My house was almost silent.  It had been so for two weeks straight.

Somehow, this near-silence was worse than the real thing.  It was a tense, uncomfortable sort of quiet, the kind that fills a room where two people are trying very hard to not acknowledge each other.  In this case, though, it was one person and a pony.

Rainbow and I hadn’t done a story riff in half a month.  Hell, we’d barely even spoken since then.  The last riff had left us both so messed up around each other that any attempt at conversation quickly broke down into barbed remarks and hurtful words, so we just avoided it altogether.  Of course that’s never solved anything, I knew that, but somehow it was just too painful for me to bear having Rainbow against me.  Thus, we had this tense standoff between us, with our nerves only growing more raw with time.

A body can only play so much Minecraft, though, so I almost jumped out of my computer chair in glee at the first real distraction to come our way.  Thankfully, it was a biggy, and it came with a very recognizable noise.

*vworp vworp vworp  vworp VWORP VWORP*

I walked over to the window and peered out, glancing around to try to locate the source of the uncannily familiar noise of a landing TARDIS.

“Well,” I said, “At least they had the decency to land outside this time...”

I heard a knock on the door, and I suddenly realized just how different knuckles sound on a wood surface than hooves do.  Simon O’Sullivan was on the other side of that door, without a doubt.  I walked over and pulled the door open, only to goggle in disbelief at what I saw.

Outside, where I had expected to see a large, intimidating man with a flowing beard in chain mail and leather sporting more sharp metal than a dentistry school, I instead saw a large, mostly-unassuming man with barely a five o'clock shadow, decked out in a hawaiian t-shirt and cargo shorts.

“Simon?  That is you, right?”

He grinned back at me.  “You have no idea how I’ve missed this place!  You haven’t changed a thing since I was here last time.”  He gave his fuzzy chin a scratch as he looked over the room.  “Okay, save for the massive hole in the back wall, but honestly, that just had to go.”

“To be fair, you were just here a few months ago,” I replied, trying to catch up with everything my brain was telling me.  “Dear Harmony, man, how long has it been for you?”  I waved a hand at his form.  “Shaven?  I used to identify you as ‘That guy who was attached to the huge beard’.  And where’s the armor?  Are you not fighting monsters anymore?”

“Simon?  Is that you?”  Rainbow trotted over from the kitchen, trying discreetly to look around the human. “Dude, what’s up!  Is Drakkar here, too?”

“There you are, my dear friends!” he greeted Rainbow with a large smile.  “Two years have passed for me since we last saw each other, traveling worlds and dimensions.”

I grinned.  “Two years?  Wow, I’m gonna have to start keeping a diary if we keep running into each other like this in the future.”

Simon shook his head.  “Things are as crazy as usual.  Drakkar is not with me right now; his kids are a bit too demanding of attention these days, especially the newborn twins.”  I didn’t miss the way Rainbow failed to hide a pout at the news.  Simon didn’t seem to notice as his smile grew even more.  “But I did bring a companion with me.  Just fresh from our honeymoon, actually.”

“Honeymoon?  You’re married?  Dude, that’s big.  Who’s the lucky lady?”

“Lucky mare, actually.  I’m sure you know her.  Well, technically you know another her, but you know how these dimensions work...”  He leaned back around the doorway, back towards where the TARDIS was apparently parked out of our sight.  “Cup Cake, sweetie, come on over!”

My eyebrow shot up as the co-owner of my favorite sweets shop walked slowly over to Simon’s side, giving him a tender nuzzle as she glanced around at the outside of the house.  “When you mentioned we would be traveling far away, I kinda expected something the likes of the Crystal Empire, if I have to be honest.”  Something in my mind wanted to snap at the unnatural feeling of seeing a pony who wasn’t the same pony that I saw almost every day around town.  It was like I could feel the time-space continuum starting to flex dangerously just from the two versions being in such close proximity to each other.

It wasn’t the only thing I could feel, either, as Rainbow glowered straight through my back.  I tried to offer up a smile, but I was sure it came off awfully weak.  “Oh, so you married a pony, huh?  That’s cool, dude.  That’s cool.”

Simon scoffed at me in his typical good humor.  “Hey now, you’re a close second for that from what I remember last time we met, so no judging me.”

Rainbow snorted, her disapproval to that comment easily understood.

“No no, honestly, I’m not saying...”  I sighed, slapping a hand over my face in mortified embarrassment.  “You know what, just ignore me.”  I stepped forward, hoping to negate any damage I’d inflicted as I gave Cup Cake a heartfelt shake of the hoof.  “I’m happy for you two, I honestly am, and I hope you two are happy together, too.”

“Yeah, I mean, like, to each their own, right?” Rainbow muttered.

I turned and scowled at her.  “Rainbow…”

Cup cleared her throat.  “So these are the friends you have been insisting on visiting.  I recognize Rainbow Dash; who is this human?”

Simon clapped a hand on my shoulder.  “Matt’s his name, and he is a great friend of mine.  We have fought together in the past—he and Rainbow both.  I was going to say that they are a fantastic team, but I have to admit that something seems rather off here.”

I shook my head.  “Man, I’m all over the place today.  I’m sorry, Cup, I keep forgetting that I don’t already know you.  All this multiverse stuff really messes with my head.  It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Rainbow threw herself onto the couch, lounging back against the armrest as I welcomed the pair inside, closing the door.  “So, what brought you two together?” she asked.

Simon nodded, glad to reminisce.  “Long story short, I hit a dimensional vortex while traveling with the Doctor.  It threw us to an alternate dimension of Ponyville, almost identical in every way, with only slight differences in the history.  Nothing too big, but noticeable nonetheless.  We saved the day, I decided to stay vigilant on the dimension to deal with a rift that kept throwing up fanfic monsters—”  He sighed, perhaps a bit wearily.  “That’s why I hate Earth vacation periods; everyone has more free time for writing, and a lot of what comes out is horrible.”

I nodded knowingly as Cup picked up the tale.

“After several months had passed, he seemed to be rather interested in me, and he was a common patron at the bakery I own.  It didn’t take too long until he asked me out, and almost two years later he asked for my hoof.”

I thought it rather prudent to not bring up how she was married with kids—and Pinkie—in this world.

“Pretty much that, short version and all,” Simon concluded.

“Now that’s romance if I’ve ever heard it,” I said.  “So, you two just looking for some downtime, or a fic that doesn’t fight back, or what?”

“Riffing is a bit... different now,” Simon said.  “I still travel with the rest of the crew, but with Cup Cake here waiting for my return, I admit I have been more cautious and more eager to keep safe distances.  Drakkar’s a married stallion, so he understands, and the Doctor has nothing against that either.”

“Yeah,” I replied, “if there’s one thing the Doctor has ever been good at, it’s coming up with new companions when he needs them.”

“The fact that there’s still an active rift in Cup’s dimension means that I can stick around without getting too bored, but I still have plenty of time with her.  We’ve just finished resting after the honeymoon, but I miss just sitting in front of a bad story to point and laugh at it without worrying for my safety.”

Cup Cake rolled her eyes in good humor.  “Good thing I learned about that before marrying him; he has quite a… unique sense of humor sometimes.”

“Oh, I totally understand,” Rainbow chimed in.  “You should see what I have to put up with sometimes.”

“What you have to put up with?  Do you know how long it takes those bruises on my arms to fade?”  I snorted in irritation, rubbing my eyes as I tried to refocus myself on positive emotions.  “I can’t even...  Okay.  You know what?  We have been falling behind lately.  Maybe a good ol’ riffbait story will get us out of this funk.”

Cup leaned over to Simon.  “You said they weren’t a thing, but they really behave like an old married couple,” she muttered.

Simon snorted, amused.  “A fic sounds great.  What did you have in mind?”

I started to call out a fic, but stopped short as I realized my mind was utterly blank.  “...You know, I don’t even know anymore.  Rainbow, has Luna been on lately?”

Rainbow stretched her neck out, peering at the screen of the laptop that was now connected to the television by a cable.  “Um, she hasn’t been for a few days, but I think she might actually be online right now.”

“Alright, go ahead and make a call,” I said, sweeping an arm towards the couch in invitation.  “If you’ll join us?”

“Honored, as usual,” Simon replied, taking a seat on the edge of the couch and patting his lap invitingly.  I had to mentally catch myself from laughing and the sheer awkward adorableness of the gesture from someone I mostly pictured in my head as being covered in exploded fanfic demon bits.

Cup eagerly trotted over and hopped onto Simon’s lap.  “You sure you are comfortable, dear?”

“Very!”

I took the last remaining space, in the center of the couch.  I glanced at Simon and Cup trading a tender nuzzle, suddenly very aware of just how much space there was between Rainbow and I.

The call chime cut off and Luna appeared on the television, the picture fading and brightening slightly as Luna’s webcam metered the light in her chambers.  “Good afternoon,” the Princess of the Night answered.

Cup Cake gasped, trying awkwardly to bow without actually being on the ground.  “Sweet Celestia, it’s Princess Luna herself! Such an honor being in front of her!”

“Honor my flank,” I replied, scoffing at Luna.  “That psychotic mare is the reason I had to start putting up with these stories in the first place.”

Far from being offended, Luna merely stuck out her tongue at me.  “Nyah.”  We both had to laugh.  “I must admit that you were right, Matt, I much prefer this ‘Skype’ method of chatting.”

I rolled my eyes.  “I much prefer you not being able to surprise me with a video chat anymore when I’m walking around in a less-than-dressed state.”

The Princess of Trolls returned my eyeroll.  “Yes, well, as that may be, I take it you’re interested in a story to riff, since you have guests over and sitting on the couch?”

“You got it, your Highness!” Rainbow chirped, apparently all but itching for something to focus her anxious energy on.

I glanced over at our guests.  “Has Simon explained how this all works, then?”

Simon nodded a bit uncertainly.  “Uh... yeah, pretty much.  I mean, I’ve told her about my previous adventures and such.  I think she’s got the basic idea from that.”

I nodded at the warning light as it started flaring ochre.  “Well, we’re about to find out,” I said.

Rainbow pumped a hoof.  “Let’s do this, ponies!”

“WE GOT STORY SIGN!”

Matt: Is that trying to imply more chapters?  This thing was marked “complete”, I thought.

Warm water rushed up from the bottom of the tub and engulfed Fluttershy’s aching body.

Rainbow: Should we have knocked before coming in, story?

Simon: I feel like we’re missing something that would have been awesome to see.

Cup Cake: Or horrifying.  Poor Fluttershy.

Simon: I have seen Fluttershy portrayed as an expert dominatrix.  I refuse to believe she was on the receiving end unless I have foolproof evidence of it.

The mare let out a long, heavy sigh and shut off the faucet.

Simon: “Faucet?”  Alas, she’s speaking fancy!

Cup Cake: Sweetie, I use that word all the time.

Simon: That doesn’t mean I know what you try to tell me when you say it.

The steady, low beat of raindrops on the roof above her soothed her tired nerves. It was times like these, resting after a long day taking care of the animals, when she felt satisfied with life.

Matt: That is so a feeling I know.  Long showers are the best.

Rainbow: Seriously, do you ever get out of those things?

Matt: Hey, my house, my rules.  Besides, I don’t have to pay a water bill here like I did back home.

Working with wildlife was rewarding in itself,

Simon: Yeah, cleaning a stable while the horse decides to stormshit all over the place is really satisfying.

Cup Cake and Rainbow: *Stare furiously at him*

Matt: Dude, I so could have told you that was coming...

Simon: What?!  It’s true!  On Earth, horses don’t use the restroom!

but time off was always a nice bonus.

Rainbow: A day off?  Does the wildlife just stop eating?  Does she power them down in the closet for the weekend?

Eating a nice, calm dinner and then soaking in the bathroom; it was sort of like the spa trips she was fond of taking with Rarity.

Matt: Come to think of it, fanfictions do seem to have ponies spending an inordinate amount of time in water.

Simon: I think that they’re talking about another kind of trip.  Those spa ponies use some weird herbs there.

She closed her eyes to the low lights and began to drift off...

Rainbow: She drowned.  The end.

Matt: It’s like an Evanescence song up in here...

really hate when you say that, regardless of the context.

Matt: Hashtag: awkward, bro.

A loud knocking at the front of the cottage rang through the dull patter of rain. She was alert at once; looking around she couldn’t tell whether any time had passed at all in the dark room.

Rainbow: No lights at all?  Good thing she didn’t lose the soap or anything, she’d never find it again.

Cup Cake: How long has she been there?

Simon: Dunno, but she must be wrinkled as hell.

In any case, Fluttershy knew that anypony or anything coming to her at this hour had to be in some sort of trouble.

Matt: But what kind?  Legal?  Financial?

Rainbow: Parental?  Emotional?

With a disappointed moan, she unstopped

Simon: Unstopped?  Why does he insist on making up words?

Matt: I suppose you could make an argument that it technically makes sense, but...

the bath and stepped out, drying herself roughly with a quick wing shake and towel swipe. Walking through rooms quickly, she stopped to turn on some lights and check the clock.

Rainbow: Since she was still dripping wet, she was shocked by the lightswitch.  The end.

Past midnight; she’d only been inside for an hour or so. She looked through her front window but could see nothing through the rain.

Matt: Rain either comes down in wall form now, or this story is taking place in the middle of Hurricane Katrina.

Simon: They must be selling canoes out there.

She unlocked the door.

Cup Cake: The floor pushed her inside.

Simon: You already want to kill her too?

Opening it with a slow creaking noise, she peeked out into the dark.

Rainbow: Don’t do it!  This is always how the Land Shark gets in!

Nopony was there. She looked from side to side, with no better results. Hm. She closed the door and locked it again. Maybe it was just her im-

Clanging noises and hoofsteps interrupted her thoughts. They were coming from behind her.

Rainbow: The knocks are coming from inside the house!

Simon: Is Fluttershy playing knock knock jokes on herself?

Fluttershy spun around to see shadows at the back of the cottage, somepony moving around in the dark.

Matt: Wait, didn’t she just turn the lights on?

They were in her house! A frantic fear raced in her heart; who or what would sneak into her cottage in the dead of night?

Simon: Probably any of her nocturnal animals?

Cup Cake: She’s an animal hoarder in this world as well?

Simon: I think the word is “caretaker.”

She was paralyzed with terror, standing in front of the door while her mind raced uncontrollably. Maybe it was a robber, or a murderer, or something even worse...

Matt: “Hi, I’m from the Equestrian Revenue Service, and I’m here for your tax audit...”

Doors opened and shut in the shadows and behind walls.

Matt: Why are all the doors opening?  Is the ghost going through her clothes?

Simon: Where is her house built, under an indian cemetery?

Rainbow: Under?

Simon: ...I’ve seen some shit.

Cup Cake: Won’t you admit you just misspoke?

Simon: Never!

Cup Cake: *frowns*

Simon: *sighs*  Oookay, my bad.

Then she heard thumping on the stairs. It was going upstairs!

She slowly and quietly moved to the back of the cottage.

Rainbow: Yes, go further into confined spaces!  Good choice, Flutters!

Simon: Pink-haired fillies always so stupid in horror movies.

Cup Cake: Excuse me?!

Simon: You’re magenta, dammit!

Cup Cake: Hmpf… you’re learning.

Simon: Pure survival.

The window over the tub was hanging open; how could she have forgotten to lock it?

Matt: And why is somepony outside your bathroom window while you’re in the tub?

Simon: I could give you an answer, but you wouldn’t like it.

She could hear movement upstairs, opening and closing bedroom doors, lights flicking on...

Rainbow: This is the most schizophrenic ghost ever.

A part of her wanted to run, to get help, but another, even more frightened part of her was too shocked to even think straight.

Simon: So she started having lesbian thoughts?

Rainbow and Cup: *smack Simon over the head*

Matt: See, dude?  Riffing with mares is painful.

The noises started moving above her head, back towards the stairs. She was suddenly gripped in indecision and fear, and her heart beat faster and faster as the unknown intruder came closer and closer, down the stairs, around the last landing and into the light-

“Fluttershy!”

Cup Cake: How can Fluttershy see absolutely nothing but whoever this is can see her?

Simon: I don’t really question that kind of thing anymore.

“EEEEEEK!” The scared pegasus dropped to her knees and cowered. She knew this was bad, she was going to die-

Matt: Worst.  Surprise birthday party.  Ever.

Rainbow: Of all time.

“Fluttershy, it’s me, Dash.

Simon: I expected Pinkie.  I am not sure if I should be happy or disappointed.

Cup Cake: I would be angry at being scared like that.

Simon: Yes, no more butt-grabbing monster pranks, I got that when you bucked me in the stomach.

Where have you been? What’s the matter?” Rainbow Dash bent down to examine her friend. Even for her, this was sort of unusual...

Rainbow: “I mean, the last time I broke into your house at midnight and started going through all of your stuff, you were totally cool with it!”

Simon: What are friends for?

Matt: Heart attacks, apparently.

Fluttershy gradually stopped shivering and then opened her eyes a little to assure herself it was really the familiar blue flier.

Cup Cake: Was that really necessary? Couldn’t the author just say “Rainbow Dash?”

Simon: They fear using names too many times, so they make up stuff all the time.  At least there was no heavy alliteration here.

Matt: The dreaded Lavender Unicorn comes in many guises.

Her nerves calmed. Standing up, she felt herself blush at being so silly and overreacting. Rainbow would probably laugh at her, maybe wouldn’t want to come over anymore, maybe-

“Come on, Fluttershy. You didn’t answer and the front door was locked.

Matt: She had a whole eight seconds or so to respond, so I can see why Rainbow would get impatient.

Rainbow: Seriously?  Are you really going to make this a thing right now?

Matt: ... Jeez, Dash, relax.  I wasn’t even talking about you.

Simon: Uh… everything alright?

Matt and Rainbow: *give Simon a meaningful glare*

Why are you so upset?” Rainbow Dash was still looking at her.

“I, I was just scared. You came in through the bathroom window and all... I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad. I won’t be scared anymore, I promise.”

Rainbow: New, Fluttershy, with advanced Stockholm Syndrome action!  “Don’t hit me, I won’t be scared anymore!”

“Well, I’m not mad. It’s alright. I just wanted to see if you were ready to go in the morning.”

Fluttershy’s ears perked up. “In the morning? What’s happening?”

Matt: Oh, sun comes up, the air gets warmer, occasionally a pony wakes up... Same ol’ same ol’.

“We’re taking a trip, duh. Everypony but you, apparently, has been excited all week. Wait... Did you really forget? Oh, that’s just too funny!” She began to chuckle.

“Just wait until the others hear about this! You, forgetting, the vacation that was your idea in the first place, oh man.”

Simon: Okay, it’s official; we’re missing something important here!

Cup Cake: I would quite mad if somepony forgot the trip they wanted to go on.

Simon: You were taking care of my injuries back then; you wouldn’t expect me to go rock climbing with a plastered leg, right?

Cup Cake: We never made plans to go again, and I was so looking forward to it.

Simon: Okay, we’ll do something about it when we’re back, jeez!

Matt: ...

Rainbow Dash’s laughter was painful to the other mare’s already low self-esteem. She blushed more deeply than before.

Rainbow: Oh, come on, I’m not heartless!  I wouldn’t laugh at my friend like that.

“I thought that... I thought it was next week,” she squeaked.

“Didn’t anybody tell you? We moved it up because Big Mac’s birthday is the week after next. Now hurry up and start packing, we only have a few more hours until we have to leave!”

Matt: Wait, wait, stop the fic!  This needs to be analyzed.

Cup Cake: So Rainbow Dash basically laughed at her best friend in her face for not knowing about a change of plans nopony told her about?

Matt: Not basically, that’s exactly what just went down here.  Fluttershy suggested a group activity, that everypony else then changed, and expected her to know about it.

Rainbow: On top of which, they’re apparently leaving on this trip at two or three in the morning?  We were just told that it was midnight when Das—I, whatever—barged into her home.  What train runs at that time, much less who would be waiting for it for a vacation?

Matt: *glances at Rainbow*

Rainbow: *returns the look*

Matt: Yup.  This is what we’re in for, guys.

Matt: Transition drin—ah, dammit, I forgot the liquor again.

Twilight was being Twilight again.

Matt: Well, she’s had so much practice at it, why change things up now?

Simon: Maybe yesterday was Topsy Turvy Day?

While the minutes ticked by she paced back and forth at the departure platform, checking the time and staring into town with a frown. The sun was already up.

Rainbow: At three in the morning?  Either Celestia’s on a bender or this version of me has a really weird definition of “a few hours”.

It was getting late. The train was going to leave with or without them, and she for one wanted to start out their trip on schedule.

Simon: For ONE? Jesus, having sex with that mare must give anxiety. “Okay, after all my schedule is done, we have two breaks of three minutes. You better come already with an erection because I won’t be able to off you otherwise. Stick to the schedule, you know!”

Why, oh why had they not made plans to meet up the night before?

Matt: Because everypony assumed that getting Fluttershy at midnight would be warning enough?

Spike should be able to watch everything while they’re gone, right? Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were both running behind, Celestia knew what for. It had been all laid out, everypony else was ready-

Rainbow: Yeah, and then you changed the week you were going.  Dur.

“Hey! Look, there they are!” Pinkie Pie suddenly shouted out behind her.

Cup Cake: You don’t yell at three in the damn morning!

Simon: Tell that to the crazy hobo that comes late at night to scream at the square next to where I live.

Twilight turned to see the pegasi making top speed towards the depot, flying straight across town. Fluttershy was hauling a lot more luggage than Dash; that mare had never been one to pull her own weight!

Matt: First person—narrative in third—person story... *clutches his head*  Owwwwwww...

Rainbow: And on top of that, I’m not actually sure which pegasus it’s talking about.  I’m assuming it’s about me, but Fluttershy is the direct object of that sentence, so it’s... just wrong.

As the two landed, one somewhat more precariously than the other,

Simon: And THIS is where I have no idea who the author’s talking about.

she felt relieved.

Rainbow: Ewww, jeez, Twi!  The bathroom’s just right inside the station!

Matt: *scowls* Dammit, you beat me to that one...

It looked like they would be making it after all.

That’s when the whistle blew and the Manehattan Express began to pull out of the station.

Matt: Oh, comedy smash cuts, you never cease to be amusing.  I’m expecting a laugh track next.

“Buck!

Simon: I honestly can’t take ponified insults seriously. It’s like hearing threats from an Italian. They sound so sweet and goofy.

Why are they leaving?! Hey, HEY!”

Matt: It’s for horses!

Rainbow: We’re ponies, dude.

Matt: I—you—crap.  So close...

Twilight took off in the direction of the locomotive, leaving her bags behind.

Cup Cake: Even if she does stop the train, she’s going to have to get those back.

Simon: And delay the train even further.

The others exchanged surprised glances and then galloped after her.

Steam blew and tracks clattered. The Express was on full thrust.

Rainbow: Warp factor five!  Make it so!

How could they leave without them?

Matt: Very easily, it seems.

It would only have taken a minute or so to board.

Simon: Yeah, but that shit starts running at the exact time, so if you aren’t up, you’re screwed. Also, not even a warning? No classic “aaaall aboaaaaard!” or nothing?

Twilight could see the conductor watch her through a window, shrugging. How dare he!

Rainbow: *laughing*  Oh, wow.  That is stone cold.

Matt: And not a single buck was given that day.

She could see the wooden platform’s edge a few yards ahead; she only needed to go a little faster to be able to jump onto one of the cars!

Simon: Or… you know, you can fucking teleport on one of those!

She breathed heavily, her legs pounded hard, but she just couldn’t build up enough speed, and a few seconds later she flew right off the edge and into the dirt.

Matt: WAH WAH WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Rainbow: I want this made into a fan movie.  This is glorious comedy, right here.

As the platform fell out under their hooves, the other mares came to a sudden stop at the edge of the station.

Twilight pulled her face out of the ground, expression furious. No rogue train was going to keep her from this vacation! She concentrated intensely, and her horn began to glow with a passion.

Matt: Woah, I didn’t know this was that kind of a fic.

Rainbow: *cuffs Matt in the shoulder*  No.  It is not that kind of fic.  It will never be that kind of fic.  Never again.

Matt: …

Cup Cake: *discreetly looks at them*

She was enveloped in a blinding purple light and then suddenly vanished.

Simon: So now she remembers she can do that!

Matt: That might be the most true-to-canon thing so far.

She materialized in the middle of first class and immediately crashed into the back of the car.

Rainbow: Physics?  In my fanfiction?

Matt: It’s more likely than you’d think.

Simon: Especially if it results in pain for others.

Rainbow: You know what?  I’m liking seeing somepony else be the crash dummy for a change.

Startled ponies watched, mouths agape, as she slowly and unsteadily climbed to her feet.

Matt: “No ticket...  Wait, sorry, wrong movie... Oh, concussion...”

Rubbing her forehead, she turned around and stumbled off, heading for the front of the train. More than a few tea trays smashed on the floor as she half-walked, half-jumped her way through the aisle.

“Sorry. Oh, sorry. Excuse- Oh, I’m so sorry.” Twilight muttered to the confused occupants of the car over the sound of breaking china.

How could she be so stupid, forgetting the difference between her momentum and the train’s?

Rainbow: I’m not sure, but it was hilarious.

The throbbing pain in her head didn’t help her situation; it was hard to keep everything in focus.

Matt: Wow, she might actually have some significant head trauma here.  Twi?  How many hooves am I holding up?

She found herself facing the door of the car. Grimacing, she opened it and stepped into the space between cars. Her hair flew around in the wind, obscuring her view of the gap in front of her; she took a couple of steps forward, wobbling dangerously. Taking a leap of faith,

Cup Cake: Isn’t a leap of faith jumping somewhere you can’t see or to something you don’t know what it might be?

Simon: Which is… not the case here, unless you count the “mane in the eyes that I refuse to push away for some reason.”

Matt: She is pretty heavily concussed, though.  Maybe her vision really is just that shallow at the moment.

she managed to cross the space without falling.

Matt: Yeah, that gap of typically less than a foot is pretty intimidating.

Rainbow: “Hop, skip, and jump.”

She leaned heavily on the rails of the new car while catching her breath.

Rainbow: Jeez, do some calisthenics or something, girl.  You have no stamina.

Twilight had no idea how far she was from the locomotive. First class stretched for about five or six cars,

Cup Cake: Just how many rich ponies are in this Equestria?

Simon: Yeah, unless you have, like, two passengers for each car, that’s pretty excessive.

and she could be anywhere from one car away to five. She might not make it before somepony caught her without a ticket to ride. But she had to try.

Calming her heaving lungs and massaging her temples, she entered the car.

Matt: She’s about to walk right out of a window or something.  Somepony get her an ice pack.

“And you persuaded the conductor to stop and turn around, just like that?” Pinkie Pie asked incredulously.

Rainbow: “Did you seriously just skip right past the most interesting scene in the story so far?” I asked incredulously.

It was actually less persuasion and more intimidation, but what her friends didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them. “Just like that,” Twilight confirmed.

Simon: Nonono, this doesn’t work that way. She’s a princess, that should be more than enough to just make anypony say “oh, shit!” But… “turn around?” You have ANY idea how trains work?!

Matt: Is this not the pre-princess version of Purple Smart?  I haven’t seen anything about wings mentioned yet, though it would hardly surprise me if the writer forgot about them, too.

They were all sitting in first class with their luggage.

Rainbow: As a punishment for delaying the train, the staff refused to put their bags in the baggage car, like everypony else’s.

Twilight’s head and horn were lightly bandaged up, and she wasn’t going to be using lots of magic for a day or two.

Simon: I WANT to know how that happened, dammit!

Matt: No kidding!  I actually laughed picturing that last scene!  I feel freaking cheated.

Still, it had been worth it. This vacation had been in the works for a month, and everypony deserved it after all the hijinks they had been through lately.

Matt: Gee, I bet those would have been interesting to read about.

Rainbow: Hijinks?  Were they with Scooby and the gang?

“Wow! Twilight, you are so awesome! You were even willing to crash into the train for us! You know what this calls for? A PARTY!” Pinkie reached into her bag.

Simon: Here we go again.

Cup Cake: Awww, but you love our parties!

Simon: Yes, but hers have balloons.

Cup Cake: Does my rump count?

Simon: That’s the kind of question that, no matter how I answer it, I will die horribly.

Matt: Hey, is it awkward in here, or is that just me?

Oh no...

Rainbow: Aww, that’s nice, the story guessed what we were thinking.

Matt: Again with the weird internal monologue asides in a third-person story.  Who is narrating this, anyway?

Matt: Metaphorical scene transition drink!  *sighs*

Rainbow: You really don’t have anything?

Matt: I’m working on it, but at this point it’s barely distilled and tastes like varnish remover.

Simon: This story keeps throwing at me boring and/or stupid stuff, but refuses to give me the awesome stuff that is implied!  I want to see it!

The rolling countryside of Equestria ambled past in the window.

Matt: I’m so glad the story decided to describe this instead of Twilight assaulting a train conductor.

Rainbow: Hey, the train stopped and now the countryside is running around on its own.  That’s pretty interesting.

Matt: Solipsist train is best train.

Rainbow: That might be the most obscure thing you’ve ever said...

It was a long ride to Manehattan, even on the Express.

Cup Cake: Really?  I used to go there quite often; I don’t remember it being that distant.

Applejack had only walked to the city before, and the train was definitely much more comfortable.

Rainbow: You sure about that?  A train is more comfortable than walking for weeks on end?  I dunno, that’s a lot to swallow, story.

She wondered how much the Big Apple had changed since she was a filly.

Simon: How… old is this fic again?  Because they have been to Manehattan a few times already.

She wouldn’t be lonely on this trip. Not with all her friends. She smiled at the sleeping mares lying about the car.

Matt: Finally, being forced to get up at three in the morning takes its toll.

Simon: Yeah but why are we centered around Applejack at the moment?  We went from Fluttershy then Twilight and now her.

Matt: POV is for hacks, man.

Confetti and deflated balloons were strewn all around them, and more than one face was covered in chocolate cake.

Cup Cake: And know that Pinkie usually cleans all that before he workday ends.  Just imagine the poor parents who have to clean the birthday party’s leftovers when she isn’t around to do it.

Rarity would probably freak out when she woke up to discover all the icing on her pretty little snout... Applejack chuckled quietly.

Rainbow: “Crap, I hope I didn’t just think that out loud...”

Cup Cake: I can see the smile on your face, Simon.

Simon: You have eyes on the back of your head or what?

Though they might be wild every now and then, her friends were always dependable. Looking out the window again, she noticed that buildings and roads were beginning to appear.

Matt: The pop-in on this game is terrible for current-gen graphics.

Everypony awoke at once when the conductor began to talk on the intercom, his voice trembling slightly. “Attention passengers, we are almost to Manehattan terminal. Please prepare for departure.”

Rainbow: He always gets emotional when he pulls in to Manehattan.

Matt: So many memories...  So much pain...

Rainbow: Did she still think about him?

Matt: What if he has just given up on the railroad altogether to be with her?  Why couldn’t he choose?!

Rainbow:  You know what, this is a much better story.

Simon: Are you kidding?  The dust bunnies lying under the seat have a much more alluring story to tell.

“Wha- What happened?” Fluttershy rubbed her eyes.

Matt: “Tango down!  Cover me!  Johhhhnnnnyyyyyyyy!”

Rainbow: And those flashbacks are just from Pinkie’s last party.

“Don’t ya’ll worry. Everypony just fell asleep after the party, that’s all.”

“YAY! We’re here!” Pinkie rebounded off the floor with a vengeance.

Simon: “Ah, treacherous floor, this is for hitting my face last night while I was drunk.  I still am, but I remember it, and I hate you!”

Matt: Pinkie Bounce: Revengeance.  Ten outta ten, game of the year!

You could have sworn she hadn’t been sleeping just a moment before.

Simon: Not the kind of mare you can bang while she’s asleep.

Cup Cake: And you better not try it with me.

They all began to gather their bags and clean up. The train slowed noticeably; passengers in the car behind them were moving around. Squeals issued from below as the brakes kicked in, and a platform came into view in the window. When the train came to a stop just a few minutes after the announcement, Applejack dragged her suitcase to the door and pushed it open.

Rainbow: “Are you expecting me to do something about the door?  I’m just a suitcase!”

Matt: Man, those sentence objects are tricksy little buggers.

Blinding noon light flashed in her eyes.

Matt: Okay, noon.  I’ll buy that.  So that means that they were on the train for about eight hours.  Even at a generously slow average speed range of a mere 35 to 55 miles per hour, that still puts Manehattan anywhere from 280 to 480 miles away, and Applejack walked that?  As a filly?!  That’s over eight days of continuous walking at a regular pace!

Simon: And then she returned.  ON FOOT.  AGAIN!

She blinked a couple times before stepping out; the others filed out after her. They all looked around at the tall buildings and busy arrivals near the station, with ponies milling about and plasticine porters rolling luggage in every direction.

Rainbow: The porters were made of plastic?  Like ponnequins?

Matt: Wait, I saw that episode of Doctor Who.  It was pretty freaky.

“Ah, well, isn’t this nice?” Rarity exclaimed. “It looks like we’re in for a fun while on the big town!”

Cup Cake: That depends; how long were you planning on staying here?

“Well, ah, sweetie, ya see that clock up there?”

“Why, yes. What does that have to do with anything?”

“It’s past noon. Our ship leaves in thirty minutes.”

Rainbow: Manehattan, and now a ship?  Where the hoof are they going?

Everypony looked alarmed at Applejack’s announcement. “But- The train was supposed get us here by ten!” Twilight looked like she might pop.

“We were late, and ya’ll made the conductor turn around, remember?” Applejack gently rebuked.

Matt: The train got a whole hundred yards or so from the platform before it hit the brakes!  Did the conductor have to get out and push the train backwards for it to put them back by two hours?!

Rainbow Dash flexed her wings. “Let’s go then. The port is only on the other side of town.”

Cup Cake: She is quite optimistic, I will give her that.

Rainbow: As if I couldn’t make it across Manehattan in ten minutes.

The country pony rolled her eyes. “It’s a big town, R.D. And not all of us have wings!”

“Look! Look! Cabs! We can take a cab!”

Matt: Dialogue attribution.  Sometimes it’s not optional.

They turned their heads in unison the way Pinkie was pointing. Yellow carriages and rickshaws were indeed lined up on the street.

Applejack looked into her bag. “Anypony got some bits?”

Simon: Okay, you honestly can’t be serious.  Emergency money is a MUST!

The carriage careened on a corner of the sidewalk, knocking over a fruit stand and several pedestrians.

Rainbow: Obligatory fruit stand crash!  That should be a cliche in the drinking game.

Cup Cake: “Fruit Stand Crash”, huh?  I think I have an idea for Sugarcube Corner.

Applejack felt sick to her stomach.

Matt: Those poor apples!

Driving a carriage at this speed was one thing, but jostling around in the back of one while an insane cabbie crashed them through every obstacle on the narrow city roads was another.

Rainbow: ...driving?

“Feeling good back there?!” the driver yelled.

Rainbow: Apparently he was very confused, if the double punctuation is to be believed.

She said nothing.

“Yeah!” Rainbow answered.

Who would have guessed that Dash was a cab gal?

Matt: That sounds dirty—and don’t you dare hit me!

Rainbow: *hmmphs*

Simon: We’ve called each other weirder things.

Cup Cake: Ahem…

Simon: Oh, right, sorry.

Applejack could have been sure that all that flying meant she didn’t feel good on the ground. But there she was, sticking her head out the window and enjoying the breeze.

Rainbow: Now if only we could get her to stop barking at all the other taxis.

Simon: If she sticking her tongue out?  That would be cute!

Cup Cake: I don’t remember you using that word when I stick my tongue out.

She for one needed to stick her head out for an entirely different reason...

“Hey, AJ, you ok?”

Cup Cake: That’s some lame rhyming if I ever saw it.

Pinkie looked concerned as she pulled back into the carriage.

Applejack’s face was an interesting shade of green. “For now...”

In the rear window, she could see the two rickshaws carrying the rest of the gang.

Simon: Good to know they had enough money to pay for three of those.

They all looked fine, even at the breakneck pace everypony was going. One of the drivers barely managed to hold her vehicle together as it bowled over a mailbox.

Matt: Fast and the Furious: Manehattan Drift.

Rainbow: Coming never to a theater near nowhere.

Thank Celestia they weren’t sticking around for long; the damages they were incurring, never mind the speeding, could put them all back a few hundred bits.

Rainbow: The Elements of Harmony really aren’t very good role models, you notice that?

Matt: You know, my last speeding ticket put me back almost two hundred bucks.  Equestria is freaking lenient.

“There’s the port ahead!” The driver gestured with his one free hoof.

Huge ships and loading docks loomed down the street, framed by brick buildings on either side.

Matt: Are they going to have to jump the carriage into the ship as it pulls away?  Because that would be freaking epic.

Simon: Either that or they will build a catapult and fling themselves there.

Applejack’s nausea subsided for a moment. None of the boats seemed to be leaving.

She turned to Pinkie. “Well, looks like your quick thinkin’ got us out of this hitch.”

“Hitch? No, silly, this is a carriage. And we’re still in it!”

Matt: BA DUM TISH!

“Never mind.”

Rainbow: We haven’t so far, so I think you’re okay.

The driver jerked back on the reins suddenly,

Rainbow: Reins?  Reins to... what?

Matt: Is the driver driving or pulling?

Simon: Apparently there’s a pony who drives and… other ponies who run?

Matt: That is so meta.

bringing them screeching to a sideways stop just outside the port. She clutched onto her seat for a minute, and then jumped out of the carriage and onto firm, sweet ground.

Rainbow: Where she kissed the cobblestones repeatedly.

Simon: I know one of our Popes did that once.  I guess he didn’t have much faith in that airline.

Matt: Now that’s irony.

Cup Cake: That wasn’t really funny.

Simon: It still happened.

Dash hurriedly paid the cabbie, with a generous tip, and grabbed her bags. Pinkie Pie patted AJ’s shoulder sympathetically while at the same time gushing about the exciting ride. Her hyper personality obviously fit in well with the big city rush. The shaken country mare, on the other hand, couldn’t wait to get on the boat.

Matt: Well, I’m glad they had enough bits for the generous tip.  Hopefully they don’t need to rent anything else to get to the end of the world, or wherever they’re going.

Dash sighed heavily, rubbing a hoof across her forehead as the story rolled yet another transition.  “Okay, no joke, I really do need a drink or something.  I’m calling a break.  Luna, can you put this thing on pause for a few minutes?”

Luna popped back up in the corner of the screen.  “I can,” she replied as the story flickered, waving with weird, disjointed lines running through it.

“Okay, that’s weird,” I said.

Dash didn’t say anything, simply jumping up into the air and flying out the door as quickly as she could, practically slamming it behind herself as she went.

Cup craned her neck around to look at her husband.  “Honey, I have the feeling something… off is going on here between those two.”

I sighed loudly, slumping sideways onto the couch.  “I’m, like, right here, you know.”

“And I thought you were the more discreet of the two of us,” Simon said, smirking.

Cup rolled her eyes, but didn’t bother dignifying him with a reply.  “So what’s going on, Matt?  Simon said that you and Dash were doing really well.  I wasn’t expecting you and Rainbow to be all over each other like teenagers, but I certainly didn’t expect… well, this.”

“It’s that obvious, huh?  Simon, did you pick it up, too?”

The mare smiled.  “Honey, my husband here is so bad at reading between the lines that I just resigned to bluntly tell him I’m horny and want it.  But I’m a mare, dear, and I can totally see that you two are not okay.”

I facepalmed.  “That is so too much information, by the way...”  I sat back up, trying to figure out what I hadn’t been able to put words to all week.  “The problem here is that I don’t get it, either.  We’ve been like this for almost two weeks now.  The last time we did a riff together, it was super awkward because Luna screwed up and sent us a clopfic instead, and it just... I dunno.  We’ve barely spoken to each other since then.  Every time I try to make conversation, Dash ends up sniping at me, and we get into some huge fight that isn’t even about anything!  Hell, I don’t even know what she’s mad at me for!”

Cup hmmmed thoughtfully.  “Maybe I should talk to her and try and chew it a bit for you.  Sometimes a mare just needs another mare to talk to.”

Simon nodded his agreement.  “Can’t hurt to try.  The sooner we fix this problem you two have, the sooner everything will come back to normal.”

“Whatever normal is these days...” I said unhappily.

Far sooner than I had anticipated, the door began to rattle as the latch was worked slowly and awkwardly.  I was about to go over and see what was up when the door finally opened and Rainbow fluttered in, both her front hooves filled with a pair of large cider bottles.

“Okay, I got us something,” she announced.  “Maybe it’ll get us through this thing.”

I got up, not really sure if I was happy she was back or upset at our little roundtable session being interrupted before I’d been able to figure anything out.  “I’ll grab some glasses.  Anything for either of you two?  Cider’s not really all that powerful, but it’s still worth the effort.”

The yellow-coated mare shook her head.  “It’s alright; I’m not that much of a drinker myself.”

“Yeah, I drink enough for the two of us,” Simon said with a belly laugh.

His wife snorted.  “Only for two?”

“I might get tipsy sometimes, but never enough to get drunk; you know I don’t like going that far.”

I shrugged and headed for the kitchen, returning with a trio of glasses for us to use as Rainbow started divvying out the alcohol.

“Okay, Princess, we’re back,” Rainbow said, suddenly reminding me that the princess had been listening to our conversation the entire time Dash had been gone.  I tried to resist suddenly blushing.  “Let’s finish this thing.”

Matt: Transition drink!

Rainbow: Freaking finally!

“What do you mean, there’s no more room on board?!”

“I’m sorry, Ms. Dash, but we simply cannot berth any more passengers,”

Matt: This sailor was shipped in directly from the 1800s, it seems.  Nice word choice there.

the sailor explained. “Captain’s orders.”

Simon: Okay! Hold on! NO! It’s CRYSTAL CLEAR that they have already booked tickets on the damn thing!  How is this even possible?

Matt: You ask that, but I’m pretty sure that American Airlines overbooks every damn flight they have.

Rainbow Dash gave a quick, angry look back at the others, who were mouthing to her their agreement with the crewmember. No. She would not back down after they had come all this way. They were getting on that boat.

Cup Cake: Even if it involves breaking the law?

Simon: Especially if it involves breaking the law!

Rainbow: So... we’re following my POV now?  I really wish this fic would just pick one and stick with it.

She turned back to the sailor, her expression softening a bit.

Matt: That Manehattan summer sun will just make ya melt, I tells ya.

“Look, we just want to take our trip. What if...” She saw their large pile of luggage in the corner of her eye.

“What if we leave some of our bags behind?” She ignored the surprised noises behind her.

Rainbow: How does that help the trip?

Matt: Maybe all those emergency bits will cover additional toiletries, too.  Good thing they don’t have to pack clothes.

Rainbow: Speaking of which, just what is in all those bags anyway?  Or are they all just for Rarity?  Because I’d totally believe that.

“Well... I suppose, I would have to talk with the captain...”

Simon: Where are the adamant orders of the captain now?

Rainbow pulled out a handful of bits.

All: HOOFful.

“And we give a little extra fare?”

The sailor took a short glance around, then scooped the money out of her hand.

All: HOOF.

“Welcome aboard, ma’am.”

Cup Cake: Bribing?

Simon: Bribing!  I know they don’t earn fortunes, but damn, disobeying a direct order from his superior?  How much did she give him again?

Matt: It’s good to know that this shipping company works on the same principles as African military.  Or African police.  Or basically anything else in Africa.

Simon: You know I live in Africa, right?

Matt: Prove me wrong, Silent Bob.

Simon: You know I can’t, and that’s part of what infuriates me.

Giving a triumphant look behind her, and picking up her small toiletries bag, she stepped onto the deck of the Sea Stripes.

Rainbow: I’m pretty sure Pinkie sells Sea Stripes bubble gum at Sugarcube Corner.

The cruise ship filled mostly with middle-aged ponies and a few giggling adolescents, as far as she could tell.

Matt: Giggling?  Did they sneak on board or something?

Simon: Part of me is praying for this to be the Titanic of Equestria.

Matt: ... Premonition accepted.

Her friends joined her on deck, some grumbling about losing their luggage more than others.

Matt: *cough*Rarity*cough*

She knew that were secretly admiring her though, amazed at her smoothness at negotiation and epic skills.

Rainbow: Well, clearly they’ll have to get in line behind me to admire me.

Cup Cake: Considering we don’t really wear clothes that often—

Simon: Which I really appreciate, by the way.

Cup Cake: *rolls her eyes* Even with that, I’m surprised to think what in the world they’re bringing with them that requires so much luggage.  I mean, Rarity?  Understandable.  But the others?

She’d like to see one of them get them past a bind like that!

Rainbow: Rarity fought off a battalion of Diamond Dogs using nothing but her voice.  I’m pretty sure she could have gotten on that ship if she wanted to.  The porter probably would have paid her, too.

A voice came on over the loudspeakers. “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlecolts, this your captain speaking. We are almost ready to embark on our cruise; please make your way belowdeck so that we may undock.”

Matt: “Undock.”  Again, technically accurate, but it sounds wrong in almost every way.

Rainbow: Are you describing that word, or the whole fic?

Simon: Using obscure words doesn’t make you a better writer.  There must be a sticker with that somewhere.

Matt: There will be after I get to wordpress.com, anyway...

Rainbow: Drinking time!

Matt and Rainbow: *take large swigs of cider*

Matt: *wipes off his mouth with the back of his hand*  Man, this story sure is generous with the scene transitions.  As much as I’d like to know what’s going on, I really appreciate all the drinking breaks.

Simon: Same here.  I don’t mind some flourish words, but using too many odd words actually alienates readers.

Ah. This was the life.

Rainbow: Says who?

Matt: Are you arguing?

Rainbow: No, seriously!  Whose head are we in this time?

Cup Cake: That is actually a good question.  I am assuming that somepony we haven’t seen through yet.

Relaxing in the sunshine, sipping a nice cool drink, enjoying a well-deserved hooficure...

Simon: Rarity?

Rainbow and Matt: Rarity.

Rarity was made for this. She had needed a vacation for so long, what with all the work she did.

Simon: Considering that I think she basically is the pony that keeps the spa up and running, I’m surprised she needs any sort of holidays.

 Twilight was enjoying the same ministrations she was; they were both sitting on the luxury deck

Rainbow: It was a tough call between that or the “flesh-eating eels” deck.

and making idle conversation about what they would do upon their arrival at Canteroon.

Matt: Canteroon.  That’s a thing that just happened.

Simon: As in… where the fuck are they going? What human equivalent is this a pun of?

Matt: Cancun.  Which is actually pretty shitty, considering how it’s clogged up with nothing but tourists.  Either that, or it’s supposed to be Cameroon, which I’m pretty sure is still an active war zone.

“I can’t wait to hear the music,” Twilight sighed. “It’s supposed to be very interesting.”

“And the cuisine! It’s to die for!”

Simon: Considering you almost did several times throughout this fic, I will believe it.

Rainbow: It’d better be.

“Mm-hm. Oh, only a few more days... It’ll be the best vacation ever!”

Matt: So, just to be clear, this cruise?  Not the vacation.  Glad we cleared that up.

Rarity lowered her sunglasses for a moment to watch Pinkie score an incredible power spike against Fluttershy. That mare really knew her volleyball. Settling back into her seat, she wondered what Applejack and Dash were doing belowdeck...

Matt: BOW CHICKA—

Rainbow: *smacks Matt right in the side of the head*  Will you give it a rest already?!

Matt: Oh, come the fuck on!  That was ideal!

Cup Cake: Dash, sweetie, we’re going to have a talk later.

When the hooficurists finished, they lay in the sunshine for a few more minutes before Rarity became bored.

Simon: Honey, are hooficures really THAT thrilling?

Cup Cake: They’re actually pretty boring, if you ask me.

There really wasn’t much to do on the cruise, other than relax, talk, play deck sports, or take advantage of the endless buffet.

Matt: Sounds like a freaking nightmare.  How will they cope?

Simon: For several days?  Screw everything!  I’m walking the plank!

She’d heard both Twilight and Rainbow complain of not having their books to read; it was ironic that Rainbow had been the one to make them leave their bags behind.

Rainbow: Welp, that just cleared up why there were so many bags to start with.

Matt: Good ol’ Purple Smart.

What she really needed was to work on something...

“Hey, Twilight-”

“...”

Matt: *throws a yellow flag at the TV*  Foul!  Illegal ellipsis in spoken narrative!  Fifteen yards, and replay the sentence!

Her friend’s eyes were closed and she was making low snoring sounds.

She decided to go explore the ship on her own. Leaving the others to enjoy the last few minutes of daytime,

Cup Cake: The ship was supposed to begin the trip at noon. How long have they been there doing nothing?

she made her way belowdeck and wandered around the crew area.

Rainbow: All of those “crew only” signs were clearly meant for somepony else, after all.

Simon: After bribing your way in, the last thing you want to do is start walking around restricted areas.

Here were bunks, the kitchen, the storerooms- Aha! The captain’s quarters. Lights were on inside the small room, so she quietly stepped up and laid her ear to the door.

Matt: I’ve been bored before, but this is some next level boredom when you decide to go snoop on the ship’s crew.

“-size, Captain. We’ve thrown over as much weight as we can, but in the past few hours the situation in the bilge has grown worse.

Rainbow: “We put up a sign asking the passengers to stop taking dumps in it, what more can we do?”

She’s sitting very low in the water and there’s a storm coming.”

Matt: Holy shit, Simon, you called it.  I can’t even right now.

Simon: I should stop making jokes about the worst possible thing that comes to mind; they keep becoming true!

Matt: Quick!  Joke about me having a million dollars!

Cup Cake: He joked about me getting pregnant, and it hasn’t happened yet.

Simon: I know your version here has twins, but let’s enjoy our married life a bit longer before thinking about that.

Matt: There’s, like, so many things wrong with that, chromosomally...

“I don’t understand. How could this happen? I know we’ve taken on a large amount of passengers, but we were within the load-”

Rarity made a small, frightened sound and immediately covered her mouth.

“... Did you hear that?”

She ran.

Rainbow: She ran so far awaa-aa-aayy.

Matt: But she just couldn’t get away.

Matt: Everypony knows the drill by now!

Matt, Rainbow, and Simon: *chug*

Everypony was gathered around Rarity; the gang was all sitting in their suite.

Cup Cake: No wonder this thing’s sinking, if they’re packing six ponies into every suite.

Worried looks and expressions of disbelief were on all their faces.

Rainbow: They wouldn’t go away no matter how many times they tried to shoo the looks and expressions out of the window.

Matt: Passive voice, people.

They were quiet for a moment.

“Are you sure, Rarity?” Twilight whispered.

“Positive. They sounded scared. I only heard a bit, but we’re definitely in trouble.”

Simon: Is this going to be one of those misunderstandings because they only heard PART of a conversation, ignoring REALLY important parts?  Because that’s really overused, and I will be mad if I got that right again!

Rainbow hung her head. “This is all my fault. If I had just listened to you all and we had stayed in Manehattan-”

Simon: I don’t think ANYPONY wanted to stay in Manehattan.  Wasn’t Canteroon the goal of the trip?

Matt: I’m just waiting for the first pony to call another one “lard-butt” and blame them for putting the ship over the weight limit.

“Now, Rainbow, don’t be so hard on yourself,” Fluttershy assured her. “We’re going to get through this.”

Applejack looked resigned. “I guess we’ll have to abandon ship, then. For the good of everypony else.”

Matt: Wait, I know this story.  They’re all going to get swallowed by a whale and spend three days and three nights in its belly, right?

Rainbow: I think you might have a few stories just slightly mixed up there.

Her words resounded in their minds. It was an inevitable conclusion.

“There’s lifeboats on deck. Maybe we can take one of those!” Pinkie Pie suggested.

Rainbow: Mares and foals first!

Matt: Just behind the captain!

“That sounds like a plan. Any other ideas?” inquired Twilight.

Nopony answered.

“It’s set then,” Twilight wore an expression of determination. “Let’s go steal a lifeboat.”

Rainbow: I don’t remember the girls having quite this reckless disregard for the law before.

Matt: Rebels without a clue.

Cup Cake: I think the moment Twilight assaulted a train conductor was when I stopped thinking of them as the real ponies I’ve met.

Matt: Yeah, if you try to assume that they’re the same, you can end up in some real trouble.

Rainbow: *mutters darkly*

Matt: Last transition, everybody!  Bottoms up!

“Hey!” Rainbow hissed at nopony in particular. “Watch it!”

“Sorry,” Applejack and Fluttershy said at once.

They were all crowded in the lifeboat,

Simon: Oh, come on! Those things are huge!  They are supposed to be enough of them and big enough to save ALL the passengers AND the crew!  You know, to prevent shit like what happened in the Titanic from happening again!

Matt: Well, Rarity refused to leave her bags behind, so here we are.  Granted, the cruise ship is definitely lighter now without all her luggage on board.

holding on to the rails and their supplies. Pinkie made one last mental check, making sure everything was ready. Her candy, blanket, balloons...

Rainbow: Some of these things are not like the others.

Simon: Why didn’t the inflate all the balloons to lift the ship?  I mean, if we’re going for the realm of impossibility...

“Everypony okay? Ready?” Twilight repeated.

This time they all agreed. “Yes!”

Twilight unfastened the rope with her magic and they immediately fell. Pinkie felt her stomach lurch upwards, and everything blurred for a moment while her ears were filled with screams.

Cup Cake: Are we lowering a boat or are we in a theme park ride?

Then they hit the water, hard, and then everything was quiet.

Rainbow: Everypony was dead.  The end.

The ship drifted away through the night, apparently oblivious of their departure. The lifeboat sailed on, moving up and down on the waves. They all watched as an oncoming storm bore down from the sky.

“Well, what do we do now?” Rainbow asked.

Pinkie felt a smug smile creep onto her face. “Let’s party.”

Matt: It’s the end of the world as they knew it, and Pinkie feels fine!

Matt: ONE FOR THE ROAD!

The End

Rainbow: Oh, empty night, they really did all die...

Matt: And it was the end…

Cup Cake: So… do they make it to Canteroon?  Do they not?

Simon: Don’t lose your sleep over it, sweetie.

Matt: Yeah, depending on the tides, I’m sure at least parts of them made it to shore eventually.

The story faded to black in its typical format, and Luna reappeared on the screen.  “Well?” she asked.  “On a scale from one to ‘suicide’, how bad was it?”

Rainbow shrugged, nonplussed.  “We’ve seen worse.  Parts of it were actually really funny, for what that’s worth.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, “if only those had been intentional, or not just skipped over by the story entirely.  I swear, this whole fic is like a bad episode—”  I froze, slowly facepalming as clarity dawned on me.  “Buck me, I just figured out the title,” I muttered.

Simon gave me a confused look.  “You mean the leg one part?  I’m afraid I don’t follow you.”

“No, The Tour,” I sighed.  “It’s a three-hour tour, if you catch my drift.”

Rainbow and Luna went silent, digesting this new idea.  “So...” Luna finally offered, “does that mean that Pinkie is Gilligan?”

Simon frowned.  “I… think I know what you’re trying to say, but I have never watched that show.  I don’t think it even aired where I came from.”

“I’ll grant you, if it is an allusion to Gilligan’s Island, then this story just jumped from ‘mediocre slice-of-life tale’ to ‘brilliant and wickedly subtle parody’,” I said.  “I’m just not sure I’m ready to give the author that kind of credit.”

Cup slid off of Simon’s lap, getting to her hooves as we began to move around a bit more.  “Simon has told me about a lot about riffing before, but being here myself was quite an experience.  I’m still not sure if it’s good or bad. Just… very different.”

“The fics might not grow fangs and attack here,” Rainbow replied, “but it's just as important for us to beat them back.”

Luna consulted her screen, staring off from the webcam’s eye.  “Well, the readings here show that this fic has been neutralized.  Well done, everypony!  I’ll see you again soon for another story!”  The connection cut as Luna ended the Skype call, the screen slowly fading back to an unpowered black.

I yawned, stretching my limbs out.  “That wasn't too bad.”

Simon agreed.  “Not the worst I’ve seen, but I kinda expected them to reach Canteroon at least.  I kinda feel cheated here.  It’s like playing a game where the end boss is hyped the whole game, but you never fight him in it.”

“Well, sometimes the ending really isn't worth getting to,” Rainbow said quietly, her voice dark.

I gave her a sideways glance, torn between pity and utter frustration.  “You know, why don't I go clean these up...” I said, deciding to dodge the issue entirely.  I gathered up the glasses and empty bottles and started carrying them all off towards the kitchen.

Simon climbed to his feet, offering his wife a wink.  “Let me help you with that.  You just rest here for a bit, dear.  Your first riff always takes it out of you.”

Cup gave him a knowing nod of thanks and sat back down on the couch, waiting until we had left the room and made it out of earshot.

“Rainbow Dash, sweetie, what’s bothering you?”

Rainbow snorted.  “Who says anything's bothering me?”

Cup Cake gave the younger mare a wry look.  “With age comes wisdom, dear, though it’s not exactly hard to tell.  I’ve heard my husband talk wonders about Matt and you, but you seem so… passive aggressive to each other.  Honey, Simon has noticed, and you have no idea how troublesome it is for him to figure these sorts of things out.”

“Yeah, yeah, fine, whatever...” Dash said, finally giving in.  She jumped back up to flop on the other end of the couch.  “I don’t know what it is, I just feel so... uncomfortable around him lately.”

“Well, what’s changed?”

“I dunno,” she said unconvincingly.  “There was this story we did, and I—we’ve done tons of stories before, but this one just messed me up so bad.  I think it messed him up, too.”

Cup frowned, concentrating on Dash.  “What kind of story was it?”

“It...  It was a clopfic.  About me.”

“You know it wasn’t actually about you, dear, right?”

“Of course I know that,” Dash huffed.  “It’s sort of a game we play.  It was a second-pony story, and I thought it would be fun to pretend the story was about Matt, just to see how he liked being projected on.  It was just supposed to be fun, but we didn’t know that it was going to end up being a sex story until it was too late to do anything about it.”

Cup leaned in, trying to be comforting to the obviously distraught pegasus.  “So, you pictured yourself with Matt?”

“Yeah...”  Rainbow nodded, biting her lower lip anxiously.  “And, well...”  She swallowed hard.  “I kinda, sorta... liked it.”

The older mare cocked her head to the side.  “Do you feel like you should be ashamed of it?”  Rainbow nodded slowly.  “Dear, it’s not such a big deal as that.  For what it’s worth, I’m sure Matt enjoyed thinking about it as well.  I know Simon and I haven’t had any problems being married to each other.”

Dash frowned.  “Yeah, see, that’s sort of weird, too, seeing you two here right now.  I mean, I don’t want to sound mean or anything like that, but I just don’t know how I feel about ponies and humans... you know.”

“Do you think it’s wrong for a pony to love a human, dear?”

“I—I don’t really know.  I mean, Matt’s easily my best friend outside of the girls, and I’d hate to put him in some kind of weird situation.”  Rainbow blushed, twiddling her hooves as she looked away from Cup Cake.  “Every so often I think about it, and it really doesn’t seem so bad at the time, but I just don’t know how he feels about it.  I mean, he seemed kind of weirded out by that fic.”

Cup Cake furrowed her brow.  “Did he say he was upset by a pony and a human having sex specifically?  It could very easily be something else.  I mean, if this was hardly the worst story you two have done, I can’t imagine a story that bad would handle something like sex gracefully.”

“I—I don’t know...”

Cup scooted in, putting a gentle hoof on Rainbow’s shoulder.  “Rainbow, dear, let me give you a few... observations I’ve made.”  Dash nodded.  “First, human males aren’t all that different from Equestrian males.  They still crave affection and love the same way a pony does.  And secondly, think about this from Matt’s perspective.  If he’s really disgusted by the idea of loving a pony, wouldn’t he have said something by now?  I mean, he’s the only human in this world.  What other options does he have?”  Rainbow froze slightly as the weight of that thought sank in.

“Finally,” Cup continued, “he’s still a male, dear.  They don’t bring up topics like feelings and love quickly, if ever.  If you’re wondering, if you think you might like him even a little bit, you should talk it over with him.”

Rainbow shifted uncomfortably, suddenly very occupied with the feathers on one of her wings.  “It’s not like I get to feelings very quickly either...”

Cup smiled.  “Okay, then let that lay until you’re sure.  But you absolutely need to talk about what’s bothering you, and at least know for sure where he stands and what’s upsetting you both.  He’s already said that he misses you.  He just wants to be around you without both of you being so on edge and uncomfortable, and that won’t happen until you get this all out into the open.  You’re not shy, Rainbow Dash, you can do it.”

Rainbow closed her eyes, nodding slowly.  “I know.  Thanks, Cup Cake, I did need to hear that, I guess.”  She chuckled.  “It’s so weird to think that I’ll see you soon and you’ll have no idea we even had this conversation in the first place.”

Cup smiled warmly.  “It’s my pleasure, Rainbow.”

Simon and I walked back over as soon as we noticed the girls’ conversation wrapping up.  Simon put an arm around his wife.  “Well, that was a lot of fun, but I suppose we should move on.  We have a home to set up, after all.”

Cup nodded happily.  “Oh, that will be fun.  Thank you both so much, dears.  I had a great time, and it was so nice to get to meet you both.”

I smiled.  “It was, and of course, you’re welcome back anytime you can make it.”

I glanced back at Rainbow to see her giving the couple an easy smile I hadn’t seen the likes of in weeks.  “Thanks, you two.  Please come back sometime.”

After a few more rounds of goodbyes, I closed the door behind the couple, listening silently with my eyes shut to the sound of a TARDIS powering up and leaving.  I turned around, coming face to face with Rainbow.

She stood awkwardly, staring into my eyes in silence.  I met her gaze as best I could until she finally shifted her weight and rubbed her neck with a hoof.

“Hey, can we talk?”

-fin-

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