Summers in St. Louis suck. Seriously. Not only does the temperature skyrocket, making the afternoons feel like the people’s own personal hell, but it can get really humid as well. When combined with the unrelenting heat, it creates a phenomenon commonly dubbed as the ‘hot pot’ that can suck the life out anyone unlucky enough to be caught in its wake. It’s not a pleasant experience. Not only do you sweat buckets, but the air itself is stifling and no matter how many breaths you take, or how deep they are, you just can’t shake that god-awful sensation of being suffocated. It gets slightly better in the nights, but only to the point that it’s just below tolerable. At the very least people have the options to go back to their air-conditioned homes.

Ah, air conditioning, how I miss thee. Truly it stands as one of humankind’s greatest inventions. Wanna beat the heat? Simply close all doors, shut all the blinds and plunge that number on the thermostat-- have yourself a little Christmas in July. Freezing cold outside? Turn the thing all the way up to a hundred, set up a couple of humidifiers and create your own personal sauna.

Expensive? Probably, but it’s nice to have options. Options, yes… that’s not something I currently had at the moment as I trudged blindly and desperately through this godforsaken forest, trying not to scream in aggravation or desperation. All I wanted was to go home, play my video game, go to sleep and wake up tomorrow to find an unproductive way to waste the day. Was that too much to ask?

Apparently so. I recalled that old, greasy asshole who accosted me. This was all his fault, he did this to me, and for what? Not that it mattered at the moment. My mind ran with various scenarios about what possible retribution I might unleash on his sorry ass should I ever see him again, and let me tell you, they were not pretty. Pointless? Probably, but it did make feel just a bit better. It helped take my mind off the lessened hot pot feeling that permeated this godforsaken forest.

I'd been trudging blindly for who knows how long, trying to find my way back to the village with the little mutants. No such luck. Practically every inch of the damned forest looked to be the same. Rocks, ferns, bushes and trees. Maybe the odd flower or stream. It certainly didn't help my mood that, after what felt like hours of walking, my whole body was now drenched in sweat and various dirt patches littered my clothes as well, the result of various damned roots tripping me. Stupid darkness...

If that wasn't bad enough, my nerves were all the more frayed by the noises that seemed to come from everywhere around me. There was the pitter patter of creatures scurrying around the dark, rustling of bushes. Even the wind itself made terrifying screams and moans as it swept across the seemingly neverending forest. Worst of all were the sounds of predators. Howling wolves; roars and snarls that reverberated in my stomach, not unlike those of a lion. The ones that really freaked me out were a series of animal noises that were a strange mixture of whoops and yelps, high pitched and every time I heard them the hairs on the back of my neck would stand up and a chilly bullet of paralyzing fear would shoot up my spine.

It got so bad that during one point, when I opted to rest, crouching near some bushes and making myself as small and unobtrusive as possible, a small bird darted out of the shrubbery, frantically chirping and darting well out of sight. Normally this wouldn't be cause for alarm, but by that point my nerves were so stressed that I couldn't help but let out an earsplitting shriek of terror before bolting from my position and mindlessly heading deeper into the gaping maw of the forest. Looking back on it, I do feel kinda silly. Well, eventually the stifling heat of the forest and lack of breath forced me to stop, hands on my knees and gasping for air.

I'm gonna... kill... that greasy... asshole!

My blood boiled, and with an aggravated snarl, I backhanded a nearby tree with so much force that it completely broke and fell, the ensuing crash being nearly deafening to my ears. I stood blankly for a moment, gazing stupidly at the felled tree and barked out a harsh, humorless laugh.

Of course. I’d totally forgotten about my body’s new features. Well, I couldn’t really be blamed, right? There I was, a sixteen year old girl, suddenly plucked from her world and in one dominated by fluffy little mutant freaks, where my kind were animals and on top of that, now exiled to a cliche’d forest, right out of a Disney movie. Anybody would freak.

It helped ease my nerves and calm me down, but then I was faced with a new conundrum, namely, what the hell do I do now? Find a way back home? Definitely, that was at the top of the list. How to do that, well… that was a slightly trickier dilemma. I mean, I’d no idea by which means that geezer sent me here. Whatever the case, whatever I had planned or would plan, there was one single thing I’d need to accomplish before even contemplating world-crossing scenarios, and that was to find a way out of this forest.

And how? Just pick a random direction and hope it leads to what passes for civilization?

Hmm, that might be more difficult than I thought. I’d been turned around every which way since entering the woods, so my sense of direction was for shit. And… it was dark. Like, really dark. Probably not the best idea to go trudging blindly and lose myself even more, no. Better wait for daylight.

Well, it was a plan, at least. Find shelter, find somewhere to safely spend the night. Safety being the key word. Ugh, and maybe find some water and soon. I was parched, and I mean parched. And why the hell am I still wearing this thing? I pulled my hoodie off and I couldn’t help but notice it was discolored from moisture… sweat, and my plain black undershirt stuck to my body. I’d never wanted a shower so badly in my life.

No, a bath. Hell, make it a bubble bath. Maybe with some scented soaps and candles.

It was my secret shame, but again, looking back on it, I was being silly. I’d never been a girly type of girl. I preferred shorts and jeans where other girls flocked to dresses and skirts. Hell, I don’t think I’d owned a pink piece of clothing since I was nine. The whole fru-fru schtick just wasn’t for me. Still, there was just that one single image I couldn’t shake. Me, lying inside a massive, ivory-white bathtub; mood lighting, some scented candles, soothing background music, my trusty DS and a cold glass of iced coffee and a couple of deep fried Twinkies at arm’s reach.

Mmmm...

My pleasant escapist fantasies were ground to a halt as the shrubbery not ten feet from me moved and rustled. My breath hitched and I immediately stood, heart hammering and palms sweating as I stood there, frozen in fear and awaiting whatever monster would crawl out to try and make a meal of me.

I inhaled sharply as it came out, fully revealing itself and… it just barely reached above my knees.

I deflated like a balloon as I took in the thing’s strange appearance, much less terrified but wary nonetheless. Head and feet of a common chicken welded to a lizard-like body with leathery bat-like wings. It glared up at me with red eyes and let out a chickenish squawk.

“Well, you’re a fucked up little thing,” I mumbled numbly, a part of me still trying to process the whole ordeal. It didn’t look dangerous, and it looked light enough for me to kick it a good distance away should it try to come near.

I merely waited. For what, I do not know, and as the seconds ticked away, the thing seemed to glare at me even more intensely. Huh, is it trying to drive me out of its territory or something? Maybe it had a nest nearby and I was trespassing. Whatever the case, it kept on looking at me, its eyes never wavering from mine and I couldn’t help but feel my legs start to grow numb and stiff. I decided this was as good a time as any to move on and get away from the creepy little monster, only… my legs seemed strangely unresponsive.

I glanced down and nearly had a stroke as I realized my entire lower half was now colored a drab, uniform grey and as hard and unfeeling as stone. What nearly sent me over the edge was the fact the grey coloring was slowly but steadily crawling higher and higher, hardening me and turning more of my flesh to stone with every passing second.

Needless to say, I did not take this very well. I shrieked and cursed, half-spitting, and frantically swatted my hands at the ever growing grey coloration as if hoping to impede its progress. Surprise, surprise, it didn’t work. I was hyperventilating by this point, and I looked around, hoping to see something or someway I could save myself. My eyes landed on the lizard/chicken thing and I froze, by my own accord this time. I don’t know how and I don’t know why, but I realized this thing was responsible for trying to turn me into a statue.

The fear was there, but along with it, a wave of fury welled up in my stomach. My every instinct screamed at me to kill this thing before it could finish the job. With a battle cry, I lunged forward, or, tried anyway. The whole me-being-turned-to-stone-up-to-my-navel thing kinda made it hard to move from where I stood. I swiped at the air in futility, as if I could somehow grab the thing that was well out of my reach, increasingly growing in desperation as more and more of me was turned to stone.

I looked to my would-be killer and with a last, aggravated snarl, stretched out my arms toward it in a last ditch but ultimately useless attempt to grab and kill it. No such luck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Was this how I was doomed to die? Alone, in a forest, with smelly clothes and used as a perching roost/crapper for random birds for the rest of eternity or until time and erosion whittled me away?

No, no! I-I cannot die here! I… I… I’ve never even had sex, damn it!

What happened next would be defined as one of the strangest experiences of my life.

Just beneath my sternum I felt… something come to life. A well of… power. That’s the best way I can depict it. Like an old but sturdy engine, long since used, it roared to life in a glorious blaze, filling me with energy and power.

But even that was an afterthought. My gaze was still fixated on the thing, my arms still stretched out and in my mind’s eye I painted a very clear, very direct picture. That by some means, be it The Force or whatever, the chicken would sail through the air and into my inviting hands where I would rob it of its life.

My wish granted. From the well of power beneath my sternum, I felt a pulse of… I dunno. something. It traveled from there to fill my whole body and exploded outwards in every direction. The chicken sailed through the air, forcefully yanked by an invisible source and into my waiting hands, but that was not the whole of it. From every side of me-- front, back, right, left and up, various miscellaneous objects made a beeline for me as well. Stones, ferns, leaves, twigs small clumps of dirt. They slapped me all around, but I didn’t flinch, barely registering they hit me at all.

No, my gaze was firmly locked on the little monster, squirming in my hands, panic evident in its face. Oh, how satisfying it was to have the roles reversed. Low, dark chuckles rumbled out my throat and I brought the thing closer, right in front of my face. It looked at me in fear.

“Think you’re hot shit, huh?”

And just like that, I gripped its midsection with both hands and with one brutal motion, tore its body in half.

In one last act of defiance the hybrid saw it fit to splatter my front with its blood and entrails. Okay, that may have been kinda my fault, but still. The grey coloration that made up half of my body receded steadily until I was back to my good ol', normal, non-stone self. Didn't stop its innards from absorbing and sticking to my clothes.

“Eww, gross,” I moaned as its blood seeped well into my shirt. I took it off, quick as I could and tossed it away, giving it up as a lost cause, leaving me with a slightly bloodstained bra. I looked down and noticed the pile of debris around me.

The pulse of power… the chicken-thing flying towards me.

Tentatively, I patted around my stomach, where I felt that surge of power well up.

It was still there, I could feel it.

“Weird,” I murmured and looked around, spotting my hoodie nearby. I went over to pick it, dusted it as best I could and put it on. A myriad of thoughts raced through my mind, too fast and too disorganized to properly pin one down. I had a hella lot of questions and no answers whatsoever. I was thirsty, hungry and dead tired.

I resolved to find a place to spend the night.

"Oof."

I brought both hands to my stomach.

That little ball of power suddenly flared, sending out a pulse like the one that sent the chicken into my inviting hands only this time its effects were a tad bit different.

I looked around, trying to spot anything out of the ordinary. Nope. I shrugged and stepped off the little mound that accumulated at my feet.

Huh?

"What the...?"

The ground was... crunchy.

I bent and plucked a little nugget of dirt, rolling it in my fingers. It didn't disperse. And then there was the smell, all around me. I brought the nugget closer and was taken aback when I smelled chocolate. Without really thinking about it I popped it in my mouth.

Oreos...?

Yep, the cookie part at least, crumbled. My stomach growled and before I knew it, I scooped up a handful of the chocolaty goodness and stuffed it in my mouth. Normally I'd be content to eat until I was full, but at around the fourth mouthful I crunched down on something considerably harder... A stone. I promptly spat everything out and didn't try to eat again.

Ugh, let's just find a place to sleep.

My searching led me to a modest crevice dug into a rock wall that jutted out the forest. It was hard, lumpy and it smelled weird, but it was dry and there weren’t signs that anything else lived there.

It was there that I made camp, though there was not much sleeping to be done. Tired as I was I was also hyper vigilant to any thing that might happen. Wouldn’t want some monster to stumble upon my sleeping body and decide I’d make a good snack. So yes, that was about it. Several hours of boredom interrupted by brief flashes of terror and uncertainty. By the time the sun rose I was still in one piece, though a lot more cranky and miserable.

The prospect of food and a nice long shower kept me going, even if they became increasingly unlikely fantasies. I rested whenever I got too tired, hunkered below a tree or in between bushes, keeping out of sight. I eventually came across a stream of water and sated my thirst, not caring for the fact it could be full of mutated, alien bacteria that might kill me. At the very least, it looked clean enough.

Of course, my trekkings were not exactly uneventful. I didn’t run into any more monsters, thankfully, which was a bit surprising. My clothing was still splotched with quite a few spots of blood. One would think any predators would smell it and converge on my location. Oh, well, I certainly wasn’t about to complain.

No, what made everything unusual was not the world around me, but rather something within myself. It was that little core of power beneath my sternum. How it got there I did not know, but what I did know was that through the whole time I was walking, it would start acting up. And when it acted up, strange things happened.

It was like… I dunno. Like it was continuously building up power. Pulsing, pounding. For the first couple of times, it terrified me, as I thought I would explode from the inside out and it certainly felt that way. Well, thankfully there were no explosions or else I wouldn’t be here right now, would I?

What happened was that when enough power accumulated, it would forcefully expel itself from me and in all directions, affecting everything it touched. Trees would come alive and sway in place, like they were dancing. Other times they’d simply uproot themselves and walk away, or use their branches to slap away unwanted bugs or critters. Others still tried to make themselves look menacing and took aggressive positions, as if trying to frighten me. Ferns, bushes and other miscellaneous plants would come alive and squabble with each other as they fought to root themselves where the sun’s rays pierced the thick canopy of the forest.

Seriously, you can’t make shit like this up.

Large boulders, would float away in the breeze as if they weighed nothing. Other times they would become overstuffed beanbag chairs and other times still their molecular composition would change to resemble solid foam.

The ground I walked on would become slippery for no reason at all. Other times every single dirt particle would change color… every color so that to the inexperienced observer it might look like I was walking through a powdered rainbow. One time I swear it actually turned into bubblegum… chewed bubblegum which, ew. That was not fun to walk through. I was forced to throw away my sneakers as they’d become crusted with it and whatever else they picked up.

By this point my nerves were frazzled beyond the point of corrosion, my weird-shit-o’-meter was on the fritz and I was no less closer to getting out of the forest.

“Goddamn it!”

With a rage fueled backhand, I smacked a tree with enough force to completely splinter it in half. Then again, it really shouldn’t have tried to scare me by grabbing on to my leg with its roots.

Hope it was worth it, you bastard.

It was nearing afternoon when I came across a peculiar find. A bridge. Old and rickety, connecting a deep ravine. Not only that, but further across were the decrepit old ruins of... something. A castle, maybe? And in the middle of a godforsaken forest, right out of a cheesy adventure film. All in all, considering the kind of shitty day I'd had, it was least surprising find at the time.

I was very wary, and rightly so. I knew I couldn't simply stay there in the open and hope some hellish monster wouldn't spot me and decide I'd make a good meal. The ruins looked to be a good spot for me to take shelter, but then again, the thought must have occurred to other forest creatures throughout the years. That, or it could be inhabited by backwoods cannibal rapists.

I lurked and skulked around the perimeter, looking and listening for even the slightest indication of movement or signs that something had recently taken shelter. There were none, but then again, I was by no means an expert on the matter and given my paranoia, I spent a good long while debating whether I should risk going inside.

However, the decision was made for me as I heard movement behind me, and I turned to look and past the bridge, partially hidden by the bushes were a number of... were they…. Yes, yes they were. At the other end of the ravine were a number of what I can only describe as wooden wolves. And they had glowing green eyes. What… the… fuck? Just when I thought I started to get a handle on the place.

That was the push I needed and I scurried into the ruins, watching them as I hid beside the broken remains of what might have been a perimeter wall at some point. They didn't follow me, thankfully and after a while they slinked back into the brush of the forest.

Well, looks like I’ll have to go and check out the ruins whether I like it or not. For all I know, the wolves are simply biding their time until I come back, and I didn’t want to risk it. I’d seen enough Animal Planet and National Geographic to know that wolves were crafty animals and very patient to boot, spending days or even weeks at a time stalking and following a potential meal.

Granted, the things I saw were not wolves in the conventional sense, but how would I know?

With that done, I set about exploring the ruins, which I am now certain were a castle at some point. It would have no doubt been spectacular during its glory days. It had spacious, gigantic rooms; chandeliers hung from the ceiling and even at a distance, I could make see there were what looked to be rubies, emeralds and other stones embedded in them.

What caught my attention was the fact that, after arriving at a particularly large and once-opulent room, there were two elevated chair-like thrones and atop them were two banners upon which two more of the mutant horses were displayed. One blue and one white, but unlike the rest of them, possessed horns and wings. Princesses. Queens. I could only assume they ruled this forest at some point, but were long since dead.

I searched some more, wanting to make sure there were no unpleasant surprises, being careful to not make too much noise. I came across a room filled with suits of armor(which were in remarkably good condition), fashioned to fit the little pukes. How in the world they would be able to put on the armor, much less make use of the weapons was beyond me.

On the topmost and only tower of the castle were two rooms, possibly belonging to the two winged super mutants from the throne room. Their insides were surprisingly well preserved. There was nary a sign of dust and the passage of time seemed not to affect them in any way. The white freak’s quarters was halfway a room and some weird shrine dedicated to the sun. Golden, Roman-like pillars were placed at the edges of the room and on the walls were more sun trinkets. Richly detailed oil paintings of the sky at sunrise, the bustle of what was undoubtedly the city back in its glory days, bathed in the light of the afternoon sun. Obviously they were nowhere near the perfection of da Vinci, Michelangelo and Botticelli, but considering these were handless freaks it was somewhat impressive. On one corner of the room was a study desk of some sort and on its opposite side a vanity with makeup and brushes and stuff and on the floor a thick, fluffy rug with a giant sun right in the middle. Guess these godless freaks were sun worshippers.

The bed was a canopy four poster with those curtain things that would close all around, shielding whoever was inside from sight. The sheets were plush, expertly seamed and made of very high quality material and no sooner did I decide to try it out that it literally felt as though I was sleeping on a cloud. It was that soft. Right next to it was an exquisitely crafted nightstand. Inside was a diary with a padlock. Just out of curiosity I crushed the thing and opened to read it. Eh, nothing too interesting. There was something about how she and her sister, who was apparently named Luna used some magical doohickeys to turn this guy to stone. Creepy…. And then she basically talked about everyday life. Boring things. What she did for the day, a particularly good meal, how she was fond of cakes, how some foreign dignitary from a place called Maretonia was an asshole(I paraphrased), her consideration about drafting new laws and treaties and just really boring stuff. Jeez…

Oh, and there was also some bitching about how her sister was growing distant, how she seemed to resent her and how she wishes she would talk to her. And then more pissing and moaning about how her sister turned to the dark side or something and she was forced to banish her to the moon and how she grew sad and lonely and depressed.

I closed the book after that, wanting to get something productive done. Wonder if she killed herself. That might account for why the whole place is long since abandoned.

The room opposite to it looked to be that Luna character, maybe. It was no less spectacular, only moon themed. Where the other room was yellow and gold, this one was black and blue. Sheesh, emo much? Unlike the other one, this Luna seemed to be a weapons aficionado. There was an armory thing with an admittedly impressive set of weapons and armor. Longswords, shortswords, two types of axes, what looked to be a meteor hammer, a halberd, a double edged spear, an ornate shield of what looked to be black glass and three bows. I whistled appreciatively and inspected each piece. Wonder if I could pawn these off somewhere...

What drew my attention was a dagger. Looking at it, you wouldn't think there was anything special about it. The blade was simple and conical, about six inches long, sharpened at both edges and was black in color. The handle was slightly grooved metal but again, it wasn’t impressive. Didn’t stop it from leaving a gash on my finger, slicing it as though… as though I no longer possessed my weird super durability. Oh, yeah, and apparently I heal fast as well. The cut closed in about a minute, not even leaving a scar behind. I was impressed. The rest of the weapons couldn’t slice or pierce my skin in the slightest.

This Luna also liked jewelry, it seemed. There were plenty of no doubt priceless accessories on her nightstand. Necklaces, bracelets, earrings, all that good stuff, straight out of a Tolkien movie. Hell, there was even a shirt looking thing that… was it mithril?

And then, before I knew it, I tried some of it on. There was no one around to see me, so why not? I was… surprised. Two pearly half moon earrings that seemed to glimmer without any light. One of those banded necklaces with minute emeralds and rubies on the bands and an armlet thingie, made of some unknown material that felt like velvet, yet was very strong and adorning it was an octagonal navy blue gemstone. Heh, I looked pretty… I think.

Didn’t last, though. Following a sharp spike of hunger I put back the earrings and necklace. The armlet I kept. I kinda liked it and it’s not like anyone owns it, right? With that done I set about exploring the castle again.

I came across a massive indoor library, with the shelves reaching all the way up to the ceiling. A baffling choice, as there was no way for the mutants to get all the way up there, except maybe for the winged ones. The books, though. They were in surprisingly good condition. You’d think that countless years of neglect, mildew and the elements would do some kind of damage, but no. Damn, this world just doesn’t make sense.

Curiosity got the better of me and I picked up a random book. The letters or glyphs or characters or whatever they were, were strange and foreign... and I could understand them. What... the... fuck. I swear I've never even seen this language and yet reading it is as easy as english. I looked closer at what the book detailed. It looked to be a cookbook of some sort and I'd stumbled on a recipe for... hay and alfalfa soup? I promptly shut it closed and chucked it out the window.

I went over to a random table and heavily plopped down on a chair, sighing in relief at the chance to get off my feet. I still wasn’t completely sure the castle was safe, but almost immediately, a wave of exhaustion overtook me. I couldn’t help myself. I folded my arms against the table, resting my head atop them and soon enough, I was out like a light.

It was night. It was warm, but at least it was dry and there I was, standing in line at the local WalMart. I could make at least forty people in front of me, and almost thrice that number behind. It was five fifty in the a.m.-- Black Friday. I'd made sure to camp out early, coming despite my instincts telling me not to. There's just something about Black Friday that encourages a violent atmosphere. It's been well documented that brawls tend to start out as people rush in and scramble to grab whatever they can get their mitts on, and incidents of participants being stomped and trampled to death were not unheard of.

So it was with no small amount of apprehension that I found myself here today.

I did have a rudimentary plan. When the doors opened I would run, run as fast as I could to the electronics section, get what I came here for and leave. Well, I had to pay for it and I did bring money. Still, if the opportunity presented itself, I'd be a fool not to take it.

Anyway, the people around me shuffled restlessly, impatiently checking their phones or watches, standing on tiptoes to watch the movements of the nervous staff inside. The air was teeming with anxiety and impatience. When the doors opened, it was like the floodgates were set loose and the mass of bodies around me mobilized.

I did not waste a second.

Moving as fast as I could, I elbowed those on either side of me as the sea of people swarmed into the store, scattering in every direction. Girls and women flocked to the clothing aisles and almost immediately scuffles broke out as more than one of them got their hands on a particular piece of clothing. I saw lots of guys at the sports and outdoors section carrying as much as they could in their arms to be deposited in nearby carts. Of course, there were those who took advantage of the pandemonium to swipe any choice items left unattended. Clumsy shoppers had run into and crashed against various shelves and display aisles, littering the ground with all kinds of miscellaneous junk-- lipstick, cotton swabs, school and office supplies, bottles of juice, shampoo, and cleaning agents.

I passed through a number of scenarios like that, not paying them any mind and focusing only on my sole destination-- the electronics aisle. people were already there, swiping everything of value, the vultures. Hi-defs and plasma screens flew off the shelves, as did printers, blu-ray players and gaming consoles. The latter was my destination. Someone bumped into me, a guy at least a few years older than me. It was probably an accident, but all my mind registered at the moment was that he stood between me and my destination. With a balled fist, I reared back and slugged him with my strongest kidney punch, causing him to double over.

With that over, I dashed forward to the nintendo section, hoping I was not too late. Shit! All the 3DSs are gone!

But fate, as if smiling down upon me, saw fit to answer my dilemma. A person nearby tripped, sending the bulk he had on his arms tumbling to the floor, smashing his head well and good against the floor and didn’t get up again. A number of boxes and accessories littered the already littered floor, but what caught my attention was a blue box, the words 3DS, and the picture of said console right on the front.

Not for one second did I hesitate or pause to ponder this new development. I lunged forward intending to claim my prize before anyone else interfered and no sooner did my hand make contact with the cardboard box that another hand in a black fingerless glove, which was definitely not mine, took ahold of it as well.

My head snapped up, only to stare at the face of an equally surprised girl. Black hair, black lipstick, black nail polish, black everything. Kind of a contrast to her light skin.

My eyes narrowed and with both hands I tugged at my prize, only for her to do the same.

“Back off. I saw it first,” I challenged.

“Well, I touched it first,” she replied and yanked on it, but my grip held.

“Well, I want it more. Go to a Hot Topic instead. That’s where all your kind gathers to drink tomato juice and pretend it’s blood.”

She sneered. “Says the girl who buys her clothes at the K-Mart. Go to the freaking GAP, why don’t you. At least you’ll look like a loser instead of a pauper.”

“They’re not open yet, Elvira. I’ll have to make do with this.” I pulled harder, but the bitch didn’t relent.

"Let go already!"

"No, you let go!"

"Don't make me come down there, shrimp?"

"What did you call me, bitch?"

"I called you a shrimp 'cause you're a shrimp. What are you, deaf or just plain stupid? Let go of my freakin' 3DS already!"

I couldn't take it. I simply lashed out. I threw a punch that connected with her nose, causing the girl to cry out in pain and bring both hands to clutch at the area of impact.

With her grubby hands off my gaming console, I promptly flipped her the bird and moved to leave. I didn't get more than a few steps before a voice shrilled out "You little bitch!"

And before I knew it, I was being tackled to the ground, my precious 3DS flying out my grasp. We rolled around on the cold tiled floor, struggling to overcome the other and landing cheap shots where we could. I punched, kicked and bit anywhere to get the crazy bitch off of me and her, she used her ridiculously sharp nails to scratch my unprotected skin. Even from the corner of my eye I could see various shoppers stop and gawk at the scene. We must have really been going at it. Eventually we were forced away as I felt two strong hands grip my shoulder and yank me from the goth bitch. I turned to look and to my horror, the first thing I saw was a police badge. Shit!

“Get off of me!”

Turning back to the wannabe vampire I saw her lashing out and clawing at the person restraining her… another officer. No sooner did she realize this that she froze, sharing my look of horror and practically all the color drained from her face. I smirked. He, he, what an idiot. She was really in for it now.

And just like that, I felt the cool sensation of metal in my hands followed by two very audible clicks.

Goddamn it.

The crazed emo and I were promptly escorted out and into a police car. As soon as they began leading us away, the shoppers must have realized what they came here for, as they hastily resumed their looting, only more behaved until the cops took us well out of sight.

About an hour later and I found myself in a holding cell, incredibly pissed off, arms crossed and doing my best to ignore my cell mate. Where not too long ago she was trying to claw my eyes out, she now sat there, all still like and slumped, her eyes red from crying, hands clasped nervously between her knees and letting out a little sniffle every now and then.

I sighed. Thanks to my cellmate I missed my opportunity to nab a brand new 3DS at Black Friday price. Now the opportunity passed and by the time I'd be let out of this dump the price would be back to normal. Goddamn it, I didn't have enough cash to shell out for it.

Only options left were to get a job, but, blegh. Or I could buy a used one, which sucked since the thought of grabbing something full of someone else's germs made my skin crawl.

In any case, my plottings were interrupted as the girl next to me let out a despairing whimper and covered her face amid fresh tears.

I closed my eyes, leaning my head back against the concrete wall. “Will you please stop crying?”

She made no indication she’d heard me. Her face was still buried in her hands and a small moan muffled through.

I rolled my eyes. “Oh, my god. What, have you never been in a holding cell? I thought you emo vampires are supposed to be all cool and emotionless.”

“I dun’ wanna go t’ jail,” she whimpered.

“You’re not going to jail, idiot,” I bit impatiently. “This is holding. All the pigs are gonna do is call your parents and give you a fine.”

The girl looked at me, her makeup sloppily smeared across her face. “R-really? I’m not...” she swallowed. “Is this going into my permanent record?”

“Police don’t have permanent records. They have criminal files. And will you stop worrying? You’re just gonna get a slap on the wrist.”

“O-oh.” She looked a bit more reassured. Not that I was sure it was gonna go like that, but anything it took to stop her blubbering.

I sneered, or, would have, but the cuts in my face stung. I winced and reached to rub tenderly at the spots.

“Does it hurt?”

I looked to her and she to me. Still looked miserable, but worry increasingly crept in.

“What do you care? You rubbing it in or something?” I mumbled and turned away.

She looked down in shame. “N-no. I’m sorry, I… I don’t know what came over me. I don’t usually go off on people like that, but I was just having a really bad day and my girlfriend broke up with me and I’m on my period and I’m just… ugh, I can get so emotional.”

I grimaced. Way too much information. “Please, we all get it. I get it and I still manage to control myself.”

“You hit me first,” she said sullenly.

“True,” I admitted after a moment of hesitation.

I looked to her. A few spots of dried blood were crusted just below the left corner of her lip, itself a nasty purple and very much swollen. Her left eye shared a similar fate sans the blood. She didn’t look angry, just… miserable.

Shit.

“And you? Does it hurt?”

She tentatively poked at her eye. “It’s sore… aches.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. “Pigs could have given us some ice. It’d dull some of the pain at least.”

She hummed and stayed silent. I fidgeted uncomfortably. Normally this would be perfectly fine by me, yet I felt I should say something.

“Who’s coming to get you? Your parents?”

Good god, is this what I've been reduced to? Making awkward small talk with a stranger?

“Yeah,” she said miserably. “They’re not gonna be happy about this."

“Eh, it’s not like they’ll kick you out or ship you to boarding school… will they?”

She sniffed and let a brief hysterical laugh. “No, no… I don’t… think so.”

“Are you an only child?” I really didn’t know what was coming out of my mouth at this point.

“Yes.”

“Then they won’t ship you off. Just ground you or something.”

She looked like she wanted to believe it. “How do you know?”

"Because your parents have coddled you your entire life. I bet there hasn't been a thing you want that they didn't give you. Unless you really, really and I mean really fucked up, then all they'll do is ground you and take away your cell phone or something."

She looked thoughtful for a moment. "I think you're right. I really haven't screwed up... that they're aware of."

"See? You got nothing to worry about."

"No, I don't," she said, looking a bit more chipper. "I... feel a lot better now. Thanks." She smiled at me and sounded genuinely grateful.

I looked away and mumbled, "Sure. What else have you done? That your folks haven’t found out?"

“Ah...there was this one time a few weeks back. I snuck out at night, like at one, I think. I… sometimes take my parent's’ jeep out, just to, you know, drive around town and go to parties. And my friend was picking me up, so I wanted to bring something to drink, right?”

“Your parents just keep alcohol around?”

“Yes. Well, no. They keep it in this liquor cabinet.”

“And you picked it?” I was mildly impressed.

“No…” she said sheepishly. “I just removed the back panel, get what I want and screw it back in. Easy peasy.”

I chuckled. “Nice.”

“Yeah, well, I almost got caught. I took this bottle of Peppermint Schnapps. Drank more than I should have and by noon I ended up throwing it all up in the living room rug.”

“And your parents missed that?”

“Heheh, no. The whole thing smelled like mint. I told my mom and dad I ate a bad candy cane…. No, really,” she added hastily, seeing the doubtful look on my face. “It’s a lame excuse, I know, but believe it or not they bought the whole thing.”

“Whoa.”

“Yeah… how about you?”

“Let’s see… there was this bitch in school, and I mean like a real bitch. The kind you see in cliche’d teen movies and stuff. She and about fifty other people got invited to a party near the boonies, where it’s remote. I managed to snag a ride from some brain dead jocks and when we got there, the thing was all full swing. I mean, you wouldn’t believe the ruckus. And the girl who hosted the party was running around like a headless chicken. The whole thing got a little too wild and everybody was making a real mess of the place. Breaking glasses, picture frames, spray painting the walls, throwing up. And this girl was running all over, trying to get everyone to stop. Heh… idiot. Anyway, it was one of these houses with a massive backyard. Was probably a farm at some point and I took a walk outside, like all the way back where there were no people, because the whole thing was getting to be a bit too much. Anyway there was this storage shed thing and I could see the area ‘round back was lit and when I go over to check it out there’s the bitch, unconscious, wearing nothing but socks and lying there in the ground.”

She gasped. “Oh, my God. Was she… violated?” she whispered the last word.

I couldn’t help but snort. “Not likely. She’s the type who goes around, if you know what I mean. Got herself fucked and blacked out because she was too damn drunk. Had a bottle of Michelob Light in her hand.”

“And… what did you do?” she asked hesitantly. As for me, I smiled wolfishly.

“Her clothes were still there. Grabbed her phone, took some pictures and sent them to everyone in her contacts list. Like two hundred people and then they sent it to their friends and them to their friends. Literally by around two o'clock the next day everybody had seen her lying down like the whore she was.” I chuckled darkly. “From that point on, the legend of Slutty Chelsea was born.”

“Slutty… Chelsea,” she said slowly before a look of realization spread across her face and she gasped. “Chelsea Clinton? That was you?” Where not moments ago her expression was that of disapproval, now she looked at me with… admiration?

I shrugged nonchalantly or, tried to, at least. Couldn’t keep from smiling a little. “Moi,” I nodded. “Why, did you know her?”

“Hmph. Met her in a party about six months back. I was new here, you know. Just moved from Philadelphia. I… didn’t know too many people. Met Chelsea at a party, which I know is not a good place to go if you want a steady relationship, but…” She sighed. “She was nice. At first, I mean. I thought she liked me. After she got what she wanted, she didn’t pay me no mind anymore… fuckin’ slut,” she muttered bitterly. “Well, good going, doing what you did. Bitch deserved it.”

“Thanks. Someone really needed to put that girl in her place.” She smiled at me. Like, genuinely. Nothing but kindness on her face. Weird…

I couldn’t help but return it with my own, slightly awkward one. “No problem.”

“I’m curious. Why did you do it, though. Take her picture, I mean? Was she mean to you?”

“Mean to me? Hah!” I scoffed. “That bitch never knew I existed. We never crossed paths.”

“But you still did that. Why?”

I held up two fingers. “Two reasons: I thought it would amuse me and I wanted to see what would happen.”

She blinked. “That’s it?”

“That’s it.”

It was at that moment that both her parents burst in through the front door. They looked respectable enough. The mom looked to be near hysterics, her eyes wild and the dad’s face was steadily growing redder as he talked to the pig who arrested us. He opened the door to the cell and no longer was my former cellmate out that she was literally hug-tackled by her near sobbing mom. Jeez…

They had one of those little cheesy family reunion things and when everyone was more or less emotionally stable, the officer guided her parents to fill a bunch of paperwork. She looked back and, after making sure everyone else was occupied, swiftly plucked a marker from a nearby desk.

Stealing inside a police station. I had to admit, I was impressed.

"Come on," she waved impatiently past the bars of my cell.

As soon as I was within reach, she pulled off the cap and grabbed ahold of my arm.

"Okay, so if my parents don't kill me, I'm probably gonna be grounded for the next week or so. Anyway, there's an indie art expo opening on the twenty third downtown. I don’t know if you’re into that, but I’ve seen some of their stuff and it’s really good. So… you know, if you want to go then call me. I can pick you up or we could meet there or whatever, ‘kay? Or don’t. No pressure.”

She gave me back my hand and I stared at the number she’d scribbled on my palm. I admit, I didn’t know what to make of it.

“Name’s Claire, by the by. Claire Hartigan.”

“Uh,” I swallowed. “J-Jackeline.”

We had time enough for a quick handshake. Her hand was soft… warm, and then she was called to go home. She flashed me a smile and that ‘call me’ thing with her hand and was gone in the blink of an eye. I was rooted in the spot for a moment or two. What just happened? It was like I’d been in a daze all along and it suddenly lifted to grant me clarity. And then there was my hand, where that goth, vampire wannabe had scribbled on me. I stared at the numbers stupidly as my brain sluggishly put all the pieces in place.

Did I just make a friend?

<Ugh, spare me!>

With a snort, I jerked awake. “Wha… who’s there?” I inspected the room, my eyes darting everywhere numerous times, searching for whoever made that noise. Did the mutants track me down? I was really not in the mood to deal with them, and probably never would be.

“Huh, nothing there after all.”

Almost immediately, I felt a sharp jolt inside my head.

“Ow! What the…”

<Argh! Blast it! I just about had it.>

The voice resonated in the inside of my head, like an echo.

"Oh, God. Am I going crazy?" I asked to no one in particular, clutching at my noggin. "I do not need this right now."

<Drat, you're awake.>

Shit! There it is again.

<She, you foal, she! I am not an it.>

I rubbed at my temples. "You're not there, go away. It's just stress. Yeah, that's it. Stress induced hallucination. That's a thing, right?"

The voice sighed and if it was possible, I bet it would've rolled its eyes. <No, it's not a thing. Your mind is as sane as anyone else's. Now will you pay attention? There are things I must ask you.>

Silence.

<Are you even listening to me?>

Again, I didn’t respond, choosing to close my eyes shut and shook my head in denial.

<Fine, have it your way. I’ll get your attention one way or the other.... Hmm, human brains are a bit different than a pony’s. Now where… aha! Found it!>

A sudden, dull throb spiked in my head, but it went as quickly as it came. It startled me into opening my eyes and, in another instance of the strangest experiences of my life, the room I was standing in lurched and rushed out, as if I was having tunnel vision. Everything in front of me becoming smaller, getting further away until there was nothing left. Just an empty white void all round me.

Yeah, that got me good and riled, alright.

“What the ever-loving shit?!” I exclaimed as I took in the scenery around me. White, white and white. Nothing else. Hell, I don’t think I was even standing on anything, yet my feet were clearly touching solid ground.

“Wrong again, foal. This is the inside of your mind.”

I whirled around, only to lay eyes on one of the horned beasts, not ten steps from me.

Almost on instinct, I yelped and scrambled away, putting good distance between us. “Little fucker! How did you find me?” I hissed and got into a sloppy combat stance, knees bent and fists half raised, ready to slaughter the mutant at a moment’s notice.

The beast, a female, if her voice was any indication, curled her lip and by the way she looked at me, I don’t think she was impressed. “Do not call me that, human. I have a name.”

“S-start talking! Or I’ll--”

“You’ll do nothing,” her voice rang out clear and brash, and I couldn’t help but be silenced.

She merely looked at me, and I her. Her coat was, I had to admit, a light, glossy, silvery gray-- not like that of an old person, but healthy and natural. Her mane and tail were pitch black, straight and smooth and her oversized eyes were a bright blood red. It kind of unnerved me.

She closed her eyes and it seemed she tried to steel herself into a more relaxed, friendly pose. After opening them, she cleared her throat. “Ah, sorry about that. I did not mean to draw you in here so abruptly. I was desperate, you see.”

No, I most certainly didn’t see. I stood rooted at my spot, not giving or moving an inch.

After a sigh, she said, “Tell me, foal, what is your name?”

“What’s yours?” I shot back defiantly.

She did what might have passed for a shrug. “Couldn’t tell you. I forgot it long ago.”

I snorted. “What, you got amnesia or something?”

“No, not amnesia. My name is still out there somewhere. I simply… hid it.”

Uhh, what? “Why?” I couldn’t help but blurt out.

“Because names have power,” was her sole response.

She waited for me to make some sort of acknowledgement, but I wasn’t feeling particularly chatty at the moment.

“Alright, well, don’t speak if you don’t want. Just listen for now.” She then cleared her throat and spread one of her front legs. “This empty space right here is the subconscious part of your mind. Your body is still right where you left it-- whole and unharmed, I assure you. The ‘you’ right in front of me is merely a mental projection. You can’t be hurt or feel pain in any way… unless you want it of course.”

I listened with no small amount of incredulity. I mean, what do you say in a situation like this. My brain was still sluggish from tiredness and lack of food and… well, if she brought me here then she could get me out. Right…?

“My mind?” I asked skeptically after a prolonged silence. She nodded.

“It’s all empty.”

“So do something about it.”

I was about to ask what she meant by that when the answer hit me. All of this… the creepy forest, magic wielding mutants, pegasi, that weird chicken/lizard thing and now this. It all screamed of magical, mystical, hocus pocus. From a corner of my mind, I pulled one single image and just like that, the empty white void was empty no longer. We were now in a room. Stone walls all around us. Moving portraits, plush sofas and armchairs, old carpets, polished oaken tables, chairs and various furniture. Last but not least was the fireplace alight with a merry, crackling fire-- a perfect replica of the Gryffindor common room.

“Not bad, not bad at all.” I looked back to the unicorn, inspecting the surroundings with an appreciative eye. “It’s cozy, if nothing else, and I do like the red theme.” She raised an eyebrow at the moving portraits, but said nothing and instead moved to sit atop a particularly plush armchair in front of the fire. She gestured for the seat in front of her, an exact replica of the chair she occupied. “Sit, please, and make yourself comfortable. It is your mind after all.”

My eyes darted from her to the offered spot, searching for any signs of deceit or falsehood, but there were none. She certainly looked sincere.

Slowly, carefully, I inched forward, never taking my eyes off her and hers never leaving mine. The only sound was the snap and crackling of the flames, illuminating everything else with a warm, inviting glow. When I finally sat down, hands atop my lap, a small smile stretched across her lips.

It was at that point that I was reminded, even in this pseudo-consciousness or reality or whatever it was, I was still hungry, as my treacherous stomach saw fit to remind me. Man, what I wouldn’t give for a little something. A large platter was suddenly in front of me, as if it had always been there. Almost as large as a hubcap and all but overflowing with golden fries, layered with oodles of chili and melted cheese. My stomach made its protests known-- telling me to quit dawdling and stuff my face. Still, I did have a smudge of self restraint. One lesson my mom successfully hammered into me early on was to mind my manners at the table, especially when in company.

"Oh, my. What is that?"

I looked to the self professed pony thing in front of me, eyeing the gut busting goodness with interest.

"Chili cheese fries," I said after taking a moment to properly whiff the calorie laden monstrosity. I plucked two perfect looking specimens-- hell they were all perfect-- and popped them in. Crispy on the outside, fluffy on the inside. Salted to perfection and neither the chili or cheese overpowered each other or the potato. Before I knew it, I started tossing them back with wild abandon, manners be damned.

"It looks... interesting."

I looked to the gray pony. She was taking slow, deep breaths, nostrils flaring as she took in the heavenly scent. Gulping and biting her lip.

"Want one?" I blurted out without thinking.

Her face lit up immediately. "Why, thank you." Her already large eyes widened as she tasted the warm, salty goodness and almost immediately started knocking them back. "Mmm. This is... quite good. Potatoes, aren't they? And obviously melted cheese... but what is this brown substance? I've never seen anything like it."

"It's chili."

"Yes, but what's it made of?"

"Beef."

She merely stared at me.

"Cow, it's made from cow flesh."

Her reaction was amusing to say the least. She froze mid chew, her eyes boggled and staring at me incredulously. "You... don't say?" Heh, it looked like the gears in her mind had ground to a halt. You could practically hear them slowly start back up. As if reaching some kind of internal agreement, she nodded. "Well, it's good."

"Kinda took you for a vegetarian, I muttered as we both continued to help ourselves.

"I still am, technically. This is not actually here, you know," she said, gesturing to the platter.

"So I'm not really eating?"

"Nope."

I sighed. "That's all I had left." I promptly sat back in my chair. "Why did you bring me here?"

“In time, in time. We should first get introductions out of the way, don’t you think? What’s your name?”

“Jacqueline,” I muttered lowly. “Who’re you?”

“I told you, I don’t remember.”

I scoffed. “Right, you hid your name,” I said sardonically. “How do you even do something like that?”

“Magic, of course,” she said as though it was the obvious answer.

“Uh-huh,” I said skeptically and waited on her to elaborate. She seemed content to stay silent and observe me. “And... why?"

"Why what?"

"Why in the world would you need to do something like hide your name?”

She tilted her head and, after a moment of indecision said, “I was… hiding from someone. A very nasty fellow. I don't know much of anything about him, but I do know he made it his mission in life to capture me. I... poked my nose where I shouldn’t, did things I shouldn’t have. It got his attention and he wasn’t too pleased with me. He came after me, you see. I had to hide… hide myself, hide my soul and my name, or else he’d have found me.”

I waited for her continue, but she didn’t. If her features were any indication, she seemed to be lost in thought. “And you were hiding from…”

She hummed. “I’m not sure. I removed that bit of information from my mind as well.” She must have seen the unbelieving, impatient grimace on my face, for she elaborated a bit more. “Names have power, foal. If someone knows your full name, they would be able to find you wherever you may be. This individual I am referring to used my name to track me down where I hid. Didn’t matter where I went, what I did or how well I covered my tracks. He used my name to hunt me for months across the whole of Equestria. I was getting desperate, you see and so I resorted to… well, what you might call highly dangerous and experimental magic. I removed my soul. Placed it within the gemstone you found where it would be nice and safe. I removed and hid my name, his name and anything else I deemed to be best left forgotten. I took every step necessary to ensure he didn’t find me-- may have worked a little too well, now that I think about it.”

She… removed her soul? Oh, god, did I just stumble into this infernal world’s version of Voldemort?!

I visibly tensed, and my words came out stiff and harsh. “You’re a criminal, aren’t you? You… you… you hatched some harebrained scheme to take over the world or some crap like that, didn’t you. That’s why you’re hiding, isn’t it?!”

She simply stared at me as though I’d grown a second head. “No, nothing quite like that,” she said slowly. “But no, you’re not entirely wrong. I am a criminal, yes-- was-- but my goals never stretched quite as far as world domination, no. What I wanted was much simpler than that. Knowledge; to explore new and untapped branches of magic. Very exciting work. Progressive. Perhaps a tad dangerous. Unfortunately for me, higher authorities declared my interests to be… well, dangerous. There were several laws and restrictions prohibiting the finding of new magics. They regarded my interests to be unhealthy. Obsessive was what they called me,” she sniffed. “If anything, I was misunderstood.”

I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples, trying to process all this. In spite of the whole outlandishness of it, I couldn’t help but be curious. “What did you do to make this guy so mad at you?”

She gave me a helpless shrug.

“Seriously?”

“I removed most of everything and anything regarding the matter, foal.”

“And if you don’t know what you did to piss him off, how will you know not to do it again?”

She opened her mouth to speak, but almost immediately, a look of realization lit up her face and her jaw was left floundering like a fish’s.

I rolled my eyes. “Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to poke around and remove everything from your mind, eh?”

“Blast it,” she sighed. “I may have… rushed a few things, but in my defense, I was getting fairly desperate by that point-- in any case, I would like to get down to the matter of things. I did not just get your attention to have a pleasant chat about my past.”

I hesitated for a moment. “What do you want with me?”

“To be blunt, I would like your help. I and my armlet have been stuck in this infernal castle for the better part of a millennium and--”

“A millennium…”

“Yes, over a thousand years,” she said a bit impatiently. “My point being, I have been without a body for a very long time. I can’t exactly get around on my own. I need someone to… carry me,” she said distastefully. “If I ever want to get out of here. That is where you come in. I would like your help in acquiring a host body for me to overtake and rid myself of this cursed state of immobility. Of course, I wouldn’t ask you to do this for nothing. Should you help me in my request, I would be more than willing to repay the favor.”

I looked at her doubtfully. "I'm still not clear on one thing."

"Oh? What is it?"

"If... if you really have been around for a thousand years then this guy you talked about is long dead, isn't he?" Or wait, don’t tell me, these infernal creatures can live for thousands of years.

“Ah, a very good point,” she said happily. “Then I don’t have as much to worry about, I think.”

“Still another thing I’m not all that clear on.” She looked at me expectantly.

“You said something about a host body…. What exactly does that mean?”

“I will overtake their mind and seize control of the body for my own.”

My face blanched. “W-wha…”

“Now before you get any ideas, I cannot actually take control of your body. I am a pony and you are a human. We are simply not compatible.”

For a moment, I could do little but stare at her in horror, but I managed to say in a shaky voice, “H-how do I know you’re t-telling the truth?”

The answer came quick and succinct. “Because if I could, I would have already done so, and we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.”

“That… doesn’t fill me with a lot of confidence,” I trailed off.

“Then confide in this-- I am in need of help, and you are literally the only one who can help me. I can’t exactly wait another thousand years for somepony to hopefully stumble into me. And you… well, I’m assuming you yourself are in need of help as well. After all, you are an intelligent human. I highly doubt your kind could have reached full sapience in as little as a thousand years. Call it a hunch, but I imagine life in here can’t be too easy for you. I know there’s got to be a thing or two you might need someone else’s help on.”

I squirmed in my seat and her, she just looked patiently at me, waiting for me to decide. Gawd, what do you actually do in a situation like this. To tell the truth I had no idea what to choose. I had no plans beyond tomorrow. I knew I wanted to get back home and away from all this craziness. But I couldn’t deny one simple fact-- I was utterly alone here, an intelligent human in a world of midget dog-horse mutants where my kind were considered lower life forms. This world operated on different rules than mine and I… what could I do? Where could I go all by myself?

I… damn it, I need help. I… I… can’t do this alone.

“Fine,” I whispered, too low to hear.

“Pardon?”

“Fine,” I said louder this time. “I’ll… help you with your thing, now can you let me out of here?”

She clapped her hooves. “Ah, splendid! Truth be told, I was afraid you’d be much too irrational to listen. Very well, I will send you back. Now brace yourself. This will be disorienting.”

And just like that, I was yanked from the relatively comfy confines of my mind and sent hurtling back to the real world. I swayed, nearly losing my balance but remained upright. I doubled over, hands on my knees, breathing heavily and trying not to puke.

“What the shit?!” I gasped.

<Yes, sorry about that. First time is always the worst from what I hear.>

“You’ve done this before?”

<Oh, yes. Many times. Back in its glory days this castle and the land surrounding it served as the capital city of Equestria. It was filled with many servants and laborers. I tucked myself away in secluded little shelves, drawers, places away from prying eyes, anywhere somepony might stumble into me. Taking over their bodies was quite easy once I got the hang of it.>

“Bodies… just how long were you doing this for?”

<Three hundred and fifty eight years.> She must have sensed my disbelief. <This unscrupulous individual was persistent. I kept an ear to the ground while I hid. Whatever I did to anger him must have been quite severe. Really, what kind of sick mind hunts you for such a long time? I assume he didn’t have any family. Most ponies have enough going in their lives to hunt somepony for hundreds of years. He really should have learned to relax and let bygones be bygones, maybe pick up a hobby but--”

“You said something about needing help?” I asked loudly,

<Hm? Oh, yes, host body. Very good. Apologies. It is nice to talk to somepony else beside yourself, yes. First issue we need to address is getting out of this forest and into civilization.>

I was about to respond when my stomach did it for me, loudly protesting the long absent nourishment of food. Good though those mind fries were, they weren’t really real and it raised my already aching hunger to critical mass. “God, if I don’t eat something soon I will literally die.” Or not. I do exaggerate sometimes. “Is there something to eat in here?”

<Probably not. I do remember the kitchens were very well stocked, but the food’s probably turned to dust by now. If you’re feeling desperate, you can probably find rats or something of the sort. You do like rats, don’t you?>

“No.”

<Really?> She sounded a bit surprised.

“Really. I’m not that desperate.”

<So go to the forest. There’s bound to be some wild fruits you can eat.>

“Can’t. How am I even gonna find it. I know there’s a mud village somewhere in the forest’s perimeter. That’s where I’ve been trying to go.”

<I see. Well, we need you to be at your full strength. It wouldn’t do if you keel over from malnourishment. Now, I may have a way to find this village’s location, but you probably won’t like it.>

“What is it?” At this point I was willing to try anything.

<I would need to see your memories, from the point you entered the forest and up to you finding this castle. If your memories are fresh and vivid enough, I’ll be able to make a good guess as to where this village is.>

“Okay, fine.”

<Don’t be like that. It’s perfectly saf… wait, what?>

“Fine, whatever. You can look. Whatever gets some food in me, I’m starving...” I rubbed at my stomach.

<Very well, this won’t take but a minute.> All of a sudden I felt a very fleeting sensation at the center of my brain, like a very light pressure, but it went as quickly as it came. <I think I got it now.>

“You can find the village?”

<I have a fairly good idea where it is, yes.> Hmm, there was something in that tone.

“But…”

<Well, I may have looked a… tiny little bit further back than I intended-->

“Oh, god.”

<--and given the state of things, there might be a problem with this little excursion of yours. I saw that little altercation you had with the locals.>

Of course there’s a problem. Why can’t anything be simple? “What is it?”

<Well, before jumping to conclusions I’d like to be clear on a few things. Are you the only intelligent human these ponies have seen?>

“I… think. Maybe. You saw how they reacted, right?”

<Yes, well, unfortunately, those two mares you assaulted are not your usual run of the mill ponies.>

“So who are they?”

<They just happen to be the bearers of the Elements of Honesty and Loyalty.>

“Uhh… what?” She gave me a more or less abridged version of these Macguffin trinkets that shot some concentrated, hippie, candyland rainbow power that apparently could do any number of things to bad guys. Supposedly, even though she was trapped and unable to move, she could still project her consciousness around the castle, which is how she was able to see the two little pukes and four of their friends use the things to purge the pony version of Boogieman.

<And that’s not everything.>

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Of course it isn’t.”

<Remember the alicorn?>

“The what?”

<The alicorn.> An image appeared suddenly in my mind… the little purple super mutant.

“Oh, her,” I muttered.

<Apparently she’s a princess now, or at least a very important pony, most likely with connections to whoever rules Equestria at this point…. And you just assaulted her friends.>

A migraine was quickly approaching. Christ, where’s some weed when you need it? Should have tried it at least once...

<Case in point, they won’t be forgetting you anytime soon. I wouldn’t be surprised if the town’s crawling with guards, or if they are planning to send search parties for you here in the forest. Oh, yes, and remember that little animal filled cottage? Belongs to the bearer of the Element of Kindness, yet another of the alicorn’s friends.> She chortled. <Oh, my, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone make such a bad first impression in my life,> she said, her voice quaking in mirth.

“Fuck!” I decided to take out my frustrations on an innocent table, swinging my arm down with enough force to break it in half.

<Oh, relax. It’s not the end of the world. And if something does happen, you do have ample magic reserves. I’m curious, by the way. What sort of magic can you do?>

“Huh?”

<Magic. Spells. You know, that kind of thing. What can you do?>

“Nothing,” I said after a pause. “I don’t have magic.”

<You’re kidding, right?> I let my silence speak for itself. <Magic, you foal, chaos magic! You’re practically brimming with it. Can’t you feel it?>

I was about to dispute this when a more rational part of my mind recalled the strange events of the past day. My new physical attributes, my encounter with the weird chicken/lizard hybrid freak and those random pulses emanating from beneath my sternum. Oh, God…

<I take it you do know what I’m talking about?>

“I… yeah, Kind of, but…” I trailed off, a hurricane of thoughts sweeping through my head.

<Yes?>

“How did this happen? I’m not magic. Humans are not magic.”

<I can’t be sure. Hmm, wait a moment, let me take a look.> I was about to ask what she meant by this until I felt that power source in my gut flicker.

“The hell?” I ran a hand through my stomach.

<Just as I thought.>

Finally, some answers! “What? What did you find?”

<Your magical core. It’s like you said, you are not magic and yet, there is a magical core inside of you. Chaos magic, very unusual that is. It’s artificially made as far as I can tell, not part of your natural biology. Poorly constructed as well. It’s like someone decided to, for lack of a better analogy, plant a magical seedling into a never before used terrain, let it sit and see what happens.>

“Is it bad?” I asked anxiously, wringing my hands.

<It’s crude, inefficient and wasteful.>

“Yeah, who cares?! Is something bad gonna happen to me? Something bad's gonna happen, isn't it? Son of a bitch, I knew it! There's been weird stuff happening to me all day and now My body's gonna explode--"My voice was in near hysterics at this point.

<Calm yourself, foal, you are not going to die.>

"I-I'm not?"

<No! It's… not bad for you. As far as I can tell, at least. I would have to do a very thorough analysis to be sure.>

“Can’t you do it now? I don’t wanna go without making sure the thing won’t implode on me!”

She sighed and if she could, I bet she would’ve rolled her eyes. <That’s not how it works. Sloppy as it may be, it’s stable enough that it won’t harm you.> Oh, oh thank God. <It can, however, have adverse effects in the long term.> And goodbye, half second of relief. <But if, and I mean if anything bad were to happen, it wouldn’t take place for months or even years, and before anything else, your body needs sustenance. I can make a more thorough inspection of your core, but only after I’m sure you won’t pass out from malnutrition.>

“Oh. Uh, thanks,” I mumbled.

<Don’t thank me, it’s mostly self-interest. I could be stuck here until the end of eternity if you go and die on me. Still, you are welcome. Now, you can’t exactly go as you are. It would be safer if you were to change your appearance. New clothes would be in order. Or you could simply go naked.>

“No, let’s go with clothes,” I said immediately.

<Very well. There’s got to be something around here you can use. Ah, and a haircut wouldn’t go amiss.>

“You know, you sound very sure about this. Those... ponies can’t be that stupid. How do you know they won’t recognize me anyway?”

<You give ponies too much credit, little one. Most ponies have a hard time telling humans apart from one another, even a troublemaker such as you.>

“Like horses are for us…” I muttered lowly. At any other time, I might appreciate how my reversed animal status was actually working for me at this point.

<So what do you say? Are you up for it?>

"I don't have much of a choice, do I? Whatever helps" I sighed. How do you go forward on a situation like this? How do you know if you're making the right choice or setting yourself up for failure? I did not have these answers and I didn't have time to dawdle. It's easy to tell yourself further down the road how things could have been different or how you could have done something better.

Oh fuck it, I was dirty, starving and my tenuous grip on my sanity was teetering on the edge of madness.

Now let's go and get some chow.... and hopefully some soap. I stink.

And hopefully, absolutely nothing will go wrong.