The night I became a real ranger is one that I will never forget. I was now surrounded by the best, strongest, and most honest and humble ponies in the entire wasteland, and they accepted me. I was one of them, and those qualities were within me just as much as within them.

But did I deserve it? The question hovered in my mind as I was led from Hibiscus Tea’s meeting room. I hadn’t undergone the rigorous training that a ranger normally faces. I hadn’t seen the battles that even the greenest of knights had seen. In this sense, I wasn’t one of them.

I was plagued with worry and wonder about this ambiguity. Would I be accepted? Would they understand the arrangement I had with Hibiscus Tea, and that I never intended to disrespect the position I now held? I only wanted to do the right thing, to help them in protecting the wasteland when the rest of the rangers couldn’t. I knew I hadn’t earned it, but I did my best not to act like I had. I was young, inexperienced, and unfamiliar with their organization. In time, I could be like them, but I still felt like an outsider within the stable.

Quietly, though, I wondered if I had earned it. Ironbright had admitted that Canterlot had been far more dangerous than anypony had anticipated. Were my skills equal to that of other rangers? And Hibiscus Tea had put me through the same hearing that every other ranger had been through, and I had passed. And I felt like Hibiscus Tea hadn’t staged it, either. I think she was being as honest with me as I had been with her. She felt that I was ready to join them as a real Applejack’s Ranger.

So why did I feel so inadequate? Why did I feel so weak? So naïve? So dark, when the Rangers represented strength and light in the desolate, struggling wasteland? What did I lack?

Or what was within me that made me unworthy?

I had never been drunk before, but I have had a few drinking experiences. The first was with my older brother, Seacliff. The rest were mostly with Calamity, and they were few and far between. My parents knew that I had tasted alcohol, but they didn’t get any stories, mostly because I had none to tell.

The night I became a Ranger, I still did not get drunk. But I was about the only one.

Ironbright led us to the atrium with a grin on her face. Elder Hibiscus Tea left with a knowing smile. I would later learn that there was a rule about drinking and new members, but I also learned that most Elders or other authority figures made a habit to turn their heads if it was within reason. Celebration was great for morale, and Knights weren’t initiated every day.

The party didn’t start until Ironbright left the atrium, returning with a saddlebag full of bottles of hard apple cider. She uncorked them and passed them out to Rosemary, Cloud Chaser and me.

“To my newest brother in arms,” she said loudly. “To Ebonmane.” Cloud Chaser and Rosemary repeated my name quietly as we took the first drink. I didn’t say anything.

This was all it took for other rangers to take notice. Suddenly, as if by magic, the table we were sitting at began to fill up with drinking soldiers, mares and stallions alike.

“Where are they getting all this cider?” Rosemary asked.

“Sweet Apple Acres is just over there,” Ironbright motioned with a hoof. “In the past twenty years with no taint or radiation, we’ve been able to get some kind of crop out of it. And ponies will always pay for liquor. Honestly, it’s how most of our entire organization gets funded.”

“Oh,” was all Rosemary said. She took a drink and grimaced at the bitter taste. Over the years, I had grown somewhat used to the bite of booze, but even I winced at the first few sips. This stuff was strong. I had only really tried cheap vodka in Junction Town, so at least this tasted better.

The rangers around me congratulated me on becoming a knight and asked questions to get to know me, but the other soldiers weren’t too eager to greet the new guy. They were just happy for an excuse to party. And party they did. The radio had been patched through the loudspeakers of the atrium, and while most of DJPon3’s songs were not what I would think of when it came to parties, tables would still raise bottles and sing the chorus lines of their favorite tunes, the din getting louder and more raucous as the night came.

As for our group, Ironbright drank socially, a warm smile spreading over her face, but she didn’t get drunk. Rosemary sipped, and by the time Ironbright and I finished our first, Rosemary had barely cleared the neck. Cloud Chaser, on the other hoof, was downing ciders at an alarming rate. I blinked and there were three empty bottles in front of her.

“I’ve never been to a real party before,” she announced. “Ebonmane, you being a Knight was the best idea ever!” I noted that my knighthood would probably be the cause of my death, but kept my mouth shut. Cloud Chaser looked at Rosemary and me. “What is with you two? You look so depressed.”

I didn’t feel depressed. I was relaxing with my friends, having a good time. I shrugged. Rosemary took another sip. Cloud Chaser just groaned. “Somepony dance with me.”

All eyes turned to me.

I couldn’t take the pressure. “I can’t really dance,” I copped out.

Ironbright saved me from Cloud Chaser’s insistence. “I’ll dance with you,” she said, standing and crossing the table to Cloud Chaser’s side. Ponies were dancing in small groups all over the place, but Ironbright led her a small distance toward a more open area.

Rosemary watched them leave. She looked worried. “Cloud Chaser?” I asked. She nodded. “Ironbright won’t let anything happen to her.” I watched a few stallions start talking to them, though, smiles and blushes all around, and Rosemary’s ears began to flatten.

I tried to distract her. Cloud Chaser needed a little independence. “You don’t drink a lot, do you?” I asked.

“I’ve broken up too many drunken brawls to ever want to,” she replied. She turned away from Cloud Chaser, but her expression still looked annoyed.

“You should lighten up,” I suggested. “Just because there’s alcohol doesn’t mean that anything bad is going to happen.”

She just shook her head at me and took another sip. A couple of stallions walked up to us that I didn’t recognize. They weren’t dressed in their armor. One was a dark-colored earth pony and older than me, but the other was a unicorn about my age and had a light, shaggy mane. “Is he going to dance with you?” the older one asked.

“I don’t want to dance,” Rosemary replied simply.

“Alright. Then what’s with the sour face? Is he bothering you?” Why was I the bad guy?

“I’m fine. I’m not looking to hook up, so if that’s what this is about, you can keep going,” Rosemary sounded upset, but she managed to keep some strength in her voice.

“Well I’m happily married and he’s harmless, so relax,” the older one said.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” the younger one piped up. The older just rolled his eyes.

Then he looked at me. “How can we call ourselves knights if we let a mare sit here during a party having a bad time?” He smiled at her, motioning to me as he spoke. “You should dance with him. What could it hurt?”

She smiled back. “A lot, actually.”

Ouch.

The older one shrugged and said to the younger one, “You can’t win ‘em all, I guess.” They sat down on the other end of the table, still within talking distance in case Rosemary changed her mind.

There was a long pause before I finally spoke. “Are you mad at me?”

“No, I’m not mad at you,” she answered. She looked at the bottle of cider. It was almost empty by now. “I’m actually not feeling well. This stuff is a little too strong for me.”

“You don’t have to drink it. What’s wrong?” I asked. I knew it wasn’t the booze.

“I’m just worried,” she said.

“Cloud Chaser will be fine,” I reassured her.

“About everything,” she added. I didn’t know what she meant, but I didn’t know if I should ask. “I’m just going to go to bed,” she announced. I felt like I should follow her, but her tone told me that she didn’t want to talk to me right now. If she was going to push me away, I wasn’t going to chase her.

The two stallions slid over to me. “You’re the new guy, right?” the younger one asked. I confirmed, and they introduced themselves. The older one was Cobalt and the younger one was Sand Sprint.

“Hibiscus Tea said that you were the one that went with Ironbright to get the Blackheart,” Cobalt said.

“What about it?” I returned.

“What about it?” Sand Sprint repeated. “You obviously don’t know how to party with rangers. I’ll get you another cider. I want to hear this story.”

Cobalt spoke while his friend was away. “That’s my nephew. He was the new guy before you,” he explained. “Been wanting to be a ranger all his life. How about you?”

“Oh,” I faltered. Being a ranger was probably what most of these ponies had gotten their cutie marks over. They knew that this was their destiny. Me? Not so much. Suddenly I felt very out of place. “Well, I actually needed the Rangers’ help to stop this pimp who got my friend Silver Bell kidnapped, so…”

“They made you join,” he concluded. “That explains why we don’t know you. You must be good to get initiated that fast. How long you been fighting?”

“Two weeks,” I answered quietly. He whistled.

Sand Sprint returned with the ciders in his magical grip, setting them down before us. I uncorked mine. “So tell me about Canterlot. Were there still ghouls?”

I told the story as accurately as possible, downplaying my own achievements. I didn’t do it to give an impression of humility or to make what I had done seem like no big deal. I just felt like I had no room to brag when these two had probably accomplished much more than I ever would. Who was I to walk around like a hero when I was at a party filled with real ones?

Cloud Chaser sat down right after I finished talking about rescuing her from the ghouls. “Where’s Rosemary?” she asked, slurring the question. Oh boy.

“The cider was upsetting her stomach. She went to bed.”

Cloud Chaser gave a frustrated groan. “She is such a buzzkill!” She retrieved the cider she had left on the table when she went to dance, but it appeared that she had drank more while away.

“Maybe you should slow down on the cider,” I suggested.

“This is the last one,” she answered. I watched her shotgun it. Ironbright came to the table, her concerned expression mirroring mine.

“You- should dance with Ironbright,” Cloud Chaser slurred. “She’s reeaaallly good.”

I glanced at Ironbright. “Every stallion should know how to dance, Ebonmane. Especially one who has as many female friends as you.” It’s like they made me out to be some lady killer. I wasn’t. But she had a point.

“So who are you?” Cloud Chaser asked my two new companions as I stood. They introduced themselves, but for once I didn’t worry. I could tell that Cobalt wouldn’t let anything happen to Cloud Chaser that she wasn’t ready for.

Ironbright took me to a huddle of ponies, moving to a jazzy Sapphire Shores tune. She took the lead, teaching me basic steps. I wasn’t horrible, it seemed. But she moved like she had a dancing cutie mark.

“Where did you learn how to do this?” I asked once I was finally able to stop looking at my hooves.

“Tenpony Tower,” she said. “I’m actually doing pretty well, considering how drunk I am.”

“You don’t seem drunk,” I replied.

She smiled. “Only a little. But what happened to Rosemary?”

“She wasn’t feeling well. Said the cider was upsetting her stomach.”

Ironbright sighed. “You should have danced with her.”

“She doesn’t want to dance with me. She said so to Cobalt,” I defended.

“At least you’re meeting ponies,” she said.

“I think she’s mad at me.”

“Maybe I’ll go talk to her.”

“Don’t,” I warned. “She didn’t want to be bothered when she left.”

Ironbright smiled. “I think I can take whatever little Rosemary can dish out. But not until you get those hips moving. You’re still dancing like a colt.”

We ended up dancing for at least another hour. It was my first time dancing with a mare, but it felt like it shouldn’t have counted. Ironbright and I only talked about my dancing, and even though I was pressed into her, my neck against her hard body, it didn’t feel romantic or intimate at all, but it wasn’t awkward, either. I appreciated her skill, and despite her aggression and hard ways, I could appreciate the beauty of the mare before me. But she was my commander and a friend. We both knew that no matter how close we became, there would never be any attraction.

We stopped when Ironbright was satisfied that I wouldn’t embarrass myself when I did manage to step out with a mare, and she went to sit down after I took the lead successfully for a song. I found Cloud Chaser between Cobalt and Sand Sprint, laughing as the light unicorn told stories. It was obvious that he was attracted to her, but he kept a safe distance.

Cloud Chaser looked up at me. “You were right, Ebonmane. I should have shlowed down.” There were at least two more ciders in front of her.

“Cloud Chaser,” Ironbright admonished.

“Could- could you take me to the beds?” the pegasus asked me.

“Maybe Ironbright should,” Sand Sprint suggested.

“He’ll be fine,” Ironbright vouched for me. I nodded my thanks to her. Cloud Chaser was already up and shuffling, but I heard Sand Sprint talk before I followed her.

“I tell ya, Cobalt, if she wasn’t drunk…”

“But she is,” he replied. “And you’re doing yourself a world of good by steering clear.”

If I stood around too much longer, it would be suspicious, so I caught up to Cloud Chaser. She smiled up at me. “Have a good time?” I asked her.

“Yeah. I’ve never been to a party thish big before. All the ones in New Appleloosa are really boring. What about you?”

“I had fun,” I replied.

“Thoze guys are shuper nice,” she said. Then she giggled. “And Shand Shprint is reaaaalllly cuuuute.”

I rolled my eyes. “He thinks you’re cute, too.”

“I know. But Rozemary shays not to be a shlut.”

I wondered if there was a sexual scenario that Rosemary did approve of. Maybe she just wanted us all to be virgins. “Probably because she can’t get laid herself,” I thought. I immediately regretted it.

Hearing Cloud Chaser’s opinion on Sand Sprint made me feel anxious, though. She hardly knew him. She hadn’t spoken at his hearing. And he certainly hadn’t saved her life.

I knew this kind of thinking was silly, though, so I pushed it from my mind as we wandered the halls of Stable Two. With everypony in the atrium, it was rather empty, though in the darker parts I could hear the sounds of making out. I didn’t dare walk into any of the rooms without knocking.

Cloud Chaser stopped to go to the bathroom and I waited, sitting with my thoughts.

Assessing my situation, I understood two things: one, I was getting a little jealous of Sand Sprint because, two, I was attracted to Cloud Chaser. But now was not the night to make a move. Even though we would be heading to Manehattan tomorrow and could die before I had a chance to see if she liked me back, I was in the same spot Sand Sprint had been. I wouldn’t hit on a drunk filly.

When she came out, she looked deflated. There was even a hint of a frown on her face.

“Are you feeling okay?” I asked her.

“I’m not sick, just tired,” she answered, her slur mostly gone. We walked a little farther before she broke the silence. “Ebonmane, can I ask you something?”

“Sure?” I replied. My heart started to race.

“Do you like me?”

“Uh,” I faltered. “What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean,” she said. We had stopped and she was looking directly at me.

“Well, I don’t know,” I waffled, even though my pounding heart was telling me to confess my feelings.

“Really?” she asked. “Just tell the truth. Yes or no.”

There was a long pause. I looked away from her. “Yes,” I answered. I felt one weight lift off my shoulders only to feel the tension of her silence. I was dying waiting for her answer.

“Okay.”

“What about you?” I pressed.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I like you, but things are complicated right now, okay?”

“Okay,” I said, trying my best to be understanding. “What’s wrong?”

“Everything,” she said. “I just… I needed to know how you felt.”

“So now what?” I asked. “That’s it?” She was going to make me confess only to leave things up in the air? I felt wounded.

“I’ll know after we’re done in Manehattan,” she said. “I promise.”

I nodded. “I’m sorry,” I found myself saying.

“For what?”

“For putting you in this spot,” I said. “I bet it would be easier if we were just friends.”

She shook her head. “I didn’t exactly make it easy for you to be just friends, did I? I’m kind of a flirt…” she cast her gaze down. “I know it’s not easy for you to sit and wait like this.”

“I’ll be fine,” I told her. “I’d rather you figure it out than rush into something.”

“Thanks,” she said. “You won’t be hurt if I say no?”

“Don’t worry about me,” I told her. “Worry about what you want to say.”

I told her that because I knew I would be hurt if she did say no. But that shouldn’t affect her answer.

We finally entered the barracks, and across the sea of beds and passed-out rangers I could see Ironbright and Rosemary sitting across from each other, still awake. They looked at us as we entered.

“Feeling okay?” Cloud Chaser asked Rosemary.

“I’m fine,” she answered. “What about you?”

“I had a good time,” Cloud Chaser said with a small smile.

Unceremoniously, we all went to our beds without much of a goodnight.

I lay awake, feeling a little numb. I felt bad about putting Cloud Chaser in this situation, but I knew that those feelings had no ground. Cloud Chaser had admitted to flirting with me, and it wasn’t wrong for me to like a pony. But I still felt wrong.

The worst part was that I wanted to talk to somepony about it. But I didn’t want to tell any of my friends. Ironbright would tell me ‘tough luck’ and that all I could do was wait, and Rosemary would just tell me to back off. I wished I had more comforting friends.

But I realized that I could probably talk to Rosemary about Cloud Chaser, but now Rosemary’s behavior toward me took shape. She knew that Cloud Chaser was considering it, but for whatever reason didn’t want the little pegasus to be with me. I don’t know what I had done to convince her that I would hurt Cloud Chaser, but I must have done something.

Maybe Rosemary was jealous because I liked Cloud Chaser and not her. Maybe she was jealous because stallions hit on Cloud Chaser and not her. And in that moment, I felt bad for Rosemary. I understood why she was upset. After all, two other stallions had to suggest that I dance with her instead of me just asking myself and being polite.

Would Rosemary have even agreed to dance with me? Or did she really hate stallions as much as she made it look like she did? I knew the latter wasn’t true, but I still don’t think she would have danced with me.

At this point, I wondered why I was thinking so much about Rosemary when I had just confessed my feelings about Cloud Chaser. But for the record’s sake, I considered the possibility that I might have slight feelings for Rosemary, too.

Rosemary could be a bitch, but she was kind. She was gentle. And she could be surprising. But while I cared about Rosemary, I didn’t feel anything for her. But it was apparent that I had been a shitty friend to her, if it had taken me this long to consider why she acted the way she did.

I vowed to get to know her better. Even if I didn’t have feelings for her. She deserved to have somepony pay attention to her for once instead of Cloud Chaser, even if I did so as a friend.

But as I fell asleep, I allowed myself to look across the room at the cute pegasus, still hoping that she would say yes.

I woke up to find Cloud Chaser sitting on the end of my bed.

“Morning,” she said.

I rubbed my eyes. “Morning.” I could hear shaking in the next bed over, but I didn’t look. It must be pretty early.

“So… I was thinking about last night,” Cloud Chaser started.

“Don’t worry about it,” I replied.

“I’m not,” she told me with a smile. She began to draw closer. My heart began to race.

I heard Rosemary make a muffled sound of fear in the bed next to me, and the low chuckles of several stallions to accompany it.

But my head wouldn’t turn.

Cloud Chaser crawled up to me seductively, and I knew she was going to kiss me. But what was going on?

“Please, stop,” Rosemary sobbed. There was a striking sound and a yelp of pain. The shaking sounds still continued.

What was I doing? Why couldn’t I turn my head?

Cloud Chaser put a hoof on my bare chest, and I wrapped one around her neck, her warmth spreading through me. I wanted to say something, but my voice caught in my throat.

My eyes closed as I moved into Cloud Chaser, and we kissed. And it felt incredible. For a moment, I was lost in bliss.

But as soon as it broke, I regained control. My head snapped around to see Rosemary, lying beneath a group of filthy raider stallions. They were raping her as she bled out of a slash in her throat, the life draining away from her eyes as her tears hit the sheets.

I awoke with a start, panting and sweating. I couldn’t help but look around. The barracks was dark. Cloud Chaser and Rosemary in their beds. Stable Two was quiet. And safe.

Now that I had regained my whereabouts, I knew it was a dream. But I also knew that it was no normal dream. It had to be the doing of the Blackheart. My dreams were never so specific, and this one seemed to be incriminating me about the things I had fell asleep thinking. How I had been a terrible friend to Rosemary. How I had ignored her in pursuit of Cloud Chaser.

I put my head in my hooves. Yes, I had been a bad friend, but I hadn’t been that bad, had I? The Blackheart was just trying to mess with me. I would just have to ignore it. After all, it was only a nightmare.

As I rose from my bed, though, the image of a used, tearful, dying Rosemary was burned into my mind.

Weariness overtook me once again as I shambled to the showers to clean myself of last night’s booze and dancing. I knew that I should have awoken refreshed. I almost got plenty of sleep for once. But I was a haunted pony, tormented not by a relic of dark magic. No, that was simply the engine that made my ghosts manifest. In truth, I was possessed by my fears, my doubts, by my flaws and mistakes, all of which I had intentionally catalogued and bred in the name of keeping myself pure, humble, and good.

This was not the way, I knew. But this was who I was. And the Blackheart knew how to stab at my weak points. It knew that all it had to do was make me fight myself, as I always had done. I think that was the cruelest part of it all. When I turned the faucet, not even the steamy water could soothe me because the weariness I felt was not external. It was caused by me.

I sat under the stream and sighed. The nightmare had awoken me rather early, and I was alone in the showers. I took my time. I pushed my thoughts away as best as I could. I wished I could be less self-destructive. I wished that there were less flaws for me to want to fix.

But amidst my self-pity, which I also found myself hating, there were twists of hope. Maybe one day I wouldn’t be so foolish. Maybe one day I wouldn’t be so selfish. Maybe one day I could be brave. One day.

My shower must have lasted for at least forty minutes, and it would have lasted longer, but I shut the water off when another pony entered. I had taken too long as it was.

I returned to the barracks to find my friends still asleep. But they were some of the few. In the halls I had passed hung over ponies and ponies performing walks of shame, but at least they were awake. My friends didn’t have more of a reason to sleep in than they did.

But in a moment of wisdom, I started with Ironbright.

I shook her gently, and her eyes snapped open. “Ebonmane? What time is it?”

“About eight,” I told her.

“Oh,” she seemed relieved. Her soldier’s discipline had not been broken. She turned to me as she sat up. “You alright?”

I nodded. “Nightmares.”

“About what?” she asked.

“Cloud Chaser. Rosemary,” I told her. I didn’t want to go into detail, but I didn’t want to hide from her.

“They’ll be fine,” she reassured me. “That’s why we’re here.”

“I know. You don’t have to worry about me.” I sighed during the pause. “I’m going to go wake them up. If you hurry you might be able to get the showers while they’re empty.”

“That sounds like a good idea,” she smiled warmly. She stood and left, and I felt a little better.

Knowing full well how heavy a sleeper Cloud Chaser was, I decided to wake Rosemary first. Besides, I had things to say to her.

I approached her bed, but as I stood over her, I tried to decide how best to wake her without being a total creep. I tried using a soft voice so I wouldn’t have to touch her. “Rosemary,” I said. She didn’t move. I tried again, just a tiny bit louder. “Rosemary.” Nothing.

Hoping for the best, I tapped her shoulder gently. “Rosemary.” I hoped she wouldn’t jump or be scared. Instead, she rolled over gently, her eyes opening slowly.

“What…?” she had no idea why I was waking her. Why was I waking her again? This didn’t seem like a good idea.

“It’s time to get up,” I told her.

“Oh.” Then she turned away from me. “Just give me a moment.” I don’t think she wanted me to see her this closely in the morning, her mane all messy and her face still tired, at least until she was fully alert. I turned my head anyway. I didn’t see why it mattered. It’s not like something as trivial as morning could turn a pretty mare hideous. Or even an average-looking one for that matter.

Appearances aside, I felt the urge to apologize for being a shitty friend. But I wasn’t sure how. Just bringing it up would be really awkward. But I didn’t see any other way.

I braced myself for the awkwardness with an intake of breath. “By the way, I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”

She turned to look at me, the wonder in her green eyes rousing her and causing her to forget about her looks. “Why?”

I knew what I had to say. But I didn’t want to. “Cloud Chaser and I have been getting closer…”

“What did you do to her?” she accused.

“Nothing!” I answered quickly. “I haven’t laid a hoof on her. What I was going to say is that I’m sorry because I haven’t been a very good friend. I’ve ignored you going after Cloud Chaser, and I never stopped to think about how that would make you feel.”

Well, I said it. I stood and stared, awaiting her response.

“It’s… I’m fine.”

There was a pause. I continued to dig. “How does it make you feel, exactly?”

“It doesn’t bother me,” she insisted. “I just don’t want anypony to hurt her, but I know you won’t. So it’s fine.”

She didn’t look fine. She didn’t sound fine. Sure, she didn’t sound broken and distraught and in need of a strong and handsome stallion to rescue her from her life of neglect and loneliness, but she wasn’t fine. So I made a big move and sat down.

Perhaps I had a death wish, but I decided to test her a little. “So what would you do if I pursued her?”

“That depends,” she replied. “How far would you go?” I shrugged. I was just trying to get a reaction out of her, to see if she could back up her words. She shook her head. “She’s a big girl now. She can decide for herself how far she wants to go.” It sounded like she was speaking to herself rather than to me.

“I don’t want to use her. I don’t even want to get into bed with her,” I admitted.

Rosemary looked slightly relieved. “Then what do you want?”

Somehow she had turned the tables, as I found myself thinking about my answer. “I guess I just want somepony I can be close with.”

Rosemary sighed. “I know she likes you. She’s just nervous.”

“She said she needed time,” I told her. She sighed again, but didn’t say anything. “She’ll always be your friend,” I said. “I don’t want to come between you two. And I don’t think she wants me to, either.”

“I know,” she said in a quiet voice.

I didn’t know what to say after that. “Are you sure you’re alright?” I knew she wasn’t, but I wanted to give her one more chance to open up, to tell me what was wrong. I knew I wasn’t the best candidate to dump her feelings on, but how many other ponies could she talk to?

“I’m fine,” she repeated. I sighed. At least I tried. “I’m going to go get a shower,” she informed me, giving her an excuse to leave.

Well, the last one left was Cloud Chaser. I was really hesitant to wake her, but somepony had to do it or she would likely sleep in forever.

I went over to her snoring form, the covers wrapped around her like she was locked in battle with them. I knew she was a heavy sleeper, so I didn’t bother with the soft voice, knowing that I would have to shake her awake.

It took a few moments, but eventually I got a groan out of her. She turned over and buried her face into her pillow. Was she really ignoring me? I shook her again, and she pushed me away, pulling the pillow over her head. I snorted. This was getting ridiculous. I gripped the sheet in my teeth and yanked it away. Her legs pulled up to her body, but she was forced to confront me.

“What!?” she snapped at me.

“We’re leaving today. We have to get up.”

She peeked out from under the pillow to glare at me. “It can wait.”

“No it can’t. Everypony else is up. We really shouldn’t waste time.”

“But hangover,” she informed me. She rolled around, and I got a better look at her face. Bags were under her eyes and her mane was kind of messy. Last night was definitely getting the better of her.

I shrugged my shoulders. “I’ll ask Ironbright if there’s something that can be done.” She continued to glare at me. I knew waking her up would get me on her bad side, but somepony had to do it, and Ironbright and Rosemary had passed the buck to me.

She just groaned again. “Where’s Rosemary? She always has something to make you feel better.”

“She went to the showers.”

“Perfect.” The promise of a hot shower was enough to get her out of bed. I watched her go. She was cute even when she kind of looked like hell.

After she left, I was functionally alone. Many of the other rangers were still in their beds, and I had awoken some of them, but they had just rolled over to return to their dreams.

Speaking of which, I recalled my nightmare. I hadn’t yet told anypony about it in detail. Or the last one. But I decided that I really didn’t want to. How could I describe to them that I dreamed about Rosemary being raped? And I doubted that my Blackheart explanation would fly with them, but I knew it was true. I knew my dreaming patterns. This was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. But I knew the Blackheart was accusing me. The events of both dreams were symbolic enough. But why? I assumed that I was the only pony undergoing these dreams, as the others had never awoken screaming yet. I just guessed that I was the first one to touch it, and therefore I was the target. But this wasn’t what I wanted to know. I wanted to know why it used my friends like this. What did it hope to gain?

I couldn’t begin to guess. But one thing was certain. The nightmares would continue. And if I was a betting pony, I would wager that they were only going to get worse. And who knows what else the wretched stone had up its sleeve.

Part of me wanted to destroy it. But it was no longer under my control. Ironbright had turned it over to Elder Hibiscus Tea almost as soon as we had arrived. The Elder hadn’t mentioned any nightmares she’d had lately, so either it really was only after me or she hadn’t caught on yet.

I knew I should tell somepony. At least one of them was bound to take me at my word. But I didn’t want to. These dreams… so far, they had been exposing my fears, one by one. I knew I shouldn’t hide my fears from my friends. I knew it was silly of me to worry about what they would say. But I did worry. And I did hide. That was a part of me I wasn’t ready for them to see.

Since I had completed my morning routine before any of my friends were even awake, and since they were mares and took a lot longer to get ready for anything than a stallion did, I knew I had some time to kill. I sorted my gear and picked up my armor, but after that I could only wander around the stable. This wasn’t as boring as one might think, as this had been Littlepip’s old home, and the place was drenched in history, but I was still pretty bored on my walk. I spent it in silence, as I didn’t encounter anypony I knew.

After that, I went to the atrium for breakfast. Once I sat down with my tray of oatmeal and dried fruit, I saw Ironbright walk in. Rosemary and Cloud Chaser followed soon after, and the mares all sat down by me.

No pony really said anything. There wasn’t much to talk about. Cloud Chaser was still looking hung over, and we had the wisdom not to comment on her night. Rosemary seemed to have withdrawn further into herself. Ironbright observed all of us, but decided not to speak. And I had just as much reason to be silent as the rest of them.

Without conversation, we ended up eating quickly. The ponies around us were like us: tired, just hurrying so that they could leave on their own tasks. We all downed our bland meals, our bowls containing only fuel for the excitement that lay ahead of us. Despite their sleepy eyes, every ranger seemed prepared to go and fight what they would face. I couldn’t say the same for me.

When we finished, Ironbright and the rest sighed as they helped me with my armor, the task simply tedious at this point. The younger mares walked ahead, ready for this journey to be over with so that they could get back to their lives. Ironbright stopped me near the big stable door. “Are you sure about this?”

I nodded solemnly. Thunderfall might not be the most important target in the wasteland. Stopping him wouldn’t fix anything. But he was a target, and in a wasteland that was like a young plant, it needed all the help it could get if Equestria was to mature and blossom. He was a weed, and for better or worse, we were the ponies that had been selected to uproot him.

Squinting my eyes against the harsh summer sunlight, we headed out of the stable’s safety once more. Our hooves kicked up dust along the road that had become familiar to us. And my friends and I, a small band of hardy wastelanders, headed toward our fate, walking side by side, together for possibly the last time.

By this point, I shouldn’t have been surprised. After a few hours, it was back to the same thing. Heat, muscle soreness, and an uncomfortable silence. Sweat, pain, and boredom. At least my armor felt a little lighter. Perhaps I was getting stronger.

But not too much stronger. After our first break, I tried to rise and struggled to do so. Ironbright helped me up.

As we trekked north, the sparse patches of grass and scrawny trees fading into a general gray, dusty expanse dotted with wreckage and scrap metal, my steps once again getting heavy, my breath turning into pants under the sun, I began to feel like a burden on this mission rather than an asset. Now that we had Ironbright, I felt a lot better about our chances, but that didn’t mean that I was useful to the group. Empirically speaking, I had to be at least as useful as Cloud Chaser and Rosemary were, but was I even necessary in this fight against Thunderfall? Or would I end up in the way?

We would likely be infiltrating someplace, and Cloud Chaser was quiet as the night, especially in her stealth armor. Apart from Ironbright, Rosemary packed the heaviest gun, and had good ideas to boot. Ironbright’s usefulness couldn’t be overstated. But me? What did I offer? Ironbright also had a PipBuck. I wasn’t stealthy. I wasn’t particularly resilient. I didn’t pack a lot of firepower. All I seemed to possess that was noteworthy was my sword and romantic sense of justice. And considering I was bringing both of these to hellish gunfights, I should have been dead by now.

At least with this mammoth armor I could jump in front of a bullet and expect to live, within reason. Meat shield Ebonmane, away. As my weight began to drag me down, I did feel more and more like a pile of meat encased in a metal can.

Without conversation to vent my feelings, or at least distract my from them, they began to fester. I had decided that a pony left alone with his own thoughts was rarely a good thing. The Ministry Mares knew long ago that friendship was necessary for our survival, and theirs was a cautionary tale. But each of my friends had their own thoughts to manage, their own feelings, and we isolated ourselves, creating fortresses of loneliness for our minds. We needed to be friends now. We needed whatever morale and unity we could get. But what could I say?

Rosemary had made it clear that she didn’t want to talk to me by how persistently she pushed me away. The ball was stuck in Cloud Chaser’s court, as my confession had left a great deal of awkwardness between us, and her decision to wait to give me an answer left us stuck. With Ironbright, it wasn’t that there was something between us, but not enough at all to bridge the gap of unfamiliarity. I was beginning to know her, but not enough yet to depend on her to rescue me from my loneliness. She likely didn’t know me that well, either. She pushed ahead, either ignorant of our personal exiles or suffering from one herself. I couldn’t tell which.

The trip to Manehattan would take three days. Three days of this self-made anxiety. Sweat. Pain. Exhaustion. And now I could add loneliness and worry to that list of constants in my life.

The ruins of Manehattan appeared on the hazy horizon, the better part of a day’s walk away. I had traveled some during my foalhood in Junction Town, but not this far yet. Manehattan was a famous bed of danger, even now, and while Tenpony Tower was there to stake a place for stability and civilization amidst the crumbling city, it was not exactly a defense force for the ruins.

We all knew this. As soon as we were surrounded by towering walls and were stepping over broken glass and rubble, we were on a timer. Get in. Stop Thunderfall one way or another. Get out.

The wind seemed to sputter and die as we entered Manehattan. We moved in almost complete silence, every step and clank of armor seeming all the louder for lack of noise, and our confinement to these narrow streets and alleyways. My PipBuck’s automap looked like a maze.

My nerves were wound pretty tight. I was the first to pull my guns and sword out, and while this may have spooked my friends, they did so as well. Better safe than sorry. We had no idea what might be lurking around each corner. Literally. I didn’t know what to expect. Raiders? Ghouls? Other monsters? All seemed to be contained by these silent, empty streets, teeming, waiting to jump at us.

“Maybe we should regroup at Tenpony Tower,” Rosemary suggested. “They might know where to find Thunderfall. It’s got to be better than roaming aimlessly around the city.”

Cloud Chaser and I agreed. Ironbright didn’t say anything at first. When we looked at her, all she said was, “At least we can get more healing potions.” We only had one. Turns out that Ranger medical supplies were thinly stretched, and went on a strict-need basis, as with a dying Rosemary.

So we changed courses. Ironbright led the way, but I kept my eye on my map in case it named a building that seemed likely to house Thunderfall.

We didn’t even make it close before we heard a mare shouting.

“Somepony, please! Help!” She was distressed. Not hysterical but something was clearly wrong.

We didn’t even question if we should help or not. She wasn’t too far away. “Stay put! We’ll find you!” Ironbright called in the loudest voice I have ever heard.

“Over here!” the mare answered.

On the other side of the block we saw a familiar face. The pegasus who had saved Silver Bell from rape by taking her place. Midnight.

“Midnight? What are you doing here?” Cloud Chaser asked.

“You know her?” Ironbright said.

“She was going to be sold to Thunderfall when we rescued her,” I explained. My two other friends ran up to her.

“My sister was taken by manticores!” she told us. “We were on our way to Friendship City and we must have gotten too close to their nest and…” She looked like she wanted to cry, but didn’t.

“How long and which way?” Ironbright asked.

“About ten minutes that way,” Midnight said. We started to move.

Ironbright took over. “How did you escape?”

“I ran. I learned zebra techniques at Glyphmark, so I beat them off of me. But when I was safe, Moondancer wasn’t with me.”

“You can fight?”

“You’re not going in without me.”

Ironbright paused for a moment. “You know that it would be a miracle if your sister was still alive, right? Manticores don’t play with their food.”

Midnight spoke adamantly. “She’s smart and she’s fast. Maybe she found a hiding spot. Their nest is in an old rail station. There’s plenty of ways for her to escape.”

“Alright,” Ironbright said to all of us. “Manticores are fast, but not too bright. If we enter their nest, they’re going to rush us. We just need to run and gun. Just don’t get cornered.”

We nodded. But already I was having serious doubts about this. We shouldn’t be taking Midnight. She was unarmed and distraught. She could die just as easily as her sister. But I understood her determination. She wouldn’t be swayed.

I floated out a pistol. “Here,” I told her.

“I don’t need it,” she said.

“Just in case.”

She took it and its holster begrudgingly. “What about you?”

“I have another, and armor to boot. But how would your sister feel if you died trying to save her? Every little bit counts.”

She sighed in acceptance. There wasn’t time to argue.

We were sprinting and flying, so it didn’t take Midnight too long to lead us to the Four Stars station she spoke of. It had been about fifteen minutes since her sister, Moondancer, had been taken by the manticores. Maybe she could be alive.

The station had two levels, a lower entrance and an opening through which the elevated railroad exited. The track was rusted and shoddy, barely standing. The station could have housed maybe fifty manticores, if I was guessing their size correctly. It wasn’t too big, but we couldn’t just peek in and hope to find her.

“Rosemary, you have the loudest gun,” Ironbright gave the cue as we stood outside.

Rosemary concisely squeezed off two rounds, our ears ringing as she reloaded and we waited. By the time her gun snapped closed, we could see black wings emerging from the building.

My heart stopped. They were huge. Their hulking bodies were at least four, maybe five times the size of an average pony. Their segmented scorpion tails were as thick as my neck, the stingers viciously sharp, as were their fangs. With their bushy manes and natural bulk, I feared that my sword wouldn’t be able to hack through their necks, and I knew it would take a lot of bullets to bring just one down. But there was no going back now. What had we gotten ourselves into?

Ironbright didn’t waste a second, her twin machine guns primed and blazing the moment we saw them. Her aim was good, and she was tearing into the massive throng of winged death that descended on us. Rosemary focused on the closer ones, her gun doing exactly what it was designed to do. It seemed like every bullet she fired brought one down. It was just a shame that she could only shoot twice before reloading, but she was doing so with nearly mechanical speed at this point. Cloud Chaser and I fired our pistols, each round barely causing them to flinch. Even so, I grew hopeful as the feline carcasses began to pile up at the base of the station.

But we couldn’t shoot fast enough. There might have been twenty of them, and it took them not even ten seconds to reach us, even as we backed away. Half of them were down as their claws extended toward us, and almost all of the rest were at least wounded. Hopefully we could finish them off.

That’s where I came in. I knew Ironbright could take care of herself, but the other mares were far more vulnerable. Blade ready, I became a permanent linebacker. The manticores began to dive toward us, landing, surrounding, and cutting us off. I kept close to Rosemary, coming between her and a charging manticore. I discouraged it with a few shots from my pistol, but hacked at it with my sword to finish it. It roared as it pressed forward, its body smelling like mud and its breath like rotting meat. It took four swings to kill it, and I had to block swiping claws as it surged forward, fending off its attacks with my blade. I was lucky that my magic afforded me more range than it had, despite its size. Turning to face another, I didn’t bother with SATS, instead aiming down my sights at its huge head as barreled at us. I fired three shots, two of them piercing the brain and killing it.

I hadn’t seen Rosemary or Cloud Chaser back away, leaving me and Ironbright pinned in a melee as we became their closest targets. I felt claws rake against my back, glancing off the plates. Once again, my legs didn’t fare so well as my haunches were ripped at through thin gaps in the metal. I leapt away, certain that my armor would be useless against their fangs.

The wind was knocked out of me as another one pounced on me, pinning me underneath its weight. The impact had loosened my weapons from my grip, and I turned to raise a hoof, jabbing for the manticore’s throat as it went for my own. I found contact, but I only managed to delay it, its thick mane blocking most of my punch’s impact.

Suddenly, it stiffened and fell with a thud, and Midnight gave it another kick to help me lift its dead weight off of me. She had snapped its spine with a single punch. The dark pegasus was better than I thought.

No time to think, though. As I got to my hooves, Midnight was tackled by another one. This is what I saved SATS for. Before it could bite, I raised my gun and moved around to the side, deciding to fire a few rounds into its belly, hopefully getting the lungs or heart. I hit neither, but all three of my bullets landed, and the beast reared and roared. Midnight drew the gun I gave her and fired point blank. A spray of blood exploded from the head.

Ironbright and Rosemary were finishing off the last of the manticores, so I went to Midnight to help shove the manticore carcass off of her. I put my shoulder against the brawny body, but it wouldn’t budge. Midnight wasn’t helping from underneath.

Cloud Chaser came to help, and we got the monster off of her. She was moving, but there was a large, red spot in her thigh, and blood mixed with a black ichor was dribbling out of a wound. The manticore had stung her. She looked up at us, weak and in pain.

Now that I could see the poison, I wasn’t going to rely on whatever magic the others thought I had. I knew what to do. I quickly pressed my hooves to her upper leg to cut off blood flow and prepared to suck out the venom. But before I could press my lips to her wound, she jerked, and I paused. She was fighting me.

Cloud Chaser took over, weaving in between her and me. Midnight wouldn’t relax until I had taken my hooves off of her, and once I did, Cloud Chaser continued treatment. After a few moments, Rosemary came around with a healing potion, and Ironbright told Cloud Chaser to stop, and that the potion would do the rest. Midnight drank it, and after a few moments of catching her breath, she was able to stand.

Nothing was said as she pushed past me. But I knew what had happened. She was so afraid of stallions after her rape that she couldn’t help but refuse my touch, even though I was clearly helping her. Whatever that monster, Chain Gang was his name, had done to her must have been bad.

I didn’t have time to be depressed though. Every moment could be the difference between Moondancer’s life or death.

Ironbright kept a cool head. “Rosemary, you and me will clear the bottom floor. Ebonmane, Cloud Chaser, Midnight, go in through the rail entrance and clear the top floor. Move slow, and he’s got the armor, so let him lead, ladies. Don’t hesitate to run if you need to. If you find Moondancer, get her out then fire a single shot from outside.”

“Ironbright, I can’t fly up to the second floor with this armor,” I reminded her.

She frowned at me. “Rosemary’s magic should help you up. Now let’s move.”

Rosemary wrapped her levitation around me, and I beat my wings. I tried to use my own levitation as well, but that was so exhausting that we made more progress without it. I was clearly not Littlepip. With Rosemary’s power, though, enough weight was lifted from me that my wings were able to clumsily carry me to the rails, where I could walk into the building.

Midnight and Cloud Chaser formed up behind me. Cloud Chaser, miraculously, had not suffered any wounds, and the gashes on my hindlegs were minor despite the blood flowing. The entrance ahead was a great shadowy opening that threatened to swallow us. But any remaining manticores would have to be much deeper within. As we proceeded, I lit up my horn, signaling to a live Moondancer that ponies were there, and drawing any manticores away from her.

The room we entered was long and relatively bare, a tiled floor rising a good distance above the tracks and leading further inside. Musty cobwebs wound around the metal beams of the ceiling, obscuring any other features of the room. The pegasi flew the five or six foot drop from the floor to the rails, turning back to help me clamber up in my bulky armor.

Once we left that room, we were surrounded by darkness, my horn our only source of light. The ceilings were lower and the halls were narrower, with plenty of smaller corridors that could hold all sorts of nasty surprises. But Moondancer could be hiding down any one of them. So we walked together and peeked down every one until we could see a dead end. Midnight began to call her name. We weren’t exactly going for stealth, and how many more could there possibly be?

We found the stairs down, and as we passed them we heard the crack of Rosemary’s gun. They found manticores. Cloud Chaser couldn’t help but dart down to check on our friends. She came up moments later. “They’ve got it covered,” she reported. At least that was good.

We found ourselves headed into a more open atrium, possibly a waiting room. The long room was nearly impossible to navigate with all of the broken benches and trash cans, not to mention countless other pieces of scrap metal that came from Celestia knows where. This room seemed empty, but doors on all sides of us betrayed our safety.

One by one, we poked through them. We found nothing in the first couple, but the third yielded results. A large kiosk dominated the room where train tickets were once sold, but the countertops had been smashed and raided long ago. We froze when we saw manticores, these ones not possessing manes, lying sleepily with bundles of little manticore cubs. Their young wings were stubby and their tails lacking the potent stingers, but their mothers looked agile and dangerous.

But we had to continue. Lying at the top of the kiosk, standing at the sight of us, was a dark blue mare. Moondancer.

We motioned for her to come to us. If she could stay quiet, we might be able to make it out without a fight. Besides, I really didn’t want to kill the cubs. Even if they were monsters, they were just animals. They didn’t need to be exterminated.

One of Moondancer’s wings were broken, and one of her hindlegs. How she managed to get on top of the kiosk safely, I had no idea, but perhaps she had done so during the commotion we had caused outside. Her only choice had been to lay there and hope that something would distract the mother manticores before she expired from any number of causes, from thirst to blood loss to discovery.

Midnight signaled that she would continue. I was too loud when I moved, and if something did happen, I wouldn’t be as effective if I was bogged down carrying another pony on my back. With painful silence, Midnight slinked into the room. She didn’t even dare stir a wing for the noise it caused. She stepped over broken shafts of wood and wound her way through the manticore piles, carving a path that never drew too close to them. It seemed to take forever, but Midnight eventually reached the base of the kiosk.

Moondancer inched forward slowly, preparing to slide down the side to minimize her fall distance onto Midnight’s back. Cloud Chaser and I held our breath.

She slipped, falling onto Midnight with a heavy thud and a stifled yelp of pain.

The manticores raised their heads.

Cloud Chaser moved like lightning. She knew we were caught, and she wasn’t giving these beasts time to pounce on the pegasi. Drawing her pistol she flew out and fired at the nearest targets, putting bullets through brains before the mothers could rise to attack.

I ran out to meet Midnight, now sprinting while she carried her sister. The manticores began to fly, and I fired at them to halt their advance, sword ready to tear into the first one I could reach.

They all pounced at once. I was lost in a flurry of claws, fangs, and tails, smelly fur and roaring jaws. I felt myself being bitten. I felt stingers and claws scrape against my armor, but the throng of bodies prevented the venomous tips from reaching me with any real force. One set of jaws pierced my shoulder, but I managed to shake her off by cracking the hilt of my sword against her skull. I didn’t have to kill all of them. I just had to get out from under them.

I shoved into them, my wounded shoulder screaming at me as it gave a fresh spurt of blood, my wound opening. Their weight fell where I was, and I placed them behind me, firing my gun into the pack as I sprinted as best I could. They were chasing me, but Midnight and Moondancer were almost into the atrium. We could make it.

Cloud Chaser fired more bullets to get them off of me. I ran like crazy. The pegasi around me seemed like they would be safe, but now I was the one at risk. My shoulder threatened to give with every step, the weight I put on it feeling like it would crush my bones, but my adrenaline carried me through. The door was just ahead.

We continued firing. I continued running. I didn’t feel their hot breath on my back. I didn’t feel any more claws or fangs. They backed off. At least the ones behind us did.

Only now did I realize that blindsiding was a manticore hunting strategy.

A lone mother came screaming from the side, bursting through the door as Midnight and Moondancer passed through it. She toppled the pegasi over, fixing on Moondancer, mauling her.

Midnight reached the manticore before Cloud Chaser and I could fire enough bullets to kill it. Swift and fluid as wind, she kicked it in the back, causing it to rear its head, allowing her to snap its neck.

Cloud Chaser and Midnight dragged a bloody Moondancer away from the door, but we weren’t pursued. The mothers didn’t want to leave their cubs now that the threat had passed beyond their vision. They laid the wounded sister down.

Her gashes were too numerous to count. Her coat was more blood than fur. She was gasping for air.

“Ebonmane, do something!” Cloud Chaser pleaded.

“What?” I asked. I didn’t have any healing potions.

“Heal her! Like you did with Rosemary.” Tears of fear and panic were streaming from her eyes. Moondancer was a dying pony.

I knelt over her, pressing my horn to her chest as I had done with Rosemary’s wounds. I poured my magic into her, willing it to save her. I felt it well up in my horn, but it wouldn’t flow out. The energy just seemed to leave me and dissipate into nothing.

I started to cry. It wasn’t working. Moondancer’s breathing was shallow. She was spluttering, blood bubbling from her lips, seeping out of every slash. But they just wouldn’t close.

“Celestia, please, save her!” I thought. “Help me heal her! I did it once, I can fucking do it again!”

But I couldn’t do it again. Suddenly, she stopped moving. Her eyes froze, staring lifelessly at the ceiling. She wasn’t breathing. No heartbeat. Moondancer was dead.

Midnight patted her cheek to get her to wake up but she wouldn’t. Tears streamed down the dark pegasus’s eyes as they scanned her sister’s body, looking for any signs of life, but there were none to find. Finally, she pressed her bloody head to her dark shoulder, sobbing, whispering, begging her sister to come back, but she wouldn’t.

I sat, frozen. Moondancer had died right before my eyes. Because I was unable to save her.

Midnight managed to keep it together better than I did. She stood and began to leave, refusing to look back at her sister’s corpse. Cloud Chaser and I weren’t as strong. The blood was beginning to pool as we left.

When we made it outside, I felt like I couldn’t breathe myself. I stared at the rails, trying to process what had just happened. I couldn’t. My mind wouldn’t cooperate.

A crack of a pistol brought me back to the present. Midnight lowered the firearm and spit my gun out at my feet. Thoughtlessly, I levitated it back onto my side, strapping it where it belonged.

A few moments later, Ironbright and Rosemary came out. Nothing was said. They could see our faces. Rosemary helped me fly down, but going down was harder than going up. I landed heavily, my wounded shoulder finally giving, and I fell to the ground. I started to cry, now that it was done and over. Midnight walked away from us, but her sobs were louder than mine. I heard Cloud Chaser explaining what had happened. My friends stood over me. I saw Rosemary’s hooves in front of me, but no pony touched me. Tears hit the ground from heads above.

This was the cost of trying to be a hero, of trying to save everypony. No matter how hard I tried, I would fail. And every failure would cost life. I learned this lesson the hard way.

We wordlessly headed to Tenpony Tower. The manticore nest had wounded me and Ironbright, my captain having several broken ribs from manticore bites. We couldn’t fight Thunderfall like this. But I wasn’t sure I wanted to. I couldn’t have another pony die on my account.

The fabled tower rose ahead of us, tall and austere. Guard ponies and snipers were situated at all levels of the tower, but wounded ponies and the presence of Ironbright in her red armor marked us as friendly. I was glad that rangers were better received in the wasteland nowadays.

Ironbright spoke with the guard captain, giving her a short version of our story. I couldn’t see what she looked like behind her armor, but long blonde mane and high voice signaled that it was indeed a mare, and it appeared that the two knew each other. We were quickly escorted into an elevator, heading to the medical facility.

“I owe you one for taking out those manticores, Ironbright,” the captain said. “Would have done it myself, but we just don’t have the firepower that you do.”

“It’s not firepower you lack. It’s tactical knowledge,” Ironbright retorted curtly. “If I can go in with me and four civillians and come out with what I came in with, then your contingent should have made short work of them.”

“We would have. And we would have gotten the mare.” All of us glared at her. But nothing more was said as the doors opened.

The captain didn’t stay with us, going back down in the elevator. The nurse who tended the lobby called the doctor, named Blue Breath, and showed Ironbright and I to an exam room where we laid on metal tables.

A black stallion with a blue mane, dressed in a white coat, entered. He was middle-aged, but the years were doing well for him. He smiled, tough but kind. His voice was rumbling as he spoke. “Just going to look you over.” Look was all he did, not poking or prodding until he had assessed the damage. Ironbright and I stared at the ceiling, just waiting for the pain and bleeding to stop.

The nurse, named Suture, helped us, mostly me, out of our armor as painlessly as possible. The shoulder plate was the only part that caused me to wince and gasp in pain, but once it was off I already felt better.

From there the prescription was painkillers and healing potions. We were helped into beds, Ironbright and I looking at each other solemnly. We didn’t have to speak. We were both disappointed. We were both upset. But we would both survive. Her gaze, however, begged a question. Would I fight another day? I looked away only to think, returning it when I knew the answer was yes. I had come too far now to give up. And now I had a score to settle. I had to do better next time.

As we settled in under the white sheets, Blue Breath asked the nurse to step out with him, leaving us alone.

“Ebonmane,” Ironbright said, staring straight ahead at the wall. I turned to her. “It’s not your fault she died. You’re not a healer. We know that. Don’t take responsibility for that.”

I nodded, but didn’t say anything.

We sat in silence for a long time after, wondering where our doctors were. Should we just go to sleep? They were probably just telling Cloud Chaser, Rosemary, and Midnight that we were okay.

But it wasn’t our doctors who entered the room next. It was a white stallion with a red mane, the only sign of age being the stray silver hairs in his mane. I recognized his red heart cutie mark, though. Standing before us was another hero. Life Bloom, the unicorn healer and expert spellcaster.

“My, my,” he said. His voice was soothing warm. “I didn’t expect to see you again.”

“Me either,” Ironbright replied. Was there a pony she didn’t have history with?

“Your parents don’t yet know that you’re here,” he told her.

“And it’s going to stay that way.”

Her parents? Ironbright was born here? She ran away? This was too much to process.

Life Bloom chuckled. “Of course. No pony can recognize you in that helmet, anyway. Your secret is safe with me.” There was a pause. He continued, sitting near the edge of her bed. “But I am curious, why have you returned?”

“We’re here on Ranger business, and we got sidetracked. Nothing we can control. We’ll be out of your mane as soon as possible.”

He smiled. “I doubt that. You’ve always been a thorn in Tenpony’s side, even after you left.”

“It’s been twenty years. Ponies still remember me?”

“Oh, it was the scandal of the century,” Life Bloom said emphatically. “Your parents still haven’t lived it down.”

She scoffed and he laughed. I think I missed something.

But he stopped teasing her to look toward me. “But who’s your friend here?”

“A new knight. Ebonmane.”

“Pleasure,” he said evenly to me. I nodded in response. I was too busy trying to keep up to properly respond.

Blue Breath came in at that point. He shot a cutting look at Life Bloom. “How many times do I have to tell you not to bother patients?”

Life Bloom gave a snarky smile in response. “It doesn’t matter, darling. I’m your boss.”

“But they’re my patients, love,” Blue Breath said with venom. “And I say out.” Life Bloom stood, shaking his head and left. He butted his head playfully against Blue Breath, but the doctor was having none of it. The black stallion turned and said, “Go to sleep. You’ll feel better in the morning.” Then the door closed and they were gone.

There was a long silence. I was surprised Life Bloom was still here. After the Book of Littlepip, I would have imagined that the Twilight Society, of which he was probably now leader, would have moved to a more secretive spot. But it also seemed likely that he had abandoned the Society altogether to settle down.

“I left when I was thirteen,” Ironbright said abruptly. I hadn’t even gotten to the mystery of her story yet, but I started to follow along. “It was during the Enclave attacks. My parents were throwing all of their money around, hiring everypony they could to guard our family.” She paused. “It was selfish. It was corrupt. Even I could see that. I had always hated the dresses and the etiquette. It was clear I wasn’t going to turn out to be a catch to any of the stallions. All I would ever be worth was their money. Their family name.” Now she sighed a weary sigh. “I wanted more. I saw the bad guys, and I saw no pony in this whole Celestia-forsaken tower lifting a single hoof to help.”

“What about DJPon3 or the Twilight Society?” I reminded her.

“They were in the tower, but they weren’t a part of it. They kept to themselves. Everypony else was too busy rubbing their money into their Luna-cursed cunts to give a flying fuck about anypony. But I knew that there were others. The Rangers had always been looked down on by the tower, but the Applejack group was different. Oh, my parents still hated them, but I saw a chance. A chance to put everything I had to use. A chance to make a difference, instead of lying around, burning money and popping out foals to carry on some fat bastard of a stallion’s precious name.”

I nodded. I understood. Ironbright had never cursed so colorfully, and the bitterness in her voice was loud and clear. But I also knew that she was telling me this so that I, too, wouldn’t be trapped here. To remind me that we had a fight to win. We had a wasteland to change. She knew I was losing it. But she didn’t want me to give up. Her foalhood may have been filled with misunderstanding and anger, but her adult life had become one of valor and intellect. I might regret today, just as she regretted her family, but it would get better. I would improve. I would make a difference.

Sleep came quickly to my tired, sore body, but the seeds of my future were already sewn.

When I awoke, Cloud Chaser was sitting in a chair near my bed. She was raking a small stone across my sword, sharpening it for me, and it was the scraping sound that woke me.

“Thanks,” I said to inform her that I was up.

She smiled at me. I looked around. Ironbright was not in the bed next to me.

“What time is it?” I asked.

“Dark-something,” she responded. I felt a lot better. Stiff, but my wounds had closed. I wasn’t hooked up to anything, so I climbed out of bed. My legs moved awkwardly, but I made them cooperate. “You have got to stop doing that thing where you jump into a mob and don’t die,” she said. “It’s not good for you.”

“As long as I don’t die, I don’t see why not,” I told her.

We began to walk, exiting the clinic, Cloud Chaser leading me to the beds that had been arranged for the night. I wondered if Ironbright’s influence had gotten us our rooms, or if it had been Rosemary’s negotiations.

My stomach growled as we entered the market floor. Only the restaurants were open at this time of night, and I hadn’t eaten nearly enough to fuel my suicidal actions. I knew the restaurants would be over-priced, but it didn’t matter. I picked a cheap one and got the food to go, just so I could shovel it in faster. Packaged rice, canned vegetables from two hundred years ago, and weak tea. Fifty caps. I fully expected the pricier ones to make me sign a contract for my firstborn colt.

But I sat on a fountain in the center of the plaza, listening to DJPon3’s music echoing throughout the empty space.

“How’s Rosemary holding up?” I asked.

“Fine,” Cloud Chaser responded. “She’s been with Midnight. Honestly, sometimes I think that little unicorn is the strongest one out of us. She hasn’t cried once since she got here.”

This implied that Cloud Chaser, and possibly Ironbright had shed their fair share of tears. But I didn’t want to think about Midnight. So I said, “How about you?”

She nodded. “It’s rough. I… I know our chances were slim, but I honestly thought we were going to make it.” I could see tears forming in her eyes, but she wiped them away and sucked it up. “I’m sorry, by the way.”

“For what?” I asked.

“I shouldn’t have pressured you like that. I just thought that…” She sighed.

I wanted to hold her. She needed a hug. She needed to not feel alone. But I knew that such an act would be teeming with romantic undertones. I didn’t want to pressure her like that now. She wasn’t ready to think about that yet.

But the tears kept coming, and I couldn’t just leave her there. So I slid over to her and wrapped a wing around her.

She buried her head into my neck. She cried.
“I’m sorry,” she said after a few minutes, wiping my fur with her hoof.

“You needed it,” I told her. She smiled and nodded.

“You’re a good friend, Ebonmane.”

But I didn’t want to be friends. Cloud Chaser understood me, and I understood her. Now, however, it felt like she needed me. She was strong, but I helped her. I gave her support and comfort. A shoulder to cry on and an ear that always listened.

I wanted her.

So I leaned down to kiss her. She didn’t stop me.

Her sweet breath washed over my face. Our lips met. I could taste the tears on her lips.

We parted. Something was very wrong.

She looked at me like I was a raider. I wanted to ask her what was wrong, but I didn’t know where to begin. Why was she looking at me like that?

She pushed away from me, and I didn’t fight her. After a few moments of tense silence, she stood and said, “I’m going to go check on Midnight. Give Rosemary a break.” I nodded and let her go.

I followed her. She was going to talk to Rosemary. I had to know what they were saying.

I was a whole elevator cycle behind her, so when I walked down the hall toward their room, the two mares were well into their conversation. Cloud Chaser was speaking now.

“I can’t describe it Rosemary. It wasn’t bad, really. It wasn’t good. It was just…”

“Wrong?” Rosemary supplied.

“Yeah.”

Rosemary sighed. “I can’t believe he did that.” My ears flattened, and I was crestfallen already. But I kept listening.

“Don’t blame him.”

“But you weren’t ready. You said so.”

“I know, but…”

“No buts. I don’t care if it was just a kiss. He should have known better.”

There was a long pause. “What are you going to say to him?” Cloud Chaser asked.

“Nothing. I don’t want to talk to him right now. And you shouldn’t either. We should just kill this Thunderfall bastard and be done with him.”

Cloud Chaser seemed to be crying now. “It’s not like he raped me, Rosemary! It was just a kiss.”

“Then why do you feel so bad? Why was it wrong?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“I do. It’s because he just wants one thing. He said so in his hearing.”

“You don’t really believe that, do you Rosemary?”

Rosemary sighed again. “I don’t want to. But I’ve been talking to him more, too. He’s... he’s a good pony. But he’s blind. He doesn’t see the obvious. He didn’t notice that you didn’t want to kiss him.”

“I did a little,” she admitted in a small voice.

It sounded like Rosemary gave Cloud Chaser a peck on the forehead. “Well, you don’t have to anymore. You owe him nothing, okay? He’s probably going to be upset when you tell him you don’t want to be with him, but don’t let him guilt trip you.”

“I don’t think he’d do that.”

“…You’re right. He’s just going to beat himself up. But that’s not your fault, either, alright?”

“I know…”

I had heard enough. I left.

The elevator doors opened, and I pulled the lever to take me downstairs. I needed to take a walk. I needed to clear my head. I needed to think.

As I left Tenpony Tower, making sure to nod to the guards so they would let me back in, part of me felt like I should just keep going. I wondered if any of them would miss me. If they would fight Thunderfall without me. What they would tell Ironbright.

I stepped onto the sidewalk, the cracked concrete underneath me a chore to navigate with my still-healing legs. I hung my head. Questions flooded to me. Why did I do that? Why couldn’t I control myself? What did my friends see in me that they found so dark, so repulsive?

Even when I kissed her I knew I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was only thinking about getting my first kiss. All I wanted was Cloud Chaser. And I let out a breath, like I had been punched, when I admitted to myself that I really wanted her in the worst way. If she had returned the kiss, would I have stopped? Would I have let her? Things would have just escalated until I had given everything to her. No. Until I had taken everything from her. I knew I wouldn’t be giving her anything.

But Celestia castrate me with Her horn if I couldn’t stop to think in that situation. But I knew I wouldn’t. I so wanted to be strong, virtuous, and romantic, but I knew now that as soon as things heated up all of that would go to the wolves. This was a part of me that I didn’t know existed. I thought I was a stronger stallion when it came to my body. To my lust. I wasn’t.

And Rosemary knew that. And Cloud Chaser saw it, too, as soon as our lips met. That simple touch had been a conduit directly into my heart, and she had seen all the ugliness within.

“This is why you hide,” I told myself. “This is why you don’t tell them about your nightmares. About your thoughts. Once they see the real you, they know just how big of a liar you are.”

So much for my first kiss.

I finally looked above me, and against the slivered moon I saw a form flying. Midnight. Was she leaving? I had to know.

I flew up to meet her, and she turned and dove to alight in the street, still on the same block as the tower. “Where are you going?” I asked her.

“Friendship City,” she said. “You?”

“I’m just out,” I told her. She nodded, spreading her wings to take off again. “Did you tell the others?”

“Rosemary knows, so don’t worry,” she said.

But before she left, there was one burning question I had to ask her. “Can I ask you something?” I hesitated.

“Go ahead.”

“Why won’t you let me touch you?”

She drew back. “I don’t have to explain myself to you.”

“I just… do I scare you?”

“All stallions scare me. Not just you.”

“But I would never…” I insisted.

“Never what? Rape a mare?” She sighed. “Face it. You’re a stallion. You have desires. I’ve seen you looking at Cloud Chaser. I saw you looking at Silver Bell. You’ve been thinking about them ever since we parted ways. And no, you might not rape them, but even if they agreed to be with you, don’t you think your desires would get the best of you? Do you think you would never pressure them to do something for you because you were pent up? Or because you felt lonely? You would use them. It’s in a stallion’s nature.”

“That’s not true,” I came back fiercely. “Ponies use one another. Not just stallions.”

“Even so. Mares and stallions use differently. At least you don’t deny it.”

And she was right. I didn’t deny it. I couldn’t. How could I? Had I not just pressured Cloud Chaser into kissing me? And didn’t I agree that I was incapable of controlling myself? I would use her. I would use anypony. For my own selfishness. For my own pleasure.

“But why do you hate me so much? I saved your life. And I nearly died trying to save your sister’s.”

“I don’t hate you. I’m just disappointed,” she said. She looked away from me. “I asked Life Bloom about healing magic. He said that in order to use it, a pony has to have light in their heart.” Her silver eyes glinted harshly as she looked at me. It was the most accusing gaze I had ever received.

With nothing more to say, she spread her wings and flew away. I felt fresh tears forming in my eyes.

Moondancer had died because I was too selfish. Because I was too weak. Because I had darkness in my heart.

I walked around the block some more, but I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I cast about, looking at all the buildings and the sky above, trying to find an answer. But I was dwarfed by my surroundings. I was alone in this city, trapped by its towering skyline that made the sky, my avenue of escape, feel so far away. I was crushed under the massive weight of what I had done, the pain I had inflicted, the bodies of ponies I had killed laying at my feet, Moondancer on top of the pile that felt like it was a growing mountain of bloodshed and guilt. But mostly, I was crushed by the giant of my own dark heart. My great adventure, the gaping future that had once stretched out before me was now a sentence written on the walls of my soul, and it decreed that the only things that lay ahead of me were more bloodshed, more failure, and more heartbreak. Each act committed by my own hooves ever so willingly.

It didn’t matter how good I tried to be. This wasn’t something I could overcome. My failures, my faults… they were a part of me. My selfishness, loneliness, doubt, callousness, and lust were my true colors. And everypony knew it. Ironbright thought she could train and reform me. Cloud Chaser thought I could overcome them. And Rosemary saw the truth.

But they were too great to get rid of. They were bigger than myself. They controlled me; I didn’t control them. I had always been guided by them, ever since Silver Bell, probably before then, and I always would be. I would always seek companionship to make myself feel better. I would always take and never give, never opening myself up. And I would never stop, because that was the kind of stallion I am.

The worst feeling in the world is realizing that you aren’t what you thought you were, and that night I felt so bad that I just wanted the night to swallow me. I wanted Manehattan to swallow me. I wanted to swallow me. I wanted to stop feeling these things. I wanted to cease my pathetic existence. Or at the very least, stop feeling anything at all.

But there was no way to do that. Ironbright would lead the others to fight Thunderfall tomorrow, with or without me, I knew. And I would go. Maybe to dull this cold realization and make me feel better about myself, or at least to provide a sturdy meat shield to those poor mares that I myself had dragged into this stupid fight in the first place.

The Blackheart’s nightmares called to me, beckoning me to succumb to my sleepy body, and I had to concede. I headed back to the tower. My room was nice, and the bed was softer than most, but my sleep was doomed to be tumultuous. I was wracked by my self-torment, and by the torment that Midnight and all my friends had inflicted upon me.

I wanted to go to them, to tell them that they were wrong, to prove to them that even despite all the truths I had learned, that there was some good in me. But I couldn’t find it. So I cowered in my bed, knowing that once tomorrow was over, we would no longer be friends. And I would be all alone.