I stepped out into the woods. I'd decided to leave the tree behind, leave the town behind. I was walking with Celestia, looking through the forest as my thoughts raced in my head. "...Celestia, I'm sorry." I stated, tucking my hands into my pocket. "Your people are weird, and that one when I went to go get the condoms...I don't know why, but she bugged me."

Celestia kept pace with me, her hooves clanking against the soft ground. "Why are you sorry about that?"

I shook my head. "I'm not, not about your subjects, your people, the book horse, nerd, you know." I pulled my hands up, breathing into my fingers as we walked through the calm winter woods. "I'm just sorry."

Celestia continued to follow, curling her head back to look at me. "Able, what brought--"

"You can call me Sam. You're one of about ten people who actually know my real name." I stated, looking up towards the silver moon overhead. "But I really am sorry. I can say it all I want, but even then it feels fake." I rubbed my face. "I don't know why, seeing that dozy bitch in the store...she was- she just didn't give a fuck. It got me thinking."

Celestia walked beside me, just like always. "About?"

I bit my lip. "Celestia, I almost killed someone to get my life back. I was ready to do it, I was going to do it. I mean, I've killed before. I've killed lots of people, I killed them because of arguments, I've killed them for my work, for a better future, for lots of reasons."

"You're going to ask me if it was worth it, aren't you?" Celestia asked, looking up to the moon, "What I did to the Thestrals."

I rubbed my mouth. "Halifax, that was by far the worst thing I did. I lost friends, I lost myself, I mean- I was always a prick!" I held my arms out, stopping and facing the side of the path. "I was always mean, but after that, I couldn't be anything else. If I tried to be nice, if I tried to feel I just saw the faces again." I clutched my head. "It's been a year I think, maybe two, and I still think about them."

Celestia took a deep breath. "It's been centuries, millennium, since I took Equestria. I have to face what I did daily."

"But how do you do it!?" I screamed, lowering my arms into a begging pose. "Celestia I'm not passing judgment, but the first time I was here, I lost my mind! That was a month, and now...now I can't go back, even if I wanted to! Celestia I really don't know what the hell I'm going to do here."

Celestia smiled softly, "We're going to lay together. We are going to spend the night together, and this time, not because I want sex, not because you're frustrated, not so you can...have your fun--"

"I'm sorry!" I shouted, my knees nearly buckling. "I made a mistake! I thought you didn't care, I thought you were just trying to comfort me!"

"Able--"

"If I'd have known, I wouldn't have done what I did!" I grabbed her by the chest piece, "I'm sorry. I thought it would be a one time thing! I never-" I caught myself, "- I never thought I'd love you.... God damn it...I never thought anyone would give a damn about me, I never thought I'd give a damn about anyone else!" I held on tight as I leaned against her.

"Able--"

"And now Silver Spoon is safe, she doesn't need me! I can't go home, they don't need me! You're fine on your own, and if I--"

"Able!" Celestia stomped her hoof, her voice reminding me of someone I lost. "Stop," she cooed, nuzzling the side of my head. "Please...stop."

I did my best to straighten out. "I really just don't know what to do. Back when- I knew I wasn't going to make it. I knew there was something wrong with me when I crawled back. I knew I was going to die, but now, I don't know what the hell to do with myself!" I placed my hand flat against Celestia's chest. "I don't hear the noise anymore, but without it, it's so quiet." I rubbed her chest, the smooth texture soothing. "It's so damn quiet. It's like that day, over and over again. It's like each time I lost my hearing, each time I went deaf f-from a bomb, grenade, from gunfire- I can't stop thinking about it!"

I fell to my knees, falling face first into the dirt before Celestia. "I thought everything was going to be okay, I thought I could be with you again, but that bitch got me thinking! She just- how can someone not care!? I want that, damn it, I want the quiet to not matter!" I slammed my chest with my fist. "How!? How the hell did you move on!?"

Celestia slowly curled up around me. Her body warm against my own. "I had children. I raised families, I built homes, towns, I lived. I've seen lives rise from nothing, hit their peak, and crumble into dust. I've been alive for thousands of years, seen ponies go through strife and great prosperity. Able, if there's one thing I can pass on to you, to a friend, a lover, someone I care about, someone I once was, you have to move on." Celestia curled her foreleg around my waist, pulling me against her belly. "You'll never forget what you did, but that doesn't mean it has to be your life."

I shook my head. "I'd done so much bad shit."

"Shh."

"I fucked with your students, I screamed at you, I screamed at them--"

"Shh."

"I nearly killed a man, I- I'm a fucking monster Celestia!" I grabbed my head. "God damn that bitch! Everything I did, everyone I killed, all so I could get screwed with by that bitch!" I clutched my arms, "Why the hell does she bug me so much?!"

Celestia curled around me. "Does she remind you of--"

"No!" I shouted, "No...not going--"

"She does, doesn't she?" Celestia asked, laying her chin against my chest, her cheek pressed against the crook of my neck. "Someone you cared about? Someone you hated?"

I shook my head. "It's not her. It's the attitude." My grip nearly tore the skin from my arm. "So many people like that back in Quebec. Whores, traitors, people who just didn't give a fuck about us or what we were trying to do." I felt my nails cut my skin. "She was making jokes, like we should have a threesome, like it's a fucking game!" I darted my hand to Celestia's head as she leaned against me. "Celestia...is this a game? Is this going to be another night like before?" I shook my head. "If this is going to be like before, carnal, mean, I don't want it."

"Able," Celestia drew her head back, sliding her soft face over my cheek. "While you were gone, I enjoyed the company of a guard."

I felt my gut sink. "So this is--"

"If I wanted sex, just sex, again, I'd find one of them. Somepony I'd never have to deal with again." She kissed the top of my head. "I want to be here for you, and I want to see you feel." She kissed my crown, wiggling her head and rustling my hair. "I want to see you cry."

I locked up. "You want...to see me...cry?" I asked in earnest. "You want to see me cry? What the fuck!?" I shoved off her, rolling onto my back and scrambling away. "What kind of psycho shit is that!?"

Celestia sat, as a horse would, staring at me. "It's okay to cry, and I don't think I've ever seen you."

I felt a heat rise into my chest. "Over what?!" I held my arms out. "What do you want me to cry about!? About the men I've killed, about the ponies you've killed?! Should I bring it all up, just throw it on the floor like it doesn't even matter!?" I felt my eyes start to burn as I remembered Halifax. "About how Coax died before me, about when we found Juno, dead, curled up and charred black." I took a deep breath. "Should I bring up your stories?! About how--"

"About my husband?" Celestia asked, her eyes glassy. "Did I tell you about my first husband?"

I felt something shoot through my chest. "Why you bring that shit up--"

"He was a thestral." She stated, lowering her head. "My first family, thestrals. Seems a bit ironic considering what I did, no?" She looked off into the woods. "It was after it all. When they were forced into Transylmania. We kept them there, only a few lucky ones could leave, and even then they had to stay in Canterlot." She frowned hard, "He was sweet. Bitter as could be about what happened, but I couldn't blame him." She looked towards the woods. "He had green eyes, very bright."

I felt a pang hit me, somehow I was more inadequate for not having green eyes. "Why are you--"

"I loved him, Able." She stated, clear as day. "And you two are so alike. So angry, so bitter at the world for the cards it dealt you. But please, I don't want to see you make the same mistake he did." Celestia pushed off the ground, carefully standing and wandering over to me. "He died unhappy. He died trying to convince me what I did was wrong. He spent the last three years of his life screaming at me, at our children, because he saw what was happening in the mountains."

I just stared at her, my nose and eyes starting to burn and blur. "You think I'm going to tell you I think what you did was wrong? I've seen the bat ponies, thestrals, whatever you want to call them. They're still around, and that's more--" I could feel my breathing kick up, my heart fluttering as I tried to speak through a mouth full of dry air. "That's more than I can say about Halifax!" I stormed up to her, standing on my toes to be level with her. "You fixed your mistake! I can't go back, I can't tell them all how sorry I am! I can't get the faces out of my head!"

Celestia kept level with me, frowning softly, "Able, it's okay--"

"It's not okay!" I screamed, "It's not about being okay! It's about me being here at all!" I turned away, "I don't belong here! Because you know what, no matter what happened here, what happens here, you can fix it. I can't, I don't belong here, I don't know how I ended up here, but I knew you were out there, and I thought you'd--"

Celestia nuzzled my head, "You're here." She swept a hoof around my back, "And I'm trying to help you, now please, let go."

"Don't fucking do this!" I shouted, trying to push free. "I'm not broken damn it!"

"Let go," Celestia cooed, leaning against my head. "I'm here, it's safe--"

I felt my arms start to weaken, "Don't fucking do this to me!" I screamed, my voice going hoarse. "Don't do this!"

Celestia kept me pinned against her chest, "It's okay, but you need to let go." She rested her lips against my shoulder, "I cried like a filly after what I did. But I don't think you've cried once." She rubbed her cheek against my own. "Crying hurts, I know, but holding it in burns." Celestia leaned down, dampening my cheek with her eye, "You're the first one I told about Posa. Thousands of years, everypony but me forgot who he was. But you know."

I let my hands fall, slipping gently from her chest. I hung there for a moment, silence filling the air. "I'm sorry." I whimpered, darting my hands around her neck and pulling her close. "I'm so fucking sorry." I went blind, my eyes too blurry to see properly. Celestia's white coat distorted into a hazy blur as I hissed and sputtered. "I'm so god damn sorry."

I tried to push free, "No...you're staying right here--"

I continued to try and push free. "I'm going to get you sick or something!" I screamed, following it up with a pained whine, my heart felt weak, my body limp and useless. "Please, for the love of god, I don't want you to--"

Celestia slowly rocked her body left and right. "You're not leaving me right now."

I tightened up, my arms burning for touch. I wrapped my arms around her, squeezing myself against her with all my force. "I swear to god I'll never leave you!"

Celestia's grip tightened after I spoke. "Able...thank you--"

"Don't fucking thank me!" I squeezed her tight, trying to lock my fingers together. My eyes burned like hell, my body weeped for rest. "I'm so fucking sorry, I'm so sorry, I never wanted to hurt you, I never wanted to hurt anyone."

Celestia slowly lowered her head, placing her horn against my skull. "Able...."

I snapped upright, a strange buzzing echoing through my body. "What?" I asked with a sharp turn of my head. "What!? Celestia, what do you need?!"

Celestia let me go, leaving me wobbling in the center of the path. She walked behind a tree, a bright light shining and lighting up the entire forest. From behind the tree, a warm, white hand reached out. "Follow me."

I looked down at my wrists, orange hair starting to grow over my skin, and my fingers starting to pull back into my hands. "...How long?"

Celestia leaned out from behind a tree, human, "A day or so." She smiled sweetly, "If I remember right, you were quite cute as a pony."

I sniffled loudly, wiping my nose off with my slowly changing wrist. "I'm not cute...." I followed her into the woods. Next Chapter: Chasing Her Estimated time remaining: 17 Minutes