Twilight woke up to the sound of Spike barfing out yet another letter. It wasn't too unusual for Celestia to send random messages while she was drunk at night, but that wouldn't stop Twilight from reading them. Was Twilight a princess? Yes. Would that stop her from kissing up to her mentor? Not in hells blazes it wouldn't!

The purple alicorn had no choice but to begrudgingly climb out of her bed and pick up the parcel. She carefully scooped it up in her magic, trying to be sure not to crush whatever was inside until she was sure it wasn't fragile.

"Damnit, when will Celestia stop sending those at all hours?!" Spike whined before laying back down to go to sleep. Twilight just rolled her eyes and trotted out of the room. If it was a pracel, then something must be inside of it!

The door to Twilight's basement slammed shut behind her as she strode into her lair. A wide array of mad scientist equipment was sprawled out around the room and the whole thing smelled oddly of rubbing alcohol. A large drafting table loaded with plans and equipment sat nestled right in the middle of the room.

"Let's begin!" she cried out enthusiastically to no one in particular. Her horn lit up a little brighter as she pulled the parcel closer to herself and opened it. A small ring dropped out of it and onto the table.

"Okay..." Twilight said, starging at the little object. It was just a normal looking golden horn ring, something not all too different from what she'd encountered when Celestia wanted to punish her for disobedience. After all, having one's magic cut off was terrifying to a little filly but didn't leave any lasting trauma. Right? Twillight just chuckled at that. There was still a letter sitting in the packaging, so Twilight made sure to pick it up and read it.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

The enclosed ring is a strange artifact that we picked up in the aftermath of the Nortelian Volcano eruption a few months ago. It seems to have some rather strange properties according to the pony who handed it over to the authorities, so I'd like for you to check it out. Hopefully it's just another horn ring like those ones I used to put on your horn as a filly for shits and giggles.

I'd like it if you'd send me a complete and thorough study of what it is, and more importantly, whether or not it's dangerous. I'd also like to make it clear right now that you cannot, I repeat, cannot keep this object once the studies are completed. For that reason, I'll be setting an aribtrary and in every way completely unnecessary deadline of tomorrow morning for you for my own sadistic pleasure. If you fail, you'll be tried for high treason and punished with a public beating with a limp noodle. I'll be the one to execute this punishment if you do.

Do not fail me like you did with the squid project, my faithful but remarkably inept student. I expect only the best out of my apprentice and will be watching your progress very closely. Very, VERY closely! So very closely that I can count the hairs in your mane kind of closely! Beware!!

Your very drunk mentor,

Celestia di Equestria, blah blah blah titles.

P.S. By watching closely, I do NOT mean in any way, shape, or form that I have set up cameras or bugged your basement for nefarious purposes.

P.P.S. Ignore that last comment, I don't know what I was saying.

P.P.P.S. Is that a Playcolt magazine I see over by the defribulator?

P.P.P.P.S. Ignore that comment as well. I don't know about it because I've never seen it because I've in no way been spying on you nor have I been watching you trying to sleep while you rub your privates out of loneliness.

The young alicorn just sighed at her mentor's antics. Drunken Celestia could be Fun Celestia when in person, but her letters were just jumpled pieces of grammatical shit whenever she tried to write as such.

Twilight looked back at her newest assignment with a bit of trepidation. If it was bad enough for Celestia to be considering another public noodle fest with someone as unimportant as her, Twilight was sure it must be very dangerous indeed.

"Okay, let's do this thing!"

With a nervous smile, the young mare picked up the ring and prepared to slip it over her horn. The worst case scenerio was that she'd have to go get Spike to remove it, so there was no real threat in experimenting if it was just your typical horn ring.

What really scared Twilight about it was the possibility that it wasn't just a normal horn ring. What if it was a cursed ring of magic rot or an extraterrestrial weapon containing every song ever written by Vinyl Scratch on an infinite repeat?!

She took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves. Nothing good would come of panicking. Her mentor had given her an assignment, so backing out of the experiment wasn't an option. There was only one way this could go.

Twilight closed her eyes and slipped the ring over her horn, cringing a little as she did. What she saw when she opened her eyes scarred her for life.

I SEE YOU!!

"AH!! IT'S A BIG, FIERY VAGINA!!! GET IT AWAY, GET IT AWAY!!" Twilight screamed. The big gapping maw of Sauron's eye stared at her for a moment.

I SAID I SEE YOU, MORTAL!!

"Oh yes, and I see you too! MUST UNSEE, MUST UNSEE!! FIRECROTCH!!" the young mare cried out."GET OUT OF MY HEAD, YOU HERPES RIDDEN COOCH!!"

HEY, I'M NOT A VAGINA!! SEE ME AND FEAR THE MIGHT OF SAURON!!

"PUSSY!! YOU'RE A PUSSY!!"

AM NOT!!

"Are too!"

AM NOT!!

"Are too!"

AM NOT!!

"Are too!"

A MILLION TIMES, I AM NOT!!

"Just look at yourself! One. Big. Hairy. Vagina. Seriously, you're nothing but a cabbage muff! Now can you leave me in peace?"

The gigantic eye of eternal fire stopped himself in his tracks. Maybe there was a bit more truth to what this mare was saying than he originally thought? Perhaps he should leave for now and rethink his appearance. Was this why he got laughed out of Mordor by the Witch King? No matter.

ALRIGHT, FINE! I'LL LEAVE FOR NOW. JUST KNOW THAT I'LL BE BACK.

"Sure, come back anytime! Just make sure it's when you don't look like a REDHEAD'S VAGINA!!" Twilight hollered. Sauron grumbled as he left, muttering something about wanting a warranty.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have done some thorough research on this ring and have found it to be very dangerous indeed. The things that it has shown me are frightening to say the least. I feel that it should be locked away in a pit somewhere deep in Tartarus where only the damned may suffer its plague. Please do so post-haste.

Your faithful and very sober student,

Twilight Sparkle.