Login

Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human

by pjabrony

Chapter 65: 62: Derps Well With Others

Previous Chapter Next Chapter

Karyn looked out the window at the people walking through the quad. “I pity them actually. It’s so hot out there. Everyone should get in to the air conditioning today. Derpy, with your fur coat it would be even worse for you.”

“I never really notice. If I remember right, ponies have ways of regulating heat different from you. I think it’s because more of our bodies are farther away from our heads that we don’t feel it as bad.”

Karyn didn’t think that was accurate, but indulging Derpy in her view of the world was usually worth it. “In any case, there’s no mistaking it. Summer’s coming.”

Derpy nodded idly as her thoughts drifted. It took her a minute to make the connection. “Does that mean you’ll be going home again for the summer?”

“It does. Back to the park and the outings with my parents and all that. But we’ll make it through the same way we did last year.”

“You bet!”

Karyn looked over toward her computer. She had tidied as best as she could, but there was still a mass of papers and books, and she had dreaded Derpy’s reproach. “Unfortunately, in the short term it means I have to focus on all the final exams and reports I have.”

“Oh, right. That’s the nice thing about carrying the mail. It’s not seasonal. Well, sometimes there’s more or less, but never any one piece that matters more than another.”

“Another few years and I’ll be working. Then I’ll be right there with you. Actually, I’m not so scared of it as I once was, but I’m just eager to get it over with.”

Derpy looked at her with concern. “Don’t be too hasty to get out of school. Everypony I know says that, when they look back, it’s the best time of their lives. I tell Dinky that all the time.”

“I hear that too. But I think it’s because I’m friends with you who runs her own life that makes me that way. All of my other friends are going to school just like me.”

“And you’re my only friend that’s going to school. Maybe that means that I should go back and try to get into the Wonderbolts again or become a scholar.”

Karyn laughed at that. “Are you serious?”

“Nah. Book learning was never my strong suit.”

“Well, you’ve got plenty of others. But I have been doing well at school. I think I have to. Mom and Dad would kill me if I didn’t.”

She smiled to let Derpy know that she too was joking, then sat down at her desk. “Look here,” she said. “I’ve recorded all my grades from all the tests I’ve taken, plus the homework assignments. In two of the classes, even if I were to get a zero on the final, the average would still be passing.”

“Cool! So you can take those days off?”

“Well, it would be a C-minus or a D grade, and that would affect my overall standing. I won’t break my brain studying for them, but I will make the best effort.”

Derpy scanned the mélange of work both on Karyn’s desk and her computer. “I guess I can understand. There are so many more humans than there are ponies. Going to work is so different. Or maybe it’s just because Ponyville is a small town. But everypony there seems to know each other. If somepony wants a job, the pony hiring them knows if they’re smart or strong or what their qualities are. I guess it helps to be able to make it a number here, when the humans don’t know each other as well. But I like our way better.”

“Derpy, you are wise beyond your years.”

“And I’m sure your numbers are going to look great.”

Karyn pointed to the sheet she had written of all her grades. “I’m fully confident about all of these tests. But I also have two projects due. This one for software engineering is easy too. I actually prefer that one to having a test. I can do all the work ahead of time and then not worry about it.”

“Got it. Projects are better than tests.”

That project is better than a test, because I can handle it all myself. The other one is for my infrastructure class. That’s a problem because it’s a group project.”

“Why should that be a problem?” asked Derpy. “I think that to do a project together would be a lot of fun!”

“Of course you do. And in Equestria it would be, because everypony would understand their role and help out. They have that instinctive togetherness and friendship.” Seeing Derpy’s expression, she walked back. “All right, maybe it’s not instinctual. The point is, a group project is always two assignments in one. You have to not only solve the problems they give you, but solve the problems of getting a group to work together.”

“Maybe if you tell me about the problems, we can solve them.”

Karyn huffed. “All right. Now, if I try to make decisions, to spearhead the team, then I’ll wind up with everyone thinking I’m bossy. Especially with men. I don’t care how enlightened they think they are, as soon as they see a female making decisions for them, the testosterone comes raging out. But if I don’t, then everyone suspects that I don’t actually intend to do any work, and just want to free-ride on everyone else.”

“Why would they think that?”

“Because there always is someone on the project who really is like that. All right, Derpy. Those are the social dynamics of a college group project. What’s your solution?”

Derpy put her hoof to her cheek and looked up. For a long time she spoke in “hmm”s and “uh”s. Then finally, she looked Karyn in the eye and said, “Why don’t you tell me what the project is? I could be better help on that.”

Karyn decided to let her off the hook. “All right. So, basically it’s a simulated problem like we would have working for a company. We have to pretend that we’re working and a new software upgrade comes out. At the same time, we’re moving one of the offices to a new building. The assignment is to write up a plan of action, showing all our steps and how we’ll handle the problems we anticipate.”

“I see….Go back to talking about how bad the group is. I know I can help fix that.”

Laughing, Karyn closed the window with her grades displayed and opened another. “Most of our meetings have been online. We use the free videoconferencing software so we can see each other or else we just start a group chat. It’s a lot easier to work around everyone’s schedules that way.

“So here’s our first chat log. One advantage of the chats over the conferencing is that I can take a record of what everyone said.”

“Just like when you were secretary in the student council!”

“Yeah, maybe that’s my niche,” said Karyn. “Although maybe I can record the conferences too. They must have podcasting software or something…

Derpy stopped paying attention as she read through the log. The technical details were beyond her, but she could see the dynamic of the group, especially knowing Karyn and hearing what she said. To Derpy’s mind she was the most intelligent of the four speakers. “I think that even talking over the computer isn’t good enough. You need to make these other people meet together in the same room.”

“What for?”

“Because the way I’m seeing it, they’re all ignoring the responsibility and trying to put off doing the work.”

“Oh, Derpy,” said Karyn. “I don’t think you’re being charitable. They’re not bad people.”

“No, but I know that if I had to plan out a mail route at home instead of getting in to work and having to look at a map with other ponies, I would do a half-hearted job.”

“Maybe you’re right. It’s not so much that we have a problem with the online communication, but that the face-to-face meeting would be an advantage, and that could lead me to an A.”

She made one more window switch and brought up her calendar. “Now, let’s see. When would be a good time to arrange this meeting?”

“How about right after lunch?”

“Today?”

Derpy grinned. “Of course! What, were you thinking of scheduling it later in the week?”

“Yes, but I wasn’t trying to put off the work myself.”

“Of course not, but how do you expect me to show up if you do it when I’m at work?”

“That’s a very good question. I suppose that I could say that I wasn’t expecting you to show up at all, but that would be silly of me, since every time I do something new or different, you make a point of showing up. And since it always works out in the end that you’re not discovered, I suppose there’s no answer, and I should contact the rest of the group.”

Satisfied, Derpy nodded. “Now, take me through each member of this group so that I can see their strengths and weaknesses.”

“You want to do that?”

“Sure! It’ll be just like when they let me be team leader at the post office.”

Karyn swiveled in her chair. “They did? How did it go?”

“Great! We didn’t misdeliver a single piece of mail.”

“Wow. You really are good at your job.”

Derpy looked at the ground and swung her hoof. “It did take four days, but we got out all that day’s mail.”

“I see.” Karyn brought up the assignment sheet given to her by her professor. “All right, here’s the first guy, Peter. He’s our group leader.”

“That rhymes.”

“So it does. He’s a nice guy, but I don’t think he wanted to be in charge. You can’t tell from those logs, but there are a lot of pauses where it seems like he’s waiting for someone else to pick up the baton and run with it.”

Derpy was looking at the paper and didn’t turn to face Karyn. “You need a baton for this project of yours.”

“Sorry, forgot who I was talking to and used an aphorism. He wants someone else to talk. Now here’s Nadia,” Karyn said, moving her finger down to the next name. “She’s not on the same education track as the rest of us. She’s going into business management, but she thinks that it’s important to stick her toe into—I mean, to learn a little about every subject, not just hers. Peter put her in charge of the section that deals with moving the office.”

“But what do you think of her as a person?”

“I could see us becoming friends. Maybe it’s because we’re the only two girls on the group. It’s not like Equestria where being female is normal.”

Derpy scowled. “Hey, just because all of our rulers, our main line of defense against evil, our wealthiest and smartest, and our most famous ponies are all mares doesn’t mean that being a stallion isn’t normal!”

“Right. Well, anyway, the other guy is Keith, and if I could get rid of one of the team, he’d be the guy.”

“Why? What’s the problem?”

“What isn’t the problem?” said Karyn. “He’s lazy and he doesn’t want to do anything. He complains when we do ask him to do things. What he does produce is slipshod and sometimes has out-and-out mistakes. If he does any kind of research, it consists of him going to Wikipedia and copying their articles. Maybe, if we’re lucky, he’ll copy the citation as well. Oh, and he smells.”

“Well, if you don’t like him, I probably won’t either. But call everyone and let’s get them over here.”

Karyn turned on her IM program and sent messages to the other members of her group. She hesitated and took a deep breath before pressing Send on the message to Keith.

Since no one responded immediately, Karyn sat and chatted with Derpy, and got to put all her work out of her mind for a few minutes. Then the computer beeped.

“It’s Nadia. She wants to know why we can’t do it over the net. What do I say?”

“Let me take care of it.” Derpy rooted through her bag for the spell that let her type on the keyboard. She spoke as she typed. “I think that if we get together, we can finish the whole thing today. Then we won’t have to worry.”

Karyn waited anxiously. She read off the next message. “’What time?’ Well, we need to find out from everyone else when they’re free, don’t we?”

“No, just suggest something. It always just goes around in a circle when you ask.”

“Two hours from now?”

“Don’t ask me,” said Derpy. “I’m always going to be ready.”

To Karyn’s surprise, Nadia agreed readily. At the same time, Peter responded that he was available all day and agreed that a face-to-face meeting would be best.

“I don’t believe it. This is actually working out, it seems.”

“See? I do know a few things.”

They had to wait another half hour for Keith to respond, and when it did it was with, “Sorry. Saw ur msg but was playin my MMO lol.” Karyn gritted her teeth. “I don’t mind text speak, but come on, dude, you barely know me! You should ask about stuff like that first. See, this is why he annoys me.”

Derpy was all business. “Tell him about the meeting.”

“All right, all right.” The process was long and arduous, as Keith tried to find excuses not to come to the meeting. At one point she turned to Derpy and said, “Can’t we just do this as a three-person meeting? The three of us will be the only ones accomplishing anything anyway.”

“No, you can’t. He’s a member of your team. You can’t leave him behind.”

Karyn rolled her eyes and pressed on. A moment later, she said, “He’s agreeing to the meeting, but he doesn’t want to go to the library or even leave the dorms.”

“Great! Ask him to host the meeting.”

She typed some more. “He says that his place is too much of a mess. Puh-leease, Derpy!”

Derpy just stared.

“Oh, no.”

“You know what you have to do.”

“You’ve got to be kidding!” Karyn said, but she typed back, “Fine. Do you want to come over here?”

“Is it all right?”

“Yes. He’s guaranteed to be the last one here. Peter is a guy, but even if he shows up first he’ll know Nadia is coming soon after. No one will try anything untoward.”

Derpy said, “Now, I know you’re ticked at Keith, but he does have one point. You should clean your dorm room for everyone.”

“I? You’re the one behind this. You can clean it!”

Derpy was all too happy to do the cleaning, but Karyn gave in and helped out. There wasn’t much to clean by Karyn’s standards, but Derpy dusted into corners with her wings. In a half hour the room was ready for a real-estate photo.

“This works out,” said Derpy. “Better than the library, because I know this room like the back of my hoof. I’ll be able to stay out of everyone’s way while still listening to you.”

Soon enough, Karyn was playing host to three people with notes and papers spread all over the desk and bed. Peter and Nadia were poring over a diagram of an office. Keith was typing something on his phone.

Believing that everyone who had a reason to call her on a Sunday was in the room with her, either visible or not, Karyn was surprised to hear her videoconferencing software ding to indicate an incoming call. She slid over in her wheelie chair and looked at the identifying ID, but instead it showed that the computer was making an outgoing call.

It picked up itself, and Karyn was shocked to hear Derpy’s voice coming from her speakers. “Hey, Karyn, it’s D. What’s going on? Are you working on your project?”

Unsure of what to do, she said, “Yeah, everyone’s here.”

From across the room, Peter called, “Karyn, who’s that?”

Grinding her teeth, she said, “That’s my nosy friend D. I’ll tell her we’re busy.”

“No, that’s all right. She sounds nice. Is she cute? Does she have video?”

Derpy said, “Sorry, my camera is broken. But don’t worry about me. You should get back to work. In fact, why don’t you take a look at the upgrade planning that Karyn wrote up and see if there’s any conflict with what Nadia’s doing?”

Nadia whispered to Karyn, “Her camera may be broken, but her audio’s great. Sounds like she’s right in the room!”

They were bemused, but did what Derpy suggested, and to Karyn’s surprise everyone seemed to accept that Derpy knew about the project and was intimately aware of the details.

With Derpy coaching them from the computer, the work seemed to go smoother, with the exception being Keith, who still took every opportunity to complain and shirk. Finally, he was convinced to take his laptop and get to work. But a few minutes later, Derpy called out from the computer. “Hey, no adult literature! We’re working here!”

“Can she see us?” Keith cried.

“No, she’s…psychic,” said Karyn, grasping for a straw. “And I’m sure she’s busy and has to go. Say good-bye, D.”

As soon as Derpy was silenced, Keith said, “You know, I should get back. I have another final tomorrow. We can finish up over chat, can’t we?”

“I have finals too, but if we just work another hour, maybe two, we’ll be finished, and the specter won’t be hanging over our heads. All our finals are scheduled, but the meetings here aren’t, which means that we’ll give them low priority, which means our project won’t be as good.”

The others looked at Karyn. Peter and Nadia had a newfound respect in their eyes. Keith had a mix of annoyance and fear.

Although she missed being able to talk to Derpy on what was supposed to be their day together, Karyn was able to get into the flow of the project. A while later, she said, “All right, I think we have something good enough to turn in. Peter, do you want to finalize it and put all our names and send it off to the professor?”

“I think that you ought to do that,” he said. “You’ve been our de facto project leader. You deserve the credit.”

“What for?” asked Keith.

No one wanted to explain it, so they just shook their heads. Karyn took all their files and put them into a directory on her computer. “I’ll e-mail it before I go to bed tonight.”

They left the dorm. Almost immediately after, Derpy appeared with an angry look. “Ooh, I wanted to slap that guy with a wing! How did he even get in your group anyway?”

“The professors assign the group randomly. Or rather, by who’s sitting near each other in the room when the assignments are given out. But it’s over. Let’s not go reliving it.”

She busied herself putting the finishing touches on her project, enjoying once again the feeling of having her schoolwork entirely in her own hands.

She clicked “Send.” “There. It’s all done.”

“To me it just doesn’t seem fair that one person gets the credit for everyone else’s work.”

“I suppose it isn’t. What what are you going to do?”

Derpy reached for her bag. “There must be some spell that I could use to make it happen.”

“Come on, don’t do that.”

“Or you could use your changeling powers to disguise yourself as the professor and lower his grade.”

“I don’t want to use my changeling powers for anything, and certainly nothing malicious.”

Derpy sidled toward the computer.

“What are you doing?” asked Karyn.

“Just seeing about an old friend.”

“No! You are not to call up Derpynet and have her change Keith’s grade. Let it stand.”

Derpy threw up her hooves. “How can you be so nice to him? It’s like he’s stealing from you and everyone else!”

“No it isn’t. We don’t lose anything, other than a little bit of time today. And he doesn’t really gain anything. You only went to grade school in Equestria, right? So you don’t know how it works.”

“Then tell me.”

Karyn shut off her monitor and sat on the bed. If nothing else, she would have this time with Derpy. “Remember how I told you about all the other finals and assignments I had, that are all solo? He has just as many. There’ll be no one to steal from then. You’re not used to lazy ponies, and so you think that maybe he’s just that way because we’re here to pick him up. But I’ve seen his type in my classes. They don’t take notes, they don’t study, and they’re basically just here to party. He’ll either drop out, get kicked out, or have to switch majors to something that won’t be respected when he tries to get a job.”

Derpy wrinkled her nose. “I hope you’re right.”

“I know I am. And if I’m wrong, so what? It doesn’t hurt me. You know why?”

“Why?”

“Because I’m never going to see him again, while I am going to see you. So don’t be mad, because you’re more fun when you’re happy.”

Derpy decided that she finally heard something that made sense.

Author's Notes:

Going to BronyCon this weekend, but that doesn't mean that Derpy's Human goes away! Here's what's next.


“All right, so what’s your secret today?” asked Karyn.

“Today in Equestria is a special celebration. It’s—“

“Hey, it is!” Karyn looked at her calendar. “The longest day of the year!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Your chariot awaits.”

Derpy walked back in. “Did we order a chariot?” asked Karyn.

“Like I said, special invitation of the princess.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Do you know what the castle is made of?”

“Huh? No.”

“Because it’s nicer than any building I’ve seen on Earth,” said Karyn. “I’d say that we could try to ask Princess Celestia, but I’m sure that she’ll be too busy with the celebration to talk to us.”


So join us all next week for our princess-y special guest!

Next Chapter: 63: The Longest Derp of the Year Estimated time remaining: 25 Hours, 57 Minutes
Return to Story Description

Login

Facebook
Login with
Facebook:
FiMFetch