I had some very disturbing dreams. This will be a short entry.

At some point during my slumber, I awoke in a strange place. The lighting was very dim, and everything around me seemed to be made of colored smoke, even the ground I lay upon.

I heard a friendly, "Hi, Twilight!" that immediately struck fear into my heart. It was Sweetie Belle's voice.

I turned around and fell backwards. The ground was uneven because it was made of shifting smoke with little hills and ridges. I lay back against what felt much like a cloud, except it was moving ever-so-slightly, massaging my shoulders and withers.

Approaching me were all three Crusaders. They seemed happy to see me. That emotion was not reciprocated.

"Girls, is... that really you?" I asked, shoving myself backwards against the soft material behind me. There was a thundercrack and a flash, and suddenly Princess Luna was standing there, just behind them. She wore an ounckse, plus her usual greaves and regalia.

"Not all encounters in a dream are literally real," said Luna. "However, they always come from your subconscious mind, and thus serve as an important allegory to reality."

"You're saying this isn't real," I said. "Are you doing this to torment me?"

Luna's face softened. "You think it is I, and not you, who are doing this to yourself?" she asked. "I am here as an observer, and a guide; nothing more."

I tried to cast a spell to wake myself, but my horn was no longer present on my forehead—of course. I felt naked and vulnerable, and I closed my eyes.

"Fine. I'll just be quiet and wait for this to go away," I said.

"Ah, the 'head in the sand' approach. Has that strategy been paying off so far with your current struggle?" asked Luna.

I said nothing, and felt kisses against my pelt: my thighs, my belly. Three fillies were licking and sucking at my flesh.

"Please, no," I whispered, keeping my eyes closed.

"Don't you like this?" Scootaloo whispered in my ear, then she kissed at my jawline.

"Of course, but I don't want to enjoy it," I said with my eyes still shut tight. "I don't want to be attracted to you. I don't want to be a pedofoal!"

"Why not?" asked Apple Bloom, as she and Sweetie Belle latched onto my teats and began gently suckling.

I took a deep breath. "Ultimately... I don't care what happens to me. I don't want you to be hurt," I said, then I opened my eyes. Scootaloo was staring me right in the face and smiling, as she rested on my chest.

"We're fine, Twilight," said Sweetie Belle, removing her mouth from my teat only long enough to make the assertion.

"Luna, what are you trying to prove by this?" I asked, but Scootaloo's face blocked my view of the alicorn. I could feel my vagina drooling, and little electric shocks of pleasure tickling my teats and nethers. Then Scootaloo kissed me on the lips, and pressed her tiny tongue into my mouth.

I relaxed into it, wrong though it was. I made muffled sounds like I was trying to stop her, but I'm pretty sure I wasn't. After all, it wasn't really Scootaloo, and if Luna controlled my dreams, I had no choice in the matter.

Actually, something about not having any choice in the matter made it significantly more erotic. I think it's because I didn't have to blame myself for what was happening anymore. It almost felt like a gift, not being able to resist.

"I am trying to prepare you, Princess Twilight Sparkle, much in the same way as a back-rider grooms a mount. You must become comfortable with your feelings, if you are to face them," she said. "And soon, face them you shall."

I shivered where I lay, and gave in to the moment, gently putting my arms around Scootaloo as she French kissed me. I'd never felt this degree of pleasure in my life, not even with Applejack. I didn't deserve to feel this, and I suspect nopony does. (I might not even deserve to exist anymore.) But for the moment, I didn't care. I hugged her tightly, stroked her back with my hooves, and let her have her way with my mouth.

My legs spasmed in tiny jerks. Both girls switched from my teats to my vulva, gently tugging and rubbing and kissing and licking. It was too much sensation all at once. I pushed hard, disengaging from the kiss.

"I can't do this, I c-can't," I gasped, and whined out loud as a powerful orgasm hit me. Something sprayed out of my urethra. It felt like urine, but it wasn't like peeing—it was far too forceful and wild. I craned my neck around Scootaloo to see the other two Crusaders giggling with wet faces.

I felt physically ill, but I took some comfort: at least this was only a dream.

"It's okay, Twi. You don't need to feel guilty," said Apple Bloom, licking the moisture off of Sweetie Belle's muzzle.

"Yeah," said Scootaloo. "Just pretend it isn't real."

Sweetie Belle almost smacked Apple Bloom in the face as she facehooved. "Scootaloo! You're not supposed to tell her we're real!" she moaned.

"Oh, right. Whoops," said Scootaloo, wearing a sheepish grin.

"You said this wasn't happening!" I shouted at Luna, kicking and shoving the foals away from me.

"I said no such thing. Besides, reality contains a great deal of subjectivity, Twilight," said Luna.

The Crusaders backed off to a safe distance. I held my hooves over my groin, wishing with all my heart that I hadn't felt the things I did... that I didn't feel what I was still feeling.

"We just want you to be happy, Twilight," said Apple Bloom. "You gotta be able to see that by now."

"Do I look happy to you?" I said. "I don't want to feel this way!"

Luna approached me and sat by my side. I felt like hitting her, but I held back my anger. I couldn't look her in the eyes. There was too much shame in my breast.

"Twilight, you cannot control how you feel. Nopony can," she said, gently placing a hoof on my chin. "What you feel within is not your fault, but neither shall it disappear. You must learn to accept your feelings for what they are."

I started crying a little, but I still refused to look at Luna. "What... what do you want from me," I whispered. "Whatever it is, just take it and get it over with. Stop this torture."

"I need you to accept that your desires are not within your control, and thus are not your responsibility. You have so little experience with sex that minor incidents such as these can greatly shape your future erotic preferences," she said. "The longer you remain in opposition to the Order, the more deviant your needs shall grow. And the word needs is not an exaggeration."

"I don't understand," I said, finally turning to look at her. Her face was a mask of sadness and compassion. "Are you saying I won't be a pedofoal if I join the Order?"

"Follow, not join. And no, I am not saying that, although I suspect you already realize if you follow the Order you will become a little bit of everything. I am telling you that you are on a path to ruin, and you have recently passed the point of no return," she said. "There is no magical or scientific treatment that can return you to the pony you once were. This is how one's sexual awakening works, but usually it happens... not so late in life."

"This isn't helping," I said, angrily. "You're just telling me I'm doomed and trying to corrupt me further. Well, fine. You know what? I already believe I'm beyond redemption—I'm not in this for myself anymore. I'm fighting for Equestria, and for the safety of confused foals like these. It's all I have left."

"You are lying. You are fighting for Celestia by proxy, and more so, you are fighting against yourself," said Luna.

"You must enjoy seeing me suffer," I said softly.

The Crusaders shook their heads, and a chorus of "no's" echoed. Luna sighed.

I took a deep breath. "Nopony yet has given me any logical reason why this nightmare of deviance should be permitted, much less forced on everypony in the way I've witnessed with my own eyes."

"Ah. Well, then I shall give you something concrete, if small. When next you meet with your brother, I believe he will be wise enough to share with you the secret that my sister has hidden from unicornkind," said Luna. "His decisions up until this point have been poor, in part because the power of the Order is so overwhelming to the senses."

"Wait, there's something about unicorns? Why can't you tell me?" I asked.

"It is not mine to reveal. It is a secret that, until recently, had been hidden from me as well. It has nothing to do with sex," she said. "It is one of several reasons why it is time for our society to change."

"If Shining Armor has factual data to share with me, I will listen," I said. "But I cannot imagine anything that would make me change my mind about how wrong all of this is."

"Then you must endeavor to clear your mind of preconceptions as best you can, Twilight Sparkle. The story you have yet to weave remains tragic, but it need not involve the level of suffering you continue to inflict upon yourself," said Luna.

"Are you going to trap me here again and try to locate me in the waking world?" I asked. Secretly, I hoped the answer was yes. I was so weary of fighting, and my self-loathing was growing exponentially.

Luna shook her head. "I shall not. My intervention is only for mercy, now, because your future has already been preordained by events. A very powerful friend of mine is seeing to that."

"My future is predestined, you mean?" I asked.

Luna stood up and said nothing, then walked over to the Crusaders. "Come with me, little ones. We must leave our dear friend alone for now."

"Aww!" said Sweetie Belle.

"Can the three of us at least stay in the same dream?" asked Apple Bloom. "I think I'm kinda, let's see how'd Master put it... 'pent up' after all that."

"Good luck, Twilight," said Scootaloo, looking over her shoulder and waving at me, a forlorn expression on her face. All four of them disappeared into the mist, and then everything went dark.

I'm not leaving any space after this entry, because I'm eager to write the next one.

It's time for some real answers, and I know which pony to ask.