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Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human

by pjabrony

Chapter 5: 5: DEEEEEEEEEEEERP!

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“Morning, Derpy!” said Karyn. “I made whole wheat pancakes for breakfast!”

“Well, put them in the fridge and have them tomorrow,” said Derpy “Or. . . today. Or, the today after today, which is tomorrow, except it’s today. Because you’re going to be in Equestria today! Pack your stuff and hop on.”

Karyn finally understood why Derpy was having such trouble with her tenses, but that just led to a bigger question.

“Why do we have to go back to Equestria? Is there something going on?”

“Is there? There’s something huge! And you’re going to be in on it. You’re my ringer!”

“Back up, Derpy. No, not literally,” Karyn said as Derpy had started to skitter away from her friend. “Explain and start at the beginning.”

“Sorry, I get a little excited. It’s Sports and Games Day in Ponyville.”

“And that is?”

“It’s a day when we play sports and games,” said Derpy.

“Well, that makes sense.”

“Every year there’s a big team competition between pegasi and Earth Ponies.”

“What about unicorns?”

“They referee. And then there’s a match between pegasi and them and the Earth ponies ref, and between the Earth ponies and the unicorns and we ref. But I’m on the team that’s playing the Earth ponies. And now, so are you!”

“Me? I’m not a pegasus! I’m not even a pony!”

“They said it was OK. The Earth ponies, I mean. See, the thing is, we’ve lost to them several years running. Well, a lot of years running. In fact, it’s more like several years flying.”

“Mmhm,” Karyn grunted. “Have you ever beaten them?”

“Oh, sure! Almost entirely sure. Just must have happened before I joined up.”

“I can’t believe that Rainbow Dash puts up with that much losing.”

“Yeah, she’s on the team that plays the unicorns. Insists on it for some reason. And always lets me go up against the Earth ponies. Rainbow Dash is real nice!”

Karyn read something sinister into the motive described, but since the other pony wasn’t around to defend herself, she decided not to pursue the line of questioning.

“Anyway,” Derpy continued, “The point is that the Earth ponies are really confident. And I think that they’re overconfident. So much so that they pretty much agreed that we could set the rules of the game as we liked. That’s when I got an idea. You see, last week when I was searching on the computer, I took a look at some games humans play. I figured that if I could get you on the team, and play a human game, we’d have a major advantage and a chance to win for once!”

“Well, that sounds like fun, playing games with all the ponies. And yeah, if it’s something where hands can beat hooves, then I can really have some fun! So what did you pick?”

“The most popular human game I could find. Soccer!”

Karyn facepalmed. “Did you actually read about what soccer is?”

“A little. I know that humans play it everywhere, and I think that the Ajax team has some cool uniforms, and that you’ve got that wonderful World Cup that you play for with the humans holding up the big ball with their hands. I figured that if that’s a depiction of how the game is played, that you’d be awesome at it.”

“Derpy, look at me. Soccer is a game where it’s specifically forbidden to use your hands!”

Derpy just stared at Karyn for a bit. Her smile faded. “Well, why in the name of Celestia would you invent a game like that?! Do you think that pegasi would have a game where you couldn’t fly? Do you think that when unicorns send their fillies out to play they say, ‘Now be careful and don’t use your magic, or else you might actually learn to use it better’”?

“Hey, Derpy, I’m American. You’re preaching to the choir on this one.”

“Huh? There’s twenty-five pieces of paper around here that do like soccer?”

“Not the quire, the choir! Wait, how do you know that word?”

“We use it all the time. Ponies are always buying quires of paper to write lists on. Like the list of players on each team in a soccer game that we’re going to get slaughtered in!”

“Don’t panic,” said Karyn. “We’ll just go and ask if they can change it to lacrosse or field hockey.”

“You can use your hands in those?”

“Absolutely. Granted they’re a bit more contact sports. . . “ An image appeared in Karyn’s head of her running down a field only to have Applejack or somepony run into her as hard as they could. “. . . Or maybe we can try to win the soccer game anyway! Let me go and print out a copy of the rules.” Hopping on the computer, Karyn did a quick search for soccer rules, looking for a version that gave particular emphasis to safe play.

Derpy knelt for Karyn to get on and then activated the trans-dimensional spell. They reconstituted flying above a verdant field where groups of ponies were gathered around. A few unicorns were pulling strings and tying them to stakes, drawing the boundaries of the soccer field. Derpy landed by the pegasi and set Karyn down.

“Hey, everypony.” Derpy said, trying to show confidence. “This is Karyn, the human I told you about.”

Seven pegasi greeted Karyn, a little unsure of themselves around the strange creature from another world. “So, I guess I’m here to play soccer with you all. I don’t have a whole lot of experience, but we’ll all try our best, right?”

The pegasi loosened up and started flapping their wings excitedly. Karyn was slightly taken aback at how few of their names she knew. Looking across the field at the Earth pony team, she recognized Cheerilee, Big Macintosh, Aloe, Lotus, Bon-Bon, and some others. But among her own mates. . . was that one Thunderlane? Or was that the name of the big muscular one with the tiny wings? The one with the big hair—Cloudchaser? She hoped she’d get them sorted out as the game progressed. Then she saw one who she could definitely recognize.

“You bet you will!” said Rainbow Dash.

“Hey, Rainbow,” said Derpy. “I thought you were on the other pegasus team.”

“Oh, I am. But when I got the word that you guys were really going all out to beat the Earth ponies this year, I called in a few favors to boost our chances a bit. Meet your new front line. . . whatever that is. Soarin’, Spitfire, and Fleetfoot!”

Rainbow pointed a wing behind her where three ponies in the signature blue of the Wonderbolts were standing and chatting. Seeing that they were called for, they headed over to the rest of the team.

“Well,” Karyn said to Derpy, “That should give us at least a chance, having some professional athletes on our side.”

“Hi. . . Karyn?” a voice said from behind her. She turned to see a mint-green unicorn in a black and white striped shirt. “I’m Lyra. You probably don’t remember me, but I sent you a message a while back over the computer thingy you have.”

Derpy stepped in. “It’s called the internet, Lyra. I know all about it.”

Karyn gave her friend a sly sideways look as Lyra was talking to her again. “I’ll be refereeing your match. I understand you know all the rules?”

“Actually I have them written down here,” said Karyn.

Lyra looked over the pages of laser print. “Wow! You have really consistent penmanship! I wish I had hands so I could write like this! OK, I’m going to go read and explain these to the other side. You let your team know and we’ll start when everypony gets here.” She trotted off with her nose buried in the paper.

“So, Derpy,” said Fleetfoot, “What ideas do you have for strategy?”

Derpy pawed at the ground. It was time to confess that her plan to have a human play a human game had a kink in it.

“I had planned to have Karyn use her hands to help, but. . . “

Karyn interrupted, “But maybe one of you is really keen to play goal?”

None of the pegasi had any idea of what that meant, and shook their heads in confusion. But Derpy perked up at Karyn’s idea.

“I think letting me play there will be for the best,” Karyn continued. “All of you run on all fours, which gives you twice as many limbs to kick the ball with. Also the goalie is the only one allowed to hold onto the ball, and since their goalie can’t do that, it’ll give us an edge.”

“So we should take lots of shots at their goal?” asked Soarin’.

“Oh yeah,” said Karyn. “A lot of shots. Even if it doesn’t go in, there should be rebound chances. Keep the ball on the other side of the field as much as possible.”

“Sounds good. OK, team, let’s stretch and warm up!” said Spitfire.

Karyn started walking to the field when Derpy caught up with her and whispered, “Karyn, what are you thinking?!”

“Self-preservation. If I’m in goal, then hopefully for half of the game I can’t screw anything up.”

“What are you going to do about the other half?”

“Pray.”

A troop of unicorns were magically lifting into place wooden planks that would form the two goals, and some canvas was draped over the back to serve as netting. The Earth ponies were having their own strategy huddle which broke up as Lyra came to the middle of the field. Far away, Karyn could see Pinkie Pie taking up the spot in the opposing net.

“OK, where’s my whistle?” Lyra asked.

Fluttershy came out of the stands holding a small woodpecker. “Please be careful with Woodrow here,” she said.

“Don’t worry, I’m not directly stimulating him to call, just playing his vocal cords as I would a lyre. OK, everypony, let’s begin.”

The game kicked off, and Karyn found herself not screwing up nearly as badly as she feared. Given the inexperience of all involved, the shots were mostly taken either directly toward the center of the net and not that hard, or else well wide as somepony tried to hit the corner but overcorrected.

In the play in the middle of the field, neither side could set up plays or strategize much. Possession changes were frequent, as were fouls. One point of awkwardness came when the ball was kicked over the sideline by Nurse Redheart, as it was discovered that the throw-in rule hadn’t been designed for ponies. It was debated whether “both feet on the ground” meant all four feet, whether the pegasi were allowed to use their wings to throw it in, and whether the pony could put their head down on the ground to satisfy the “over the head” part of the rule. Eventually play restarted and both teams tried to keep it in the middle of the field.

Thirty minutes in, Karyn was feeling fairly confident. Then as the Earth ponies moved the ball down the line to her right, the pegasus defending overcommitted and the ball was passed to Big Macintosh, twenty yards away, wide open, and dead center. The big stallion reared back his front hoof and kicked the ball with all his might. Karyn stepped in front and stuck out her hands to try to deflect it, but the force of the shot knocked her over and the ball continued past her into the net.

A cheer went up from the other side and their fans. Karyn looked over at Derpy and saw her face downcast. She resolved not to let in another goal.

Spurred on by their lead, the Earth ponies pressed their advantage. Karyn got an awful lot of exercise running from side to side in the goal, and received more than one bruise from other strong shots. About ten minutes after the goal, she tipped one such shot over the top bar and Lyra whistled for a corner kick.

“Come on, everypony, get back and defend!” yelled Karyn.

The pegasi flew back and filled up the box, each picking an Earth Pony to stand next to. In the corner, Silver Spoon prepared to put the ball back in play. As she kicked it in, every pegasus started blocking off the pony they were defending. So concerned were they that nopony noticed Pinkie Pie sneaking in behind to the left. The ball made it past all the action and right to her, and with Karyn on the other side she kicked it into the open side. It was 2 – 0 in favor of the Earth ponies.

“Foul!” cried Derpy. “The goalie can’t leave the goal and come all the way down and score!”

“No, Derpy, it’s legal,” said Karyn. “Unusual, but allowed. If she does it again, we’ll have to counterattack and move it quickly down the field. We might get an open shot like that.”

Sure enough, with stoppage time approaching, a free kick was awarded from thirty yards away, again to the right side. As the pegasi formed a wall, Karyn noticed Pinkie coming up the other side. The indirect kick came in at the wrong angle, and Pinkie Pie dove for it, but Derpy playing defense got to it first.

“Quick, now!” called Karyn. “Get it in before she can get back!” Pinkie was face down right next to Karyn as every other pony was racing the other way.

Derpy kicked it to Spitfire, who dribbled it with speed up the right side. Fleetfoot flew ahead and Spitfire launched it just onside. Fleetfoot was past everypony and had nothing but clear turf ahead of her. She let the ball go and it sailed toward the open goal. . .

And was blocked by Pinkie Pie.

Karyn rubbed her eyes in disbelief, as she saw Pinkie appear out of nowhere to stop the shot while still lying in the grass at her feet. “How can she be in two places at once?!” she cried.

“Tee-hee! I’m Pinkie Pie!” the one next to her said, and then she winked out of existence.

Lyra whistled the end of the first half, and the pegasi trotted off in disappointment.

Gathering around on their side of the field, they all looked at Karyn and Derpy, but nopony said anything. Off in the distance, Rainbow Dash was turned the other way, deliberately not looking at the team.

“Exactly what are we doing wrong?” asked Thunderlane.

“It’s not necessarily that,” said Karyn. “Soccer sometimes is random. We can play our best and still lose, and it doesn’t help that Pinkie Pie can seemingly teleport wherever she has to go. How does she do that, anyway?”

“Nopony ever asks,” said Derpy “It’s Earth pony magic, yet she seems to be able to control it like a unicorn.”

“I guess that all the different types do have their own special talents. Hey, maybe that’s how we can get back into this!” Karyn perked up and huddled the pegasi together. “When we get back out there, try to kick the ball in the air as often as possible, then go fly up and get it. We can use that to get it into the box. Make that your goal. Lyra’s been calling a lot of fouls, so if we can get some there, maybe we can get some penalty kicks as well, and those are a good chance to score.”

The halftime break was soon over, and when Karyn had rehydrated herself, she took up her position again in goal. It was definitely easier for her as play resumed, as the Earth ponies’ plan was clearly to sit on their lead and run out the clock. But it was frustrating, and Derpy was constantly looking toward her in desperation.

“Come on, pegasi!” Karyn called. “Use the strategy!

The next time the ball came to her, Karyn, rather than passing it off to somepony near her, kicked it as hard as she could in the air. It only went about twenty yards away, but many more straight up. Cloudchaser kicked it even farther up and the pegasi were able to move it up the field uncontested. Lyra followed the action closely to make sure that they didn’t go over the end line. When they finally reached the box, Spitfire kicked it straight down toward the goal. Pinkie Pie leaped at it but missed, the ball bounced on the ground, and hit the netting just on the other side of the plank. The pegasi had scored.

“Is that legal?!” Pinkie Pie called out.

From all the way on the other side of the field, Derpy cried back, “You’re one to talk!”

Pinkie stuck her tongue out and made a face, but went back to her position.

The pegasi were relentless in their attack, and the play was almost entirely in the Earth ponies’ half of the field. The score remained 2 – 1 against them though, as the trick could not be made to work again. At the seventy minute mark, another attempt was whistled down by Lyra for a penalty kick to be taken by Fleetfoot.

Karyn ran up to him and gave some coaching. “This is a very good chance to score. Pick a direction, left or right, and kick it there. Pinkie not only has to dive for it, but she has to guess right as well, so you’ve got a fifty-fifty shot of having an open net.”

Fleetfoot approached the ball and planned the shot out in her head. A slow trot, then medium canter, then a full gallop as she slammed the ball hard to the right. Pinkie dove in the same direction and tipped it just wide of the net.

Three more times in the remaining minutes the pegasi generated penalty kicks, and each time Pinkie made the save. In one case, she actually started her dive before Spitfire kicked the ball, but still managed to pick the right direction.

“It must be some extension of her Pinkie sense!” said Karyn

“Probably,” said Derpy. “I wonder if they’ll let me on the team next year after we lose this one.”

“Hey, don’t give up hope, Derpy! Like we say on Earth, ‘It ain’t over till it’s over!’”

“That’s just a tautology.”

“But the thing about tautologies is that they’re true.”

Past ninety minutes, into stoppage time. The pegasi made another rush, not knowing if it would be their last. Soarin’ flew the ball into the box, and got her hooves tangled up with Big Macintosh’s. Lyra blew her whistle and signalled for another penalty.

“Bring it on!” said Pinkie Pie. “I’ll stop this one and then it’s on to the victory party!”

“Wait!” Karyn called from back.

She ran all the way up to the opposing goal. “Lyra, does Soarin’ have to take the kick herself?”

“I don’t think so,” said Lyra. “The rules say anypony can take it. Well, ‘anypony’ is misspelled, but that’s what it says.”

Karyn turned back to her team. “Let Derpy take it.”

“What?!” every pegasus said in chorus.

“Please, no, Karyn,” said Derpy. “I’ve already messed things up so much.”

“Everypony, listen,” said Karyn. “Pinkie’s anticipating your shots, because she’s reading either your eyes or your mind. Well, she can’t read Derpy’s eyes.”

“But she can read my mind!”

“So don’t decide which way you’re going to kick it until you’ve kicked it. Got it?”

“That makes no sense at all.”

“That’s why it has a chance.”

Lyra came over to them and said, “Somepony has to take it, or I’ll just end the game here.”

“OK,” said Derpy. “I’ll do it. And then I’ll go pack my things to move out of town.”

Derpy approached the circle, and for the first time all game Pinkie Pie looked nervous. She tried to stare down Derpy, but she was looking only at the ball, fearing more than anything to miss it entirely. Sweat was pouring down Pinkie’s face. Derpy trotted up slowly. Pinkie didn’t know what to do. At the last moment, she split herself into two again and one stood at each goalpost.

And Derpy kicked the ball perfectly straight, right into the middle of the goal.

The pegasi cheered, and Lyra blew the double whistle a moment later.

“So how do we finish this thing?” asked Pinkie. “Sudden death? Full period? Shootout?”

Karyn said, “Why don’t we just call it a draw? You keep your undefeated streak, the pegasi break the losing streak. Everypony’s happy.”

“Works for me! “I’ll change the victory party to a ‘tied party’ and that way everypony can come!”

The pegasi gathered around Derpy and lifted her up onto their shoulders. They were about to carry her off the field, when she called, “Wait! Karyn, come on up and ride with me!”

The throng descended and Karyn climbed on Derpy’s back once more. Flying on one pegasus was interesting enough for her. Flying on ten was quite unnerving.

The party was held outside, and there were lots of hot food being cooked on open fires. “It’s actually like a tailgate party back home.”

“What’s that?” asked Derpy. “A party where you go around at a gait to show off your tails? But you don’t even have a tail! You’d have a mane-gate party instead.”

“Heh. It’s not that. Any party centered around a sporting event where you eat and drink a lot is called that. I’m not surprised that Pinkie managed to pull one off.”

As if triggered by hearing her name, Pinkie Pie came up to where Derpy and Karyn were and offered them veggie-burgers which they consumed with relish and other condiments. Then she brought out neckerchiefs and insisted they be worn.

“It is a tied party after all!” she said in her typically overexcited way. “I don’t know what you do at a tied party, but whatever it is we do, that must be it!”

“Back on Earth there’s an expression that a tie is like kissing your sister,” Karyn said.

“Really?” said Pinkie. “Hey, Blinky! Where are you? I want to try something!” She ran off to find her target.

Karyn munched on her burger and tried to stay out of the way as much as possible. Most of the ponies acted a little awkward around her. Derpy stayed by her side throughout, and eventually Rainbow Dash, who had been waiting to talk to Derpy, trotted over.

“So, Derpy,” she said. “You didn’t manage to completely screw that up. Nice job.”

“Hey, give some credit here to Karyn,” Derpy said. “She played really hard and she was the one who gave me the confidence to take the last shot.”

“The human?” said Rainbow. She looked at Karyn a little awkwardly, then tenderly extended a hoof. “Thanks for helping out. I sure do wish we could have won, though.”

“So do I,” said Karyn as she shook Rainbow’s hoof. “I never had a preference before, but I can say now that pegasi are my favorite type of pony.”

She said this looking at Derpy, who wore a grateful smile.

“Definitely the right choice!” said Rainbow. “I’ll talk to you later. You’re not so bad, you know!”

Derpy went over to Karyn. “Coming from Rainbow Dash, that’s high praise. So what do you want to do after the party?”

“Head home and soak in a hot bathtub. I haven’t done that much exercise in a long time!” said Karyn.

Music played as the ponies celebrated. Derpy also felt tired and bruised and thought it would be prudent to take Karyn home soon, but she felt there was one more pony to thank.

“Hey, Lyra! Come on over!” Derpy called.

“Congratulations, you two. You’re the heroines of the pegasus team,” Lyra said.

“Well, we owe you a little for it. You called the fouls,” said Derpy.

“I called what I saw. You deserve all the credit. So, Karyn, what do you think of our little town and its field day?”

“I had a wonderful time!”

“Then can we count on you for the running of the leaves? You and I can be the only two going on two legs!”

“Actually, if it were right now, I might have to run it on all fours!” said Karyn. They all had a laugh.

Author's Notes:

Here's what you'll see next time on Derpy's Human:



“I’ve got an invisibility spell. No humans will see me!”

“Hmm. . . I don’t know,” said Karyn. “You’ll be invisible, but what if you bump into someone?”

“I’ll stay in the air above everyone’s head! Please!”

“OK, we’ll go out and do something.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As Karyn threw her stuff down on the bed, she said, “So, what did you think of your first human movie?”

“Hang on, I’m fiddling with this spell,” came Derpy’s disembodied voice. “Ah, there,” she said, and popped back into view. Karyn was surprised to see a frown on Derpy’s face.

“Now just what the heck was that?!” Derpy said.

“You didn’t like it? It wasn’t the best example of a flick to show you, but—“

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I wish there were a way to edit it into what I had written down. Maybe something on the computer?”

Karyn thought for a moment, then shook her head for allowing herself to consider something so silly. “Not unless they have a magic-to-USB adapter. Although goodness knows they have adapters for everything else.”

“Well, maybe I’ll ask Twilight to see if she can’t make a spell for that too. And in the meantime we can show it to folks as is.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's next time, right here, on your home for Derpy's Human!

Next Chapter: 6: Lights, Camera, Derption! Estimated time remaining: 41 Hours, 8 Minutes
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