Sunset picked up a black card. "Alright, everyone's ready to start the final round?"

"Bring it on, sugarcube," Applejack smirked.

Sunset looked around the table. "Okay, since this is the final round, we're going to change things up a bit." With a wicked grin, she said, "From this point on, everyone will read their own answers. Every single card."

"Meep," Fluttershy said.

"Ooooh, upping the ante," Pinkie said. "I like it."

"Heh, this'll be good."

"Oh, very well," Rarity said, rolling her eyes.

"Okay." Sunset looked at the card. She raised an eyebrow. "Oh, this'll be good. 'When all else fails, I can always masturbate to blank.'"

Rarity spluttered. Applejack shifted uncomfortably.

"Oh my," Fluttershy said.

"Okay girls, hit me with your best shot," Sunset said. "Rarity?"

Rarity looked over her cards. "The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy," she said, laying down a white card.

Pinkie giggled.

Sunset snickered. "Not bad. Rainbow?"

Rainbow studied her cards grimly. "Hmm...chicken farmers," she said. Applejack let out a laugh.

"That's pretty fowl," Fluttershy said with a sly smile.

"Pinkie?" Sunset prompted.

"A thermonuclear detonation!" Pinkie declared happily.

"Hah! That's hot," Rainbow said. The others giggled.

Sunset rolled her eyes. "Fluttershy?"

"Oh. Umm...oh...no..." Fluttershy sighed. "Agriculture," she said lamely.

"Nah, that's Applejack," Rainbow said. Applejack threw an empty can at her.

"Okay, AJ?" Sunset said.

Applejack gave Sunset a defiant grin. "Nacho breath," she said.

The other girls giggled. "That's so wrong!" Pinkie cried.

"Oh man...!" Rainbow clutched her stomach. "It...it hurts..."

Sunset groaned, chuckling. "Alright..." She shook her head. "Applejack wins that one."

Applejack collected her reward, and the girls drew from the dwindling stack of white cards. Once everyone had drawn, Rarity took the next black card off the deck. "Alright," she said. "In prison, word is you can trade two hundred cigarettes for blank." She looked around. "Well, Sunset would know," she said.

Sunset bounced a wadded napkin off her head, then viciously sorted through her cards.

"I thought they only used ass rape for money in prison?" Pinkie said as she looked at her cards.

"Nah, they use cigarettes to buy ass rape," Rainbow said.

"Oh." Pinkie blinked. "Wait. How do you buy rape? That doesn't make sense!"

"You don't buy th' rape, you buy th' bitch," Applejack said. "Then you rape th' bitch."

"Oh! Okay."

"This is without a doubt the weirdest conversation I've ever been a part of," Sunset muttered.

"Are we all ready?" Rarity asked. "Then, Sunset, if you'd please."

Sunset coughed. "In prison, word is you can trade two hundred cigarettes for cuddling," she said.

"Okay," Rarity said. "Rainbow Dash?"

"You can trade two hundred cigarettes for the Big Bang," Rainbow said.

Applejack snickered. "Yeah, you can get a pretty big bang in prison alright."

Rarity shook her head. "Pinkie?"

Pinkie looked around the table, an evil smirk on her face. "In prison, you can trade two hundred cigarettes for...deflowering the princess!"

"Oooooh," Applejack and Rainbow said.

"Oh, I'm so glad Twilight isn't here right now," Rarity chuckled. "Okay, Fluttershy?"

Fluttershy blushed furiously. "Shaft," she said meekly.

Rainbow, Pinkie, Sunset, and Applejack burst out laughing.

"Damn right!" Pinkie cried, banging a fist on the table.

Rarity giggled. "Okay, Applejack? Can you top that one?"

Applejack shook her head. "Nope. Ah'm just gonna dump 'police brutality' on this one."

"Okay. Fluttershy wins that." Rarity gave Fluttershy the black card.

"Okay Rainbow, you're up," Sunset said.

Rainbow took a black card. "Here's another pick two," she said. "Step one: blank. Step two: blank. Step three: Profit."

Pinkie giggled. "I like this one!"

After giving the girls a few seconds to study their cards, Rainbow pointed at Sunset. "Go!"

"Step one: A foul mouth. Step two: Media coverage. Step three: Profit."

"Can't argue with that," Rainbow said with a grin. "Rarity, go!"

"Step one: Genetically-engineered super-soldiers. Step two: Gladiatorial combat. Step three: Profit!"

Rainbow snickered. "I like that one!"

"That was pretty awesome," Sunset said.

"Okay...Pinkie! Go!"

Pinkie pursed her lips at her cards. "Step one: Charisma. Step two: Chivalry. Step three: Profit." She tossed two cards onto the table, pursing her lips and blowing air rudely.

Everyone stared at her.

"Uhh..." Rainbow said.

"Pinkie, dear?" Rarity said gently. "That...sucked."

"I KNOW it sucked!" Pinkie cried, throwing up her hands. "I keep having the suckiest possible combinations of cards when it's a pick-two!" She sighed. "I mean, I've got some GREAT cards here, but none of them work together!"

Rainbow shook her head. "Fluttershy? Go."

"Okay. Umm...step one: Insatiable bloodlust. Step two: Eating an albino. Step three: Profit?"

Everyone stared at her, jaws scraping the table.

"Hooooooly shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit," Rainbow breathed.

"Wow," Sunset said. "That...was pretty fucked up."

"Yeah," Rainbow said. She shook her head. "AJ? Go."

Applejack frowned at her cards. "Step one: Being a dinosaur. Step two: Mad hackey-sack skills. Step three...hell, ain't no profit there."

"Nope!" Rainbow agreed. "Fluttershy wins this one." She flicked the black card to Fluttershy.

"Wow, you're almost caught up to AJ," Sunset said. "Okay, Pinkie, it's your turn."

"I'll wait for everyone to get their hands in order," Pinkie said. Once the girls had all drawn their cards and rearranged their hands, Pinkie drew a black card. "Let's see...'A recent lab study shows that undergraduates will have fifty percent less sex after being exposed to blank.' Oooh, fun question!" She pointed at Sunset. "Ponychu! I choose you!"

Rainbow snorted with laughter. Fluttershy giggled.

Sunset glared at Pinkie. "Seriously. I am going to knife you one of these days."

"Awww, you love me and you know it," Pinkie said.

Shaking her head, Sunset looked at her cards. "Okay...Fifty percent less sex after being exposed to..." She grinned sadistically at Pinkie. In the best gravelly Mexican accent she could manage, she said, "My machete."

"EEEK!" Pinkie screamed, hiding behind Fluttershy. "SCARY!"

Rainbow laughed. "Dammit, I wish I'd had my phone out just now! That was priceless!" The others laughed.

Sunset ran a hand through her hair, smirking.

Pinkie sat back down. "Okay Rarity, your turn."

Rarity smothered a giggle. "Okay. Fifty percent less sex after being exposed to..." She pursed her lips. "Explosions."

Sunset snorted.

"Okay, this question's turning out to be disturbingly violent," Pinkie said. "Rainbow Dash?"

"Fifty percent less sex after being exposed to finding a skeleton."

"Laaaame," Pinkie said. "Fluttershy?"

"Umm...quiche," Fluttershy said, blushing.

"Wow, that's a really off-the-wall answer!" Pinkie said, giggling. "Applejack? What are you exposing these poor people to?"

"The glass ceiling," Applejack muttered. "Ah guess that means throwin' 'em through it?"

"That's...not what that means," Sunset said. "But I like that interpretation better."

Pinkie snorted. "Yeah...I'm giving Sunset and her machete this one," she said, tossing Sunset the card.

"Okay, next to last question of the game," Sunset said. "Fluttershy, whenever you're ready."

Fluttershy made sure everyone had drawn a white card, then drew a black card. She scanned it, and her face fell. "Oh. Um. I don't...I don't think I like this one very much."

"Like that's stopped any of us tonight," Rainbow muttered.

Fluttershy sighed. "Alright. 'Life for the Buffalo Tribe was forever changed when settlers introduced them to blank.'"

"Heh, Ah like this one just fine," Applejack drawled.

"Umm...Sunset Shimmer?" Fluttershy asked. "And...just the answer, please."

"Pulling out," Sunset said. Rainbow snickered.

"Ooh, raunchy," Pinkie giggled.

"Okay. Rarity?"

"Ominous background music."

"Rainbow?"

"Sexual humiliation."

"OUCH," Sunset said.

"Oh. Umm. Okay. You're horrible," Fluttershy said. "Very horrible. Pinkie?"

"Literally eating shit!" Pinkie declared proudly.

"Whoa," Rainbow said.

"And you're extra horrible," Fluttershy whimpered. "Umm...I'm actually afraid to hear Applejack's answer now."

Applejack grinned evilly. "Revenge fucking," she said insouciantly.

Sunset and Rainbow howled.

"Oh. My. GOD!" Sunset screamed.

"You. Did. NOT!" Rainbow whooped.

"You're all going to super extra double hell," Fluttershy whimpered. With a sigh, she gave Applejack the card. "Take it."

"Whoo-hoo!" Applejack hollered.

Sunset chuckled. "Okay. With that point, Applejack officially wins the game. She's two points over Fluttershy, and with one question left, Fluttershy can't even tie her. So...congratulations, AJ. You are the most horrible person here."

"Heheh...shucks, twern't nothin'," Applejack chuckled.

"BUT! Just for the hell of it, let's play out the last question of the round. Applejack, if you would please?"

"Sure thing," Applejack said, taking a black card. "Alright, y'all. Quickest, best answer to this: Blank. Kid-tested, mother-approved."

"Smallpox blankets," Sunset said.

"Booby-trapping the house to foil burglars," Rarity said.

"The boners of the elderly," Rainbow said.

"Stranger danger," Pinkie said.

"Panty raids," Fluttershy said, blushing.

"Man...y'all are all kinds of messed up," Applejack said, shaking her head and chuckling. She stretched. "Ah reckon Rainbow gets th' last point."

Sunset laughed. "Okay, help me put away all these cards," she said.

The girls all passed in their remaining white cards, as well as their earned Awesome Points. Sunset rounded up all the discards and sorted the cards back into decks, then put them back in the box. "This was fun," she said.

"Yes. Yes it was," Rarity said. "Let's never play this again."

"I agree," Fluttershy said, shuddering. "I've said, heard, seen, and thought some truly horrible things tonight."

"Aww," Pinkie said, wrapping her arms around Fluttershy. "Don't be saddy-waddy! It's just a silly game! None of us really think or do any of the kind of stuff in those cards!"

"Yeah, Fluttershy," Rainbow said. "The whole point of that game is to just be really big assholes for fun!" She smirked. "Besides, you enjoyed it too. Admit it."

Fluttershy sighed. "Yeah. I guess...I guess I kinda did."

Pinkie looked around the room. "Ugh, we made a really big mess!"

"Don't sweat it, Pinks," Rainbow said. "We'll help you clean up!"

"Yeah, an' then Ah think we should hit th' hay," Applejack said. "Ah'm...gettin' pretty tired."

The others chorused their agreement. Six tired girls worked swiftly to clean Pinkie's room and lay out the sleeping bags.

"Well," Sunset said. "Goodnight, girls."

"Goodnight," everyone said.

For once, Pinkie actually had her own bed to herself. All around the room, her friends snuggled into their sleeping bags. The lights were off, and the house was quiet.

Applejack was almost asleep when a pink hand reached down from the bed, grabbed her by the arm, and yanked her up onto the bed.

"Wh—hey! Pinkie! What the...?"

In the dim light filtering through the window, Applejack could see the mischief sparkling in Pinkie's sapphire eyes. Licking her lips, Pinkie purred, "You still owe me that vagina..."

Author's Notes:

FINAL SCORE:

Sunset Shimmer: 8
Rarity: 9
Rainbow Dash: 9
Pinkie Pie: 8
Fluttershy: 12
Applejack: 14

Thank you all for reading this story! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

For those of you who haven't been reading the comments: The writing process for this story was rather unusual. You see...I was actually playing a six-"player" game of CAH while writing this. I was drawing cards for all six Rainbooms, as well as the questions. None of this was scripted in advance. This entire story was me writing reactions to the cards that were actually coming up as I played. (I don't own a CAH set. I was using a text list of cards and an RNG for all draws.) Note, of course, that for some cards, I edited some of the face details to fit the Equestria Girls setting. The intent of the cards is otherwise identical to the actual game.

Here are the cards that were left in each girl's hand at the end of the game, just for grins:

Sunset Shimmer
* Carnies.
* Intelligent design.
* Friction.
* Getting in her pants, politely.
* Space muffins.
* Moral ambiguity.
* Prancing.
* Slow motion.
* A web of lies.

Rarity
* Sudden Poop Explosion Disease.
* Hope.
* Sexy conjoined twins.
* Road head.
* Riding off into the sunset.
* One thousand beef jerky sticks.
* Frolicking.
* The forbidden fruit.
* Suicidal thoughts.

Rainbow Dash
* Repression.
* Overcompensation.
* Making the penises kiss.
* Good grammar.
* Dancing with a broom.
* Take-backsies.
* A look-see.
* College.
* Exchanging pleasantries.

Pinkie Pie
* Hipsters.
* A hot mess.
* Women's suffrage.
* Apologizing.
* Overpowering your father.
* A sea of troubles.
* Fabricating statistics.
* The economy.
* Pistol-whipping a hostage.

Fluttershy
* Being fabulous.
* Appreciative snapping.
* Seduction.
* Emotions.
* Leveling up.
* Active listening.
* Scrotum tickling.
* A crappy little hand.
* Quivering jowels.

Applejack
* The harsh light of day.
* Ripping into a man's chest and pulling out his still-beating heart.
* A low standard of living.
* A nuanced critique.
* Santa Claus.
* Keg stands.
* Shapeshifters.
* Being marginalized.
* Beating your wives.
* Just the tip.