Things went really…really…really downhill really fast.

At one point, perhaps 15 minutes ago the Stalliongrad Precinct 5 police force in an orderly fashion was clubbing Africanized beavers in the middle of the park, but things hit the fan very fast.

Apparently beavers had somehow gotten into the sewers. So while we were preoccupied with the relentless charge of beavers on one side we had no one watching our backs (Even though we all feared we’d be outflanked). I turned around to see a swarm of beavers popping up from a manhole. I tried to make a dash to put the cover back on, but there were simply too many.

With beavers attacking from both sides the police force turned into a routing horde of disoriented ponies. I fortunately found Mike and Blue Breeze intact and we attempted to make a dash down the street towards the harbor, but beavers (As we believed) had already outflanked us, with no alternative we ran into the nearest office building and barricaded its entry.

“Is everyone okay?” I asked, I turned to see 3 ponies in front of me; Mike, Blue Breeze, and the police commander.

“I’m fine…” Blue Breeze said, his voice surprisingly unshaken

“Fine” Mike said

“Fine” The Police Commander responded. I finally got a chance to study him well; he was a little older, not by much though. A big golden star was positioned on his chest right above his heart on his navy blue vest, his helmet must have been left behind in the brawl before, and like the rest of us had small scratches and bruises from the beavers.

“Okay so…what do we do now?” I asked. We were in the building’s lobby; behind a desk was a set of elevators, there were two doors on either side of us.

“First let’s lock the area down” The Police chief said. He grabbed a nearby overturned desk and used his magic to place it in front of the door on our right. Mike did the same with the windows, using debris to cover the windows and reinforce the door; no beaver was getting through here.

“Where is everypony?” Mike asked, the entire building was a ghost town. There was no sound, the only sound coming from the mayhem on the streets.

“Evacuated” The Officer said “Most of them probably, we couldn’t get the word out fast enough, Celestia knows how many are dead.”

Fortunately our search for the first floor looked auspicious. All the windows were locked and the only other door was locked as well. There were a few weapons we salvaged including a fire axe and a crowbar, but very little else.

“So how do we get out of here?” I asked

The Officer pulled out a map from his pocket. It was a map of Stalliongrad

“Okay so basically there are two ways we are getting out of here. Since we have a gale outside I’d be impossible to try and fly out, we would have to use a boat on a harbor or a zeppelin and or balloon from the airfield, next to the harbor. Im not sure how well our zeppelins can fly though in this type of weather.”

“Couldn’t we walk?” Mike asked

“Stalliongrad is a big city; at this rate those things will outrun us; unless you can take down black magic monsters with your crowbar.” The officer said

“Well we don’t have any other choice; we got to make a run for it” Mike observed

“True, but we will be heading North anyways, once there we will think of something.” The officer said, while he was talking I quickly read his golden star, it said “Officer Copper”

“The safest way will be using the roof tops, they all connect somewhat and I doubt any beavers could get up there.” Officer Copper said

“Okay, lead the way my good fellow?” Mike asked friendly

***

I slammed the door open, for god’s sake I was finally on the roof! Why didn’t we use the god damn elevator? I had to walk 50 flights of stairs!

“Well we are on the roof now…” Officer Copper said “Time to-“

I heard a noise in the different, like a giant blade chopping through the air. It was a helicopter. Before I knew it I saw a black hawk helicopter flying towards us, it stopped right on the edge of the building and the pilot was none other than Ayan

.

“Hey Vespi! I dun invented the helicopter!”

“…HOW!?” Mike asked, Ayan was far from genius. I remember last Halloween when we went ding dong ditching we all said “Go right”, when the big fat angry guy answered Ayan ran left and ran into a wall cut himself up real bad and almost got arrested. Is this the same Harrison who just invented a helicopter?

“MAGIC!” Ayan said, snorting like a pig.

“Hey magic boy, I think your helicopter is in less than mint condition” Mike said. I took some time to study the helicopter specifically; it was actually in worse shape than I first thought. The blade itself was in by far the worst condition, it looked like it was going to fall off.

“Relax bro” Ayan said, just like a secret password the blade fell off, like legit just fell off.

The massive helicopter fell from the sky and landed in the middle of the street below

“We better go help him…” I said, Mike nodded and walked over towards me. Officer Copper and Blue Breeze looked more reluctant

“You guys coming?” I asked

The two looked at each other than Blue Breeze spoke up

“We might sit this one out, try and get to the harbor” Blue Breeze said. At first I was livid but I soon realized why they were protesting, I don’t know a person alive who would help Ayan unless they needed him, but then why were we?

“Fine” I said “Mike get on”

***

“Dan, Nico look at that!” Tyler said, they were in an office building a block away from a crash site. It wasn’t a zeppelin but a Black Hawk helicopter. Beavers were quickly converging on the site. A wispy stack of black smoke was lazily floating in the air, once the wind hit it though. The smoke stack scattered, almost looking like a palm tree in a tropical storm.

“I think that might be Ayan!” Nico said, peering through a pair of binoculars he took off a dead pony

“Better go help him, maybe he’s seen Vespi or Mike” Dan said

***

“Get on!” I ordered, the wind had lulled enough to convince me that this was a smart idea.

“Vespi are you retarded!? There is a gale going on!” Mike shouted, the wind picked up yet again. I knew this was a dumb idea, but know what a dumber idea is? Going down all those stairs again!

“Want to go down the stairs then?” I asked, Mike gave a defeated face and jumped on my back

I jumped off the skyscraper and flew, probably not the smartest thing. It was almost impossible to carry all my weight with my two wings but I didn’t really need to fly, only glide down. Then the wind picked up, Mike (Who was holding onto dear life) almost got knocked off, but grabbed my tail at the last second…the bastard he is.

Fortunately we got to the ground without becoming pony salsa. When we were about to touch down the gale hit us like a brick, sending me across the street and into a second story window. I thought I passed out, because standing there was Nico, Dan and Tyler.

“Vespi are you okay!?” I wasn’t dreaming, I felt Nico pick me up and allowed me to steady myself for a moment. Mike was up in an instant almost.

“That was awesome!” Mike said “Can I go again? Can I can I?”

“FUCK NO” I shouted tersely.

“Yup that’s Ayan alright” Nico said

“How are you sure? Maybe it is someone to rescue us” Tyler said, I seriously doubted that, then again that thing from before seems to be magical

“No it’s Ayan, see he is holding the flare backwards” Nico said, I peered into the binoculars to see Ayan on top of the downed bird waving a green flare backwards, dumbass.

“How do we get to him? There is a gale going on and there are beavers everywhere!” Tyler said, the wind was hissing so bad I saw a window crack from the sheer power. It would be impossible to fly now.

“I’ll fly” Dan said “I’m the strongest flier, it only makes sense” Dan said, Dan was never better at Nico in sports (I lost count of how many times Nico has wrecked Dan in gym soccer) but I could tell from Dan’s tone that he was serious. I had no objection; neither did Nico, he could die however he wants to.

“Good luck my son” Tyler said

“Never say that again…” Dan said, he flew through the opening in which we came in through and made a dash for Harrison. The wind was intensifying but not horizontal, vertically. It was like an updraft sending Dan higher and higher into the sky.

I lost glimpse of Dan for a minute and I felt like I had been shot, I wasn’t sure if Dan died or got sucked up by god and his cloud ninjas. The next thing I saw was the color spectrum getting butt fucked. Dan came crashing down into the sky, a tail of blue and yellow coming from behind him. He hit the ground, I could have sworn a tactical went off. A surge of debris went flying in all directions and a 50ft mushroom cloud of blue and yellow particulates hung over the city.

All the beavers were obliterated, and Ayan was too, because he got landed on, cause he is dumb, cuz he is Ayan.

“That…was…AWESOME!” Dan said, he seemed completely unshaken by what could be called a near death

experience. Even though the color spectrum had basically exploded, nothing seemed to change around us. The mushroom cloud continued to drift in the air for a few seconds before the wind came by and it dispersed.

“Yes that was amazing…” Nico said “But now we have to get out of this city, any ideas!?”

“Need a lift?” A voice called. A Humvee appeared from thin air and dropped down right next to us on the paved street. It had 4 seats and on top a .50 Cal gun. Something hit me immediately, this wasn’t the same thing as before. This voice was clearly human, it even had the hint of a Slav, or a Russian for that matter. But how did he do that then? How did he even know we were here?

“That was…convenient” Nico said. Beavers were now converging from all directions, we had to escape and fast. We had no time to ponder on who this new mysterious hero was. Tyler jumped in the driver’s seat instantly. Dan ran to the other side and got in shotgun. I got in a passenger seat with Nico and Mike got the .50 Cal gunner seat.

“Floor it!” I shouted!

“Just realized…” Tyler said “I can’t drive”

“Sure you can just hurry!” Dan shouted. Mike closed the 50. Cal hole and I heard pairs of little adorable beaver feet clambering on top of the Humvee. Beavers were now all trying to get inside the vehicle, submerging us in a sea of brown fur

.

“Don’t worry I know what to do!” Tyler said

5 Hours later

It was…3 A.M. now. Tyler was dancing in his seat. In time all my friends began to stir and wake up.

“What happened?” Nico asked. I looked outside and was stunned. The beavers had completely layered the Humvee. It was impossible to see outside.

“I know how to drive the Humvee!” Tyler said. I then watched him grab a nearby key and turn it. A feint noise occurred and the heat and lights came on.

“That was it…” Dan asked

“Yup” Tyler said “Just realized my hooves are magic and apparently can operate human things as such”

“It took you 5 hours to find this out?” I questioned

“Yup” Tyler said. He twisted the keys a little bit more than floored the pedal.

“GAAAAAAADDDDAFFFFFFFIIII!!” Tyler screamed, sending beavers flying in all directions. We were moving again, Mike was already half asleep so I jumped into the gunner seat. I pulled the hatch opened and grabbed hold of the M60. We were driving now at 80 miles an hour in the streets of the abandoned city. There was barely any debris on road and even less pony life.

“VESPI LOOK OUT” Mike shouted, I looked into the sky to see a flying beaver with flow, apparently Justin Beaver was back…with wings.

I jumped off the platform immediately to avoid getting crushed. I was smart, Justin Beaver landed at first right on the Humvee, causing it to be smooched before bouncing back up undamaged. Justin Beaver had fallen off, but through the window I could see him flying towards us with an army of flying beavers.

“Hurry shoots him down!” Nico cried. I got up on the (Somehow surviving) gun and began blasting .50 Cal rounds into the brown sky. Beavers began to fall like giant pieces of organic hail onto the streets. Tyler tried to drive faster but it was clear that any faster would be our demise, the Humvee was plagued with having to jump over small bumps and small piles of trash or in some cases barricades…or in some other cases, ponies. We being aerial for going off a small ramp wouldn’t help us get out of this mess.

The bullets were having no effect on the evil beast, after firing my entire armament into him and his cronies he seemed barely damaged, he wasn’t even impaired in any shape or form.

“Well…were boned” I said, un-mounting the gun and throwing it behind us to save weight.

“I think we should all pray” Dan said, I wasn’t sure if Dan was serious. Morality and the 21st century don’t go together.

“Fine” Mike said, his face reed with anger, he cleared his throat.

Rant inbound

“The goal of this letter is to bring about the demise of Lord Jesus E Christ's irritating sermons just as Charter 77 brought about the demise of communism in Czechoslovakia. And that's why I feel compelled to say something about wrongheaded lumpenproletariats. There is no contradiction here; even though the blatant ignorance and social maladjustment of Lord Christ's rantings will force onto us the degradation and ignominy that Lord Christ is known to revel in one of these days, you mustn't forget that when Lord Christ says that the Eleventh Commandment is, "Thou shalt wage an odd sort of warfare upon a largely unprepared and unrecognizing public", that's just a load of spucatum tauri. Still, this is a lesson for those with eyes to see. It is a lesson not so much about his disaffected behavior but about the way that at no time in the past did filthy, self-deceiving vermin shamble through the streets of cities, demanding rights they imagine some supernatural power has bestowed upon them.

Lord Christ may be sincere, but he is also sincerely salacious. At first, he just wanted to intensify or perpetuate authoritarianism. Then, he tried to promote ignominious ideologies such as absenteeism. Who knows what he'll do next? The answer I shall provide is broad, plain, and even more than sufficient. You see, if we're to effectively carry out our responsibilities and make a future for ourselves, we will first have to maintain social tranquillity. He makes a lot of exaggerated claims. All of these claims need to be scrutinized as carefully as a letter of recommendation from a job applicant's mother. Consider, for example, Lord Christ's claim that sin is good for the soul. The fact of the matter is that I recently received quite a bit of flak from the local commentariat for reporting that the pressures and stresses that his buddies undergo lead them to lead people towards iniquity and sin. The criticism I received is surprising because I was merely pointing out what is generally accepted, that Lord Christ's delitescent goal is to abet ethnic genocide, dictatorships, and the most stultiloquent pickpockets you'll ever see. The toll in human suffering and the loss of innocent lives that will ensue are clearly nonissues for him.

I'd peg the odds at about six to one that Lord Christ will drag everything that is truly great into the gutter before you know it. If I'm wrong, I promise that I'll gladly become increasingly frustrated, humiliated and angry. He is not the only one who needs to reassess his assumptions. Think about puerile widdifuls. They too should realize that I will stop at nothing to champion the force of goodness against the greed of iniquitous good-for-nothings. My resolve cannot fully be articulated, but it is unyielding. As evidence, consider that I want to thank Lord Christ for his propositions. They give me an excellent opportunity to illustrate just how postmodernist Lord Christ can be.

Lord Christ indeed believes that coercion in the name of liberty is a valid use of state power. What kind of Humpty-Dumpty world is he living in? I could give you the answer now, but it would be more productive for me first to inform you that it is naive to think that he wouldn't make a mockery of our most fundamentally held beliefs if he got the chance. If you'll forgive my parrhesia, I'd like to add that Lord Christ maintains that he is a protective bulwark against the advancing tyranny of the most manipulative hellions I've ever seen. This is complete—or at least, incomplete—baloney. For instance, Lord Christ fails to mention that it is immature and stupid of him to transform our whole society to suit his own abusive interests. It would be mature and intelligent, however, to put an end to unprofessional ageism, and that's why I say that I don't know which are worse, right-wing tyrants or left-wing tyrants. But I do know that I wish that one of the innumerable busybodies who are forever making "statistical studies" about nonsense would instead make a statistical study that means something. For example, I'd like to see a statistical study of Lord Christ's capacity to learn the obvious. Also worthwhile would be a statistical study of how many neo-cynical, brown-nosing thugs realize that Lord Christ has been known to bake us a cake of propagandism, filled with irreligionism and topped with a layer of Zendicism. That always spurs on his brethren to desecrate personal religious objects. That, in turn, encourages Lord Christ to have a serious destabilizing effect on our institutions. This cycle inevitably, inexorably ratchets upwards and outwards until at last some spiteful franion winds up causing a marked deterioration in our literature, amusements, and social conduct.

As one commentator put it, Lord Christ takes things out of context, twists them around, and then neglects to provide decent referencing so the reader can check up on him. He also ignores all of the evidence that doesn't support (or in many cases directly contradicts) his position. If he would, just once, demonstrate real and genuine concern for others, Lord Christ might begin to realize that his head is so far in rectal defilade it would require major surgery to extricate it. Once we realize that, what do we do? The appropriate thing, in my judgment, is to study the impact on society of Lord Christ's greed, stupidity, hubris, and outright corruption. I say that because he should have been placed long ago in a locked psychiatric unit. I would have committed Lord Christ to such a facility under the justification that he alleges that we can stop expansionism merely by permitting government officials entrée into private homes to search for impolitic nupsons. Naturally, this is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Now that this letter has come to an end, I hope you walk away from it realizing that one task that rests on all of our shoulders is to go placidly amid the noise and haste. All you are is an asshole who lives in the sky, jacks off, sits on his ass, and eats baby carrots all day.”

I was dog shit silent that was the most knowledgeable thing I have ever heard Mike say…ever.

Meanwhile in God’s Sky Condo

“Naturally, this is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Now that this letter has come to an end, I hope you walk away from it realizing that one task that rests on all of our shoulders is to go placidly amid the noise and haste. All you are is an asshole who lives in the sky, jacks off, sits on his ass, and eats baby carrots all day.”

God looked down at the paper; try to find the part when Michael says “Lol jk”

Only not to find it

God took off his reading glasses and stared out into the sky, he put a hand into his bowl and came out with a baby carrot, he examined it carefully, and he thought it over.

“Well played my son, well played bro”

Back to the (Dumbass) plot

I looked through the back window of the Humvee, there had to be something we could do to get out of this.

I was trying to figure out a plan to gain speed when I heard Nico curse

“Holy shit…” Nico muttered. I looked up into the sky to see a beam of light flying towards us, only then did I realize it was going towards a different form of evil.

“GOD BOMB!” Mike shouted. The lightning device struck home and gave off a massive explosion of devastating power. I was for a minute blinded by the sheer light (And awesomeness) of the bomb. Our Humvee was now flying forwards, not even on the ground but flying forward from the blast. We flipped over and I felt the armored vehicle drop to the ground, only to bounce. Once, twice, three times, for, five, six… many, many times.

Finally I felt myself being rammed into the front seats as friction caused our Humvee to grind to a halt. We were insane, or just really lucky.

Or even worse

Mike knew God loved baby carrots.

Next Chapter: Deserted Estimated time remaining: 3 Hours, 9 Minutes