“I’m sorry, can you say that again?” Shining Armor asked, making sure that his ears were clean of any wax. His wife was right next to him by the crystal throne, just as shocked by the news they had just heard. He never knew that such a contest even existed, much less a title for the winner. Hay, Shining Armor didn’t think he even signed anything that stated he was in this contest.

Yet here was the messenger pony who had just told him he was the winner of the “Best Equestrian Butt” contest that was, apparently, done every year. Well, not really it was him that had just won. But rather his butt.

“I said,” the messenger pony repeated as he read the letter from the top again. “Congratulations Prince Shining Armor, you have been selected out of every pony in Equestria, and her neighboring lands, to be this year’s winner in the “Best Equestrian Butt” contest. This grand tournament is when we, the Committee Logistics Of Plots, judge every rump of every pony in size, shape, firmness, softness, flabbiness, edginess, and overall use of it in all forms both practical and sexual.”

Shining Armor blushed along with his wife, making both wonder just how in the world did a committee managed to get those details. I’m gonna have to sweep the room for bugs and cameras... again. Stupid PMZ...

“You, Shining Armor, have the best backside in the world out of all ponies. This is a great honor as it’s been found out, long ago, that the hindquarters are the most vital part of a pony’s life. Horns, wings, hooves, and cutie marks don’t matter so much as a great buttocks. Thousands upon thousands of us never see how the backside has a special place in our society. It houses the cutie marks we are destined with, our tails display our mood and body language, we use them daily for various means, and a good rump is a the sign of a good sexual partner as well as a well carried mare for foals.”

Shining Armor couldn't help but eye Cadance’s flank without her seeing him. It was true that her... backside wasn’t as impressive as other mares. He did love her, and she as wild in the bed as the “Princess of Love” but he couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel if she put a little more weight on those cheeks. Before he could think dirty thoughts, he listened to the messenger again.

“As the winner, you will need to present yourself in Canterlot for the award ceremony. You are the first stallion to ever win this award since it’s founding over two thousand years ago.” Shining muttered the words ‘two thousand’ to himself as the messenger continued, “We hope you feel accomplished today and look forward to you, and your butt, appearing at the awards.” The messenger looked up and sighed. “That was all, sir.”

“R-right, dismissed,” Shining Armor ordered as his brain tried to process this information. He glanced at his wife who still had her mouth wide open. Shaking his head, he decided that, real or not, he wasn’t going to go out there and have his butt of all things admired in front of who knows how many wackos.

“Well, I guess we can just ignor-”

“Oh my gosh! Shining, I can’t believe you won!” Cadance shouted as she gave a girlish fan scream and hugged her stunned husband. “When I won “Best Equestrian Rump” it was the best thing in the world, but now I’m married to the only guy ever to win it! That’s even more amazing! Oh, I love you! You and that wonderful sexy rump I lick every night!”

“C-Cadance!” Shining Armor shouted as he saw the throne room guards blush and turn away. “Don’t you think you should stop talking about our sex life out loud?!”

Cadance went “pfft” and waved her hoof away. “Please, Shining. I want everypony to know that I am banging it with the stallion who has the best plot in Equestria. The other princesses are gonna be so jealous. Especially Celestia, she’s won the contest more than anypony out there so I am so gonna rub it in her face this year!”

“Princess Celestia... has won this thing?” Shining Armor asked, trying to picture the perfect sun princess with a blue ribbon on her behind.

“Yup, even Twilight won once,” Cadance announced with a smile, ignoring the mouth of Shining Armor which just fell all the way to the floor.

“... what?”

“Oh, yeah. It was three years ago. She plopped that plot around like a boss and managed to beat Spitfire by barely a margin. I had my money on Fluttershy that year, but she got outbeat by Derpy Hooves,” Cadance remenced which only made Shining feeling even more faint.

“How... how many mares know about this?!” Shining Armor shouted, leaning back and holding onto the throne for support.

“Oh, we all teach each other around the time we get into our first heat. Mothers teach daughters or sisters teach sisters, that kind of thing,” replied Cadance as if this was regular news you could find in a book. “The reason stallions are never told about this is because we never thought a male could win. Some have tried but I guess you're the first one to actually win it!” She went over and then slapped Shining Armor’s right butt cheek which made him yipe loudly. “You and that cute butt of yours. Oh! I better sent letters at once to our friends! Where is the royal scribe?!”

Cadance rushed out of the room without any hesitation as Shining Armor, whiter than usual, sat down on his apparently award winning haunches and wondered what just happened. One of the nearby crystal guards looked over at him and bowed.

“Congratulations on your victory, my Prince. May your butt triumph over all others in its endearments.”

“Shut up.”

Shining Armor had hope for the next day that this so called contest turned out to be a big prank set up by his wife. That hope soon died the moment he entered the throne room after his morning drills with the army. It was dark when he entered the room so he kept his guard up incase it was an assassination attempt. When the lights came on and everypony yelled “surprise” he wished it had been upon seeing what they were celebrating.

A banner right above said “Congratulations Best Butt Winner!”

Everypony from his sister and her friends to female officers in the army and back in his days as a Royal Guard were there. Raising cups of cider in toast while music began to play in the background. There were butt shaped balloons, cookies that represented rumps with different frosting to lick and eat, even a cake that looked exactly like his own behind with perfect detail.

“Oh, BBBFF I am so proud of you!” Twilight shouted as she leapt into his embrace and hugged him. “You’re the first stallion ever to win the contest! It’s a dream come true! Mom won it! I won it! And now you did too! We should make this a family tradition!”

“Wait, Mom?!” Shining Armor cried out as his parents walked over. His mother was showing off her own “liquid pride” while his father looked just as confused as he was yesterday. Hay, I still am in shock.

His mother walked over and kissed him on the check. “Oh, my sweet little colt. Look at you. Captain of the Guard, Prince of the Crystal Empire, and now Best Equestrian Butt.” She sighed in meloconly. “I can just remember the first time you and that little cute rump of your’s came into the world. How it was so hard to just push you out. I thought for sure I was gonna die while cursing your father into an early grave. You were quite a fat foal you know that right? And then when the doctor slapped your backside and you screamed so loud I knew you would be special.”

“Um, Mom, you actually won this thing?” Shining Armor asked in disbelief. His mother was always such a prude that he found it hard to think that she was once called Best Equestrian Butt.

A smug smile graced her lips as she shook her behind a bit. “Well, I don’t like to brag, but this caboose in the back turned some judges heads a few times. Plus, it did win over your father.”

“Umm, I’m just gonna stay quiet for this. It’s all... very new to me...” Night Light answered, blushing as his wife’s tail slapped his own rear. Apparently, his own father didn’t know what the heck was going on.

Twilight friends soon came over and began giving their own congratulations. Some of them even slapped him on the plot as if it was normal. The weirdest part was that Cadance was taking it without any hint of jealousy or rage. If any colt did that to his wife they’d get their flanks handed to them and thrown into the ocean. Is this... something the mares do all the time?

“Sure is somethin’, the first stallion to be called best flank in Equestria,” Applejack admired, giving out a small whistle. “Makes ya wonder if Big Macintosh has a shot now that we finally got a male winner.”

“Please, if any other stallion is gonna win it’s gonna be Fancy Pants,” Rarity proclaimed as a bit of drool came out of her mouth and her eyes zoned out. “That rumpalicious rectum of a rear is divine!”

Spike huffed and crossed his arms. “Mine isn’t that bad either,” he muttered.

“Are... are you sure none of you are bothered by this? I mean it is a contest where your... backsides are judged,” Shining Armor pointed out.

The mares all looked at each other and then laughed. Rainbow Dash, rubbing a tear out of her eye, said, “Shining, everypony knows that the plot of a pony is like the one part of the body that everypony looks at. We’re all running around with our butt cheeks shown and our tails raised high. We mares are used to it.” Rainbow then flew up and hoisted her own rump in pride. “After all, this package right here has sent many a ponies to their bathrooms with tissue boxes. I seriously don’t know what the judges were thinking missing this little beauty!”

“Don’t you mean booty! Gahahaha!” Pinkie Pie shouted, before falling on her back and kicking in the air.

Shining Armor raised an eyebrow. “Have... have you all won before?”

“Only, Fluttershy, Cadance, Mom, and I have ever won before. The others came close, but not close enough to deal with real backside stardom,” Twilight bragged.

“Oh, just ya’ll wait, Sugarcube.” Applejack then bumped her butt against Twilight’s. “This Apple’s butt is gonna deliver next year. We got a whole new field so were gonna be toning these muscles and plenty of sweat is gonna drive down mah cheeks and crack. It will look extra sexy!”

Rarity laughed. “Oh, Applejack. That is so last year. This year you have to have elegance with your behind.” She twirled around and shook her rump both up and down and left to right with both swiftness and grace. Spike, who was right behind Rarity, had all his purple scales turn red before fainting with an overjoyed look on his face. “Flaunting it around like a real lady, especially with clothing on, is going to make it that much more desirable. I’ll have every stallion and mare drooling by the time they see me.”

“You’re just upset because your “Mistress Rarity” act didn’t cut it this year,” Rainbow Dash commented.

Rarity huffed and turned away. “Next time, I’ll be sure to use less of the leather whip and more of the chains and electric prod.”

“I feel very unclean now,” Shining commented as his father rush over to the bar and ordered a strong drink. Oh, how he envied him. If this was any other set of mares, fine. But these were his sister’s friends! They were practically family!

“How did you win your year, Cadance?” Pinkie Pie asked with a notebook out. she had been taken notes so far. She even had a reporter fedora and trench coat with her.

“Oh that’s easy. “ Cadance smiled and said, “Shining Armor and I did it that year in my Aunt’s bed.” Everypony’s mouth dropped including Shining Armor’s who stared at his wife in disbelief. He could already feel Celestia, despite not being here, ready the guillotine as soon as he stepped hoof in Canterlot. “And then we did it in her shower, her gardens, her desk, her shrine to all things cake, her private bedroom for those nights she has guards over, and then her bed again.” They continued to stare at her as she gave a wicked smile. “I really wanted to win that year.”

“Damn...” nearly everypony said.

Shining Armor then turned to Fluttershy who was hiding behind her mane and blushing. “I find it hard to believe you even take part in this.”

“Well, my mother tried her hardest to win... and I promised her on her deathbed I would win one for her. So I kept trying but I only won by accident,” Fluttershy commented as she pawed her hoof on the floor.

“How?”

“Well...” she was blushing even more “... my bathroom was out of commission for awhile... so I had... to use the woods.”

...

...

...

“Apparently the judges were into it that year.”

“What kind of... sick, twisted judges are these?” Shining Armor demanded as he began to wonder if he would feel the same using a toilet or anything related to his butt again. Even sitting now seemed to be scary.

Twilight shrugged. “Nopony knows really knows. There is a group of ponies who are in charge of the award ceremony and set up, but they aren’t the real judges. Most say that it’s some kind of group of pony lovers from another dimension who use magical screens to watch us. They then send their avatars that look like ponies, but are really soulless creations with very one dimensional personalities that they control using something called ‘Orbital Control’. Although I personally think that’s just silly. It’s probably some group from the original Equestria founding who made this. Who would believe it otherwise?”

“I believe it!” Pinkie Pie shouted.

“Of course you do.”

Shining shook his head. “Whatever, I guess I’ll just have to go to Canterlot and get this award from whoever, huh? It’s not like I’m expected to show my rear to everypony in the audience with some sort of act right?”

There was an awkward silence as everypony nervously looked away.

“Oh, horseapples,” muttered Shining Armor as he went to go join his father at the bar

Author's Notes:

No, I wasn't drunk when I made this. Or high. I just decided "fuck it! Let's write random butt stuff!" and this is the result. I don't think this will get popular XP