Plot 1

“I’m sorry, can you say that again?” Shining Armor asked, making sure that his ears were clean of any wax. His wife was right next to him by the crystal throne, just as shocked by the news they had just heard. He never knew that such a contest even existed, much less a title for the winner. Hay, Shining Armor didn’t think he even signed anything that stated he was in this contest.

Yet here was the messenger pony who had just told him he was the winner of the “Best Equestrian Butt” contest that was, apparently, done every year. Well, not really it was him that had just won. But rather his butt.

“I said,” the messenger pony repeated as he read the letter from the top again. “Congratulations Prince Shining Armor, you have been selected out of every pony in Equestria, and her neighboring lands, to be this year’s winner in the “Best Equestrian Butt” contest. This grand tournament is when we, the Committee Logistics Of Plots, judge every rump of every pony in size, shape, firmness, softness, flabbiness, edginess, and overall use of it in all forms both practical and sexual.”

Shining Armor blushed along with his wife, making both wonder just how in the world did a committee managed to get those details. I’m gonna have to sweep the room for bugs and cameras... again. Stupid PMZ...

“You, Shining Armor, have the best backside in the world out of all ponies. This is a great honor as it’s been found out, long ago, that the hindquarters are the most vital part of a pony’s life. Horns, wings, hooves, and cutie marks don’t matter so much as a great buttocks. Thousands upon thousands of us never see how the backside has a special place in our society. It houses the cutie marks we are destined with, our tails display our mood and body language, we use them daily for various means, and a good rump is a the sign of a good sexual partner as well as a well carried mare for foals.”

Shining Armor couldn't help but eye Cadance’s flank without her seeing him. It was true that her... backside wasn’t as impressive as other mares. He did love her, and she as wild in the bed as the “Princess of Love” but he couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel if she put a little more weight on those cheeks. Before he could think dirty thoughts, he listened to the messenger again.

“As the winner, you will need to present yourself in Canterlot for the award ceremony. You are the first stallion to ever win this award since it’s founding over two thousand years ago.” Shining muttered the words ‘two thousand’ to himself as the messenger continued, “We hope you feel accomplished today and look forward to you, and your butt, appearing at the awards.” The messenger looked up and sighed. “That was all, sir.”

“R-right, dismissed,” Shining Armor ordered as his brain tried to process this information. He glanced at his wife who still had her mouth wide open. Shaking his head, he decided that, real or not, he wasn’t going to go out there and have his butt of all things admired in front of who knows how many wackos.

“Well, I guess we can just ignor-”

“Oh my gosh! Shining, I can’t believe you won!” Cadance shouted as she gave a girlish fan scream and hugged her stunned husband. “When I won “Best Equestrian Rump” it was the best thing in the world, but now I’m married to the only guy ever to win it! That’s even more amazing! Oh, I love you! You and that wonderful sexy rump I lick every night!”

“C-Cadance!” Shining Armor shouted as he saw the throne room guards blush and turn away. “Don’t you think you should stop talking about our sex life out loud?!”

Cadance went “pfft” and waved her hoof away. “Please, Shining. I want everypony to know that I am banging it with the stallion who has the best plot in Equestria. The other princesses are gonna be so jealous. Especially Celestia, she’s won the contest more than anypony out there so I am so gonna rub it in her face this year!”

“Princess Celestia... has won this thing?” Shining Armor asked, trying to picture the perfect sun princess with a blue ribbon on her behind.

“Yup, even Twilight won once,” Cadance announced with a smile, ignoring the mouth of Shining Armor which just fell all the way to the floor.

“... what?”

“Oh, yeah. It was three years ago. She plopped that plot around like a boss and managed to beat Spitfire by barely a margin. I had my money on Fluttershy that year, but she got outbeat by Derpy Hooves,” Cadance remenced which only made Shining feeling even more faint.

“How... how many mares know about this?!” Shining Armor shouted, leaning back and holding onto the throne for support.

“Oh, we all teach each other around the time we get into our first heat. Mothers teach daughters or sisters teach sisters, that kind of thing,” replied Cadance as if this was regular news you could find in a book. “The reason stallions are never told about this is because we never thought a male could win. Some have tried but I guess you're the first one to actually win it!” She went over and then slapped Shining Armor’s right butt cheek which made him yipe loudly. “You and that cute butt of yours. Oh! I better sent letters at once to our friends! Where is the royal scribe?!”

Cadance rushed out of the room without any hesitation as Shining Armor, whiter than usual, sat down on his apparently award winning haunches and wondered what just happened. One of the nearby crystal guards looked over at him and bowed.

“Congratulations on your victory, my Prince. May your butt triumph over all others in its endearments.”

“Shut up.”

Shining Armor had hope for the next day that this so called contest turned out to be a big prank set up by his wife. That hope soon died the moment he entered the throne room after his morning drills with the army. It was dark when he entered the room so he kept his guard up incase it was an assassination attempt. When the lights came on and everypony yelled “surprise” he wished it had been upon seeing what they were celebrating.

A banner right above said “Congratulations Best Butt Winner!”

Everypony from his sister and her friends to female officers in the army and back in his days as a Royal Guard were there. Raising cups of cider in toast while music began to play in the background. There were butt shaped balloons, cookies that represented rumps with different frosting to lick and eat, even a cake that looked exactly like his own behind with perfect detail.

“Oh, BBBFF I am so proud of you!” Twilight shouted as she leapt into his embrace and hugged him. “You’re the first stallion ever to win the contest! It’s a dream come true! Mom won it! I won it! And now you did too! We should make this a family tradition!”

“Wait, Mom?!” Shining Armor cried out as his parents walked over. His mother was showing off her own “liquid pride” while his father looked just as confused as he was yesterday. Hay, I still am in shock.

His mother walked over and kissed him on the check. “Oh, my sweet little colt. Look at you. Captain of the Guard, Prince of the Crystal Empire, and now Best Equestrian Butt.” She sighed in meloconly. “I can just remember the first time you and that little cute rump of your’s came into the world. How it was so hard to just push you out. I thought for sure I was gonna die while cursing your father into an early grave. You were quite a fat foal you know that right? And then when the doctor slapped your backside and you screamed so loud I knew you would be special.”

“Um, Mom, you actually won this thing?” Shining Armor asked in disbelief. His mother was always such a prude that he found it hard to think that she was once called Best Equestrian Butt.

A smug smile graced her lips as she shook her behind a bit. “Well, I don’t like to brag, but this caboose in the back turned some judges heads a few times. Plus, it did win over your father.”

“Umm, I’m just gonna stay quiet for this. It’s all... very new to me...” Night Light answered, blushing as his wife’s tail slapped his own rear. Apparently, his own father didn’t know what the heck was going on.

Twilight friends soon came over and began giving their own congratulations. Some of them even slapped him on the plot as if it was normal. The weirdest part was that Cadance was taking it without any hint of jealousy or rage. If any colt did that to his wife they’d get their flanks handed to them and thrown into the ocean. Is this... something the mares do all the time?

“Sure is somethin’, the first stallion to be called best flank in Equestria,” Applejack admired, giving out a small whistle. “Makes ya wonder if Big Macintosh has a shot now that we finally got a male winner.”

“Please, if any other stallion is gonna win it’s gonna be Fancy Pants,” Rarity proclaimed as a bit of drool came out of her mouth and her eyes zoned out. “That rumpalicious rectum of a rear is divine!”

Spike huffed and crossed his arms. “Mine isn’t that bad either,” he muttered.

“Are... are you sure none of you are bothered by this? I mean it is a contest where your... backsides are judged,” Shining Armor pointed out.

The mares all looked at each other and then laughed. Rainbow Dash, rubbing a tear out of her eye, said, “Shining, everypony knows that the plot of a pony is like the one part of the body that everypony looks at. We’re all running around with our butt cheeks shown and our tails raised high. We mares are used to it.” Rainbow then flew up and hoisted her own rump in pride. “After all, this package right here has sent many a ponies to their bathrooms with tissue boxes. I seriously don’t know what the judges were thinking missing this little beauty!”

“Don’t you mean booty! Gahahaha!” Pinkie Pie shouted, before falling on her back and kicking in the air.

Shining Armor raised an eyebrow. “Have... have you all won before?”

“Only, Fluttershy, Cadance, Mom, and I have ever won before. The others came close, but not close enough to deal with real backside stardom,” Twilight bragged.

“Oh, just ya’ll wait, Sugarcube.” Applejack then bumped her butt against Twilight’s. “This Apple’s butt is gonna deliver next year. We got a whole new field so were gonna be toning these muscles and plenty of sweat is gonna drive down mah cheeks and crack. It will look extra sexy!”

Rarity laughed. “Oh, Applejack. That is so last year. This year you have to have elegance with your behind.” She twirled around and shook her rump both up and down and left to right with both swiftness and grace. Spike, who was right behind Rarity, had all his purple scales turn red before fainting with an overjoyed look on his face. “Flaunting it around like a real lady, especially with clothing on, is going to make it that much more desirable. I’ll have every stallion and mare drooling by the time they see me.”

“You’re just upset because your “Mistress Rarity” act didn’t cut it this year,” Rainbow Dash commented.

Rarity huffed and turned away. “Next time, I’ll be sure to use less of the leather whip and more of the chains and electric prod.”

“I feel very unclean now,” Shining commented as his father rush over to the bar and ordered a strong drink. Oh, how he envied him. If this was any other set of mares, fine. But these were his sister’s friends! They were practically family!

“How did you win your year, Cadance?” Pinkie Pie asked with a notebook out. she had been taken notes so far. She even had a reporter fedora and trench coat with her.

“Oh that’s easy. “ Cadance smiled and said, “Shining Armor and I did it that year in my Aunt’s bed.” Everypony’s mouth dropped including Shining Armor’s who stared at his wife in disbelief. He could already feel Celestia, despite not being here, ready the guillotine as soon as he stepped hoof in Canterlot. “And then we did it in her shower, her gardens, her desk, her shrine to all things cake, her private bedroom for those nights she has guards over, and then her bed again.” They continued to stare at her as she gave a wicked smile. “I really wanted to win that year.”

“Damn...” nearly everypony said.

Shining Armor then turned to Fluttershy who was hiding behind her mane and blushing. “I find it hard to believe you even take part in this.”

“Well, my mother tried her hardest to win... and I promised her on her deathbed I would win one for her. So I kept trying but I only won by accident,” Fluttershy commented as she pawed her hoof on the floor.

“How?”

“Well...” she was blushing even more “... my bathroom was out of commission for awhile... so I had... to use the woods.”

...

...

...

“Apparently the judges were into it that year.”

“What kind of... sick, twisted judges are these?” Shining Armor demanded as he began to wonder if he would feel the same using a toilet or anything related to his butt again. Even sitting now seemed to be scary.

Twilight shrugged. “Nopony knows really knows. There is a group of ponies who are in charge of the award ceremony and set up, but they aren’t the real judges. Most say that it’s some kind of group of pony lovers from another dimension who use magical screens to watch us. They then send their avatars that look like ponies, but are really soulless creations with very one dimensional personalities that they control using something called ‘Orbital Control’. Although I personally think that’s just silly. It’s probably some group from the original Equestria founding who made this. Who would believe it otherwise?”

“I believe it!” Pinkie Pie shouted.

“Of course you do.”

Shining shook his head. “Whatever, I guess I’ll just have to go to Canterlot and get this award from whoever, huh? It’s not like I’m expected to show my rear to everypony in the audience with some sort of act right?”

There was an awkward silence as everypony nervously looked away.

“Oh, horseapples,” muttered Shining Armor as he went to go join his father at the bar

Author's Notes:

No, I wasn't drunk when I made this. Or high. I just decided "fuck it! Let's write random butt stuff!" and this is the result. I don't think this will get popular XP

Plot 2

Shining was no pushover. He would always prove that wrong to whoever said that. He was a former Captain of the Guard and still held the most recorded wins in practice duels back at his former academy. He faced bandits, changelings, and even an undead dark tyrant. He was not, in any shape or form, a pushover.

Which is why it was embarrassing to have an entire platoon of guards protecting him. Or more accurately: his royal behind. Sighing, he turned to his wife who was waving to a few Canterlot foals and said, “Do you really think I need all this protection? I’ve got fast enough reflexes to make a shield if there is any danger.”

“Honey, I know it’s a bit embarrassing, but this is all for your protection,” answered Cadance, nonchalantly.

Shining Armor glared behind him. Flanking him was a unicorn guard on each end of his buttcheeks while another, a pegasi, flew just above his tail. This wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for the heavy armored earth pony lowering his head just inches away from his crack. “Do you really have to be that close? It feels like you're ready to sniff my behind like a dog.”

“Princess Celestia’s orders, sir. If it helps, it smells nice and orangey.”

“That would be thanks to the spa sisters I hired,” proclaimed Cadance with a proud tone in her voice. “Lotus and Aloe were very eager for that job.”

“A little too eager if you ask me,” muttered Shining Armor, who still felt too uncomfortably clean in places better not mentioned.

Soon enough they made it to the royal palace where Princess Celestia, Twilight, her friends, and his family were all waiting. After a few greetings, Celestia guided everypony inside where, thankfully, the guards protecting Shining’s rump were dismissed. Female servants and guards all cheered and stomped their hooves as Shining Armor passed them, much to the confusion of some males. By the time they reached the throne room, Celestia turned and smiled at the contest winner.

“Shining Armor, allow me, a former champion myself, to congratulate you as this year’s Best Equestrian Butt. You are the first male to ever win this contest and it is a huge honor. How do you feel?”

“Well... it’s still all a shock to me,” said Shining Armor, nervously.

“Well, tonight you will present your winning rump to an entire stadium of mares who all want to see you. It will be a historical event and we can’t wait to see your performance.”

Shining Armor’s eyes lit up. “P-performance?”

“Oh yes,” said Twilight. “every winner has to do a performance with their backside. Sometimes the winner does a dance, other times they perform something sexual. Even just sitting down and scooting on your rear end is permitted. As long as it features your backside being used, anything is acceptable.”

“I happen to remember my first performance,” sighed Twilight Velvet. “I was taking martial arts at the time and wanted to show my mastery of Jeet Plot Do. I broke boards and concrete with my little tush.” Velvet rubbed her backside and gave her cutie mark a kiss which made Shining Armor and Night Light blush for different reasons.

“There are martial arts styles for using your rear?” asked Shining Armor, feeling his head spinning.

“Oh yes, I happen to have mastered three of them myself,” said Princess Celestia. “There is Tail Kwan Do, Rump Fu, and Buttjutsu. Only one mare ever mastered all the styles, including the ever difficult Tushy Thai. What was her name again?”

“Derpy Hooves,” answered Rainbow Dash, wincing as she rubbed her neck. “And trust me, they don’t call her the Iron Backside of Death for nothing.”

Sweat started to drip down Shining Armor’s neck. He didn’t have an act, If this contest really was so important then as the first male winner they likely expected something really special. “Uh, just hypothetically, what if the performance is bad?”

“Oh, then that pony is taken by a mob, and hit across her backside with thorny whips until she falls unconscious. Then everypony in the stadium uses her as a bathroom before finally shoving a large stick up her butt that she is forced to wear in her hiney for the rest of her days in shame. That only ever happened a few times in history and their names shall not be mentioned for they were dead to us long before they all killed themselves in grief months after failing,” answered Cadance with a smile. “Why do you ask?”

“...No reason,” whimpered Shining Armor who was wondering how the Badlands were like this time of year.

“Well, before we head to the stadium, we have to make sure you’re in perfect health. Nurse Redheart will be examining your backside to make sure it’s well,” said Princess Celestia just as Nurse Redheart entered the room.

“I’m ready to give the patient his examination,” said Nurse Redheart with a sweet smile.

“Ah, good. You can use our Hospital Wing. We’ll see you soon, Shining Armor,” said Princess Celestia as they all left one by one.

Night Light and Spike, however, walked over to their fellow male and patted him on the shoulders. “Son, I just want you to know that if anything happens to you... at least you died living some stallion’s sick twisted fantasy.”

“Gee, thanks Dad. I love you too,” muttered Shining Armor.

“Hey, at least you’ll have a thousand screaming and squealing mares looking at your butt. Think of yourself as one of the Beatles, only not as cool, musically talented, or a Trottingham accent,” said Spike, rubbing his chin. “Of course if you fail to entertain those same mares they are gonna destroy you in every embarrassing way there is for a living being. So no pressure.”

“Spike, if I live through this I want my comic books back,” muttered Shining Armor as he followed Nurse Redheart.

“Noooo! At least let me keep Spider-mare!”

Shining Armor wondered how in Equestria would Celestia manage to keep every stallion outside of a single stadium while every mare attended. His answer was in the forum of a large sign outside that said “Shoe Sale 50% Off!”

Clever.

Guided into the stadium by guards, Shining Armor peeked outside the curtain entrance leading to a stage in the middle of the stadium. The entire place was packed with mares chatting to one another while waiting for the winner to arrive. The stadium itself was decorated like any normal event hosted in Canterlot, only it was butt themed much to Shining’s non-surprise. There were statues of previous winners all in luscious positions that made it difficult for little Shining to stay put and hidden. Thankfully, that little trouble ended when he saw his mother’s statue and nearly lost his lunch.

Banners of his cutie mark and a full orchestra were set up alongside a red carpet that Shining would have to walk out on. Gulping, he tried to figure out an escape plan before Cadance rushed over to him with a worried look. “Thank goodness! Where were you? You’re okay, right? You were with Nurse Redheart for almost an hour!”

“She wanted to be... very thorough,” muttered Shining Armor wincing at the memory of his... appointment with the nurse.

“Was it that bad?” asked Cadance, raising an eyebrow.

“Well...”

Shining Armor entered the familiar, and abandoned, hospital wing where he took off his uniform. “So what is this gonna be? Standard health check? Do I need to pee in a cup?”

“Bend your knees, raise your rump, and touch the floor with your nose.”

“Wha?” Shining Armor turned around only to almost nearly faint at the carriage sized shot that the nurse had in her hooves while giving him a look that said “dominatrix”.

“I’m gonna show you where the wild goose goes.”

“... She’s passionate about her job, I’ll say that.”

Cadance shrugged, “Whatever, now let’s go! It’s time for your big moment!”

Before Shining Armor could say anything, his wife grabbed him with her magic and tossed him head first out of the curtains and onto the red carpet. The orchestra saw him and began to play a cheerful and celebratory tune. Naturally, he landed on his stomach while his flank was raised in the air. The crowd went wild as they saw him, some of the mares already cat-calling him as they began to take photos of the butt raised prince.

Apparently, the universe was clear in its determination to shred Shining Armor of every last inch of his dignity. Raising himself back on all fours, Shining Armor nervous trotted forward while occasionally waving towards the crowd that continued to applaud him.

“We love you, Shining Armor!”

“Your butt is sexy as buck!”

“Shake that plot over here! Mama needs her sugar!”

“That’s my brother! Big Brother Best Butt Forever!”

“And I gave birth to that Best Butt!”

Kill me now, thought Shining Armor, debating whether he would rather take being mind controlled by the changeling queen over this.

Finally, he reached the end of the carpet and climbed up the stairs where Princess Celestia, dressed in royal garbs, stood next to a few ponies that had to be the avatars of the judgers that Twilight told him about. And they were quite strange looking ponies as well. Why do some of them look like alicorns? Or bat ponies? Or multi-colored dragon and pony hybrids with angel wings and griffin talons? Hay, some of them even look like my sister and her friends but different colors! What the hay are these freaks?!

Shining Armor’s thoughts were interrupted when Celestia spoke, “Mares of Equestria! Thank you, one and all, for coming to this year’s celebration for this year’s Best Equestrian Butt Award Ceremony!”

Another series of cheers went out.

“As you all know, the backside is our most prized body part and it on this day that we honor it and all the uses we have for it,” said Celestia. “For nearly fifteen hundred years we have always had mares as winners of this contest in the name of the plot. Now, for the first time in history, do we have a male winner among us.” Celestia raised her hoof over Shining Armor. “I present to you your winner, Prince Shining Armor!”

The cheers were even louder as some began shouting his name. Shining Armor faked a smile and waved. I didn’t even have this many ponies at my wedding...

“Now, as is tradition, Shining Armor shall now perform for us in order to show why his butt, out of all butts, is the best in the land!” shouted Celestia.

Shining Armor’s eyes widen. Oh horseapples! I forgot about that! I got nothing! I’m screwed! They’re gonna put a stick up my butt and ruin me!

The entire stadium went quiet as Celestia and the avatars got off stage and left Shining Armor all alone by himself. Stared at by thousands of mares awaiting the performance that he did not have.

The terrified prince turned around and gulped as whispers began to spread across the stadium. This isn’t good. Think of something! It has to involve your butt in some way. Shake it around like a dancer? No, too obvious. Slam it up and down on the ground in a rhythmic beat? Forget it, I got no musical talent. Scoot on it around the ground like a dog? Make that plan B. Oh dammit, I’m so nervous I’m itching everywhere!

Shining Armor, unable to stand still, scratched the itch on his rump with his hoof which made the audience gasp. He froze, wondering what he did until he scratched it again.

“Ooooo!” went the audience.

“No... it couldn’t be that easy...” Shining muttered to himself in disbelief. Curious, he turned around so that his hindquarters was more viewed by others. He scratched it again, and this made the audience stomp their hooves in approval.

Smiling he then started to scratch all over his rump, this time with both hooves. The mares in the audience went wild as they stomped even harder. Shining took it a step further as he began to shake his rump back and forth, flicking his tail every so often while slowly scratching his cheeks up and down, side by side.

Mares fainted in droves as some even threw bras and panties at the stage despite none of them even wearing clothes. Cadance, up in the audience, had to be held back by security just so she didn’t jump her husband and break in that rump right there and then. Shining Armor was about to continue when suddenly...

Zap!

“Yeow!” shouted Shining Armor as a blast of magic burned the right side of his rump and left a mark.

In a split second, the audience gasped before crying out in outrage. Somepony had dared to attack their contest winner and in the middle of a good performance too. Names were shouted, blood was demanded be spilt, a riot looked ready to happen. Up in the audience, Twilight, eyes and horn glowing, was scanning the area for the attacker. “Who dares hurt my brother! Come out and face me coward!”

Cadance flew right to her husband’s aid while Celestia, fury in her eyes, flew down and landed in front of Shining Armor, protecting him like a shield. Cadance landed next to Shining, who was rubbing his poor burned butt with tears in his eyes, and cried out, “Shining! Are you okay! How is your butt!”

“Sore... but it was nothing. Just a small blast,” said Shining Armor, wincing. Cadance’s reaction was to lean down and kiss the burn mark, making the stallion blush.

“Don’t worry, my love. Cadance will make sure your tushie is never harmed again!” Cadance kissed her beloved before turning to Celestia, growling.

“Auntie! I want who ever did this dead! You hear me! DEAD!”

Celestia, using her Royal Canterlot Voice, shouted, “Who dare attack our winner of our sacred contest! Step forward and face me like a real pony, coward!”

“Need not worry, Sister! For here I am!”

Everypony gasped at once, even Shining Armor was in disbelief when he saw who it was that shot him as she landed in front of Celestia. Her face was full of determination and yet also rage. “P-princess Luna?”

Celestia soon collected herself and glared at her sister. “Luna, explain yourself.”

“I do not approve of a stallion being the winner of our beloved contest. As a former champion, I hereby declare that this so called winner should not even be here! Our traditions have always stated that a mare should be the winner, and yet are we to go back on our ways? Whose butt shall we judge next? Dragons? Griffins? Changelings? Foals? Breezies? Windgos? Open one door and more shall come! I will not allow this to go unchallenged! I hereby challenge Prince Shining Armor to a Rump Off!”

Author's Notes:

We're not at the end yet! More plot to go!

Plot 3

“Oh no! Not a Rump Off! Anything but a Rump Off! I can’t believe this is happening! Shining Armor is doomed! Doomed I tell you!” shouted Spike in a panic. Five seconds were allowed to pass before he turned to Twilight. “Hey, what’s a Rump Off?”

Twilight, still stunned like the rest of the crowd, looked at her number one assistant with disbelief. “Spike, didn’t you pay attention to the crash course covering the competitions history I gave you?”

“Uhhh, yeah I did. I just don’t remember all of it!” lied Spike, rubbing the back of his neck. In truth, he had only agreed to the history lesson so he could check out research all the included “images.”

“A Rump Off can only be declared by a pony who has been judged as Best Butt three times in their life. When they do so, it’s pretty much saying they find the winner unsuitable for the honor and thus challenge them for the title. The trials can be anything and everything as long as a rump is involved. During the two thousand years since its founding, only eleven Rump Offs have been declared.”

“Woah, so Shining Armor’s gonna go butt to butt with Princess Luna? Geez.”

Shining Armor didn’t even think it was possible to have an entire stadium this quiet. After what had to have been twenty minutes of silence, Celesia cleared her throat. “Sister, you honestly wish to have a Rump Off? As a four time winner of Equestria’s Best Butt, it is your right, but are you sure?”

“I am serious, Celestia, but it will not just be a Rump Off, but a Free for all Rump Off!” answered Luna with a joyful cry.

Again the crowd gasped, but this time it was followed by a loud yell of excitement. Mares jumped in the air and shouted in unison. “Free for all! Free for all! Free for all!” Some were already glaring at each other or shoving their plots in each other’s faces, shouting about who was more prepared than the rest. Celestia and Cadance glared at Luna who was smirking upon seeing such excitement and demand.

“Why not just make it a one on one fight, Aunty Luna?” demanded Cadance. “Why have Shining Armor go against all these odds?!”

“I do not care if I lose the Rump Off, but I will not see a non-mare win this contest. Tradition must be upheld!” shouted Luna, stomping her hoof. “Should Shining Armor manage to beat the odds and win then I shall apologize and accept him as our winner. As well as any other male who joins the ranks in the coming years.”

“Hey, wait! I didn’t agree to any of this!” shouted Shining Armor, waving his hooves. “What’s a Rump Off? And what do you mean free for all?

Celestia sighed. “I apologize, Shining Armor. But Luna has declared that you are unfit to be champion. So she has declared a competition where you and every mare in this stadium will compete against each other to be the true champion. If the judges decide to allow this...”

“Which they do...” said what appeared to be male version of his sister but with snake like eyes and angel wings.

Seriously, who makes these OC freaks? thought Shining Armor.

“... then they will decided the contest that we must all compete in. Even your wife and I,” finished Celestia.

“Wait, so I have to fight Cadance?” asked Shining Armor, who looked to the Princess of Love. She was doing her best to look away, but when she looked at him she couldn’t help but give a nervous smile. “Don’t tell me you want to do this?!”

“But Shinnnyyy!” pouted Cadance, holding his right forehoof like a child. “I want to pound everypony’s flank into the moon and win! I love you and all, but tradition....”

“What if I just forfeit?! Let whoever else take the contest?!” shouted Shining Armor, gulping at the thought of his overly excited wife who seemed to be... too much into this best butt thing.

“That’s not possible, I’m afraid,” said Celestia. “Both you and Luna are required to be in the contest. The rest of us are voluntary, but by the looks of things, many ponies wish to enter your anus.”

Shining Armor turned to the crowd and it slowly dawned on him what she really meant. Already small fights were occurring in various locations around the stadium. Mares were tearing each other’s mane’s off or outright punching each other’s face. To his shock, his mother was twirling around, pressing her butt cheeks against attacking mares and launching them into the air. All while his father cowardly positioned himself in a fetal position.

Even his sister’s friends weren’t immune to the raging fires of female dominance, as Rainbow Dash was currently crushing Applejack’s face between the pavement and her butt. Fluttershy and Rarity were ripping each other’s tails apart while trying to force the other into a chokehold. The only ones who weren’t affected were Pinkie Pie, who was eating popcorn, and Twilight, who was too busy putting a shield spell over her and Spike to protect them.

“I have to face.... all these mares... alone?” asked Shining Armor. All these dangerous, butt obsessed, hyperactive, crazy mares?!

Yup, he was officially doomed.

That night, Shining Armor couldn’t help but stare at the ceiling in the room Celestia had provided for him. In three days time, he was going to go up against every mare in Equestria for the rights to some shameless and stupid title about having the best butt in the nation.

With the insanity he had been through, he wondered if they even needed a Spirit of Chaos at all. To make it even worse, every princesses, his own family, and their friends would be competing as well. Even his own wife was entering the competition! Shining Armor would say he was a good fighter sure, damn good in fact, but he wasn't invincible. Add the fact that he knew no butt martial arts styles made him good as gone in the first minute.

As if sensing his distress, Cadance wrapped her arm around him and slowly kissed his cheek. “What’s wrong, Shiny? Worried about the Rump Off?”

Shining Armor sighed. “Yeah. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t. I don’t want to do it! I never even wanted to win! Now I’m just afraid of getting my butt put into a coma.”

“Aw, Shiny. Don’t think like that. I’m sure you’ll be fine. After all, besides Aunty Luna’s incredibly rude interruption, you were the winner of the Equestrian Best Butt!” said Cadance with a smile. She soon got on top of him and licked her lips while nuzzling Shining’s nose. “And besides, everypony else might be against you, but I’m not. I’m going to make sure it’s the two of us in the end. After that? Well, we’ll have to go against each other, but either way I’ll make sure not a single part of your tush gets harmed.”

“Cadance...” whispered Shining Armor, before leaning up and kissing her. “What did I ever do to deserve you.”

Cadance grinned. “Let me show you with some best butt ‘training’, hmm?”

Without waiting for a response, she dive right into his mouth. Cadance’s hooves slowly dripped down from his sides to his flanks where she rubbed his cutie marks, making him moan. Licking his ear, she then muttered, “For the next three days and nights your backside is mine.”

“I think this is training I’m gonna like,” whispered Shining Armor as he was turned over on his stomach and felt Cadance lay down on him, positioning herself over him as if their genders had been reversed and she was the dominant male.

Shining Armor sighed and slowly raised his rump... only to suddenly be bucked off the bed and into a wall without warning. He peeled himself off and shook away the stars spinning around his head, he turned around and stammered, “C-Cadance?!”

“That’s Training Sergeant Cadenza to you, maggot!” shouted Cadance, now dressed up as a drill sergeant, bringing back memories of Shining Armor’s boot camp days. “I’m going to put you through hell, private! I will make your butt the most lean, mean, gluteal-muscle-using machine! Now drop on you backside and give me butt ups!”

“Butt ups? Don’t you mean Pu-ow!" shouted Shining Armor as he felt a whip smack his cutie mark on the right flank.

Lifting her whip menacingly, Cadance growled and shouted with the Royal Canterlot Voice, “NOW! OR I WILL BREAK YOUR FLANK AND MAKE YOU CRAP OUT OF YOUR NOSE!”

Without wasting anymore time, Shining Armor got on his butt and held his rear legs up as he flexed his rear muscles to push him up and down. “One, two, three, four...”

“Don’t get too comfortable, maggot! We've got plenty of more training for the next three days!”

What have I gotten myself into...

“Beat that sandbag! Left cheek! Right cheek!” shouted Cadance as Shining Armor, rear facing a sandbag, swerved a bit before bumping it with his left butt side. “Imagine the enemy coming right for you! Your butt must be iron! Your tail lightning! Your haunches shields!”

All Shining Armor felt like was being the butt, literally, of a great big joke. He had been pounding the sandbag with his rump for over three hours and all he had were rashes. Collapsing onto the floor, he turned to Cadance and said, “This is ridiculous. How can smacking this make me stronger?”

Cadance raised an eyebrow before calming walking towards the sandbag. She pressed it with her hoof for a bit before turning around to face it with her own rump. Shining Armor only had a second to blink before he saw his wife raise her backside and slam it into the sandbag so fast it was like watching an arrow fired from a crossbow. Even more amazing was the fact that, upon impact, the sandbag ripped in half!

Shining Armor, who had mastered six martial arts himself, felt his black belts all burn in shame at the display. “How... how...”

“Told ya,” said Cadance, with a smirk. “The butt must be iron.”

“Okay, Cadance! I think I’ve had enough! EEP!” shouted Shining Armor, running along the fields outside of Canterlot with a blindfold on. Behind him were dozens of arrows piecing the grass, all of which had barely missed their prime target.

Up above, Cadance, riding a chariot pulled by their own personal guards, was readying another arrow. Aiming her bow, Cadance cried out, “Just another five miles and we can stop, honey!”

“I swear, Cadance, if this contest doesn’t kill me, you will! OW!”

Cadance, in a meditative stance, breathed in and out as she cleared her mind of all thoughts. Placed right beneath where she was sitting was a bed of needles, that were on fire, surrounded by cobras, that were slithering near her behind because she had coated them with a special tonic that attracted them. Yet she was able to stay calm and uninjured thanks to perfect meditation. One could not control their body if they could not control their butt?

“How are you doing, Shining? Have you found your inner rear?”

There was no response.

Cadence turned around and opened her eyes. “Honey are you... you... uhh...” Sweat began to drip down her brow. “Sh-Shining? Are you alive?”

“... kill me...”

“Right... I think that’s enough training. Somepony get a doctor!”

After three days of being through hell training for the Rump Off, Shining Armor stood among his wife and Princess Celestia back on the stage in the arena he had once been praised. Now all the mares were sizing him up, looking like he was fresh meat for the kill. I’m starting to think death from cobra venom would be a better fate then this.

“Don’t worry, Shining. We just need to stick to the plan,” whispered his wife, who was smiling at him nervously. “You are going to be the most powerful butt out there I promise. I’m sure the... err… training helped you somewhat."

“We’re still sleeping in separate beds for a month after this,” said Shining Armor, deadpan. Cadence grumbled a bit and turned her attention towards the returning judges.

“Hey, mind if I hang out with you guys?” asked Spike, appearing from behind them and hopping onto Shining’s back.

“Spike? What are you doing here?” asked Shining, turning to the little dragon. “Shouldn’t you be with Twilley?”

“Well, I was... but Twilight and the girls decided that they were gonna team up for this Rump Off and Pinkie suggested that they go for a theme...”

“A theme?” asked Shining Armor and Cadence at the same time. Before they could ask further an explosion of multiple colors, went off at the top of the stadium, catching everypony’s attention.

They all turned around as a catchy and heroic, pop-like song started to play. Smoke from the explosions slowly faded away, revealing six figures struck in kung-fu-like poses. When it was clear, all Shining Armor could do was stare at Twilight and her friends, who were wearing different colored spandex with their cutie marks in the center of their chest. What really sold the whole “Sentai” theme was the biker-like helmets with black visors.

The purple one, in the middle, was the first to move, boldly standing up for all to see. “The rear that sparkles as a beacon of hope! Purple Posterior Ranger!” she shouted, showing off her curvy backside thanks to the spandex.

“Flying wth awesomeness and sexyness! Blue Buttocks Ranger!” cried out the blue ranger with a familiar rainbow mane poking out of the helmet. She turned around, hovering in the air, and wagged her plot around.

“Graceful. Elegant. And with perfect posture at her back end!” The silver ranger twirled around before striking a pose like a ballerina. “Silver Stern Ranger!”

The pink ranger was actually jumping on her butt as she shouted, “A jiggly booty with a happy big heart!” She stopped, turned around and smacked her backside. “Pink Plot Ranger!”

The gold looking one, naturally, was nervously looking around, like she was ready to jump up and fly away. “Um, a really cute b-b-b-butt that... s-shares it all-l-l around...” She ‘eeped’ and turned around, hindquarters raised high with her tail out of the way. It was only with luck that she had yellow spandex on to cover anything hidden. “G-Gold Glutes Ranger!”

And finally, the red one-reared back and gave a loud cry. “With legs as strong as the earth, and a rump as fierce as they come! Red Rump Ranger!”

With their ranger names called out, the six jumped up and flipped in the air before landing not two far from the stage. They turned around as Purple Posterior Ranger stepped forward. “We six mares of six butts shall bring justice to all evil!

They all posed one more time as they shouted together, “Backside Sentai Team of Love! Butt Rangers!” before another set of multiple colored explosions appeared behind them.

The entire crowd was silent as they stared at the six who still kept in their pose until a voice cried out. “I thought Applejack was orange!”

Red Rump Ranger nearly face planted before glaring at Silver Stern Ranger. “Ah told ya ponies would notice!”

“Well, when you find a name that starts with O and is used as synonym for butt, then we’ll talk!”

Shining Armor lowered his head in disbelief as he felt the last threads of his sanity leave him with a Dear John letter. “I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.”

“What? I happen to like it,” commented Cadence, clapping her hooves.

Yup. It’s official. Should have married the bug queen, thought Shining Armor.

“Ahem! If we are all quite finished...”

Everypony in the stadium turned to the center of the stage where a smirking Luna and Celestia were waiting. Celestia cleared her throat as she spoke into a nearby microphone. “Attention! The judges have decided the terms of the Free For All Rump Off match! Princess Luna, as well as Shining Armor, are required to partake in this match, but any others are free to leave as they see fit.”

“So we don’t have to stay?” shouted a voice not to far from the stage. Shining Armor’s eyes widen as he saw that it was his father, waving his hoof right next to a disapproving Twilight Velvet.

“No, Night Light. You may leave.”

“Yes! Kiss my curvy butt, goodbye you crazy mares! Woo hoo! Freedom!” he shouted as he danced towards the exit. Shining Armor only wished he was joining him.

“Anyway, the judges have decided...”

The stadium went quiet.

“... that the Rump Off shall be...”

Shining Armor gulped, sweat beating down his face.

“... a good old fashioned, butt kicking...”

Cadence licked her chops in anticipation.

“... Dodge Junction Steel Cage Elimination Death Match!”

Author's Notes:

Next time: Butts! Wrestling Jokes! And surprise appearances!

Please also support my Patreon so that I may continue funding a commissioned comic series of mine.

Plot 4

In the deserts of Equestria, it was the most average of days. A single gecko raced across the hot sands in search of a desert fly to eat for his lunch. The dingos were howling near the caves, the vultures were feasting on a poor cow that traveled to far from its herd, and the tumbleweeds were extra bouncy today with the wind. Yes, it was a normal, average, desert day.

At least until an entire stadium teleported in out of nowhere with a large steel cage in the middle of a ring. Thousands of mares were inside screaming in excitement as fireworks took off from around it, showering the sky with many different colors in the shape of very distinctive plots. From inside, the sounds of bangs from explosions overtook the already deafening screams and hollers of the crowd. The gecko simply blinked a few times as he looked at what had just entered his beautiful desert.

Nope.

Shaking his head, he retreated to a nearby rock. Out from under it, he produced a traveling hat and suitcase. With the desert going to tartarus it was time to move to a new location. Maybe a big city in the north? He always wanted to do carriage insurance sales.

Shining Armor felt his dizziness from the teleportation finally leaving him. He always hated that spell for the way it upset his stomach. Spike, who was still on his back, was looking even greener as well. “Ugh, I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that spicy emerald burrito for breakfast.”

A few other ponies were also in agreement, but they soon snapped out of it when Princess Celestia stood up tall and began to speak in a voice similar to the infamous Royal Canterlot Voice. “Subjects! The Rump Off shall now begin! This is a Dodge Junction Steel Cage Elimination Death Match, and the rules are simple! You get hit in the butt and you lose!

“Of course,” muttered Mrs. Cake as she glared at her big rump. “I knew I should have stuck with that diet.”

“Any method of attacking the rump is allowed, except for anything that would cause permanent damage!” declared Princess Celestia as her horn began to glow. “Sister, are you ready?!”

Luna flapped her wings and also began to glow her horn. “We are ready to kick some backsides!”

“Shining Armor! Are you prepared?!” asked Princess Celestia, gazing upon the squirming prince.

“...No...”

“THEN LET US BEGIN!”

A ring bell clanked three times. Not even a second later and there was chaos in the cage as the mother of all catfights began. Mares piled up upon mares as they wrestled, kicked, and even bite their opponents for dominance. Unicorns unleashed blasts of magic that stung more than one flank in a single shot while earth ponies counter-attacked with their strong legs straight up the backsides. Many pegasi thought they would be safe with their wings as they flew above most of the carnage, swiping down to smack a flank when it was open for the taking. Unfortunately, the majority failed to watch themselves as other pegasi began tearing up each other, trying to obtain aerial dominance.

Shining Armor had seen battles before, but this was worse than any he had ever seen. Even Celestia and Luna were duking it out above, trying to project large physical versions of boots that were trying to kick each other’s hindquarters. They sailed across the inner workings of the cage, firing blasts after blasts while dueling in aerial combat. Whenever Celestia struck a blow against her sister’s face, Luna would respond with one to the gut.

“This is a madhouse! A madhouse!” shouted Shining Armor, ducking as a unicorn mare flew over his head and landed with her rump in the air. Opportunists saw a chance and began to stomp on her flank where she, strangely enough, moaned in pleasure before disappearing. She, along with any other losing mares, appeared in the stands again in disappointment.
Five mares—who he recognized from his sister’s town as Lyra, Bon Bon, Colgate, Raindrops, and Berry Punch—spotted him in the chaos and grinned. “There is the prince! Ravage that butt and victory shall be ours!”

Shining Armor would forever deny that he screamed like a little filly at that moment.

Completely and totally roaring out like a real stallion would, he turned tail and ran as fast as he could, dodging whatever fights stood in his way, all the while dragging along Spike, who was hanging onto his neck. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t shake off the five mares who were gunning for him like timberwolves to a wounded sheep. He eventually found himself cornered at an edge of the cage, the metal fence stopping him from escaping. Backed against the steel wall, he gulped as all five mares slowly trotted towards him. He quickly grabbed Spike and held him up front like a shield. “Stay back! I have a wild baby dragon who eats ponies!”

“Hey! I’m not a scale shield here! You’re on your own!” shouted Spike as he wiggled out of Shining Armor’s hooves and ran away as fast as his little legs could carry.

“So what do we do with him first?” asked Colgate, rubbing her hooves. “I say we hold him down and slap his butt silly!”
“No, let’s make him slap it himself!” suggested Bon Bon.

“I want to kiss it! When will we ever get a chance to kiss any part of a member of the royal family,” said Raindrops with a sexy growl. Shining Armor, in response to this, covered his butt with his hooves.

“Screw kissing! Let’s just go all the way and buck him!” shouted Lyra, licking her lips.

“Orgy style?” asked Berry Punch, eyes lighting up.

“Orgy style!” shouted the other mares as they prepared to charge forward.

Shining Armor closed his eyes and waited for an end that many stallions would die for, but his doom was cut short when a familiar voice shouted. “Get away from him you whoreses! That flank belongs to me and me alone to ravage at night!”

They all gasped as Princess Cadence arrived and landed between her husband and the five mares. “Sorry, Sweetie, I had to teach a certain unicorn model not to mess with me by forcing her to stab her own butthole with her horn.” She turned to the stands where a blushing Fleur De Lis was waving with a “call me” signal. “You’re not against a threesome sometime next week are you, Shining?”

“Cadence, as much as I would like to discuss kinky sexual actions with you, can you please protect me so that my butt remains attached to the rest of me?!” shouted Shining Armor.

“Oh, right,” said Cadance, turning back towards the five growling mares. “Sorry, just gonna be a second.”

Lyra was the first to strike with a magical blast, but a simple shield spell from Cadence made it bounce off. It reflected it back at Lyra who was knock off her hooves, flank in the air. With an expert shot, Cadance charged her horn and fired a blast upwards, bouncing her magical beam off the cage’s roof and straight down at Lyra’s backside. With a small ‘poof’ Lyra Heartstrings was now in the audience with a bunch of other disappointed mares who had been “tagged out.”

Furious at seeing her best friend get taken out, Bon Bon charged forward in an attempt to tackle Princess Cadance. The Princess of Love was unfazed by this attack as she simply dodged to the left, spun around on her rear legs, raised one of her upper hooves, and back hoofed Bon Bon’s butt in less than a second. Shining Armor ducked just as Bon Bon careened into the cage and poofed out into the stands before she even knew what had happened.

Now the three remaining mares were nervously looking at each other as doubt seemed to creep into their minds. Colgate then shouted, “Attack her together! She can’t take on the three of us!”

All three nodding, they lowered their stances as they got ready to pound the love out of Princess Cadance. However, the alicorn simply smiled and whispered, “Muda…”

In a blink of an eye she disappeared, cause the three to freeze. They looked around for any sign of the princess, but before they could do anything, Berry Punch was smacked in the face by a pink sexy flank that Shining Armor quickly recognized (after many teenage years of staring at mind you) as his wife’s.

Suddenly, the pink butt appeared again in a flash and slammed into the back of Colgate, knocking her down. “Muda!”
With rapid speed, Cadance’s butt appeared around the three mares as it began to smack against them in every direction. There was no chance for them to defend or dodge the attacks, they were helpless against the high ranking power of a master of butt martial arts.

“MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA!” shouted Cadence as she appeared between all three of the mares and levitated them up into the air. She then gathered her magic to surround herself and closed her eyes. Opening them, they began to glow as Cadance threw her hooves into the air and shouted, “Za Warudo!”

Suddenly, a sphere of negative energy erupted from Cadance’s horn and surrounded her, the mare, and a few others in a sphere where everypony but Cadance stopped. Shining Armor’s eyes widened as he tried to open his mouth to say something, but he couldn’t even twitch a muscle. Cadance stared at him and smirked. “Toki yo tomare,” she answered before she jumped up and slapped all three mares in the butt before landing down and stomping her hoof.

“Soshite, toki wa ugoki dasu,” she said that as the sphere retreated back into her horn and time started again for those who were in it. The three mares were now poofed into the audience as Shining Armor stared at his wife in disbelief at what he had just seen.

“Um… yay?” asked Shining Armor.

“Yay! This is so much fun! And we still have so many more plots to kick!” cheered Cadence as she rushed over and hugged her husband. “I’m so happy we get to engage in the slaughter of the weak and helpless to show everypony that our butts are the best butts that were ever made by the butt gods.”

“…Butt gods?” asked Shining Armor in disbelief. “Please tell me you don’t really have Butt gods…”

“Oh course not silly, we have Buttha, the Enlightened Reared One who taught us all the way of Butthism!”

“...I’m starting to consider becoming an atheist…” muttered Shining Armor.

“Changing your theology can wait! We have plots to kick!” shouted Cadence as she picked up her husband and flew into the fray, shouting. “WRYYYY!”

Author's Notes:

You didn't think the fun was over did you? Nope the insanity of butt love is only just begun!