Travis could not believe what he was seeing. The sky blue, rainbow-maned pegasus (a pegasus for fuck's sake) was freaking him out enough, but it was the fact that he now had two hooves where his hands should have been that really got to him. On top of it all, some pony with pink gatling guns just called him a stripper. Fuck that! Now that Master Thunder Ryu was dead, there was no way he was getting naked for any more old guys!

"Where the fuck did my hands go," Travis yelled as he frantically turned his hooves back and forth looking for any trace of his glorious hands, "What am I supposed to do with these red-pink stub things!"

Glastits smiled at Travis's distress. It was loads of fun watching the guy freak out, but he figured he'd throw him a bone. "Personally, Ah'm a fan o' competitive buckin', but why don't ya start by helpin' th' little lady up?"

His words stunned the mares in the room. He seemed bent on killing them, but now here he was suggesting help. Rainbow Dash, however, took the time to scramble back over to her friends, now that their summoned hero had arrived.

Travis was too busy trying to figure out what the hell was going on to care though. His head whipped back and forth between the eight mares and the gun-toting assassin.

"What the--but--huh--what's happening!?" He sputtered.

"I am Princess Celestia, and that is an assassin! I trust you will know what to do," the solar princess concisely explained, as her magic aura enveloped her sister and the element bearers. Before she could teleport everypony to safety, Fluttershy broke from the group.

"Wait," she said before Celestia could take action.

She ran over near Travis to pick up his cat and her toy before running back to her friends. Not fully understanding the yellow pegasus's intentions, Travis had to protest her actions.

"Hey! Hey! What the fuck are you doing with my cat," he yelled as she took away his precious pet.

"I'm sorry," Fluttershy said to him, avoiding any eye contact, "I'll promise I'll take care of her."

And with that, Celestia's magic flashed and the room was empty, save for the two assassins.

Travis could only sputter in confusion as he realized what was happening. Princess Celestia had brought him to this freaky place to be a counter-assassin to save her own ass.

"Aw, hell..." he moaned.

He was snapped out of his funk by Glastits' chuckling, "'Bout time ya got here. Ah almost didn't think you were comin', slick."

Deep in the Everfree Forest lay the ruins of the Castle of the Two Sisters. Once a majestic structure, which as home to Celestia and Luna, it was now a dilapidated, derelict shadow of its former glory; abandoned and forgotten by most of pony-kind.

Now, a light shone in the throne room, and from the light came the royal alicorn sisters, the six element bearers and one tabby cat. The cat was promptly let out of its carrier by Fluttershy as soon as they arrived.

"Here you go, Miss Kitty. Stretch your paws out," she said as she opened the cage doors.

Jeanne immediately took Fluttershy up on her suggestion and stretched widely before hopping on the yellow pegasus's back.

The other Element Bearers looked around in confusion, which soon turned to familiarity once they realized where they were.

"Princess Celestia, what are we doing here of all places," Twilight asked as she looked around the room, regaining her bearings from the previous time she and her friends had been there. This was the place where she and her friends had defeated Nightmare Moon and restored Princess Luna to her former self. Now, here they were again as another threat reared its head.

Celestia only answered Twilight's question as she and Luna both used their magic to open up a compartment in the floor, and raise a very large crystal ball from it.

The ball rose from the depths, covered in cobwebs, and creaking on the platform it was mounted on, as though yawning after a long sleep. Another small flare of magic from the alicorns, and the crystal ball lit up with all the cobwebs and any other sign of age or wear bursting off of it in a brilliant sheen.

Rainbow Dash flew around it, examining it from all sides as she tried to discern what exactly it was supposed to do.

"Yeah, it's cool how it lights up, but is it gonna help stop Glastits," she said, tapping it with her hoof.

"In a way: yes, it will," Luna answered Dash's question, "This is a relic that was once used by Star Swirl the Bearded to observe any point in the world he desired to further his studies."

Twilight was suddenly overwhelmed by a sense of scholarly joy. Here was a piece of Equestria's history. An artifact that was owned by probably the most important pony in all of history, and at one point it was right under her very hooves. Then something occurred to her. She realized what the princesses were up to by resurrecting this relic.

"That's it! We can use this to find the real hero who can help against the assassin!" Twilight said with a bright smile, which slowly faded when she saw the surprised looks of the alicorns. She blushed sheepishly, "Uh, not that I'm questioning your choice. I just think you might have missed when you picked him."

"Twilight, this is for us to observe him to see if he will need any of our aid," Celestia informed her student.

"Then I think you oughta send us right back. That guy looked like he ain't even seen his own hooves before," Applejack said from the other side of the crystal ball.

"Um, excuse me," came Fluttershy's interjection. Though very quiet, everyone in the room turned their attention to her. "This cat says that she's very worried about her owner, and would like to know if he's okay."

Celestia turned to face the crystal ball once more and flared the magic in her horn.

"Then, without further ado," she said before she tapped her horn to the surface of the crystal ball.

A blur swirled onto its surface before it took the shape of the throne room in Canterlot, occupied by the two stallions.

"Whoah, hang on a sec," Travis said to the gun-toting pony, "You knew I was coming? How?"

"Simple: Ah just looked ahead t'see what happened," Glastits said, as though it made perfect sense.

To the Element Bearers, save Pinkie, this was a completely erroneous statement that pertained to nothing at hoof.

"Shit, you're one of those," Travis sighed deeply, as he rubbed his temple with his hoof.

"A-yepperdoo," Glastits said with another chuckle and a grin, "Ah know all about th' wall, an' th' watchers behind it."

The watchers behind the wall was something that Travis tried to ignore. Though most people didn't realize it, they were all being watched by many otherworldly beings who reveled in the violence and crudeness that happened to them, or the misery that they brought to others. To him, they were even worse than the UAA.

"Why are they just talking," Pinkie yelled, surprising her friends. She pressed her front hooves against the crystal ball, as though trying to somehow reach the assassins. "Cut the small talk and get rid of him already!"

It was Rarity who used her magic to levitate Pinkie back to a proper viewing distance.

"Hush, Pinkie," she said to her bouncy, Pink friend, "I'm sure he knows what he's doing."

Her's and Pinkie's attention went back to the crystal ball where they watched the strange stallion who appeared from nowhere now wore a facial expression as if he just bumped into somepony he really hated.

"So, let me guess: you're some kind of errand monkey for those sick fucks," Travis said, contemptuously.

"Come on, Ah just give 'em what they want. Feels good, actually. Makin' 'em smile makes ol' Marion smile."

Travis had the urge to laugh all of a sudden. His face twisted into a crooked smile as he stifled a sputtering laugh. Come on, his name was 'Marion.'

Agent Glastits, however found it much less amusing, and scowled deeply.

"What the hell're you laughin' at? Huh, slick," he said as his eyes narrowed.

His next words carried an air on anger, though the tone and volume of his voice remained completely calm.

"Ya like jokes? Ah know a joke. Guy walks inta a bar, an' a second guy who's already there invites him fer a drink. Second guy says, 'Hey stranger, what's yer name?' First guy says, 'Name's Marion Glastits.'"

Travis started loudly guffawing when he heard his opponent's full name.

Suddenly, Agent Glastits's tone changed to a more violent one.

"Th' second guys starts laughin' his ass off, so ya know what Ah did!? Ah broke his glass on the bar, picked up a chunk, an' stabbed him in his crap-lousy face! The punchline? DON'T FUCK WITH A GUY NAMED MARION!!"

The next thing Travis knew, a hail of bullets was making a beeline right for his unprotected head.

Travis had fought enemies who used guns before, and was totally okay when the bullets came at him since he could just block them all with his beam katana, no harm, no foul. But how the hell was he supposed to do it with those stupid stubs?!

The thought of grabbing his trusty Tsubaki Mk. III to deflect the oncoming assault immediately snapped to his mind, and something began to happen.

Though unaware of it, the horn on his head began to glow with a red-colored magic. Then, the Tsubaki Mk. III on his belt began to glow with the same magic.

In less than a millisecond, it shot in front of him and protected him from the attack, dancing between each bullet to send them in a safe direction.

"Holy what the fuck is happening," Travis thought to himself.

The initial shock of his sword floating on its own wore off as soon as a wicked idea occurred to him.

As the Tsubaki protected him from the front, he thought of his super speedy Blood Berry flying to Glastits on its' own accord.

Sure enough, it did as he thought would and flung itself at his opponent.

"YES," Travis thought out loud, "Travis Touchdown, new and improved with tele-fucking-kinesis!!"

Agent Glastits deftly side-flipped over the incoming beam katana, his guns firing madly the entire time, keeping Travis on his toes. Or hooves, more appropriately.

The Tsubaki started to sputter as its power ran low. Normally, this would mean that Travis would have to stop fighting and recharge his weapon. But now with his phenomenal, cosmic power of mind over matter, he didn't have to stop blocking to keep on rocking.

The Bloodberry flew in front of himself, taking over the Tsubaki's blocking duty. At the same time, his combo-crazy Rose Nasty flew off his belt and the two katanas wreaked their havoc on Glastits.

"What the buck is he doin' with that sword handle," Applejack yelled in shock.

Dash darted across the surface of the crystal ball, looking at the scene from various angles to see if she was really seeing this.

"Is he..." she began as she watched the stallion hyperventilate as he used his magic to furiously thrust the handle between his legs.

"Yes, Dash...That's exactly what he's doing," Twilight finished for her friend to spare them the vulgar details.

Everypony in the room looked away in disgust. Rarity and Fluttershy blushed particularly hard at the idea.

On Fluttershy's back, Jeanne followed the motions of the sword handle, her head bobbing back and forth with the rhythm of the handle.

"Look away, Tia. This is not for our eyes," Luna said as she looked away, and covered her sister's eyes with her own hoof, though the younger princess peeked curiously over the edge.

The next thing they heard was a chiptune beep, and they all dared to look what that had meant. They were relieved to see that the stallion had finished whatever he was doing and resumed fighting Agent Glastits.

Glastits had had enough of the brutal assault of the Rose Nasty. Though the hits were not fatal, they still hurt like hell.

He took his chance and bucked both swords right back at Travis before his guns began to glow a malevolent pink color.

"What the fuck," Travis yelled before his opponent unleashed a huge stream of pink-colored energy.

The beam hit Travis and sent him flying through the doors of the throne room and through several more rooms of the castle.

Travis finally went through a final wall and landed on a long table in a large dining room.

He slid across its surface, and came to a rough stop, before he got up and rubbed his aching back.

"Ow...Why don't I ever land on a stack of pillows," he wondered aloud.

"Hot-diggity-damn, boy! Ah'd o' swore that'd make ya inta unicorn puddin'."

Glastits was making his way through the holes in the walls to continue his fight with Travis.

His guns glowed once more as he got closer to the dining room where Travis was.

Since Travis had dropped his Rose Nasty the first time he was hit by this attack, he snapped to the Blood Berry as he jumped over Glastits' energy attack just as he fired it again.

Travis swung the Blood Berry down hard on Glastits' head, followed by a blow from the Tsubaki, which was subsequently followed by a blow from the Peony.

It was the Peony that made the madstallion stagger when it hit him, interrupting his attack and ending the stream of energy he was shooting just as Travis landed in front of him.

Upon landing, Travis wrapped his forelegs around his opponent's shoulders and hefted him up and over his head, slamming him hard on the table behind him in a classic luchador suplex.

Glastits reeled in pain at the sudden hard impact on the table, but he couldn't lollygag there all day. Not when he saw Travis jumping high into the air and coming down hard with his hooves aimed to connect with his head.

The agent barely managed to roll out of the way before Travis landed his blow, cracking the table where his head would have been.

The two stallions continued their fight across the top of the table, working their way from one end to the far end. Hard light clashed with lead, and on occasion, flesh. As one got the upper hoof, the other started stepping up their game to overcome their opponent. During the fight, Travis found that Glastits' guns had a limited range of movement, allowing the assassin to block his attacks.

Eventually, when the fight reached the far end of the table, Glastits revved up his energy attack once more, this time sweeping a wide area in front of him.

Travis evaded this time by back-flipping over the energy stream and passed through the massive hole in the wall the attack created.

Instead of landing on level ground as he expected to do, he instead fell down an entire story of the castle and landed hard in what looked like a ballroom of sorts, or someplace where formal gatherings occurred.

"What kind of crackhead architect puts the ballroom below the banquet hall," Travis yelled in pain.

No sooner did he finish talking than a new kind of pain hit him as Agent Glastits landed on him and sprang off in an almost jovial fashion.

Travis didn't stay down for long. Before Glastits even hit the ground, he jumped into the air after him, wildly swinging the Tsubaki and the Blood Berry in tandem.

As he fought, Travis found that it was much easier to just use two katana at the same time instead of three or four, especially considering the great weight of the Peony. He found it very odd that the weapons still had heft to them, despite being lifted with his mind.

The two assassins traded blows as they flew through the air, parrying, striking and dodging until they hit the ground.

The opponents clashed their weapons together, struggling to overcome one another.

Travis felt Glastits' guns pushing him back, slowly but surely.

Before, Travis would have to accept being pushed into a loss as his opponents tore into his vulnerable body, but no more now with his mind powers.

Travis took the Peony off his belt and swung the giant blade horizontally, almost taking Glastits off guard.

Glastits, however, perceived the attack just before it got him. He jumped backwards over the blade and landed nearly fifteen feet from Travis. An impressive jump indeed.

It was then that fatigue took Travis, his nearly infinite stamina running dry. Must've been those damn energy attacks.

He looked over to Glastits to see him panting heavily, his guns relaxed at his sides.

Travis took this cue to take a breather of his own and put his three weapons back on his belt.

The assassins eyed each other carefully in a predatory fashion, waiting for the other to open window of attack.

"Had enough, old man," Travis panted, "Just think: in a few seconds, your ass is headed to paradise. And me? I'm getting my cat and going home."

"Heh-heh...," came the labored laugh of Agent Glastits, "Ya think yer headed home after this? Ain't ya never done this song an' dance before?"

Travis's mind lightly snapped when he was reminded that there was always something else to these bullshit fights between assassins. He lightly kicked the floor in frustration, much to Glastits' amusement.

"That's right, slick. I ain't the only one in this shindig. There's more of us hangin' back fer our respective targets."

"I should've known," Travis growled, "Let me guess: there's nine more of you guys? Or fifteen of you? Why don't we up the ante again and give me all fifty-one freaks to fight!?"

"Easy boy! Keep yer garter on! There's only seven of us," Glastits reassured, much to Travis's relief. "Well, technically six, but there's a reason fer that."

"Two counting as one," Travis thought to himself, remembering one of the fights that Shinobu told him about, "If Shinobu could do it, why the hell can't I?"

It was then that Glastits' cannons started to glow with that pink energy that heralded a painful energy attack.

"But we gotta finish this part 'fore we move onta any o' those shmucks," the agent said.

Travis wasn't fully recuperated yet, but he was forced to brace himself for the attack.

Glastits fired and Travis tried, and failed, to block it at all.

He took the full force of the energy attack once more and it sent him flying into the wall behind him.

He could feel his stamina had nearly reached its limit. He knew he wouldn't be able to take much more punishment like this. It was time to pull out all the stops.

In his mind flashed three slot reels. Each reel stopped one by one.

One bell...

"Fuck yes!"

Two bells...

"Come on..."

Three bells!

"BLUEBERRY CHEESE BROWNIE!!!"

Travis's body became renewed with a kind of energy and bloodlust that almost made him orgasm.

He took all of his weapons off of his belt and wildly swung all three of them, sending a volley of spheres right to Glastits.

Glastits smiled once more as a sliver of fear crept into his mind. His fired his normal bullets at the spheres in futile attempt to dissipate them.

No good came from his actions, as the spheres turned each bullet they hit to dust and hit him one after the other.

With each hit, he staggered backwards a step until Travis noticed something: he was heading right under a very jagged chandelier which was begging to come crashing down on some asshole's head.

A few more hits to push him back, and Travis, with one well aimed swing, shot a sphere that severed the cable that was supporting the deadly decoration.

Glastits barely had any time to comprehend what was happening. As soon as the frontal assault stopped, his senses directed him to look upward to see the chandelier coming down on him like a big, golden iron maiden.

"Fuck..."

Was all that the assassin had time to say just before the deadly impact. Soon after, silence filled the room, save for the coughing and sputtering of Glastits as he tried to catch his breath from the spikes that were impaling him.

"...Me..."

He finished as Travis walked over to investigate the damage he had managed to do.

He stood over his fallen opponent, and found Glastits breathing heavily as he lay on the ground, the spikes of the chandelier twisting his body to grotesque angles. Travis looked him over and felt a pang of pity for the dying stallion. It was too tempting to simply put him out of his misery, but something about Glastits intrigued him.

"You knew how this would end," Travis said, knowing full well that he would have read this far, "Why didn't you stay out of this and go bucking or something?"

Blood trickled out of Glastits' mouth, as he only laughed at Travis's question. He was taking this way too well, and was seriously annoying Travis.

"Gee, nothing gets you down, does it, Pollyanna?"

"I thought his name was Marion?"

"Pinkie, please! He's trying to say something."

Glastits spat out a mouthful of blood before speaking, a smile on his face the whole time.

"Ya still don't get it, do ya?"

This whole time Glastits seemed like a kind of joker, even if he did have a sick sense of humor, but now he seemed dead serious. His voice was low and steady, and his words were laced with a tone of anger and admonishment. The sudden change in the agent's demeanor made Travis uneasy, as it did the mares who were watching.

"It doesn't matter what we do or don't do. Whether we know about the watchers or not, we're still slaves to whatever they want. Bastards never give us a say. An' then they take guys like us, an' make us do the sick shit we do just so's they can have their jollies."

"Sorry, but I don't go for that 'can't fight your destiny' bullshit," Travis said as he activated the Peony. It may have been overkill, but that was what would make his day. "Personally, I take the time to treat myself once in a while."

"An' Ah thought Ah was th' funny one here," Glastits mused after spitting out more blood. "Whatever. Ah don't give a shit. If ya really think ya can make do in a world where everything's decided for ya: be my guest."

Glastits eyed Travis in anticipation as he magically raised the Peony over his head, eagerly awaiting the killing blow. His anticipation was cut off when Travis had just one more question.

"You've already read ahead, right? How do I get back to Santa Destroy," he asked.

"What the fuck're ya askin' me for? The monkey makin' this ain't even figgered that part out yet," came the frank reply from the dying assassin.

Travis only huffed as he readied his final blow against Glastits.

"...See ya 'round, slick..."

The red blade came down on Glastits' neck, severing his head from his body.

Any other blade would have simply sent the head rolling, but this katana had a power in it that dwarfed the others.

As soon at it impacted, it sent a shockwave through the room that made everything present rumble and sent the head flying a distance away. When it landed, it still had a manic smile on its face that reminded the spectators of the one Twilight wore when she almost missed a deadline for her weekly friendship report.

The mares in the Castle of the Two Sisters didn't know what to make of what they saw. They didn't know what to expect when the strange stallion arrived, but they definitely did not expect him to kill the assassin. In all their lives, they didn't even so much as hear rumors of a pony who knew a pony who read somewhere that there was a murder. Murder was something that was not even a part in the background of their lives. But it was Pinkie who was shocked the most.

Not only did the death of a pony send her reeling, but Pinkie took in every word Glastits said.

Was she as bad as he was? Did she really make ponies miserable only for the sake of making some invisible watchers that nopony else knew about laugh?

In all her life, she never took into consideration the feelings of the ponies that she annoyed, abused or embarrassed. Or one particularly egregious instance that happened on Nightmare Night, when she created an irrational fear of Princess Luna to the point where the lunar princess began lashing out at others.

These sudden realizations made Pinkie's head spin. Why did that stupid Marion Glastits have to make her think about these things?

"Hee hee hee..." Everypony turned to see Pinkie giggling gleefully.

"What's so funny, Pinkie," Twilight inquired, expecting an answer that made no sense. What she got, though, was a very different response.

"His name," Pinkie said, barely audible through her giggling, "It's 'Marion' 'Glass-tits!' I just got it!"

There was something about Pinkie's laughter that was contagious, as Rainbow Dash began her own fit of giggling.

"Marion," she said, not believing it now that she actually thought about it. "That's a mare's name!"

"I don't even wanna think what anypony else in his family's name could be," said Applejack, herself giggling.

Everypony else in the room started with their own bouts of the giggles. Even the royal sisters couldn't resist the urge.

"Hey, Celestia! You listening," came the voice from the crystal ball.

Looking back to it, the mares all saw Travis back in the throne room and eating his pizza. He had also collected his dropped weapons.

"I'm ready to get the hell out of here."

Celestia hesitated to do so, because even though Pinkie's revelation had made her feel slightly better, her nerves were still shot from witnessing a murder.

"I...," she tried to collect herself as she put on a smile, which was done more to reassure herself than the ponies around her, "I...suppose we should bring him here...To thank him for his assistance in this matter."

These words made Fluttershy immediately crouch to the ground and hide trembling behind her mane. Jeanne immediately cuddled up next to the timid mare to help her feel better.

Celestia used her magic to summon Travis to them. On the surface of the crystal ball, the mares could see Travis being enveloped in Celestia's magic.

"Hey! Hey," he yelled as he was levitated into the air. He quickly gathered up all of his belongings with his magic just before he disappeared off the surface and reappeared in the room with the mares, landing with an audible, "What the fuck!?" His gaze went right to Celestia as she addressed him for his efforts.

"Mr. Touchdown--"

"Travis," Travis corrected her. He never was one for formality.

"Travis," Celestia continued, "We would like to thank you for services, but I'm afraid your work is not done yet."

"Yeah, I know. I still have to look after the other targets," Travis said remembering what Glastits told him. "How many do I have to guard?"

"Five more. It seems that for now, this one is safe," Luna said, indicating Pinkie Pie who hopped in front of Travis with a smile on her face.

It was a much warmer smile than the malicious grin Glastits always had on, and it made Travis feel slightly better about his scenario. Only by looking at her did Travis feel a gentle warmth that he had all but forgotten. Something that he left behind long ago when he became an assassin, and now that he felt it again, he never wanted to let it go.

The pink mare said nothing at first, only staring and smiling, conveying some unspoken message, before quietly saying, "Thank you."

It was apparent to Pinkie's friends that she also had not fully recovered from the shock of what she had seen.

Travis smiled back at her, putting Pinkie and the others more at ease.

"Don't worry about it. I'm just...," he stopped to think about what to say next to not upset anyone in the room, "...Doing what I'm good at. You know, helping others."

This wasn't entirely false, after all the jobs he did around Santa Destroy, he had almost a mile-long resume. It seemed that he chose the right words as Pinkie giggled slightly at what he said, and not a nervous, polite kind of giggle, but a genuine one.

Travis looked past Pinkie to see Jeanne and Fluttershy on the ground. He walked over to the yellow pegasus and gently shook her shoulder. She immediately snapped alert with a terrified 'eep' when she made eye contact with Travis.

Though she was very afraid of him, he seemed different now than when he arrived. He didn't seem quite as scary now that he wasn't angry and irritated like he was when he arrived.

"Thanks for taking care of my cat," was all he said before Jeanne got up to rub her side against Travis's leg. The fact that the cat trusted him helped ease Fluttershy more, but not so much that she maintained eye contact with him.

A silence fell over the room, that lasted for several seconds until Twilight broke the silence.

"We should probably head home now," she said to the princesses.

Celestia silently agreed and teleported the occupants of the room to the safety of Ponyville.

Author's Notes:

Just so you know, I'm going to use that joke about fucking with a guy named Marion in my actual story that I want to put onto retail that has Agent Glastits as the villain. Because that shit is hilarious.

Personally, I thought it was weird that the ponies know all about jerking off, but death and murder are not a part of anything in their lives. But who gives a shit? I'm the one writing it.

That's it for the first boss, and I gotta say, the next one in mind is more bizarre than this one. Sorry if the ending is seriously half-assed, but I'm writing that part past my normal bedtime. I actually do that a lot, and I think I should stop doing it, but I have to get these ideas down while they're still fresh and juicy.

Please, people, do yourselves a favor and have a nice day. Rock on, y'all. \m/!