He tapped his hoof against the table, sighing.

He was bored. Opening his mouth involuntarily, he yawned into the blue sky, attempting to stifle himself with his other hoof. Succeeding, he nipped loudly, scanning the area around him. The marketplace was busy that day, filled with ponies purchasing wares for the upcoming harvest, due to take place in two days time.

Giving a blank look, he tilted his head further into his hoof, pressing his cheek into the rest of his face. Blowing a dramatic raspberry, he sighed heavily.

“Hey, Vanoss?”

He turned his head, getting up slightly.

“What is it now Goddammit. I’m doing important shit.”

Banana Split rolled her eyes, hovering a small crate toward him with her magic.

“We need to put a few bananas on the stand here, so people actually know what we’re selling for a change.”

Vanoss raised a brow and frowned, “Are you serious? What the hell, why?”

“I don’t think your sign does anything to support our sales.”

Vanoss leaned forward and craned his neck, looking up to see his voted-for sign.

Badoop-a-doop Banana Bus. Come buy some, straight from the pig’s mouth!

He returned to his prior position, looking at Banana Split with a blank stare. “I don’t see the problem, Banana Bus.”

Her eyes narrowed. “Are you implying I’m a whorse?”

“No. You’re a pony, you always correct me.”

“No, I…” she sighed, and instead groaned, “just put some of these on the stand. That way, we can make more bits from ponies aside from curious passersby.”

Vanoss rolled his eyes, waving a hoof as he said, “Alright, give ‘em here.”

As Banana Split turned tail back to the cart behind him, Vanoss began setting up the bananas, placing them side by side across the banana stand. Finishing the difficult task in an astounding few seconds, Vanoss wiped his brow with a hoof, leaned back in his requested chair, and stifled yet another yawn. Placing a hoof behind his head, he looked up at the sign and promptly placed his sunglasses over his brown eyes. Grinning slightly, he waited for the next customer.

The front of the stand was completely barren, the ponies of the marketplace seemingly uninterested in bananas at the time. He had to admit, it made sense. Bananas didn’t do shit when you were cracking your back trying to pull out a Goddamn turnip in the ground. Applejack seemed to attest to this; whenever she came to the stand, it was always to check up on him, not to purchase his wares.

Blinking, he frowned.

He wished Delirious was here.

And suddenly a Pegasus fell from the sky, the sounds of bones shattering mixing in with the sound of his body crashing into the dirt. Vanoss leaned forward, lowering his glasses.

“What the hell-”

“Ah God.” The body began to rise one foreleg at a time. “You motherfucker… Gaah, fuck, my fuckin’ back hurts.” As the Pegasus’ second foreleg began to steady, it also began to wobble immediately, and sure enough, the Pegasus fell again. As he placed his face into the ground, he groaned loudly, muffled by the mounds of dirt around him. The body remained still for half a minute, Vanoss assuming that he had finally died of his wounds.

Instead, the Pegasus lifted his head.

The mask frowned.

“Oh,” he turned his head and spat blood onto the ground, “hey Vanoss.”

“Hey Delirious. How’s the flying?”

“You know ‘bout that shit?”

“I mean, shit, you’re right above me like everyday.” Turning his head to his boss, he added, “not like I have anything fucking better to do than watch.”

“Well in that case, it’s uh, it’s okay...”

Vanoss raised a brow, “It’s ‘okay’?”

Delirious chuckled, still lying prone on the ground, “Sure. I mean, I just fuckin’ broke my shit from fallin’ about six thousand feet, but I’m doin’ okay.” His eyes looked to the ground to his right, and then peered back up. Blue stared into bored brown.

“How’s the banana business?”

“Shit,” he said almost too quickly, “nopony wants what we’re selling. We’re not getting shit for-”

“Wait wait wait. Hold the fuck on.” Delirious brought out a hoof, pointing at him as he gave him a skeptical look. “Did you just say what I think you fuckin’ said?”

“Fuck you, Delirious. I’m used to it.”

The Pegasus laughed in response, rolling over on his back and lying face-up in the grass, “Holy shit, that’s fuckin’ awesome, man.”

“Banana Bus ‘s always riding my ass about it.”

“Always? Dude, it’s been, like, a few days.”

“Whatever.”

The two stood in dead silence for what seemed like minutes, their prior positions unchanged. Delirious lay prone in the dirt. Vanoss leaned into a forehoof, uninterested in the entirety of the world. The market crowd continued around them.

“Fuck this.”

“You wanna break it down?” Delirious asked, head slowly rising out of the dirt.

Vanoss hummed for a brief second.

“Sure.”

Banana Split, meanwhile, was busy dealing with the banana cart, clipboard hovering next to her with a pencil in her hoof. Sticking out her tongue, she peered into the rickshaw, looking for any faults in her fruits. Seeing none, she slid the clipboard in front of her and began writing on the piece of paper vigorously. Flipping it, she glanced over the grocery list, intending on having Vanoss watch the cart while she collected said groceries from said list. Brow flying upward and then back downward, she scrunched her eyes and wondered why Zap had scribbled Oreos down alongside carrots and watermelons.

Suddenly, her ears perked up at the sound of splintered wood. Dropping her magic, she turned on a heel and gasped in shock, watching as H2O Motherfucking Delirious and Vanoss, her own prized employee, promptly kicked away at her banana stand. Shouting, she cantered over to them. “What the buck are you two doing?!”

The two continued to kick away at the wood.

Delirious answered.

“Beatin’ the shit outta your,” CRACK “banana stand.”

Her jaw dropped. “Why?!”

It was Vanoss’ turn. He stopped, and stared her in the eyes. “Because your business is bad and you should feel bad.”

He gave another kick.

“Plus you treat me like shit.”

“Because you don’t do anything!”

Vanoss smirked, “Exactly. I hate this job.” He delivered one final kick, and stuck a hoof out. He remained like this for some time, and Delirious finally asked him as he laughed.

“What the fuck are you doin’?”

“I… fuck. If I had a middle finger, I’d be flipping you off right now.”

“What’s that supposed ta mean?” Banana Split asked, gritting her teeth angrily.

“Wow. Shit world you live in,” Delirious said matter-of-factly, sucking in his cheeks thereafter. Turning to Vanoss, he leaned against him and asked, “You wanna get some booze?”

Vanoss chuckled, “Hell yeah I do.”

The two turned to leave, but were halted by the sound of Banana Split.

"Hey! I'm not done here!" She watched as Vanoss and Delirious turned, each giving her very unimpressed looks. "You can't just do this to me! Destroying my cart? My income?! Who the hell do you think you are?!" By now, her nostrils were flaring, and her ears were flattened against her head as her voice rose. Finally, she asked the golden question, one that caused the busy, bustling marketplace around them to suddenly stop their usual marketing behavior and look the trio's way.

"What the buck is wrong with you two?!"

The marketplace fell to a hush. All eyes were on the two stallions, seemingly not noticing their new-found attention. A crow cawed in the distance, and the wind carried a group of dust across the scene in between the stallions and the yellow mare. Suddenly, Delirious began to walk over to Banana Split in silence, the mare moving not a single inch and giving no clue as to the state of her resolve. The grass crunched underneath his hooves, making it the only sound in seemingly the entire town, now intent on witnessing what the Pegasus was about to say.

He stood in front of the mare.

And began to walk even closer.

And closer.

And Banana Split began to shrink back, as the white hockey mask began to press against her forehead. Looking up at the blue stallion before her, she watched as his frown began to make way for a very toothy grimace, his brow furrowing to almost impossible levels as he glared her down like an archenemy. Pushing her with only his mask, he began to speak menacingly.

"What's wrong with us? What's wrong with me and my friend? You wanna fuckin' know, bitch?"

He blinked, and Banana Split's expression froze.

His eyes were now completely black, save for a single, red, pinprick marking his irises. Suddenly, he growled, and whispered to her.

"We're outta our FUCKING minds. If you stop being a fucking bitch, maybe we won't come back. But, if you do-"

SHINK.

Delirious' eyes suddenly reverted back to usual, and slowly stared downward at the knife now jabbed into his stomach. He looked up, and found Banana Split looking at him, a furious look on her face and the handle of the combat knife grasped in her hoof. She gave him a grin in kind.

"Holy shit."

"You think I didn't take at least one of your weapons, Vanoss?" Banana Split asked, letting go of the knife as Delirious fell to the ground in a heap. "I'm not stupid."

Vanoss began to reach toward his stomach, saying, "Good. It'll be fair when I kick your ass then."

Banana Split began to laugh, walking backward toward her banana stand. "Oh, yes." She reached to an area behind it, and brought out her prize. "It will."

"Ah shit."

"My kid plays video games with my husband. What do they call this, hm? An RPG, am I right?"

Vanoss stepped back slightly, staring in defeat at the explosive ordnance staring him in the face. Looking at Banana Split, he noticed the state of her mane, now a complete mess and sticking out every which way. He began to wonder how the hell she was managing to hold the damn thing in her hooves.

"Ponyville?!" She called to the audience, who leaned to her. Adjusting the RPG, she finished, "Stand back."

They did so.

And Banana Split suddenly fell to the floor, shaking violently as the RPG clattered next to her in the dirt. Vanoss looked to where she previously stood and found Delirious, a small grey and yellow pistol in his hooves. He glared down at the mare, who still shook as if she were on the floor in the middle of an earthquake simulation.

Vanoss walked up to his friend, joining him in watching the mare twitch wildly.

"Stun gun?" He asked calmly, turning his head.

Delirious holstered the weapon, still glaring as he looked at him. "Fuck yeah." He fell to his haunches and crossed his forelegs angrily. Sweeping his head around, he asked the audience, "Can someone call the cops?"

"Already on it."

Vanoss and Delirious turned, watching as Applejack began to walk toward the two, a smile on her face. As she stood next to them, a pair of police officers stepped through the crowd, picking Banana Split up from the floor. Kicking and screaming, she was carried away. Applejack gave an admittedly dark chuckle as she watched them leave, then looked at the two stallions with a small grin. "Ah never liked her anyway. Not enough for you ta shock her, but, well..."

Delirious laughed, "She was probably pretty shocked."

Vanoss joined in, adding, "The energy was coursing through her veins."

The two laughed together, not expecting a third voice to speak in their conversation.

"Heh heh, she was a hay of a bitch."

They suddenly turned, giving incredulous looks at Applejack, who grinned at them deeply. "Ah toldja Ah never liked her."

Vanoss and Delirious giggled, and the former looked at the latter, commenting, "Damn, Jack's pretty cool."

The mask frowned, but Delirious smiled. "She sure is."

Applejack raised a hoof to speak, but was interrupted by a small, raspy voice. "That was awesome!"

The three spun, watching as Rainbow Dash landed, depositing Scootaloo on the ground next to her. The filly's mouth was agape, "That was so cool, Delirious. The... the way she was all, 'I'm gonna kick your flank, Vanoss', and then you came in like, 'No you're not, I'm H2O Delirious', and you just zapped her! That was wicked!"

Rainbow Dash grinned, laughing as well as she tussled the filly's mane, "Me and the Squirt were wondering why you hadn't flown back up yet. Looked over the cloud and saw you beating the sh- crap out of that banana stand." She perked up, looking at Delirious, "gotta admit, that was pretty awesome."

Delirious shook his head, flailing a hoof toward Vanoss, "Don't get on me. Was all him."

Rainbow's eyes suddenly lit up as she stepped forward, eyes sparkling, "Oh my gosh, you're the Fence Guy! Remember me?"

Vanoss gave a weird look, but nodded afterward, "Oh yeah. 'Fence Guy'."

The mare grinned, "Yeah! That was awesome! You've gotta teach me how to do that!"

Scootaloo walked up next to her quickly, adding, "And you've gotta show me it, too!"

"Calm down, calm down," Vanoss said, a proud look on his face. "It's not that difficult when you think about it..."

The three began talking amongst themselves about Vanoss' fence trick, Applejack losing interest as she turned, intent on talking to Delirious. She found him by the banana stand, collecting the RPG from earlier. Raising a brow, she raised her voice as well, saying simply, "Ah'm surprised they didn't take that in for evidence."

Delirious stuffed the RPG into his crotch, and walked up to Applejack, "Eh, I guess they didn't really see it as functional. I don't even think she knew how to pull the trigger." He glanced at her, adding, "Not much you can learn from a video game."

Green looked into blue.

"Ah s'pose not."

Delirious blew out of his lips, looking at the crowd of ponies now dispersing and returning to their market behavior. Watching them, the mask frowned.

"How's flyin'?"

He guffawed, "Not great, heh heh. Kinda shit to be honest. Didn't think flapping meat'd be hard."

She adjusted her Stetson with a grin, "Well, Ah'm sure with your experience, it won't be as hard as you make it-"

"Oh fuck you," he spat, but he was laughing.

"Yer just feedin' me jokes here, Delirious. If y'all don't want this, y'all," she poked his side, "need ta keep your mouth shut."

"Yeah yeah yeah..." He blew a raspberry, and felt a foreleg across his chest. "God, that knife fuckin' hurt..."

Applejack spoke quickly, "Yeah, Ah was wonderin' 'bout that. What's with yer whole disappearin'-and-comin'-back deal?"

"Oh, we just respawn."

Applejack gave him a blank look as her response.

"I'm serious," He included, beginning to chuckle once again. The mare next to him only rolled her eyes in silence. Calming down, he asked, "How's farming?"

"Tough. Summer harvest is in less than two days, and we've got a lot to prepare for, which is why I was out here in the first place today." Nodding her head toward her cart, now noticeable with the lack of ponies around them, she continued, "Got a pair o' boots, some new buckets, an' almost an armory-amount of shovels, hoes, and rakes."

"Heh... hoes..."

She swatted him with a hoof, "Shut yer mouth." Delirious chuckled, mostly to himself. "We could use some help when it starts, Delirious."

He looked at her.

"Could get you some money as well, if ya want."

He hummed for a brief few seconds, and finally said, "I could do that. I'm not called the Harvesting Master for no reason."

"Harvestin' Master, huh? Like, what, apples?"

"Nah, people."

She gave him the weirdest look he had ever beheld in his entire life. "Y'all've got some kinda problem, Ah swear..."

"Hey, guys!"

The two spun, finding Vanoss and Rainbow Dash looking at them. Rainbow spoke, "We're about to head to the bar! You guys wanna come?"

"Rainbow, Ah've gotta get home and rest up for th' Harvest. Ah can't-"

"Oh come the fuck on, why not?"

She glared at Delirious, "Ah just toldja why. Ah can't just go drinkin' two days before Ah gotta work-"

"Pfft, a hangover only lasts a day, Applejack. Besides, you gotta learn how to have some fun."

Rainbow Dash chimed in, "It's true. She does."

"Shut up, Rainbow."

"I gotta agree with her, you seem kinda anal," Vanoss added.

Scootaloo joined in from atop Rainbow's back, "Come on Applejack! It'll be cool!"

"Scootaloo, you're not even allowed ta drink-"

"They sell soda there too, AJ. Now c'mon, let's go have some fun."

Applejack stood in silence for what seemed to be hours of her time, her face scrunched up in a mixture of annoyance, anger, and resignation of defeat. Head lowered, she pursed her lips and glanced to her right. Delirious was looking at her, waving a hoof her way as he appeared to step a hoof the trio's way. She glared down at the ground, shut her eyes, sighed, and perked up.

"Let's go," she exclaimed, accepting her fate.

A flurry of cheering sounded out, and the five began to walk east, toward the local bar. Slowing down, Delirious trotted alongside Applejack, who groaned softly. Noticing this, he looked at her. "You okay?"

"Eeyup."

"That's good. You're gonna get your drink on tonight, and you're gonna fucking love it."

"Eeyup."

"You're gonna pass out, and you're gonna wake up all groggy and shit, not remembering what happened last night."

"Eeyup."

"It'll be fucking beautiful."

"Buck you."

Delirious only laughed in response.

Behind the five, Applejack's cart sat neglected in the waning sunlight.

Author's Notes:

Remember kids, if no one notices you starting something, let the other retaliate harshly when people do start noticing. They'll get all the blame.

It's fucking great.