"Get back here you son of a bitch!"

"Fuck you Delirious!"

Delirious growled in rage as he watched his friend sprinting in front of him, increasing his speed and lowering his head to improve his aerodynamics. His hooves pattered the dirt as rain against a rooftop, gaining on Vanoss as the two raced through the town, ignoring the shouts and looks of the local townsponies as they watched them go. The red Earth pony veered a left, into the open door of a house, Delirious turning the same way and giving pursuit. A grey Pegasus mare and her purple filly cried in surprise as the two intruders jumped, kicked, and slid their way through their house as the crow flies, both eventually crashing their way through a window and back out into the sunlight.

"Get the hell back here, dammit!" Delirious screamed, panting heavily in the hot sun's rays.

Vanoss spoke no response, instead turning his head slightly to smile and wink at his friend, before he jumped over a cart of apples, landing on the other side and taking another left. Delirious gave a pained breath, going around and issuing a quick sorry to the red stallion manning the cart, who raised a brow his way as he continued to chase his friend. Turning Vanoss' way, Delirious found himself galloping into an alley. Once he noticed this, he threw his hooves into the dirt, creating a trail in the ground as he halted in the middle of the alley. Growling, he stretched his body into a hunting stance, turning his masked face this way and that to watch for any signs of movement.

Bearing his teeth, he growled at the nothing that met both his ears and his eyes.

"Alright you son of a bitch..." he began, searching the empty area around him, "where the hell are you...?"

His blue eyes landed on a small trash can. His brow furrowed in suspicion, Delirious frowned at it under his mask and hummed.

The trash can gave no response, and Delirious retracted his head and gave an incredulous look, eyeing it with suspicion. Slowly trotting over to it, he lowered his body and planned each and every step. Knowing Vanoss, he was most likely waiting for the right moment to strike, or, even worse, become a satellite dish to fuck with him out of sight. This realization suddenly caused Delirious to throw his gaze behind him and sweep the alleyway, but nothing met his blue eyes as he gave an annoyed sigh and looked to the sky. Turning his attention back onto the trash can, he found that it was missing. Suddenly getting up, he stumbled to his left and sidestepped the trash can as it swept by him, attempting to escape the alley in a hurry.

"What the fuck?!"

The trash can jumped out of his reach as he grabbed for it, then bounded back and tackled him to the ground. As it bounced atop him, Delirious rolled over and dodged it, scrambling to his hooves and giving the can a mighty kick, knocking it to the ground in turn. As the Pegasus sprinted to it, growling, it began to roll over in the same vein as Delirious, but, being a trash can, was able to do it much faster, and eventually rolled itself out of the alleyway and turned right, leaving Delirious' sight. Giving a loud, "Goddammit!" in anger, he took a single step before he looked at his body and hummed.

"Why the fuck am I not using these?"

Flaring his wings, he looked to the sky and flapped furiously. Taking off, he barely made it seven feet before he suddenly dipped, crashing into the side of a house and falling like a ragdoll back to Earth. Groaning in pain, he lamented, "Oh, that's why. Son of a bitch, man!" Throwing a hoof into the grass, he frowned and turned his attention to the sound of metal against metal. Behind him, a trash can stood ominously against the sun, then hopped and booped the side of the house next to it, before a familiar red Earth pony took its place, waving at Delirious with a smile.

"I don't know how the hell I just did that!" Vanoss called matter-of-factly, before he turned tail and sprinted back into the sunlight. Delirious scrambled to his hooves and gave pursuit, bursting out into the sun and raising a hoof to his eyes in pain, seething all the while. As the pain subsided, he lowered the appendage and turned to his right, watching as the familiar black and white tail vanished as it took a right.

"God dammit." Delirious muttered as he breathed out heavily in preparation for his sprint. He really wasn't in shape for this, especially not with that damned sun out. Looking at the celestial object with annoyance, he shook his hoof to curse it, "stop being so fucking hot, you hot bitch!"

Blinking in silence and allowing his words to settle in his head, Delirious threw his hoof into his forehead and groaned, turning his attention back to what was currently at hand. Flicking his tail, he ran the direction that Vanoss had disappeared to and looked to his right, peering down yet another alleyway, shrouded by the shade of the houses located on either side of it. Frowning at the idea of going down another alley, he sat on his haunches and waited. Knowing Vanoss, he was probably gonna taunt him at some point sooner or later-

"Hey Delirious!"

Without even looking up, Delirious gave a monotonous, "Whaaaat?"

"Catch."

Eyes widening, Delirious heard the sound of an object landing next to him and suddenly looked to his left. A frag grenade met his eyes. Stuttering, he reached for it and bounced it in his hooves like a hot potato, before he caught it in a single hoof, turned on his heel, and threw it back at Vanoss, who opened his mouth, barely able to yell an, "Oh shit!" of fright before the grenade exploded, sending him flying into the sky and onto the grass in a cold heap.

"Hahahahaha ha! Gotcha Vanoss!" Delirious called, rushing over to his fallen friend. Standing over his body, the Pegasus delivered a quick kick into his friend's gut, the Earth pony grasping for his chest as he cried out in pain. Chuckling to himself, Delirious reached to his crotch, the hoof coming back out with a large baseball bat in its clutches. Patting the weapon against his free hoof, he retracted onto his hindlegs and raised both hooves over his head, waiting to strike. As it came back down, he intended to hit Vanoss' body, but instead made a dent on a convenient trash can. Baseball bat sitting idly on top of the can's lid and still grasped in Delirious' hooves, the Pegasus remained like this for a brief second before he gave a low, "Dammit."

The trash can launched itself into him, knocking him to the floor and steam-rolling him as it rolled away from him. Scampering to get up, he bore his teeth and growled like an animal, yelling out, "How the fuck are you doing that you fuckin' bitch?!"

"I told you- ow, I don't know Delirious! Come on, keep up you fatty!"

"You're a dick, Vanoss!"

In the distance, the trash can suddenly stopped as it replied, "Hey man, if I were, you'd be sucking away at me like a fat tit-"

"Fuck you! Get the fuck back here!"

The trash can issued a quick yelp, before it began rolling away yet again, taking a right for the umpteenth time that day. Delirious smiled, turning left a little bit, before pulling a Tokyo Drift and drifting into the alleyway, kicking up dirt and grass as he did so. Sprinting into the alley, he heard footsteps behind him and saw Vanoss quickly trotting away from his hiding spot directly next to the entrance. Rearing around, Delirious cursed and gave pursuit, running back out into the open, where both the bright sun and the head of a golf club met him, knocking him to the ground as if he had run into a golden bar, accompanied with a loud bonk.

Reaching for his head, Delirious muttered, "You bitch..."

Stepping over him, Vanoss replied excitedly, "Holy shit Delirious, I Tom and Jerry'd your ass!"

As Delirious turned over like a grumpy sleeper, he could only stutter, "F-fuck you man... my head hurts now..."

Giving an annoyed sigh, Vanoss looked up and found a tree branch hanging next to him. Reaching out for it, he bit down on a twig and pulled, succeeding in pulling it off as he stared down at his friend. Coiling his hoof around the stick, he poked at Delirious' body twice, the Pegasus groaning in frustration.

"Stop fuckin' poking me you bitch-"

"Man, this stick is really cool Delirious." Poke. "You should check it out."

"No."

Vanoss stabbed harder. Delirious turned his head over, looking at him incredulously, "Are you seriously poking me with a fuckin' stick right now?"

"Yeah, it's fun. Haven't you ever had fun, Delirious?"

"Yeah, plenty of times. Like, I dunno- RIGHT NOW!" he replied, suddenly rolling over, knife in hoof. Barely evading, Vanoss jumped back with a yelp and flung his branch, missing by a mere foot. Delirious laughed as he looked down at the branch, before he looked back up and found Vanoss already sprinting away from him. Chuckling, he murmured, "Goddammit," and held the knife in his mouth, following the Earth pony as he sprinted down the alley, who turned right once he reached the end. Delirious, thinking quickly, took a dare and flared his wings, flying into the sky and landing on the roof of a house, sprinting across the top and jumping to the next roof, keeping his eyes on Vanoss all the while.

When he looked behind him, not finding the Pegasus, he turned right toward Delirious, who quickly jumped from the roof, landing on his friend and tackling him to the ground, his knife clattering against the nearby wall to their right. As the two ponies tussled, Vanoss was the first to reach for the knife, coiling his hoof around it and stabbing at his friend, who got up and staggered backward in pain, holding his side with a blue hoof, whimpering all the while.

Getting up as well, Vanoss was crouched low to the ground, breathing heavily with the knife clenched in his teeth. The two stood like this for what seemed like hours, panting from exhaustion, unmoving, and staring at each other in silence. Suddenly, the two broke their statue-like positions as they both broke down laughing, Delirious still clenching his open wound and Vanoss spitting the knife onto the ground. His sides hurting, Vanoss shut his eyes and grasped at his stomach, listening as he and his friend fell into hysterics, Delirious' laughter slowly gaining height until they sounded almost forced.

An explosion suddenly rocked the Earth pony's world, a cold chill going down his foreleg instantly. Halting his laughter, Vanoss looked down at the appendage with curiosity, finding a gaping hole in his leg. Looking back up at Delirious, yet another explosion sounded out, Vanoss falling to the ground in a heap. The blue Pegasus walked over to him, still laughing loudly, as he raised his foreleg and began firing his pistol into Vanoss' body, eventually rendering him dead as his body bled out from shock. Still chuckling lightly as the body faded away, Delirious reached for the small stack of money left on the floor, placing the wad into his crotch and grinning as it disappeared.

"What the fuck?"

"What?" Delirious asked, spinning around and facing Vanoss.

"You have your pistol?"

Looking down at the firearm, Delirious smirked and replied, "Fuck yeah I do! What, you don't have your weapons?"

"No, just my melee weapons- actually, lemme see..." Vanoss trailed off, his hooves scrambling across his body with vigor. Delirious watched in silence, peering down at his pistol with curiosity. Reaching his other hoof over to the mag release button, he listened as the spent magazine hit the ground and reached toward his side, another magazine suddenly materializing in his hoof. Giving an impressed look, he placed the fresh clip into the receiver, tapping it lightly to lock it in place. Glancing back at his friend, Delirious fell to his haunches and observed his friend, still busy at his body.

"Holy shit I do have all my weapons!" Vanoss claimed as he pulled out a large rifle, holding it in both his hooves and taking aim at Delirious. "Look, Delirious!"

"No don't you fuckin'-"

The gun fired, filling Delirious with bullets as he fell to the floor in a heap, yelling all the while, "You're a biiiiitch!"

Laughing as Delirious' body began to fade away, Vanoss calmly holstered the rifle on his back and trotted toward the pool of blood his friend had previously occupied, grasping the wad of cash and placing it into his stomach as he said, "Don't take my money, Delirious. I'll wreck your shit."

"Fuck you," he heard behind him. Turning toward Delirious with a smile, he swiveled his head and bit down on the carbine's scope, placing it into his hoof and reaching toward his crotch, the rifle disappearing. Delirious mimicked his movements, his pistol disappearing as well before he stepped toward Vanoss and walked to the wall of the house with his back to it, sliding down its white surface with a long sigh. Vanoss looked at him with a bored expression, before falling to his haunches alongside his friend.

The two sat down for what seemed like hours in silence, Delirious holding his forehooves against his cheeks and looking to the grass. Vanoss stretched his hindlegs out in front of him, leaning against the wall, and turned his head, looking at the masked Pegasus with a question upon his lips, "Well. What the hell are we supposed to do now?"

Delirious' reply came a while after, along with a sigh and a swipe of his black mane, "Fuck, I dunno. We've killed each other like twelve times now."

"I think you're exaggerating. I killed you like twelve times," Vanoss replied with a hoof to his chest.

"Oh fuck you. You're bored and I'm bored, you think of something."

Raising the hoof to his chin, Vanoss hummed and turned to his friend, "Ah, I got it-"

"I swear to God, man, if it involves killing me I'm gonna strangle you-"

"No no no," the Earth pony replied with a chuckle, waving his hooves frantically.

His head perking up at the mention of his survival for the next couple of minutes, Delirious questioned, "Well, now I seriously can't wait to hear this shit."

"Well, are you hungry?"

Delirious looked at him, blinking silently, expecting his imminent death.

"I was being serious when I told you I wanted a cheeseburger."

"Oh. Oh! Fuck yeah, man! Let's get something to eat!"

As Vanoss got to his hooves, he swept his left foreleg and commented, "Well, don't wanna disappoint you, but seeing as these guys are ponies, I don't think we'll be seeing a cheeseburger anytime soon, unless they're into that shit for some reason.."

"Goddammit, I really wanted a fuckin' cheeseburger too." Delirious groaned with annoyance, kicking at the dirt by his hooves.

"I'm sure they've got some sorta substitute or something-"

"Dude," Delirious interrupted, looking to Vanoss and gaining his attention, "they're fuckin' horses." Looking down at his body, he patted it idly and added, "We're horses, if you didn't fuckin' forget. Horses eat hay an' shit."

"I don't think I like the idea of eating hay, Delirious-"

"Well, get fuckin' used to it. Horses eat hay, and we eat hay-"

"Delirious you're scaring me."

"Calm the fuck down. Horses eat, like, vegetables too, right?"

Vanoss hummed, then nodded slowly, "Yeah, I think so."

"And they can eat candy, right?"

Another short, hesitant nod.

"Like, uh, chocolate?"

"Look Delirious, I don't fucking know about horses, man. You tell me."

The Pegasus threw a hoof into his forehead, groaning, "Well, I don't know either dammit," he said, looking up at his friend, "that's why I was asking you-"

"And I don't fucking know."

"Well, neither do I-"

Delirious was interrupted as his hoof reached for his stomach, which growled loudly at him as he attempted to suppress it. Turning back at Vanoss, he added, "Can we just go get somethin' to fuckin' eat, Vanoss? My tummy hurts..."

"Excuse me? Your 'tummy' hurts?"

"Yeah, I just fuckin' said it, pay attention."

Vanoss rolled his eyes, "Jesus, don't get so mad. Do we even have any money?"

"Yeah, of course we fucking do. You've got some cash, I just stole it from you-"

Vanoss waved the wad in his hoof with a sly look, the Pegasus frowning underneath his mask.

"How much do you have in that anyway?"

Vanoss thumbed through it quickly, then gazed back at Delirious and replied, "Five hundred. Should be enough, unless your fat ass wants to Supersize it-"

"Fuck off. I doubt they'd have a fuckin' McDonald's here anyway."

The two sat idly on the sidewalk, watching the small building in silence as various ponies wandered into and out of its front door. Vanoss looked up to the pink arches standing tall and proud in the sky, to the pink arches emblazoned on the road next to it, and then to the large sign that read Hay Burger.

He looked down at his friend with a wide grin, who blew air out of his nostrils and muttered, "God fucking dammit..."

"Well, it's close enough Delirious," Vanoss replied, ignoring the Pegasus' cursing as he spread his forelegs out and yelled, "this is where good people go to die and get fat."

"You said you weren't trying to kill me Vanoss," Delirious said, his eyes wandering the red and white bags held by the countless ponies as they walked out of the building. Sniffing the air, he moaned and added, "but I think I might be okay with it this time-"

"Well, we have no other choice. I didn't see a fuckin' Subway or anything on our way, so I guess we're fucked."

Looking up at Vanoss as he lay on the ground in bliss, Delirious replied, "Well, how bad can it be? Horses don't eat meat and shit, so their burgers and bacon and shit are off the list."

"What about their sodas? Do horses drink soda?" Vanoss asked, staring down at his friend in kind.

Delirious shrugged, "Do horses eat fries? I mean, they're just potatoes and shit, not really harmless. I don't really see them as eating salt- hell, I don't see them eating many things besides grass and their own shit."

"Yeah, let's not let it come down to that Delirious. I don't know about you, but I'm not really looking forward to pooping on the ground and eating it off the grass."

"Why not? We're horses, maybe it's not so bad on our tastebuds-"

Turning around, Vanoss raised his tail slightly and asked, "You wanna test it smartass?"

"Whoa whoa whoa, hang on a second man," Delirious spoke, scooting away from the Earth pony quickly.

Returning to a normal position, Vanoss laughed and replied, "Didn't fuckin' think so, Delirious."

The Pegasus scrambled to his hooves, glaring at his friend as he muttered something under his breath.

Leaning toward him, Vanoss asked, "What was that?"

"Nothin', bitch."

"No, you said something Delirious-"

"No I fuckin' didn't. Now shut your fuckin' mouth before I stick my dick in it-"

"Whoa," Vanoss said, pushing the air in front of him, "whoa, whoa, whoa."

"...."

"Whoa-"

"I meant it-"

"Whoa."

"Shut up."

"Do you really want me to kick your ass in front of a fucking McDonald's, Delirious?"

"It's not called McDonald's Vanoss. Can't you fuckin' read, man? It says Hay Burger right on the sign!"

Vanoss scoffed, crossing his arms and looking to his right in frustration.

"It's literally a few yards away from you!"

"Shut up, Delirious, I have a gun and the money."

Delirious hoof suddenly came out with a knife, "That can be remedied, bitch."

Vanoss' reached for his stomach, grasping at his carbine rifle, "Try it, Delirious."

"You wouldn't fire your gun out here-"

"You wanna bet?" Vanoss asked, his brow furrowed as he cocked the lever on the side.

The two stared each other down, until a voice suddenly broke the silence as it asked, "Hey, you guys goin' in to buy something?"

They turned, finding a light blue Unicorn looking at them oddly.

"Uh, 'sup bitch-"

"Excuse me?"

"Sorry about that," Vanoss said, quickly putting his gun away and facing the mare as he threw his hoof out, "name's Vanoss."

"Huh, weird name. What about Mr. Plothole over here?"

"His name's Delirious." Vanoss confirmed, watching as the Pegasus crossed his arms and frowned.

"Well," the mare said, shaking Vanoss' hoof, "my name's Colgate. But uh, don't tell anypony you saw me here. I'm the local dentist, and, well..."

Vanoss nodded, "I get it." Turning toward the establishment, he asked, "so, what the hell do they serve here anyway?"

"Well, it serves burgers, obviously. Fries, soda, all kinds of unhealthy stuff, but it's so good I can't help myself," Colgate replied, biting her lower lip. Raising a brow, she looked the Earth pony up and down and asked, "Why? You two new around Ponyville?"

"Yeah, guess you could say that. What kinda burgers are they? I don't eat turkey."

Colgate looked at him with a blank look on her face, a blue hoof pointing lazily at the building, "It's.. it's called 'Hay Burger'...."

"Yeah, I know that. What kind of burgers do they sell?"

"It's called 'Hay Burger'... they sell hay burgers..."

Vanoss' eyes went wide, and, judging from the stutter that emanated from the ground next to him, Delirious seemed to be surprised as well.

"Seriously? Are you two stupid or something?"

"I thought it was just some clever horse pun."

"Yeah, same here," Delirious said, getting up from the grass, "What the hell do hay burgers even taste like?"

"They taste like hay, obviously. What, you two live under a rock or something?"

"Well, no, but-"

"You could always just go buy one and see. Unless you don't have any money, but-"

"No," Vanoss said, pulling the small bundle of cash out, "we have money."

Colgate looked the wad over in silence before she blinked rapidly at Vanoss and Delirious and asked, "Uh, what's that?"

"It's our money."

"That's not money," she replied, her horn lighting up and levitating out a small bag, which opened up to allow a small token to float next to her, "this is money. Bits. Seriously, where's your rock at? Must be in the Badlands if you don't know what the hay bits are-"

"No no no," Delirious suddenly said, pushing Vanoss out of the way and stepping in front of Colgate with a smile, "Pfft, of course we know what bits are. We were just fuckin' with you-"

"Do you always curse this much? There are foals here."

"Only when I'm in love, baby-"

"Okay. Ew-"

"Delirious, are you seriously about to fuck a horse?"

"Hey!" Delirious snapped, turning his attention to Vanoss with fury, "don't fuckin' judge me! What other kinda girls are there? All I see are horses!"

"Delirious confirmed for horse fucker, everyone."

"Shut your fuckin' mouth-"

"Well, if you two are low on money, my friend might have a position at her workplace so you two can earn some bits."

"That depends on what we have ta do."

"Her name's Banana Split. She runs a fruit cart in the market place, and she's needed some help lately-"

"Fuck yeah!" Vanoss yelled, turning toward Delirious, "Delirious, we get to sell bananas now!"

"Goddammit, I don't wanna hear you singing the whole fucking day," he whined, before looking at Colgate with pleading eyes, "do you have anybody else in mind?"

"That's it, sorry. Do you want it, or not? She'd gladly have anypony else besides you two-"

"Nope," Vanoss interrupted, pushing Delirious out of the way, "we'll take it."

"That's great!" Colgate replied happily, "I'll make sure to tell her today, if you wanna come with."

"Yeah, sure. This is gonna be awesome, man!"

"This is gonna fuckin' suck..."

Author's Notes:

There are really no good synonyms for "alley" or "alleyway". This really bugs me.