I stood in the middle of the Ponyville Library, Twilight was off getting eaten out by some bat pony in Canterlot, which meant it was me and the single person I understood in Equestria. "So...like my glasses?" Spike asked, tapping the cheap plastic frames. "...I like them."

I shook my head and continued to get dressed, not really wanting to engage the slowly maturing dragon without pants on. "...Spike, bro, dude...go...talk with Celestia. This is like come creepy uncle shit right now." I mumbled, zipping a cheap pair of slacks up and adjusting myself. "...You're still here."

"So your penis just like...hangs out...is that normal?" Spike asked, putting his glasses on his head. He was a sight bigger than the last time I was alive, still a child but just bigger.

"Spike...seriously...you're a kid, you're a dumb ass boy...I can sympathize like fuck with you, but stop looking at my dick." I grabbed a cheap tee-shirt with Twilight's face on it, the book nerd having since gained a little popularity and a star role on her own TV show. I hated having her face smiling cartoonishly on my chest, but it was either dress like an idiot or walk about with a princess, nude, flabby, flaccid. "There...now what did you want?"

Spike rubbed his claws together. "Well...you do stuff...like, exciting stuff--"

"I've killed people...."

"So...Twilight does cool stuff...but never...never colt stuff...."

"I'm not a colt."

"So I was thinking--"

"Shut up now and I'll take you shooting one day...." I groaned, not really wanting to continue bleeting on with budding teen.

Spike rubbed his chin. "Hmm, maybe.... Now question, is it supposed to hang out like--"

"You're a dragon...ask, ask a lizard science person!" I shouted, turning to the door outside. "I really can't help you figure out if you like boys or not, or if your dick is screwed on right. ...Aren't you crushing on that one girl with the, waaah, I'm so pretty, thing?"

Spike drug his claws against his scales. "Rarity?! Um...uh...I uh--"

I laughed gently, "Dragon want mare pussy...."

"No I don't!" Spike shouted, stomping his slightly gangly leg. "What's pussy?"

I froze, the room growing a bit chilly. "...I'm not sure you're as old as I thought you were. Uh...don't worry about it kid...go, go play in the mud or something."

Spike followed me to the door. "Hey, I'm not a baby anymore!"

I set my hand on the knob and looked down at the scraggly little shit. "...Spike, playing in the mud is always fun. We just have to stop when life takes over. If I could play in the mud instead of worrying about my soul being trapped in limbo, my body evaporating, living with these pansy ponies, or getting shot, I would go outside and play in the mud until the sun went down...." I put my hand on his head, tweaking his fin thing. "Seriously...it's the little things that bring the greatest joy...like mud, and not being shot at. But mostly mud...it's just plain old-- God damn it Spike, now I'm thinking about mud and Celestia!"

Spike cocked his head. "...Celestia plays in the mud?"

My mind conjured up lewd images of Celestia and Luna rolling around the mud, flanks caked in sticky mud and faces cutely splashed with speckles of dirt. Oh no...Able I'm so dirty now--

"Kid...I'll tell you when you're older.... Like...I promise you I will explain this all when you're older, and on that day...you will get laid...and you will thank me. And we will be brothers...probably." I flicked his fin and opened up the door. "You know where to send the letters man."

Spike rubbed his head, waving as I walked towards Celestia. "Alright...but...I- mud...."

Celestia met me half way, joining me as I turned onto the path towards my old house in Ponyville. "Able, I didn't know you talked to Spike."

I nodded, stretching out the undersized tee. "I went to apologize to your little book horse, he was there instead, so we started talking. He's at that fun age where the world isn't entirely depressing and he's young enough to get into trouble where I would get arrested."

Celestia stared at me, her magenta eyes burning through my skull. "Able...you lived vicariously through a baby dragon? That's adorable...if a bit disconcerting."

I stopped in the middle of the empty sunset road. "Okay, A: I don't even know what vicariously means. B: fuck you, and C: fuck you again...but in a sexual way."

Celestia reeled her head back. "...I though being in Ponyville kept you calm, now you're just being vulgar."

I shrugged, "I swore when I was down here too. Except in front of- uh...I stopped swearing in front of the kids. ...This little white and purple one...just...I couldn't cuss at.... She was just hitting that cute puberty age, like...when the voice cracks and they're more adorable than they are bitches.... I mean...I can't be mad at cute, like it just eats my soul when I try."

Celestia chuckled loudly. "Well I think Twilight is cute--"

"The only interaction I had with Twilight was also about the same time I was shitting water...so...I mean I'm not a saint, far from it, but when I'm trying to keep from spewing water out my ass, maybe not the best time to try and introduce me to your favorite student." I rubbed my stomach, sympathy pains from the episode making their way back. "Also shame on you for picking favorites."

Celestia scrunched up her muzzle and walked at my pace. "Shame on me? Able you swear constantly, you swear at me, you swore at everypony in Canterlot--"

"I don't swear at kids now, I learned not to after I left. I don't swear at people who are really offended by it. So if you want me to stop...ask. It won't be immediate, but I'll do what I can."

Celestia cocked her head. "Is everything so black and white with you?"

"Pretty much." I rubbed my mouth. "Fuck your empathy shit, be extremely god damn clear about what you want me to do, and I'll do it."

Celestia puffed out her lower lip, forming a heartbreaking pout. "Able...I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't swear at me...."

I locked up, wanting to be a snarky prick, but shut down my the adorable beg that was placed before me. "...Stop...stop this." I waved at her face. "I can't...stop...just stop that."

Celestia got around my front, walking backwards and pouting in my face. "...Able...why don't you want to look at me? Do I make you feel guilty?"

I turned away, stuffing my hands in my pocket as I walked. "You know if it was anyone else they'd be punched right now...."

"Able...look at me." Celestia begged, her voice snapping my heartstrings like twigs. "Aaaaable--"

"Stop it!" I shouted, turning around and pressing my back against her, the both of us walking backwards like idiots. "...I don't like the way you make me feel."

Celestia let out a warm coo and started nuzzling the sides of my head with her chin. "Able...look at me, please?"

"...Jesus--fuck! I come back from the dead to be with you, I nearly killed someone to do it, I said sorry, I said I loved you, I sequestered myself so I wouldn't be an asshole to you. What more do you want from me!?"

Celestia nipped my ear. "I want you to be nice to me, because I know we're alike, I know you understand me, but I know you wouldn't like it if I was constantly mean to you too."

I swung around, spinning on my heel. "Celestia I'm not mean to you!"

Celestia leveled an extremely skeptical gaze at me. "...Really?"

I lowered my head and walked past her. "Not...intentionally."

Celestia shook her head. "...I believe you...." She let out a soft sigh. "...I always fall for the, I can fix them, ones."

I scoffed, "Fall for. You know, I really don't even know why you went after me in the first place."

Celestia walked beside me. "Like I said...I have a thing for bad colts. I'm allowed to have preferences...and...you and I do have some common ground, even if it's rather violent. And look at me, I went from a- ...a bitter and vengeful leader, to- to.... Able do you realize how much tea I drink? How many parties I have to attend? How many borish nobles I have to entertain? You don't think there are times I wish I was still like you, angry, bitter, fighty. You don't think there are times I wish I could just say, buck you, and your stupid problem! But I can't say that--"

"The fuck you can't." I groaned, stretching out and stepping onto my old lawn, Silver Spoon's home. "You're a princess...you do what you want." I stopped in the lawn, turning around and stopping Celestia. "Tell you what...I'll promise to stop being mean to you, if you give me people to be mean to."

"Able that's really--"

"I mean, you said it...you want to tell people to fuck off, but you can't! I can, and I'll solve their stupid fucking problems while I'm at it!" I threw my arms out. "I'm alive for the first time in three years, I gotta do something!"

Celestia stifled a laugh, quickly leading into a deep snicker. "Yes, yes you do." She poked my exposed stomach with a hoof, the cold metal shoe making me jump. "Oh dear...were you always this pudgy?"

I yanked my shirt down, covering my stomach like a woman would cover her breasts. "...That's not funny."

"Oh what's wrong?" Celestia walked around me, circling me like a shark. "Is it not funny when it's you?"

I felt my face flush slightly. "Look I get it...stop--"

"You're red." She stated, peaking me on the forehead. "I don't think I've ever seen you blush, it's cute."

I locked up, my face so red that even I could see it out of the corner of my eye. "...Fuckin- shut- I don't- god- fuck...."

Celestia waited for me at the door, peeking through the window. "Oh- um...Able...."

I walked up to her, pushing her head out of the way and holding it open. "What, what's up--" I stopped dead as I spotted Silver Spoon sitting in the entry, a colt sitting next to her, foreleg draped around her, holding her. But Silver sat there, smiling, happy. "...Who the fuck is that?!" I shouted, knowing the answer but not really accepting it. "Celestia you know that kid!?"

She returned to the window for a few seconds. "...Able, I think she's--"

"That fucker better get his hooves off her!" I shouted, grabbing the door handle. "I swear to god--"

Celestia's caught my hand with her magic. "Able don't...I think they're--"

"Let me the fuck go!" I shouted, trying to stop myself from disturbing them. "No one fucks with her! She doesn't deserve it!"

Celestia frowned hard. "...Able, I really don't think--"

"That is my work in there!" I thrust my finger out towards the door. "I- she came to me for help, and I helped her! I- I did this!" I waved my arm at the house. "This is my work, my time, I- I did this!"

Celestia smiled softly at me. "Able...you did, but-" she looked over at the window, smiling at Silver as she slid herself against the colt. "- I think you did enough."

I felt rage boil up in my gut. "I came back for you, Celestia, but you weren't the only one!" I beat my chest. "She came to me...she- she talked to me, she- she- oh god she moved on." I felt like someone pulled my heart out, leaving me to slump against the wall. "...Oh god...she's on her own." I mumbled, clutching my chest. "Oh god...she doesn't need me. I- I came all this way...and she doesn't need me."

Celestia lifted me off the wall with her hoof, holding her against me and walking towards the street. "That means you did a good job...."

I rubbed my chest, not really ready to lose that feeling of parentage. "I uh...I- that...." I stopped talking, hanging my arm over her neck. "Uh...Celestia...someone was talking about...babies...does that--"

"About two years ago." Celestia stated, laying down. "Why, interested in starting a generation?"

I rubbed my chest, sitting down in the middle of the road with Celestia. "Uh...I- you?"

Celestia smiled. "Well I've got to say, if you're promising to be nice to me, and you came back from the dead for me...it's a step in the right direction."

I took a deep breath, leaning back against Celestia's side. "I uh...I'm not romantic...but.... Time, I think...in time." I rubbed my chest, still hollow from the loss of my pseudo daughter. "You know...I don't know if this will last, you and me. I mean...I don't know how compatible we--"

"Able...if I didn't see something worthwhile in you, I would have left you in the dungeon when we first met."

I tried to ignore the twisting in my gut. "Uh, thanks, I think. But...I think we need...to figure this out...actually.... I think I need to learn what love is...."

Celestia craned her neck around to face me, "Is that a joke?"

"If it is, I don't get it." I rubbed my cheek, tired, wishing for rest. "I think...we go home...we try to sort this all out...and we see if we can keep this together."

Celestia smiled wide. "See...you have a certain stickto-ativness. I knew that you weren't a complete psycho, and maybe now the quiet the calm, maybe now we can--"

"You can say civilize me." I rubbed my throat, finally letting my arm fall. "I'm a fucking barbarian, I know. And I think...I think I want to change, I think I finally need to change. I mean, I died, what better time to, right?"

Celestia wrapped a wing around me, gently picking us up and leading me towards the road to the library. "Right. Now let's spend the night together, make some plans--"

"I knew a guy who could waltz, he used to waltz with his gun." I nuzzled Celestia's cheek, finally feeling empty enough to need that physical contact. "Can ponies waltz?"

Celestia laughed gently. "We can. Do you want to learn?"

I nodded. "Yeah...I think I do...." I looked up to the road, ponies bowing to Celestia and sneering at me. "...Celestia, are we gonna have sex...like, be honest, because I sure as hell won't complain."

Celestia stopped dead. "Um...I wasn't planning--"

I pushed free of her wing. "Fuck planning...I'm alive, I'm gonna go...do some things, and we're gonna actually spend the fucking night together!" I shouted in an actually pleased manner. "We're gonna- we're not gonna do that crazy shite like before...we're gonna...we're gonna lay down...be calm...and- and have sex like a couple should!" I felt invigorated, still a bit crestfallen from Silver moving on, but I was ready. I had sorted out everything from my past, and I had Celestia as a future. And I wasn't about to be the domineering psycho, bent on pleasure, I was going to connect, body and soul, I was going to make her feel loved, I was going to hold her, I was going to feel. "I'm ready to feel...." I mumbled, breathing deep. "I think...I'm ready to let go."

Celestia stood in the road, watching me wander off. "Wha- where are you going?"

"Condoms."

"B-but I thought you--"

"Not ready to feel that much!" I shouted, the possibility of having offspring with her wasn't terrible, but I really just needed to be with her, love her. I had to figure things out with her, before I could even start dreaming of raising kids properly. And so with a bit of a heavy heart, I headed on towards condoms, and a hopeful night with my girl, pony or not, magic or not, ruthless dictator or gleaming example of benevolence, she was mine. "...I'm in love with a horse. God--damn--it--Koby." Next Chapter: Condoms Estimated time remaining: 31 Minutes