One day, the guys and I had found ourselves aboard a train with Spike and the ponies that was heading towards a town called Appleloosa. The reason why the ponies were going there was because Applejack needed to deliver an apple tree; and the reason why we were dragged along was because Andrew saw this as an opportunity to confess his feelings for Applejack and insisted that me and Jonathan be there to witness it.

But it would seem that that would have to wait for another time, seeing as how it was already nighttime and Andrew had came back with that disappointed look that most people who fail usually have on their faces. "I take it that Applejack still doesn't know yet?" asked Jonathan.

"Well she did thank me for craddling Bloomberg for her," Andrew tried to find a silver lining. "I'm just honestly surprised at how heavy these apple trees really are."

"So it's safe to say that we got on this train for nothing?" I said.

"That's not true," Andrew retorted. "We're going to a new town; that's fun, right?"

Jonathan just gave him a reality check. "Sorry Andrew, traveling to towns that are in the middle of a desert maybe fun in Red Dead Remption; but not so much here."

By the time our conversation was over, I was starting to notice Spike having a hard time trying to go to sleep, what with the nonstop chatter that was coming from the ponies (aside from Rarity, that is). But he eventually couldn't take anymore and just had to tell these loudmouths to shut the fuck up. "Do you guys mind? I was up early fire-roasting those snacks you're all eating, and I'm pooped!"

I'm sorry, but I just need to put this story on pause and take this time to address something that I feel is important. What the fuck is Twilight's deal with raising Spike? I mean she laughs when he almost drowned in the middle of a lake, allows him to be used as a crash test dummy without showing any concern towards his physical well being, and now she's going as far as depriving him of much needed sleep just for the sake of not having to roast snacks herself (the last of which kinda explains why Spike fell asleep on a piece of melting ice during the Winter Wrap Up). Is there just a sick, twisted, dark part of her brain that's giving her bad parenting advice? Isn't she even a tad bit worried that Child Services might find out about all of this? Though now that I think about it, Child Services probably doesn't even exist in this world. Because if it did exist, then I'm pretty sure that they would waste no time getting Spike away from an irresponsible adult who thinks she can dump all of her responsibilities on the shoulders of a little kid.

OK, now that I got that out of the way, let's get back to the story. After Spike's outburst, Rainbow Dash seemed to have been the only one who didn't get the memo. What with her saying, "Uh, speaking of, some of these popcorn kernels didn't get popped."

Spike just gave her a kind of passive-aggressive look and said, "OK, fine." And that's when he let out a blast of fire that burned all of Rainbow Dash's popcorn--except for the one that wasn't popped! This resulted in me laughing my ass off to the point of kicking my feet in the air, and then telling Rainbow Dash, "I hope that one piece of popcorn will be enough to fill you up for tonight!" after high fiving Spike and ignoring the irritated looks that the ponies get whenever they hear me laughing, we all decided to call it a night...that is until Rainbow Dash decided to have a chat with Pinkie Pie.

"Psst! Pinkie Pie, you asleep yet?"

"No, are you asleep yet?"

"If I was sleeping, how could I have asked you if you were asleep?"

"Oh yeah!"

"When we get to Appleloosa, you think we'll have to carry that heavy tree all the way from the train to the orchard?"

"What tree? You mean Bloomberg?"

"No, Fluttershy..."

"Fluttershy's not a tree, silly!"

Twilight decided to join in. "What's going on?"

"Rainbow Dash thinks Fluttershy's a tree!" Pinkie filled her in.

"I don't think she's a tree! I was just..."

"Did you say she was a tree?" Twilight asked.

"No. Well...yes. But not exactly..."

"Ya know she's not a tree, right?"

"She's not a tree, Dashie!" Pinkie reminded her.

And then Fluttershy decided to say something as well. "I'd like to be a tree."

Spike couldn't take anymore of the ponies chatter, so he took his pillow and blanket with him and went off to somewhere more quiet. The second he wasn't around, Fluttershy had made a little jape about him being "huffy" (I'm kinda surprised that a pony who's suppose to represent kindness would even want to make fun of a kid). They each had a little laugh--and I do mean little--but were soon screaming back to their beds when they saw that Rarity apparently likes to sleep the same way as Yzma. "Would you all be quiet...now?!" when everything was finally silent, I soon found myself dreaming away.

In my dream, I am standing victorious over my fierce battle with the mighty Himura Kenshin. As I was doing my victory pose while also donning my Ryu outfit, the legendary Battosai could only lay unconscious with the plethora of battle scars and bruises all over his body and with "Oro," being the only word his lips can muster.

"Jeffrie!" far off in the distance, I saw my prize running towards me. Kaoru, the former lover of Kenshin whose heart finally belongs to me now. After hugging me and giving me a well deserved kiss to the cheek, my beloved told me, "Oh Jeffrie, I knew you would win!"

"I promised you that I would win your hand," I said. "And not even the Hitnen Mitsurugi style could keep me down."

"You did, which is why my virginity shall be your reward." With that said, I watched her untie her blue ribbon while sliding off her pink robe to reveal the heavenly body that I was fighting for. Of course her breast were somewhat small, but since this is my dream I was able to have them grow into the biggest pair of melons that every man dreams of. She then lept onto me as I was holding her by her butt cheeks, and that's when both our mouths finally connected with one another and allow both our tongues to wrestle for a good nine minutes. After we let our mouths go, she then smothered my whole face with the humongous tits that I just gave her. While this was happening, Vince Vaugh (who was dressed as Sanosuke) was watching us and going, "You motorboatin' son of a bitch." This caused Kaoru to punch him straight to the moon and shout, "Can't you see I'm being intimate with my future husband here?!" but before I even had a chance to claim her virginity, I was now about to come face to face with a very rude awakening.

My face had fallen flat onto the floor of the train while my whole body was being pinned down by that of Jonathan's. "Get the fuck off of my back!" after throwing him off my back like an angry bull, I finally got up and asked the ponies, "OK, somebody better start explaining why I was knocked off my bed right now!" they were just giving me these strange, astonish looks that I haven't seen since the time they all saw me deflect Celestia's lightning back to herself. "And why, might I ask, are you ponies giving me the weird looks?" it didn't take too long for me to figure out they were staring upon the raging boner that was trying to escape from my pajama pants!

"Did you dislocate one of your bones?" Rainbow Dash suggested.

"No silly, isn't it obvious?!" Pinkie Pie declared. "He's hiding a snake in his pants!"

"Ooh, I love snakes!" Fluttershy beamed in excitement. "Can I pet it?!"

Just as she was flying towards my pants, I blocked her hoof with one hand and said, "Sorry Fluttershy, but this is one snake that you won't be petting."

The soft fur that I felt had made my "snake" move a little, and that caused Rarity to shriek. "Sweet Celestia, I think I saw it move!"

Thank God Andrew had enough sense to change the subject. "Yeah, as much as I would love for all of us to go into more detail about Jeffrie's morning wood, can we please focus on the damn buffalo out there?!"

All of our attention was turned towards the stampeding herd of buffalo (who were dressed up as Native Americans) outside from the side of the train. We then watched a young looking buffalo perfom a somersault and landed on top of one of the train carts. After she ran past our cart, the ponies soon realized that the young buffalo was heading towards the caboose. (Which happens to be where Applejack's apple tree is being held.)

Any who, Rainbow Dash wasted no time in chasing the unknown assailant, but her speed clearly wasn't at its best seeing as how she missed the buffalo by an inch and went head-first into a sign. We could only watch as the caboose was being taken away by the buffalo tribe as they stampeded farther into the sunset with Rainbow Dash following behind. None of this would've been too bad if Spike wasn't inside that caboose while this was happening!

I of course tried to run off after him, but I found myself being dragged back by Twilight's unicorn magic. "What the Hell do you think you're doing?!" I scolded her. "Can't you see that we have a serious problem on our hands?!"

"Yeah, they've gone and took Bloomberg!" Applejack shouted.

I gave her the same look anyone would have after they heard something really stupid and said, "Applejack, fuck your tree! Incase you didn't notice, Spike just got kidnapped by a herd of buffalo!"

"I know you're worried about Spike," Twilight tried convincing me, "but you just can't just run off by yourself."

"Rainbow Dash is chasing him on her own; I don't see you dragging her back with your magic. Now that I brought it up, why didn't use your magic to stop that caboose? Or teleport yourself into that said caboose and teleport yourself and Spike back here? Hell, I can just flash forward myself over to him right now."

Before I even started to do that, Twilight still insisted that now is not the time to be rescuing Spike. "Look Jeffrie, we just have to wait for a better time to go save him."

"It'll only take like three seconds..."

"Let's just wait until we arrive to Appleloosa, then maybe the townsponies can help us."

"Why?! We never needed all of Ponyville just to get rid of one dragon or rescue Rarity from those Diamond Dogs, so why should this be any different?!"

Before Twilight can think of another half-ass excuse, the train finally reached its destination. "Oh look, we're here. Come on everypony, let's go see if anypony can help us."

The second me and the guys had changed ourselves into our clothes, we stepped off the train and got a good look at Appleloosa. Which, for the most part, looks like every old west town out of every western movie. (In fact, a bit of me was hoping that this was all just a big set out of Blazing Saddles.) But it wasn't long until we found ourselves being greeted by a yellow furred pony with long orange hair--who was (like all the ponies who live here) dressed up like a cowboy. "Hey there! Welcome to A-A-ppleloosa!"

You know, I normally would be thinking up of a funny gay joke about this guy, but I was too worried about Spike to even bother coming up with one. Applejack tried to say, "Braeburn, listen..."

But she was immediately cut-off by this Braeburn fella. "Cousin Applejack, mind yer manners, you have yet ta introduce me ta yer..." that's when he finally noticed me and the guys. "Well blaze my saddles, are those them strange visitors who fell from the sky?!"

The guys and I both had the same "Say what?!" expressions on our faces by the time I asked Braeburn, "You've heard of us?"

"Heard of ya? Why you're all that my cousin Applejack ever talks about in her letters! Now if what Applejack described y'all in her letters is true...you're Jeffrie." He correctly pointed at me. He then gazed upon Jonathan and made his next guess. "And you're Andrew."

"I'm Andrew!" the real Andrew corrected him.

This bit of clarity seemed to amaze Braeburn. "Oh I'm sorry, it's just that cousin Applejack had described ya as bein' handsome."

"And you thought I wasn't?!"

"You really thought I was handsome?" Jonathan muttered while also slightly blushing from Braeburn's unintentional compliment.

But seeing as how Spike's life might be at stake, I was the one who had to get things back on track. "Now look here Sideburns..."

"Braeburn."

"Whatever. We're kinda in a hurry, so you think maybe we can skip the chit-chat and move forward?"

"You're right, I can't believe I almost fergot!" that's when Braeburn turned around, gave himself a big inhale and shouted, "Hey everypony, them strangers who fell from the sky are here!"

Next thing you know, we were surrounded by the entire towns ponies of Appleloosa! They were all either touching us, asking us questions, or just staring upon us in complete awe. Then things started to get more interesting when the sheriff finally said, "Howdy strangers, name's Sheriff Silverstar. Our good friend Braeburn's been tellin' us a lot about y'all through his cousin's letters; and any friend of Applejack's is a friend of Appleloosa. So if y'all ever need anythin', just let us know."

Andrew wasted no time in making his request. "Can I have your hat?"

The sheriff had a good look at his hat until finally deciding, "Sure, I got plenty of 'em."

As soon as Andrew got his hat, Jonathan knew just what to ask for. "Can I have your badge?"

"Ya mean this here badge that was given ta me ever since the good ponies of Appleloosa chosed me ta be their sheriff?" Sheriff Silverstar also gave his badge a good long look until he took it off and said, "Ah what the hay, I got plenty of 'em."

After he tossed his badge over to Jonathan, it was now my turn. "OK, since we're on the business of having our requests granted, why don't you all form a posse and help rescue a friend of mine from some buffalo?"

All their warm smiles soon turned to cold looks of shock as Braeburn said, "Did you say...buffalo?"

"E'yup," I responded with my Big Mac impersonation while ignoring Braeburn shouting, "Hey, that's what my cousin, Big Macintosh, says!" and also going into more detail over what happened. "Now this may seem a little fucked-up, but a herd of buffalo had just stole a train cart that just happened to have one our friends in."

"And we had an apple tree with us fer yer orchard, but they took that too!" Applejack added.

After giving myself a quick facepalm, I turned to her and said, "Applejack, we've been over this, your tree is not important! It can't speak, think, breath, or walk; but Spike, however, can do all those things. In other words, your tree's well-being--or lack of a well-being I should say--is not a priority!"

"Bloomberg has a name, ya know." Applejack retorted with a huff.

"Applejack, I can take a crap right now and also give it a name, but it wouldn't change the fact that it's just a piece of crap!" I explained to her. "Also, did you not notice the shit ton of apple trees they have in their orchard? They got plenty of them; so really, you shouldn't even be delivering them more trees."

The sheriff, however, had this to say. "I wouldn't necessarily say that we have 'plenty' of apple trees. We may have an ample supply of 'em, but that doesn't really mean that we got plenty of 'em."

I then decided to give the sheriff a fair share of logic. "Sheriff, ample and plenty are the same thing; kinda like horses and ponies."

"Ponies and horses aren't the same thing," the sheriff insisted.

"What are you talking about? Of course they're the same thing."

"No, because horses are much taller than us ponies."

"That maybe true, but horses and ponies both have manes...and they both have hooves, and they both have long muzzles, and they both eat hay, and they both go neigh, and wear horseshoes, and wear saddles, and carry cargo, and kick predators, and plow fields, and shit while they walk, and even refer to themselves as stallions, mares, colts, and fillies. So yeah, if there's more similarities than there are antonyms between two things, then it's kinda obvious that they're the exact same thing! In fact, if you ever look up the term 'pony' in a dictionary, you'd be pleasantly surprised to find that it's defined as: a small horse."

"Well partner, unless ya happen ta have a dictionary with ya ta prove it, we're just gonna have ta assume you're wrong."

"Oh no, he ain't makin' it up," Jonathan spoke in my defense. "It says on Wiktionary that a pony is: any of several small breeds of horses under 14.2 hands."

"What the hay's a Wiktionary?" after Jonathan showed the ponies the Wiktionary definition on his phone, Sheriff Silverstar's mind was mildly blown. "Huh, I guess he proved us wrong."

I then took this chance to remind them of our kidnapped dragon. "Yes, as much as I'd love to revel over the fact that I'm always right, why don't we all cut the chit chat and go rescue our friend from those buffalo?"

"Oh yeah, ya did ask us that," Sheriff Silverstar remembered. "Ya sure ya wouldn't want somethin' else? How 'bout my vest; ya don't need ta worry about me runnin' out, I got plenty of 'em."

"No, I'd much rather have our dragon friend back, safe and sound. You make it sound as if these buffalo are going to be a real problem."

"That's because they are," Braeburn responded. "Them buffalo want us settler ponies ta take every single tree you see here off this land. We put a lot of hard work inta this land, so we can feed our town, our families, and our foals! And now they're sayin' all these trees have ta go?"

"Did you try talking with them about it?" Jonathan asked.

Braeburn was confused by this suggestion. "Ya mean as in...negotiate?"

"Well yeah," Andrew stated, "I mean it's not like these buffalo are telling y'all to hit the trail for no reason."

While the towns ponies were silently doubting Andrew's statement, I had to be the one to break the silence. "You have to excuse us, it's just that we've been under the impression that you ponies live your lives based on friendship. You know, as in always being respectful towards others, never judging people you've just met, and pretty much treat everyone as equals. I mean, you all look like the kind of ponies who would even welcome a zebra to this town, right?"

After letting that information sink in, the sheriff suddenly blurted, "Hay no! We would just purposely avoid her and assume she's a threat!" I noticed that Applejack was giving him a look that kinda says, "Ya ain't makin' us look any better by sayin' that."

"Anyway," I brought them all up to speed, "racism aside, we really want to see our friend to be back, safe and sound. So the sooner you all help us save him, the quicker the eight of us can help you all out with your buffalo problems."

"Uh...don't ya mean seven?" Braeburn corrected me.

What the fuck is he talking about? I thought to myself until I felt Andrew's finger tapping my shoulder. He motioned his head towards the ponies, and that's when I finally realized that not only were they short on one obnoxious, blue braggart, but it would seem that a certain pink blabbermouth was also absent. "Holy shit, how long has Pinkie been gone?!"

"I guess she must've left us while you and I were arguing," Twilight suggested. Upon mentioning this, I gave my patented "Are you serious?!" expression that I have whenever I'm about to chew out one of the ponies for fucking up in someway. Twilight must've been use to this, seeing as how she just let out an annoyed sigh and said, "All right, what did I do wrong this time?"

"You wouldn't let me go after those buffalo (even when Rainbow Dash was already following them), but you're OK with Pinkie going after them?"

"Well it's not like I knew she was going to sneak off like that; this is Pinkie we're talking about!"

"Yeah, it's too bad Pinkie's not with us...I probably could've trade her for Spike."

"Jeffrie!" Fluttershy scolded me.

"What?! It's Pinkie Pie; she never feels miserable." I defended myself. "Besides, it was between either her or Twilight."

It was then Twilight's turn to over-react. "Why me?!"

"You know why," I told her solemnly. "In fact, I was almost considering maybe Rarity. But then I remembered that her over-the-top melodrama amuses me; so I felt she was tolerable...to an extant."

Upon mentioning her name, Rarity had suddenly remembered something important. "Wait a minute, didn't Jeffrie suggest that we defecate while walking just a moment ago?"

But before anyone could into more detail over that, we all heard a voice cry out, "Hi guys!"

This sudden alert had caused my elbow to collide with someone's face! As I was rubbing my elbow, I turned and saw just who it was I just hit. "Oh, it's only Pinkie Pie."

Of course the rest of the ponies were gathering around her and asking if she was OK and what-not. Andrew then asked her the most obvious question, "Hey Pinkie, where's Spike and Rainbow Dash?"

"Oh, they should be coming right about now."

True to her word, we all saw Spike, Rainbow Dash, and some unknown figure, walking to Appleloosa far off in the distance. I wasted no time and rushing onward and quickly went down to my knees and gave Spike a hug. He returned the hug back and said, "Take it easy, Jeffrie. You act like you weren't gonna see me again."

"Well Spike, when I see one of my friends being kidnapped, it kinda makes sense that I worry about you."

"I'm OK now Jeffrie, you got nothing to worry about."

During this touching moment, Rainbow Dash was having the kind of pissed-off reaction that I would usually expect from Jonathan. "Where's my hug?"

"Were you the one who got kidnapped?" I asked.

"No."

"Then you don't need one."

As soon as I decided to release Spike, I found myself coming face to face with the same buffalo whom had taken the caboose from earlier. She was just as tall as the ponies, was covered head to hoof with orange fur, had hair that was short of like a darkish-yellow, and around her head was a headband with a feather attached. "Greetings," she introduced herself. "I'm Little Strongheart; I don't think we actually met, but you might've saw me and some members of my tribe steal a train cart that had your friend onboard."

"Yeah, I remember," I told her. "I gotta be honest, when I saw Spike with that helpless look on his face, I was prepared to smash through mountains, dust storms, and tornadoes just to get him back. And I would've if Twilight hadn't held me back."

"If you're thinking that we took Spike on purpose, I assure you that we were only after the tree."

Spike tugged at my jeans in an attempt to get my attention. "You can trust her, Jeffrie. She and her people never meant to kidnap me in the first place."

Looking upon the pleading look on Spike's face was enough to convince me that he and his new buffalo friend are telling the truth. I then looked at the buffalo girl and gave her my answer. "If Spike trusts you, then I suppose I can as well."

Upon saying this, I turned and noticed that the others had finally caught up with us. Braeburn walked up to Little Strongheart and cautiously asked, "What brings ya ta our little town? Have ya come ta negotiate."

"Oh yes," Strongheart responded with a bit of hope. "On behalf of my tribe, I've come to ask..."

"The land is theirs!" Rainbow Dash interrupted. "You planted the trees in the middle of their stampeding grounds; now you just gotta move 'em."

"They busted their rumps here!" Applejack spoke. "And now they're suppose ta bust their rumps again just 'cause some buffalo won't stampede someplace else?"

They kept on arguing so much that neither Braeburn or Strongheart were given a choice to speak their opinions as well. Seeing as how Applejack's and Rainbow Dash's bickering isn't really going to solve anything, I decided to put an end to it by going Philip Seymour Hoffman on their pony asses. "SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP?! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT, SHUT, SHUT, SHUT, SHUT UP...! SHUT UP!" as soon as everything became silent, I decided to lower my volume. "Now...I can see that both of you are wanting to address the obvious problem, but this is between them, not you. So why don't you two keep your mouths shut and let Braeburn and Little Strongheart speak for themselves, then we can start talking about ways to fix this, OK?"

With that said, Strongheart took a deep breath and then said to Braeburn, "My tribe has always took pride in our sacred stampede rituals. You ponies, however, have made the mistake of planting trees that block our way to the stampeding grounds. Which is why I've come to ask you to plant your trees somewhere else."

It was then Braeburn's turn to speak. "I'm sorry if we've made this a problem fer y'all, but the reason we chose ta plant our tree orchard over there is because it's the only flat land around this desert. So if we were ta just leave and look fer another place ta build our town, we wouldn't be able ta plant any new trees."

"Well can't there be someway for Appleloosa and the buffalo tribe to compromise?" Twilight asked.

"Of course there is, isn't it obvious?" I responded. "They can just share the land."

Braeburn and Strongheart were both staring at me as if I slapped a kick me sign on my back. "What'cha mean by 'share'?" Braeburn finally asked.

I then gave him a description. "You know, share: as in living together as friends (which again, you ponies claim to be all about). Like what if you ponies were to make a little dirt path that'll help the buffalo get to their stampeding grounds without having to take down all your trees? That might work."

"I don't know," Braeburn said with doubt. "That idea sounds like it's too good ta be true."

"What if the Buffalo just make themselves a new stampeding ground?" Jonathan suggested. "This desert clearly has tons of space for them to stampede, so what difference does it make if they no longer go the same route?"

"You don't understand," Little Strongheart explained. "My father, Chief Thunderhooves, is very traditional; he would never be lenient towards change that easily."

"Well you're all gonna have to find some middle-ground somehow," I said. "You can't expect to keep fighting forever."

This is when Pinkie Pie started tapping my head and saying, "Oh Jeffrie, Jeffrie, Jeffrie, you can clearly see that talking isn't gonna solve anything. There's only way to get through to them."

"What?"

She then looked at Spike. "Spike, you can play the piano, right?"

An hour later, all the ponies and the entire buffalo tribe were crowding around a stage, waiting for what Pinkie is about to tell them all. I was sitting between Sheriff Silverstar and Chief Thunderhooves when Spike started to push some piano keys. Then the curtains rise as everyone watched Pinkie coming out of a clam and wearing either a saloon gal or southwestern whore outfit. What the fuck is she wearing? I thought while also trying my best not to laugh out loud.

But my mirth was slowly turning into misery the second Pinkie had opened her mouth and started to do the most painful thing imaginable: SINGING! I couldn't believe that Pinkie would be cruel enough to torture everyone's ears with a sodomized, half-assed, butchered musical number that sounds like it came out of the ass of Carebears and was then eaten by a Teletubby. What has anyone here done to deserve this? All they wanted was a solution to their conflict; not to have to listen to such a generic song with repetitive lyrics. The parts where she sings, "You gotta share! You gotta care!" was really making my brain feel like it was being drilled. The sad thing is, I couldn't do anything to stop it. All I could do was suffer with everyone else while tragic Platoon music was playing in my head.

When the tortue finally came to an end, I felt like that I owe the sheriff and buffalo chief an apology. "I'm sorry that you both had to sit through that. I honestly have no idea why any of us thought that Pinkie could solve your problem with that God awful song, but you two at least sort of get what you have to do, right?"

After much contemplation, Chief Thunderhooves gave his answer. "I agree with the human...that was the worst performance we've ever seen. Furthermore, I understand now what we must do. Our stampede will start at high noon tomorrow. And if the orchard is still there, we'll flatten it...and the whole town!"

The sheriff then gave the chief his retort. "And we Appleloosans say you'd better bring yer best, 'cause we'll be ready and waitin'!"

"Hold it!" I raised both my hands. "That's not what I was suggesting! I said 'share the land', not kill each other for it!"

"I'm sorry, but this is our only option." Said Thunderhooves.

"No it's not," I insisted. "You can literally just share this desert without having to fight each other. Is it because of Pinkie? If that's the case, then I promise you that she won't come back if you two just make peace."

"Only one of us can keep this land," Sheriff Silverstar said. "And there is no middle-ground that can stop us."

"Have you two even been listening to me?!" I was starting to get irritated. "Because I'm telling you all that you can settle this without fighting, and yet you two seem to be very eager to go to war!"

"This isn't something we want to do," Thungerhooves replied. "This is something we have to do."

With that said, the buffalo and Appleloosans we heading their seperate ways to prepare for war, while me, the guys, Spike, and some of the ponies were each giving Pinkie Pie a death glare.

The next day, the guys and I were on a rooftop with Spike and the ponies as we awaited for this war between the buffalo and the Appleloosans to begin. You probably might be wondering what they're going to fight with (and it's not guns, that's for sure). No, they have a more powerful weapon than a firearm, and it's pie! Yes, you've read it correctly; these ponies are going to defend their town, with fucking pie! You know, these ponies can't really refer to themselves as cowboys if they don't even have guns. And if these ponies like to sing so much, then they should be singing about the joys and wonder of a winchester repeater or a carbine rifle.

But that bit of stupidity will have to be put aside seeing as how the buffalo have finally come. When the ponies of Appleloosa laid eyes upon this buffalo army, they immediately started to tremble in fear. In other words, these ponies are about as battle-hardened as Joffrey.

However, we all noticed that Chief Thunderhooves and Sheriff Silverstar might be finally coming to their senses. Each of them were having this understanding look that kinda says, "You know what, maybe we shouldn't fight." It looked like that peace between the ponies and buffalo was closer than we thought...until.

"You gotta share! You gotta care!"

Dammit Pinkie! Yep, just when we thought everything was going to be settled, Pinkie had to go and piss off the buffalo and make them go on a rampage! As much as I was hoping for that pink idiot to get trampled to death for making things worse, she instead was just cast aside. But when Twilight teleported her back to the rooftop, I was quick to chew that bimbo's head off. "Fool of a pony! Get yourself trampled next time and rid us of your stupidity!"

Normally her friends would probably get on to me for yelling at her like that, but they were all to busy looking at the battle that was in front of them. Buffalo crashing through any obstacles, while ponies were throwing pies in their faces, it would seem that it might never end. But it all did...in less than a minute. Everyone suddenly stopped when they saw Chief Thunderhooves get splattered by a pie. We all gathered around him as Little Strongheart and everyone--except me and the guys--started to get teary for some reason.

"You know he's not dead, right?" I pointed out.

"You mean he's alive?" Strongheart asked.

"Of course he is," I assured. "Nobody dies from getting a pie to the face."

As I was saying this, a piece of pie had made its way to the chief's mouth and that's when he had a realization. "We...will allow the apple orchard to stay in exchange for a share of its fruit, heh...those...delicious apple pies!"

Upon hearing this, I was getting closer and closer to snap. "Are you fucking kidding me?! You were ready to wripe out an entire town for your stampeding grounds, and yet pie is what changes your mind?!"

"Well yes, I mean have you not tasted this pie? What made you think I would rather have our stampeding grounds over this?"

"Because your daughter said that you're all about traditions and not accepting towards change."

"Oh who needs traditions when we have pie; besides, it's not like there was another way to prevent war between us."

This is when my boiling point reached its limit. "YOU. ARE. A. TWAT! You never needed these fucking pies to live in peace with these ponies, you could've done that the whole time! I have been literally telling you all this since day one!"

Chief Thunderhooves just gave me a sympathetic look as he said, "You are a sad, strange little creature, and you have my pitty." As soon as he was given his fair share of pies, he said, "Farewell." And then he and his tribe went back to their home.
"Oh yeah? Well good ridance, you sellout!" I shouted. "God, and I thought these ponies make no fucking sense!"

Andrew try to calm me down. "OK Jeffrie, just relax."

"No Andrew!" I slapped his hand away. "No! This is not something I can just overlook! We've been living here for over a year, and these ponies still make no fucking sense! First they say they believe in friendship, then they decide to not show any of that to a zebra! Twilight is the Element of Magic, and yet she always forgets that she has a teleporting spell! They have no problem rescuing Rarity from dogs, and yet they just stand there when Spike almost drowns! This whole world is devoid of all logic; it makes Wonderland look like reality! And now they expect us to believe that the only way buffaloes will live in peace with these ponies is to give them pie?! FUCKING PIE?! Who the fuck is crazy enough to use not having pie as an excuse to go to war!"

Jonathan was then like, "Shh, shh, it's OK Jeffrie. I know this whole world is insane, but it's all over now. Look, there's the train to Ponyville; you want to go home?"

I simply nodded while he and Andrew were leading me to the train that would take us home.