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Twilight Manages to Screw Up More Than Usual

by Fire Gazer the Alchemist

Chapter 6: The Klutz

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Derpy raced through the sleeping town of Ponyville, her hooves pounded the grassy knoll below her in a frantic attempt to propel her towards her destination. Up ahead, she saw a stout, wooden building come into view, and her pace quickened.

“Mornin’, Boss!” She burst through the glass doors of the Ponyville Post Office, panting like a dog. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t realize what time it was when I woke up and now it’s--”

“Seven-thirty,” Post Haste filled in for her. Derpy gave a sheepish smile as her boss sighed. “You can’t keep doing this, Derpy.”

“I know, I’m sorry.” Derpy hung her head. Normally she was punctual when it came to her job, but last night she'd broken her alarm clock due to unforeseen consequences of installing a ceiling fan, and subsequently wasn’t woken up on time.

"It’s just…” Post sighed. “I’m already thinking about benching you for a while. I mean, first you get injured--”

“It was an accident!” Derpy exclaimed. She bit her lip, and shot a look to her wing. Gauze tightly pressed it to her body in a wrap that she wasn’t allowed to remove for another three weeks.

“It’s always an accident, isn’t it?” He shook his head slowly.

A cold sweat formed on the back of Derpy’s neck. Several memories of her other infamous accidents flashed before her eyes, and with them came round after round of Post's disappointed stare. “But I was able to complete all my deliveries yesterday!” Derpy added.

“It took you half the day to deliver a single bag of mail,” Post reminded her. Derpy cringed internally, and he scratched his blue chin in thought. “Look, technically, you were supposed to be working the night shift when you got hurt. If you want, I can give you workers compensation, but you’ll need to take a few days off in order to--”

Her eyes widened. “Wait, no! Boss, give me another chance. I… I don’t even have to deliver any mail today, I’ll take sorting duty.” It hurt to say the words.

They both knew that sorting mail was a job for a fledgling mailmare, not a pony with years of experience like her. Even more substantially, it meant she wouldn't be out in the field where she belonged. The rush of the morning breeze, the feel of well-worn mailboxes, and the smiles she got when delivering a long-awaited package were all about to be traded for the cramp, stuffy back room and about a million paper cuts. Still, it was better than nothing.

Post Haste chewed on the inside of his cheek, considering her offer. "Well..."

It was good enough for Derpy. "Thanks, Boss!" She scampered over to the mail room, and tossed open the door. She was hit with the overwhelming scents of sweat and aging envelopes. The sounds of papers rustling were barely audible through the whir of the air conditioner. Before her sat tables and bins aplenty each overflowing with packages, and papers. In the thick of it all sat the most junior member of the Ponyville Post staff: Blossomforth.

"Good news rookie," Derpy chirped. Blossomforth turned around, a confused glance visible on her face.

"Huh?"

"You're on delivery duty today, now step aside."

Blossomforth moved, but not without protest. "B-but I haven't been trained for--"

Derpy's dismissive wave cut her off. "Just grab a mailbag and go for it, kid. I can handle the sorting today." As she spoke, Derpy confidently leaned against the nearest table. It gave a sharp creak as a warning, before the legs gave out. "Ah!" Derpy fell the the ground, flailing, bringing the table with her. The jolt sent many of the envelopes flying into the air. Many reached the vents near the top of the room and found themselves blown about. In the meantime, the back if Derpy's head whacked open a box, spilling packing peanuts everywhere.

Blossomforth let out an "eep" of surprise and retreated from the mess. Derpy groaned, and tried to sit up. Post Haste rushed in to respond to the commotion, hooves crunching a few styrofoam peanuts as he did. He sighed, observing the scene before him that had transpired in a mere ten seconds.

"Boss, It was an accident, I swe--"

"Derpy, go home. I'm putting you on leave until further notice."

Her ears folded down. " At least let me help clean up."

Post shook his head. "Blossomforth and I can handle it." The rookie mailmare groaned in protest.

"A-all right." Crestfallen, Derpy picked herself up and walked towards the door.

"I can't believe she had to go and Derp this up," she heard Blossomforth say.

"Cut her some slack, Blossom. She's just... clumsy."

Derpy bit her tongue for fear of saying something she'd regret and left the post office.


Twilight diligently scanned over the motley of papers before her. It had taken her most of the night, but she'd finally organized all of the information Princess Celestia sent on the Elements of Harmony, but her compulsive need to arrange the letters into neat, easy to access piles had finally been satiated.

"Okay," she said, her horn sparking to life. The first note floated up to her line of sight. "Now we can begin."

She heard the sound of the library door fly open. Subsequently, a gust of air was pushed her way, and the letters she'd painstakingly organized scattered.

"Oh come on!" Twilight cried. She whirled around to the culprit who opened the door and unthinkingly yelled, "thanks a lot!"

It took her only a second to realize the mare she had snapped at was Derpy.

“O-oh… sorry.” Derpy’s ears folded down. “I didn’t know…”

Twilight sighed. “Forget about it.”

“Are you sure?”

Her horn ignited, clutching as many papers as possible in a soft, purple aura. “Yeah,” she said though her teeth. “It’s fine.”

“I really am sorry, Twilight. I just wanted to check out a few books... seeing as how I have a lot of free time on my hooves now.” Derpy looked to the ground as Twilight stacked the letters into one painfully unorganized pile.

“I said it’s fine, Derpy.” Twilight glanced at her, still standing forlorn in the doorway. “Well, come in I guess.”

“N-no, it’s okay. I don’t want to mess up anything else today.” Derpy turned, preparing to leave the library.

Twilight saw Derpy’s obvious emotional downcast. She looked from her exiting acquaintance to the mountain of paper next to her. Her compulsive nature screamed for her to reorganize everything. Shooting another glance at Derpy, she forced the need down.

“Wait,” she called out. Derpy paused, turning back slightly. “Come in, you look like you could use a talk.”

“Are you sure?”

Twilight nodded. “Spike!” she called out. “Did you remember to prepare a pot of tea this morning?”

“Yes,” he shouted from upstairs. “It should be just about ready.”

“Thank you.” Twilight indicated for Derpy to return. “Would you like some tea?”

She offered a smile. “Yes please.”

They walked to the kitchen and were greeted by the shrill sound of a tea kettle screaming. Levitating the boiling beverage from the stove, Twilight pointed Derpy towards the table.

“Here, let me get the cups at least.” Derpy trotted over to the nearest set of tea cups, and grabbed two in her mouth. In doing so, she knocked at least another three to the ground. Twilight winced as the sound of shattering porcelain filled the room. “Oops,” Derpy said through her full mouth.

Looking at the soulful eyes of Derpy, Twilight sighed. “Don’t worry about it.” Derpy hung her head in a manner that told Twilight she was worrying about it, probably much more than she should. “Come on, let me pour you some tea.”

Setting the cups on the kitchen table, Derpy sat back and allowed Twilight to fill them to the near brim.

“Thanks.” She picked hers up and took a sip.

“So… you want to talk?” Twilight felt bizarre just saying the words. Derpy blinked, likely just as bewildered that her acquaintance had actually said that to her. “Look, I’m no psychologist, but even I can tell something is upsetting you. So talk.”

Derpy sighed. “...I’m a no good, ditzy klutz, all right?”

Twilight blinked. “Oh… is that all?”

“Is that all?” Derpy’s voice squeak with disbelief. “It’s everything, Twilight! My whole life I’ve been clumsy and it’s never done me a lick of good. I just got benched from delivering mail for one, but it’s worse than that. Day in and day out like clockwork I break dishes, bruise and batter ponies by accident, trip over my own four hooves... Most days I can ignore the looks I get, but it’s hard when they start calling you ‘That Ditzy Filly’ behind your back. Not to mention...” She stopped there, choking on her next word.

Twilight awkwardly stared, unsure of what to do. Since moving to Ponyville and being thrusted into interacting with ponies, she found the time in her busy schedule to skim a book on social conventions. This situation was not in that book.

“Uh… look Derpy, I don’t really know what it’s like to go through what you’re dealing with, but I have messed up before.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I mean, the Elements of Harmony…”

Derpy sat up, angry. “Are you really comparing what I’ve been dealing with my entire life to what happened earlier this week?”

Twilight winced. “Kind of… yeah.” Derpy groaned. “I’m sorry… I’m not exactly the best at comforting ponies. In fact I think this might be my first time ever comforting somepony. Perhaps I should make a list of the dos and don’ts so next time I can…” she trailed off seeing an annoyed look from Derpy. “Right, I’ll shut up now.”

“I just don’t know what to do,” Derpy lamented. “I mean, the look on my boss’ face when I Derped up the mail today was just… nothing but pity.”

“There’s that phrase again,” Twilight murmured. Derpy looked up. “This is the second time I’ve heard you mention ‘Derped up’ before. What is it? I’m pretty sure ‘derped’ is not in the dictionary as an official verb, and--”

“It’s my name,” Derpy interrupted. “A while ago some ponies started spreading that around town. Whenever they did something even remotely klutzy, the would go ‘oops, looked like I Derped that up’. It caught on really fast.”

“That’s… awful,” Twilight said. “You can’t just take somepony’s name, make it a verb, and then go around claiming you’ve made a new word! There’s a whole process behind…” she trailed off once again, this time derailed by a sniffled from Derpy. “I’m so sorry, I swear I didn’t mean to--”

“Forget it. Thanks for the tea.” She stood up while pointing to her cup, but her hoof accidentally made contact and spilled her drink all over the table. “Dang it.”

As she started to leave, Twilight rose from her seat. “Derpy, wait.”

“What?” Derpy frowned back at Twilight, daring her to give her a reason to stay.

“What if… what if I could cure your clumsiness?”

Derpy’s body did a complete one-eighty, and her whole demeanor perked up. Her one free wing extended and fluttered joyfully. “Really? You can do that?”

Twilight realized she may have misspoken. “Uh… no.” Derpy deflated. “But, I can try to help you get it under control a little.”

“...How?” Her tone was heavy with skepticism. “I mean, if you can get it to a point where I could go back to work, that would be great, but I just don’t see how.”

“Well,” Twilight stepped past Derpy and into the library. She walked over to the shelf lined with some of the heaviest tomes she had and selected two of them. Trotting back to Derpy, she held them in her magic. “You said you keep tripping over yourself, so maybe it’s a balance problem. So here, I’ll put these on your head, and you’ll walk around a little while trying to keep them from falling off.” She levitated the books over Derpy’s head, who subsequently backed up.

“Uh… how is this supposed to help?”

“For one, it’ll confirm if balance really is your problem, and if it is, this will help improve it.”

Dubiously, Derpy glanced up at the books. “But… what if I mess it up?”

Twilight chuckled. “Derpy, it’s just two books. What could go wrong?”


Bon Bon trotted up to Golden Oaks Library, one determined goal blaring in her mind: get a cookbook. Earlier today she’d received an order for a pastry she’d never heard of before, and -- after getting over the shock of there being such a thing as a pastry she’d never heard of before -- she realized the best thing she could do for this situation was get her hooves on The Pastry Chef’s Ultimate Cookbook, and she also knew from experience that it could be found at Ponyville’s library.

As she approached however, she grew slightly concerned. A quick cursory glance of the library told her something was wrong; specifically the book covered in broken glass that was right below a shattered window.

At first Bon Bon was confused; then she remembered that the library was under new management. Still determined to get the cookbook despite whatever weirdness was going on within the walls of the library Bon Bon cautiously approached the door. When she opened it, the door, she instinctively gasped.

The library was in total disarray.

Nearly all the shelves lining the walls had been emptied, their contents spilled onto the floor in a paper landslide. What little that still clung to the shelves looked more like beached whales than literature. Twilight stood off to the side, pupils mere specks and jaw agape. In the epicenter of whatever disaster had occurred, stood a very sheepish pegasus with a book on her head.

“Oops,” Derpy whispered.

“What happened in here?” Bon Bon asked, gesturing the tornado-aftermath like room.

“I…” Twilight blinked, coming out of her shock. “I was trying to help Derpy with her clumsiness…”

“Oh, that explains it.”

Derpy nodded in return, the book tumbling from her head and bouncing all the way to Bon Bon’s hooves.

“Hey,” she said, leaning down as she recognized the title. “There’s that cookbook.”


“So, you’re no longer a mailmare?” Bon Bon asked, tucking her recently checked out cookbook into her saddlebags.

The three of them currently walked through town. It had been decided that they could all stand to get a little fresh air and distance themselves from the disaster area that was the library. Twilight has left a disgruntled Spike to begin the clean up before limping out the door with her acquaintances. It was a relatively lull time right now, still earlier in the morning. Not many ponies were milling about, so they were free to talk without accidental eavesdroppers or face Twilight’s worse fear: more ponies joining in on the conversation.

“No, I still am,” Derpy clarified. “But I’m being given workers comp, and my boss won’t let me work until I’m better.”

“Oh, so it's like a paid vacation then.”

“I know, isn’t it terrible?”

“Are you crazy?” Bon Bon asked. “I’d be elated to have one of those. Work at the confectionary is killer sometimes. What I wouldn’t give to have one.”

Derpy glanced up and jokingly grinned. “You wanna trade with me?”

“Uh…” Twilight could practically see images of the shop on fire flash across Bon Bon’s eyes. “You know, come to think of it, vacations are overrated anyways.”

“Okay.”

“I am sorry that I couldn’t help you out too much, Derpy,” Twilight said. “I really thought your problems originated from imbalance.”

Derpy shrugged. “It’s okay. Oh, and… sorry about the library.”

Twilight waved her splinted hoof dismissively. “That was more my fault than yours. I had no idea books could ricochet like that.”

There was a brief pause as they continued walking. Nopony was quite sure what to say. Derpy still had an ambience of melancholy about her, and Twilight wasn’t sure how to proceed in their clumsiness correction exercises. Her working idea was a potential discectomy to potentially discern if her accident prone nature was the result of a physical attribute. However, she doubted Derpy would be keen on the idea.

“Why don’t we stop by Vinyl and Octavia’s place and ask them what to do?” Bon Bon suggested.

Twilight blinked. “Uh… what? Why?”

“Think about it,” Bon Bon said. “They both have to perform in front of large crowds without messing up even the smallest thing. Surely they have some sort of grace under pressure type thing that they’ve perfected.”

“Well, Octavia sure, but Vinyl?” Twilight snorted. “Vinyl Scratch and grace don’t exactly sound like they go together.”

Bon Bon held up a hoof in surrender. “Fine, you have a point there. I still think we should ask. What’s the harm?”

Twilight sighed. “Fine.”

“Uh… shouldn’t I get a say in this?” Both of them turned to Derpy.

“Oh yeah.” Twilight tilted her head in Derpy’s direction. “So what do you want to do?”

“Uh… Octavia and Vinyl sound like an okay idea to me…”

Twilight gave an all-knowing smirk, having anticipated that answer. “Well then let’s go.”


It had taken a while to find the home of Octavia and Vinyl. About a minute into their search, the trio realized they had absolutely no idea where the pair lived. It was only after they’d found a small trench dug into the ground -- likely a remnant of Vinyl dragging her amp home after the Summer Sun Celebration debacle had ended -- that they had been led straight to their house.

They now sat in a circle around the fragile looking coffee table that was in their living room. Vinyl sat on the couch next to Bon Bon, using some of her sound equipment as a hoofrest. Octavia opted to bring chairs in from the kitchen for herself and Twilight, while Derpy was directed to the safest and sturdiest piece of furniture in the room: a large upholstered recliner.

“So… you’re a klutz?” Vinyl asked, sinking into her couch. Derpy nodded. “Okay… and how does this concern us?”

“Vinyl, don’t be rude!” Octavia wasn’t close enough to slap her friend, and merely settled for a glare.

“I’m just wondering!” Vinyl protested. “Why even bother coming to us?”

“Bon Bon’s idea,” Twilight muttered. The mare in question smiled at Vinyl.

“Right… well, what do you want us to do about it then?”

“Vinyl!” Octavia appeared to be seriously considering getting up just to slap her.

“Well… uh… we were just wondering if you guys would have a way to supress my clumsiness a little.”

Vinyl tapped her hoof in thought “Maybe you’re just careless ‘cause you’ve never had anything crazy expensive to worry about breaking. Could that be it?”

“I once broke a two thousand bit piano when I lost my first foal tooth. You tell me.”

“Eh, two thousand ain’t all that much.” Vinyl kicked herself up, and strolled around. Her line of sight eventually settled on a tiny vase near the back of the room.

“Vinyl…” Octavia warily warned. Twilight bit the inside of her cheek, fearing where this was heading.

The vase levitated up into the air. “This fun little guy here is at least five thousand bits. I remember ‘cause Tavi was really anal about it when we were packing up to move.”

“Uh… I’m not so sure this is a good idea,” Bon Bon interjected.

“Vinyl, put down that vase this instant!” Octavia demanded.

“Sure thing, Tavi.” Vinyl turned to Derpy. “Catch.”

The vase flew from it’s magical hold, and sailed through the air. Derpy let loose an “eep” of surprise and held up her hooves to protect her body. Octavia cringed, letting loose a few choice words as she did. Before the impact, Twilight’s horn sparked to life and caught the projectile.

She heard a simultaneous sigh of relief and groan of disappointment.

“Thanks a lot, Smart Mare. That could’ve worked!”

“Hmmph. More likely it would have meant you owe me five thousand bits. You’re lucky Twilight was here. Thank you, by the way.”

“No problem,” Twilight replied, setting the vase back in it’s proper place.

“I’m just glad I didn’t take a vase to the face,” Derpy said, wiping her brow in an effort to display her relief. “I guess we should head out before Vinyl throws something else extremely valuable at me.” She stood up, only have her hind hoof catch her tail beneath it. “Ah!” Derpy’s momentum worked against her and she tripped, landing directly on the coffee table. It broke under her weight, giving off a crunch sound.

All four spectators gave matching winces, and Bon Bon swooped down to help Derpy up. She spat out tiny splinters of wood, and gave a sheepish grin. “Oops.”

Octavia slapped her forehead while Vinyl burst out laughing.

"Sorry," Derpy murmured, as she tried to get up. Even with Bon Bon's assistance, her hooves still needed to get a bearing, and ending up breaking what little remained of the coffee table in the first place.

"Don't worry about it, Derpy; the coffee table wasn't important. Are you all right?"

"It's possible that I now have several hundred splinters, but I'll be fine."

"Good to know," Twilight used her magic to brush away bits of the table and give Derpy a clearing to stand on.

Vinyl came down from her laughing fit. "That was pretty awesome, Derpy."

"What... really?" She blinked, confused.

"Totally. Next time I go to a mosh pit I've got to bring you; I can just imagine the possibilities now."

"Thanks?"

Octavia groaned. "You can go to one of your frivolous pursuits of violence later, Vinyl Right now I'd appreciate it if you help me with the remnants of our table."

Vinyl thought about it for a moment. "I'm gonna have to take a raincheck on that one, Tavi."

As her eyes narrowed, Octavia scowled. "Excuse me?"

"I think we'd better go... like, right now," Bon Bon whispered to Twilight. She nodded, and grabbed Derpy. They managed to be out the door before the first shout echoed through the house.


“So… what are you guys coming to me for?” Lyra asked.

Twilight and Bon Bon looked at each other and shrugged. It had been a spur of the moment decision to escape the argument that had erupted between Octavia and Vinyl over their now destroyed coffee table.

They stood outside Lyra’s tiny cottage, Derpy still spitting, insisting that there was a splinter still stuck on her tongue somewhere. Lyra herself looked rather sleepy, likely having to wake up to answer the pounding on her door.

“We’re running low on options,” was the excuse Twilight went with. “Do you have any idea what to do about Derpy’s clumsiness?”

“I’d always assumed it was incurable,” Lyra admitted.

Bon Bon groaned. “That’s quitter’s talk, Lyra. Come on, you must have some idea.”

Lyra gave it some thought, and shrugged. “I really don’t know. Maybe try magic?”

“I don’t know of any spells that would deal with this kind of thing. Unless you want me to keep a permanent magical hold on her in order to prevent her from ever moving again, thus reducing the amount of probable accidents to zero.”

Lyra blinked. “What?”

“I vote no!” Derpy called out.

“I agree, that is a terrible, terrible idea.” Bon Bon kicked the ground. “I guess we have nothing else to try then.”

“Oh…” Derpy sighed. “So I’m stuck on worker’s comp then?”

“I guess so. Sorry Derpy.”

“Hey, for what it’s worth, I think you’re pretty great, clumsiness and all.” Lyra smiled.

“Thanks,” Derpy half-heartedly said.

Bon Bon put a hoof on Derpy’s shoulder. “Hey, want me to whip you up a few muffins?”

“Yeah, that’d be nice.”

“I think I’ve got some mix in my kitchen,” Lyra said, pointing inside. She and Bon Bon trotted in. Derpy followed, but stopped, realizing that Twilight wasn’t following them.

“Is something wrong?”

“No, not really.” Twilight looked away. “I was just thinking about getting back to the library. Spike probably needs my help with the clean up.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay for muffins?”

“Yeah,” Twilight started to walk away, but turned back. “Hey, Derpy… I’m sorry we didn’t manage to fix your clumsiness.”

Derpy smiled. “Oh, that’s okay. Plenty have tried, but nopony has ever really succeed. And in all honesty, I’m kind of glad we stopped. I was causing some pretty bad accidents.”

“Yeah, you were.” They shared a short giggle.

“But you know what? I think I am feeling a little better about myself. It kinda helps to know you girls are on my side… and that you don’t get too mad when I do screw up.”

“Well that’s a relief. I’m glad to know I didn’t waste an entire morning of would-be research for nothing.”

“Oh yeah…" she realized, eyes widening. "You know, I really can’t believe you broke away from work just to help.”

Twilight nodded. “Same here. But I saw how upset you were, and… I guess I just wanted to help you out a little.”

Derpy’s smile grew wider. She leapt over and wrapped Twilight in a hug. It was sudden, and definitely violated Twilight’s sense of personal space, but Derpy seemed to realize this and pulled back before too long.

“Thanks,” she said. “I don’t know a lot of ponies who would do that for me.”

“No problem,” Twilight smiled.

“See you around?” Derpy asked as she headed inside Lyra’s house.

“I guess so, sure.” They exchanged a wave, and Derpy shut the door. Twilight walked away, keeping that same smile on her face.


“Spike, I’m home,” she called out as the door behind her.

“Hey, Twilight.” Spike grinned, standing proudly at the forefront of a pristine library.

“Wow,” she said, examining the room. “You did a really good job.”

“Thanks, it was nothing,” Spike said nonchalantly, priding himself on doing so well.

Teasingly, Twilight raised her eyebrow. “Really? So I guess you don’t need a break then?”

Spike laughed. “No, no, I definitely could go for some rest.”

She nodded toward the stair, giving him permission to hit the hay for a while. He bounded to them faster than Twilight could blink, and before too long she heard the bedroom door shutting. Smiling to herself, Twilight trotted over to her research, and was pleasantly surprised to learn that Spike had reorganized all of Princess Celestia’s letters for her.

Smiling to herself, she sat down, her injured hoof glad to be given a chance to rest after so much walking. Her horn ignited and she picked up the first letter in the first pile. Before she began reading it, however, Twilight’s eyes unconsciously darted over to the Elements of Harmony. They returned to the page a moment later, and then Twilight’s entire body went rigid.

Rocketing out of her chair, Twilight dove for the Elements, wanting to be certain that her eyes weren’t playing tricks on her. They weren’t.

A soft glow emitted from the jeweled tiara; and every so often miniscule twinkles could be seen from the top.

There was no denying it.

The Element of Magic was sparkling.

Next Chapter: The Lyrist Estimated time remaining: 6 Hours, 51 Minutes
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