Where was I?

Oh, right. Pinkie Pie had just scared the twilights out of me. I stood up, tried to relax, and then took a moment to cast the infection delay spell.

"Whoa!" said Pinkie Pie, removing her ninja mask and hopping off of the rope. "Was that some kind of secret agent nopony-can-overhear-us spell?" she whispered.

"Nope. It's the cure for the infection, except it doesn't work anymore because I waited too long," I explained. "So I have to cast it twice a day to keep the infection from spreading." I sighed a little. I probably looked pretty tired.

"Oh gee Twilight, you look awful," said Pinkie Pie, confirming my suspicion, then gave me a nice warm hug. It felt great. I held back tears.

As she moved away from the hug, I heard a tinny tapping sound and looked down. On her feet she wore a new type of copper horseshoe. This kind was even thinner, and not nearly as heavy. It looked quite fashionable. It seemed odd to me that she wore the shoe over the catsuit, but it didn't appear to have damaged the material. Looking back up, I noticed Pinkie had on a copper collar as well.

I felt a brief chill crawl up my spine.

"Twilie—oops, sorry! I mean, Twilight? Are you okay?" asked Pinkie Pie, looking very concerned.

Spike approached us both. "She's been through a lot Pinkie. Like, some really horrible stuff, like her parents trying to rape..."

"Spike!" I barked. He winced, knowing he'd said too much. Before I could respond to Pinkie Pie, she picked me up and dropped me face-down onto the sofa, and began massaging my shoulders. I almost freaked out, but I didn't, and pony am I glad I didn't. She's really, really good at this. Seriously, she could work part-time down at the spa.

"Pinkie, I appreciate you trying to... Wow, that really helps," I said, and murmured a bit.

I barely felt myself doze off, and lost consciousness for about a half-hour. I guess things were harder on me than I'd thought.

When I came to, Spike was gently tapping me. Pinkie had taken off her outfit, except for the collar, and then she'd put the copper shoes back on. About this time I noticed her copper earrings were different, too: smaller than the old ones.

"Sorry about that Twilight," he said, looking terribly guilty.

"It's okay," I said, following it with a yawn. "I don't care if she knows, and it's probably best she does," I admitted. I rose to a sitting position on the couch.

Spike nodded, looking relieved. "So, I caught Pinkie up on everything except for the gory details," he began.

"But gory details are the best details!" whined Pinkie, mock-pouting.

I chuckled. "Okay, so if we're on the same page, let's see. I need to know what Rarity's up to..."

Before I could finish, she interrupted me with a gentle hoof on my shoulder. "Twilight Sparkle," said Pinkie Pie, looking me dead in the eye. "There was nothing wrong with what we did with Spike."

I felt my stomach drop into my hooves (but not literally, that would be ridiculous). "Pinkie," I said, closing my eyes.

"No! Don't do this to yourself Twilight. This is not the time," she said.

Spike cleared his throat. "Listen to her, Twilight. Please."

"I can't believe I'm about to say this, but... Fine. I don't think we did anything wrong," I admitted.

For a moment, nopony said anything. Then Pinkie broke the silence.

"Great! Oh, what a relief. Spike was really worried that—" she said, but I placed a hoof on her mouth.

"But that doesn't mean we didn't do something very, very illegal."

"If it's not wrong, then why the hay does it have to be illegal?" grumbled Spike.

"To protect foals like you from abuse, Spike."

"It wasn't abuse. And you said I wasn't a foal anymore..."

I took a deep breath. "Society is safer with a blanket ban on, well, that sort of thing with foals. Sex is weird and confusing enough as it is, and even adults suffer from heartache and rejection..."

"Oh!" said Pinkie. "But then isn't it better to teach them about it early?"

I shook my head. "I don't know. This thing is bigger than any of us, Pinkie," I said. "I don't think Celestia will hold us accountable for what happened due to the circumstances, and I probably have a lot of leeway as a Princess. But I understand the purpose of the law, and I agree with it."

"Wait," Spike said. "Are you actually saying that the law should apply irrespective to the situation? If anypony could look at our situation and determine it was appropriate, why does the law have to be so... so, um...?"

"Monolithic," I suggested.

"Ooh! Monolithic. I like that word. Maud used to use it all the time!" said you-know-who.

"Guys, I don't want to talk about this now. When it comes to the safety of the vulnerable, the law is simpler when the lines are clearly drawn. Ugh, why did everypony I know have to turn into perverts!"

"Twilight, at least let me say just one more thing," Pinkie asked.

I sighed. "Sure, go ahead."

"Yay! Oh wait, I meant sing one more thing," she corrected herself.

"Oh no," said Spike, under his breath.

"Pinkie, please, please, please tell me you're not about to sing a song in defense of pedofoalia," I said, in the most entreating tone I could muster.

"Don't be silly, Twilight! I'd never lie to you," said Pinkie Pie.

I buried my face in my forehooves. "Oh my stars. You can't possibly be serious," I said.

(She was.)

Pinkie says her song's music comes from something called "The Gypsy Bard"? Never heard of it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3ByUWgY41A

If your friendships have gone tragic
And they need a little magic,
Don't you waste your thoughts on logic:
I know something else that fits!

Age and gender, they don't matter
Once you're batty as a hatter!
Cause your heart goes pitter-patter,
When your scruples call it quits!

When I was a little filly, I — — with Maud and it was quite silly.
It brought us together like a family and I knew right away there wasn't anything wrong.
So I learned: while love is fleeting, kindness won't lead to retreating,
Even if they're foals, when you're —— with their —, have no fear if you follow my song!

Don't you have sex for lust only,
Or you'll be forever lonely;
Foals prefer romantic grooming
To a quick roll in the hay.

Give them all your love and caring,
Hear them giggle when you're swearing!
Never force an awkward pairing,
And they'll love it when you play.

When I was a little filly, I — — to Maud and it was quite silly.
It brought us together like a family and I knew right away there wasn't anything wrong.
So I learned: while love is fleeting, kindness won't lead to retreating,
Even if they're foals, when you're —— with their —, have no fear if you follow my song!

Now the moral here is simple:
Though they've got the cutest dimples,
Only touch foals who request it
And they won't feel bad or cry.

If you're doubting what I'm saying,
and your superego's braying;
Let me offer you a taste: you'll see,
It's easy as Pinkie Pie!

Spike and I just stood there, jaws agape, stunned.

"Soooooo... Did you like it?" asked Pinkie Pie, grinning from ear to ear.

It took me a moment to speak. "Pinkie, that was the most illegal song I have ever heard in my life!"

"What? Since when can songs be illegal? That's crazy talk!" she said.

"It can be illegal if it incites ponies to commit a terrible crime! Pinkie, I don't even think writing that down is legal, and for reasons I have yet to fully understand, I think I'm going to write it down in my journal anyway," I said. "I'll probably avoid writing down some of the more explicit bits, at least. But on the mantle of dear sweet Celestia, never sing that song again."

Pinkie Pie pouted. "Aww, shoot. Maybe 'tragic' and 'logic' didn't go together as well as I thought."

"I don't think that's the problem Pinkie," said Spike. "I mean, just for starters, the music is way too cheerful for the horrible imagery."

Pinkie tilted her head. "It's not horrible! Foals and infants are the just cutest, most adorable little..."

"Oh, no. No Pinkie, no. The Cake babies... please don't tell me," I said, my voice cracking. My legs were shaking with some kind of unfamiliar emotion—a very unpleasant one.

"Huh? Oh. OH! No no no no no! Not like that," she said. I noticed Spike exhale with relief. "The only stuff I do with them is soothing them when I put them to bed."

"Pinkie!" I gasped.

"It's not for sex!" she insisted, rearing up defensively. "I mean, a long long time ago, everypony used to do it. It went out of style several hundred years ago, for some reason. I mean, you just rub them down there, and it helps them go to sleep. It's totally not perverted, I swear."

"Well... I guess that's okay?" said Spike, very uncertain. He stepped back a few hooves to withdraw from the active conversation.

"It's bad, Spike," I said. "Pinkie was molested as a foal and she needs significant therapy to see that it was wrong."

"Um, I'm right here, Twilight. I can hear you," said Pinkie Pie, her muzzle scrunched up in temper. "And I don't need therapy to turn something I remember being super-fun into something super-awful."

"Wait, does that mean I need therapy?" asked Spike. "Because that's messed up."

"My Moon, Pinkie," I said under my breath, pretty much at my wits' end. "Okay. I guess... I guess it's not completely horrible, but even if you don't have lingering foalhood trauma, let's agree you've been under a lot of stress with all the terrible stuff that's been going on around us. I don't want to have to pretend you were bitten by the vamponies in order to save your sorry haunches from permanent incarceration," I explained.

In all honesty, that really is my main concern. I love Pinkie Pie, I can't believe any of this is really her fault, and I doubt she's actually hurt anypony with her ridiculous actions (apart from legally). Maybe she does need therapy, but she's not a bad pony. Not the way it looks. She's the last pony I'd ever expect to hurt anypony (other than herself). Even when she loses her temper from a broken Pinkie Promise, it's just an act. (Fluttershy is another story altogether. Classic Fluttershy, I mean.)

Spike reached up and stroked my shoulder. "It's okay, Twilight. Everypony's fine, okay?"

I laughed dryly. "I mean, I'm not even sure how we'd know if Pinkie did become a vampony!"

"Um, Twilight?" she said.

"Yes?"

"We already talked about this. Like, a bunch. Don't you remember...?" said Pinkie Pie.

"I'm pretty damn certain I've never talked to anypony about stroking infant ponies' genitals to put them to sleep, Pinkie. That is, yet again, a conversational first for me."

"No, I mean the other thing."

"What other thing?" I asked.

"The vampony thing! The thing I wanted you to talk to Spike about. You know, why Rarity hasn't attacked me," said Pinkie.

"I don't know why, Pinkie. That's what I wanted to ask you," I said.

"Twilight! We just talked about this three days ago! You already know I'm a darkhoof," she said.

"I don't even know what a darkhoof is, Pinkie!" I shouted, then brought my voice back down. "Sorry. Wait, when did you say we talked about this? I'm missing about a day of memories from yesterday, and I'm not sure what the best way is to get them back yet."

"After you escaped from Big Macintosh," she said. "We talked for like an hour. Well, actually we only talked for about fifteen minutes. We did other things for the rest of the hour," she giggled. "But I still talked the whole time..."

Spike stepped tentatively forward. "Twilight, you didn't mention anything about this to me."

"That's because it didn't happen. I would remember if..." I began, and then it hit me.

I couldn't remember picking up my supplies.

"Wait. This is insane! I remember leaving Cheerilee, and running out to the broken tree, and then," I said, then grabbed the journal and opened it to the entry on the barn. "I wrote right here, 'searching the bush...' but I don't remember searching the bush. I remember getting close to the bush, but not searching it. I wrote it down right here just like it happened but I don't remember it. Why on Equestria don't I remember that?" I asked.

"Um, maybe because you didn't do it?" said Pinkie Pie. "I caught up with you at the bush. Spike left everything there but it was still too obvious so I stood watch until you got back. I was planning to camp out there if I had to. You didn't find your supplies. I handed them to you, including Spike's letter, which was a little dated since we hadn't made the Pinkie-watching-your-stuff plan when he wrote it. But we discussed all that."

I stared down at my hooves, thinking. "You're right, Pinkie. I can't remember meeting you at all, but you have to be right. My mind is a total blank from that point until I was up in the air flying toward Canterlot," I said, "and it's, it's... Sun, it's just terrifying. It's not as disturbing as having a false memory, of course, but I wouldn't have realized the memory wasn't there unless I'd run through the events. A missing hour, totally undetectable without intentional retrospection..." I must have been shaking in my horseshoes (that's only a figure of speech, my hooves were unclad), because Spike leaned against me to steady my balance.

"How is this possible?" Spike asked. "Is someone stealing your memories, Twilight?"

"No, Spike. This is totally different from the missing day. This... Oh Celestia. I did this! I removed my own memories, and I forged the entry to mislead myself about what happened, but I don't know why." I looked from Spike back to Pinkie Pie. "Why would I do this?" I asked her. "Oh no. Pinkie... What is a darkhoof?" The fear was apparent in my voice.

Pinkie Pie giggled. "That's what you call an earth pony vampony, silly!" she said and grinned, revealing razor-sharp fangs as they magically grew downward from her upper teeth.

Spike fainted on the spot.

I, on the other hoof, acted out of instinct. My horn glowed like fire and I pinned Pinkie against the wall with telekinetic magic.

"Twilight! What on Equestria are you doing?" she cried out.

"You're a vampony? And you actually told me this and somehow I was fine with it?!" I said, enraged and confused (not a good combination for me, because they kind of feed off of each other).

"Of course you're okay with it! I mean, were. But probably are, too, because you were back then, so you'd have to be now unless everything changed..." she babbled.

I dropped her to the floor and stepped back. "When did this happen? Oh, Dear Celestia—does Rarity know I'm here? Does my brother?"

"Hay, chillax, okay?" said Pinkie Pie, standing up and dusting her legs off. "Nopony knows you're here. I'm not stupid, Twilight. That's why I use the outfit over there. Well, that, and because it's really fun to wear!" she said with a giggle.

"When did this happen?" I asked, repeating myself, still geared up for a magic assault. Spike came to around this time, and scampered behind me.

"Oh! Well, let's see... add two weeks, carry the one..."

"Pinkie, please."

"Okay okay. Do you remember when it happened to Rarity?" she asked.

"Of course."

"Before that."

"Before Rarity? Holy horseapples," I said. "Pinkie Pie, you were the first vampony besides Fluttershy???"

"No, Big Mac was a vampony a little bit before me, of course. And two of Luna's night guards, according to Shy. But yeah, I was pretty early!" she grinned.

"Aarrrgh! The Herd of Four, Pinkie! You came up with the name!"

"Hay!" Spike said, looking dejected. "I thought it was the Herd of Five."

"This was before then," I explained.

"It's not my fault! You guys just seemed so, into it, y'know? I really didn't want to put a damper on your plans," she said.

"So when were you planning to betray us?" I asked.

"Um, never?"

I had run out of patience. "WELL WHY THE BUCK NOT???" I screamed.

Pinkie rolled her eyes and frowned. "Well, duh! Because I'm your friend, stupid."

That was the final logical straw that broke me. I dropped to a resting position on the hardwood floor, unable to say anything more. Spike comforted me. Apparently I cried a lot. I don't remember crying, but Spike told me about it later and helped me deal with it at the time. I guess it was the bizarre combination of what this might imply. For one, Pinkie Pie might be a true friend even post-infection, though it wasn't clear to me how much she'd been playing both sides. I'm also not certain what all the difference is between Vampony Pinkie Pie and Classic Pinkie Pie, apart from the supernatural features of course. But the thing that really did me in was having access to yet another datum indicating that the vamponies are very much like the rest of us. That makes them much harder to resist, and that's stressful. I need to belong, to be loved, so badly right now. Yielding continues to be a constant temptation, and it's getting harder to remember why I was ever fighting this in the first place.

I needed time to process and bury all of this, so Pinkie Pie made some herbal tea for us, and we sipped it in silence for a while before I could finally speak again.

"Okay," I finally said. "For the time being, I guess we're just going to assume Pinkie's not going to bite us or betray us or anything."

"Unless you want me to!" she cheerfully offered, again flashing those fangs. Wow. It's still really, really unsettling to watch her do that. Why would magical fruit-puncturing teeth ever need to be that sharp? Apples aren't exactly hard to puncture! Spike seems to be handling it better now, at least, but he isn't letting his guard down. (Good.)

I sighed. "Right. Anyway, this is actually an amazing opportunity for us. Pinkie, you probably know things about the vamponies and the Spring Order that I don't, I hope?" I asked.

Pinkie Pie pursed her lips in thought. "Yep! I don't know as much about it as Rarity or Fluttershy, but I know a lot of things," she said. "Like, for one thing, it's the Order of Spring, and it's not a—"

"But why are they working against us, and you're not?" blurted Spike, apparently as eager for knowledge as I was.

"I don't think they're against you exactly," said Pinkie. "It's more like, they didn't realize how stubborn Twilight would end up being, and this led to an enormous mess. I was like, hay, let's be nice to Twilight and let her make her own decisions..."

"But... that means you still want us to join the Order, doesn't it?" I asked nervously.

"Sorta? But first off, it's not something you can join because it isn't a group—" she said.

"Wait, stop. This is confusing," I said, shaking my head. "I need to ask logical questions in a logical order, Pinkie. So everypony pipe down, and let me do the asking. Once I'm all done, you can fill in the holes, if any remain unfilled."

That led to childish laughter from both of them. I had a feeling this would be a very long conversation.

"Alright, let's start from the beginning. Tell us what happened when Fluttershy turned you into a vampony, Pinkie," I said.

"Sure! It was a day or two before the barn party. We were having our weekly FlutterPie Pony Pile..."

"Your... what, now?" asked Spike.

"Oh! We'd been meaning to ask you to come to those Spike, once we finally cleared it with Rarity. It shouldn't be a problem now, though! Anyway, sometimes Fluttershy and I like to cuddle together. Often Rarity, too! Sometimes AJ, even, but not so much Dashie. She gets creeped out way too easy," said Pinkie Pie. "But I've cuddled with her privately, and AJ and Flutters have too. Someday we'll ease her into group snuggles."

"You're all, you're... wait. Is this, like, sex, or something? How come I've never heard of this Pony Pile thing before?" I asked, incredulous.

"Oh, it's not sex. I mean, it can be, but usually it's just cuddles, which are super-duper amazing if you've never had them! It's just friends being all warm and close and together and it's perfect! We were going to invite you too, but we needed to be careful about it because, you know—we didn't want to scare you away. I mean, you remember what you used to be like a week ago, right?" she asked.

I sighed. "Wow. Well, that's just great," I said, heavy on the sarcasm. "I don't know how I'm supposed to assess all the possibilities we're facing if I never even knew my friends in the first place," I said, sniffling a bit. Spike hugged me. Pinkie Pie looked like she really wanted to hug me, but was holding back with all her might.

"Twilight, you do know your friends really well!" Pinkie insisted. "Pony Piles are a lot of fun, but they don't make us different ponies; we're still the same ponies you've always known and loved. Anyway, this time it was just Fluttershy and me in the Pony Pile. And she was being super-duper affectionate this time!" Pinkie grinned. "Apart from all the necking and the rubbing and the preening and the booping, she wanted to know if I could keep a secret, and I'm like, well duh! And then she wanted to know if I'd be willing to add Big Mac to the Pony Pile, and I'm like, well double-duh! And then she asked if I wanted to be a vampony..."

"She asked you if you wanted to be a vampony. Just like that," I said, flatly.

"Um, Twilight? I think Fluttershy has met Pinkie Pie before," said Spike.

"Right. Makes sense," I said, rolling my eyes. "Hold on a moment, I want to write all this down as we go."

We paused for a moment while I wrote everything up to this point in the journal, at which point I will tell (will have told?) Pinkie to continue. Whatever.

"Okay," Pinkie continued. "She asks if I want to be a vampony, and I'm like, well triple-duh! And then she grins and I can see her fangs and they're so super-adorable-cuteastic! But she wants to wait until Mac is with us, so we go see him that night and... well, there's a bunch of details at this point. Do you want all the details? It might take a while."

"Can we skip the, um, sexual descriptions?" I asked.

"Awww, but those are the best parts!" she pouted. "Okay, fine. So the three of us were right there in the barn together, writhing and moaning," she continued.

"Pinkie! Just... please skip to the dialogue, or anything super-bizarre, like vampony stuff," I asked.

"Oh! Okay. Um, let's see. Fluttershy and Big Macintosh pinned me down and while they were doing really wonderful things that would be awesomazing to describe but you don't want details about, they got me really really close to Super Happy Fun Pinkie Pie Explosion Time, and that's when they both bit deep into the that part of your back where it meets your neck on the side while all three of my fun parts were totally occupied and it sent me way over the edge and I exploded like eleventy times in a row! It was soooooo gooood," said Pinkie, drooling a bit out of one side of her muzzle. "And they drank some of my blood, and kissed and licked the wounds, and I drank a little bit of my own blood, and Fluttershy bit me on my tongue too while Big Macintosh went straight for my teats—"

"Okay, I get the idea," I said, wincing. "But after all the sex, and the biting?"

"Well, Fluttershy told me some of the details about the Order of Spring, and she said she wanted to make all of our friends into vamponies which made perfect sense of course," said Pinkie Pie. "They wanted me to look at this brain-scrambling stone thingie too, but we decided to turn Rarity first, so she could make some nice boxes to hold the stone thingies so we could do it more like a big, sexy ceremony which would be way funner."

My face must have blanched at that. "Pinkie, listen carefully, because this is very important. Have you done the brain-scrambling thing?"

Pinkie Pie shook her head. "Nope! Not yet, anyway. I mean, after turning Rarity, I came up with the idea of being a double-agent because she figured you'd be a lot harder to turn, and boy was she right! So I thought that the less magicy stuff I had in my brain, the harder it would be for you to detect something was weird," she explained. "But then I sort-of became a triple-agent, and the others already know I'm keeping some stuff I heard from you in confidence and that I have some way of communicating with you and Spike. So Rarity says I'm not allowed to hear any of the current planning stuff until I do the brain thing. But now that you're back, I can finally do the brain thing!" said Pinkie, grinning excitedly.

"Oh no, Pinkie," said Spike, shaking his head. "Please don't..."

"Pinkie, no!" I said. "The brain thing must be what causes the takeover, or whatever is changing their personalities and allegiances—I mean, it just fits. The vampony stuff weakens your resolve, and then that brain thing makes you into some kind of zombie..."

"Um, Twilight? I hate to tell you this, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't do much," said Pinkie Pie. "Maybe not anything, even! I watched Rarity's conversion and I helped out even and it was super fun and sexy, but it didn't seem to really change anything. She was totally on board before the brain thing."

I facehoofed. "Pinkie, listen to me. According to all available data, you're the only vampony with any sense left in her. Now, maybe not a lot of sense..." I said.

"Well gee thanks, Twilight." Pinkie did not look amused, which is a pretty bad sign for her.

"Okay, sorry. But you have to admit, a song about raping foals—"

"It's not rape!" she exclaimed.

"Okay! A song about sex with foals, or whatever the hell that was, is not socially acceptable! If you sang that in public you could end up in prison! Do you think the Cakes would ever let you work for them again? Pinkie Pie, I'm scared to death I'm going to lose you forever for something stupid, and and in all likelihood not something you intended to be hurtful to anypony... and now you want to let these crazy ponies destroy a part of your brain?!" I sobbed. (Yeah, I was crying again. I really wish I could throw these stupid emotions off a bucking cliff.)

This time Pinkie did hug me, and I hugged her right back. "Please don't let me lose you too, Pinkie," I said. "Please. I wouldn't be able to handle it."

Pinkie pulled back from the hug and looked me right in the eyes. "Twilight. I totally Pinkie Pie Swear that I will always be on your side, cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye," she said.

I took a moment to compose myself. "Look, I believe you, Pinkie. But you think Rarity is on my side. And for all I know, you think my brother is too!" I said. "Saying you're on my side doesn't really mean very much right now."

Pinkie put a hoof over her mouth in a failed attempt to muffle a gasp.

"Sorry, I don't mean it like that. I just mean—how is being on my side any different from what my brother is trying to do to me? It really sounds like you want me to be a vampony just like everypony else, Pinkie," I explained. "Whether you think it's for my own good isn't really the issue."

Pinkie Pie sighed and frowned. "Yes, I think you should be a vampony, Twilight. It's amazingly awesome and fun, and it will really, really help you with all the problems you have with sex," she said. "But I don't think anypony should be forcing you to be a vampony. That's what started this mess in the first place, and I think the others realize that now. You're too powerful, too confused, and too stubborn. Mostly too powerful. I tried to tell our friends it was a bad idea from the very start, but they thought they could make you listen to reason; or failing that, the call of the Order itself."

"Okay. Let's jump right to the big questions. What did Fluttershy tell you about the Order, and what have you learned about it so far?" I asked. "Why is this happening?"

"I don't know much about the Order of Spring because everypony talks about it like it's something mystical and unknowable, like my Pinkie Sense; maybe it's like, a force of Nature or something? Anyway, Fluttershy never told me exactly what happened between her and the nightwings, and now novampony will tell me because I'm still sharing stuff with you," she revealed. "I mean, I know Luna's nightwings are from an old, old time when things were very different in Canterlot, and once they learned Fluttershy had a way to turn ponies into sexier ponies a lot like them, they signed up immediately. At least, two of them did. But that's all I know about them."

"Excuse me," whispered Spike. "Can I ask something?"

"Of course!" said Pinkie Pie.

"I'm guessing you were already like this before you became a, what was it... a darkhoof? I mean, wanting to have sex with everything under Celestia's Sun, and all," he asked, with a remarkably red blush to his cute little cheeks. (Sorry. That isn't meant to be sexy, but Spike is just too adorable even when the world is falling apart, and apparently I can't help noticing it.)

Pinkie pursed her lips in thought. "Hmm. Yep! I think so," she said, and smiled.

"So we still don't really know why Fluttershy and Rarity and Shining Armor and Cadance changed into whatever they are now. I mean, their personalities," said Spike.

"Exactly what I'm wondering," I echoed.

"Oh geez," said Pinkie. "I don't really know! I was just so excited that everypony was getting over their personal problems with sex that I figured maybe it was just really super good luck!" she said. "But isn't being horny all the time enough to make ponies act like that?"

Just then, something clicked.

"Wait a minute. You said Big Macintosh bit you. That means he's a vampony, too?" I asked.

"Sure! He's a darkhoof just like me," she said.

"But... I thought this was something being done specifically to mares. My brother didn't chop his horn off. He was pretty much running the show. Same thing for Big Macintosh... So is it just that with vamponies, stallions have to be in charge, or something? Why?"

"I dunno, Twilight," Pinkie said. "I mean, it just makes a whole lot of sense, doesn't it? We all saw you blush when Flash Sentry grabbed you by the neck," she said, giggling.

And I'm (again) blushing as I write this. Although, I now realize that Flash Sentry may be a vampony, and that's pretty scary. But it's still making me feel really sloppy back there... Eww, gross. I'm sorry, Journal.

I took a moment to, er, adjust myself (eww). "No, Pinkie, it doesn't make sense. Stallions aren't fit to run things, no matter how competent my brother may be. They're constantly... Wait, they're constantly horny; maybe that's it? By weakening mares with sex, they can take our place in governance and—no, that's still really stupid. It still doesn't explain why a stallion would want to run things," I debated out loud.

"Maybe it's a part of their culture?" Spike asked.

"That doesn't explain why Fluttershy and Rarity would suddenly agree to sign up. Ponies don't change cultural values overnight, Spike," I said.

"Ooh! Maybe it's just because it's really fun?" Pinkie offered. (I didn't dignify that one with a response.)

"Well, we still don't know. Bucking daylights, quite literally any vampony other than Pinkie Pie would be able to tell us this!" I said, very frustrated.

Pinkie frowned. "I'm sorry Twilight."

Spike reached out to pet her shoulder. "It's okay, Pinkie. We're not blaming you, it's just an awkward situation. Maybe you could ask Rarity to explain it to you?"

"Not until the brain thing, nope. I asked her once before. The only thing she'll tell me about is all the new fashion accessories, because she can't help but show them off," Pinkie said.

"But why would she cut off her horn? Is it only for sex? That is totally not like Classic Rarity!" I said.

"Classic Rarity?" Spike said, and chuckled. "Sorry. That's kind of funny. It's like she's a side of hay fries or something: she comes in Extra Bitey Rarity, Sex-Crazed Rarity, or Classic type. Heh, I know which one I'd like..."

"Spike!"

"Um, er, I mean, any of them?" he said with a sheepish grin. "I mean, this is still Rarity we're talking about here, cut me some slack Twilight."

"Twilight, that part's okay! Her horn's back," Pinkie Pie revealed.

"WHAT???" I shouted, surprising both of my friends.

"Um, her horn? You know, the one on her forehead? It's back there again, good as new!" said Pinkie.

"Horns don't grow back overnight, Pinkie—although, that would explain people here in Ponyville not thinking she was crazy at the meeting..." I said, beginning to ponder the possibility.

"She had it at the meeting, yep. She didn't have it when she showed up in town before the meeting, but I think only I noticed. Also, it's a little less shiny than normal, but that's probably because she hasn't been hitting the spa..."

"I'll bet you anything it's a fake," said Spike. "Rarity has the fashion know-how to pull it off. Er, to put it on, I mean. Well, probably both."

"Horse apples! They're going for deep cover. Nopony knows about Rarity's horn, Cheerilee is teaching again, and she probably has an excuse for her teats..." I said.

"Oh! Oh! But she's not foaling—" Pinkie started.

"Pinkie, I already told her the joke," groaned Spike.

"Awww! But did she laugh?"

"Heh, yeah. She actually did a little," he admitted.

"Yessss!" said Pinkie, with a hoof-pump. I almost laughed again, but held it back.

"ANYway, we're in a bit of a bind now. We can pump Pinkie for information..."

"Woohoo!" exclaimed Pinkie. Spike rolled his eyes.

"...but the information Pinkie has is pretty limited. We don't know much about what becoming a vampony does to you, because Pinkie was always, um, let's just say colorful."

"Yeah, I get that a lot," she admitted.

"Meanwhile, Celestia has essentially ordered me to keep my mouth shut until I hear back from her, so the game just got a lot more political in nature," I said. "You know, I'm almost tempted to announce my arrival back in town and tell everypony I'm feeling better from however crazy she told them I'd been acting. I could probably keep myself safe if I have an alarm spell up at all times."

"I don't know Twilight," said Spike, nervously. "I reeeeeally think keeping our hoof hidden is a good idea for now."

"I agree, Spike. But eventually it will be an option," I replied. "For right now we'll lay low, since I still have a bunch of stuff I need to do in the library. I need to find a way to recover the missing memories from yesterday, and maybe Pinkie can tell me what happened the time I blanked my own memory—which I'm still not sure why I did. But first and foremost, I need to work that spell into a total cure, and one that works on other ponies as well as myself."

"That wouldn't be very nice, Twilight," said a frowning Pinkie Pie. "I mean, if we like being vamponies, and all."

"Okay, fine! You can be a vampony, Pinkie, but we need this situation under control. Anything that returns my friends to their senses is at the top of the option list. And I need to cure myself of this thing, first and foremost," I explained.

"Why?" asked Pinkie, cocking her head curiously to one side.

"Because..." I said, then paused. "Wait. Pinkie, what happens once you become a vampony, like, all the way? Is it different? I have to imagine the sex cravings drop down again, because they're driving me mad right now—nopony could possibly deal with this constantly," I reasoned.

"A little, but not that much! I'm constantly horny, but I was always pretty horny before. Not as much as a stallion. Maybe I'm on par with being a stallion now, though?" she said.

"Pinkie Pie," I said with a chuckle, "there is NO way it could be this bad for stallions."

"If you say so Twilight, but I don't think it gets much easier after you become a vampony all the way. In some ways it's actually harder, unless you block the strong transformations," she explained.

"You mean when your, um, your fangs come out, it's harder?" I asked.

Pinkie shook her head. "Oh, no! I mean, the simple transformations make things harder too, I guess. Because all your senses improve a whole bunch, especially your sense of smell. Transforming makes them stronger, but they're always really good. I mean, I can tell how horny you and Spike are right now, and even what you ate two days ago!" she bragged. "And I can hear your sexy heartbeats, too."

Yeah, I'm pretty sure mine just skipped one.

"But," she continued, "there's a lot more to it than the ears and the fur and the fangs and the senses. I want to show you, but, I figured we should wait until you've recovered a lot because it's pretty freaky. I mean, even I think it's freaky."

"Just tell me," I said, trying to hide my fear. ('Pretty freaky' is not something I ever wanted to hear come out of Pinkie Pie's mouth.)

"Well, you've seen a nightwing's wings, right? And bloodhorn ponies like Rarity—oh! We all met a bloodhorn pony once Twi! You know, that nasty Sombrero guy!" she smiled.

"Wait, are you telling me King Sombra was a vampony?!"

"Sure was! A unicorn vampony gets that deep red glowy color to their horn, and it curves out like a big, smooth flugelhorn!" she told us. "Actually, that one's kind of neat more than scary, but it also sharpens a lot faster so you need to file it down a little more often."

"Um," Spike interjected, "Pinkie, was Nightmare Moon a vampony too?"

"Great question, Spike!" I said, rubbing him on the top of his head.

"No, I don't think so. She was more a manifestation of that nasty moon cloud thingie, and I think it just gave her fangs and stuff to look scary. A real voidmare probably looks like a combination of all three, though Cadance is technically only a nightblood..."

"Pinkie, I honestly want to know, even if it's freaky. What happens when a darkhoof transforms? Will you show us?" I asked.

Pinkie Pie looked nervous. "Guys, I really think we should save that until later. Besides, I haven't told you anything about what Twilight forgot, and it's kind of important!"

I shrugged expectantly.

"Wait right here!" she said, and ran upstairs.

"What do you suppose that's about?" asked Spike.

"Ugh. I feel like I'm making a deal with Discord," I complained.

"I heard that!" Pinkie Pie chastised me from upstairs. (Great. With her super senses, now I can't hide anything from her.)

A few seconds later, a huge mess of pillows and blankets tumbled down the stairs with Pinkie Pie riding them. She quickly arranged them into a pile near our feet, threw Spike into the pile, and pulled me down into it with her.

"Pinkie, what are you doing?" Spike asked.

"Pony Pile!" She smiled merrily, clearly quite pleased with herself.

"Pinkie, this is not the time—" I said, blushing. I was already feeling something strange and worrisome.

"No, Twilight. This IS the time. You need to relax, and like I said, you need to remember what happened. Since you can't remember, we have to make the memories again! A Pony Pile is the most comfortable way to do it," she said. "So put your silly book down that you keep writing words in... wait, you're writing what I'm saying right now aren't you?" she accused with a peeved look on her muzzle.

"Maybe," I said, and I wrote this sentence in my journal. (Like I'm going to apologize for being thorough!)

"Put it down and I'll teach you both something new. Okay?" she asked.

I'm putting it down, but I don't like it. I'll continue this entry below as soon as Pinkie lets me back up.