So we all know by now that I'm sweet on the Element of Kindness. Right?

Oh, is that all, Discord? I thought you were merely recounting how you felt about the intricacies of Fluttershy doing her tax returns. Yeah, I get it. I'm about as subtle as a freight train on fire.  You win.

I bet someone out there is laughing. I bet you are laughing. So am I, you know, but probably not for the same reasons. It just feels like someone is playing a cruel joke on me. You see, I'm chaos. Chaos isn't about kindness. It isn't really explicitly about anything. If it can be said to be about anything, it's about change. It doesn't stay put and neither do I.

Kindness on the other hand--kindness is steady. It's soft and gentle and welcoming.

I'm a crashing destructive wave, and she is a cool stream. A cool stream that nutures everything around it in a delicate balance.

So someone must be laughing at me, because I can't ever meet the cool stream and feel its nuturing solace without destroying it completely and carrying it away with me.

But I want it so very, very badly.

Why me?

Enough handwringing. I suppose I should get back on track.

Anugypt has gone through so many changes.

When I first decided to roll into town, the jackals were in power. During this time Anubis ruled with an iron...er...paw, I suppose.

He was a total stick-in-the-mud. Then he stole the sunlight. You'd think this would have plunged everything into chaos, but it didn't. It was insufferably boring. No one wanted to play at night, everyone stayed locked in their homes. There was no one around to mess with.

So it was inevitable that I would side with the opposition.

Baast plunged Anugypt into all out riot and war. It was so much more interesting than people hiding in their homes. And best of all it made Anubis angry.

"I've not seen this much chaos since the last Ice Age," I said to her.

In the midst of the mayhem and scuffle she grabbed my head and kissed me full on the lips.

Baast then waved her tail under my chin in a very specific manner and invited me into her bed.

I was of course a total gentlecolt and refused. "Baast," I said while patting her paw in a completely chaste manner. "I don't think this is appropriate at this very moment and I wouldn't want you to get involved with someone who might not give off the best impression as consort to a ruling queen." Then I turned around and went to practice crochet in the comfort of my own home.

Just kidding. We went at it for weeks. Oh darlings, you have no idea.  I guess the idea of all the mayhem we were causing around us was something of an aphrodisiac. I would be a total filthy liar if I said I didn't enjoy it. The filth, I mean.

Until she got clingy. She wanted me to be her King. I'm telling the truth when I say I had no idea she had deeper feelings for me. If I had, then of course I still would have slept with her, but I would have pointed out that I didn't want anything more from the outset. I may be Randy Pan the Goatboy, but at least I'm ethical Randy Pan the Goatboy. Yes, you read that correctly. Even I have ethics--yet another thing most people find shocking because they're so determined to write me off as a complete soulless monster.

Anyway, I left Baast one night while she was asleep. Yeah, I did the Walk of Shame. Actually it was more like the Slither of Shame, where I moved along the ground to escape the notice of any of her fellow cats, but you get my meaning.

It wasn't just that I didn't feel the same way about her, it was the idea that anyone might try to control me and we all know how I feel about that. There was no way I was going to become her King by marrying into a royal contract.

But if it weren't for the war I started with Baast the place would probably all be inbred jackals by now. Rather ironic that it took our destruction for things to settle into what is now modern Anugypt.

The current rulers were a jackal and cat--Ophios and Sechmis respectively. Yup, somehow through all that kerfuffle, some of the jackals and cats realized they had a thing for each other, and there were secret trysts on both sides. Sometimes people were caught and punished for it. I for one, was rooting for the secret rumpy pumpy, not least because it pissed Anubis off so much.

Eventually ponies moved into Anugypt, as they so often do everywhere.

I wonder how some of Celestia's subjects would feel about knowing both a cat and dog ruled together. Not that Celestia cares about that kind of thing, but some ponies are stuck in their narrow-minded ways. The old pony/dragon thing is still taboo. Needless to say, so is the pony/draconequus thing.

And yes, if Celestia had asked me back then I totally would have, but she was too busy encasing me in stone for that to happen. It's kind of hard to engage in a bit of the old how's-yer-father when you're a statue anyway. Also when the object of your desire is actually trying to stop you from being chaotic. It's something of a mood killer.

So yes, Ophios and Sechmis ruled modern day Anugypt now, which was a much more peaceful (but boring) place. The extra diversity was about the only interesting thing about it.

We stood outside the throne room waiting for the guards to let us in.

Twilight looked visibly nervous.

"There's hope for you yet, Sparklepants," I said.

"What do you mean?"

"You're nervous. You're still not used to the formality of royalty. Which means you haven't yet had your soul destroyed by bureaucratic boredom. Not yet anyway." I flashed a toothy smile at her.

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"Good, it was meant as one, and I'm not in the habit of giving them out, so treasure it always."

She looked sternly at me. "Please be on your best behaviour, Discord. Whatever that is."

I put my paw on my heart and raised my eagle talon.

"You may enter," announced the guard.

Ophios rose from his throne, "Princess Twilight Sparkle," he began, "once again we are honoured that..."

His eyes fell on me.

"What is he doing here? You did not tell me that Set was with you!" he roared.

Oh, right.

"Set?" said the ponies and Spike in unison.

"The one who causes disorder! It all makes sense now! The storms are definitely his doing! He can take on many forms. The Buffalo call him Coyote and my brethren in Central and South Amarerica call him "Huehuecoyotl", but he is not a dog," snarled Ophios as if this was some kind of insult. "Who knows what he is, and you brought him here!"

Sechmis put her paw on her husband's arm. "My ancestors have said he is a force for good. He brought change to Anugypt."

"He caused an outright war!" continued Ophios.

"Your Majesty," said Twilight. "We ran into Discord by chance. He is a friend to us. I promise you this isn't his doing. He would...have a bit more flair when it comes to these things. That war was thousands of years ago. We need to focus on now."

"How can you possibly trust SET?" said Ophios.

"Let's not get personal," I said, holding up my paw and claw. "You want to stop the weather from going nuts. We're here to do that. Or rather, they are. And I have no plans to stop them, but I think we need to speak to Mother Nature about this before we do anything...er...rash."

Everyone blinked at me in silence. I sighed.

"Look," I said, a bit more impatiently. "I can talk to her. There's a site about 30 miles from here where there is raw magic. If I can get there I'll ask her what's going on, in fact I can go now..."

"None of you are going anywhere unless one of you accompanies this miscreant to make sure he's actually telling the truth," snarled Ophios.

"Fine. Whatever." I said.

"Perhaps the Blue One will be of use. She seems strong and a fast flier."

"No, she's a pegasus," I said. "Nature doesn't like pegasi."

Wait. Pegasi. Pegasus.

"Fluttershy!" I shouted, causing her to jump a little.

"What?" asked the High Jackal, gesturing for me to elaborate.

"Fluttershy can speak to Nature."

"But you just said Nature doesn't like pegasi."

"She doesn't. But Fluttershy is different; she actually is in tune with Nature. She cares for it. She chose to live on the ground."

"That doesn't seem very...natural," sniffed Sechmis.

Ah, the old mistake people love to make. They think Nature is a constant line, when she really isn't. She's more an endlessly repeating pattern that slowly changes into another endlessly repeating pattern. For instance, someone will say "it's not natural" when something odd happens. In reality, very few things aren't natural.  There are exceptions. For example, taking someone by force or killing for reasons other than food. But that crap gets weeded out fast by Nature. It's not in Nature's interest to have a stressed out and terrified mate or for everyone to indiscriminately kill each other.

"That's not really for you to say, is it?" I said.

"Don't speak so insolently to my wife!"

I could see Twilight facehoofing next to me. I grinned.

"Or perhaps," I said, examining my eagle claws."She likes that kind of thing. After all, she doesn't get it too often, do you old girl? Ophios tends to reserve that kind of kinky talk for the ladies down in the Blue Neighle region."

Ophios looked pale.

"By the way," I said, getting out a claw file and going to work on my talons. "I was just telling the girls down at the brothel that they really should charge more for royalty. Especially since he doesn't like having concubines about. Heck, maybe you should just let them live at the temple. It would be much more...convenient." I purred the last word.

"Enough!" shouted the flustered High Jackal. "Fine, you will leave at sunrise and take the pegasus with you. Now get out of my sight before I change my mind."

I watched Sechmis dig her claws into the High Jackal's arm. "We'll discuss this later," she hissed at him.

Hypocrite, I thought. She had her share of lovers too, some of them cats.

The truth was, both of them knew and neither of them really cared, but what they DID care about was other people knowing. They wanted to save face. I told you, I know Royals, and they're almost invariably conservative hypocrites. Lay your dirt out there for all to see and I will have much more respect for you.

Celestia was smart not to marry into some deal. She kept her agency and her lovers. What? You think the Princess of the Sun doesn't have any? Of course, that's what people would love to think, that she rots away in a corner for her subjects and never enjoys life, but it simply isn't true. Luna could stand to get out more though. Maybe living in the moon for a thousand years gives you trust issues.

I bowed dramatically at the rulers. "Thank you, my Leige. I'll be sure to tell the girls down at the..."

Twilight was already dragging me out by the ear.

"Well THAT could have gone miles better!" she snapped at me as soon as we were out of earshot.

"What are you complaining about? We got what we wanted."

"It's not in our interest to have strained relations with other kingdoms."

I snickered.

"What's so funny?"

"Ophios is definitely having "strained relations."

"Discord!"

"Excuse me, Princess," came a voice from from down the hallway. "If you'd be so kind to let me escort you and your friends back to your quarters. Ophios has requested that no one wander around after sundown and it is nearly evening."

"Of course," said Twilight. We followed the jackal servant.

"How do you deal with stuffed shirts all day long?" I mouthed at Twilight as we followed the servant.

We passed many hieroglyphs on the walls.

Horus the falcon-headed, Thoth the Ibis god of wisdom and then a goddess that looked like a strange, amorphous blob.

I whistled. "She's a cutie."

Twilight punched me in the arm.

"Ah, that is Iset, the goddess of things that came before...what you call "Nature"."

Holy Oedipus Complex.

"Oh," I said. "Well she doesn't quite look like that."

As we turned to go back to our quarters I hung back and caught a glimpse of Fluttershy standing in the sunlight, looking at the view across Anugypt.

"It wasn't always this peaceful," I said as I approached her.

"I remember our little time-travelling trip," she said, smiling.

I thought of Baast and tried changing the subject. "So, you okay, then? About this trip."

"I think so. I'm a little nervous of course."

I sat on the steps of the temple and patted the stone next to me. Fluttershy sat down.

"Do you really think I can speak to Nature?" said Fluttershy.

"I think you already do, in your own way. Look at how many animals you care for."

"I lost a foal. That's hardly natural," she said so bluntly it shocked even me. I realized Sechmis' words had gotten to her.

"Fluttershy, as hard as it is to accept, it was natural. That kind of thing happens to mares sometimes. It doesn't make you bad or wrong or a freak. Not that I have anything against freaks," I said, waggling my eyebrows.

But she didn't smile.

"Pine says it wasn't natural." I could see the waterworks brimming in her eyes. Oh, heck.

I took her delicate hoof in my paw and talon.

"He was wrong," I growled. "As are those silly fertility cults you've probably read about. Nature isn't all about baby-making. You're not less of a mare because of it."

And if Pine was here right now I'd probably make sure he couldn't have any babies either.

The ferocity of the thought took me by surprise. I'm not actually a violent person. I'm a destructive person, but not violent. I prefer to be creative with my approach to messing with people. But right now, I wanted to sink my fang into Fluttershy's ex-mate's face for making her feel like she was defective.

"Don't cry, Flutters," I said as she buried her face in my chest feathers. "I know you're going to anyway, but Pine isn't worth it. No one is, to be honest. If you're gonna cry, cry for yourself. Not for a stallion who is clearly off his rocker for leaving you. Besides, if you get my feathers wet I'll have to preen them and that'll take hours."

She looked up at me, her face wet, but she was smiling at the self-deprecating joke, and the obvious hyperbole. I could easily snap my fingers and sort my feathers out.

"Don't worry about Nature," I continued. "I'm sure she's going to love you."

Her face was so close to mine. I pushed an errant lock of her mane behind her ear.

All you have to do is lean forward. All you have to do is lean forward and tilt her face a little and kiss her on the lips.

And drown.

I pulled back gently and cleared my throat.

"So, don't worry Flutters, eh?" I said brightly. "Maybe we should all get some dinner, get refreshed and prepare for tomorrow."

"Okay," she said. "Thank you, Discord."

"Anytime," I said.

I turned before I went back to my quarters to look at her. The light glinted off her mane and tail. I leaned against the wall and sighed.  My paw detached and slapped my face.

Get a hold of yourself, I thought. There's no time for behaving like a silly schoolcolt. That was a close one. Get a grip.

I reattached my paw and headed back to my room.

Late that afternoon we experienced our first dust storm.

The dust was so thick it blocked out the sunlight.

"I've seen something like this before," I said. "In Horsestralia."

I had put up an invisible force field at the open walls in our rooms. Spike and I stood together watching the storm through it. The others were eating dinner.

"Was it this intense?"

"Pretty much. It wiped out a town. Luckily stone is a lot tougher than wood and zinc."

"So why aren't you eating dinner with Miss Fashionista?" I asked.

"I...well. I. Want to...talk."

I snapped my fingers and two cold beers materialized. I opened them with my fang.

"Thanks," said Spike as he took the bottle.

"So", I said floating in mid air with my lizard leg draped over my goat one. "You want a dragon-to-draconequus talk eh? Being around too many mares making you go potty?"

He grinned. "If that was the case I would have gone potty ages ago."

"True, true", I said, floating on my back and knocking back my beer.

He hesitated, and stared at his beer instead of drinking it. Then he said "Why are there people who think the idea of Rarity and I together isn't natural?"

I laughed at him, perhaps a bit too loudly.

"Not you too!" he cried. "Why does everyone think it's wrong...why..."

I slammed my paw over his mouth to shut up him and continued giggling.

"Spike, look at me. Do you really think I care about whether or not people are into some inter-species loving?"

"Oh..." said Spike as I removed my paw and he grinned. "I guess not. Have you ever loved a pony?"

"I've loved many things Spike." For some reason I thought of the comet as I said this.

"And you didn't care what anypony thought of you?"

"Why should I? Why should anyone? If you care about her why should the opinions of a bunch of asses with sticks up their asses matter?"

"They...don't matter. But I'm worried that it might affect Rarity's reputation".

I looked at the young drake.

"Hey, Spike. If I tell you something, do you promise not to tell anyone else? Because I'm just saying, if you do, I might boil you like a lobster and feed you to the Neighle crocs."

He looked startled.

"Do I really want to know?"

It was more that I wanted to tell someone. Someone who might understand. Not because Spike was in love with a different species than himself, but because he was worried that doing so would mean bad things for Rarity.

"You might. But you mustn't tell anyone. Not even Twilight. Definitely not Rarity, it'll be all over Anugypt by sundown."

"Geeze, what is it? Are you dying?"

I laughed. "Oh, Spike. You truly don't get it, do you? I can't die. Either that or I'm very difficult to kill. I must have "perished" 250 different ways by now and I keep coming back."

"So, if you're not dying, why the secrecy?"

I held my breath and stared across the table at him.

"Let's just say you aren't the only one who is worried their reputation might sully someone else's."

There. That was vague enough. I really didn't think I could point blank say how I felt about Fluttershy. He'd have to figure that part out on his own. Then I wouldn't have to say it.

"You have feelings for a pony?"

Bingo. Also relief for not being too specific.

"You're in love with Fluttershy?"

I jumped a mile at the sound of Twilight's voice, and it was only by looking down at her and Spike from the ceiling that I realized I had leapt up there and sank all three sets of claws into the underside of the roof.

"Don't you know what knocking is?" I shouted from my upside-down perch.

"There are no doors in this place, Discord."

"Then maybe I should put some up!"

Twilight furrowed her brow at me and I let go of the ceiling with my forelimbs and hung there like a giant bat.

"So are you?"

"Am I what?" I said, folding my arms.

"Don't dodge the question. Do you have feelings for Fluttershy?"

"Keep your voice down!" I snapped.

"Well that answers that question," said Spike.

"I don't understand," said Twilight. "You left because you have feelings for her? That doesn't make any sense."

"I think he didn't want to sully her reputation," said Spike in what I'm sure he thought was a tactful manner.

"You make me sound like an uncouth tramp!" I shouted.

"No need to get hysterical, Discord," said Twilight. "I'm not going to tell Fluttershy about this. You'll have to do it yourself."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said firmly in retaliation, now floating upside down.

Twilight rolled her eyes at me. "It's so obvious who you're talking about.

"You think you can psychoanalyze me, Sparkle," I said, quickly materializing on the psychiatrist's couch that had suddenly appeared. Then I grabbed her face and pulled her head close. "She can't ever know."

"I told you, I'm not going to tell her. Geeze!" said Twilight, looking annoyed. I let go of her head and sat on the couch.

"That goes for you too, Spikey Wikey," I said in Rarity's voice, batting my eyelashes.

"Ack! It's creepy when you do that."

"I know," I said, smirking. "So not a word about it to anyone or I might wake up next to you one night batting my eyelashes."

"Discord! Enough!" said Twilight. "We're not going to tell anyone."

"Good enough," I said. "Oh, look at the time, I said taking a sundial out of my pocket, which didn't work in the dim light. "I'm awfully tired and I have a long day of walking through a dust storm tomorrow, so I think I'll turn in." I looked pointedly at them both.

Twilight sighed. "Come on, Spike. There's still some dinner left," she said.

I curled up on my round cushion and watched the dust rush past outside through the invisible barrier. I thought of the sunlight glinting off Fluttershy's mane and tail today and promptly felt like slapping myself. I couldn't be thinking about that now.

But I did.

She was bathing in the stream. Like a bird, she fluffed up her feathers and used the water to preen. I watched every curve and counter of her body as the water poured over it and trickled down her coat. I felt like a dirty old goat, which I suppose I partly am.

"Aren't you going to help me?" she whispered in a tone of voice that made me shiver with want.

Well, hell yes. I was there by her side in an instant, and I found myself actually trembling with anticipation as she unfurled her wings for me. I started smoothing back her wet feathers. Then I felt her back up against me and I moaned as I felt her soft tail underneath me. I looked down at her into her eyes.

"I want you," she said simply.

That was all I needed to hear. Suddenly I was kissing, licking and nibbling my way around her neck, her ears her back; my paw and talon exploring her body, then my lips found hers and we kissed and she pulled me down with her onto the riverbank.

I was woken up by an unusually strong gust of wind against the wall.

"You know, Mother Nature, this is getting ridiculous," I said out loud. Though I wasn't sure if I was referring to the weather or the dreams.

I growled in frustration.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't secretly hoping she'd crawl back into my bed again. It wasn't specifically that I wanted to,or was foolish enough to kid myself that I'd get lucky. I wouldn't have said no to that, mind you. (Oh ho ho ho, lord no.) Indeed, if she had wanted me I doubt I could have said no to the offer. But, it was more that being held by her, being in her presence, made me feel...do I dare say it? Safe.

Safe from what? I'm not really sure. I just knew that having her curl up against me in the dark that night made me the happiest I'd been in years. Of course my body wanted Fluttershy as well, but, how can I put this without it being a tad embarrassing? Horsefeathers. I can't. The fact that she felt safe and nice meant I wanted to be with her, but also bathe in her lovely stream. I wanted closeness, intimacy and I wanted to feel safe, whether it was curling up against her in her arms or making love to her. She would never hurt me. She would never hurt me.

You know too much now. I may have to have you taken down.

Nothing to see here, move along.

It's all a moot point anyway though, isn't it?

She doesn't feel for me the way I do for her. The idea that Flutters would even want me romantically or sexually is a pipe dream. So I decided, once I had curled back up on my cushion, that once this was all sorted, once we solved the weather problem and the ponies could go back home, that I wouldn't be going with them.

Oh, I want to. But I won't. I will slither away like I did with Baast. Except this time I won't hurt anyone. The lovely stream would go on without me. I would not cause a scene like I did with Xolotl.

I was equally confused by the feelings I kept getting from Mother Nature. I couldn't make head nor tail of the strong waves pushing against my senses every hour or so. It felt almost painful. What did she want? It wasn't like I'd held back on my chaos. I'd spent quite a bit of time turning the inside of the rooms we were staying in various colours and patterns. At one point I turned them (literally) upside down until Twilight yelled at me to stop.

I had no idea what was happening to me.

The next morning came too soon. Fluttershy hugged everyone goodbye and we set off.

"How are we going to get through all that dust?" said Fluttershy.

I snapped my fingers and created a bubble around us.

"Ready?" I said.

She took a deep breath. "Ready."

The dust blocked out the sun, and we were surrounded by darkness on all sides, except for the clear, lit windless pocket I had created around us as we walked. It seemed tolerable enough at first, but I think the strange howling noises the wind made started to get to my walking companion.

Fluttershy was trembling. "C-can't we just teleport there?" she asked.

"I'm afraid not. I don't know how nature is going to react to our request," I said. "Bear this in mind. We can't tell nature to do anything, we can only suggest it. No one can tell her what to do. She's stubborn that way."

Like mother like son, I thought.

"It's just...it's really dark and I don't know if there's anything on either side of us...watching us."

She froze in position and was shaking like a leaf.

"Fluttershy, come on," I said, gently. "You're braver than this. You know you are. You wrestle BEARS for Celestia's sake. You made a dragon cry."

She whimpered. Clearly sharp fanged bears were less scary than the unknown. I crouched down on all fours with her.

"Fluttershy?"

She was frozen in position, her knees knocking together.

"I won't let anything hurt you," I said, pressing my forehead to hers, my ears lowering. She relaxed a little.

"And I won't let anything hurt you," she said.  

Unfortunately, however, Fluttershy was right. We were being watched.

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