ROB's Speed Fics
by ROBCakeran53
First published
A collection of ROBCakeran53's one hour speed fics.
This is a collection of ROBCakeran53's (Me, dur) speed fics that I have done in the past, and hopefully will continue to do in the future. The rules are simple. I have three friends, two of whom (without talking to one another) think up two random characters in the MLP universe, and the third one thinks of a location. After a couple minutes, I am told the names and place I must write. I then have exactly one hour to write what I can. For the sake of your sanity (and not exploding this "story") I will only publish ones I managed to finish.
I will breeze through them to give minor edits for grammar, but otherwise, I will not touch them after my time is up.
Lets see what kind of destruction I can cause!
Gummy, King Sombra's horn, Canterlot Theater
Author's Notes:
According to Gdocs, I wrote this on Nov 6th, 2013.
Speed fic
Prompts: Gummy, King Sombra's horn, Canterlot Theater
Blink
The tiny green reptile looked around. The massive stage, the thousand or so seats, and the near sky high ceiling were overwhelming for a creature as small as he.
“You're sure you want to hide it... here?” A familiar voice asked.
Gummy looked up, spying his master conversing with another pony. One of her friends, so he assumed. They spent a lot of time together, so they had to be.
“Of course Twilight! This is the best place to hide it. No pony would ever think to look here.”
The purple mare looked around, still unsure. She set down a levitated box as she marched towards the stage.
“Okay Pinkie, lets find a good place to hide it then. It has to be somewhere nopony would ever think to look.”
“Okie dokie lokie!” The pink pony then looked down to her pet. “Gummy, guard the box!” She gave the small reptile a salute.
Blink
Pinkie Pie nodded in approval and bounced after her friend.
When his master had told him he would be entrusted to “guard” something, he took it seriously. Sure, he's guarded a few treats and snacks from many customers, but nothing so important as this. Granted, he didn't even know what was in the box, only that his master told him to guard it. So that's what he did.
Gummy promptly jumped on top of the box, laying flat on his belly to guard it. He didn't move; to move would blow his cover. If he remained still, he'd be invisible. No one would suspect an invisible alligator guarding the box.
“Well now, what is this?”
An unknown voice spoke up. The janitor pony picked up the box, Gummy still attached, and place it on his cleaning cart.
“Somepony must have lost their jewelry box and a toy alligator.”
Should he react? Attack the pony taking the box? Then again, he didn't seem to be noticed. Gummy thought about the many stories his master had told him before bed. Was this pony... a spy? He had to be. He was too unusually normal. No one suspects a janitor. He should have disguised himself as that.
With a cheerful whistle, the pony pushed the car down the hall, ignoring the occasional blink of the tiny alligator.
Gummy knew that if this pony were stealing this box, then he made the mistake of not checking for traps. The fact was, he was the trap. Instead of acting, however, Gummy chose to stay still. He wanted to see where this spy was taking the box. Maybe he'd be able to take down the entire spy network after it. From down the hall, he could have sworn he heard the scream of a familiar voice.
----------
“Got another lost and found for ya.” The janitor pony placed the alligator toting box into a pile of other misfit objects. “Some lass forgot her jewelry box and their foal's toy.”
“Oh, how wonderful.” The bemused voice behind the counter sounded like he wanted any other job than this one.
This must be his partner in crime.
Gummy wasn't any dummy, no matter how much those rhymed. They were after the box. He knew it. So he sat and waited.
And waited.
Aaand waited.
The ticking of a watch from the bowels of his stomach told him he had been waiting a long time, and that he was hungry. But moving could blow his cover. He needed a distraction. Looking around the other objects (other stolen goods from these spies, he assumed) he tried to find something, anything that could distract this guard pony in front of him.
His tail poked something, giving a gentle squeak in the process.
Jackpot.
Using his time gingerly, he turned and grabbed the small squeaky ball. Careful not to bite down too hard, he positioned it so it would roll out of the room. With a quick smack of his tail, it took off. The guard took immediate notice. In no hurry whatsoever, he got out of his chair and began to walk after the ball.
Success!
This was his chance, he needed to take it. Carefully Gummy did his best to pick up the box with his two front feet. However, it was too wide. Furthermore, too heavy. He tried to heft it on his back. Still no luck. He was running out of time. Only one option came to mind, and as much as he liked it, he also didn't like it.
With a hack and a cough, he choked up a small silver key. The very key for this box. His master had entrusted him with it. No one suspects an alligator.
He unlocked the box, careful not to let anything spill out if it was full. Luckily, it was not. Instead, inside sat a small sharp object. A claw? He wasn't sure. And it didn't matter. Quickly he grabbed it and stuck it in between his lips. This would be easier if he had teeth to grip it.
“What the-”
Gummy turned around, standing there was the guard pony in shock.
Drats! I've been spotted, my cover has been blown.
As quickly as one could waddle, he dashed between the pony's legs.
“Is that... a crocodile?”
Okay, sorta blown. It was still intact, for now...
The pony took many seconds to react, shell shocked at what he was witnessing. A small green reptile stealing something out of a box in the lost and found.
“Hey, get back here you thief!”
Gummy ignored the pony, instead finding a floor vent to scurry into.
“Blast it! He's in the ventilation! Security, this is the front desk. We have a wild crocodile in the ventilation. No, I'm not joking, I'm being serious. When have I ever-”
Gummy was out of range for the voice, trying to maneuver around the vents as best as he could. He needed to find his master. He needed to return this... whatever it was to her.
----------
He was trapped.
When he reached a fork in the road, he chose the left path. Bad choice apparently. Somehow or another he had gone from the floor ventilation to the ceiling ventilation. Worse yet, he had fallen through a already lose vent and fallen right in the path of several guard ponies, already on the hunt.
Now he was cornered. The ponies could already taste the blood on their lips. What would these spies do to him once they captured him. More so, what would they do with this claw thingie? In a panic, the tiny alligator had dropped it, it now sitting in front of him.
“Is that... a tip of a horn?”
The ponies began to back up, shock in their faces.
“Did that little crocodile just spit up a pony's horn? Oh Celestia, it's already ate a pony!”
I did?
They now feared him. He had to use this to his advantage. He snapped his jaws with fury, attempting to scare them further.
“No, wait, how could he have done that? He's got no teeth.”
Drats! Foiled again!
Quickly he grabbed the shard and waddled off, trying to outrun them.
“He's getting away, after him!”
The ponies would be on him in seconds, being much larger than he. A thought crossed his mind. They thought he was a crocodile...
“No one suspects a alligator” his master had told him.
With a toss of his head, and a flick of his tongue, he swallowed the shard. Whole.
“Gotcha!” The captor guard announced.
Or so he thought, as Gummy wiggled his way out of the pony's hooves.
“What the-”
He then clamped onto the pony's foreleg, using his tail as a pendulum he threw himself at the pony's mane and latched on. Momentum was on his side.
“IT'S IN MY MANE! GET IT OUT, GET IT OUT!” The stallion screamed like a little filly.
As the next pony drew near, aided by the thrashing pony he lunged at it, clamping onto its face.
“AAAAAAHHHHHHH! IT'S TRYING TO EAT ME!”
The pony began running in circles, causing Gummy to feel a little sick. If this continued, he's bring up the shard he was tasked with protecting.
When the chance arose, he let go and was flung away towards a set of double doors. He was once again in the auditorium where his adventure had began.
“Where did it go?” One pony shouted.
“I'm not sure, I was too busy TRYING TO NOT GET EATEN!”
More hoof stomps echoed in the room. Was this more spies after him? Well, he was ready.
“Oh, there you are Gummy! We've been looking everywhere for you.”
His master, at last.
“YOU FOUND HIM? OH GOOD, WHERE'S THE BOX? IS IT WITH HIM?”
Pinkie Pie looked around, shrugging. “Nopey lopey. Not here. Somepony must have taken it, and Gummy tried to chase after them.
She knew me too well.
“That's ridiculous. They probably just took him by accident-"
Hey now...
“- but right now, we need to find that box! King Sombra's horn needs to be hidden so that no one will find it.
Oh, it was a horn.
His master looked down to him, thinking. A smile then came across her lips.
“It's okay Twilight. It's already been hidden.”
Twilight looked to her friend in shock. “It's... been... WHAT?”
Pinkie nodded. “Yuppers! It's already been taken care of. So relax, lets go get lunch!”
Simultaneously, Pinkie's and Gummy's tummies rumbled.
Blink
“How can you be so sure? I mean, who would have done it.”
“Relax Twilight, I know these things. It was someone we know.”
Twilight looked pained, but asked further. “How do you know?”
Within a nano second, the lightbulb in her head clicked on. At the same time, though in different tones the two ponies answered-
“Pinkie Sense.”
Twilight let out a moan, but looked to her friend with a hopeful expression.
“If you're sure Pinkie.”
She nodded.
“Fine, alright, lets go get lunch.”
Twilight walked past the pink pony and alligator, walking through the set of double doors where many ponies were scurrying around in search of a small crocodile.
Pinkie looked down to her pet, her loyal companion. She grabbed him by the back of the neck and flopped him onto her head, his usual resting place of choice.
Pinkie Pie walked through the doors with a wide smile on her face.
No one suspects an alligator.
Filthy Rich, Sapphire Shores, Canterlot Tower
Author's Notes:
This was apparently written on October 12th of 2012. Also, thanks to one of FimFic's laws about song lyrics, I had to cut out a couple snippets. I couldn't just remove the lyrics, cause a few lines wouldn't have made sense. I'm not sure if this still works or not, so I'll let you be the judge.
The streets of Canterlot bustled with activity. Ponies going about their business, running their businesses, and minding their own business. Though, that wouldn't last long, as the pony of pop herself, Sapphire Shores soon hit the street. Ponies all around gazed in amazement at her latest apparel. A sea of whispers took over the streets, marveling at the famous pony.
“Mmmhmmm, this dress is S-S-SENSATIONAL!” She loudly announced. “My my, that Hoity Toity knows how to hit them out of the park.”
She didn't even try to be subtle about it. She loved the attention, absorbing it like a sponge. It's what helped feed her stride, stepping a bit higher than usual as a show of power. Though, not high enough. One second she was looking at the many ponies looking at her. The next, she saw sidewalk.
The ponies all around gasped in shock, some rushing over to check on the pop diva.
“Miss Shores, are you alright?”
“Oh my, I think she's hurt!”
“Somepony call an ambulance!”
“I'm-I'm fine everypony.” She said, sitting up. However, there was something stuck between her rear hooves.
A brown stallion was laying on the ground. A bag next to him. Sapphire admired his mane styling. He was on the higher end of some corporate ladder, she was sure. The suit and tie gave that away. He soon opened his eyes. They were blue. Sapphire was taken aback, they were such a beautiful blue color, possibly more radiant than the gems on her dress.
“Oh, my. I beg your pardon, miss-”
“Shores. Sapphire Shores. And what is your name, honey?”
The tired looking eyes of the stallion seemed to brighten up. To the ponies who knew him, that was very rare.
“The name's Filthy Rich, but please just call me Mister Rich.”
Sapphire rolled the name in her head. It was familiar.
“I own the largest store chain in Equestria, Rich's Barnyard Bargains.”
Sapphire frowned slightly. Nope. Must have been another Rich she knew. Then again, there were a lot of rich ponies in Canterlot.
“From that exotic dress, I'd imagine you're quite the popular pony yourself. Missus Shores, was it?”
“No no, darling. Miss Shores.” Her eyes glistened. She'd never felt so obliged to promote her being single so quickly. Especially to some random stallion who had tripped her.
“Well, it was a pleasure Miss Shores.” The stallion stood, but soon began looking around on the ground once more.
By this point, the crowd of ponies had, mostly, dispersed. Only a few stragglers remained, intent on drooling over the pop star. She, however, couldn't stop looking at the stallion. He wasn't the best build pony she had ever seen, but something about him caught her fancy. His stern, but thoughtful tone of voice? Maybe his suit, simple for a pony of his status.
“Tell me, Mister Rich, what was it you dropped?”
He looked back to Sapphire Shores, surprised she was still there, though also happy she was.
He cleared his throat. “My watch, I was checking the time when another pony passing by knocked it out of my hooves. You'd think it would be easy to spot, but by now I'm sure some pony has trampled it to tiny pieces.”
He sounded hurt by that notion. “Surely he could just buy another, couldn't he?”
“What's so special about it, I'd imagine the owner of the largest store chain could just buy another, right?”
He nodded, but still looked hurt. “Yes, I could. That is, this watch was special. It was a gift from my...” He paused a moment. Sapphire looked on with curiosity, waiting for him to continue. “... my late wife.” He finished, shakily.
A small knot formed in the bottom of her gut. She had never dealt with such an issue before. Then again, she had never found a pony worth marrying.
“I'm so sorry, Mister Rich. Let me help you then.”
Filthy looked to her surprised. “No no, it's alright Miss Shores. You don't need to.”
“Let it be an apology for bumping into you.”
Since the passing of his wife, Filthy Rich actually cracked a smile.
“Wasn't I the one who tripped you?”
“Precisely, which is why you'll be buying me dinner tonight.”
“I'm what?”
Before she'd allow him to question any further, she began to search the ground. Which was made nearly impossible by the amount of traffic on the street. She frowned. The expression on Filthy's face showed he felt the same way.
“It's going to be impossible to find it with all this foot traffic, I'm afraid.” Filthy said doubtful. “I might as well just give up. It could have fallen into a sewer at this point.”
Sapphire Shores looked to the saddened stallion. His eyes had returned to their droopy expression. She hated the idea of this kind stallion to leave without his precious watch. Unless...
“Mister Rich, I have an idea. Just you wait here a minute.”
Filthy looked to the pop diva. “What are you going to do?”
“What I do best, honey. When I give the signal, you'll have plenty of room to look.”
Again, Filthy looked skeptical, but obliged and waited as the mare marched out of view.
After several minutes, he began to think she had doped him and left. But she did say he owed her dinner... why would she say that, just to leave like this? Suddenly, ponies began to all run in one direction, where Sapphire had taken off to.
“What did she do?” He questioned.
The answer soon came to him.
“OHH, BABY. HERE I AM. SIGNED. SEALED. DELIVERED, I'M YOURS. MMMMM.”
Her voice was booming. She must have appropriated a megaphone from a local store, and was now singing.
And wow was she hittin' it off! Somepony must of brought her a soap box, or something to stand on, because now she towered over the crowd. Her lungs filling the city square with booming music. Filthy Rich was so absorbed in her vocal talent, that he almost forgot to search for his watch. This must have been the signal.
He quickly scurried the now barren street. Soon, he found it. Within inches of a sewer drain. A couple minor scratches, but still operational! He held it up with a hoof, so Sapphire could see it. She cast him a wink, and kept on singing.
Her voice was amazing. It nearly knocked the wind out of him. He had thought her name had sounded familiar, and now his thoughts were correct. The soul of music. The diva of pop. Sapphire Shores.
Several minutes went by. Sapphire had finished her song, and was fighting her way through the crowd of ponies she had created. Finally, after giving a few autographs and hoof prints, she returned to the spot where Filthy was standing in awe.
“Well, I see it worked.” She said, tapping the golden pocket watch now in his pocket.
“Yes it did, Miss Shores.”
“Please, Mister Rich, you can call me Sapphire.”
Rich's heart began to flutter. He was about to say something he only allowed two ponies to ever say to him, one of which had been his mother.
“Sapphire, you can all me Filthy.”
----------
“Ha ha ha, oh what a story Filthy.” Sapphire Shores chuckled as the two walked down the street lighted sidewalk.
“Oh yes, that was one I got from my father before his passing. He was quite the humerus pony, I must say.”
“Well Filthy, thank you so much for the dinner. It was M-M-MAGNIFIIIICENT, YEAH!”
Now it was Rich's turn to laugh. “Must you do that every time?”
“I'm sorry, but I can't help myself. I speak from my soul, sugar.”
“I've noticed.”
The rest of the walk, the two remained silent. At times, it seemed they didn't even know where they were going, but spending time with each other was all they cared about. Soon, however, they found their way to the Canterlot Tower where Filthy was staying for the week.
“So, is this it?” Filthy asked.
Sapphire looked to him, then up to the tower, piercing the sky with its height.
“I think I could go longer. What about you, honey?”
Filthy Rich opened the door, allowing Sapphire to enter first.
Once into his room, he immediately trotted his way to the kitchen.
“What would you like to drink, Sapphire? I have almost every kind of drink you can think of.”
“Mmmm, I'd love a Applejack Brandy. Do you have any?”
He chuckled. “Do I? I live in the town it's made in. Sweet Apple Acres. Nice family who lives there. It's named after the couple's foal.”
“Really? Odd thing to do.”
“If you knew those ponies like I do, it wouldn't be.”
Filthy poured both of them a glass of Brandy, and careful carried them on a small tray to the couch which Sapphire Shores had seated herself. She was in the middle of looking at a stack of VHS tapes, intrigued.
“Heh, yea. Those were some of my wife's favorite movies.”
“Tell me, Filthy,” She added a playful tone to his name, “What was her favorite?”
Rich set down the tray, allowing Sapphire to take her glass between her hooves. She downed the glass in one gulp.
“Wow, she can handle her drinks” He thought, nuzzling the pile of tapes until he found the right one.
“Mmm, Lion King, yes I remember that one well.”
“Oh, you've seen it then.” Filthy said with some sadness. He hoped to watch it.
“Seen it, honey, I co-stared in it!”
Rich nearly choked on his brandy. “Y-you what?”
“I played the voice of Nala.”
Now he was really surprised. And, more so, the feeling in his gut finally resided. The entire time, her voice was so familiar to him, but he couldn't place why. Now it all made sense. He and his wife had watched it at least once a month together.
“So, lets watch it then!” Sapphire clopped her hooves together with cheer.
“Well, I'd imagine you're sick of it by now.” Rich said. He didn't want her to feel obliged to watch it with him.
“Are you loco in the coco? I L-L-LOOOOVE that movie!”
“Again with the soul thing.” He thought. Though, if what she said was true, then she really did love the movie.
With a nod, he took the tape and put it into the VCR. While the previews played, he got them each another glass of brandy, but Sapphire told him to bring the whole glass with him on his way back.
“She must be able to really hold her alcohol.”
Soon, the two were sitting on the couch together, watching the movie's start. As it progressed, slowly the two pony’s drew closer and closer together. Filthy couldn't deny he still longed for his wife, but it had been so long since he had been with another pony, that maybe this one time, it would be good for him.
Eventually, it got to that one part. The part which he and the missus would always ignore the movie and pay closer attention to one another. However, this time she wasn't there. A bad feeling formed in his gut, and he was almost tempted to stop the tape and ask Sapphire to leave, but his mind froze from the song.
“Can you feel, the love tonight.”
It wasn't the singing from the television. Well, yes it was slightly, but more so, it was Sapphire Shores herself singing. Her voice, instead of it's usual high pitch and noisy attitude, held a soothing, heart felt sadness in it. Like she felt his pain, and understood him. More so, wanted to comfort him than hurt him.
It was his turn to sing. Watching the movie at least a hundred times, the song was stuck in his head. Or, more personally, in his heart.
Soon, Sapphire was leaning close to Filthy. Both their muzzles met, and he fell onto his back on the couch, her on top of him.
The movie continued without them.
----------
“Aaaand that's the story of how you were conceived. Nighty-night Diamond.”
With a quick kiss to the head, Mister Rich switched off the bedroom light and closed the door.
Diamond Tiara lay in bed with a light shiver. It was the middle of summer.
Starlight Glimmer, Big Mac, CMC Clubhouse
This wasn’t her first choice, but when it came to starting a cult and drawing in followers, she could think of worse places to be. Starlight Glimmer wasn’t sure if the over abundance of apple tree’s was a good or bad thing. Then again, trying to start a cult in the middle of a farm probably wasn’t a good idea to begin with, but like she thought before, she’d been through worse.
Now she just had to do all this without alerting the farm ponies who lived and worked here. The disheveled mess that could hardly be called a tree house would suffice. She’d already been there for a few days, maybe if she did a little work to it, it wouldn’t be so bad.
Knock knock.
“Oh crud,” she said, then immediately facehoofed.
“I know yer in there, now open up.” The voice was male, very strong sounding.
Starlight Glimmer gulped. She could try to make an escape through one of the windows, but the latches were rusted shut and the only broken one still had jagged pieces of glass sticking out.
She panic pranced in place, unsure where to go, what to do.
That’s when the door opened. She’d forgotten to lock the door.
In stepped in a massive red stallion, whose bulk was intimidating to enemies and eye candy to hungry mares. Sadly, Starlight found herself on the former list, and was sure this was the end.
“I brought you some breakfast.”
Starlight blinked, her right forehoof still mid-trot.
“What?” she asked.
“I brought you some breakfast.”
The stallion turned his head around, and from his back produced a tray with, shockingly, breakfast.
“I… what?”
Macintosh rolled his eyes. “Ya’ve been livin’ in this treehouse fer days, I figured ya needed some grub.”
“Wait, you’ve known I was here?”
“Eeyup.”
“But… why-”
“Ya weren’t hurtin’ nopony. Not even stealin’ our apples. When a pony’s down on ‘er luck, I figured why attack them any more?” He set the plate down onto the floor, then with his nose pushed it towards Starlight.
“Now, mah sister don’t know nothin’ about this, but she’ll find out eventually. Got somethin’ planned with our little sister ‘n her friends to fix this place up, so best if ya headed out by nightfall.”
Starlight Glimmer stared at the platter of food, still dumbstruck.
“I figured I couldn’t send you out with at least some food in yer belly. Hard to get motivated to move when ya got nothin’ ta power ya.”
“But… why? Why this?”
The stallion shrugged. “Why not?”
“For all you know, I could be some crazy pony out to steal cutie marks and take over the world!”
He shrugged again. “Ya seem nice enough.”
“BUT WE JUST MET!”
“That we did. Now ya gonna eat or what? I gotta take them dishes back before Granny knows they’re missin’.”
Starlight glared at the stallion, her gut telling her that she shouldn’t be trusting this pony one bit, that he’s up to something, that okay on second thought I haven’t eaten in days.
She dove into the plate, barely chewing the pancakes as she would down a quarter cup of her orange juice between gulps. The blueberries on the side were excellent. And the apple on the side?
The entire time, the stallion stood at the doorway and watched with a stoic expression. Not smiling, not frowning, just neutral. It put Starlight’s nerves on edge.
“Iph phere sphomphing wron?” she said between chewing.
“Eenope.”
They stayed silent again, although Starlight’s table manners were loud enough for the two of them.
Just as she was finishing off the last pancake, the stallion spoke up.
“So, what’re ya runnin’ from?”
Starlight stopped mid-chew, brows raised as she studied the stallion. No signs of intent, or maliciousness. Just… curious?
She swallowed, coughed, then taking the neglected napkin dabbed it onto her mouth before she spoke.
“I’m not running from anything, actually. I’m running towards my goal.”
The stallion raised a brow.
“I’m fed up with how our society, our leaders, run things and think they’re working with everypony’s goals in mind. None of which have been my goals, so I’m on my journey to start something new.”
“Something new?”
“I’m going to create my own society, of similar minded ponies like myself.”
“An’ just what’re your ideas?”
Could this stallion really be curious enough? Do I have my first follower? “Well, look around you. What do you see?”
He turned to the left, then to the right, then back to the mare. “Walls.”
Starlight resisted facehoofing. “No no, I mean outside, just what’s out there?”
“Apple trees.”
“And what’s on your flank?”
“My cutie mark?”
“Which is…?”
“An apple.”
Starlight Glimmer clopped her hooves. “That! That’s what I’m trying to do! Eliminate the stigma of our cutie marks controlling how we live, how we work, how we… well, everything!”
“But the cutie mark shows us what we’re best at, don’t it?”
“That may be true, but what if somepony wanted to do something else? But now they’re stuck doing what their boring old cutie mark tells them is what they are to do.”
He narrowed his eyes. “I don’t follow.”
Now Starlight facehoofed. "Take your cutie mark, for instance. It’s an apple, you live on an apple farm, you harvest apples. But what if there was more you wanted to do?”
“Then I’d do it?”
Starlight twitched. “Okay, maybe, but will you be any good at it? As good as you are handling apples?”
“Well-”
“Your cutie mark doesn’t change, and neither will your talent. You’re always and forever will be bound to apples for your entire life. Now take me, for example.” She turned so that the stallion could see her cutie mark. She could feel the shock from him, as much as he tried to keep his neutral expression, it wavered.
“I found a way to take all of that stigma away. No more being forced to obey your cutie mark, no more being stuck doing that same dull routine. Now, I can do whatever I want, and either excel or be terrible. That’s entirely up to me!”
He interrupted. “Ya can do all that even with a cutie mark, though. Jus’ cause I’m a good apple farmer don’t mean I can’t do other things. I can play the banjo, sing, even whittle here and there. Don’t mean that I have to only do apple related things.”
“Okay, then lets take it from another view point. Say a stranger walked up to you and saw you had that apple cutie mark, what would they think?”
“That I’m an apple farmer?”
“Yes. Now, if a stranger walked up to you with my cutie mark, what would they think?”
The stallion looked at the two bars again, then back at her eyes. “That yer nuts.”
Starlight actually let out a chuckle. “No, my dear, they wouldn’t know what to think. You know why? Because if everypony had the same mark, we wouldn’t have to form biases or judgement on a pony for what their talent is. Have you ever seen a pony walking around with a toilet plunger on their flank?”
“Uh… no?”
“That’s because they have to hide it in shame! They may be a master plumber, but that symbol could mean so much more. We judge and form ideas on what we see on each others flanks. I want to eliminate that, so everypony is treated equal, and not shunned for what they may or may not do best.”
“So that’s what yer wantin’ ta do then? Take away the symbol on our flanks that makes each of us unique?”
“Yes.”
The stallion just stood there, thinking, then for the first time his muzzle formed a grin.
“Okay, so let’s just say that I get my cutie mark into one of them there bars, then what?”
“Then you live your life unjudged and able to achieve any goals you want.”
“But if I have no set goal, how will I ever be good at any one thing.”
“Well, you won’t.”
“So then everypony will just be mediocre at everything, and no pony be good at one thing?”
Starlight blinked, her turn to raise a brow in curious thought.
“How I see it, yer tryin’ ta set up a new thingie that lets everypony be equal and not judged. I get that, and it sounds like a lot of ponies would flock to it. But then what? If no pony is good at one thing, how do ya’ll actually improve? If you’re all just okay at everythin’, there’s no room to develop them skills. Having one thing yer good at gives a pony somethin’ to be proud of. You can go ‘Yeah, I can do all this stuff, but I can do this better!’.
“We like havin’ somethin’ ta be proud of, myself included. If we were just all the same, what fun would we have knowing that everypony could do the same stuff at the same levels? I fer one wouldn’t mind havin’ a cutie mark of somethin’ else. Heck, I’d love to be a professional banjo player, but I ain’t. I’m an apple farmer, and proud of it.”
Starlight Glimmer sat in silence, mulling over what he had just said.
“So, I ask again, what’re ya runnin’ from?”
Images flashed through Starlight’s mind. Grade school, the teasing and prodding of being a blank flank. Then the onslaught of mockery when she finally did get it, only for it to mean nothing. She could do magic with a stick, what else? they would tease. Working countless jobs, the most taxing thing being, well, taxes. We don’t have a job for your talent, so we’ll just make you do paper work.
The years of pain, knowing ponies judging her for what her talent was suppose to be. What it should be. What she was because of it.
She hadn’t realized she was crying until the red stallion had one of his arms around her. She didn’t fight it, try to push away and run. She embraced it, openly weeping into his chest. He didn’t say anything, try to console her or tell her it would all be okay. She knew it wouldn’t, and suspected he knew the same thing. Just being there for her was enough.
“What’re ya runnin’ from?” That question bounced in her head the entire time. And the entire time the stallion kept a soothing foreleg around her. His heartbeats helped calm her, if only slightly. He was so warm, and not as tough muscle as she’d first suspected. She could have stayed like that for hours, but once she’d stopped crying so hard, he finally let go and drew back.
“I-I’m sorry, I don’t know what…” She trailed off.
“Sometimes, we just need a pony to be there. Nothin’ more. I’ll be by later to bring ya some lunch. Then I’ll see about helpin’ ya on yer way.”
“On my way?”
“Eeyup. Ya got yerself a goal in mind, and challenge in heart. I ain’t one ta stop a pony from doin’ what they feel is right.”
“Even if it’s bad?”
He was silent. “Depends. I believe ponies need to figure out for themselves whether or not what they’re doin’ is good or bad. If yer told so, then how do ya learn anythin’?”
She was silent this time.
“If ya’d like, you can join us fer dinner before ya shove off. I’m sure Granny would love havin’ a visitor.”
There was a glimmer in her eyes. “Thank you, but no, and in fact I think I will take a raincheck on the lunch.”
The stallion raised a brow. “Headin’ out so soon?”
She laughed. “I’ve been here for three days too long. I… needed to let off some steam, and now that I have, I’m ready to go.”
“If that’s what ya want, then okay.” He grabbed the empty plate and cup, balancing them onto his back.
“Thank you for this, and for not being upset about me trespassing.”
He chuckled. “It’s been a long while since somepony used this place. Glad to see it occupied for once.”
Starlight Glimmer walked past the stallion, hesitant at first. His dark green eyes were so welcoming and warm, she could just-
No. And with that, she trotted past the bulking stallion, down the ramp, and away from the rising sun. She had a goal, a task to perform. She couldn’t, wouldn’t, let anything get in her way. After all, this wasn’t just for her, but all of Equestria.
----------
Big Macintosh watched her trot away with pride in each of her steps. She had hesitated, only briefly, but that was enough for him.
He smiled.
Good luck, Miss.
There It Was
Author's Notes:
This was part of the PANIC! FICTION! speed fic writing challenge over at GaPJaxie's discord server. Prompt was A Fucking Cardboard Box, 34 minutes to write, and no time to edit. 500 word maximum count. It was knocked out the first round.
The server has all kinds of writing challenges that happen every week. Curious? Come on in and join us! Just have a reddit account ready, cause that's how we submit stories.
https://discord.gg/JHfTJx3 Touch the link. Do it now.
There it was. Just staring at me. Glaring. Watching. Waiting.
A fucking cardboard box.
It had been sitting there for a while now. In the middle of the street. I wasn’t sure when exactly it appeared, but I knew that it was waiting for someone.
And of course, I was the one to stumble upon it first.
Seriously, no one else had walked down this street in hours now. Where did everyone go? It’s not like this was a dead end street, in a dying city, in the middle of a mitten shaped state.
So why was it I that came here? Taking my usual path, that wasn’t at all assumed in the sense that I’d never been here before. Why was it me that had to walk past that box, possibly investigate it, and see the horror that lay inside?
I fucking hate boxes.
Slowly I began walking. Small steps to begin with. Like the song, Put One Foot in Front of the Other. It was from a Disney show I think.
Every step that box was closer. The lid was partly open, and I couldn’t see what was inside from a distance. But I know, damn it I knew, that something was in there. And I was the one chosen to see what lay inside, and have to grunt the burden for the rest of my life.
It was less than twenty feet from me now. If I wore size 12 shoes, then it would be exactly twenty steps, but I wore size 11 ½, so who fuckin’ knew how many that was. Probably, a lot more.
I could see the box more clearly now. It had a bunch of black writing on it, but the obvious thing was Solo Plastic Cups.
Could have this been from a college kegger party? Why wasn’t I invited? Of course I know why, because I’m a deadbeat loser who has no friends. Why would-
I stop before the box, looking down inside.
It’s empty.
Of course it was empty. What was I expecting? A baby like version of a fictional cartoon character? I mean, really, how laughable! I was worried for nothing.
“See!” I said out loud, pointing down at the empty box. “I was worried about nothing.”
I placed my hands on my hips, a triumphant smile upon my face.
There was a femenine, awkward like cough beside me. “Uh, yeah, that’s cool and all but… can we go home now?”
I look down and to my left, at the colorful blue pegasus with rainbow like mane and tail. I patted her head, and took the liquor store grocery bag from her muzzle.
“Yeah, of course Dashie, let’s go home.”
The Locker Room
Author's Notes:
From PANIC! FICTION! THE FORTH. Prompt was What's that smell? in honor of the return of my athletes foot. 24 minutes to write, with 6 minutes to edit/cry.
Naturally, I lost again.
Fire.
Sunset Shimmer was used to a lot of weird things since coming to Earth from Equestria. The very idea that using only two limbs to walk instead of four threw her off for a while, but after a few too many drunk homeless people began whistling at her strange behavior and a few stray dogs gave her some curious sniffs, she realized that no, she was in the wrong.
So then she stood up, and all was right in the world.
Well, maybe not her world, but the world in which she now resided. And just as she was getting the entirety of Canterlot High under her control, who came to spoil shit?
Princess Twilight Sparkle and her damn dog, too.
Granted, it was kind of her fault cause she took her big crown thingie, but really, how was she to know that the pony princess would follow her through and try to take it back?
So bla bla bla, friendship lessons, magical rainbow powers, and bam, Sunny Buns here was now a good guy.
Well, sorta.
She was good in the sense that she was no longer beating up Snips and Snails for lunch money because she couldn’t afford food, yet rode around on her bike and paid the insane insurance for a teen riding a bike.
No, instead, she participated in sports.
Rainbow Dash called it awesome. Applejack said it was good for her. Even Fluttershy said that, um, you know, it would probably help with that bit of a muffin top you had going on… please don’t hurt me.
So this is where we found Sunset Shimmer, in the girls locker room, after a long day of running around in circles, yet they were oval shaped.
“Good job today, Sunset! You did awesome!”
Sunset Shimmer gave a thumbs up to her rainbow haired friend, and then promptly collapsed onto one of the benches, face up, glaring at the slightly blinding fluorescent lights above her.
“Sunset, darling, are you alright?” Rarity was next to speak, asking with a hint of worry as she removed her stinky, sweaty work out clothes.
“Yeah, Rares, I’m fine. It’s just… I’m still getting used to focusing on two legs instead of four, and after a while, I try to go back to the old ways and I end up hurting myself.”
“Oh, right, the pony thing.” Rainbow shrugged, tossing her exercise bra into her dirty clothes filled locker. “You’re doing fine out there, girl. Relax.”
“I agree with Rainbow, darling. You’re doing fantastic! And you’re losing that muffin top!”
Sunset rolled her eyes. “Gee, thanks Rares.”
“Yeah Rarity, gosh, don’t bring that up. You know she’s trying for a bod like this!” Rainbow proceeded to run her hands along side her body, motioning to her bare chest and six pack clearly on display.
“Yes, although flat chests are so last year.”
Rainbow blinked. “Wait, they’re what?”
Ignoring Rainbow, Rarity walked over to sit beside Sunset on her bench, still laying on her back, clothes soaked with sweat.
“Darling, don’t fret so much. You’re getting there. I’m sure it is a lot harder on two legs instead of four, but just think of all the extra work you’re putting into it! Why, I bet if you went back to Equestria, you’d be the most beautifully fit pony in all of the land!”
Sunset blew a raspberry. “Yeah, except most stallions want a thicker mare so she can handle their weight when mounting.”
Rainbow threw on a simple T shirt, ignoring any semblance of needing a bra. “Mounting what?”
“Oh rest assured, darling, so long as you’re here, you have no worries for anything like that.” Rarity patted Sunset on her shoulder, then stood to finish removing her sweaty clothes.
“Yeah, I know all that, it’s just… frustrating, you know? Back in Equestria, I was so used to using my nose to smell all kinds of things, to identify who it was, what it was, and even find a good lay. Now, most everything is broken into three categories: Good, bad, and really bad.”
Rarity, with grace fit for a lady, put on her bra. “Well of course, that’s how it is here. We only strive for the best of smells, and most of those are pleasant and artificially made. Save for a few flowers, but even then we had to breed them into submission of the perfect smell.”
“No, seriously, can we go back to what she meant by mounting?” Rainbow asked, slipping on her shorts.
“No, I’m afraid not. You see, we’re trying to help Sunset with what is bothering her.”
“Yeah, and what exactly is bothering her?”
“These smells!” Sunset shot her hands up in the air towards the ceiling lights, then let them fall gracelessly to her stomache. “I just don’t understand any of them. I thought I had some figured out, but every time I come here-”
There was a sound of a locker slamming closed, bare foot steps walking along the tile floor. Both Rarity and Rainbow looked curiously off to the left, while Sunset ignored it, sitting up finally, and motioning to remove her top.
“It’s just, I’ve been coming here for as long as I could remember since leaving Equestria, and the smells always threw me off. I don’t get it.”
Then Sunset removed her sticky, sweaty shorts, showing nothing but bare skin.
It was at that time the mystery foot steps walked into view, causing Rarity to gasp and Rainbow to sigh with dejection.
“Good grief, what is that smell!?”
All three girls looked to Thunderlane, standing in the room naked, confused, and slightly agitated.
“Oh dear, we’re in the men’s locker room again, aren’t we?” Rarity asked.
“Oh, right…” Rainbow said.
Sunset sighed, hiking her pants back up and grabbing her gym bag to find the ladies locker room. “Oh, that’s probably what it was. Damn do I need to get laid.”
Hot Plot Fever
Author's Notes:
Written for the PANIC! FICTION! Remember, remember. Prompt had to involve treason, gunpowder, and plot in the story sense, but of course I had to use it wrong. Once again, did not place.
“Treason is such a harsh word, Twilight.”
Princess Twilight Sparkle looked to her long time mentor, turned equal, and now that her height was eye level with the white alicorn, she felt they were truly equal.
“But is it? I remember many times when you remarked that such actions would be worthy of treason.”
Former Princess Celestia, now just simply Celestia, or Tia if you read her Starbuckers name tag, rolled her eyes. “Twilight, I was always joking. I wouldn’t actually sentence a pony for not worshiping my plot.”
Princess Twilight sipped at her coffee, black, because she hadn’t expected to really drink anything, but at Celestia’s insistance she ordered a drink.
Her manager didn’t like it when she sat around on the job, and apparently she could count talking with the Princess of Equestria as work so long as she served her a drink.
Strange times these were.
“Still, I find it flattering that ponies still consider my plot note worthy after all these decades. I’ve been off the market for years now, after all.”
“Yeah, how is Flash Sentry holding up?”
Celestia shrugged, sipping at her own drink. “Passable. You really weren’t missing out on much.”
“Yeah, the human version wasn’t all that impressive either.”
Both mares let out a chortle of chuckles, lasting long enough for a couple ponies to notice before returning to their digital newspapers.
An awkward silence took over after the laughter died, and before Pinkie’s ghost could change that, Twilight cleared her throat. “So, you don’t think I should worry about it?”
Celestia nodded. “If anything, I used to always find it flattering my guards noticed my flanks. Take it with stride. Don’t flaunt it, but let them know it’s appreciated they look at you more than a princess, or their mother figure.”
Twilight blinked. “Wow, that… just made things seem weirder, in retrospect. I never thought of anypony looking at me like that.”
“Oh they will. Just remember you’re their ruler, and you’ll help with what you can, but you can’t give them everything.”
“Right, right. I learned that a long time ago. You remember, when everypony thought I was taking in a suitor.”
“Oh yes, I remember that. What ever did become of all that?”
“Four stallions found themselves in the crystal caverns with some really itchy privates.”
“Oh, Twilight, didn’t I ever tell you about-”
“YES! I know, I knew! But during that crazy growth spurt, I had so much going on, hormones wild…”
“Ah, yes, I remember that time well of my youth.” Celestia nodded, a dreamy smile on her face.
“Back to it, Celestia… what should I do then? If I don’t trie them for treason or put them in jail?”
Celestia reached over, patting Twilights shoulder with kindness. Fluttershy’s ghost smiled at them.
“Don’t fret. Let it slide this time, but give them a good warning.”
“What if they do it again? What if they call my flanks smoking hot?”
Celestia smiled. “Why, then give them a dose of their own medicine. When my guards would get smart with me, and take the complimenting to uncomfortable levels, I used to line their armor with gunpowder and then light a match. That knocked their hot plot fever fairly quickly. They got some real good hot plots of their own after that.”
Morning Wood
Author's Notes:
Done for PANIC! FICTION! Seventh Heaven. Prompt was "The Morning After", with only 18 minutes to write, 6 minutes to edit/cry, and max word count of 707.
If you're also interested in checking out what we do for speed writing challenges, because there are more than just the PANIC! FICTION!'s, be sure to come visit Jaxie's server!
It had been a rough night at Sweet Apple Acres, and Applejack was still dead on her hooves as she marched down the flight of stairs from her bedroom and into the kitchen.
Big Macintosh was sitting at the table, calmly sipping at a cup of coffee.
“Mornin’” her brother said.
Applejack’s response was to grunt, taking a seat across from him.
“Didn’t sleep well?”
Applejack nodded, taking her brother’s cup of coffee for herself.
Another cup floated over to the red stallion in a wave of deep purple magic. He happily took it in both hooves, and enjoyed a long sip.
Applejack continued to groan.
Then Sugar Belle walked over, cooking apron on, and dropped a plate of hot, steaming pancakes between the two.
“Thanks, darlin’.”
The happily married couple touched noses, giggling as they rubbed together.
Applejack about puked into her empty mug, but was thankfully stopped when the kettle was brought over in the same magical field from earlier, pouring her another cup.
“And how is my sister in law this fine morning?” Belle asked, a small giggle following her words.
“Dandy.” Applejack took a gulp, ignoring the intense burn in her mouth.
“Oh my, you seem upset. Did… were we too loud last night?”
Both Applejack and Big Macintosh nearly spit out their drinks, one from embarrassment, the other dumbfounded shock and loss of the ability to breathe without liquid in their lungs.
Sugar Belle watched the two with a raised brow, but suddenly blushed with widening eyes. “Oh! N-no no! Not like that! I promise!”
Applejack let out a sigh.
“We’d never do such a thing with Applebloom in the house.”
“Or Granny.” Big Mac said with a shudder. “She likes ta… cheer us on from the other side of the door.”
Applejack stood from the table, sending the chair backwards with a loud screech of wood on wood. “That’s it.”
Both of the married ponies watched as she marched away, and out the back, slamming the screen door with a swift buck.
Once her hoof steps were out of ear shot, both ponies let out a breath. “That was a close one,” said Sugar Belle.
“Eeyup. Almost got caught.”
From under the table, Rainbow Dash crawled out, smacking her lips, savoring a flavor alien to her taste buds. “I dunno, guys. Do you really think AJ would like that sorta thing? I know Twi gave me that potion, but still seems kinda… well, un-gay…”
Sugar Belle and Big Macintosh nodded their heads.
“Yeah, there’s nothin’ like a little mornin’ wood ta start a day out right, and AJ there needs it.”
“And my jaw is still sore from yesterday morning’s wood, so I’m really glad you were able to take care of that for me, Dash.
“Eeyup!”
“Alright, well, thanks you two. I’ll try it on her tonight, then see what happens tomorrow.”
With a quick salute, the cyan pegasus took off out the same door Applejack had left, allowing it to close naturally.
“Oh thank Celestia they’re gone,” Sugar Belle said, then suddenly got caught in a puff of smoke before changing into Starlight Glimmer.
Big Mac did the same, transforming into Trixie.
“I was for sure we were about to be caught.”
Trixie looked down between her legs. “Yes, that was… strange, but at least we can safely say we’ve had sex in every single kitchen of Twilight Sparkle’s friends.”
“Yeah, tell me again, why does that mean anything?”
Trixie shrugged.
Fred the Fsh
Author's Notes:
For PANIC! number 58 hosted by me. 22 minutes to write, 8 minutes to edit/cry, and the prompt was Horror Breakfast Foods. Naturally, I lost.
Mister and Missus Cake looked at their breakfast stable with a hint of worry.
The twins were still in bed, so thankfully they’d be spared this gruesome feast put out before the married couple. No sense in spoiling young minds with such horrors.
“Weeeeell?” Pinkie Pie, resident baker’s assistant slash house guest that after ten years still hasn’t left yet, asked.
“We, uh, appreciate you making us breakfast, Pinkie,” Mister Cake said, a hint of hesitation at his words.
“Yes, dearie, it’s a wonderful treat as always. Just… what are we looking at?”
“For that matter,” Carrot gulped, “what are we about to eat?”
Pinkie rolled her eyes at her employer’s confusion.
“It’s fsh!”
Both of the Cakes looked from each other, and back to Pinkie.
“Fsh?”
Pinkie nodded.
“It was fish, but I removed the eyes!”
They looked to the dead trout, which was, in fact, missing it’s eyes.
“Well…” Mister Cake began, paused, and licked his lips.
“Dearie, we’re not strangers to fish, but, why for breakfast?” Missus Cake asked, picking up the slack for her frail husband.
“Because Fred’s been shoved in the freezer for years, and I needed to make room for Francis.”
Blinking, Mister and Missus Cake looked from the dead fish to the freezer in the kitchen.
“So, this was Fred?” Carrot asked.
Pinkie shrugged. “I dunno what their actual names are, but I just like to pretend I do! Makes their death, cooking, and consumption that much more special!”
Cup Cake poked the dead, thawed fish. “Pinkie, you didn’t even gut it.”
“Well duh! I figured mutilation was a family thing!” Pinkie pulled out three large knives from… somewhere. “So, who wants to cut off the head?” She then pulled out a mini guillotine which was stained by its past victims.
“Do you even know how to dress a fish?” Carrot asked.
Pinkie blinked. “Wait, we can also dress fsh? I didn’t know that!”
She proceeded to pull out a miniature wicker hat and placed it on Fred’s dead head.
The Cakes watched as she struggled to then also add a small tuxedo, but decided it wasn’t worth the effort.
“Welp, Pinkie officially murdered breakfast,” Carrot said with a sigh.
“Mhm. Seems that way. Pancakes?” Cup asked.
“Yeah, sure, I’ll get the ketchup,” Carrot walked to the fridge as his wife began mixing the batter.
Cock and Tail Torture
Author's Notes:
Written for PANIC! AT THE CRISCO! or PANIC! number 73. Prompt was "cocktails". 17 minutes to write, 6 minutes to edit/cry, and max word count of 956. I actually managed to make it to the second round, with a total of 15 participants. The largest PANIC! yet!
Be sure to ask about the Quills and Sofa's Speedwriting Server. There's also a group here on fimmy fic for it.
“No.” The word Applejack said was stern and said with a hardness that would put any stud to shame.
“Oh come on, AJ. It’ll be fun!” Rainbow said, giving her friend a genuine smile large enough to fill her own ego with.
“And I said no. There’s no way I’m doin’ that to one of my roosters, let alone myself.”
Rainbow blew a raspberry. “Come on, it’s not that bad or anything. I’ve done it a few times with the ‘Bolts. You get used to it.”
“And again I said no. Why are we even having this discussion? I asked you to help clean the dishes since you had dinner here again. Fer Celestia’s sake, Applebloom is just in the other room! Have you no shame?”
“No, not really. Also wouldn’t it be now In Twilight’s Name? Or For Sparkle’s Sake? Oh, that one kinds rolls off the tongue better.”
“I ain’t about to use one of my best friend’s name as an expression.”
“Oh? And why’s that? Afraid of calling it out when you’re…” Rainbow leaned forward, whispering into Applejack’s ear, “... hot and bothered?”
A chill ran down Applejack’s spine. The kind of tingle that would either lead to a buck in the face, or a buck in… other places best left between consenting adults.
“I’m sorry, RD, but this just sounds wrong. I can’t go abusing a part of myself like that.”
“Geeze, it’s just your tail, not like I’m gonna cut it off.”
“And what about my cock?”
Rainbow raised a brow.
“Are you gonna… abuse that, too?”
“Well, duh, that’s part of the deal. We just gotta coax him out of his little house, get him excited, and BAM!” Rainbow reinforced the exclamation with a smack of her hoof on the table.
Applejack gulped, looked over her shoulder into the living room where the rest of her family was enjoying a radio program, and then back to Rainbow.
“Well… I’ve never done anything quite like this, but if you’re sure.”
“Awesome! This’ll be fun, trust me.” Rainbow began marching outside, while Applejack held back.
“Where are you going?”
Rainbow paused at the open door. “Out to the hen house? If we’re gonna do this, I figured we need a cock.
Applejack blinked. “Oh, you meant an actual cock, a rooster.”
“Well yeah, duh, what did you think I-” Rainbow paused, eyes going wide. “Wait…”
“Yeah,” Applejack rubbed the back of her head. Spreading her forelegs, she, along with Rainbow, looked between them at the hunk of meat hanging low, “I thought you meant my dick.”
Clogged
Author's Notes:
This story was written for PANIC! AT THE BISTRO! number... shit I actually don't even know anymore. Write time was 23 minutes, with 5 minutes to edit/cry. Minimum word count was 250. Prompt was "Fourth Best".
So this was... I have no idea why, a sort of sequel/side story to Spike is a Toilet which I highly recommend you NOT TO READ. Just... accept the fact that sometimes I write stuff because I think it's funny, other times I find it curious.
And then there are those moments where I'm on the shitter, laptop on a wobbly TV tray and crying to myself while I nurse a bottle of whiskey. This is one of those moments.
When Starlight was called for a “friendship emergency”, she was at first curious as to why her cutie mark hadn’t started glowing or vibrating. Either one of those would have surely woken Trixie beside her, although not even the knocking of the carriage door had woken the magician.
And then she was surprised to see Twilight standing there, nervous with a pleading look upon her face. She only said two words before dragging Starlight, and by connection due to intense cuddles, Trixie, with her into the Friendship Castle.
“So, you need me why?” Starlight asked.
“Because the ponies the map actually summoned are busy.”
“Too busy for a friendship emergency? The thing that should literally be making their butts vibrate and heat up?”
Twilight was silent for a moment.
“Eeeeyyyyup.”
“Yeah, I don’t buy that.”
Trixie chose that moment to awaken with a large yawn. “Starlight? Where are we?”
“In the castle. There’s apparently an emergency Twilight needed me with for… some reason.”
“Oh.”
“Well, I didn’t really need you, but you were the most convenient.”
Starlight raised a brow.
“Alright! You were my fourth pick!”
“Yeah, not even surprised by that.” Starlight let out a sigh. “Alright, so what is it?”
“Okay, so I need you to save Spike.”
Starlight’s ears shot up. “Save Spike? From what?”
“Well, remember when he got turned into a toilet a while back? And then he was the only toilet around?”
“Yeah, pretty sure everypony does. Wait… what are you saying?”
“He’s clogged.”
Silence.
“Oh ew, that’s gross,” Trixie said, then promptly walked away.
“Wait, Trixie, come back! I might need your help!”
“Yeah, no, sorry Starlight, you’re on your own with this one.”
They watched as Trixie’s tail disappeared around the corner. Starlight turned back to her ex-mentor.
“Okay, so why do I need to do this? Why can’t you?”
“I tried.”
“Okay, how about-”
“I’ve tried several, but nopony’s magic has been strong enough.”
“Strong… oh no. When you say he’s clogged…”
----------
“You know, I’m honestly not sure what I expected.”
Starlight and Twilight stood before Rarity, who had both of her rear hooves shoved into Spike the Toilet’s bowl, his tongue waving around uselessly.
“Hello, darling. This is not what it-”
“Yes it is, and you should feel reeeeeal bad about it,” Starlight said as she stepped into the bathroom.
“Well excuse me if I’m only trying to help my poor Spikey-Wikey.”
“By shoving your hooves down his throat? Or well, bowl. Whatever!?” Starlight screamed.
“It seemed like the best time, honestly,” Twilight added.
“I just didn’t think I’d clog him so badly,” Rarity said.
Spike splashed his tongue around.
“Alright, so what do I need to do? Just pull?” Starlight asked.
“Yes, but carefully. Twilight tried and nearly uprooted Spike from the floor.”
“Wait, I thought you needed somepony stronger?” Starlight turned to Twilight.
“Well, my raw power is stronger, but you’re more…”
“Finesse,” Rarity insisted.
“Yes! Thank you.”
“Uh, no not really. But sure, I’m here, so what the hell.”
Starlight, using her magic, pulled gingerly on Rarity’s forelegs, and with some extra wiggle from Spike’s tongue, was able to free her.
“Okay, so that wasn’t so bad. I’m now going to forever regret my life decisions.”
“Wait, Starlight, he’s still clogged!”
“What?”
“Yes,” Twilight started, “that’s why Rarity was here in the first place. She tried, and got stuck. So you need to try and get out the clog.”
“Urg, fine!”
Starlight’s magic flared, and as she dug into Spike’s bowl and started plumbing, she noticed something hard blocking the passage.
“This is so groooooss,” Starlight wined.
“There there, darling, if I could shove my hooves in there, you can do this with your magic.”
“I can feel it in my horn. It’s horrible.”
Twilight rested a comforting wing across the mare’s back. After a few more minutes, Starlight finally had the clog coming free, and began to draw it back out.
“What… is this?” Starlight said through gritted teeth.
“We’re not sure,” Twilight admitted. “I just know when I went to use the potty, Spike was spilling up everywhere.”
“That’s gross. At least you mopped it up.”
Rarity and Twilight looked to each other, then down to the tacky floor.
“OH COME ON YOU TWO!”
“It was in the heat of the moment! Sorry!” Rarity stormed out to find cleaning supplies.
“Urg, fine, whatever, I think I just about got it.”
Spike continued to gurgle, waving his tongue about.
“By Celestia’s left teat Spike, you’re gross.”
Rarity returned, and at last Starlight, with one final huff, pulled out the clog.
“What…” Starlight stared at the wooden shoe.
“Oh look at that, it’s a single Clog!”
“And it’s one of mine!” Rarity added.
Starlight proceeded to beat the shit out of both mares with the still wet, dripping, and fecal covered shoe.
Teettoo
Author's Notes:
Written for another PANIC! because I'm falling apart at the seams. Contest was on 8/31/2020, prompt was Teeth. Time to write was 15 minutes, 3 minutes to edit/cry, and maximum word count was 303. I actually got second place!
Rainbow Dash sat in Dr. Colgate’s examination chair, hoof covering her muzzle.
“Now Rainbow, I need to see it in order to decide if we need to operate, or if I can repair it.”
Rainbow shook her head, hoof firmly pressed against her face.
Colgate sighed. “Look, we all know the kind of trouble you and Applejack get into. Getting a tooth bucked out of your mouth only now is, honestly, surprising. Unless you have had work done outside of Ponyville, and I’d be… sore about that.”
Again, Rainbow shook her head.
“Well then what’s the problem? Why won’t you show me. Doesn’t it hurt?”
Rainbow began to shake her head, then along with her ears falling, she nodded.
“So don’t you want to make the pain go away?”
Another, slower nod.
“Well I can do that. I just need to see the damage.”
Rainbow looked over to the five occupied seats of her friends. Fluttershy and Pinkie looked at Rainbow with downcast expressions, feeling for Rainbow. Twilight and Rarity were glaring at Applejack with scowls.
And Applejack was grinning ear to ear.
“Yeah, Dash, might as well get it over with. Somepony’s gonna see it before too long.”
Ears back, Rainbow looked to Colgate one last time, the dentist giving her a reassuring smile through her mask.
Finally, Rainbow let out a breath, removed her hoof from her muzzle, and slowly opened her mouth.
“See, Rainbow, that wasn’t so...”
Colgate froze, looking at the pegasus’ teeth. “What in Celestia’s left teat is that?”
Fluttershy and Pinkie gasped. Twilight and Rarity looked from Applejack to Rainbow, both curious and worried.
Applejack chuckled. “She lost a bet while we were in Las Pegasus.”
All the mares looked at Rainbow’s front tooth, which had a small pink heart with “I 
AJ” in black lettering.