“Oh no…”

“Oh my Faust…”

“I hope no one was inside of there…”

“What is that thing?”

The townsfolk advanced upon the burning wreckage, looks of both worry and fear etched on their faces. They came slowly, very cautious and mindful of what the remains could bring from within them. Forming a half-circle around what they assumed to be its underside, they watched in silence, leaning this way and that to try to get a better view of the occupants.

As the fire continued to roar, the crowd continued to stare into the burning wreck, wondering if anyone had actually survived the absolutely devastating crash. Whatever it was, there was no way it was functional any longer. The bright yellow and green paint was completely darkened, the apparent rear end having unleashed a volley of clear liquid. Though the crowd believed it was water, the smell helped them know better.

The entire left side was caved in, as if a higher figure had taken out their frustration with a mallet the size of a house. The windows lining the body were completely destroyed, shards of glass littering the floor around it.

A loud, looping sound began to play, and the ponies realized quickly what it was. Stepping back, they watched as the gasoline touched a single flame, ignited, and blew up, absolutely demolishing the rear end of the machine, kicking it out of the dirt and overturning it on the previously grassy field.

As they screamed in fright, another loud sound came immediately after: the sound of metal bars shifting and groaning in response. Their eyes darted to the side nearest the front, to the surprisingly un-destroyed window that prior protected the machine’s pilot.

It did, after all, fall from the sky.

A shadow passed by it, seemingly immense and muscular in size. The townfolk stepped back further, not wanting to mess with whatever beast was inside.

A few Unicorns lit their horns, preparing to fend it off.

The machine’s insides rustled loudly, echoing through the area and giving the ponies a dawning sense of dread.

And suddenly, a small pink form rolled out of the interior, landing on its rump and looking up at them innocently. Raising its forelegs, it oinked cutely, waving its hooves as if to get their attention. Watching, the townsfolk broke down, d’awwing in response at the helmeted pig on the floor.

It continued to oink, and the ponies continued to swoon over it.

As if bipolar and deranged, it reached for its side and pulled out a sizable item, easily three quarters the size of its body. Waving it at them, he suddenly spoke in an opposing tone, “Alright, put yer fuckin’ hands up! This is a robbery!”

The Ponyvillians raised their hooves, unexpectedly shaking in fear.

“Put your money on the fuckin’ ground, I don’t wanna see any cop-outs.”

A large pile of bits fell to the floor, clattering on the rocks and dirt by their hooves. The pig smiled, and aimed the item more steadily at a light green mare, who grit her teeth and shivered. “You!” He pointed, “C’mere and pick this shit up! All of it, don’t miss a single penny!”

The mare complied, grabbing the bits and holding them against her chest hurriedly.

“Hurry the fuck up! You’re wasting daylight here!”

“Sorry, sorry!”

As the mare dropped the collection in front of him, he nodded, commenting, “Yeah you fuckin’ better be…” Looking at the ground by his hooves, he counted the pile in his head, still aiming his Sweeper at the crowd. His head perked back up, and he shouted, “Okay! Good! Now, if you all wanna get home, you’re gonna wanna listen to me!”

The ponies nodded.

“Good shit! Alright, first, I want you to nod your heads again.”

They did so.

The pig laughed, “This is fucking gold okay uh, next! Um… look at the guy to your left and tell them they’re stupid.”

Though confused and admittedly unwilling to do so, they complied.

The pig smiled, still aiming his Sweeper by his side, “Alright now, say it with me! Badoop-a-doop Buh-nana OH!”

The pig fell to the floor, the pile of bits falling back to the ground next to him. Keeling, he held his back, wheezing, “Ah, what the fuck?” He turned over, reaching toward his crotch and taking out his combat pistol, intending to shoot whoever had just hit him.

His green eyes widened.

The blue Pegasus stared at him in silence, the butt of his assault rifle aimed his way. His tail swished idly, and the white mask frowned heavily.

“Sit the fuck down.”

“Holy shit, Delirious?”

Delirious responded simply, fumbling with his rifle and aiming it at the pig’s head, glaring as he said casually, “That’s right motherfucker. Give them back their money. Now.”

“What? Why the hell would I do that?”

The Pegasus loaded his assault rifle, poking the barrel into the pig’s helmeted skull. “I could just kick your ass and make you. Not sure if you know, but just because we respawn doesn’t mean we don’t feel pain or nothin’. I know for a fuckin’ fact I can take a pig-”

“Bullshit. You couldn’t take a monkey, Delirious.”

Delirious raised an eyebrow to the sky, raising the rifle’s iron sights to his eyes, “Vanoss should be here any minute.”

“Evan’s here too?”

Suddenly, as if on cue, a shout began to erupt from the area beyond town. The pig looked behind them, and watched as a black figure flew toward them from a large hill in a ragdoll-like manner. As his yelling grew closer and closer, a red Earth Pony could be made out as the source, and swiftly, it made its descent, crashing into the ground and sending the Pony rolling in the air. Throwing its hind legs out, it stuck the landing, placing the glasses atop its head over its eyes as it pulled out a carbine.

It aimed for a brief second before it looked over at Delirious, brow raised, “Why the fuck are you about to kill a pig?”

Delirious rolled his eyes, still taking aim at the farm animal’s head. “Seriously?” He pointed toward the white open-face helmet sitting atop his skull, “Are you fucking stupid or something?”

Vanoss shook his head, grinning, “No, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Delirious growled, “He’s a pig! Who else do we know has a pig as his-”

“Nogla?”

Blue eyes rolled, “Seriously?”

“Yeah. Geez Delirious, are you okay? Need some water? You might be a bit-”

The Pegasus shifted his aim from the pig and to Vanoss, snarling, “Don’t. You. FUCKING. Say it.”

Vanoss lowered his carbine, barely containing his laughter, “You might be a bit-”

He was interrupted abruptly as a pink blur flew past him, tackling Delirious to the ground and sending his assault rifle flying into the air. The pig beat down on Delirious, who raised his hooves over his eyes and shouted, “Goddammit Vanoss! HEEEEEEEEEEEELP!”

“No,” was the Canadian’s response as he watched the pig whip out a nightstick, commenting, “What’s with the dildo Wildcat- oof!” The stick flew into his gut, knocking him to the ground wheezing in pain. Getting up off the ground, the swine threw Delirious into Vanoss, knocking both of them to the ground in a heap.

Smirking, he grabbed the falling carbine from midair, gripped it in one hoof, and fired a volley into the pile, successfully landing his hits on Delirious, who had fallen on top of his friend involuntarily. As he shouted in response, the pig gave a kick to the Pegasus’ body, sending him to lie on his front by Vanoss, who became aware of a rifle butt headed his way.

Bashing the Canadian’s head with the rifle, Wildcat saw Delirious get up in the corners of his eyes. He approached, and Wildcat threw his attention of the butt into Delirious, sending him spiraling away in a daze. What he was not prepared for was Vanoss grabbing him from behind, and as he squirmed, he watched Delirious approach with a smirk, brandishing a baseball bat.

Delirious stopped less than a foot away, raising the weapon. Thinking quickly, Wildcat bit into Vanoss’ foreleg as the Pegasus swung, plopping onto the ground unharmed and unable to witness the damage that had been done above. Eyes widening, he scrambled out of the way as Vanoss’ body fell toward the dirt. Rolling, he grabbed hold of the Earth Pony’s head with both hooves, grit his teeth, and threw him into Delirious’ crotch.

The world exploded with a squeal of pain.

Grinning, Wildcat sidestepped, allowing both bodies to fall to the ground in sync. Delirious’ body disappeared, leaving Vanoss as the sole survivor, who lay on the floor, grabbing his head and wincing. Stalking toward him, Wildcat laughed, “Wow, fuck you guys. Can’t even fight a small piggy?”

Vanoss looked up at him, grinning through his pain.

Wildcat cursed under his breath, and promptly fell to the floor as a baseball bat made contact with the side of his helmeted head. Rolling in the dirt, he saw the duo approach, weapons in hoof. Reaching toward his crotch, the pig pulled out his pump shotgun, taking aim at Delirious, who eeped in fear and threw his friend in front of him, who took the explosive blow to the head, cursing the Pegasus all the while.

Not wanting the body to disappear just yet, Delirious threw the corpse onto Wildcat, who struggled to throw it off due to his small stature. Finally succeeding, he was met with a combat pistol to his head. Rolling his eyes and sighing, Wildcat began, “You gonna shoot an innocent pig? C’mon Delirious, that’s fucked up even for you-”

He fired without a word.

Unsuccessfully, of course, thanks to Wildcat’s helmet, which deflected the bullet and sent it flying back at Delirious. The shrapnel careened toward his mask, and as he attempted to duck subconsciously, he felt it tear away at something. Feeling for where it had hit, he realized it had taken a small chunk out of the bottom left side of his mask. Mouth wide, he looked at Wildcat, about to ask, “What the fuck?!” only to be met with the rear end of an RPG, which smacked into his cheek with full, brute force, rendering him seriously injured on the floor.

Holstering the RPG, Wildcat looked up and found a red blur in the air. With no time, it tackled him to the ground. The two rolled around for a bit in the dirt, neither gaining the upper hand with no room to reach for any weapons they had in their arsenal.

Delirious got up shakily, his hooves quivering violently as if he were on the ground floor during a 10.0 earthquake. Gritting his teeth, he worked his jaw, attempting to loosen it up from the huge walloping it had just taken. Gnawing at nothing, he shook his head, looking toward the pair of bodies lying on the floor, currently occupied with one another in a huge fistfight.

He grinned.

He reached toward his crotch, chuckled, and brought out a hatchet.

Delirious laughed, twirling it in a hoof as he began to walk toward the duo.

Reaching them, they didn’t notice his presence, which was just perfect for him. Looking at Vanoss, who was on top and probably not winning, he growled. Readying his body, he threw a hoof into his side, knocking him off and into the ground next to Wildcat. Standing over the pig, Delirious shouted a war-cry, brought the hatchet up, and swung, finally landing it in its target.

Grimacing slightly, Vanoss watched as Delirious attempted to retrieve the hatchet from Wildcat’s head. Sucking on his lower lip, his eyes grew wide, then narrowed as he pointed a hoof toward the area, commenting, “What the hell?”

Delirious, still trying, looked at Vanoss with a look of curiosity, “What?”

The Canadian pointed at his face, and Delirious looked. Wildcat was a pig. Easy to know, right? He was also wearing a helmet, as was usual, though there was now a noticeable dent in it from the hatchet currently lodged within it. What was odd, however?

The pig was wearing a white helmet and a pig mask. At the same time.

Finally freeing the hatchet from its location and sending a few pieces of pig meat onto the ground, Delirious looked to the crowd, shaking the weapon’s blade a couple times. He laughed darkly, as if recovering from a near-death experience.

“...Pig-ception, anyone?”

The crowd remained silent, their eyes darting to the right of Delirious.

“What’s- oh fuck!”

PFOO!

Delirious fell to the floor, dead.

As the pool of blood began to increase, Vanoss’ expression shrunk as he swiftly turned tail, watching as Wildcat stood in the distance, a heavy sniper smoking in his hooves. Vanoss stepped back, attempting to defuse the situation but only to watch as Wildcat raised the rifle yet again, this time at Vanoss.

He flinched as the deafening sound came again, and instantly realized what had happened a second later as he heard Delirious yell.

“You motherfucker!”

Vanoss turned, finding a holstering Wildcat walking toward him with a smirk visible underneath his pig mask and on his… pig… face. Stepping in front of the Canadian, Wildcat raised a pink hoof to the sky, which for him was about the height of Vanoss himself. He studied this for a moment, narrowed his eyes, and smiled, high-hoofing Wildcat and causing the pig to suddenly oink in delight. He flushed, “Fuck, did I just do what I think I just did?”

“Yes, you just did,” Vanoss replied almost instantly, laughing.

“Fuck you, don’t tell Del-”

“Someone say my name?!” A voice called, the origin suddenly knocking Wildcat to the floor with a baseball bat. As he attempted to get up, Delirious tried grabbing him, only to receive a swift kick to the face. Growling, Delirious grit his teeth and watched as Wildcat scrambled for the still burning wreckage of the bus. Calmly walking toward him, Wildcat barely managed to squeeze inside before Delirious grabbed him by the tail, yanking him out and beginning to drag him along the ground, creating a path in the dirt.

Stopping, he dropped Wildcat’s rump to the ground, reached toward his crotch, and pulled out his assault shotgun. Stepping onto the pig’s head, who tried to swat at him as he lay belly down, Delirious took aim, yelling, “You broke my fuckin’ mask you fuckin’ bitch!”

Cocking the weapon, Delirious reached for the trigger.

“Delirious!”

His heart stopped.

He turned to his right, and found Applejack glaring at him from among the crowd. Stepping forward, she yelled, “Stop, right now!”

He complied, throwing his weapon to the ground and hearing it clatter in the dirt.

Applejack approached him, waving a hoof. He swiftly stepped off of Wildcat, who scrambled to his hooves and laughed at Delirious. The Pegasus tilted his head, observing the state of his friend’s face. An idea forming in his head, he stayed quiet and listened for a sentence.

“Just what do ya think you’re doin’ just hurtin’ some poor animal?!”

“Poor?!” Delirious yelled, throwing a hoof toward Wildcat, “He tried ta murder me!”

“Ah sure as hay doubt that-”

“No, no he’s right,” was Wildcat’s input from the side, a matter-of-fact look to his face as he raised a hoof.

“Doesn’t change a thing, Sugarcube. Y’all can’t just be doin’ this all the time-”

“Hey Applejack?” Delirious asked.

“Yeah, Delirious?”

He bit his lip, looking to the right and then back at Applejack. Or, more specifically, the large bags underneath her eyes that marked her lack of sleep. Grinning, he chuckled and sputtered, “You uh, heh, you look like shit.”

“Yeah, ah… wait, no-”

“Do you need some water?”

Applejack glared, raising her hoof.

Delirious grinned wildly, almost squealing, “You look a little delirious-”

She smacked him. Hard.

Author's Notes:

And I'm gone.