Shadowbane stood with me at the double-door entrance to one of the smaller dining halls. "I shall introduce you, Twilight, but I would ask you to turn about."

It took me a moment to realize what this was implying. "Ah. Let me guess. I'm walking in backwards so everypony can see my junk? That sounds about right for you perverts." Oddly enough it didn't faze me, even though I was a little embarrassed at the idea. I was hoping the sheer absurdity of this might have a chance to register with my insane friends, even if that were a longshot.

"It is primarily for good humor, Princess. If you are not game for such a thing, we need not do it," he whispered to me. He seemed sincere.

I turned around anyway. "It's fine. At this point, something like this isn't going to shock or disturb me any more than I already am." (Admittedly, a small part of me actually wanted to show off my business-parts. It feels nice to be attractive, even if it's about something gross like my butt.)

Shadowbane opened the doors and walked me backwards into the room. "Presenting Her Royal Anus, lost Princess Twilight Sparkle," he announced, in the most formal Royal Canterlot Voice he could muster.

I totally lost it.

I couldn't stop laughing. I could tell that cracking up was making my rump jiggle, but it didn't matter. "I—I can't even," I choked out amidst the laughter. "This, this is so... incredibly, illogically ludicrous!"

I heard Moon Black's voice far behind me. "Lo! The introduction appears to be a success," he said.

"I was hoping we could get you to laugh tonight, Twilight," said Princess Cadance, with a chuckle of her own. "You can turn around now."

I turned to face the dining room, still giggling despite the foalishness. "You're so bucking ridiculous! Surely you can see this? Not even vamponies could be that far gone."

"Yes, we're a little silly," admitted my brother, with a grin, "and that's not a problem from where I sit. A sense of humor is just as important as an openness to new experiences." He was well-dressed in his formal princely attire, and had also donned an onyx collar bearing no ring.

"Well, I agree with that much at least," I said, as the smile faded from my lips. "But the degradation isn't funny when I think about the fact that you probably mean it."

"We don't mean it in the way you think we do," said Flash Sentry. "That's something we hope to clear up tonight."

I shrugged (mostly with my facial expression—is there a word for that?) and walked toward my seat. Shining Armor sat at one head of the rounded-rhombus shaped table, which seemed designed to facilitate group conversation. The table had two seats on each of the four "edges", and two additional seats at the "heads" (the acute tips, which were slightly truncated). Shining was flanked on his right by Cadance, and on his left by me (of course). To my left sat Flash Sentry, who also wore a featureless onyx collar and his formal guard attire. He had a subtle but naughty-looking grin on his muzzle which I tried not to look at directly.

I looked down at my chair before sitting, just in case there were some kind of horrible sex toy lodged into it. Fortunately, it was bare. These were flat chairs intended for sitting normally (not the kind where your legs awkwardly overhang the seat), so there would have been room to avoid it anyway.

Rarity was seated next to Princess Cadance. To Rarity's right sat Ms. Mare (whose dress I'll describe in a moment). To Ms. Mare's right was an empty seat which Shadowbane was presently walking towards. Princess Luna sat in the chair at the head of the table opposite my brother, flanked by two empty chairs: Shadowbane's empty chair on the left, and an elevated empty chair on the right obviously intended for Pipsqueak. Moon Black sat between Pipsqueak's chair and Flash Sentry, completing the elliptic rhomboid.

As I mentioned, Pip wasn't in his chair. Instead, he was galloping around the table and giggling. "Hi Princess Twilight!" he yelped every time he passed me. He wore a tiny tuxedo vest which was indescribably cute, complete with cumberbund, but no pants.

At that point it dawned on me just how young Pip is. I thought about lecturing Luna, but I couldn't allow myself to be absorbed into that argument right then. I had more pressing questions to ask.

Luna wore her white gold accessories, including her ounckse with white gold interior ring, while the nightwings remained nude (not counting the earrings—everypony had a pair on except Pip). What I could see of the Mayor's dress was lovely; clearly a Rarity creation. It appeared to be ruched charmeuse in turquoise blues and greens with pink accents which would match the Mayor's natural mane color if she ever decided to wash the grey dye out. She now wore copper earrings and a copper collar (I couldn't see her legs well), and she sat up straight and tall with an expression of pride on her face.

I was envious of that pride, and I let it burn within me. I deserve the pain I feel for instilling pride in her in the first place.

"Master?" said Rarity, to my brother.

"Relax, sweet cunt. Formal roles are dropped for the duration of the dinner," he said. "Even if this dinner isn't casual, Cadance and I think conversation tonight would be better with everypony freely able to express themselves."

"My Lady, regarding the child..." said Shadowbane, looking rather uncomfortable.

"Pipsqueak, calm yourself," said Luna, reaching out with a hoof to scoop him up into her lap, where he squirmed and giggled. "Master Shadowbane, fear not. Little Pip is of harm to nopony." She rubbed muzzles with him. If not for the context, it would have been adorable (okay, maybe it was 'objectively adorable' anyway).

Moon Black turned toward me. "The freedom which is granted to foals these days is... novel, to we bats who be freshly emigrated from another time," he said. "Comfort will come eventually, good Shadowbane."

Shadowbane smiled. "In time, most certainly. My Lady appears very comfortable, but she adapts more rapidly than you or I."

Luna smiled in return. "I enjoy seeing foals happy more than anything. Some here may be unaware that I retained the form of a foal for many decades, since my ascension to pegacorn occurred prior to earning my mark. The same is true of my sister," she revealed. "This provides me with solace amid young ponies. Additionally, I have witnessed many centuries come and go. Venerability carries with it the virtue of patience."

"Not to interject, but I must deeply apologize that your new accessories are not here yet, Lady Luna," said Rarity. "They should arrive in the morning."

Flash Sentry took a sip of wine, then chuckled and shook his head. "Rarity, you're amazing. Princess Luna already looks stunning. I can't imagine how incredible the new accessories must be if you think you've outdone these."

"Indeed," said Luna, with a smile. "You have spoiled us all, Rarity. Thank you so much for your tireless service to the Order of Spring, and moreover, to your friends."

I looked across the table, which had no centerpiece (I assume this was to avoid anything ornate getting in the way of conversation). Our places were set, and we each had a glass of red wine in front of us, including Pip, though the color was deeper so I suspected grape juice. There were baskets of bread and jam out, and the bread smelled freshly baked.

"I shouldn't have wine on an empty stomach, but I think I need this," I said, and lifted the glass. "To Rarity's endless creativity... and with luck, to the rapid end of Twilight Sparkle."

"To new beginnings," corrected Brother with a sad stare in my direction, and all raised their glasses. I sighed as I lifted the cup to my lips, but stopped when Cadance's eyes widened.

"Twilight! Wait!" she said. "Rarity, did...?"

"Hm? Yes, I donated to all of the glasses except my own, including Twilight's," she said. "Even Pipsqueak's grape juice."

"Ew," I said, setting down the cup. "I don't even want to know."

"Just a little blood," said Shining Armor. "And it won't hurt you."

"Will it turn me into a vampony?" I said, hooftipping the rim of the glass. For a brief moment, I was tempted to end this right then and there. "Or force me to taste the wolf, perhaps?"

"No," he said. "Even if the alcohol wasn't sufficient to lyse bacteria, the bacteria can't survive outside of blood. If you drank a small quantity of blood directly, unless it makes direct blood contact with an open sore, it would provide you with a hint of the wolf instead."

"I would prefer to give Pipsqueak his first hint in private, at a later time," said Princess Luna.

"I'm gonna drink blood," said Pip, his eyes narrowed evilly. "I need a red cape, though."

Before I could ask, Cadance responded with a definition: "A hint of the wolf gives you the senses of a vampony and a small amount of the desire. Exposure to sexual fluids and ingestion of diluted blood can cause it," she said. "Unlike tasting the wolf, a hint won't cause you to transform all the way. It's more appropriate as a first step for foals and skeptics."

"So a taste is between a hint and being turned, I guess?" I asked.

"More or less," said my brother, "But the only way to taste the wolf is by using mudblood. We don't know how to make it happen by using normal vampony blood or sexual fluids. It might not even be possible. Cadance is still researching what mudblood is composed of."

"I'm no foal, but a hint was sufficient to convince me," said Mayor Mare. "You must try it, Twilight. If you'd like, I'd be happy to assist you. You could have your fill of my nethers..." She smiled warmly, as though offering her wet pussy to my lips were nothing more obscene than a neighbor asking to borrow a ladder.

"You needed convincing?" I asked, trying as best I could not to think about the Mayor's offer in detail. (I did not succeed, and even though the idea of licking another mare down there is still something I find disgusting, it tickled my insides something fierce.)

Shadowbane chuckled. "Ms. Mare was adamantly opposed to becoming a vampony until we provided her with proof of concept. As she just pointed out herself, she is no foal, Twilight."

"That's... actually reassuring. I thought screwing with her brain would have been sufficient to make her do anything you told her to," I said. "I still have no idea why you—"

"Removal of the stain has no effect on logic, Twilight," interrupted Mayor Mare. "I'm the same pony I ever was. The only difference is that I am finally free of the moral restrictions which have prevented me from telling you what a delicious-looking cunt you have between those young, supple thighs." She licked her lips suggestively, and I blushed so hard I was afraid my cheeks would start sweating from the heat.

I paused for a moment to recover from the sensation, then turned toward my brother. "Shining, you want me to give in to you. Why does my consent still matter? Why not just take me?" I asked, despite knowing the answer. I had no choice but to ask. I desperately wanted them to get it over with, but I still couldn't beg them to do it. I remember thinking...

Why won't they rape me the way I need them to? Why won't they let me off the hook, and just take my body and soul without asking—

I abruptly stopped that train of thought, feeling a sick lurch in the pit of my stomach. Like a roller coaster too large for me to handle, it was thrilling and nauseating all mixed up together in a way where the good feelings couldn't be separated from the horrible ones. I couldn't believe those thoughts had just entered my mind. Nopony wants to be raped, do they? It isn't "rape" if they do, by definition at least. Ponies can have unrealistic fantasies, however, and it's hard not to have them here in captivity. (At least I still realize it's unrealistic.)

"No, Twilight," said Flash. He reached over to gently hold my hoof, which snapped me out of my reverie. "We want you to give in to yourself, not to your brother, and not to the Order. It's what you want that you're fighting, not what we want."

"We can do this right now, if it's what you truly want, Sis," said my brother. I turned back from Flash to look at him. His eyes were hopeful.

"You know I can't," I said, briefly grimacing.

"Twilight, could you please help us understand something about your state of mind?" said Rarity. "You seem to like it when we do naughty things with you, yet you look so miserable. Didn't you enjoy our time in the bath together? Doesn't that plug feel nice inside of you?"

"I've been wondering the same thing," said Princess Cadance. "You don't fight us when we pleasure you, but you refuse to give in completely. You're making yourself suffer by playing both sides. None of us can understand why."

"Just... give me a moment to think," I said, my voice a whisper.

I had been blocking out my feelings for a long time, because I saw my emotions as the enemy. Rarity had an excellent point. I enjoyed the sex, even at the same time as I thought of it as abuse. What I hated was my position in all this...

I could hear Pip messily eating some bread and jam, but that was the only sound in the room. Everypony around me was practically holding their breath. My eyes were shut tight and I squeezed Flash's hoof in mine. I felt like crying, and I didn't understand why.

Before I could reach an epiphanic moment (something I'm trying not to have as I write this, because I'm too tired for epiphanies right now), Brother stood up and placed a hoof on my shoulder.

"Twily, I think this is something you need to spend more time thinking about. We all know you've been suffering, and that's the last thing we want for you," he said. "But I suspect this is going to take time. We intended for this dinner to be a relaxing event where you can ask us questions, so unless you're sure you want to explore your psychology right now, you might want to pause here. Dealing with your own inner demons is something we can help you with tomorrow."

He was right. I don't know what lies beneath, but it hurts to think about it. I'll try to work on it tomorrow. I suspect there will be tears. Ugh.

"Until you have a better understanding of your own desires, we can avoid doing anything sexual with you, or to you," said Princess Luna. "Would that be a welcome reprieve from the stress?"

I opened my eyes and exhaled deeply. "Yes, actually. That... that would really help, I think." (Even as I said the words, I regretted them. I'm not sure why. Maybe I just want to belong, on some unspoken level... or maybe there's more to it. I don't know yet.)

At the cusp of this awkward tension, Crystal Hoof burst into the room rolling forward a large cart filled with salads, and a much larger plate bearing unusual greens and veggies for customizing them. He began serving everypony, a very happy smile on his face.

"We should make a space for you after you bring the main course, darling," said Rarity as she gently smoothed his mane. "You belong here as much as anypony."

"Oh, n-no, I'm j-just a cunt," he said, blushing. "I'm not hungry for s-salad anyway..."

"That isn't how being a cunt works," said Shining Armor. "You're entitled to be with us, Crystal Hoof, regardless as to your station. The only reason you aren't seated at the moment is that we can't trust anypony else to serve us our meal tonight, given the topics of conversation at hoof."

"Oh! And I am very happy to serve, Master Prince Shining Armor," he said, his tail wagging in a cute but most un-ponylike manner as he finished delivering the first course to the table.

Princess Cadance cleared her throat, and nodded towards Rarity.

"Come here, Crystal Hoof," said Rarity, and the crystal pony galloped right into her legs for a hug. She kissed him on the nose, and he shivered, closed his eyes, and licked his lips.

"You're so nice to me, Lady Rarity," he whimpered.

Rarity pet him until he opened his eyes. "Crystal, I need to tell you something, and you have to promise me not to be afraid. Everypony here cares about you, and you're not in any trouble."

"What is it?" Crystal Hoof looked a little nervous. "I... I promise."

Rarity took a deep breath, and smiled wanly. "I want you to know... that it's okay to be a changeling," she said.

Salad forks suddenly stopped moving. The silence in the room was deafening. Crystal Hoof's body shivered in fear.

"W-what? B-but, I'm n-not..." he said, tears in his eyes. It looked like he was ready to fall apart.

"We already know," said Princess Cadance. "You seem to be able to give love as well as you receive it, and nopony here has been harmed by you. I have the ability to see love made manifest, so I know it must be true."

"On the contrary, we have been blessed by your service," said Shining Armor. "Like Rarity said, as long as you're not here spying for Chrysalis, we're fine with you being a part of our herd."

Crystal Hoof began to cry. "I... I'm so s-sorry."

"Shh," said Rarity. "I'm sure you can feel that we still love you, can't you?"

My heart went out to him, and that inner compassion surprised me. Journal, I saw what the changelings did to my family... but you can't see Crystal Hoof in pony and not pity him. He's adorable, he's vulnerable, and he's clearly loyal to these new friends he's made. Nopony could be that good of an actor, not even a changeling. Maybe love really can change anything. Friendship is such a powerful, magical force. I just wish it weren't made so filthy and disgusting by sex.

"Absolutely. You're welcome among us," said Flash Sentry.

"I'm afraid we can't let you leave us for the time being, because it would be very dangerous if anypony found out about the existence of vamponies," said Shining Armor, with a brief frown. "I don't want you to think we don't accept you for who you are, but we need to find a better way to share our gifts with you. Princess Luna has been working on that in her spare time, and I'm sure the other princesses will be happy to join her. But if you did leave, could we trust that you would keep our plans secret?"

Crystal Hoof looked toward Shining Armor with his head downcast and ears laid back, and nodded his head. "I don't know much about what the vampony thing means, but I know it would be dangerous to tell anypony else. I promise I'll keep it a secret. Oh, and don't worry about it being weird. You're not even that scary compared to most other changelings I know," he said, then he turned toward Princess Cadance with his ears laid even flatter in shame. "I'm really sorry for what my brothers did to you all. Especially Queen Chrysalis. I wish they could learn how much better it is to share love than to steal it. I'm not loyal to them anymore, but I still want to help them, someday."

"Crystal Hoof, I'm sure we'll find a way to help your brothers someday," I volunteered, not wanting to miss the opportunity to make an impression on him. "I'm very happy you've been able to learn how to share love with others! I only wish this were a normal situation where you could learn more about the magic of friendship without all the inappropriate sex confusing you."

Crystal Hoof giggled. "It's okay, I really like the sex! Even though I don't quite understand it," he replied. "Changelings... we're a little different that way. It's kind of complicated."

I noticed Luna smiling as she surreptitiously wiped a tear from her eye. Then, Princess Cadance stood up and cleared her throat, drawing everypony's attention.

"I need to be blunt about something, Crystal," she said.

"It's... um, actually it's Thorax," said the changeling. "But you can call me Crystal Hoof if you like it better!"

Cadence smiled briefly. "Thorax it is, then. As I was saying, I can tell that you've been able to share love with others, and it fills my heart with hope. Even so, I don't trust you yet," she said. "It is very difficult for me to accept something like this after what your people did to my husband and family. However, my heart is always open to change, and I very much desire for what you're saying to be true. I believe in the power of Love, Thorax. It won't be easy for me, but in time, I hope the two of us will grow to be good friends."

Moon Black nodded repeatedly. "Hear, hear," he offered. "Thorax, if you wish, you could reveal your hatchform to us."

"You're not obligated to if you're not comfortable with it, dear," said Rarity.

Thorax (or is he still 'Crystal Hoof' when he's in this form?) closed his eyes. "I, um... I'd rather wait, if that's okay. I don't want to spoil your dinner any more than I already have. Oh! That reminds me, I need to get back to the soup!" He deftly kissed Rarity on the cheek, then galloped out of the room.

"Thorax is really a changeling?" asked Pip with a broad smile, as Luna finally helped him into his seat. "They're scary."

"Indeed. Perhaps he will make a fun and scary friend," said Luna, retaking her seat.

"Oh, Princess Twilight? You have a really cute butthole," said Pipsqueak, suddenly directing his attention my way. "And, um, there's somethin' in your butt. It looks pretty, but it's kinda gross." Everypony around the table was smiling except for me.

I gritted my teeth as I poured vinegar onto my salad. "I'm sorry, Pip. You shouldn't need to see something that perverse. Especially not at your age."

"It's okay Princess! I like gross stuff. I'm a colt," he said.

"Young ponies see anuses in public every day, Twilight," said Rarity. "There is nothing 'gross' about yours, as far as I'm concerned. You should show it off with pride."

"The only reason you're saying that is because you aren't Rarity anymore. Rarity would be completely disgusted by all of this nonsense," I said, as my voice raised both in pitch and volume. "I mean, that name you picked for me? It's just impossible! You aren't the same pony. You cannot be."

"If you don't like your dickname, we can change it," said my brother. "Nothing is finalized, and dicknames are just an informal jape at the moment, anyway. That said, I happen to think 'Toilet Spunkhole' is a beautiful name."

"Toilet. Toilet? How is that sexy in the least?! Are you going to force me to eat feces or something, now?" I nearly shouted.

Immediately, I regretted asking that question. But if the answer were 'yes', at least it would have shored up my resistance to the vamponies.

Shining Armor rolled his eyes. "Of course not. Maybe a little watersports, though."

"That means urine play," said Cadence.

"Also called 'golden showers'," said Rarity, wearing a gentle smile. "Well, being peed on, I mean. There are many other things—"

"See, this is how I know it isn't you inside there anymore! The real Rarity would be nauseated at this disgusting talk." I took an angry bite of salad to stop myself from launching into full lecture mode.

"Oh, Twilight, please! I enjoyed the pleasures of a stallion's urine stream long before I became a vampony," she said. "It's the most sterile thing to come out of the pony body, for goodness' sake."

"Ewwww," said Pip. (Yeah, that's right. The only other pony at the table with any horse sense in them was barely old enough for grade school.)

I tried to quickly swallow a mouthful of salad, and unwittingly took a large sip of wine to wash it down. I remembered the blood was in there after I'd taken the drink, but it wasn't like I could taste it. The alcohol was comforting, even if it was mostly placebo effect at the moment.

Just then, Pipsqueak, um... "broke wind". It was a tiny little squeak, but it was unmistakeable. Princess Luna and Shining Armor chuckled. Pip blushed and cowered in embarrassment.

To my surprise, Rarity recoiled in distaste. "My Stars! We are at a formal dinner, young Pipsqueak," she said, frowning.

"S-sorry," he said, his ears flat.

"It is fine, Pip," said Luna. "In the future, I can show you a trick to prevent the sound when you must do such a thing, so as not to disturb other ponies. We will discuss it tonight, before bed."

"Although with our enhanced senses, we'll always know anyway," said Princess Cadence, with a shrug. She took a long gulp of wine. "Mmm. Rarity, thank you for your donation this evening. Your blood is most invigorating."

"Wait just a minute," I said. "Let me get this straight. Micturition is fine, but flatuses are bad? I'm not expecting this to make any sense, of course, but can you try to explain?"

Rarity blinked a few times. "Based on the conversation so far and my knowledge of my good friend Twilight Sparkle, I will assume that 'micturition' refers in some way to passing urine, and the word 'flatuses' refers to passing gas," she said. "To answer your question: neither is worse than the other, Twilight. The difference is context. If somepony stood on the table and started urinating right now, I would be absolutely appalled. This is a semi-public gathering. It isn't an appropriate venue for sexual venting unless we intentionally decide to engage in that kind of behavior. Even then, mental preparation is key to enjoyment."

"Context? Are you actually saying that the act of urinating on somepony magically becomes 'okay' when it's associated with sex?" I looked around the room. Several ponies were nodding. I'm sure the disbelief was obvious on my muzzle.

"Lady Rarity is correct, Twilight," said Mayor Mare. "Sex does, in fact, turn disgusting things into beautiful things."

"But you have seen this yourself, Twilight, have you not?" asked Shadowbane. "I am informed that you have learned to engage in sexual acts over the past few weeks to which you previously would have found repugnant."

I reflexively tensed my anus, suddenly remembering that metal plug in my butt. A month ago I'd have been distraught by the very idea, but... it felt kind of nice. Shadowbane was correct.

"That... okay, I admit it. That actually makes some sense," I said. "But it only illustrates how sex confuses everypony into doing unnatural and illogical things."

"Sex is natural, Twilight," said Flash Sentry. "And a lot of fun things are illogical, like humor for one. It's okay to enjoy things like these as long as they aren't dangerous."

"This is a good line of conversation. Ask more questions, Sis," said Shining Armor. "Let us help you understand."

"Huh. Well, I guess I'll assume for the sake of argument that you aren't completely insane, even though I don't believe that," I admitted. "Let's start with the idea of context itself. Obviously, as a non-vampony I understand the idea of appropriateness of situation. But you vamponies are always fucking—oh gosh. I forgot about Pip," I said, and winced. "I'm very sorry, Pipsqueak. This conversation is not for foals. You really shouldn't be here."

"It's okay Princess Twilight! I know what 'fucking' means," he said, and giggled at his own obscenity.

"We're not always fucking, Twily. How would we get anything done?" asked my brother. "I mean, we do it more frequently than we used to, sure, but not that much more frequently. Maybe twice as often... or a little more. Three times, tops."

"But, with many more individuals," added Shadowbane.

"Many more," added Flash, with a rakish smile. "But there's always room for another." He winked, and my face immediately felt flushed.

"It's kind of like being married to everypony," said Cadance. "Not in terms of commitment or personal closeness, but in terms of love and how it is expressed. We can be a little 'hoovesy' in general even when we aren't fucking, but that's really no different from locker-room behavior, for the most part."

"If that's true, why have you been doing it around me all the time?" I asked.

"Well, we were hoping if you saw how loving your family had become, you'd be willing to try it out for yourself," said Shining Armor. "Obviously, this hasn't worked out the way we planned. If you have any ideas on how to pull yourself out of your own shell, we're definitely open to them."

Brother's voice was playful rather than sarcastic. I planted a hoof over my face, mainly to avoid laughing out loud.

Thorax returned to the room with the mane course. It looked like a thick, hearty vegetable stew. I could smell dandelions, sunflowers, and saffron, and I suddenly realized how hungry I was.

"Ooh!" said Pipsqueak, clopping his hooves against the table.

"Perhaps comfort food will help ease the tone of our conversation," said Moon Black. "I am sure Twilight has many more questions about our kind."

I took a moment to inhale the stew's aroma as Thorax placed it in front of me. "Oh, this smells delicious," I said.

"Thorax, go get another chair and set it here between the Mayor and I. You will be eating with us, and that is final," she ordered.

"Yes, Lady Rarity," he replied, blushing.

"Quite curious. Do changeling ponies need to eat?" asked Shadowbane.

"Oh, we like to! It isn't essential as long as we get enough love, but food still tastes good to us," said Thorax. "If we're not getting enough love, it helps sustain us, but it won't work forever. We need love a lot more than food, and almost as much as water." He trotted off and quickly returned with a chair.

I set my salad aside and ate several spoonfuls of stew, slightly burning my tongue but not caring in the slightest. "Wow. This is amazing! Thorax, you should be a cook. I'm serious," I said. "I'm surprised this isn't your cutie... ah, right. Nevermind."

"Thanks! The secret ingredient is love," he said, and grinned. "Um, but not really. It's just a figure of speech."

"Twilight, would you like to continue with questions?" asked Shining Armor. "Like you said before, just pretend we're not crazy."

Thorax trotted off to the kitchen and returned with a chair, which he placed at the obtuse angle of the rhombus adjacent to Rarity.

I paused in thought, until the most obvious question came to mind. "On several occasions you've tried and failed to explain to me why you're doing all of this: assaulting ponies, turning your friends and family into vamponies, and attempting to overthrow Princess Celestia and cause an upheaval in the entire social order," I said. "Walk me through the deranged mentality. Are you just so horny you can't think straight?"

"First and foremost," said Princess Luna with a look of surprise, "We are not 'overthrowing' my sister. That is beyond preposterous."

"Excepting Pipsqueak and Crystal—er, Thorax, rather—it's taken everypony in this room just to cover for Auntie's absence!" said Princess Cadance, with a bright laugh. "And we've still done a substandard job. She rules Equestria for a reason, Twilight."

"Wait, you thought we were trying to take over Equestria?" said Shining Armor. He sighed and put his head in his hooves. "Right. Of course you did. We bucked this up royally. Er, pun not intended."

(Pip gasped, and I sensed that 'bucked' was a naughtier word than 'fucking' to a vampony foal. I'd seen this before with the Cutie Mark Crusaders, though.)

"BBBFF, you have Princess Celestia in chains in the Crystal Kingdom! What else am I supposed to think? And how do you expect to bring about this new social order if she's still running Equestria and she opposes it?" I asked.

"Temporary setback, sweetie. She won't oppose us for much longer," said Rarity. "The wolf can be very persuasive."

"My sister will listen to reason," said Luna. "She just needs some time to think about things, and a little guidance. Before my banishment, she would have leaped at the opportunity to bring about the social changes we envision. Once Cadance goes to speak with her, I'm certain she'll come around."

"You told me that leaders are usually cunts. If she's a cunt, she can't lead," I said.

Shadowbane swallowed a bite of stew and tapped his glass with a hoof. "Friends, when Twilight and I spoke earlier, it appeared she was of the mistaken belief that 'Master' in some way signifies a pony is more important, or 'superior' to others. She does not seem to appreciate the true nature of our relationships."

"Cunts are every bit as important as Masters," said Shining Armor, blowing gently on a spoonful, waiting for it to cool. "Why would you think that?"

I was taken aback, and I'm sure it showed. "Uh, maybe because you're controlling everything? You think stallions need to tell mares what to do. How is that not acting like you're superior?"

"That's what cunts need us to do. It's in your nature. It's something you want to happen," said Flash Sentry.

"But that doesn't mean we throw away Celestia's centuries of experience and impressive skill set," said Shining Armor. "She should be the one to rule."

"However, the extent of her rule should apply neither in the bedroom, nor in mundane daily affairs which do not require her expertise," said Moon Black.

I dropped my spoon into the stew and sat there with my mouth open for a few quiet seconds. My eyes darted back and forth over empty space as I ran through my checklist of implausibles. "Wait, no. That doesn't comport with the way you've been behaving at all! I mean, when we had that other dinner, you know, the one you all went batshit insane..."

Pip gasped again, and giggled. Moon Black glared at me, and Shadowbane spoke toward him. "I am certain she does not mean it in a racist sense, Moon."

"...right, I'm sorry. It's an old expression that has nothing to do with nightwings," I said, instantly feeling uncomfortable (Moon Black seemed to calm down, at least). "But at that dinner, you tried to get me to have sex with you, you blamed mares for society's ills, and... you literally said 'Applejack needs a good stallion to correct her', or something very close to that. Where did all that come from?"

Shining Armor winced. "This might be hard to believe, but... well, we kind of forgot what it was like to be 'normal'," he explained. "At the time, we assumed you understood what we meant. Once it became clear you didn't, we actually had a hard time figuring out what you thought we were trying to tell you."

"Initial exposure to the wolf makes one grow a bit disconnected from reality," said Princess Luna. "Even removal of the stain does this. It is hard at first to remember what it is like to be restrained by pointless moral codes. Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor had only recently been turned, and they started to believe that their point of view was manifest to all."

"We didn't understand your resistance," said Cadance. "We were caught off guard, but we figured it didn't matter because you were trapped in the Crystal Kingdom with us and eventually you'd agree to taste the wolf, just to see what it's like."

"I'm going to need time to think about this," I said. "But the fact that Celestia and I are prisoners suggests you're still insane. There's no possible way this will end well."

"It will," said Flash. "Once you both taste the wolf, or even experience a hint, you'll join us. It's neigh-certain."

I shook my head. "Look, guys... your logic has been corrupted so badly, I don't know if you realize how nuts that sounds."

"You do have a point, Twilight. It's sadly ironic that having your mental faculties compromised can lead to the inability to detect that your mental faculties are compromised," said Mayor Mare. "However, I must agree with the others. Once you experience this, you'll know it's right. It isn't just a good feeling, it's knowing that you can provide that feeling to others."

"So, fine. It's a drug. It's, like, sex to the n^th power or something. You're doing whatever makes your tits and dicks feel good, and not even realizing how much this need controls you or threatens to damage society," I pointed out, then quickly gobbled several bites of stew. (It was truly succulent, Journal. Who would expect a changeling could cook so well?)

"Twily, you know I'm not a sensation seeker," said Shining Armor. "Mom's the only one in our family who likes physical thrills. This is not about how my dick feels. It's about how my heart feels. I feel more love now than I've ever felt in my life... and I married the Princess of Love, for crying out loud." He cracked a smile, and Cadance leaned over to nuzzle his neck.

I sighed. "I get the idea, but I can't trust that even a hint of the wolf isn't going to screw my brains up forever. If everypony changes their minds when they do it, and I can't imagine changing mine, it feels like you're asking me to die and be reborn as somepony I'm not," I said. "Could I talk to Celestia about this? I have questions I need to ask her, anyway. In pony, I mean, not by mail. I need to see her face."

"I'm not sure how we can do that," said Cadance. "We can't take you to the Crystal Kingdom with that thing on your horn. If you get loose and tell everypony about what we are, we could wind up dead. Ponies aren't always rational when it comes to change, and doubly so when we appear to be mythical monsters."

"Could we trust you?" asked Flash Sentry. "I mean, would you keep all of this secret for us?"

I stared into space for a moment, then nodded. "Yes," I said. "I just want to talk to Celestia, that's all. Even if you can't convince us, I can promise you not to tell anypony. Then Celestia and I can work with you, to find a mutually acceptable solution."

"I want to believe you, Twilight. I really do. But the stakes are far too high," said Shining Armor.

"We could use the truth serum on her," said Moon Black, between bites of stew.

"I fear it would not work on a pegacorn," said Luna.

Just then, my brother's eyes lit up. "Wait! I think I know a way," he said. "We'll ask Applejack. If anypony could tell, she could."

"Horsecrap... I completely forgot about her," I said, with a dark look on my face. "You'd damn well better be treating her well."

"Luna, can I say horsecrap and damn?" Pipsqueak asked.

"No, and I am going to swat your bottom for using those words," she said, and playfully slapped Pip's butt with her hoof.

"Owww!" said Pipsqueak, whining loudly, then he opened his eyes. "Oh. I guess it didn't hurt any."

"Applejack is perfectly fine," said Cadance. "But she's back in Ponyville now. I'll need to send a note for her to come to Canterlot."

"I'm leaving for Ponyville right after the, ahem, 'event' we have planned for tomorrow," said Rarity, with a sly smile. "I'll arrive tomorrow evening, and Applejack can take the first train back here. She should be at the castle the following afternoon."

"You don't mind waiting a couple more days, do you?" asked Flash Sentry, leaning forward so our muzzles almost touched. I had to shut my eyes to avoid getting lost in his.

How could I say no to that?

Oh, right: I can't say no because I'm a prisoner (ha ha). Jokes aside, I think I'm okay with this. I can Pinkie Promise to keep everything mum until I've had a chance to speak with Celestia in pony. Since my brother sounds slightly less insane now, that much is not a problem.

Of course, I also have no problem breaking her out of her holding cell right after we've had a chat. Once this thing is off my horn, I'll be unstoppable. I've been spending a lot of idle moments thinking about how to get around teleportation shields and knockout drugs. Princess Twilight Sparkle isn't about to fall for the same trap twice. Then again, I'm not entirely certain why I fell for some of this in the first place, but Brother and Flash may have been right about my psychology working against me.

Moon above, save me from myself...

There was dessert, but I was so exhausted I asked to be excused. Flash and Rarity also excused themselves so they could accompany me back to that lovely suite.

I've finally finished writing this entry. Rarity and Flash Sentry asked if they could sleep with me and cuddle, and I agreed with them as long as they don't try to stimulate me or themselves sexually (unless I start doing it, in which case I give up and we can have sex). I'm not even certain you can cuddle non-sexually, but I desperately need to be close to them for reasons I still don't fully understand. I'm seriously not looking forward to doing therapy on myself tomorrow. Whatever has been making me play this game poorly is darker than I want to admit.

Rarity said I could keep the toy inside me overnight—apparently it's really-well lubricated and it shouldn't hurt me. I seriously considered her offer. Unfortunately, it still creeps me out a little, mostly because it has Brother's cutie mark on it. So she showed me how to remove it without hurting myself. It was a little gross (only just a little, though) and needed to be cleaned, which took all of ten seconds.

Due to the heat capacity of metal and its thermodynamic proximity to my body temperature from the long period of equilibrium, it exited my ponut very warm to the t—oh no. Dammit, Rarity! Ick, ick, ick!

That's why the toy Spike had was so warm after he came out of the bathroom! And naturally, Pinkie took the same freaking plug and shoved it right up my ass. Yes, you read it right: I've had a 'toy' that came from deep up inside my little brother's butt, a place no toy whatsoever belongs, all the way up my butt.

Oh, that is just bucking wonderful. I feel so close to him now Journal. It's like we're "butt-buddies", which would be just like soul-mates, except with our butts. Maybe Rarity can make a double-ended plug so we can wear the same toy at the same—no, no, I'd better not give her ideas, even ridiculous ones.

(If it isn't coming across, that was intended as heavy sarcasm.)