Or: How to Meet a Total Bitch

All was peaceful this day in Canterlot, everybody was out and about. Nobles trotted around with their noses high in the air and metaphorical sticks up their arse. The working class were making good profits as tourists walked and shopped along the streets. Even the soldiers of the Royal Guard scouted about with little smiles on their faces.

All in all, it was a beautiful day.

Had it only stayed that way.

The peace of the beautiful city was instantly ripped apart, literally, when a portal opened right in the middle of the town square. People began to run off in cowardice, screaming their lungs out. Out of the rift, a young girls came flying out with an explosion following. She toppled onto the ground, rolling to face the portal.

“Everyone get back!” she screamed as guardsmen began to approach.

“You are under arrest for--”

“Stow it for someone who cares and get out of here, crétin! If you stay, you’ll die!” A loud marching sound started to come from the rift. “Merde. Move!”

Unfortunately for those guards, they did not move. Several bolts came flying from the portal, striking each of the guards and electrocuting them to death instantly.

Miles away, Elizabeth, or as she was now known, Eve, shot bolt upright, startling Drake from his doze upon her shoulder.

“Drake! Something bad is happening in Canterlot!” she cried, already heading for the door.

“The hell are we supposed to do about it, Beth? We’re AECs, remember? We’re not really allowed into the public unless we’re declared fully Safe. And we’re both still stuck at Euclid!” Drake itched to do something as well, but he was bound by the rules of the Foundation, stupid as he might consider them.

“To hell with the rules, Drake, we need to go now!” Eve was already down the hall, Drake futilely trying to bring her back into the room.

“Goddammit goddammit goddammit…. Fine, we’ll do it your way! As the saying goes, it’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission….” Thus, both AECs rushed from the compound, storming past the startled gate guards and taking to the air at near supersonic speeds, Drake shifting into his AEC 682 form in preparation for battle.

Back at Canterlot, an army of metal men marched through the portal, left arms standing straight out. The girl stood at the ready, a sword in her hand and not a fear in her eyes.

“I won’t let you take this planet!” she shouted at the Cybermen. “These people will not be harmed by the likes of you!”

“Negative,” one droned out in the lead. “This world and its populace are perfect to be upgraded. They will join the Cybermen in our perfection.”

“You got a funny definition of perfection, cyber freak!”

“If you will not join in being upgraded to perfection, then you will be deleted.” It fired a bolt right at the girl.

She sliced right through the bolt with her sword. She looked off to the side, seeing more guards heading their way. “Merde, I can’t let them kill any more. There has to be some way to stop them here and now. Preferably without me having to pay for property damages… again.”

Just then she spotted two figures in the sky, one a woman in a red dress, the other a rather tiny dragon-thing. The pair came in for a harsh landing, throwing up a massive dust cloud. A melodic voice rang out from the cloud, “Drake, you see anything? I can only sense one other being here that’s still alive, and a whole bunch of…. oh my god.”

Another voice growled out, “Can’t sense much, I can smell a lot of metal and ozone though… oh god what is that smell!? It smells like desecrated human flesh!”

“How do you even know what that smells like!?”

“.... I went insane once and went on a month long rampage. I know because… well.. yeah.”

The dust cloud cleared, revealing the forms of AEC 682 and Eve, the girl just stared at the odd couple for a moment before shaking her head. “What are you doing, you crétins?! Get the putain out of here!”

“Oi, we’re here to help, bitch! Don’t make me spontaneously combust your pretty blond ass!” The female yelled, hands twisting into large claws while the lizard started growling at the approaching Cybermen.

“Ladies, fight later. Weird flesh-smelling robot things to deal with now.” 682 chided, opening up the fight with a barrage of laserbeams from his eyes.

It struck a few Cybermen, though it only made them stagger.

The girl muttered to herself, though Eve and 682 couldn’t understand a lick of it since it was in French. “I don’t know who or what you are, but you need to get out of here! It’s not safe! If you want to be useful, then get to the population out of here while I deal with the Cybermen!”

“Listen, woman, I don’t care who the hell you think you are, but if you think that a few measly robots are going to stop AEC 682, then you have another thing coming! COME ON, TIN HEADS, LET’S SEE HOW YOU DEAL WITH SCP 682!”

The lizardbeast shriveled into itself and grew outwards, becoming bulkier, less suited to speed and more suited to direct combat. The wings stayed, and using them, the newly named SCP 682 rose into the air. Once directly over the gaggle of Cybermen, its face changed, opening into five petals that quickly shifted over and over until 682 was nothing but a spiky mass of quintuple-petals with wings aimed toward the ground. Then came the scream.

“SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”

Windows shattered and eardrums burst as an unholy beam of red light descended from the heavens and slammed into the Cybermen, digging a perfect hole into the ground, sixteen meters across and nearly a mile deep.

The girl was aghast, taking a step back. “Y-You killed them… YOU. KILLED THEM!! What the putain is wrong with you?!”

Eve cocked her head at Kat, “You mean we weren’t supposed to kill the incredibly hostile Cybermen invading our Universe from another dimension?”

She put a hand to her head, clearly trying to hold back from screaming at them again. “No...because now I have to find every last scrap and get it off world before the rest of them come.”

“... Oh… Whoops.”

Meanwhile, 682 descended back to the ground, stopping at a hover before shifting back into its normal form, and the changing into a reptilian human of all things.

“I think I got them all, Eve. So, that was it, yeah? Oh, and uh… sorry about the rude attitude, whoever you are. My alternate forms are a little more… instinctual than I am. I’m Drake, Drake Long. Also known as either SCP or AEC 682.” He gave both ladies a tiny smirk before noticing Kat’s angry face and Eve’s slightly worried one. “Uh… what’d I miss?”

“You just made my job that much harder, ya dang gecko,” the girl angrily hissed. “You have no idea what you’ve just done. If I can’t find every last bit of those Cybermen, then this entire planet’s population is doomed.” She marched passed them, rudely shoving against 682’s shoulder as she walked into the crater.

“Well jeez, what crawled up your ass and died? Besides, my laser didn’t do anything but cut a mile deep hole in the ground and melt… and sorta incinerate… the ‘bots. You should be fine… I think.” Drake glanced at Eve, “Hey Beth, you see anything fly out of the blast?”

“Not that I noticed.”

“See? Fine.”

The girl about faced, getting right in 682’s face. “If even a single, itty bitty, teeny tiny piece of Cyberman survives, they can repopulate like that,” she snapped her fingers. “And then, they will go on to convert the entire population of this planet into them. Another world for their army. Which by the way, is waiting just on the other side of that rife to invade and conquer. And right now, I’m the only reason they’re staying where they are. So if you don’t mind, shut up and stay out of my way.” She did a one eighty again and marched into the crater, checking everything for any sign of metal.

Drake whispered into Eve’s ear, “I don’t think she exactly knows how good this world is at stopping assimilation apocalypses… or any apocalypses really.”

She gave him a sneaky look, “Think we should tell her how many plots like that the foundation has had to stop in the last six months?”

“Nah, let her figure it out on her own. Hey goldy! You alright down there?”

She glared up at them. “Look, I don’t have any time for your Displaced nonsense right now. I’m trying to stop an intergalactic war, so if you wanna shut up? M’kay? Thanks.” She got right back to it.

“Touchy, ain’t she?”

“Mhmm”

“Well, if you’re gonna be like that, I suppose we’ll just have to stick around until you finally give in and tell us just what the hell you’re babbling about.” Drake nodded resolutely, hanging off of the girl’s frame as if she was a wall.

She sighed angrily. “What did I just say? I don’t have time for you and your weird problems. I’m busy!” In a second, she teleported to the other side of the crater, still searching.

“Well that was rude. Besides, we’re helpful! Though, I think Eve is much better at the whole ‘Keep the Cybermen in Relatively One Piece’ kinda thing. Sorry about that, Eve.”

She shrugged, “It’s fine. I’ll just get rid of the next ones.”

“I highly doubt you could be helpful,” she said, levitating over a melted boulder to check underneath it. “You’re obviously not intelligent.”

“.... Wow. Bitch.”

“Drake! Stop harassing the girl, she’s obviously distressed!”

“Oh come on, you can’t deny that she’s being a bitch!”

“Be that as it may, you shouldn’t just call her that!”

The pair argued like an old married couple, neither noticing the tiny shard of silver peeking from one of the seams of Eve’s dress.

The girl pulled out a silver cylindrical device with four prongs at the end. She started pointing it around, a green light and strange noise being emitted. She put it near her ear. “Satané! I knew something survived! But where, satané, where?!”

The bickering pair didn’t even notice the girl’s exclamation. The arguing only got more and more intense until the pair of them broke down into helpless laughter, leaning on each other until they both collapsed to the ground in a tangle of limbs. Again neither noticed the glimmer of silver in Eve’s dress.

Though, the girl did. “You!” she pointed the device at Eve. “Don’t. Move!”

As most people do when confronted with such a declaration, both moved, leaping up to their feet and assuming vaguely hostile positions. “What now!?” Drake cried, throwing his hands up in frustration.

“Her!” The girl moved towards her, the device still glowing. She put it in Eve’s face, the sound stuttering slightly, growing slightly as she went down her dress.

“Hey! Where do you think you’re pointing that!?” Eve backed away slightly, a tiny shard of metal falling from her sleeve and tinkling onto the ground.

“Aha!” The shard started to float in the air, wires trying to whip out at the girl. “No, no, no, no,” she kept muttering as she pulled a jar out of nowhere and sealed the shard inside. “Haha! Gotcha ya little salope! Now, you see this?” She put the jar in Eve’s face. “If this had gotten any closer to your face, you would have been converted into a emotionless, robotic being bent on deleting any imperfections in existence. Loosely translated: anything not made by Cybermen. You’re welcome.”

“Eh, I don’t think I woulda been too bad off. My mind isn’t in my brain, after all… it’s in my mitochondria. Elizabeth Mason, the Parasite Eve, at your service.” Eve bowed and showed the girl her hands, “See this?” Her hands melted into orange goo, reforming back into normal, human hands. “That’s why it wouldn’t have worked. Wouldn’t have worked on Drake either, his mental defences will tear any influence apart, and he’s too hardheaded for a lobotomy to do anything.”

“Hey!”

She got in Eve’s face. “Never. Doubt. The Cybermen. These monsters have killed trillions and you would be no difference.”

Eve and Drake snickered “I don’t think there’s anything Cybermen can do to kill something like either of us, lady.” Drake grinned, shooting Eve another sneaky look. “Besides, do you have any idea how much experience this world has with getting rid of assimilators like Cybermen? Hell, according to the records, Equestria’s actually defeated this Universe’s Cybermen already. Twice actually, considering the weird time shenanigans that happen here.”

She just looked at him like he was the biggest moron in existence. “Uh huh, cute story.” She turned around and rolled her eyes. “Crétins,” she muttered. “Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta send this little guy back through the rift and close it.”

“Wow, bitchy, ain’t she. Well, I got a little thing that’ll help validate our story a bit. 123! 123! 123!” Drake shouted into the air, ignoring Eve’s dawning look of horror.

“Drake, no! That guy is a jerk! Why are you summoning him!?”

A new voice rang out, “Because I’m the best at what I do, babe.” An evil looking clown appeared out of nowhere, holding a dented, battered, scorched, acid burned, but still recognizable Cyberman Head. “Here it is, Drakey boy, straight from the Foundation’s trophy room. I even brought the plaque!” The tiny plaque on the Cyberman’s head read:

Drake pointed at the object with a smug grin, “See? I told the truth.”

The girl actually burst out laughing. “A-are you serious?” She continued laughing as she grabbed the helmet from him. “This piece of merde?” She tossed it behind her and through the rift. “Worthless. Old fashioned, out-dated, piece. Of. Merde. This!” She held up the shard. “Evolved fourteen hundred thousand years later!” She threw it through as well and closed the portal. “Don’t overestimate yourselves. It’s a sad little trope.”

“..... If your Cybermen are so bad, why can I take out a platoon in a single shot?”

“Have you ever heard how zombies always win?” she asked, continuing to point the device at where the portal was. “It’s not about their strength. It’s about their numbers. Doesn’t matter if they’re weak, they can overrun you easily.”

Eve spoke up, “I don’t think zombies are the best example…. There’s been sixteen zombie insurgencies in the last thirty years, and all of them were stopped pretty easily.”

“Uh huh, cute story.” Didn’t even sound like she heard a single word. She turned around to look at 682 and Eve. “Now, take me to your leader. Celestia? Luna? Whoever, I just need to see them. Enfer, I don’t care if it’s putain Twilight Sparkle, just take me to them.”

Drake and Eve stumbled a little. “Ah… aheh… we uh, we don’t exactly have the authority to do that… Actually, we’re probably in huge amounts of trouble right now since we left the Foundation Site without permi-”

“AEC 682! AEC 1313! WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING OUTSIDE OF YOUR FOUNDATION ISSUED ROOMS!?”

“-...Shit”

“Hey!” the girl shouted at the human who looked like Twilight. “I don’t need your sass right now, Twilight. Don’t make me call you Snooty, don’t make me do it. Now, uhp uhp uhp, I’m talking, you, shush. I need these Displaced to take me to the leaders of Equestria. Then, and only then, can you have them back. Okie dokie? Okie dokie!” She turned back to 682 and Eve. “Now then, shall we be off? Places to be, things to do, lives to save.”

“682, 1313, who is this woman and why does she assume that you have any sort of authority whatsoever?” Twilight came in for a slightly stumbled landing, labcoat and hair in slight disarray and glasses a bit askew. She smacked both of them with her clipboard, turning to Kat as she did so. “The Princesses will be here in a moment, ma’am. Now, why don’t you talk to the fourth highest ranking person in Equestria, and tell me just what is happening on MY planet!?”

The girl looked at Twilight with a smile. “Finally! A higher up, I hope you’re more intelligent than those two,” she pointed at 682 and Eve. “As defenders of the planet, they’re kind of on the dense side, if you ask me. Now, I am Kat Shifter, the Gravity Queen. Long story short, your planet is about to invaded by the Cybermen… again. But this time, you’re pretty much boned.”

Twilight nodded along with Kat until one particular piece of information stuck out, “Wait… defenders of the planet!? 682 and 1313!? What have you two been telling this woman!?” She rounded on them and assaulted the two with her clipboard until it shattered, then she grabbed them by the ears and threw them in the general direction of Site 34. “Go on, get outta here! I don’t want you out of the Site without permission again, you hear!? I don’t care even if you’re change to Safe class was approved!”

Twilight turned back to Kat, “Now then, where were we?”

Kat snapped her fingers. “That was very rude. You shouldn’t treat your Displaced like that. Trust me, you’ll need them in the future. They always do. But, on to the invasion. The Cybermen are coming and, here’s the catch that’s doomed you all, they are immune to magic.” Kat twirled around her, like a wild girl. “Yep, they’re evolved and upgraded since the last time. And since I just moronically sent through an old piece of their tech that’s been absorbing the abundant magic in the air for centuries, I think I just boned you over even more, savvy? Oh, and I do hope you won’t be missing that trophy, since it’s never coming back.”

“DRAAAAAAAKE! What did I tell you about calling AEC 123 for things in the trophy room! You know that the Archiver Clown is only to be used to retrieve important documents!”

“But he’s so useful!” Drake whined, neither of the two Displaced having moved from where they landed.

“Anyway, what was that about Displaced? Oh, and don’t worry. We have ways of getting around magic resistance.” Twilight chuckled, thinking back to AEC 779, the Hyper-Disintegrator Cannon.

“That’s what the last planet said,” Kat whispered to herself. “Displaced, human sent to Equestria with dangerous powers and abilities that put themselves and others at risk. Either a villain, a hero, or for all intents and purposes neutral in all matters not concerning themselves. Your ‘682’ and ‘1313’ are Displaced. Meaning,” Kat got right in Twilight’s face, “They are not of this world,” Kat whispered.

Twilight stared back at her with a deadpan expression, “If I tried to count the amount of AECs that aren’t from this planet, I’d say a good 96% are from either another planet, another galaxy, or even another Universe. Heck at least 20 AECs aren’t even on this planet anymore, they all left to go back to their homeworlds! Our most recent one was AEC 9924, who nearly destroyed Hoofington while 682 was under mind control.”

Kat smiled. “Well, isn’t that just interesting. Can’t say I’ve come across an Equestria like yours just yet. Fascinating, but where was I? Oh, right! The Displaced curse upon your world. You see, 682 and 1313 coming here has endangered your planet more than you realize. It’s opened the gateway,” Kat began to open portal after portal, showing visuals of other Displaced throughout the multiverse. “A gateway to alternate Equestrias where other Displaced live, breathe, eat, cause destruction, peace, anything really. And now yours has joined the fray, meaning these dangerous humans can come here and do as they please until it is fixed. And you may feel safe with your little monsters and gadgets, but these Displaced put them all. To. Shame. Ever heard of being OP? Well, they’re OPer than OP! OPP! No, that sounds stupid. OOP? No, that spells ‘oop’, well could work. It’s like ‘oops’, I’m on a tangent again, aren’t I? Satané, the Doctor speak is contagious. Anyway, you’re being invaded, your world is doomed, everyone’s going to die. It’ll be fun!”

Twilight started chuckling. “Monsters and gadgets are only the tip of the iceberg, ma’am. We have gods under our employ, and I don’t think that any invasion will be able to overrun a planet that’s had to avert a Universal apocalypse over seventy times in the last one hundred and fifty years.”

“Uh huh,” Kat said, looking unimpressed. “And… could you stop me?” She snapped her fingers and the entire planet’s gravity suddenly shifted to ten times it’s normal. Twilight and just about every other human collapsed, save for the most rugged and powerful.

Drake and Eve stood tall, him adapting nigh instantly to the gravity field, and she simply willing herself to stand tall, though she was adapting much worse.

“Hey, quick learners. I like you, but I don’t like you. Is that weird? I find it weird. You should find it weird. It’s weird.” Kat teleported behind 682. “Adaptability to the extreme, ooh that’s rare.” She looked Eve. “And cellular control, ooh that’s new. Or is it? I think so. No, it’s not new.” She ported in front of them. “You two will do perfect to protect this world. And possibly others if you end up there. Don’t unbelieve that (is that a word? Oh well, is now) it happens whether you like it or not. Stuff happens. Merde happens. Fun stuff, sad stuff, weird merde, crazy merde. You have a fun future ahead.”

Drake lashed his tail out, “Well, Eve was planning for us to do the protecting thing anyway, so.. sure. I could use a little more spice in my life.”

Eve stood a little taller, mitochondria now powered at full capacity. “Yes, well, miss, could you let up on that gravity? I think you’re crushing…. everything, really.”

“Good, teaches them a lesson. Now, uhp, uhp, don’t look at the dying Twilight, look at me. I demand your attention at the moment.” Kat reached into her jacket and pulled out a folder. “Here you go. Could be useful. Wondering what it is? Instructions. Now don’t just skim. You can’t skim these instructions. Well, you could, but that wouldn’t be beneficial.”

“Uhuh… right, well, while you assassinate basically everyone on the planet-nice going, you genocidal maniac-”

“Not the first time I’ve done it,” Kat interrupted. “Continue, continue.”

“Well, you’ve so far done better than 682 ever has. I count… six thousand dead and still more dying. Children, women, adults, everyone, really. Quite a body count you’ve gotten there.” Eve scanned her fingers, not showing the horrible disgust she had for Kat. Drake simply shut his mouth and started scanning the instructions.

Eve then booted Twilight in the side, mutating her cell structure enough so that she wouldn’t be crushed to death. “Anyway, Drake, be a dear and eat my arm, would you? I think your power levels would be much better for fixing the cell structure of… everything on the planet.”

Drake looked up. “Nope. The last time I tried that I ended up turning half the people in the Site into orange goop. Never had to reject a DNA sample before, but seriously, Beth, you and me mixing genetics is bad thing for everyone on the planet.”

“I put them back to normal!”

“They still got gooped.”

Eve crossed her arms and pouted, mutating everything within her range as she did so.

Kat ignored their conversation. “Those instructions will do one of two things. One, lock you here forever and protect you from invading Displaced. Or Two, and this is the one that most consider: they can send you back home.” Drak and Eve both looked at her in shock. “That’s right, send you right back, no powers, no totems, no more Equestria. Just Earth, good ol’ lovely Earth. Your choice.”

Drake shook his head, “Yeah, fuck that. I like being able to adapt to anything and everything. Eve?”

She also shook her head, “Dead end job, not a lot of money, no real comfort other than video games. Earth sucked. Never going back.”

“Like I said your choice, now,” Kat sat down on Twilight’s back, crushing her back to the ground. “Here’s the deal: you both promise to protect this planet and it’s inhabitants, all of them mind you, from evil. Even if that evil is you or your own kind. In exchange, I leave, undoing all of my damage and I keep the Cybermen, the Daleks, and whatever else I can away from here. Turn me down, however, well, I’m afraid you don’t have that option.”

Drake eyed her warily, still unaffected by the gravity change, even when Eve collapsed, unable to levitate herself faster than gravity pulled her down.

“Y’know, you’re starting to sound even more like an evil bitch than I thought. You sure you’re not just a genocidal maniac with delusions of grandeur? But whatever, we accept. Now get the hell off my planet. Don’t make me mutate myself enough to fire solar plasma at you!”

Kat smiled, getting off of Twilight as she corrected the gravity and sent out health crystals to all the dead, bringing them back. “Oh, poor little thing, thinks he can kill me.” She put her hand on Drake’s face, giving it a comforting pat. “Such delusions.” She snapped her fingers, a black as night diamond appearing in Drake’s hand. “If you ever need anything,” she tapped the gem, “just give me a ring.” She moved off and away from them. “TTFN: Ta ta for now!” She snapped her fingers, disappearing before them.

Drake turned to Eve and shrugged, “Well, that was a thing.”

She slowly picked herself up off of the ground, recuperating from her exhaustion. “Yes, yes it was.”

“Wanna go get some drinks?”

“Yup”

Unfortunately, it was not to be had, as both AECs felt an ominous chill down their spines.

“You two……”

Twilight rose up behind them like an unholy specter of death. Drake and Eve clung to each other, desperately praying for survival.

“Eve?”

“Yeah?”

“We’re boned.”

“Yup”

As Kat appeared within her cave, she let out a loud laugh. She laughed so hard, she was slapping her knee.

“Welcome home, your highness,” a changeling bowed before her.

“Yeah, yeah,” Kat said as she wiped a tear from her eye.

“Did your mission go successful, my queen?”

“Oh it went perfect!” Kat said as twirled herself around her throne. “Another Displaced disturbed, another world threatened. I even killed a few thousand people in the process! Oh it was glorious!”

“I am happy your mission went well. Would you care for a beverage?”

“Oh most certainly. And make it strong, I feel like celebrating.” The changeling bowed, exiting out the room, leaving Kat in her glee. “Ohoho, such fun this ‘Displaced’ thing is. I really should thank that worthless duplicate for coming here. I never would have even bothered learning of other worlds if she hadn’t arrived.”

She sighed happily as she sank into her throne. She looked at the sonic screwdriver in her hand and crushed it. “What a perfect replica. It did so much to real in the act. I lost a fair amount of drones, but at least it was a good deception. I can always breed more. They should have moved out of the way in the first place, anyway. Form shift does not make them invincible.”

“And learning all that French!” She whined, floating about. “And all that fast talking nonsense. Oh, good thing I’m the master manipulator. Too easy, these humans are too easy to fool!”

The changeling returned, setting down a glass and a bottle of wine. She dismissed the bug, taking the bottle and took a swing as she looked out at her growing empire. “Someday I’ll thank you for these opportunities, Kat. While I stand over your broken body that is!” She let out another dark laugh before moving over to a large map of Equestria. “So much to conquer, so little time. Just you wait Kat and Raven. I’m coming for you, and I’ll make your powers… mine!”

Author's Notes:

Thank you to DJSkywalker, for crossing over with his future third volume of Gravity of the Situation!

Edit: You all may be a little confused. So am I. DJ trolled ALL of us MASSIVELY.

Mother fucker.