Author's Notes:

All credit goes to The Lunar Toaster.

“ANNEERRRN! COME OUUUUTT!” Lyler screams.

You’re busy hiding in the bathroom with a knife. You thought of all the times she’s scared the hell out of you, this was certainly within the top ranks of 'Holy shit, Lyler is insane'.

“AAAAAANNERRRRN!” Lyler screams more.

You keep quiet, gripping the knife. You reach into your torn pants for your phone, but there’s a huge hole in them. Fuck my life. I don’t need this shit, you think to yourself. Lyler screams your name once more before the house goes completely silent. At least when she was screaming you knew which section of the house she was in! Oh god. Where is she, where could she have gone- Your thoughts were interrupted.

“COME OUT, COME OUT! WHEREVER YOU ARE!”

You try to open the window, but it’s iced over by the raging winter storm outside. Suddenly, the doorknob rattles. Then 8 knocks come from the door. I can’t get out! Dear god!

“LEETLE PEEGS LETTLE PEEGS! LEMME CUM IN!”

You press against the side of the door, the knife in your hand.

“Not by the hair on your chinny-chin chin?” you whisper.

The knife’s textured handle stings a little. You still stay silent.

“Then I’ll huff!” Her voice raises more. “AND I’LL PUFF!” Oh god! “AND I’LL BLOW YOUR HOUSE IN!”

Suddenly her horn smashes through the door. You begin screaming. She does this several more times before her face comes in through the door, her smile is as demented as ever.

“HEEERES LYLER!” she screams.

She begins to unlock the door. I stab the knife through her hoof. It doesn’t seem to affect her. The door bursts open.

“ANERN! MR. BOOMBOOM WANT TO GO UP YU!”

“NO! FUCK YOU!” You kick her in the chest and she smashes into the wall. You bolt out of the room, down the stairs and out of Lyra’s house.

“ANERN! WAIT FO ME!” Lyler screams.

You try to think of all the things that distract her, but you’re too busy running from Lyler to think of anything good. Suddenly, a prickly pain sensation fills your left buttcheek. You look behind you to see Lyler directly behind you trying to shove the cactus up your butt. Tears come to your eyes as you run double time. You push her head down, making her stumble and fall and you rush into your house, slamming the door violently. You grab the receiver off the wall and call Rainbow as soon as god damned possible. One ring… two rings…

“WHO ARE YOU CALLING ANERN!?” Lyler shouts in your ear. You begin to scream like a girl scout that was lured into a white van.

“HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE!?” you scream.

“BECAUSE PRIST LET YOU WRIT A CHAPER”

“WHO THE HELL IS THAT”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” Lyler’s scream began to make your ears bleed. Her scream could be heard throughout Equestria.

You sit in the hospital bed. You had an extensive surgery to remove the cactus from your anal cavity. Somehow, they fixed what was left of your eardrums but left you with limited hearing.

Lyler however, was left scot free but was scolded by Lyra. She had told Lyler to not shove cacti into ponies’ anuses because it hurts them. She merely responded by saying; “BUT IT FEEL GOOD WHEN I PUT MR. BOOMBOOM IN MY BUTT.”

You sit in the hospital bed. You’re lower half aches with the fierceness of a thousand suns. You press on the button to give yourself another dose of morphine. You begin to drift off into a hazy sleep. Right before you pass out, you see Lyler explode through the door with Mr. Boomboom.

Huh. You think. I wonder what she’s going to do with Mr. Boomboom.