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Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human

by pjabrony

Chapter 45: 43: Jury Derpy

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When Derpy appeared in Karyn’s dorm on Sunday, she was burdened by an extra saddlebag, which Karyn immediately noticed.

“Are you trying to carry more weight to get some exercise? Good idea!”

“It’s a side effect, but not the primary goal.” Derpy opened the bag and displayed its contents.

“What’s with all the scrolls and quills?”

“I was thinking more about what we said last week. About me being the most expert pony on Earth. If Princess Celestia or somepony asks me what it’s really like, I wouldn’t be able to give them the level of detail they should have. So I want to start taking notes and making analysis of the things we do together.”

“What kind of analysis?” asked Karyn.

“Nothing too deep. I’m still a lazy pony after all. But I’ll start with a profile of you, if you don’t mind.”

Derpy took a quill in her hoof and dragged it across the scroll rapidly. Karyn’s eyes narrowed. “By profile you mean a dossier, right? Not just a drawing of me from the side?”

“Um, of course. I wouldn’t even think of that.” She crumpled up the scroll and ate it.

“Derpy!”

“I misspelled a word, so I decided I’d start over.”

Karyn looked skeptical. “Even if you do, scrolls are definitely not on your diet.”

“Ooh, good point. You can eat the next one.”

“I don’t want to eat any one!” said Karyn, but Derpy was already moving on. She looked on Karyn’s desk.

“Haven’t I talked to you about always answering your mail as soon as you get it?”

A few letters were sitting unopened on Karyn’s desk. “I usually do, but this is all junk mail, and if there were anything in there, I couldn’t do anything about it until tomorrow anyway and. . . “

She trailed off as she realized that one of the pieces was not in an envelope but was perforated on three sides.

“What’s that one?” asked Derpy.

Karyn opened it, trying to conceal the “Open immediately!” and “Do not discard” stamped on the letter, not wanting a further lecture.

“Jury duty?! Really? As young as I am?”

“I don’t understand.”

Karyn considered how to delicately explain. “When humans do bad things to each other, and we want to punish them, they have the right to argue that they didn’t do it, or that they shouldn’t be punished. And regular people have to decide if they’re guilty or not.”

“So everyone decides?”

“No, they pick people out at random. I think they get the names off the list of driver’s licenses. If I had only failed that test last year.”

Derpy brightened. “Oh, random service. We have that all the time in Cloudsdale.”

“But I thought that Celestia and Luna judge everything. And do you even have any crimes?”

“Sometimes there have to be investigations, but we have unicorns who can detect lying, so nopony does it. But I’m thinking more of when we have to schedule storms and things.”

“Doesn’t the weather bureau do that?” asked Karyn.

“They do the moving of the clouds, but others have to set up the schedule.” Derpy sat on the bed. “I’m remembering from when I lived there, so any of this might have changed. Weather is always inconvenient for somepony. Some plan outings and then it rains, or they’re growing flowers and want rain. Sometimes, they complain about snow or such. So we need pegasi in charge to set up a schedule. It’s not a fun job, since everypony blames you for ruining their plans. Rather than hire a pony to do it, there’s a committee that’s picked randomly each year.”

“And you’ve been on this committee?”

“You know, it’s funny. I served once. I did this big report on how nopony really minded short storms, so why didn’t we just alternate rain one hour out of every six, all the time? Since that time, I’ve never been called again. Well, that’s randomness for you.”

Karyn shook her head, but didn’t want to shatter Derpy’s delusions. “Anyway, I can probably get out of it if I want, but I’ve got mostly night classes this semester, so I might as well get it over with. Once I go, I’m exempt for the next six years.”

“I wonder if the Cloudsdale ponies do the same thing. Maybe that’s why I haven’t had to schedule the storms again. It’s a shame, too. I got a little stipend that gave my pocketbook a shot when it needed it.”

“You got paid? I wonder if I get anything.” Karyn read through the letter thoroughly, but it didn’t mention anything about compensation. She went online to her computer and searched. “Cool! Forty dollars a day. If I have to go for a week, that’s $200!”

“Is that a lot?”

“Well, if you’re a professional, probably not. But you know how much more than what I make now it is? Two hundred more.”

Derpy smiled, but cautioned, “Don’t spend it yet. Maybe it’s a mistake or something. They could have sent it to the wrong person.”

Karyn checked the envelope. “It does have my name. But just getting the slip doesn’t mean you necessarily have to go. I have a number that I have to check online for all this week.”

“I guess there’s no way for you to get in touch with me if you do get called, so I’ll just have to check in every day.”

“What do you mean, ‘check in’?”

“You know I’m coming with you,” said Derpy. “I’m sure that the place you’re going to has incredibly tight security. I’m sure that you’re going to say how it’s too much risk and that I’ll be caught. I’m sure that I have a spell that will get me around it. And I’m sure that you have no choice about it. I told you that I wanted to do more research on Earth, and this will be a good opportunity.”

Karyn opened her mouth and pointed, then realized that she had no chance. “Here’s my number. Can you get Derpynet or something to contact you in Equestria if it comes up?”

“I’ll take care of it.”

Each morning during that week, Karyn rolled out of bed and refreshed the web page that told which juror numbers had to go to court. She had fantasies about having an interesting case where she would help the others, maybe even be the forewoman and get to read the verdict. Perhaps Derpy would have a key role, running a secret investigation to find a key piece of evidence that would prove the defendant’s innocence and prevent a miscarriage of justice.

Mostly she thought about what she would do with the forty dollars per day.

It was Wednesday when she was called in. Derpy appeared early in the morning, excited for the opportunity.

“Good morning,” said Karyn. “I was half hoping that you’d show up in a gray suit and glasses with a briefcase.”

“I’m going to be invisible the whole time.”

“Right, I know. I just had an image.”

Derpy turned around. “I left the briefcase back in Equestria.”

“Well, I’m going to get ready, so don’t look.”

“I’ve seen your cutie mark.”

Karyn rolled her eyes and went to her closet. She found her interview suit and slipped off the protective plastic with the logo of a dry cleaner’s on it. Laying it on the bed so that it wouldn’t get wrinkled, she took off her casuals as quickly as possible.

“Ponies don’t have the equivalent of a business suit, do they?” she said.

“Some of them like to wear ties and vests, like Filthy Rich. But for the most part, no. Humans don’t have any parts of society where they go naked, so maybe it’s like that.”

Karyn thought about describing nudist camps and beaches, but decided not to confuse Derpy. Even if she wanted to do more research, there were some things better left unsaid. She went into the bathroom and put her hair in a ponytail, then decided to go further and did it in a bun. She hoped that she looked professional enough.

“What do you think?”

“Whoa!” said Derpy. “Good morning, Miss Hubert. Cup of coffee, and then I’ve got your first appointment ready.”

Karyn laughed. “If I ever do get big enough to need a secretary, you’ll be the first one I call.”

“You probably couldn’t afford me.”

The courthouse was downtown, Karyn and Derpy walked there, since Karyn didn’t want to trust any of the public transportation schedules.

“I can’t be late for this, they’ll hunt me down and throw me in jail. So we’ll just leave as early as possible so that even if we hit every light, we’ll still be early.”

What she hadn’t counted on was how hard it was on her feet to walk in her best shoes, which hadn’t been broken in. Derpy saw her wince with each step

“Do you want me to try to carry you? You can move your legs back and forth and make it look like you’re walking, but you won’t have any weight on the ground.”

“I would never be able to pull that off convincingly. Thanks for the offer, though.”

“Hey, I’m always looking for ways to get out of my normal exercise routine.”

With effort, Karyn made the rest of the journey. People were getting out of their cars in the parking lot and walking toward the building, but that was the only way that they could tell they were in the right spot. The courthouse looked like any other modern office building.

“I’m a little disappointed in the architecture,” Karyn said.

“Why? What did you expect?”

“Big, fluted Greek columns and a statue of justice with sword and scales, maybe some wide steps down to the street. When we get home, remind me to look up some pictures of what a court is supposed to look like.”

They walked into the building to find the security station. It was every bit as locked down as an airport, but there was still no attention paid to overhead. Anyone who happened to be invisible and capable of flight could slip right past them, and that’s what Derpy did.

Karyn’s passage took rather longer, as they made her take off her shoes. With her feet swollen from the walking, the shoes were difficult and even more painful to put back on. Her skirt was riding uncomfortably and her blouse was tight around her neck. But she figured that she had to put up with it. Once she got through, she rejoined Derpy.

“OK, we need to go find the waiting room. They’re supposed to give us a briefing and then divide us up by the courtroom we go to.”

The room was filled with long tables. Each place had a pamphlet detailing what they were and were not allowed to do. Karyn picked an isolated spot that had plenty of room around it. She didn’t mind if it appeared that she was being anti-social, since she wasn’t.

They pored over each page of the pamphlet together. Derpy said, “I don’t think I’d much like to do this job. They really want you to pay attention to everything.”

“It is a big responsibility. You’ve got another person’s freedom in your hands.”

An announcement board at the front of the room separated out the potential jurors by their number, and Karyn was told to go to room four.

The halls reminded her too much of her classrooms at school, and even more of the rooms at high school, but the real shock came as she entered the room and was directed to a bench.

Her fellow jurors had not matched Karyn’s level of dress for the occasion. The best among them were a few men dressed in business casual—collared shirts and slacks, with brown shoes. Jeans and polo shirts were more common. Karyn was the only one wearing a skirt. A young man about her age wore a T-shirt with a rock band emblazoned on it. Worst of all was a heavyset woman who had on a matching sweatshirt and sweatpants. They would have been obscene even at a gym.

Karyn wished that she were free to talk to Derpy and complain about the others. She wondered for a moment how the judge and the court officers would put up with it, but then realized that they had to. It was difficult enough just to get people to show up. If they enforced a dress code, more people would refuse to show up, or make excuses as to why they couldn’t do the job, or show up and do a bad job.

She had managed once more to get an end seat, and took comfort from holding Derpy’s hoof. The judge took his seat and again Karyn was disappointed, because he was not wearing the traditional robe, just a suit like the lawyers. The case, it emerged, was a drunk driving charge, with some injuries involved. The prosecuting attorney spoke at length about how they should not expect to see a lot of forensic evidence like the shows on TV presented, and Karyn was all right with that, since she didn’t watch crime dramas anyway. Her case was basically that the arresting officer saw someone who was drunk.

The defense attorney stepped up next and asked, “Does anyone here work in any branch of law enforcement, or have a family member who does?” A few hands went up, and the lawyer asked for further details. One person said his father was an officer, and another was a martial-arts trainer who had worked with the police.

In her quietest whisper, Derpy said, “Good thing they didn’t ask if you knew any ponies.” Karyn had to bite her lip to keep from laughing. She squeezed Derpy’s hoof in warning, then went back to listening.

The judge called back the lawyers and suggested that the whole affair could be concluded in three days, and that they would next hold a lottery to determine who would actually serve. Karyn was chosen as an alternate. At last, they were given a break. She and Derpy found a secluded spot in the hall.

“This is the best possible situation,” Karyn said. “If everyone else does their job, all I have to do is sit and watch for three days without actually deciding.”

“You seemed annoyed.”

She told Derpy how disappointed she was in everyone else’s clothing. “I mean, why should I go out of my way to look good if everyone else isn’t taking this seriously?”

Derpy was forlorn. “Just because everyone else is being disrespectful is no reason for you to do. It’s something I always told Dinky. That sometimes in school the other colts and fillies would be acting out, but that if she stood out and was good then, she’d win more points than if she was good only when everypony else was.”

Karyn pouted. “I guess you’re right. Why do you always have to keep me on the straight and narrow? I could be so delightfully evil if not for you!”

The bailiff stepped into the hall to call everyone back, so they had to cut the conversation short.

Now in the smaller box, Karyn could sit and just listen as each lawyer ran through their opening arguments. Stripped of all the fluff, it amounted to, “He stank, and he staggered, so he was drunk,” versus, “He didn’t test positive, so he wasn’t.”

Once that was done, the judge let everyone go for the day.

“Man, I should have gone into law,” she said to Derpy as they walked back. “You work half days every day it seems.”

“I wonder why everyone doesn’t do that.”

“It’s not really that easy. I’m sure both of those lawyers worked late last night. Or they’ve been working long enough that they can make others work late for them.”

Derpy headed for home to catch up on her mail route, and Karyn spent the rest of the day in class. The following day was the testimony of the arresting officer and the defendant. The girls met up afterwards.

“Is there drunk driving in Equestria?” asked Karyn.

“Some, but it’s not a big deal. Carts don’t go as fast or carry as much weight as cars do, so they don’t do serious injury. It’s more the fact that nopony wants to be friends with someone who drinks too much.”

“It’s kind of a shame. People decided to go with cars instead of trains or other mass transit, not thinking of all the consequences.”

Derpy was eager. “So do you think you’ll let him go? Or punish him?”

“Haven’t you been listening when they keep telling us not to discuss the case?”

Derpy just looked at Karyn with a blank expression.

“Oh, yeah,” said Karyn. “I guess that probably doesn’t apply to ponies. Remember, though, that I only decide if two of the regular people have to leave for whatever reason.”

“I suppose. Well, we’ll just see what happens.”

The next day, Derpy came early and they walked the route one last time. Karyn was still dressed nicely, but wore sneakers to save her feet. She sat down in her seat and watched the gallery where Derpy was sitting invisible.

The judge walked in with his bailiff. He looked to the jury and said, “Thank you all for serving. The case has been settled, and your time is no longer required.”

“What?!”

Karyn’s eyes flew open and she stared in the general direction of the empty gallery, hoping to psychically tell Derpy to keep quiet.

“Who said that?” said the judge.

“I think it might have come from outside,” said the bailiff. He walked to the front and peeked his head out the door, but saw no one.

“Well, whatever,” the judge said. “Again, thank you. Have the court officer stamp your jury slip as you leave and keep it with you as proof that you served.”

Karyn was farthest from the bench and so was first to leave the room, getting the receipt and asking the bailiff where the bathroom was. Once she was pointed in the right direction, she felt for Derpy’s body next to her, then slid her hand up to Derpy’s ear. She pinched and dragged.

“Owowowow,” said Derpy quietly.

The bathroom door slammed behind them.

“Please, Karyn, I’m so sorry. I know that I’m not supposed to talk, I was just so into the moment that I forgot.”

Karyn huffed. “Well, no damage done, at least, and maybe it’ll be a lesson. And yes, it was an anticlimax, but that’s how a lot of these things go. One side or the other realizes that it can’t win and cuts a deal. Maybe the guy will wind up spending a month in jail, or maybe he’ll just have to pay a lot of money and they’ll count the time served.”

“I don’t know, that doesn’t seem right to me.”

“It does cause a lot of problems. But speaking of money, it’s time to get paid!” She rubbed her hands together greedily.

“You know, if I may make a suggestion, what if you were to save the money instead of spending it?”

“Aw, come on! I never get a chance to spend.”

Derpy was sympathetic. “You said yourself that this was money you didn’t expect. So what have you lost?”

Karyn thought for a while, trying to make a counterargument, but then said, “It’s three days, that’s $120. I’ll save the hundred, but I’m charging you the twenty for your little outburst in there. That we spend.”

“All right, I suppose that’s fair.”

They left the bathroom and found the bursar’s window. As she handed the slip over, her mind was wild with thoughts of what she would do. Even if twenty dollars wasn’t much, it could be a fancier meal or a new hair ribbon or some pony merchandise or a gift for Derpy.

The lady behind the counter took out a large stamp and marked “Paid” on the slip. “There you go, you’ll get your check in four to six weeks.”

“Fo—“ Karyn started to protest, but figured it wouldn’t do any good. “Thank you.”

They headed for Karyn’s dorm.

“Well, at least it gives you plenty of time to set up a bank account,” said Derpy.

“I already have one.”

“But if you make a new one, you won’t be tempted to touch your savings.”

“I suppose.”

***

As they met up the next week, Derpy appeared with unusual excitement.

“You’ll never guess what happened! They picked me, again! I’m on storm scheduling duty.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Nope. And this time I know I’ve got an even more brilliant idea.”

Karyn closed her eyes and counted to ten. “All right, let’s hear it.”

“It’s just like what happened with your thing. We’ll make a deal with everypony to pretend that the storms that have already happened count. I’m brilliant!”

“Are there others who have to decide with you?”

“Yeah, a few more,” said Derpy. “Why? You think they’ll want credit for the idea?”

“No. I’m sure everypony will say that it’s all yours.”

Author's Notes:

Preview now!

“Ah, the sun finally came out.” Karyn opened the window and spread her arms out.

“Be careful,” said Derpy. “You don’t want to fall out.”

“I’m not worried. You’ll dive out and catch me.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What? What did I do?”

“Why did you sign up for the Wonderbolt Derby?”

“I did what?!”

Be sure to read it too!

Next Chapter: 44: Won-Derp-olts! Estimated time remaining: 30 Hours, 56 Minutes
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