Of Vodka and Cider

by UglyTurnip

First published 1st of July, 2014

When Dempsey accidentally fires a Wunderwaffe shot at a teleporter that Nikolai is inside of, it sends him to Equestria! At first, things seem bad for the Russian. But what happens when he meets Berry Punch? Crossover with COD Zombies

Story starts out fairly light-hearted, but later on, dark moments begin to seep in. The gore tag is used to describe the deaths of non-sentient creatures in moderate detail. The sex tag is for mild sexual humor, no r34. I do not believe the content in the story requires a Mature rating.

Note: This Story is not meant to be taken completely seriously. This is a semi-parody of Crossovers, Human X Pony, and Human in Equestria. That being said, please feel free to point out any unlampshaded plotholes or anything of that nature. Also, please DO criticize this story if you don't like it, because I feel like I need more constructive criticism.

During Der Riese, Nikolai and Dempsey are backed up and separated from Takeo and Richtofen. To make things worse, Nikolai is suffering from a terrible hangover and is unfit for combat. Dempsey manages to fight on, until he runs out of ammo. In desperation, he switches to his Wunderwaffe, but misfires, hits the teleporter, and sends Nikolai to Equestria.

At first, the drunk Russian does not feel very happy having to spend the rest of his life in a land of "girly, rainbow-farting" ponies. However, when he meets the town drunk, Berry Punch, he hits it off well with her, and they become fast friends, but Nikolai feels something in his gut, something he never felt before to anyone, not even his past nine wives. Could he actually be falling for Berry Punch?

Meanwhile, Dempsey and Richtofen work on a way to bring back Nikolai to their world, despite Takeo's protests. Will they find a way to bring back their lost friend? And what if he doesn't want to come back

Crossover with the Call of Duty Zombies series.

Of Ponies and Drunks

Author's Notes:

Well, what a strange concept, Nikolai and Berry Punch. Well, it's a long story involving a joke that my friend named Marc made about how they were perfect for each other

And a lightbulb clicked above my head.

And this story was born. More chapters will be coming soon, and I can't wait to work on this story.

And of course, there's fourth wall-breaking. It IS a humor-based story, after all.

Of Vodka and Cider

Chapter 1: Of Ponies and Drunks

The night sky over the factory shimmered as the three super soldiers and their mad doctor went about slaying zombies. Tank Dempsey was standing next to the STG-44, utilizing the corner for wiping out the approaching zed. Not too far from the American was one of his comrades, Nikolai Belisnki, who was clutching his head in obvious pain. He sat in Teleporter C, not even aware of the surrounding zombies.

"Ugh, stop shooting!" Nikolai shouted irritably at his nearby friend. "Nikolai needs some peace and quiet!"

"I know you're hungover, Nikolai," Dempsey shot back, "But we have freakbags to take care of first!" He shook his head. In his eyes, Nikolai's constant state of drunkeness was one of the biggest liabilities the group had to deal with. Now, for once, Nikolai was actually sober, but it was having an opposite effect, a grisly hangover. The drunk Russian's MP40 was not even in his hands, laying softly on the ground next to him. Dempsey had to deal with the approaching zombies himself, with no backup.

Takeo and Richtofen were nowhere nearby, but a pair of distant gunshots was audible, signaling that they were still around somewhere in the factory. Dempsey, as much as he hated to admit it, would have loved some backup right now. The zombies were getting out of control, even with his . 357 Magnum and Speed Cola.

"Takeo! Richtofen!" The American called out. No response from either.

"Shit," he grumbled. "I could use some help here, guys!" Dempsey announced into the surrounding air. Still no response. His voice was likely drowned out by the gunfire of the three shooters.

"Nikolai! Work with me here!" Dempsey half-ordered and half-pleaded. His magnum had just clicked, and the zombies were approaching the drunk Russian. It would only be a few seconds before they got to Nikolai.

In a moment of desperation, Dempsey drew his backup weapon, a Wunder-Waffe DG-2. He only had a few shots left for emergencies, but this definitely was an emergency. Nikolai, drunk as he could be, was still a valuable asset to the team, an he could not be killed. Dempsey wasted no time pulling the trigger that fired a bolt of lightning intended for the front-most zombie in the line.

What happened next was all due to a misfire.

The lightning bolt did not hit its intended target, but rather the teleporter itself. The machine began to sputter and blare a loud alarm. Any zombie that still tried to enter it was inexplicably zapped.

"Ohhhhh," Nikolai muttered, intrigued by the blinking red light inside the teleporter. "Such pretty red light."

"Nikolai! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" A shrill German voice bellowed distantly. Dempsey's head turned to the entrance of the room they were in as Richtofen entered, followed by a silent Takeo. Tank began to grow a worried expression on his face. Richtofen immediately threw down his weapon and sprinted to the teleporter, but was too late. He was thrown back onto the ground. There was nothing he could do.

The teleporter fired a strange blood-red lighting that surrounded Nikolai. However, the drunk Russian did not seem to be affected by the element. Instead he began to laugh. Dempsey and Richtofen watched helplessly and fearfully, not knowing what would happen to the drunk. Nikolai took note of this and simply gave them a shrug.

"What? It tickles!"

Takeo simply watched with growing boredom, still showing little interest in the matter. This should be expected from the man who shared a bitter rivalry with the drunk Russian. He was the only one not showing any sort of concern for Nikolai's safety.

And then, in a flash of light, Nikolai and the teleporter suddenly vanished from sight.

"Our team has been purged of dishonor," Takeo muttered, trying not to crack a smile and dance happily.

Richtofen just stood there, not saying anything to anyone, his eye twitching slightly.

"Uh, are you OK, doc?" Dempsey asked.

"NEIN! NEIN! NEIN!" He shouted at the roof above. "My grand scheme is ruined!"

"Uh, how exactly did your 'grand scheme' get ruined?" Dempsey inquired.

"Because we need four players to do the Shrangri-La Easter Egg!" Richtofen began to sob loudly. Dempsey and Takeo exchanged confused glances.

Meanwhile, Nikolai and the teleporter were sent to several universes that simply did not want the drunk in their presence.

For example, when sent to the universe of Courage the Cowardly Dog, Nikolai and Courage simply screamed wildly at each other, the dog scared of the drunk Russian, and the Russian scared of the CGI King Ramses that was behind Courage. Luckily, Nikolai was then sent away before the King could curse him, too.

It was one cartoon universe after another, with Nikolai always screaming at the characters for no reason.

Eventually, the teleporter appeared in the Everfree Forest in Equestria, and proceeded to shut down. Nikolai peeped out of the teleporter, and upon seeing no life forms, uttered a weak "Hello?"

Fearful that there may be zombies here, too, and now somewhat over his headache, Nikolai grabbed his MP40 and began to slowly walk out of the teleporter.

"Wow, it's darker than my home during my first marriage, first wife looked too much like Nikolai!" He talked to himself, still thinking that the others were with him. He looked around, expecting a response from someone.

"Oh, yeah, I'm alone. Great."

Fluttershy was happily attending to her plants and animals outside, gently singing a melody to calm the animals. She truly was one with nature, with all the animals she had. Celestia had raised the sun to reveal another cloudless, sunny day. The pegasi had not scheduled a rain until the weekend, so there was watering that needed to be done. Fluttershy went about her work, still quietly singing to herself.

"Finally!" She heard a voice with a noticeable Stalliongrad accent."I can see a light. Nikolai has conquered you, hell-forest!" Fluttershy immediately began to show interest in this distant voice, coming from the nearby edges of the Everfree Forest. Nopony in town that she knew had such a strong Stalliongrad accent. Whoever it was must be from out of town, but what was he doing inside the Everfree Forest?

She hovered quietly next to the edges of the forest, but did not go into it. "Um, hello?" She squeaked.

"A voice!" Nikolai perked up, still inside the forest and currently not in Fluttershy's sight. "Hello, my name is Nikolai. Where is the vodka?"

"Wawdka?" Fluttershy asked, confused. "Uh, I'm sorry, I truly am, but, I don't know what wawdka is."

"Oh, how could you NOT know about vodka?! It's the nectar of the gods!"

"You mean, Goddesses, uh, right?" Fluttershy thought this guy seemed a little crazy. Could he be suffering from a heat-caused delusion? It was a hot day, after all. . .

"No, gods, actually, one god, Nikolai is monotheistic," the Russian corrected himself.

Mono-wha? It's a proven fact that both Celestia and Luna are female Goddesses. This guy must really be nutty. Fluttershy decided that she would invite this poor stallion into her cottage for a drink and cool-off. That should cure the heat delusions.

"Listen, uh, Nikolai wasn't it? Sorry if I got it wrong!" She quickly added.

"Yes, Nikolai, what do you need, young lady?"

"How about you come with me into my cottage for a drink and cool air? If that's OK with you, of course!"

Nikolai, obviously thinking that by 'drink', she meant 'alcoholic beverage' instantly jumped out of the forest happily.

"Of course, young lad-"

He was instantly cut off by the rather surprisingly quiet scream of a yellow pegasus with a pink mane, which quickly flew back in fear.

Wait, a yellow pegasus? Nikolai realized that he had probably drank too much again. He shrugged carelessly.

Fluttershy was absolutely terrified by the. . . Creature that was in front of her. She scrambled for words to say, but all that came out were a few whimpers. It wasn't helping that Nikolai was still carrying his MP40.

Nikolai flashed a friendly smile, confused by why the creature was scared of him. "Don't worry, I'm not a zombie."

Fluttershy stopped whimpering long enough to say "Zombie?"

"Yeah, you know, zombies," there was an awkward pause. "I'm not one."

More awkward silence followed, Fluttershy was now more confused than fearful. Perhaps she should also invite Twilight over. If there was anyone who would know about rare creatures like this, it would be her.

"So, um, lead the way," Nikolai insisted. "Nikolai is... Lost."

Fluttershy nodded, deciding to trust that the creature was friendly. "Of course, follow me. . . If that's OK with you."

"Da!" Nikolai interjected happily, slightly startling Fluttershy again. "Oh, sorry, yellow pony."

Fluttershy politely opened the door for Nikolai, and they stepped inside her humble abode. She led him to her couch, and allowed him to sit down. He did so. Fluttershy noted that he reeked of alcohol, dirt, and. . . Was that. . . Blood?!

Still somehow managing her polite smile, she squeaked out "Just relax for a little while, and I bring out the drinks.

"Sounds like good plan, little pony," Fluttershy smiled, this creature at least gave off a friendly vibe. Nikolai yawned.

And not long after Fluttershy left the room, he was fast asleep.

Richtofen finally regained composure and eyed Dempsey.

"You need to fix this mess, American. It is all your fault!"

"What?" Dempsey asked. "Why just me?"

"Not just you," Richtofen corrected with a sly smile. "Me and you."

"What about him?" Dempsey pointed at Takeo, who sat in a corner, trying to pick his nose without anyone looking.

"He hates Nikolai too much," Richtofen reasoned. "He might even try to sabotage our efforts,"

"Hey!" Takeo angrily interjected. "I can hear this dishonorable conversation."

"Shut up, you're the least liked character by the fans!"

Takeo just simply crossed his arms and pouted.

Dempsey changed the conversation back to the problem at hand. "What do we do about Nikolai?"

"Hmm, oh yes! I hypothesize that if element 115 can cause warping, maybe we can fix a device to home in on the teleporter, and find Nikolai. There's no telling where he ended up."

"And how will that work, exactly?"

Richtofen threw his hands up in the air, but retained a crazy smile. "I don't know! But that will be the fun part!" Dempsey was unnerved by the doctor's grin.

He sighed. This would take awhile.

Of Marshmallows and Rainbow Hair

". . . Don't know. . . Came out of forest. . . Seems friendly. . . We do with him?"

Nikolai began to stir from his nap, and his eyes fluttered open as he simultaneously let out a sharp yawn. He sat up and breathed a sigh of relieved.

"Ugh," Nikolai groaned as he stretched. "Dempsey, I had a dream where I met a yellow pony and she invited me over for vodka. My mind must be-" Nikolai tilted his head where he thought Dempsey was, only to see the yellow pony, along with five other differently colored ones. His expression did not change. They all eyed him with various levels of curiosity.

"Crap. OK, I think I'll just go back to sleep, good night everybody!" He waved dismissively before laying back onto the couch.

"Wait!" The purple one ordered, stopping the movement of the now sober Russian.

"Eh, what is it, purple one? Nikolai needs more sleep. . . Or maybe a drink," he chuckled the last part to himself. Nevertheless, he did manage to sit up and give attention to the alicorn among them.

"So, Nikolai was it? I'm Twilight Sparkle. Pleased to meet you," she smiled diplomatically at the Russian, who just gave her a bored stare. Twilight glanced around, the awkwardness in the room so thick you could have cut it with Takeo's samurai sword.

"Hello. . . Twilight Sparkle? What kind of name is that?" Nikolai seemed to seriously ponder this.

"What kind of name is Nikolai?" One of the other ponies, a cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane and tail, shot back.

"It's normal where I came from, rainbow hair," Nikolai replied, his tone getting defensive.

"And where in Celestia's name would that be?" The cyan pegasus asked, irritated. "And do NOT call me rainbow hair!" She added with growl.

Nikolai gave thought to whether he should test her resolve, but he decided it wouldn't be worth it, especially if all six of the ponies decided to gang up on him. He answered truthfully. "The Soviet Union." The ponies gave each other confused glances, obviously they never heard of such a land.

"Wherever that place is, it sure has a revolting sense of fashion," The white unicorn commented, eyeing Nikolai's blood-tattered Red Army military attire. "Burning that outfit would be doing it a favor."

Nikolai, now eyeing her in particular, chuckled merrily. "Hey, white one. You look like a big marshmallow."

The unicorn wasn't sure if that was a compliment, or an insult. She did not reply, either way.

"Ya' certainly look weird," an orange pony with a strong southern accent added her two cents.

"And so do you, orange hick horse."

The earth pony gasped at the insulting nickname, and changed her curious stare to an outright glare.

"Enough!" Twilight stomped her hoof, hoping to defuse any tension before things got really bad. She turned to Nikolai. "Can you tell us your story?" She requested politely.

Nikolai opened his mouth to tell his story, albeit with a lot more drama and self-praising (Not to mention painting Takeo as a cowardly fool) than the truth, when he heard a loud gasp. The pink pony, the only one that hadn't said anything yet cut him off.

"Wait! I wanna guess!" She insisted. Nikolai shrugged, even though she would get it wrong anyway.

The pink pony pondered deep in thought, saying nothing, before finally. . . Snapping her hoof? "Aha! I got it! You are from a world where the dead have risen to attack the living, thanks to the madness of two German scientists, one of them you know. Your story actually began on a frozen battlefield, where you met two other agents from different nations sent to seize one of the German scientists. Wanting to claim the prize for your homeland, you threatened to kill them both, but couldn't, because the dead attacked," the pony paused to gasp air. "You ended up escaping, and so did the other three. Fast forward 27 years, and the German scientist has gone insane, and captured you, one of the other agents, and a random agent from another nation. But the scientist was loco, I mean, REALLY loco, and killed the random agent. So they brought in another test subject, which happened to be the other agent from all those years ago! He experimented on you three, and made you turn into a massive alcoholic! Then, you three followed him to a swamp, and a factory! Then, one agent accidentally fired a weapon that warped a machine to this universe, and that's how you got here!" She ended with a bright smile.

"Pinkie, that's a ridiculous assumption," Twilight rolled her eyes, annoyed at the hyperactivity of her friend. She turned back to Nikolai and flashed a knowing smirk. "Now, Nikolai, the real story? Nikolai?"

The Russian simply sat, wide-eyed. "How? How did pink pony know!?"

Twilight's snarky smirk dropped into a look of shock. What were the odds?! Pinkie just continued flashing her perky grin, oblivious to how amazing it was for her to correctly guess all that.

Nikolai decided to inform the ponies of the full names of the other three super-soldiers. "The others were Tank Dempsey, the American Agent, Dr. Edward Richtofen, the German, and," Nikolai pondered the name of the last agent, which of course was his arch-rival Takeo. "I think the last one was Takeo Mudsaki, wait, Masaki."

"You got to admit," rainbow hair spoke again. "Those are some weird names."

"So is Twilight Sparkle, rainbow hair," Nikolai countered with a deadpan expression.

The cyan pegasus let out a groan. "It's Rainbow Dash!" She cried in frustration.

"Oh, Rainbow Dash, yep, weird. Are you perhaps a homosexual? Nikolai doesn't judge."

Rainbow Dash's cyan face flushed a bright red, shocked by the Russian's sudden assumption. "What? No! Twilight, can I hit this guy? Please?"

Twilight eyed Rainbow Dash and shook her head. "No, Rainbow, he's just experiencing a little. . . Culture shock," she leaned in closer and whispered so Nikolai couldn't hear. "Also, that thing on the table might be a weapon of some kind," she nodded at Nikolai's MP40, which quietly lied on the nearby table.

She turned back to Nikolai. "I guess we should introduce the rest of us. Who's up first?" She turned and asked all the other ponies except Rainbow.

Orange hick pony was the first to step up. She managed a friendly grin. "Ah' guess we got off on tha' wrong foot, pard'ner. Ah'm Applejack. Nice to meetcha'!" She extended a friendly hoof and found a way to vigorously shake his hand.

Nikolai arched an eyebrow. "Oh ho ho, a pony named after an alcoholic drink. Nikolai thinks we shall get along famously, Applejack!"

"Uh, likewise," Applejack responded, unsure of Nikolai's priorities. She eyed the white pony, who had decided that she would go next, and nodded. As Applejack stepped back, the white pony took her place.

The unicorn cleared her throat, trying her best to focus on Nikolai himself and not his outfit.

"Uh. . ."

"Is there a problem, white pony?"

Rarity finally shook her head back into focus. "Oh, sorry! No problem at all! And please, call me Rarity. It is my name, after all. How about later, I'll make you an outfit to replace that hideous stitching? My treat!" She was obviously still physically disturbed by his clothing.

"No thanks, Rarity, this is my Red Army uniform. I can't just get rid of it, it would soil my name."

"Well, if I ever meet this 'Red Army', I'll be sure to give them some fashion tips," she frowned, a look of determination burned in her eyes. "They NEED some!" She started to move away, but turned her head back to face Nikolai. "If you happen to change your mind, I run the Carousel Boutique in town. I'm sure I could whip up something that would suit your taste."

"Da, OK, who's next?" Nikolai impatiently acknowledged her offer. His eyes narrowed when he saw the pink one bounce her way up to him.

"Oh, it's you, pink pony. Tell me, how did you know my story?"

"Hmm. Lucky guess?" Pinkie truthfully stated.

Nikolai's eyes narrowed even more, not believing her at all.

"What? Oh, of course! I haven't introduced myself! Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie! And I know we're just going to be the bestest of friends! Oh, I know! I'll throw you a 'Welcome to our Universe!' Party! It will be great! Everyone in Ponyville will get to meet you!" She bounced over to Twilight. "Wouldn't it be great, Twilight? Huh?"

Nikolai, once again thinking that the party would provide alcohol, quickly smiled and nodded his head, forgetting about Pinkie's incredible guessing skills. "Nikolai loves you, Pink pon-. . . Pinkie!"

Twilight was still serious as ever, but she did manage a nod and small smile. "Sure Pinkie, a party will be nice, I'm sure Nikolai would appreciate it very much."

"Of course! Nikolai always loves a good drink. . . I mean, party! Yeah!" Nikolai exclaimed. He looked over the ponies in the room, and noticed that the yellow one was absent.

"Hey, where did yellow pony go?" Nikolai asked. "I liked her, she was cute."

The other five ponies looked around for Fluttershy, who had apparently slipped our when nobody was looking. However, as if on cue, Fluttershy walked into the cottage, balancing a silver tray with seven glasses of water on it. She smiled warmly at her friends and Nikolai.

"I hope it's OK with everyone, but I slipped out and grabbed some drinks for everyone."

"Hello, yellow pony! Nikolai bids you warm greeting."

"Uh, you can call me Fluttershy, unless it bothers you too much."

"It's nice to see you again, Fluttershy!" Pinkie also bid a warm welcome to her timid friend.

"Thanks, Pinkie," Fluttershy acknowledged as she set a glass in everyone's lap.

Nikolai took a sip from his cup, still thinking it was clear alcohol. Upon tasting clean spring water, however, he impulsively spat it out. . . All over Rainbow's face.

"Is there a problem, Nikolai?" Twilight asked, still being polite despite their guest being less-than-tact."

"This is worse vodka ever! Tastes like trench water!"

"That's because it IS water, silly!" Pinkie informed Nikolai. "Fluttershy doesn't drink."

Fluttershy looked ashamed of herself, and Rainbow Dash was glaring daggers at Nikolai. The only one in the room retaining a smile was Pinkie Pie.

"Oh, Fluttershy," Nikolai felt bad about what he just did. "Nikolai apologizes for his outburst. He just gets a little. . . Emotional, without vodka."

Fluttershy smiled again. "It's OK, Nikolai, I accept your apology."

"Hey, what about me?" Rainbow Dash exclaimed after not hearing an apology for spitting water on her face.

Nikolai faced her, put on a blank expression, and replied. "I do not like you, Rainbow Hair."

He turned back to Fluttershy, who was now giving him a angry glare that bore right into his very soul.

"But perhaps it was impolite of me to spit on you, Rainbow Dash," he added. Fluttershy quickly stopped glaring and smiled again. Nikolai quickly gulped down the rest of the water so as to not incur Fluttershy's wrath again.

"Oooooooooo, what does this do?" Pinkie Pie asked, picking up Nikolai's MP40. Nikolai immediately went wide-eyed.

"Pinkie! No!" He exclaimed, but Pinkie already put her hoof on the trigger, causing the gun to fire. Bullets spouted out of the weapon, luckily aimed higher than the heads of the ponies and Russian. After the clip was emptied, Pinkie looked up to see exactly 32 bullets holes inside Fluttershy's cottage. All of the other five ponies cowered behind furniture, while Nikolai had hit the deck.

Pinkie quickly put the gun down, and gave an embarrassed grin. "Oopsie. . ."

Author's Notes:

All I got I say is I hope I wrote the ponies in character.

Of Wall-Breaking and Party Planning

Richtofen dug through mound after mound of trash around the factory, hoping to find what he was looking for among the scraps of debris that littered the abandoned facility. The insane German scientist had a look of serious determination stuck on his face like glue, despite the fact that his conscience was telling him to forget about Nikolai and move on with the other two.

"Nien. . ." Richtofen groaned. "Nothing."

Dempsey searched a pile behind him, furiously digging through garbage. Where as Richtofen saw Nikolai as only an asset, to Dempsey, Nikolai was a friend, a comrade, no matter how annoying he could be. He would get him back. He'd make sure of it.

"Are you even sure the device blueprints are even here, doc?" Dempsey asked as he continued to push through another pile of worthless garbage.

"Ja," Richtofen replied to his rival, not even turning to face him. "Just keep looking, and stop asking questions, you stupid monkey!"

Dempsey frowned at Richtofen's back talk, and continued looking for the necessary component needed.

"Don't worry, Nikolai," Dempsey said to himself more than the drunk Russian, who couldn't hear him anyway. "We'll bring you back hear. I promise."

. . .

"You should be more careful, Pinkie!" Rainbow Dash warned her best friend. "That thing could have hurt us!"

"Da, Pinkie, that was a weapon. It's a good thing nobody was hurt," Nikolai chewed her out.

"What were you doing with a weapon, Mr. Nikolai?" Twilight turned to face the drunk, a look of suspicion, but not outright hostility, etched on her face.

"Duh, killing zombies, of course! That was my last clip anyway, I have nothing else to kill anything with."

Twilight remembered that Pinkie had mentioned something about how Nikolai came from a world where the dead were attacking the living. The thought of such a harsh world made her shiver a little. She noted that Nikolai was more rude and goofy than battle-hardened and mean, though. Though still not entirely convinced that he was harmless, Twilight didn't really have any evidence to prove he was a bad guy, and he WAS being cooperative.

She would report to Celestia about this particular human. It seems that his world was different from the one she had entered to retrieve her crown. That world was different, too, but at least it had been more friendly.

But that was for a later time. Nikolai would have to stay in Ponyville for now. It was the only option they could provide.

Maybe one of the ponies in town would take pity on the alcoholic, world-traversing, human that was in her presence. . . Or not. He smelt like he had swam through a bloody sea of alcohol. It wasn't exactly a pleasant odor.

Yet, despite all this, Pinkie and Fluttershy seemed to like him, and Applejack seemed willing to give him a chance. Perhaps even Rarity would warm up to him, if he ever decided to take her up on her offer, and shower more regularly.

She wondered to herself what the other two agents and the scientist were like. Were they like Nikolai? Had they mentally snapped and reverted to similar personalities? Or were they WORSE? Pinkie did say something about Dr. Richtofen being crazy already, and Nikolai had not denied it. If those two were in a group together, she could only imagine that Tank and Takeo were just as bad.

The sound of a door creaking open snapped Twilight back out of her deep thought. Nikolai stood just outside the entrance of Fluttershy's cottage, with Pinkie Pie directly to his left. They appeared to be engaged in friendly conversation with Fluttershy, who held open the door for the two of them.

"Are you sure you don't want to come with us, yellow pon-, I mean, Fluttershy? Nikolai does not mind your company."

"I appreciate the offer, Nikolai, I really do, but I have some work to do around the house, and I got animals to take care of. I hope you understand."

"Of course, Fluttershy, fourth wife made Nikolai do all of the house work. I never got to hang out with friends. Lazy one, she was," he grumbled the last part quietly to himself before turning to Pinkie. "So, I guess it's just you and Nikolai on this trip, Pinkie."

Rainbow Dash raised a hoof. "I've got the cloud-clearing covered for the day. I could help out with the party, I guess."

"Eh? But you hate Nikolai," the drunk Russian commented.

Rainbow Dash nodded. "I've got nothing better to do. At least I can talk to Pinkie."

Twilight decided this would be a good opportunity to study Nikolai's behavior. "Spike's taking care of the library while I'm out. I can come help, too. What about you two?" She turned and asked Rarity and Applejack with a smile.

"I, um, appreciate the offer, but I'm afraid I must get back to the Boutique. I will have to work late tonight if I want to make time to sew Nikolai a fabulous outfit."

"Like I said, Rarity, Nikolai does not-"

Rarity stared straight into Nikolai's eyes with a determined fire still burning inside them. She would make Nikolai an outfit, whether he liked it or not.

Applejack shook her head, too. "Ah'm gonna need to go home an' help Applebloom with some chores, sorry."

"Okee dokey lokey! Just be sure that you can make it for the party tonight!" Pinkie beamed.

"Tonight?! A little soon, don't you think?" Nikolai asked the optimistic pink pony.

"Trust me, Pinkie Pie parties are legendary, and word spreads quickly once it gets out. I bet half the town would know by sundown," Twilight added, complimenting Pinkie's skills.

"Oh, Pinkie must have serious connections. How many times has she married?" He asked, thinking Pinkie had become popular in the same way he had.

Twilight gave him a look of disappointment. "Do people in your world only marry for power and status?"

"No, well, not always, anyway. Nikolai had ambition, to rise through the ranks of the Communist Party. Such progress by the common man required charisma, or establishing connections."

"Communism? Isn't that where the government controls all property?" Pinkie asked both.

"Yes, and personally I think it's a load of-"

Suddenly, without any logical explanation whatsoever, a voice boomed.

"Now, now, Twilight, the readers might get their jimmies rustled," UglyTurnip warned as he shamelessly self-inserted himself into the shape of a tannish colored stallion with a blue mane, covered by a black hat. His cutie mark was a turnip, covered with a troll face.

"But you're the one writing in what I say!" Twilight yelled in frustration.

There was a brief silence. "Touché," The politically incorrect author nodded. "Well, I guess I'll just. . . Go. Sorry for interrupting."

Once again, the author avatar randomly vanished into thin air with no explanation.

"If this ever gets a TV Tropes page," Pinkie Pie commented. "He'll never live it down."

"But what are the chances of that happening?" Nikolai added. "His writing is not the best."

"I just find it ironic that he's insulting himself in his writing," Twilight smiled. "Anyway, let's get back to business."

"Oh, yes! What's your favorite type of cake, Nikolai? Do you like chocolate? No, you look more like a vanilla guy. . . Do you like ice cream?"

As Pinkie continued to bombard Nikolai with questions, he tried to answer her questions, but she would end up answering them for him. Ironically enough, she hit every question with perfect accuracy.

"Do you like punch? I bet you would. Or, are you more of a milk fan?"

"Actually, Nikolai would love vodka most of all. Do you have some?"

"Oh, you're lucky, Nikolai! A shipment from Stalliongrad came in not too long ago. You should see that city, everypony is drunk and everypony speaks with an accent just like yours!"

"Heheheh," Nikolai chuckled. "Sounds like Stalingrad, before the war at least."

"War?" Pinkie asked, frowning. "War is bad."

"The Zombie War?" Twilight asked, assuming that was what Nikolai was referencing.

"No, the war with the Nazis."

Nikolai proceeded to tell them the story of the Red Army, the Wehrmacht, the Imperial Army, and the US Marine Raiders. He also mentioned that Dempsey was a Raider, Takeo was an Imperial Army Captain, and Richtofen was a high-ranking officer in the Wehrmacht. By the time he had finished the story of the World War, and how it ended in victory for the Red Army and Marine Raiders, Pinkie and Twilight were frowning at all the depressive destruction they were hearing about. Not to mention that the zombies rose not even a year after the German surrender.

"From the sound of it, Nikolai, your world is nasty!" Pinkie exclaimed. "It's a good thing you're in Equestria now!" She hugged the Russian. "I wouldn't want anything to happen to one of my friends."

"Friends? We just met."

Pinkie chuckled. "Everypony I meet is my friend, silly willy!"

"Truthfully, Nikolai does not like the sound of living in a land of ponies," He shivered at the thought. "Girly, rainbow-farting, butt-tattooed, ponies!"

It wasn't helping the overall picture that Rainbow Dash was flying above them, leaving a trail of rainbow behind her.

Pinkie laughed at the thought of their cutie marks being flank tattoos. "Oh, Nikolai, you're so funny! These are called cutie marks. They represent our special talent."

"Well, if I were a pony, my cutie mark would be myself drinking vodka!" He smiled at the thought. "Lots and lots of vodka. . ."

Twilight rolled her eyes at the Russian's obsession for the alcoholic drink. "Why does vodka matter so much to you?"

Nikolai was still smiling at the thought of his cutie mark. "Well, everything before Shi No Numa is kinda fuzzy. I don't even remember the first encounter 27 years ago, I just remember that I had nine wives and I love vodka! Come to think it, Dempsey and Takeo can't exactly remember anything, either."

"What about Richtofen?" Twilight was inwardly connecting the dots to discover the true nature of the doctor. It all didn't add up innocently; Richtofen being a mad doctor, being partially responsible for unleashing the awakened dead, and to top it off, he was the only one to retain his memory. Nikolai just might be alright, but Richtofen was definitely bad news. She breathed a sigh of relief that it had been Nikolai instead.

"He still remembers, I think. It's hard to tell, the doctor is more focused on harvesting organs."

"Maybe I could invite him over to bake cupcakes sometime!" Pinkie Pie smiled with genuine innocence.

By now, the three ponies and their human guest had arrived into town, and Nikolai was already getting stares from the local ponies.

"Why is everyone staring at Nikolai? Did I shart again?" The drunk frowned, uneasy.

"You're the first human in Equestria, EVER! That's big news."

Nikolai groaned. "Tell that to FIMfiction."

The sound of a wall getting smashed was heard.

"C'mon! I just fixed it!" An unknown voice cried out.

Rainbow Dash finally lowered herself down to the others, again. She was floating ever so slightly above the ground, ignoring Nikolai.

"Lesbian pony has a problem with Nikolai," The drunk muttered to Pinkie. Unfortunately, he muttered just loudly enough for Rainbow Dash to hear.

"For the last BUCKING time, I am NOT a lesbian!" Rainbow Dash screamed. If any ponies were not already staring at Nikolai and the ponies before, they were now. When Rainbow Dash noticed this, her cheeks flushed the brightest shade of red they had ever seen.

"Rainbow, language!" Twilight criticized.

"Uh, sorry, I just had to get the message across."

The group traveled through town in silence, ignoring the staring ponies, until they finally reached Sugarcube Corner. As soon as all four made it inside, Nikolai shut the door. He sighed.

"Nikolai feels like he was naked. Everybody was staring at me!"

Pinkie, now in her home territory, flashed a confident grin. "Alright, everypony, here's the plan. Rainbow, you'll spread word around town, 'Welcome to our Universe' Party at Sugarcube Corner! Twilight, you get the refreshments ready! Remember, Nikolai likes vodka, but get punch for the fillies and colts, too! Nikolai. . . Just relax until the party is ready, I guess."

All three saluted at the party thrower's orders. Pinkie eyed the clock, it was 1:00 PM. "Dashie, report back at 1600 hours. Party starts at 1800."

"You sound like my superiors, pink pony. Nikolai has even more respect for you, now."

"Move, team!" She yelled at Rainbow Dash and Twilight, and they both took off immediately. Rainbow was out the door before Nikolai could blink, and Twilight had already disappeared into the storage rooms.

She turned to Nikolai, still showing a bright smile. "I'm going to take care of decorations. I'm not Rarity, but I'm pretty sure I can make this party look awesomely fantabulous!"

"That sounds nice, Nikolai will wait upstairs, maybe take another nap."

"OK, Nikolai, I'll call you down when the party is ready!" She beamed her smile.

The heavy set Russian did not reply, and chose to simply walk up the stairs, which creaked under his weight with every move. There were a few times that Nikolai was sure the steps would collapse, but they surprisingly held up, despite the fact that Nikolai was much heavier than the average pony. When he finally reached the top, he slumped down into a corner and relaxed.

For the first time since his arrival in this land, he was alone. What irked Nikolai more than anything was the fact that he was sober, and experiencing this. If he was drunk, he would wave this all off as alcohol in effect, and believe that he was back with Dempsey, who would be protecting him from the onslaught. But the signs were clear; he had clear vision, he could have rational thought, and he could understand those around him well. He groaned, to most people, being sober was a more viable alternative to being drunk just for the sake of being drunk. However, for the almost constantly drunk alcoholic, being sober was a curse. Nikolai knew it wouldn't be long before he began to suffer from withdrawal symptoms. He just hoped that the Stalliongrad vodka would be just as good for getting drunk as any.

He wondered what the other three were doing. Were they even still alive? Hopefully not Takeo. Had they moved on without him? Did they even care? The normally goofy Russian's thoughts were now deadpan serious. He worried about Dempsey, who was the only one in the group he had complete respect for. Being trapped with two high-ranking Axis Powers officers was not good. But Dempsey was tough and no-nonsense, he'd pull through, with or without Nikolai. If worse comes to worse, he even had a DG-2!

The last thing Nikolai thought before drifting off to sleep was if he would be staying in this land forever. It was obvious that he was not in Earth anymore. Whatever force guiding the teleporter had sent him somewhere else entirely. Now, he was in a place where little horses ran a peaceful civilization. No zombies were around to kill, and it was driving Nikolai, a man of war, mad.

He just hoped that this was all a bad dream and that he would wake up in the Group 935 facility again.

. . .

"Nikolai. . . Oh, Nikolai. . . NIKOLAI, WAKE UP!"

Nikolai finally jolted awake, and opened his eyes. The very first thing he saw were Pinkie's blue eyes right in his face. She looked at him with frustration, but it quickly changed to a warming smile at the sight of his open eyes.

"Oh, good-woody! You're awake just in time!" Pinkie laughed. "The party is only a few minutes away. While you were asleep, Rainbow Dash returned with a few other ponies who volunteered to help with your party."

"Wow, you really have good connections Pinkie. Nikolai applauds you. Tell me, what is your secret to get ponies to help you without pay?"

"Let's just say there ain't no party like a Pinkie Pie party. . . Plus, I kinda gave them free cake for their trouble," She admitted. "You should probably go downstairs and introduce yourself to them, they've been a big help."

Nikolai found the strength to rise to his feet and stretch his arms. "Ugh, I can't remember the last time I went this long without vodka. It's driving Nikolai crazy," he began to shuffle downstairs.

"Nikolai, wait!" Pinkie stopped him.

The Russian turned his head in the direction of Pinkie. "Yes, Pinkie Pie?"

She appeared slightly nervous. "These ponies don't know about the fact you're a, what is it Twilight said you were called again? Oh, human! Anyway, the might be a little shocked when they first see you. Please try to be patient with them, they've sacrificed hours of their time for a total stranger."

Nikolai smiled, happy that Pinkie was aware of the current stress he was under. "Thanks, Pinkie, you're Nikolai's favorite."

Pinkie couldn't have been happier. . . Well, except for that time her friends threw her a surprise birthday party.

"OK, play it cool, Nikolai. Remember, they're ponies, talking ponies that have never seen a human before. It's no big deal, you're just representing your entire species."

Upon realizing this, Nikolai felt even more stressed, and sighed. Nikolai was smarter when he wasn't under the effects of his vodka, but it wasn't worth the pressure he now felt on his shoulders. It was one thing talking to fellow Communist Party members, it was even one thing talking to his zombie-slaying comrades, but it was another entirely talking to an entirely different culture of talking horses.

Nikolai finally took a deep breath and managed to walk down the stairway. Once he looked out, he saw a total of six ponies waiting for him: Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, an almost-white pony with a wild mane and purple-tinted sunglasses, a grey pony with a more formal and refined look, a green unicorn with yellow eyes, who seemed to stare directly at Nikolai's hands, and an earth pony with a pink and blue mane who was giving the green unicorn an uneasy stare. All of the four new ponies expressed different emotions at the sight of the Russian.

The pony wearing sunglasses frowned and cocked her head. She didn't know who, or what, Nikolai was. To the right of her, the grey earth pony managed to keep her calm look, only cocking an eyebrow slightly. The green unicorn was flashing a crazed green smile, and the other earth pony was simply more concerned for the green unicorn.

"Hello, ponies, my name is Nikolai," The Russian smiled unconvincingly at the four helpers.

"Human! And it talks!" The green unicorn charged up to Nikolai, grabbed one of his hands, and seemed to closely examine it.

"Oh, you are so lucky, I wish I had hands. What are they like? Do they feel funny compared to hooves?"

Nikolai sighed. "They're great, I guess. How should I know? I never had hooves."

The green unicorn nodded. "Of course, my mistake, I'm Lyra, Lyra Heartstrings! Let me know if you ever want to hang out!" She grinned and backed away.

The pony next to Lyra calmly walked over to Nikolai, an embarrassed grin was plastered on her face.

"So, humans do exist, after all. I guess I owe Lyra 20 bits. Speaking of Lyra, she's a little crazy about your species."

"Oh, really!? Nikolai didn't notice!" He replied with sarcasm. The Russian then jumped when he saw Pinkie Pie pop out of the barrel next to him and give him a glare that practically screamed, "Be nice, or else. . ."

"Sorry, yellow pony, Nikolai's kinda cranky," Nikolai apologized.

"Don't worry about it, we all have our bad days," the yellow pony replied with an understanding smile. "I'm Bon Bon, Lyra's roommate and best friend. I try to keep her under control, but she's a wild one."

"Kinda like what Dempsey does to Richtofen, or at least tries to."

"Who and who?" Bon Bon asked, cocking her head.

"Don't worry about it, they're just two people I know."

"Oh, OK. Well, welcome to Equestria, Nikolai. I hope your stay is enjoyable."

"Thank you, Bon Bon, Nikolai appreciates your concern," Nikolai smiled warmly, faking politeness.

There was a knock on the door, and Twilight and Rainbow Dash went over to answer it. It turned out it was the first few ponies showing up for the party.

Nikolai soon heard the sound of a bass drop. Considering he was a man born in the 1890s, who had no idea what Dubstep was, this caused him to plug his ears in sudden fear. However, after hearing the music for a little while, Nikolai began to actually enjoy it. He smiled.

"My ears, they are filled with the sounds of angels. Nikolai could cry. . ."

"Well, I see Vinyl's started playing her music. Fabulous," the grey mare talked over the music with a frown.

"I take it you do not like the music of The Sunglasses Unicorn?"

"The Sunglasses Unicorn? Oh, no, her name is DJ Pon-3, well, at least that's her stage name. I don't believe we've been acquainted yet. I'm Octavia Melody, a cello player from Canterlot."

"Canterwha?" Nikolai asked. "Why do all the cities in this land have horse-pun names?"

"We are a civilization of equines. What did you expect?" Octavia asked, emotionless.

Nikolai decided to change the subject. "Do you know DJ Pon-3? You act like you know her?"

"Ah, yes, Vinyl is a very good friend of mine, always eager and passionate for her work. Even if I personally think her new-age music is trash, I still support her. She probably feels the same about me, but I'm more in control of my emotions."

"Sounds like relationship between Lyra and Bon Bon."

"You could say that. I know Lyra and Bon Bon, too. But there's a difference between Vinyl and Lyra. Vinyl is wild and crazy, and so is Lyra, but Vinyl has a much better grip on reality," Octavia looked around to make sure Lyra wasn't in earshot. "And you might want to be careful around her," Octavia managed to whisper while still being louder than the music. "She's unstable around ponies. Now that she knows humans exist, there's no telling how she will react near you. Lyra is very, VERY, unstable."

Octavia sniffed the air around Nikolai. "I know it is a rude thing for me to say right now, but you smell like you could use some lessons on hygiene," the well-intentioned mare informed. "Humans must not bathe as regularly as us ponies do."

Nikolai wasn't paying attention, though, because something had caught his eye.

It was a table absolutely covered in vodka. The Russian licked his lips in delight. For too long he had been denied this savory drink, now he would indulge.

He raced for the table, and put and hand on the first bottle he saw. Unfortunately, a hoof from a pony also reached for the bottle.

Nikolai looked up and narrowed his eyes at the mare who had reached for the bottle. Everything about her was purple, her coat, her mane, even her eyes. Her cutie mark was a strawberry right next to a number of grapes. Her mane appeared to be a little messy, as if not styled and just left natural.

She also wasn't going to give up the vodka, and she stared directly back at Nikolai, her eyes narrowing like his.

"Drinking Contest?" Nikolai challenged the mare.

"Drinking Contest," she confirmed.

Author's Notes:

Whew, that's done.

Anyway, I'm glad this story is getting a fairly good amount of likes compared to dislikes. I was kind worried that nobody would show interest in this story.

Also, Berry Punch's introduction chapter!

Of Contests and Story Hijacks

Author's Notes:

WARNING: This chapter SEVERELY breaks the fourth wall several times. Things will be more normal after this chapter, but I just happened to write in several instances of wall-breaking.

Also, Marc's OC Gear Grinder makes a one-time joke appearance. He writes what he calls "The Perfect MLP fanfiction." Once again as a joke.

The room had fallen silent when they noticed the pony and Nikolai facing off, each one giving the other a hostile stare meant to scare each other off.

But Nikolai had survived a theater of war, seen countless horrors committed both by Germans and by his own comrades, and until recently had to fight the living dead alongside an aggressive American, an elitist Japanese man, and a sociopathic German. Fear was simply an emotion that Nikolai no longer possessed. To top it all off, this man had an unstoppable resolve to drink this vodka, and he would not let a random thirsty pony get in his way.

And Berry Punch? Well, she just liked alcohol. . . Very much.

Even Vinyl Scratch had caught on, and immediately changed the music from her loud Dubstep to a somewhat quieter western standoff tune.

"Oh no," Rainbow Dash eyed the pony that was facing Nikolai. "Things are about to get very bad, very fast!"

Pinkie Pie nodded. "Berry Punch has never lost a drinking contest before."

Twilight thought about it for a bit. "But with the amount of times Nikolai has mentioned vodka, he probably will be a worthy opponent."

Rainbow Dash gulped. "That only makes things worse. TWO drunken psychopaths!"

Nikolai turned his head to face Rainbow Dash, his right hand still firmly gripped on the vodka bottle. "Who are you calling a psychopath, Rainbow Hair?"

Rainbow Dash did not reply, too nervous to face an angry Nikolai.

"We need a judge for this," Berry Punch scanned the crowd to see who was available. "Hey, Gear Grinder! Come over here!" She practically screamed at a pure white stallion unicorn, wearing a pair of goggles on his forehead. His mane was very well-kept, and his cutie mark was a simple gear. It went without saying that he was a mechanic.

Marc's OC gulped, and walked over to the table. You could tell by the nervous expression on his face that he did not want any part of this. "Uh, when I said I wanted a cameo in this story, I didn't exactly mean it like this.

Uglyturnip once again materialized into his own stallion's form, and stood in between Pinkie and Twilight. "Too bad," he said to Gear Grinder as he gave a flirtatious glance and arrogant smile to both mares. "Hey, ladies, how's it going?"

As a purple hoof slapped him once on the cheek, Pinkie laughed. "You're funny!"

"I like to tell myself that, anyway. My special talent is trolling, after all," the author avatar muttered, rubbing his cheek. He did not disappear yet, instead, he chose to eye the scene in front of him.

Nikolai turned to Berry Punch and gave a confident smirk. "So, how do you want to do this, Berry Punch?" He suddenly burst into laughter. "I'm sorry," he apologized. "You have a funny name for a drinking pony. Shot glass, or straight from the bottle?"

Berry Punch seemed to contemplate this seriously for a second. Sure, straight from the bottle would be quicker, but less suspenseful.

"Shot glass."

Pinkie bounced over into the kitchen and came back with two shot glasses on her back. They bounced into the air, just like she did, but they somehow managed to prevent the small cups from falling. She set one in front of both contestants, and left with a smile. Gear Grinder grabbed a pencil from a table with his magic, and prepared to tally up each shot taken. It was time to go.

"3," Pinkie happily began.

"2," Rainbow Dash continued.

"1," Twilight Sparkle sighed, giving up on a peaceful solution.

"Go!" Vinyl cheered, suddenly changing the music to a rapid bass drop.

Nikolai and Berry Punch both quickly grabbed vodka bottles and poured their first shots, both simultaneously gulping down the small amount of liquid. Nikolai's eyes widened, welcoming a substance back into his body that he had been missing.

"You know, you can still back out now and save your dignity," Berry Punch smiled as they both set their glasses down to pour another shot. The speed that they drank and poured with was almost simultaneous, and neither skipped a beat by the time they both drank their second glass.

Nikolai did not appear to be under the influence in the slightest by the time they had reached the sixth shot. His tolerance had skyrocketed from all the vodka he had drunk in the past, turning him into a unstoppable drinking machine, much more than a normal human should be able to. He quickly poured yet another shot and gulped it down.

But Berry Punch had not slowed down, either, as she poured her seventh shot. She eyed Nikolai with a confident smirk, which Nikolai returned.

"Say, Berry Punch, you're not too bad. Nikolai's faced worse."

Berry Punch burped after drinking another shot. "You're not too bad for yourself, you hairless monkey."

Nikolai gasped. "Hairless?!" He lifted up one of his sleeves, exposing a very hairy arm, at least for a human. "Do these look hairless to you?"

Berry Punch ignored him and poured another shot, downing it in ten seconds flat.

"Hey!" Rainbow Dash pointed at Uglyturnip. "That's my line!"

The author avatar rolled his eyes and continued to type on his computer. "This is so hard to do with hooves," he commented with a blank expression on his face.

Eventually, things began to heat up, with Nikolai downing an entire bottle at once, and it wasn't even the one he had been pouring shots out of. Everyone in the room, minus him and Berry Punch, gasped. They were BIG bottles, equal to at least two dozen shots.

"Unbelievable!" Twilight was both disgusted and intrigued.

"How?!"

"Even I'm shocked, and I've been writing this!"

Gear Grinder threw his hooves up into the air. "I don't even know anymore!"

Nikolai appeared drunk now. "Give *hic* up?"

Berry narrowed her eyes, shook her head, and drank an entire bottle for herself. The room once again gasped.

"Not yet, *hic*. Is that *hic* all you *hic* got?"

Nikolai uncapped another bottle and began to down it, but the alcohol was just too much for the drunk Russian, and he passed out.

"Ha ha!" Berry Punch laughed. "And that's how we do it!" All she had to do was drink what Nikolai had drunk, and she would win. She uncapped the bottle with her hoof. . . Somehow. . . And began to drink. But, it was too much for her, as well, and she passed out.

Gear Grinder examined how much each had drunk; both had consumed about 20 shots each, along with a full bottle and exactly half of another bottle.

"You might want to check their pulses. I'm pretty sure that would kill anyone, no matter how much tolerance they could have," Gear Grinder commented. "They tied, exactly down to the last drop."

They waited until all of the alcohol had time to kick in, so that

Pinkie and Twilight walked up to Nikolai's body and felt for a pulse while Gear Grinder felt for Berry Punch's.

Amazingly, both were alive, just unconscious.

"I will never understand how Berry Punch does it," Pinkie stated. "But she can drain a party."

"And now she's met her match," Twilight added. "On the bright side, this will be good for the alcohol industry!" She added with a smile.

The other ponies eventually continued on with the party, and enjoyed themselves. Nikolai and Berry Punch would wake in a few hours, but there was no use waiting on them.

. . .

Nikolai finally returned to consciousness, and opened his eyes. Bad idea, the lights shined way too brightly, and his head pounded with pain worse than any bullet wound could ever be. He just let out an audible groan.

"Dempsey?" No answer.

"Richtofen?" Silence was the only reply.

"I don't even care anymore. Takeo?"

He heard a familiar voice. "Your friends aren't here, Nikolai, remember?"

"Oh, right, Twilight Sparkle. Last night was a blur. Did Nikolai get drunk?" He asked hopefully.

"Yeah, you and Berry Punch kinda cleared out a good portion of the bar."

His memory was coming back. He remembered the contest with the purplish earth pony. "Oh, right. Did Nikolai win?"

Twilight shook her head. "It was an exact tie."

Nikolai's eyes snapped open. "Oh, woah, wait, WHAT?!" He stood to his feet somehow. "How? Nikolai has never not won a drinking contest. Never!"

Pinkie skipped into the room. "Well, you did tonight!" She was followed by Gear Grinder, Lyra Heartstrings, and Vinyl Scratch, working together as a team. Behind them was Uglyturnip, carrying a bucket of water with his mouth, and Neon Lights, who had arrived fashionably late.

They gently set her body down. "OK, Turnip, you're clear."

The tan stallion trotted over to the unconscious mare and poured the bucket of water on her body, snapping her back into consciousness.

"You know, I probably just could have written her awake," the author avatar smiled. Twilight facehoofed.

Berry Punch coughed, and tried to do like Nikolai, but she was too hungover to do so for now. She just decided to lie there and wait it out.

"So?" Gear Grinder walked over to Uglyturnip. "You have godlike powers because you're the author of this story, huh?"

"Every author does, Gear Grinder."

A lightbulb clicked over GG's head.

"Wait, what are you thinking?" Uglyturnip's eyes widened in horror. "Oh no, don't be doing what I think you're doing. Please!"

. . .
(Here comes the part Marc wrote)

It was no use. Suddenly, a random crowd of ponies, the rest of the mane six, and Octavia appeared out of thin air. To make things worse, the roof of Sugarcube Corner inexplicably vanished, revealing an early morning sky.

The amazing Gear Grinder shoved aside all ponies, getting to work on his amazing story. He spawned an oversized chainsaw, forcing it into the hands of the Russian. Nikolai mowed down a random crowd of ponies, including some like Neon Lights and Octavia. Vinyl then walked up to Gear Grinder and gave him a huge hug. Nikolai watched in disgusted horror as he burned down Neon's house with a jerry can. GG then wrote something down, and Celestia fell out of the sky, exploding into a red mist on the ground. All of the fans who magically appeared cheered, but were electrocuted by Nikolai. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were shoved in a closed, and GG screamed to them, "make babies!". They were forced together, in a rushed and messy make out session. Nikolai watched, his bloody face was cringing at the XXX material, but the horrific sight got worse when RD screamed, "I'm pregnant!" Vinyl then screamed, "and we're getting married!". Best of all, GG said. . .

. . .
(And things return to me now)

Luckily, before things could get any worse, an unlikely hero appeared.

A portal opened, similar to the ones created by Gersch Devices, and a familiar battlecry was heard.

"Banzai!" Takeo screamed as he jumped spontaneously out of the portal. He swung his samurai sword at the air in front of him, somehow causing the events of Gear Grinder's hijack to disappear into nonexistance.

"This story is dishonorable!" He cried. "You deserve many down votes, Gear Grinder!" He cried.

"Aw, man," the unicorn frowned, watching all of his 'hard' work vanish. He quietly trotted out of the room.

"Thank you, Takeo," Uglyturnip smiled.

"And you!" He pointed a finger at the author avatar. "You should not exist! You are the author!" He took his samurai sword and sliced it directly through Uglyturnip's physical form. However, there was no blood or gore, it just disappeared without a trace.

"Fine," a voiced echoed out of nowhere. "I'll stay out of my story from now on."

"Things have returned to normal, thanks to Takeo!" The samurai praised himself. "Well, I must return before Dempsey and the Doctor realize I'm missing."

"Wait! Takeo!" Nikolai pleaded. "Take me with you!"

Takeo turned his head back, and flashed a troll-like smirk.

"No."

With that, Takeo jumped back into the portal, which closed behind him, leaving Nikolai, Berry Punch, Twilight, Pinkie, Rainbow Dash, Vinyl, and Lyra.

Twilight made a mental note that Takeo exhibited weird behavior, but appeared to at least have some sense of right and wrong.

"I hate that little shit," Nikolai mumbled.

"C'mon, Nikolai!" Pinkie smiled, ignoring the chaos that had just recently ensued. "It's time for us to go out and help you find a job."

"A job?" Nikolai asked, worried.

Pinkie nodded.

"Nooooooooooooooo!"

Of Carpentry and Conversation

"I'm getting tired of searching bookshelves for these supposed blueprints, doc," Dempsey complained as he emptied yet another shelf from a long line. Sure enough, no blueprints were found.

"Dempshey," Richtofen called the American, putting emphasis on the 'she' that was naturally pronounced by his German accent. "Let me ask you a simple question that even your puny little brain can understand. Do you want Nikolai back, or not?"

"Of course I want him back. We all want him back."

A Gersch portal opened around a corner just where they couldn't see, and out popped Takeo, who walked around into their field of vision.

"Not him," Richtofen pointed out. "And that's why I need YOUR help. You and your clumsy mistakes. Why couldn't I have gotten the Wunderwaffe?! Stupid box. That dreadful little girl continues to make my life difficult."

"Cry me a river, Richtofen."

The three walked past Double Tap Root Beer, forming a triangle that Richtofen led.

"And until we get him back, we shall not rest, because he's a necessary character, a good friend, and Samantha can not be stopped until we have our team back together again!" Richtofen was lying through his teeth. In reality, all he needed to complete his grand scheme was one of these imbeciles to survive until the end. But the odds of that happening would be better if he had all three with him. Not to mention that Nikolai could be a great fighter at best and zombie bait at worst. It was simple, the doctor had no actual concern for the Russian's safety, definitely not for Dempsey's safety. Richtofen did admit that he did kinda like Takeo, though, despite the fact that the samurai was being uncooperative in their efforts. He'd kill Takeo last, if his plans were successful. Maybe he could even-.

The doctor was snapped out of his inward scheming by Dempsey. "Doc! I found something! Looks like blueprints!"

"Why do you always interrupt me while I'm planning World Dominatio-. . . I mean, I'm on my way, Dempshey!"

Takeo sighed to himself as the doctor skipped away like a little girl. "I hate being the only sane man here."

. . .

"Why does Nikolai have to get a job?" The hungover Russian complained as Twilight and Pinkie led him out of Sugarcube Corner. "I thought Ponyland would be like vacation."

"Equestria," Twilight corrected. "And no, everyone works some kind of job here. Surely a human like you has some kind of talent. Until your friends find a way to retrieve

Nikolai chuckled. "Well, I could become an exterminator. I've killed thousands of Germans; living or undead. And sixth wife was champion female bear-fighter, she taught Nikolai a thing or two."

Twilight and Pinkie both cringed at Nikolai's violent backstory. "Equestria doesn't need any exterminators. If something infests Ponyville, Fluttershy or Pinkie can NONVIOLENTLY take care of it."

Pinkie thought back to the time when she single-handedly led a swarm of hungry parasprites out of Ponyville and smiled to herself.

"OK, then, exterminator is out. . . What about a carpenter? That was Nikolai's job before the war."

Twilight pondered this for a minute. "I guess the only person to ask would be Rusty Nails."

"Rusty Nails? Not exactly someone I'd want constructing my home."

"You'd be surprised, Nikolai. Rusty has been building everything from birdhouses to entire mansions all over Equestria for years. He's building some new houses in Ponyville, and I heard he's hiring. Why not give it a try?"

Nikolai groaned. "I guess it's better than nothing. Are you sure there isn't anything I could exterminate?"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Yes, Nikolai, positive."

The three ponies trotted down the street, with Nikolai receiving just as much attention from dumbfounded ponies as he had the previous day. With the fact that Nikolai was a foreign creature that was never known to exist by most ponies, it was hard not to. Even if that wasn't enough for you, he was being escorted by Princess Twilight Sparkle herself.

Finally, Nikolai had enough. "Stop with the staring, alright?" He chastised the gawking crowd. "You're all weirding Nikolai out."

Some ponies managed to turn back to their current affairs, but most could not resist scanning the drunk Russian's appearance. Even the shopkeepers in the marketplace had stopped hawking their various foods, giving Nikolai confused stares when he passed by their stalls.

Nikolai wished he had his MP40 right now.

Out of his vision, three fillies watched the human, but unlike most of the other ponies, they eyed him with genuine curiosity.

"What is he supposed to be?" The pegasus among the group asked. She had a purplish mane, an orangish coat, dull purple eyes, and small wings.

"Ah' don't know," the earth pony one replied. She had an olive coat, red hair with a bow in it, and gamboge eyes. "Maybe we should ask 'im."

The unicorn squinted her green eyes and stared directly at Nikolai, who was busy telling off another crowd of nosy ponies. The characteristics matched the description. Could this be him?

"What are you thinking about Sweetie Belle?"

Sweetie Belle snapped out of her thinking and turned back to the other ponies; Apple Bloom and Scootaloo.

"I didn't tell tell you two what Rarity was doing last night, did I?"

The other two shook their heads. "What happened? 'Nother fight?"

Now it was Sweetie's turn to shake her head. "No. Not a fight. It was weird."

. . .

Sweetie Belle sat on the floor of the Carousel Boutique, silent and bored. As much as she loved her sister, Sweetie couldn't help but admit that Rarity had absolutely nothing for her to do. But the seamstress big sister had already told the filly not to leave the shop until she came back, so in she stayed. She sighed occasionally, but the room remained quiet otherwise.

The silence of the room finally ended when Rarity burst open through the front door. She looked slightly panicked, as if she had just remembered that she had a career-threatening dress due tomorrow that wasn't quite as perfect as she wanted.

Sweetie immediately lit up at the sight of her sister. "Rarity! You're back!"

Rarity shut the door behind her, not replying. Her panicked look had changed into one of determination and courage.

"Let's see here," the adult unicorn mumbled to herself, taking a ponnequin with her magic. "No, this simply will not do. I'll have to find a way to custom-fit his outfit."

"Rarity?" Sweetie asked.

Rarity turned to face her sister, her look of determination turning into a look of compassion and caring. "What is it, Sweetie Belle?"

"What are you doing?"

"Making an outfit for. . . A friend?" Rarity did not look convincing, because her thoughts were still stuck on one thing: The horrible pieces of cloth stitched together on Nikolai that he dared call a uniform.

"Are you OK, Rarity? You seem off. . ."

"Sweetie Belle? If somepony said you looked like a marshmallow, how would it make you feel?" Rarity asked, dodging the question.

The younger unicorn thought about it. "Well, I guess I'd take it as a compliment. Marshmallows are fluffy and nice."

Rarity breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, Fluttershy found this creature today. He calls himself Nikolai, and claims to be from a place known as 'The Soviet Union'. Wherever that place is, they have absolutely horrendous taste! He needs something better."

"What did he request?"

"That's the thing, Sweetie Belle. He DECLINED a free service. Something to do with 'soiling his name'. He doesn't look like he even has a name to soil."

"Well, if he declined, why bother?"

Rarity's expression was dead serious. "I simply cannot allow such a crime against fashion go unpunished."

. . .

"So Rarity is making clothes for that thing called Nikolai?" Scootaloo asked.

"I think that's his name, not his species."

Apple Bloom's face lit up. "Girls? You thinkin' what A'hm thinkin'?"

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle caught on.

"Cutie Mark Crusaders Species Namers!" They shouted in unison.

Meanwhile, Nikolai, Pinkie, and Twilight arrived at a barn outside if town.

"Is this where Applejack lives?" Nikolai asked.

Pinkie chuckled and bounced over to Nikolai. "Well, of course not, silly! She lives in a house!"

Nikolai rolled his eyes. "No, really?"

"Well, duh, most people in Ponyville live in houses," Pinkie smiled, completely oblivious to the sarcasm in Nikolai's question.

"This is part of Sweet Apple Acres, though," Twilight answered Nikolai's question. "The Apple family has had an increase in cattle, so they needed another barn built."

As the three continued to walk closer to the construction site, an older unicorn stallion popped out of the doorway. He had a lime green coat, a short jet black tail, equally jet black mane that came just below his ears, sky blue eyes, and sported a cutie marl featuring a hammer and nails. He was built taller and was more muscular than most ponies. Upon seeing Nikolai, he put on a confused expression.

"Hello, Pinkie."

"Hello Mr. Nails!"

"Oh, please, Pinkie, call me Rusty," he assured with a surprisingly friendly tone. "But who, or what, is this?" He gestured at Nikolai.

"Yeah, you don't exactly look normal to me, either," Nikolai shot back in a bored, but clearly hostile, tone.

"Woah, woah, take it easy, friend. I didn't mean nothin' bad. I just have never seen anything like you before, that's all."

Rusty turned his head and noticed Twilight. He bowed.

"Forgive me, princess, I did not notice you until now."

"You don't have to be so formal, Rusty, I'm still the same pony I was before."

"You're a princess!?" Nikolai asked in shock. "Why did you never tell Nikolai?!"

"It's not an important fact. At least not to me. I thought you would have caught on anyway, I'm the only unicorn who also has wings."

"I just thought you were some rare hybrid. Nikolai is fairly new to this, remember?"

"We're getting off topic. Anyway, Rusty, Nikolai here is looking for a job. Can you help him out?"

"Oh, yes! This barn is pretty big. I mean, I could do it by myself, but it would be a handful. But first, let me see what he can do."

"Oh, no problem, Nikolai is experienced."

"OK," the stallion nodded, handing Nikolai a hammer and nails. "Inside the barn are some stalls. Problem is, I haven't added the wood boards yet to separate 'em. I wanna see how good you are at setting them up."

Nikolai gave a confident smirk, and the two entered the barn.

"Nice to see him ready to work," Twilight smiled. "Maybe he's not so bad after all."

Pinkie kept a huge grin. "Silly Twilight, Nikolai was never bad, just goofy. . . With a teensy-weensy hint of killer thrown in."

"I just hope he-"

Twilight's sentence was cut off by a loud scream.

"HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT!?" Cried out Rusty from the barn.

Twilight and Pinkie ran inside, only to see Nikolai casually standing next to the stall, doing nothing. Next to him, however, wooden boards flew up and filled in the spaces of the stall frames. Twilight quickly looked at Rusty's horn, but the carpenter was not casting any magic. Nikolai was doing this.

"Well, it's easy, I'm holding the X button."

Rusty just continued giving a confused look.

"Oh, you play PS3, OK, square button."

"Oh, good," Pinkie smiled. "I thought it was something serious!" She turned and walked out, humming a tune.

Twilight was shocked. The humans from her world didn't have magic, but apparently Nikolai did, at least when it came to wooden boards. Nikolai was making great time, and the stalls were ready in about ten minutes.

Rusty came over and examined the strength of the stalls, putting pressure on each one. Sure enough, they were all well-constructed and sturdy.

"Well, I don't know how you did it, Nikolai, but you performed faster and better than any pony who's ever worked under me," he put out his hoof. "You got the job, make sure to show up tomorrow at 7 AM sharp."

Nikolai tried to shake the hoof with his hand. "Da, OK. Thank you!" He managed a happy smile. However, he inwardly groaned about having to wake up early now. At least he could nap all he wanted in his old world by making a crawler.

The ponies pondered what to do now, as they walked out of Sweet Apple Acres and back into town.

"Where will Nikolai be staying? He doesn't exactly own a place here."

"There's space in the library, Nikolai. You can live with Spike and I."

"Spike? What breed of dog is he?"

"What?" Twilight cocked her head, before shaking it and allowing a small smile. "Oh, no, Spike is a baby dragon."

"What?" Nikolai's eyes widened. "A dragon!? Maybe this place is less girly than Nikolai thought."

Out of their sight, the three Cutie Mark Crusaders pondered what to name the species that Nikolai was, despite the fact that his species already had a name.

"How about. . . The Everfree Hairless Ape?" Sweetie Belle asked hopefully.

"No, too bland," Scootaloo shot down. "Let's see. . . Maybe the Kopad?"

"That doesn't even make sense," Sweetie countered.

"Oh yeah? Your name isn't even original."

The three crusaders descended into an argument into the bushes over what Nikolai's name should be. By the time they settled down to think about it more, Nikolai was out of sight.

"Rats!" They all exclaimed.

. . .

Richtofen entered the room Dempsey had called him into. "Find it, Dempshey?" He asked with an unnatural grin. His right hand rested on his grenade belt.

"Yeah, doc, even better, not only did I find the blueprints, but I found the device itself!" Dempsey proudly pulled a small scanning device, showing it to Richtofen.

"Wunderbar!" Richtofen cried, raising his right hand. . . And accidentally activating all of his grenades. "SHIZEN!"

"Quick!" Dempsey cried as he removed two of the live grenades from Richtofen's belt. "Get rid of them!" He tossed the two he had, followed by two thrown by Richtofen.

Unfortunately for them, they all landed right next to the crawler they had been keeping.

Things got really messy, really fast.

Takeo walked into the room, covered in the fresh blood of the crawler. Luckily, he did escape the blast radius, but he didn't escape everything. His eyes narrowed at Richtofen.

"Self-control is a virtue. Takeo is losing his," he threatened in a calm voice.

The sound of the next round's zombies were then heard as they began to rip down the boards near teleporter 2.

"Our efforts to save Nikolai will have to wait!" Richtofen shouted the obvious. "My little friends are coming!"

Dempsey, Takeo, and Richtofen all ran into teleporter 2, getting ready for the incoming horde.

Author's Notes:

This chapter was slightly harder to write, because I debated on what I should have made Nikolai get a job as. But I can see him as a carpenter.

Chapter 6 will be Nikolai settling into the library. (I probably should have mentioned this sooner, but this story takes place before season 4, but after Equestria Girls.

Of Dragons and Dandelions

Author's Notes:

This chapter was brought to you by Double Tap Root Beer. Double Tap Root Beer: I'd tap it TWICE

Pinkie was bouncing energetically through the town, followed by a calmer Nikolai and Twilight. It was still morning, but the sun was much higher in the sky. More ponies were out now, and stares did not cease. Nikolai began to stare at them back, purposefully putting on a look of awe meant to mock them.

"Just ignore them, Nikolai," Twilight assured. "They're not going to hurt you."

"Hurt me?" Nikolai asked, before breaking off into sharp laughter. "Good one, Twilight! Like I'm afraid of a few brightly-colored horses."

"You'd be surprised about us," Twilight assured. "We may look small, cute, and friendly. For the most part, we are, but we're not helpless," she thought of the time changelings invaded Canterlot. That had been a fierce battle for innocent-looking ponies to fight in.

"So," Pinkie butted in. "We got Nikolai a job, and he's got somewhere to stay. What now?"

Twilight's stomach growled. Nikolai's followed, as if responding. "Breakfast wouldn't hurt."

"Oh, we could go back to Sugarcube Corner and get leftover cake from the party!" Pinkie cheered.

Twilight shook her head. "No thanks, Pinkie, I'm craving real food. Does a sandwich sound good to you, Nikolai?"

Nikolai nodded. "Yeah, and some vodka to wash it down with. Oh, that reminds me. Pinkie, was there any leftover vodka from that party?"

Pinkie nodded. "Yes indeedie. I figure you want it, right?"

"You read Nikolai's mind."

"No I didn't, I just assumed since you like vodka so much. I'm not a mind reader, silly!"

Twilight facehoofed and decided to change the subject. "Anyway, why don't we go home and enjoy some food? It will give you the chance to meet Spike, too."

Nikolai smiled warmly. "Da, Nikolai would enjoy a nice meal with dragon."

"Great!" Twilight smiled. "Oh, by the way, Spike is just as smart as us ponies. He can speak, he can write, and he can grasp concepts like sarcasm. And don't try anything around him. If you do, I swear to Celestia I will rip you into pieces with my bare hooves!" Twilight growled with a surprising change in hostility.

"Woah, woah, woah," Nikolai put his hands up in surrender. "Calm down, Twilight. I have no reason to hurt Spike."

Twilight sighed, and calmed down. "Sorry, Nikolai. It's just that Spike is like a son to me, and I just want what's best for him. Do you know what that's like?"

Nikolai shrugged. "Nikolai used to shout 'Stay away from my vodka!' at zombies. I guess you could say that my vodka is my child. Only I can drink it."

Twilight decided that was good enough for her, and nodded.

"So, what is Spike like?"

Twilight smiled warmly at the thought of the baby dragon's behavior. "He's got a good heart, even if tries to play himself off as cool. He'll respect you," Twilight gulped after saying that, the realization that they may not be the best dawning on her.

"Aw, Nikolai was hoping he would be badass and super cool. But let me guess, you ponies used 'friendship' to make him soft, didn't you?"

Twilight sighed. "I've been watching over Spike since he was hatched. He never was 'made soft', he's just been raised right."

Nikolai blew a raspberry. "Whatever. Why are we walking to the that big tree?" He pointed at the Ponyville Library, which had now come into view.

"That's the library, Nikolai. It's where Spike and I live."

"So, you live in a tree?"

"Library," Twilight corrected again, growing impatient.

"Nikolai's no rocket scientist, but I'm pretty sure that's a tree with windows and a door."

"Yes, Nikolai, it's a tree. But it's also a library!" Twilight screamed in frustration.

"Oh, OK. Do you use the tree for paper?"

Twilight facehoofed and didn't even bother to come up with a response. She trotted slightly faster to open the door for Nikolai and Pinkie.

"Come inside," Twilight smiled happily.

Nikolai walked in first, eyeing the small purple dragon with green scales sweeping the floor, unaware of the human behind him. Pinkie bounced happily after him.

"Hey Spike!" She greeted with her normal bubbly self.

"Oh, hey, Pinkie! What brings you-" Spike turned and stopped talking once he noticed Nikolai standing there. "Are you a-? How did you-? What brings YOU here?" Spike finally found the words.

"Dempsey brought me here."

"What's a Dempsey? Twilight, did you go back to that magic mirror again?" Spike asked.

Twilight shook her head. "No, Spike. He came to us. He's not even from the same world that we went to. He's from a post-apocalyptic nightmare.

"Really?" Spike asked. "That sounds AWESOME!"

"No it does NOT," Twilight assured. "Poor Nikolai here turned to alcohol just to forget the fact."

"Uh, no, Nikolai turned to vodka because Nikolai liked vodka," The drunk Russian corrected.

"Promise me, Spike, that you will drink responsibly when the time comes," Twilight pleaded, ignoring Nikolai's previous sentence.

"Uh, OK, I guess."

"Good!" Twilight happily smiled. "Now, I'm going to make some sandwiches for all four of us. It shouldn't take too long."

"A princess that makes her own food? I see you're trying to maintain a humble public image, Twilight."

"Or maybe I just want to make my own food. Why do you believe that everything I do has some hidden political agenda behind it?"

"Uh, well. . ."

"Exactly. Nikolai, I wasn't born into royalty. I was once a common pony, and I prefer to live a lifestyle like a common pony. Is that clear?" Twilight frowned.

"OK, OK. You want to be normal. Nikolai gets it now."

Twilight grumbled something unintelligible and went into the kitchen. Meanwhile, Pinkie left the library to grab the vodka."

Spike walked up to the human, setting his broom down. "I know this must be tough for you, being in a world you don't understand at all. I know how you feel, believe it or not."

"Like how?" Nikolai asked.

"Twilight didn't tell you the full story. It figures. A few months ago, somepony named Sunset Shimmer stole Twilight's crown and was sent to a world full of people like you, and I kinda tagged along. . . As a dog."

"And you two went through the trouble of crossing dimensions just to get back a crown that your princess doesn't even wear? Seems like a waste of time if you ask me."

"Not just any crown, the Element of Magic."

"Oh, so there's power in the crown. OK, makes sense. So, there was a battle for the crown that left behind a path of destruction and violence? Buildings collapsing, people running in terror, etcetera?"

Spike chuckled. "I wish. School dance."

Nikolai facepalmed. "Of course, there can't be any kind of action and excitement if Ponyland is involved. What was Nikolai thinking?"

"Not always true, but it sounds like things are more exciting in your world."

"We kill zombies that are controlled by a little girl! Hell yeah it's exciting!"

Twilight's head poked around and glared at Nikolai for using language in front of the impressionable young dragon. She slowly shook her head, not taking her glare off him for a nanosecond, and then turned back into the kitchen.

"She babies you, doesn't she?"

"You bet. So, tell me about this world."

Nikolai proceeded to tell him the entire story of how he fought zombies with Tank, Takeo, and Edward. Of course, Nikolai stretched the truth of his awesome badassery quite a lot, while Takeo was portrayed as the stupid fool that everyone hated and saw as a liability.

"And then, Takeo foolishly shot the teleporter with the DG-2, sending Nikolai to this land. If I could see him now, I bet Dempsey and Richtofen are chewing him out big time. He's always-"

"But I thought you said Dempsey had the DG-2," Pinkie interrupted, causing Nikolai to jump. She had come back in with the vodka in a brown bag. Nikolai had surprisingly not noticed

"Well, uh, yeah, but he let Takeo borrow it."

"But you also said Dempsey sent you here. . . I'm confused."

"Ugh, fine. It was Dempsey. I was making it more dramatic."

Spike smiled. "Man, I wish I could go on an awesome adventure like that."

Twilight's head once again peeped around the corner, and she shook her head, disapproving without saying anything about it.

Nikolai uncapped a bottle and took a sip. "Ah, this is delicious stuff. Thanks Pinkie, Nikolai likes you the best."

Pinkie grinned.

Twilight finally walked back into the main room, holding four plates with her magic, and set down one in front of each pony.

"Oh, boy!" The drunk Russian smiled. Nikolai is starved. He happily picked up the sandwich and wasted no time biting into it, only to immediately gag and spit it back into the plate.

"What's on this sandwich, flowers?" Nikolai asked, removing the top layer of bread. Sure enough, there were dandelion petals inside the sandwich. "Wow, there are flowers on it. Color Nikolai surprised."

"Oh, right," Twilight flashed an embarrassed smile. "Humans don't eat dandelions. I had forgotten about that."

Nikolai removed the flowery substance and just ate the bread, downing it with several ounces of vodka. Pinkie scooped up the uneaten parts of the dandelions and added them onto her sandwich. All four ate happily.

Unfortunately, their meal was cut short by a knock on the door. Twilight stood up and trotted over to the door, opening it without any hesitation.

"Oh, hello Berry Punch. What brings you here today?"

"I'm here to return the cookbook I borrowed yesterday. 'Cooking with Beer', remember?" The earth pony opened her saddlebag and fished out the book with her mouth.

Twilight happily took the book and set it aside to be put back on the shelf later. "Thank you. Did you enjoy it?"

"You bet! I learned all sorts of ways to make cooking much more fun. You got any other alcohol cookbooks?"

"I think I have just the thing," Twilight assured as she trotted off to look for it.

But, when Twilight trotted off to go look for the book, Berry noticed that Nikolai was sitting there, a brown bag stuffed with vodka bottles lay beside him.

He turned in her direction, now noticing her for the first time.

"Rematch!" They screamed simultaneously.

Twilight stopped looking for the book and widened her eyes in horror. She had let the incident at the party slip into the back of her mind, but apparently it was still fresh in the minds of the two drinkers.

Spike looked confused. "Twilight? What's going on?"

"Spike. Upstairs."

"But what-"

"UPSTAIRS, NOW!" Twilight screamed urgently. "This isn't meant for your eyes!" This caused the dragon to reluctantly go up into Twilight's bedroom and shut the door behind him.

Berry Punch trotted over and sat down next to Nikolai, uncapping a bottle with her hooves.

"I'll admit one thing, Nikolai, was it? I've never drawn a drinking contest before. You are a worthy opponent."

"Likewise, Berry pony, likewise."

Pinkie and Twilight could only watch in horror as the situation continued to intensify in front of them. These two would not stop until a winner was finally declared. The two both took their first swigs from their bottles, starting the match.

"You're going down," Nikolai warned.

"We'll see about that, monkey."

Of Bonding and Spleens

The tension in the library had grown as thick as gooey honey, much worse than what had happened at the party. The draw had surprised both contestants last time, and had caught them off guard. They would make sure that the same thing wouldn't happen again, that was for sure. Nikolai was practically growing like a mad dog at Berry, who bore her teeth.

"I still predict that the alcohol industry is going to boom from this," Twilight quietly whispered to Pinkie, who only nodded in agreement. Even the optimistic party pony who would normally laugh in the face of danger, quite literally, was shaking from nervousness. The outcome of this contest was anypony's guess.

The two contestants took their second swig, eyeing each other carefully to make sure neither cheated. However, Nikolai, while normally not a serious man, would NEVER cheat in a drinking contest. Of course, he never had to. He had always been the best drinker of his squad, even before the 115 experiments left Nikolai broken as functionless without his vodka.

But Berry was the best among her drinking peers as well, this was a fact known throughout Ponyville. Nikolai found it ironic that he had met his match from a colorful female pony, and not from a burly Russian comrade. No matter, she would lose like the rest of them.

. . .

Takeo fired three Ray Gun blasts at a group of five zombies, causing them all to die before the even got close.

"Nice kills, Tak!" Dempsey complimented, holding a newly-bought Thompson from off the wall that replaced his empty magnum.

"Whatever, ugly American."

Richtofen was holding an STG-44, and aimed specifically for the foreheads of approaching zombies. Every time he would pop one, he would chuckle to himself, as if it was nothing more than a game to him.

Well, technically it was a game. But they weren't supposed to know that.

"It frightens me that you're taking so much pleasure out of this, doc, it really does."

"Says the man who shouts his own name when he kills zombies."

"Shut up, they will learn to fear the Dempsey!"

The fighting continued, with zombies mindlessly charging to the three slayers, only to get shot or blasted by their weapons. After a few minutes of killing the zed, the round finally began to die down. Dempsey reached for his grenade belt and pulled the pin on one of his frags, tossing it at the last three walkers. The explosion blew off the legs of all three, turning them into slow crawlers.

"Oh, look, Dempshey made me some gifts," Richtofen stared at the three little zombies, their glowing yellow eyes still staring emptily as they slowly inched to the doctor. "They're awful!" He punted one of the crawlers out of the window, but left the other two alone.

Dempsey reached into his pocket and pulled out the device. "So, how exactly will this bring him back, doc?"

Richtofen snatched the device out of Tank's hands. "Of course you don't know, stupid American!" He chastised. "This was a project ordered by Hitler himself. He wanted a way to keep track of anyone who lived in Germany's borders. Groph led this project, while I continued my work on the teleporters and Wunderwaffe, and Maxis worked his way into Sophia's heart," Richtofen's expression turned dark and bitter at the last part. "Oh, Maxis, ein fauler sack!"

"So, you can track him somehow?"

Richtofen facepalmed. "Dempshey, why do you have to be so stupid?"

Dempsey was about to counter that, but stopped himself with an irritated grunt.

Richtofen reached into his pocket and pulled out three bags. Each one had a labeling over it.

Dempsey's Hair.

Nikolai's Hair.

Takeo's Hair.

The doctor opened up the middle bag, drew out a chestnut brown lock, and quickly set it on the screen. The sound of a scanner and quick beep was heard.

"According to the machine's calculations, Nikolai Belinski is. . ."
Richtofen stared blankly at the screen, unable to finish his sentence. "Uh. . ."

Dempsey frowned and rolled his eyes. "What's wrong, doc? Your solution to this problem not working?"

"What do you think, Dempshey!?" The doctor screamed with his shrill accent. "It says 'Location Unknown'. Piece of junk!" Richtofen turned and threw the device against the wall, smashing it to bits. "If Groph was here, I'd surgically remove zombie spleens, and force him to eat them!" Richtofen furiously stated. He drew his combat knife, and began to make a sharp incision on a random corpse. Despite Richtofen's impatience and general mental instability, he was surprisingly precise with the cutting. He happily removed the zombie's spleen and put it into a clear plastic bag. "Maybe we'll find him later. . ."

Dempsey held back vomit in his throat. "OK, doc, I always knew you were messed up in the head, but I think you've reached new levels of crazy."

Richtofen smiled at this. "Aw, Dempshey, that's so sweet of you!"

. . .

"I can't believe this happened again," Was the first thing Nikolai heard as he began to slip back into consciousness. "They're going to want another rematch once they hear this."

Despite his splitting headache, and the bags under his eyes from the hangover, Nikolai shot up.

"Ugh, did we tie again?"

Twilight was there, alone. Apparently, she had been talking by herself to vent. Berry Punch's unconscious body lied close by, passed out in a drunken fury.

Twilight eyed Nikolai was a worn-out expression. "You guessed it," she yawned. "Down to the last drop. You two are equally-matched. It's really late, Luna raised the moon hours ago, and you got work tomorrow. So, I don't want to hear a peep out of you. I need sleep, too."

Nikolai sighed. "Alright, alright. Like mother," he grumbled the last part under his breath. Luckily, Twilight either didn't hear it or didn't care enough to respond. She levitated a mattress next to Berry Punch, and two mattresses for Nikolai, since he was much bigger than even a larger pony. She then trotted up the stairs and into her bedroom, giving one last look to the two and shaking her head before quietly shutting the door.

The problem is, Nikolai had just woken up, so falling back asleep was proving to be a real problem. He lied there, thinking random things about his life, at least what he could remember of it.

"I wish fourth wife was here, she was pretty. Pretty and smelly, weird combo," he quietly whispered to himself.

Eventually, he heard the groans of the female pony near him as she began to re-enter consciousness.

"Oh, Celestia, another hangover. And I can't see," she gasped. "Oh no, I've gone blind!"

"Shh," Nikolai warned. "Don't wake up Twilight, or she will be pissed."

"Oh, it's you, hairless monkey."

Nikolai growled something unintelligible, just loud enough for Berry to hear.

"Do you see anything, hairless monkey?"

She heard the sound of Nikolai harshly facepalming himself. "She has the lights off, even I can come up with that conclusion."

Berry rolled her eyes, annoyed by Nikolai's attitude. "Sorry. I've been in bar fights before. I just wanted to make sure."

Nikolai smiled warmly. "Ah, I remember a time when I fought my way through an entire bar with broken vodka bottle. Good times, good times."

"All by yourself?" Berry asked. "Impressive."

"Yep," Nikolai yawned. "They put up a real fight, too."

"I remember the time I snuck into Applejack's barn and stole three crates of her cider in the middle of the night. If it was any small consolation, I did leave enough bits to partially pay for it."

Nikolai managed a quiet laugh. "You partially paid for it. Berry, at least you have some morality," he joked.

Berry smiled. "Well, I can't leave Applejack broke now. Besides, I'm pretty sure she knows that I did it. Nopony else in Ponyville would be brave and foolhardy enough."

"Nikolai once pranked fifth wife into drinking a bottle of 'vodka', it was really piss, but you couldn't tell. Anyway, she spit it out, and said that she would go clean my axe with her neck," Nikolai chuckled, knowing that he had murdered her in reality.

Berry laughed. "You know, Nikolai, I think I misjudged you. You want to go out tomorrow to the bar and get a drink? After work, of course."

Nikolai nodded and smiled, even though she could not see it. "Nikolai would love to," He was happy to know he could at least have a drinking buddy in Equestria.

"OK. I'll meet you in the town square and take you to a good place in town. And yes, they carry vodka," she assured.

"Maybe this place isn't so bad," Nikolai thought out loud. "Good night, Berry Punch."

"Please, call me Berry,"

Nikolai flopped over to the other side. "Yes, good night Berry," Right after finishing his sentence, he looked out the window and gulped at what he saw. Lyra Heartstrings sat, staring in. Due to the darkness, she could not see Nikolai, but knew he was in there.

'Hands,' she mouthed, maintaining some kind of deranged slasher smile.

Nikolai shivered. "So much for sleeping tonight," he whispered very quietly to himself.

Of Bar Fights and Wild Nights

Nikolai slowly trudged back into town after a long day of work. The Russian never managed to get any sleep last night, thanks to the combination of his hangover and Lyra's creepy smile. On top of that, the day's work had been long and hard. Rusty had tried to be friendly, but Nikolai did not feel like talking to his boss that day, even if just casual small talk. Today was a perfect day for a drink with Berry, and he was more than glad that she had made the offer.

The stares from the townsfolk were still common to see, but they had become much less prolonged than they were in the past two days. Now, they were only glances, short little scans of the human. Even though Nikolai was still freaked out by the ponies' curiosity, he was happy that he wasn't getting as much attention as he had before.

"Wait up, darling!" He heard a familiar voice call. Looking back, he saw Rarity trotting up to him, this time smiling. He noticed that she carried measuring tape with her magic.

"Oh, hello Marshmall-, I mean, Rarity. How goes your day," Nikolai decided to at least fake friendliness. After all, Rarity was doing him a big favor, at least in her eyes. For Nikolai, a big favor was simply handing him a truckload of vodka.

"It's going absolutely spectacular," she smiled as she levitated the tape measure around Nikolai. "You don't mind if I get your waist measured quickly, do you, darling?" She asked.

"Nope, go nuts, Rarity."

She was true to her words, and was done quickly. "Your outfit has been coming along quite well. Of course, it's more of a side project than my current works, you don't mind, do you?"

Nikolai shook his head. "Rarity, you don't have to do this. Nikolai loves his uniform."

Rarity sighed. "I know, darling, but your outfit would be a. . . How do I put this delicately? Laughingstock by ponies all over Canterlot and Manehatten. It wouldn't exactly be the best way to introduce your species to them, don't you agree?"

"Nikolai knows little about fashion, but he will go along with it if you think it's for the best."

Rarity smiled happily. "Don't worry Nikolai, the fashionista is on the case!" She paused. "Although today is a day off. Is there anything you want to do?"

Nikolai nodded. "Yes, in fact, I am going to go out drinking with Berry Punch," he held up a small, brown sack of bits, his daily pay. "It's kinda neat that this world uses actual gold coins."

Rarity pondered to herself. "I'm usually not a drinking mare, but I think I would appreciate a drink or two. You wouldn't mind if I were to tag along, would you, darling?"

Nikolai put a friendly arm around Rarity, smiling. "Of course you can come. The more the merrier."

The two continued walking into town, eventually running into Berry Punch, who sat on the bridge.

Berry smiled warmly at Rarity. "Well, if it isn't Miss Prissy," she said in a joking tone. "Good to see you, Rarity! How goes things at the Boutique?"

Rarity returned a joke. "If it isn't Miss Intoxication. Things are going quite swell, Berry. Nikolai informed me of an outing to the bar. I hope you don't mind, but I decided to join you for the occasion."

Berry nodded. "Of course, Rarity. We'd love the company."

"Wonderful, drinks for everybody!" Nikolai laughed merrily.

"Well, maybe just one for me," Rarity assured. "I don't want to get anything more than a nice buzz."

"Aw," Nikolai frowned. "It's no fun when you're only a little drunk."

Rarity sighed. "Nikolai, you really need to learn the concept of self-control."

"All Nikolai needs to learn is where this bar is at, then he would be a happy Russian," the drunk managed a calmer smile.

Berry chuckled at their exchange as the three began to happily trot to the bar. It didn't take long to reach the destination. It was a rather cozy-looking establishment on a street corner, and it looked surprisingly welcoming and peaceful for a bar. A small sign next to it had The Hopping Gryphon etched in a neat carving.

"Wait, does this place have gryphons, too? And do they hop?" Nikolai questioned.

"Ah, yes, some gryphons do live in Equestria. I wouldn't know if they hopped, I only ever met one. She wasn't exactly friendly with the townsfolk, I'm afraid," Rarity commented.

"Yeah, what she did to Fluttershy was uncalled for. She was a bitch," Berry frowned.

"Berry, language," Rarity chastised.

"Rarity, we're at a bar, I'm pretty sure there aren't any fillies around to hear my cider-mouth."

Rarity shook her head. "Still, it is not ladylike to swear."

Nikolai belched loudly.

"Neither is that, Nikolai."

"Hey! Nikolai is no lady! Nikolai is big, strong, manly, Russian, with chest hairs on his chest hairs!"

"Chesthairception?" Berry thought out loud.

"I guess so," Nikolai replied, casually opening the door, letting the three inside.

The bar looked very similar to a typical small-town bar. It was small, with a few tables and a bar with about ten barstools. The floor was wooden, just like the walls. There were a few windows, and some candles that were currently not lit, presumably as a night-time light source.

A pegasus mare sat at the counter, cleaning a shot glass with surprising enthusiasm. She had an exceptionally red mane that was rough and unkept like Berry's, an equally bright teal coat, green eyes, and a single cherry for a cutie mark. At the sound of the door opening, the mare looked up from her work and eyed the three customers with a smile. The bar was almost empty, much to Nikolai's surprise.

"Heya, Berry Punch! My best customer!" She greeted happily. "How are things?"

Berry returned the smile, as did Rarity and Nikolai. "Things have been going great, Cherry Pop. It was a good day at work, and I brought some friends over for some drinks," she sat at one of the bar stools, followed by the other two. She pointed a hoof at Rarity. "I believe you two have already met before."

"Ah, yes, Miss Rarity. I see her occasionally," she smiled at the mare.

"You do make some absolutely delightful cider, if I do say so myself," Rarity admitted.

"And this guy," Berry playfully smacked Nikolai's arm. "You could say he's new in town."

"Hello, my name's Nikolai. Do you have any vodka?"

Cherry nodded, not at all visibly surprised by the human. "Of course, Nikolai. We have some of everything," she waved a hoof at the various bottles behind her. She was right; everything from beer, to whiskey, to alcoholic cider, to vodka. "What will you have, Berry?"

Berry pondered this for a few seconds. She was an adventurous drinker, always willing to try new things. "Give me some of that new cider. You know, the kind that they make with zap apples?"

Cherry Pop's smile faded. "Are you sure? I heard it's only for the truly adventurous."

Berry frowned. "Cherry, I thought you would know me better than that."

Cherry laughed a little. "Relax, Berry. I was just joking. Of course you can have some," the bartender then turned to Rarity. "And what about you, Miss Rarity? The usual cider?"

"Oh, you know me well," the unicorn allowed a polite smile, opening her bit bag and pulling out three bits with her magic. "It's cheap, too!"

"Yeah, pa always said that the way to a pony's heart was through cheap liquor. He wasn't wrong, business is as good as ever," Cherry explained as she poured a mug of cider for Rarity, a shot of vodka for Nikolai, and another mug, this time zap apple cider, for Berry Punch. "If things keep going like this, maybe we can open a branch in Stalliongrad, bars always do good there."

"Oh, yeah. I've always wanted to go to Stalliongrad sometime, but it's too far north, and I've got to stick around for the berry-picking anyway."

Nikolai gulped down his shot. "Oh, that was good. Another, please?" He asked as he put four bits on the counter.

"Of course," Cherry assured, pouring another shot. Nikolai gulped it down without any hesitation.

Rarity calmly sipped her cider. "This is rather delightful. It's definitely well worth the cost."

"Thank you, I am the best bartender in town."

Nikolai, still sober, realized something. "Aren't you going to gawk at me like the rest of these ponies?" He gestured around the room. The evening rush had yet to arrive, but a few other ponies were scattered around the bar, most stealing an occasional curious glance.

"No, you're a customer, that's all I need to know," Cherry retained her smile as she went back to cleaning a glass. "Let me know if you need anything else," she said as she went over to serve some other ponies.

"So, how was your first day on the job, Nikolai?" Berry asked. "I remember Twilight saying something about it after you left this morning."

"It was a long day. Days seem so much longer now that there are no zombies to kill. The others are lucky."

Rarity pondered to herself about what kind of world did Nikolai come from if he genuinely missed killing zombies. It gave her a shudder just thinking about it.

"Killing zombies sounds way more fun than picking berries," Berry Punch agreed.

Rarity nearly spit out her cider when she realized that Berry actually agreed with him.

"But, eight hours of carpentry, it's not fun, it's way too easy. I'd rather be helping Richtofen with his crazy antics."

"Richtofen is such a funny name, sounds like something out of Muneighch. Your world sounds awesome, Nikolai,"

"Not to me," Rarity groaned. "Cherry, darling," the unicorn waved at the pegasus. "Another mug, please?" Cherry nodded, pouring another mug as Rarity paid for it.

Nikolai chuckled. "Well, well, looks like someone wanted more than one drink, after all."

Rarity managed a smile. "Yes, it seems I need a little more to relax. Two should be enough," she reassured both Nikolai and herself as she took the refilled mug into her hooves.

. . .

"This is not good," Nikolai flat-out stated. Berry, right next to him, was laughing uncontrollably at the scene that unfolded in front of them.

"What do you *hic* mean I've had *hic* enough, darling? I've got half a mind to reach over this counter and kick your flank!" A drunken Rarity threatened an absolutely terrified Cherry Pop.

"Miss Rarity, please! Go home, you're drunk!" Cherry Pop urged. The other customers watched in awe. Rarity growled ferociously at the statement.

"I'm not *hic* drunk enough to buck you up!" She levitated a random bottle from the shelf and smashed it, creating a weapon. "I'm not going to ask *hic* you again, darling. May I please have another BUCKING mug?!"

"Rarity, Nikolai thinks it's time to leave," He urged, though he was also half-drunk himself. Berry was practically rolling on the floor, emitting an obnoxious drunken guffaw.

Rarity turned on Nikolai, holding the bottle to his own throat. "It's not time to go until The Raremeister says it's time to go, hairless monkey!"

"Why does everyone keep calling me that?!"

"Because you are one!" Rarity cried before switching back to Cherry. "Now, about that drink..."

The sound of another bottle breaking cut into the uneasy atmosphere.

"Back off, Miss Rarity," Cherry calmly ordered through her jaw, clenching a bottle of what was once vodka.

"No! Such a waste!" Nikolai cried sadly. He broke his own bottle, and held it at Cherry. "I can't let anymore alcohol become wasted. I'm sorry, Cherry, nothing personal.

"Hands. . ."

Nikolai turned around, noticing Lyra Heartstrings holding a large butcher knife to his back. Needless to say, the Russian practically shrieked.

"Hands off!"

To his surprise, Berry smashed her own bottle, and held it against Lyra. In less than twenty-four hours, the two had changed from bitter rivals, to good drinking buddies. Nikolai smiled at Berry.

Nevertheless, things had developed into a Mexican standoff. Rarity held a bottle to Cherry, as did Nikolai, Cherry held a bottle to Rarity, Lyra had a knife to Nikolai, and Berry had a bottle to Lyra. Nobody really knows how Lyra had snuck into the bar with a knife, but she had come to make her move.

"So," Nikolai asked, everyone still ready for all-out war. "What do we do now?"

"Stare at each other tensely, for dramatic effect!" Berry insisted.

The five participants all stood, motionless, the rest of the ponies in the room watching the drama unfold with awe. That is, until Rarity drunkenly swung the bottle at Cherry, with predictable slowness. Cherry effortlessly dodged, set the bottle down, and knocked Rarity in the noggin with her hooves, knocking out the drunk seamstress.

Nikolai, occupied with watching the fight unfold, managed to get lucky when Lyra swung the blade, as it just barely grazed his right hand. The drunk Russian backed off into the back of the bar, ready to stand his ground. Berry got ready to subdue, Lyra, but a surprise buck from the unicorn caught her off guard, causing her to get slammed into the wall.

At this point, whatever order that remained in the bar dissolved into such a chaos that would make Discord himself proud. As the remaining ponies in the bar scattered, Lyra slowly trotted over to Nikolai, her butcher knife idly swinging in the air. The drunk Russian scanned around for a weapon, anything. His eyes settled for a barstool that sat next to him.

"Back, psycho pony!" Nikolai warned fearlessly. "Back, I say! Nikolai commands it!"

Lyra did not stop her advance, she was just now out of swinging range. "I want your hands," she muttered, still retaining a slasher grin. "After all these years of waiting, my wish is finally going to come true."

"Uh, wrong," Nikolai spat. Lyra immediately swung the knife, but Nikolai blocked it with his stool and whacked Lyra back.

"Cherry, a little help?!" Nikolai frantically asked the bartender. "Please?!"

The bartender was too busy staring at Rarity's unconscious body, horrified that she had to resort to violence against such a notorious pony.

"Psycho pony! Think about this! Is it really worth it?!"

Lyra chuckled, closing in for a second attempt on Nikolai's hands. Nikolai raised his barstool to block the incoming attack. The green unicorn was expecting this now, and swung the blade in such a way that it sliced the barstool into pieces. Luckily, Nikolai's hands remained unscathed. Without the stool, however, he was unarmed, and out of options. Lyra was right on top of him. Nikolai closed his eyes and waited for the pain. However, nothing came but the sound of whipping rope. Nikolai opened his eyes in confusion, only to see Lyra wrapped up in a lasso.

"What in tha' hay is goin' on here?" A familiar voice echoed.

"Applejack! Thank God, you arrived just in time!"

"Ah' come in for a late-night drink, and ah' have to deal with this?!" She gestured with her free hoof at the scene. Rarity remained unconscious and frizzled, Cherry cowered behind the bar, Berry was lying up against the wall, gripping her abdomen in pain, Lyra was struggling to break free from Applejack's grip, and to top it all off, several ponies were knocked out during the anarchy.

"Things escalated quickly," Berry groaned. "Ugh, Lyra. . ."

"Lemme go!" Lyra pleaded. "I need his hands! They will be mine!"

"Call the police! We need to put her down before she hurts somebody else!" Nikolai pleaded.

"You mean the guard? I'm on it!" A random stallion unicorn nodded and sprinted out of the bar.

Nikolai, now confident that he was alright, ran over to Berry to help her onto her feet.

"Lyra caught me off-guard," The drunk pony frowned, struggling to stand, even with Nikolai's help. "I hope she didn't break my ribs."

Applejack eyed Rarity and sighed. "Did she go out drinking again? She always says she'll have only one, then she has five or six."

"Yeah, Nikolai was surprised to see her so profane when she was drunk. It was funny, well, until she decided that she wanted another drink."

"Thanks, Nikolai," the drunk pony smiled. "We're cool, right?"

"Oh, yeah, of course. You helped Nikolai back there. But, we need to finish that drinking contest sometime, right?"

Berry smiled slyly. "You bet, and I'll win for sure next time."

Nikolai laughed merrily. "We'll see about that, you drunken fool!"

A local guard finally busted in the door. "I came here as soon as I heard. I hope everypony is OK."

Applejack was busy hog-tying Lyra. "Yeah, good thing."

"So, she finally went off the deep-end?"

"'Fraid so. I think she got a little too excited when she found out humans are real. What are ya' going to do with her?"

"Normally, I would arrest her and send her to be judged by the Princesses, but since It's obvious that she's mentally unstable," he gestured at the unicorn, who cackled wildly. "Yeah, I think she deserves a trip to Ponyville Hospital's Mental Ward until the Princesses can get a hearing with her."

Applejack sighed. "Sorry, Lyra, ah' always did like ya'."

As the guard began to drag Lyra away, things began to die down again in the bar, Nikolai walked over to Cherry, and produced his bit bag.

"Nikolai is sorry, he wants to help pay for damages," he reached into the bag, but only felt the soft cloth. "Oh, wait. . . C'mon. . . Nope, no money, sorry,"

"It's OK, Nikolai," Cherry gave him an understanding look. "I'm just glad this Rarity and Lyra fiasco is over."

The guard reached the door and noticed that Berry lied on the ground, clutching her ribs. "Do you need to go to the hospital, mam?"

"No, no," Berry reassured. "I think I'm good. Nikolai here will take me home, right Nikolai?"

"Oh, da, OK."

Applejack held a bottle of whiskey in her mouth, and had Rarity carried out to a cart. She set the bottle down to say farewell. "Ah' guess Ah'll take Miss Drunk-Off-Her-Ass back home. Take care, you too!" She smiled and waved as Nikolai lifted up Berry into his arms.

"See ya sometime, Applejack," Berry yawned.

"Don't forget, you still owe me for that cider you stole. That was hard on the farm."

Berry blushed, embarrassed. "Oh, yeah, right."

"Bye, Applejack. Nikolai will see you soon. . . Maybe for a drink."

Nikolai swung Berry over his shoulder as the two began to walk home.

"Hey, watch it!" Berry pleaded.

"Oh, but you're so heavy. Holding you up makes Nikolai's arms so tired."

"I'm a pony, a little pony."

"My Little Pony," Nikolai chuckled, leaving Berry confused. "Just kidding."

"So, what happened at the bar, that was unexpected."

"Oh, it was awesome! Who knew that something like that could happen in a land of bright little ponies?"

"Uh, I'm pretty sure most of the readers would know that," Berry added. Her sentence was followed by a loud thud of another wall collapsing.

"I'm going to find out who's destroying this wall over and over again!" The same unknown voice from chapter 3 vowed.

Night had fallen on Ponyville now, and the streets were much less crowded than they had been in the daytime. Those who did walk the streets did so in small groups of friends, obviously heading to various outings. The atmosphere was much more peaceful than it had been during the busy day. Berry pointed out her house from a long row of identical houses, and Nikolai let her inside.

"OK," the drunk Russian said as he set her down and opened the door. "Here we are," he eyed Berry's house. It was rather scattered and chaotic, with empty beer bottles littering the floor, a torn couch with multiple stains of what Nikolai assumed was alcohol, almost no light entered the room, only a little dim moonlight from a window.

"Wow, looks like Nikolai's house, except no bitch wife complaining of hard times."

"Yep," Berry found the strength to stand and limp onto the couch. "I really need to clean this place out sometime," she put pressure on her ribs and groaned in pain. "Bucker got me good."

There was an awkward pause.

"So, yeah, tonight was fun! We should do this again soon!"

"Hopefully with a little less Lyra, though," Berry frowned. "Tomorrow, I'm going to the doctor's office."

Nikolai wasn't really sure what to say. "Well, I better get going, Twilight must be worried sick."

Berry nodded. "Thanks for taking me home, hairless monkey."

Nikolai allowed himself a small smile. "You're welcome, rainbow pony."

. . .

Twilight paced back and forth nervously, while Spike sat against the wall, giving her an annoyed glance.

"Stop worrying, Twilight. I'm sure Nikolai is all right."

"He should have been home hours ago, what's taking him?"

"Maybe he's working overtime?" Spike offered.

"Unlikely," Twilight answered. "It's just-"

Twilight was cut off by a door slam, she turned and saw Nikolai walk by.

"Where have you been?!" Twilight asked. "I was worried sick about you!"

"Drinking with Berry Punch," Nikolai smiled warmly. "It was fun night, to say the least."

Twilight facehoofed herself. Of course, how had she not seem this coming? "Well, I sent word to the princesses about your arrival today. They want you to come to Canterlot tomorrow. They say this is important news."

"What about work?" Nikolai questioned, hoping to trump the nervous Twilight.

"I talked to Rusty about it, he said I had just missed you. He agreed to give you a day off tomorrow. There's no refusing their summons."

Nikolai sighed. "Great, a day off where I have to go to play politics. Nikolai is tired," He complained as he grabbed his two mattresses and put them together. "He'll leave this for future Nikolai to worry about."

Twilight hesitated, and shrugged. If that was the way he wanted to deal with it, then that's how he would get it.

Author's Notes:

This chapter focuses less on humor than the others so far. It was my intention. Also, it may not seem like it has much relevance right now, but this chapter is important, for reasons that not be revealed soon.

Thanks for the positive feedback everybody, your critique helps more than you may expect.

Of Monarchs and Failed Communist Uprisings

Author's Notes:

I'm not going to lie, I feel like this chapter was rushed. I honestly wasn't sure how to write a scene like this and draw it out for a long time, so it feels way too rushed in my opinion. However, it does set up the next act of the story, which will connect with the start of Season 4. So, chapter 10 will be set shortly before the start of the fourth season. As for Nikolai's role in the fourth season, it will vary. There will be some episodes where he will have very little impact, and others where his presence changes things for better or worse. He will hang around with the mane six sometimes, but other times he will be with Berry or Rusty. Anyway, I'm raming on again, just read the chapter and see what I mean.

"What's our next move, Takeo?" Dempsey asked the Japanese man, who had been quiet until now.

Takeo shrugged. "We go along with whatever Richtofen's next crazy idea, because he's the only one who knows the truth about what's going on. It's a risky road. His grip on reality was long gone by Shi No Numa."

"Yeah," Dempsey frowned. "I can't remember anything since Shi No Numa, must have hit my head on something."

Takeo had hoped Tank was beginning to realize that Richtofen may have had a hand in his mind control. Takeo was arguably the strongest-minded person in their group, even after his mind-wipe. The Japanese warrior had considered that it could be Richtofen's doing, but he wasn't quite convicted yet. If Dempsey hadn't caught on yet, then Takeo knew Nikolai had not either.

"Do you ever get the feeling that you want to slap him?" Dempsey nodded as Richtofen skipped towards the other two World War veterans.

Takeo legitimately thought it over. "Not really," he decided.

"I'm have an idea!" Richtofen cried happily. "It's wunderbar!"

Dempsey let out a worried sigh. "What the next brilliant plan you have, doc?" He sarcastically asked.

"We follow Nikolai by doing exactly what happened to him! It's genius, ja!?"

"You mean. . ." Dempsey's eyes widened as he came to the conclusion. "THAT'S INSANE! How do you expect that to work!?"

Richtofen shrugged. "Well, if Nikolai was sent somewhere in a teleporter, why won't we be sent to the exact same place? Do you have a better plan, Dempshey?" Richtofen teased. Dempsey was silently fuming. "What's that? I can't here you because of your RAGE!" The German doctor cackled as he pried the DG-2 from Dempsey's hands. He motioned to Teleporter 2. "Come, minions- uh, I mean friends, we have an ally to save! Schnell, schnell!" He urged the American and Japanese. They gave each other worried glances.

"Tak. Why do I have the awful feeling that this will go horribly wrong?"

"Because it will, American. Because it will. . ."

Regardless of their doubts, Dempsey and Takeo stepped into Richtofen's teleporter, and awaited whatever fate would do with them. Richtofen wasted no time in firing the Wunderwaffe inside the teleporter. Instantly, a similar red lightning surrounding the three super soldiers.

Richtofen began to laugh. "Nikolai was right! It does tickle the skin! How quaint!"

"Why don't you pull your pants down and enjoy it more, Richtofen?" Dempsey joked. Surprisingly, Takeo managed a light chuckle in response.

"Good idea, Dempshey!" Richtofen smiled as he began to reach for his belt.

"Oh, no. Nonononononono," Dempsey and Takeo shielded their eyes. "Don't go there!"

"Fine," Richtofen sighed, sounding genuinely disappointed.

Suddenly, the area was engulfed in a bright white light, and they were off.

But not to Equestria.

The three awoke to find themselves in a derelict building. It appeared the room they were in was an entry foyer of some sort. There were two staircases, leading to the second floor, as well as an area under the second floor directly in front of them. To the left was a boarded window, along with the drawing of a gun they had not seen yet in their travels. To the right was a bar with a Quick Revive machine. It softly played the jingle in an otherwise quiet room.

"Uh," Dempsey scanned around, looking for a possible explanation. He identified a Nazi German banner on the wall near the left set of stairs. He instantly turned to Richtofen.

"Well, doc, now you've gone and done it. We're in another German facility."

"Ah, yes, this was the theater where Maxis was to unveil the teleporter. It never happened, thanks to me unleashing Fluffy. Anyway, Dempshey, shouldn't you know this by now? This is Kino Der Toten!"

"N00b!" Takeo shouted.

"OK, OK, stop breaking the fourth wall guys. That's my job."

Shortly after saying this, the power in the theater suddenly shorted out.

"Like right now. Hey, Treyarch! Can we get a new objective, please?" Dempsey shouted at the roof.

. . .

"Time to get up, Sleeping beauty!" Spike eagerly tapped the sleeping Nikolai, who only grunted weakly in response. Spike, however, was a persistent one, and continued tapping him until he finally rolled over and eyed the baby dragon with a death glare.

"Nikolai is trying to sleep, please let me be," It came off more as a threat than a request. Spike backed away, obviously threatened by the much larger human.

Twilight, who was also in the room, was not about to let this happen, however. "Oh no," she shook her head. "You can't sleep in today, we have to meet the princesses now."

Nikolai shifted his stare from Spike to Twilight. "I'm not going to ask nicely again. Will you please allow Nikolai to get some more sleep?" He growled.

Twilight gave him an agitated stare, the tone of her voice changing to an irritated one. "Do you realize how much you would be disrespecting the princesses, no, our very culture, if you refuse to visit when summoned?"

Nikolai only snorted and flipped over.

Twilight snorted and decided to try a different approach to getting the rude Russian out of bed. Once again, she adopted a different tone of voice, this time a saddened one. Her facial expression changed, so that she looked crushed from sadness. It was absolutely adorable.

"Nikolai, please? Pretty please?"

"Look, I already told you, I-" Nikolai was stopped after rolling over and seeing Twilight's cute, sad face. It felt like a punch in the gut.

"OK, Nikolai will get up."

Twilight instantly perked up and smiled big. "It's good to see you came around," She turned and whispered in Spike's ear. "Works every time," Once again, she turned to face Nikolai. "Now, you'll need a bath before-"

Nikolai jumped back. "AH! A bath! My only weakness! Besides vodka, heh heh heh."

"C'mon, Nikolai. It's just a bath. You'll feel good afterwards," Twilight was losing patience. It felt like she was talking to a little foal.

"No, Nikolai doesn't want a bath. Each blood stain on Nikolai's skin tells a story," He rolled up a sleeve, revealing a dried-up patch of blood that resembled a banana. "Like this one, it tells of fifth wife's death by axe."

Twilight wasn't really sure what to say at this point. So, all while keeping a disturbed expression on her face, she magically opened Nikolai's brown bag, pulled out a single bottle of vodka, and tossed it into the bathroom. Of course, Nikolai took off straight for the vodka, and Twilight slammed the door behind him and barricaded it with a large pile of books. There was some banging, but the door managed to stay shut.

"Hey, no fair! You played dirty trick on Nikolai!"

Twilight smirked. Mission accomplished.

. . .

Eventually, Nikolai did emerge from the bathroom, soaking wet and squeaky clean. He quickly slipped on his old clothes, and looked ready to go. He said nothing to Twilight, still very pissed. The good news was that he now smelt clean, so they had that.

"Right," Twilight frowned. "We better get going, the train to Canterlot will arrive soon."

Without any kind of reply, Spike and Nikolai followed her out the door.

The train station was occupied by many ponies, among them being Twilight's friends, except Rarity. Though none of them had any reason to tag along with Twilight, they had all decided to be with her and help her explain the situation. Celestia and Luna were understanding princesses, though. They probably just want a simple explanation.

When the four ponies noticed Twilight, Nikolai, and Spike arriving, they quickly waved at her, and the three met up with them.

"Hey, y'all!" Applejack greeted. "Good timing. The train is coming soon."

"Hey, Applejack!" Spike returned her greeting. He then looked around. "Where's Rarity?"

"Uh, she's, uh. . ."

"Sleeping late!" Nikolai nervously blurted, neither wishing to speak of the events that transpired last night.

Twilight turned to him, and gave him a suspicious stare. "How would you know that, Nikolai?"

"Because, umm, uh, VODKA!" Nikolai desperately tried to change the subject, reaching into his brown bag and pulling out the last bottle of vodka.

Applejack, who faced Nikolai along with the rest of the ponies, mouthed 'Nikolai, what are you doing!?'.

'Distraction. Play along.'

"That doesn't answer the question, Nikolai," Twilight pressured again. "How would you know why Rarity is not here?"

"Apples!" Applejack shouted randomly. "Boy, ah' sure love 'em!"

Pinkie smiled. "Me too!"

Twilight stared down both Applejack and Nikolai, and both wore nervous grins.

"Just what are you two playing at?"

"Well, duh, silly, they're trying to hide the fact that Rarity passed out drunk last night at the bar," Pinkie informed.

"I don't even know how," Nikolai stared at Pinkie with a mixture of awe and fear.

"What was Rarity doing at the bar-"

TOOT!

"Oh, look, the train's here!" Rainbow Dash announced.

"Obviously, Rainbow Hair," the Russian growled under his breath.

Twilight decided to forget about the current subject and to just board the train with everypony else. Soon enough, the ponies, Spike, and Nikolai had all found seats. Nikolai sat with Spike, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie sat across from them, and Fluttershy, Twilight, and Applejack had managed to squeeze into a booth together.

"So," Nikolai questioned. "What exactly do you think of these princesses, Spike? What's their defense look like?"

"Why would you care about their defense?" Spike asked.

"Because I plan to overthrow him and establish a communist agenda, of course," Nikolai whispered.

"Heh, good luck," Spike chuckled.

"Why do you say that, little dragon?"

"They're goddesses. It takes more than a single human to beat them."

"Then I shall convince the common herd to follow in my path, and together, we shall end the era of tyranny!" Nikolai laughed triumphantly.

Spike was about to discourage this plan, too, but decided that it wouldn't hurt Celestia or Luna that much, considering that they are still popular rulers among the citizens of Equestria. Knowing Celestia, she might even find his attempt at overthrowing her funny.

The ponies all discussed various things on the long train ride to Canterlot, and Nikolai got to know Spike's life story.

"So, let Nikolai get this straight. You are a dragon, a DRAGON, and you are a servant to a pony?"

"No, she's like my big sister, not my master," Spike defended.

Nikolai blew a raspberry. "Sure, but don't you wish you could be free? Or at the very least, get paid for your work?"

Spike thought about this. "It would be nice, but I still love Twilight no matter what, pay or no pay."

Nikolai shrugged. "This world is a little crazy. How about, when you're older, we go to the bar and discuss this over a drink?"

Spike frowned. "I age much slower than you, by the time I'm fully grown, you will be long gone."

"Oh, well, this conversation this got much more awkward."

TOOT!

Nikolai stared out of the window to see if they had arrived. Sure enough, they were pulling into a large train station, one much larger than the one at Ponyville. Nikolai noticed that they were on a mountainside, and wondered if this was the city he had spotted on a mountain near Ponyville. That couldn't be right, it looked so much closer than it actually was.

Twilight got up from her seat and trotted over to Nikolai. "Now, I know how you act, and I want you to behave yourself in front of the princesses. You're meeting royalty here, and I want you to treat them as such. Are we clear?"

Nikolai groaned. "Fine. But as a communist, I don't like the sound of meeting royalty. Are you sure we have to do this?"

"For the last time, yes."

As the train came to a complete stop, the five ponies, dragon, and human filed out in a neat line. All of the ponies that were at the station immediately stopped whatever they were doing to stare at the strange creature in their presence.

"Oh, come on, not this shit again. Is this going to happen every time I step into a new town!?"

"Oh my," Fluttershy squeaked. "I don't like having all of this attention."

"It's alright, everypony, we can skip the long walk to the castle," Twilight assured with a smile. "All of you hold into me."

"Wait, why?" Nikolai asked as he put a hand on the back of Twilight's neck. He didn't have time to get an answer before Twilight teleported all of them to the castle's throne room. Celestia and Luna sat, allowing welcoming smiles to Twilight and her friends.

"Hello, Princess Celestia!" Twilight did not hesitate to run up to the white pony and give her a big hug. "It's so good to see you again,"

Celestia let out a warm chuckle. "It's been some time, hasn't it?" She glanced over at Nikolai, putting on a slightly more serious expression. "Is this the human that you said Fluttershy found?"

"Yes, and I brought him here on your request."

"Thank you, Twilight," she broke off the hug and trotted over to Nikolai, followed by Princess Luna. "I'm sure this has all been very confusing to you. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Princess Celestia, co-ruler of Equestria, and this is my younger sister, Princess Luna."

The younger alicorn gave a shy smile, still having some trouble talking to strangers. "WE ARE PLEASED TO MEET THOU!" she spoke in the royal Canterlot voice, startling Nikolai. "Oops, sorry, I sometimes forget that we don't talk in that voice anymore."

Nikolai now had a frightened expression on his face. Of all the things he had seen in his life, this had to be the thing that scared him, a talking pony that seemed to have a built-in megaphone inside of her.

Celestia gave him a comforting smile. "It's OK, Luna doesn't bite. She just barks sometimes," the older alicorn joked. "Anyway, it's time for you to meet the citizens of Canterlot. There are many waiting outside to hear from you. Why don't you go out onto the balcony and show them that you're not here to hurt anypony?" Celestia gestured to a small balcony, and Nikolai walked out to meet a crowd of variously colored Earth ponies, unicorns, and pegasi. Each one eyed him with various emotions ranging from confusion, intrigue, fear, and boredom.

"It's like she wants me to make my speech," Nikolai muttered to himself before clearing his throat. He eyed the crowd and began his speech.

"People- er, ponies of Equestria, are you tired of living merely as filthy peasants for an uncaring monarch? Are you tired of working hard, only to have the rich take your hard-earned crops, money, and possessions? Are you tired of bowing to a princess that simple does not care for you? No longer will Equestria suffer under the iron fist of monarchy! No longer will Equestria be led by a rich, ruling class, while the common people suffer! Join me, and together, we shall usher in a new golden age for Equestria! What do you say!?"

There was nothing but the sounds of chirping crickets. One mare in the crowd raised a hoof.

"Yes, fellow citizen?" Nikolai answered.

"But, we like Celestia. She and Luna are good rulers."

Nikolai blushed in embarrassment. "Well, under my rule, you would have a great and fair ruler."

Another hoof in the air. "But Celestia and Luna are already great and fair."

"Ah, fine, monarchy it is! My name is Nikolai! I come from a far-off land known as The Soviet Union, and we like to make jokes about communism! I wasn't being serious in the slightest!"

Upon realizing that Nikolai was joking (as far as they knew), the crowd bursted into laughter. Celestia appeared beside Nikolai, and she didn't appear angered in the slightest.

"Yes, yes," she praised. "Excellent joke, Nikolai. We here in Equestria are happy to have you, and hope that your time here is a pleasant one," she smiled. "Thank you, citizens of Canterlot and beyond, for coming out to meet Nikolai!"

Nikolai and Celestia trotted back inside. Twilight had heard the whole thing, and she was beet red from embarrassment.

"He is so lucky that Celestia is a forgiving pony," she muttered under her breath. Sure enough, Celestia knew very well that her subjects were loyal to her, so she was not at all angry with Nikolai. Twilight, however, was furious. She had asked him multiple times to behave in front of the monarchs, and then he pulled a stupid stunt like that in front of countless ponies. She would likely never hear the end of this.

"I think we should really get going," Rainbow Dash announced.

Twilight quickly nodded, ashamed that Celestia had to experience this obvious rebellion attempt. "Yeah, we really need to get going, now!" She cried urgently. She grabbed onto Nikolai, with everyone else grabbing onto her, and summoned all the magic she had to send them back to Ponyville.

Celestia sighed. "It's a shame, they couldn't stay for cake."

Luna chuckled. "I think you have your priorities mixed up, sister."

. . .

Twilight had just enough energy to send the seven ponies back to her library, as she literally passed out afterwards.

Nikolai, aware of what would happen if he stayed here when Twilight came home, quickly stood up and bolted out the door without even saying anything, leaving the four ponies and dragon standing there in confusion.

Nikolai sprinted down the street to Berry's house. He would need a place to lay low for a little while, maybe a week, until Twilight calmed down.

He just hoped that she could handle a housemate like him

Of Refuge and Royal Rage

Berry Punch lied uncomfortably on her couch, a bandage strapped around her undersection. As it turned out, Lyra's buck had done some significant damage to her ribcage. The doctor had forced her to wear this compressed bandage so that she would not get hurt anymore than she had already. Berry groaned, wishing that healing magic for fractured bones existed. She managed to sit upright, and reach over for her homemade martini nearby. As she gulped down the fruity beverage, she wondered how things were going today for Nikolai. She had noticed, on the way way back from the hospital, that the Carousel Boutique was closed due to 'Unexpected Shipment Problems'. Berry had chuckled, knowing full well what had happened to keep the Boutique shut down. Perhaps Rarity would finally learn her lesson after this last incident; that hangovers are a bitch.

The irony of that was that Berry herself was completely aware of bad hangovers, but continued to drink her troubles away every night. You would think that she would wise up and drink less to get more hangover. However, for Berry, the reward was worth the risk.

The drinking pony sat on her couch, lost in thought for some time, before she finally heard a rapid knocking on her door.

"Who could that be?" She mumbled, irritated that her quiet afternoon was about to be interrupted by Celestia-knows-who. She once again shuffled off of the couch and slowly trotted to the door, taking her sweet time opening it. She perked up slightly to see that it was Nikolai, much more happy to see that it was a good friend. However, he seemed troubled. The Russian ducked into the home without saying a word and shut the door.

"Oh, yes, make yourself right at home, hairless monkey," she sarcastically teased.

"Did anyone see me?" Nikolai glanced out one her windows. Berry noticed Rainbow Dash slowly hovering down the street, glancing around, as if looking for something. . . Or somepony.

She immediately turned to Nikolai. "Why are you hiding?"

Nikolai did not even try to hide his anxiety. "Nikolai may have tried to start a communist revolution. Results were not good."

Berry's expression twisted into a shocked one. "Don't tell me you pissed off Celestia! Oh, you're in for it!"

Nikolai quickly made a 'shush' gesture. "No, no, no. It wasn't Celestia, she laughed like Nikolai had just told a joke."

Berry breathed a sigh of relief.

"It was Twilight."

Never mind, Berry was nervous again.

"Twilight!? This isn't good. She's much more impulsive to things like this. . . Give her a week, and she'll cool off. Until then, you need to lay low here. I'll hide you in my attic."

Nikolai glanced around at Berry's relatively crappy house. "You mean this place has an attic?"

Berry nodded, rolling her eyes. "Way to focus on the current situation, hairless monkey," she stated with a deadpan expression. She trotted up some stairs, followed by Nikolai, who gave one last look at the door, as if expecting Twilight to burst in at any moment.

The two soon made it into the attic, which was completely dark. Nikolai began to feel around, tripping over various junk. The drunk felt several shards of glass stuck in various parts of his body.

"Ow! That hurt!" Nikolai cried out. Berry couldn't help but laugh.

"I'll be back with a firefly lantern," she assured. Nikolai began picking the tiny pieces of glass out of his skin and clothing, grunting in pain with each one, until Berry returned with a lantern and a smug grin.

"What's the matter? I thought you were a big, strong, manly Russian," she joked.

"With chest hairs, you can't forget about the chest hairs," Nikolai reminded.

If the house was a wreck, then the attic was a 20-car pile-up. Shattered glass was everywhere, along with plastic cups that had not been properly used in a long time. The wallpaper was once white, but had since been stained a deep brown in multiple spots. Nikolai hoped it wasn't coated by what he thought it was. There were no decorations, no windows, not even a single light source was found in the room. To top it off, it reeked of an indescribable stench that caused the drunk's nostrils to burn with fury.

Berry was taking it in as well, forgetting just how bad she had left it since the last time. "Yeah, I remember this. It was when I invited Derpy over to help clean the attic. One thing led to another, and we ended up causing the biggest mess!" She laughed. "But that's the last time I let her help me clean my house," she added with a more serious tone.

Nikolai moved some glass shards out of his way and sat down. "What is a drunk Russian to do in a situation like this? I can't exactly pass the time by killing zombies, you know."

Berry Punch noticed a notepad and pencil laying in the corner of the room. She grabbed it, blew the dust off, and handed it to Nikolai.

"Here, write a diary," she offered before trotting away awkwardly, leaving Nikolai alone in the attic.

. . .

Inside Twilight's library, Fluttershy was watching over the passed out alicorn with a concerned expression. Everyone else had gone out in search of Nikolai, but they had been gone for about an hour, and Fluttershy was beginning to get worried. She knew Nikolai had worked himself into a pickle with Twilight, but it would be better to get it over with now than to hide it for later.

The pegasus nodded to herself. Surely he would come around soon enough.

Twilight was beginning to stir already, despite not having that long to sleep. She sat up and groaned, eyeing Fluttershy.

"What happened?" She asked groggily.

"Uh, it's Nikolai. He-"

Twilight cut her off, remembering the absolutely horrific stunt that the human had tried to pull. It was an embarrassment to her, and just plain disrespectful to Celestia and Luna.

"Where is he?" She asked sternly. Fluttershy could only whimper in response.

Twilight was angry, but not combusting with rage yet. "I just need to talk to him. Maybe teach him a few things."

"Um, I'm sorry, Twilight, I really am, but the others haven't come back with him yet."

Twilight scrunched up slightly. "He left?"

Fluttershy hesitantly nodded.

Twilight sighed. "I'll be right back,"

A quick teleport sent Twilight to a secluded hillside just outside of Ponyville. The birds were chirping in perfect harmony, while the flowers were blooming in beautiful colors and smelling wonderful, and best of all, there were no ponies within earshot.

So peaceful.

Twilight then began to swear loudly with every known word in the dictionary. After she was done, she bit into a flower and chewed on it.

"Mmm, clovers, the perfect stress food!" She allowed a happy thought before teleporting back to Fluttershy. She had let all of her fury out on the hill, so she now appeared happier.

"I'm good now," Twilight offered. "But whenever Nikolai pokes his head out of wherever he's hiding, he'll be in for it," She added darkly.

Fluttershy wasn't quite sure how to respond to Twilight's sudden mood change, so she casually backed up to the door, opened it, and booked it away as fast as possible.

Author's Notes:

I know it was a rather short chapter, but this time it was planned to be short. Next chapter will hopefully be much longer and kick of the second arc of the story. Thanks for reading! I have no idea when the next chapter will be out!

I Ran Out Of Chapter Names

Berry Punch sat on her couch, reading a book and sipping a bottle of whiskey. All was surprisingly quiet and tranquil, something the mare had not expected from her new roommate. Nikolai had not made a peep for the past half-hour, so the pony decided that she would get some reading in.

She would never admit it publicly, but she loved Daring Do books. Yes, they may be for younger audiences, but the adventures of the pegasus explorer excited and enticed the drinking earth pony. Rainbow Dash was more open about her love for the series, but she was also in denial that the series was for young colts and fillies. Despite anypony who told her otherwise, Rainbow was adamant about this fact.

The earth pony was jolted out of focus from her reading by a knock at her door. She let out an audible sigh, annoyed by her sudden interruption. Nevertheless, she trotted over to the door and opened it.

Speak of the devil, Rainbow Dash stood on the other side, an irritated expression etched on her face.

"Oh, hi Rainbow Dash! What's up?"

Rainbow Dash glanced behind Berry, peering into her house. The irritation on her face changed to minor surprise.

"Wow, your house is a dump!" Rainbow blurted. "I mean. . . Hi, Berry!"

Berry's smile twisted into a frown. "Gee, thanks."

Rainbow snapped back to what she came her for. "Anyway, have you seen Nikolai around lately?"

Oh, this is what she came here for. Berry mentally kicked herself for not realizing sooner. She began to quickly think of an excuse for why Nikolai wouldn't be hiding in her attic.

"No, I, uh, haven't seen him since we went drinking last night. I wonder where he could be? It's not like I keep track of him or anything. . . Heh."

Rainbow did not look convinced. "I'm coming in."

"Uh, uh," Berry smiled and shut the door in Rainbow's face.

"She's hiding something, or someone," Rainbow said to herself.

. . .

"Is everything OK, Berry?" Came a voice from the attic. "Nikolai heard Rainbow Hair in the background."

"Uh," Berry started. "I think you've already been found out."

"What!?" Nikolai screamed. "It hasn't even been a day yet!"

"I know!"

"I thought you knew what you were doing!"

"I forgot!"

"Well, I'm screwed!"

"Why are we yelling!?"

"I don't know!"

"Well, let's stop, OK!?"

"OK!"

Nikolai walked downstairs, groaning all the way. "Forget it, I'll go get my execution out of the way. Nikolai hopes they will have vodka for their last meal selection."

"Oh, quit being dramatic," Berry smiled, rolling her eyes. "Execution hasn't been legal in Equestria for thousands of years," She was telling the truth. Not even Discord and Sombra had legalized execution under their rule, with Discord just not being that cruel and Sombra preferring life as a slave than death. "The only reason I panicked was that I didn't want any part of this drama. You might get hauled back to Canterlot, where Twilight will let Celestia deal with you, and Celestia will let you off the hook."

"Oh, so it's a fate worse than death."

Berry laughed. "You're such a drama queen."

"Well, I guess I'll just-" Nikolai went to the door, but was stopped from opening it by a sound coming from below the house. It sounded like a faint thump that was growing closer and closer.

"Do you hear that?" Nikolai asked Berry.

"Yes," Berry frowned. "And I hope it isn't what I think it is."

The sound of wood boards suddenly flying in different directions confirmed Berry's suspicions.

"HI! I finally found you! You're good at hide and seek!"

Pinkie had busted in through the floor, her head peeking out at Nikolai with a sly grin. Berry looked at the hole in her floor and facehoofed. Nikolai appeared terrified by Pinkie's sudden appearance, coupled by the fact that she was able to predict everything spot-on.

"So, are you here to take me to Twilight?" Nikolai asked, kneeling in defeat and holding out his hands. "I surrender."

Pinkie cocked her head. "What? No, silly! It's your turn to look for me."

And without another word or hesitation, Pinkie leapt onto the floor, creating yet another hole, and dug away.

"Are you serious!?" Berry gestured at the second hole. "Come on!"

"I guess I'll play her little game," Nikolai admitted. He then flopped all of his weight onto the floor below him, creating yet another hole in the floor.

Berry sighed. "I need a bucking drink."

. . .

"It's showtime!"

Dempsey was running on the stage with his M16, keeping a large zombie train occupied while Takeo and Richtofen were off doing their own things.

Several rounds had passed, with no attempt at saving Nikolai. Takeo was arming up after some bad luck with the box, and Richtofen was searching for meteorite fragments. Dempsey wondered how long they would take. He was getting a good cardio workout right now, that was for sure.

Suddenly, a guitar solo began to play, causing Dempsey to look around for the source. There was none. The music was literally coming out if thin air.

The doors to the dressing room suddenly flew open, revealing Richtofen doing the chicken dance to the music.

"I love musical Easter eggs! They tickle my special place!" He shouted over the hard rock.

Dempsey ran by, still training his horde. "I bet that's not the only thing you let tickle your special place!" He mocked. Unfortunately for Richtofen, Dempsey had sprinted away too fast. The zombies that had chased Dempsey now shifted to Richtofen, eyeing the newer, closer source of meat.

"NEIN!" Richtofen screamed. "I HATE YOU DEMPSHEY!" The German quickly found himself downed, and the zombies turned back to Dempsey, who quickly wiped them out. He ran up to the downed doctor, and a syringe appeared in his hands.

"Can you inject it into my inner thigh? Please?" The doctor begged.

Dempsey rolled his eyes, and injected it into his arm.

"You're no fun," Richtofen frowned as he stood back up.

"Whatever, I only revived you because I needed the points."

Richtofen opened his mouth to argue, but was cut off by a Ray Gun blast. A third human walked onto the stage, a small smile on his lips.

"That's the second map in a row that the box gave you a Ray Gun," Richtofen jealously frowned.

"My ancestors are arming the honorable with the best weapons," Takeo grinned. He nodded at the other two. "You must improve your discipline."

"Anyway," Dempsey changed the subject, turning back to Edward. "How is the saving Nikolai thing going?"

The German rolled his eyes. "Saving your friend from another dimension takes time, Dempshey. Verdammt, you're stupid."

"We haven't done anything for a few rounds. We should be coming up with plans, not let the zombies keep coming!" Dempsey insisted. "I say we-"

"American," Takeo cut off.

Dempsey turned to Takeo. "Yes?"

"We should be more concerned with our survival first. We cannot rescue the dishonorable Russian if we die. We should get prepared first."

"But, but, you have a Ray Gun."

"Yes, I am ready," the Japanese man assured. "But General McDerp over there is not."

Richtofen muttered something in German that neither understood.

Dempsey turned back to Takeo. "I know you and Nikolai don't get along, why are you helping us?"

"Honor."

"Come again?"

"Honor."

"But why do you insist on maintaining your honor?"

"Because honor is honorable."

Dempsey frowned. "I am surrounded by lunatics," he muttered as Richtofen skipped over to the Juggernog machine.

. . .

Bon Bon sat alone on a park bench, listening to the tranquil sound of birds chirping and the friendly chatter of townsfolk. It was a bright, sunny morning, with a rain scheduled for tomorrow. The atmosphere was one of peace and quiet.

She hated it.

Lyra's arrest had turned the relatively rational earth pony's life into a boring one. The mint green unicorn, annoying as she was, had made Bon Bon's life so unpredictable that it was actually exciting, though she would never say it to Lyra.

But, trying to "unhand" a human was a crime. Lyra had gone way too far off the deep end. At least Colgate was still sane. Maybe the two of them could hang out more often. She smiled at the thought.

She was jutted from her thoughts by rumbling earth below her. Something was coming. Something big.

The earth near her suddenly became a hole that was soon filled by Nikolai's head. He scanned around, as if looking for something specific. When he caught eye of Bon Bon, he gave her a smile.

"Hey, you," he paused, trying to remember her name. "Candy pony. Have you seen Pinkie Pie?"

"Umm. . . No?"

"OK, sorry for wasting your time then."

Before Bon Bom could get out another word, the drunk Russian disappeared into the hole again, and more digging was heard. Bon Bon could only wonder how he was digging so efficiently with his bare hands. The pony then shrugged and went about her day.

Nikolai popped up in town, once again looking around for Pinkie. His eyes froze on a bouncing pink figure heading straight for Twilight's Library. Nikolai, having the attention span of a goldfish, soon followed, forgetting that he should be staying away from Twilight. Pinkie entered the library, without a moment's hesitation.

"Ha, Nikolai is stalking pink pony. Pink pony cannot hide!"

He threw open the door, revealing only an angry Twilight.

"Oh. Crap. Nikolai forgot."

"Nikolai, you sure made this difficult, didn't you?"

"I don't know, what do you think?" He quipped.

Twilight rolled her eyes. He reminded her so much of Pinkie. "Listen, I was going to lecture you on how to behave, but Rainbow Dash reminded me that I have flight lessons with her, and she wanted to know if you would come."

"Rainbow Hair teaches you how to fly? I thought you knew."

Twilight began having flashbacks if her many crash landings. Her face winced just thinking about them.

"Are you OK, Twilight? You look constipated. Nikolai suggests some laxatives."

"Huh?" Twilight shook her head, coming out of her thoughts. "No, I'm good. We should get going, the train to Canterlot will be leaving soon."

"OK, lead the-" Nikolai was stopped by his own thinking. "Wait a second, I just thought of something."

"What, exactly?"

"We just came back from Canterlot this morning. Why are we already going back?"

Twilight had not thought about this before, but she quickly realized that Nikolai was right. She had gotten so distracted by his attempt at revolution, that she had forgotten the other reason she had come to Canterlot. The Summer Sun Celebration was almost here, and the Ponyville Princess had been summoned to Canterlot to be with Celestia and Luna. Nikolai's presence was meant to be there too, as the princesses wanted to get to know him.

"I guess in this whole fiasco, I forgot that we were supposed to be there for the Summer Sun Celebration."

"Summer Sun Celebration? Oh, don't tell me I have to be there."

Twilight sighed, her anger drained. "I'm afraid so. It was on the princesses' behalf, not mine. Celestia's intentions were for you to mingle with the ponyfolk at the main event."

"So, the last chapter had absolutely no purpose in driving the plot whatsoever?"

Twilight shrugged. "Basically."

"Well, I feel bad now."

Twilight managed a small smile. "Don't worry about it," she then dropped her grin and turned serious, "But we need to round up our friends, they probably want to see us off."

Nikolai nodded. "Yes, of course. I'll go inform Pink Pony and Fluttershy."

Spike came down the stairs, having heard the entire conversation. "Are we going back, Twilight?"

Twilight turned to Spike, smiling at the dragon. "We have to, Spike. Celestia and Luna need us to be there. There's no way out of it."

Spike knew Twilight was being reasonable, and have a shrug. "Alright, I guess I'll go tell Rarity," he grinned, happy that he would see his crush again.

Nikolai silently thought of what dragon-pony foals would look like, sincerely interested about it. Maybe one day Spike's charm will get Rarity to fall for him. He inwardly chuckled, that would be a surprise. Maybe Richtofen would experiment on them.

Shortly after, the group had come together again at the train station, just as they had before. Some ponies that were there before eyed them with confusion and suspicion. After all, they had departed for Canterlot just this morning, and hadn't returned by train. The ponies paid no mind to the attention they gathered, and simply chatted among themselves as they boarded the train. Nikolai, the last in line, turned back and glared at the ponies, who quickly glanced away awkwardly.

"I swear," Nikolai muttered as the doors shut and he took a seat next to Spike. "If I see another pony stare at me, it will be too soon."

Spike remained optimistic. "Eh, don't worry about it. You'll fit in soon. After all, they accept me now, and I'm a dragon."

Nikolai pondered this. "Yes, but dragons are natives of this world, no?"

Spike nodded. "Yeah, but how-"

"And humans aren't, correct?"

"Uh, right, but-"

"Nikolai's just saying, at least they know what to expect. They know nothing about me. . . Except Pinkie, but she's psycho."

Spike shrugged. "Believe what you want. But this is Equestria, cause no trouble and you'll fit right in."

"What about the communist uprising?"

"Celestia will forgive you for that, trust me."

Twilight and Applejack trotted back to the two non-ponies.

"Howdy, Nikolai."

"Uh, howdy, pard'ner," Nikolai put on the best cowboy accent he could, which sounded like a drunken Russian trying to sound like an American. Quite frankly, it was insulting.

"You know, ah' speak Equestrian' just fine."

"Equestrian? Sounds exactly like English, but what are the odds of that?"

Twilight reached into a saddlebag and pulled out a calculator, causing Nikolai to put a hand to his forehead.

"No, it's rhetorical. Waitress!" He flagged down the server pony, who rolled her way over there.

"Do you have any vodka?" He asked. She replied with a nod. "Good, go fetch me some," he dismissed rudely. She huffed and sped off.

"So, will I need to actually help with anything?" Nikolai questioned the princess. "Nikolai is tired of helping."

"Well, no, just don't say something in front of Celestia that you would regret, and be very careful around Luna, her self-esteem hasn't been so great since the whole Nightmare Moon incident."

"Wait, she had a nightmare where she got mooned?"

Twilight facehoofed. "No, forget it. I'll explain later," she promised as Nikolai's drink arrived. He immediately uncapped the bottle and gulped it down, causing the waitress to gasp in shock. Twilight was covering Spike's eyes, despite the fact that Spike had witnessed drinking before.

Eventually, the train arrived in Canterlot, and the eight travelers stepped out of the train for the second time that day.

"Alright!" Rainbow Dash shouted as she hovered in the air. "Time to see what you're made of, Twilight!" She bursted ahead of the group, heading above the many large buildings in the mountainside city. The other seven were left in the dust to catch up.

. . .

Finally, the group managed to arrive at the park, where Rainbow Dash glared at them.

"Finally," she scoffed. "What took you guys so long?"

"Um, you kinda abandoned us," Fluttershy admitted.

Rainbow Dash floated down until she was back on the ground. "Oh, right," she then turned to Twilight specifically. "Alright, let's get these puppies in the air!"

The two began to flap their way upwards, Rainbow Dash flawlessly soaring while Twilight struggled to get high in the air.

"You gotta really flap 'em hard!" Rainbow offered a tip. Twilight nodded and put on a brave face. The alicorn strained herself and flapped her wings with all of her might, only to crash right into a tree. Nikolai couldn't help himself and burst into sharp laughter.

"Nikolai, that's not nice. She's still learning," Fluttershy scolded.

The drunk Russian wiped a tear from his eye and shut himself up, but he was still grinning. Twilight was still struggling in the air, and she began to fall to the ground like an aircraft shot out of the sky.

Applejack trotted over to her friend and offered a well-intentioned "Lookin' good up there Princess Twilight!"

Twilight shook off her crash landing and smiled at her friend. "Applejack, you know you don't have to call me that."

Rarity stepped forward. "Why do you protest so? You've already given up wearing your crown all the time, the least you can do is embrace your new title."

Twilight shrunk back slightly. "If other ponies want to address me that way, I suppose it's fine. But, not my friends, it just doesn't feel right," she glanced to her backside at her wings. "And neither does all this flying business. The Summer Sun Celebration is only two days away, and at this rate I'm never going to be able to perform my part."

"Eh, drink vodka, it always solves my problems," Nikolai offered, actually trying to give good advice.

"Not if you spend all your time down here, you won't!" Rainbow Dash encouraged, ignoring Nikolai's suggestion. "Now get out there and show everypony the big finish!"

Twilight managed another determined face, spread her wings, and flew. It started out well enough, with Twilight soaring well into the sky. Then she saw the clouds, smashing into the three of them, she then screamed as she fell from the sky, gaining just enough wingpower to keep from crashing. However, she then did a loop and crashed head-first into the ground.

Nikolai pretended to pull out a radio. "Commissar, this is Nikolai, we have a downed horse, repeat, a downed horse. Searching for survivors, over and out," he glanced up to see Fluttershy giving him 'The Stare', causing the drunk Russian to go silent.

"Wow, that was a big finish!" Pinkie cheered, earning a groan from the injured Twilight.

. . .

It had been agreed that Twilight's flying practice was finished after that, and the eight made their way to the castle. As they made their way down the large, empty hall, they noticed a new, stained-glass window, showing Twilight becoming a princess. The ponies all stared in awe, the only ones unimpressed being Nikolai and Twilight.

"You look amazing, darling! They really captured your regality," Rarity swooned over the art. Twilight was visibly uncomfortable. It wasn't like her to be in the spotlight like this.

"I suppose."

"Oh, don't be so modest, it's everypony's dream to wear a crown and have their coronation ceremony preserved in stained glass for all to see!"

"I don't know if it's everypony's dream," Rainbow Dash commented.

"Most of my dreams are about frosting!" Pinkie drooled, fantasizing over the substance. The other seven could only give confused glances.

"We better get going, we don't want to miss our train," Fluttershy spoke up as she remembered what time it was.

"Fluttershy's right, ah' still have bushels to do to get ready. The official celebration may be in Canterlot, but hoo-wee has the mayor put us in charge of one heck of a party back home!"

Twilight looked disappointed when she realized that it was already time to depart with her friends. Nikolai and Spike made her way over to her, and the baby dragon did what he could to reassure her.

Applejack was a pony with a good heart, however, and she trotted over to the princess. "Oh, don't worry, sugarcube, you get to be with all of the other princesses as Celestia raises the sun."

"And I'm honored, really, I am. It's just, the Summer Sun Celebration is what brought us all together, spending it apart just doesn't feel right."

"It doesn't feel right to us either, darling," Rarity began. "If the mayor wasn't in such desperate need for our help, we'd most certainly stay here in Canterlot with you. And of course we know that your royal duties must come first."

"The Summer Sun Celebration was what brought us together, but it is something much bigger that will always keep us together. Exhibit A!" Applejack gestured at another stained-glass window, showing six ponies with strange amulets on around their necks. "The six of us are united by the elements of harmony, no amount of royal duties is going to change that. Right everypony?" The others nodded in agreement. "Right, Pinkie Pie?" Applejack questioned the party pony, who was still off in her imagination.

"Creamy creamy frosting," Pinkie drooled as Fluttershy wiped her mouth with a cloth.

"You should take that as a yes," Fluttershy confirmed, causing everyone in the room, even Nikolai, to smile.

"Why does this seem like an exposition scene?" Nikolai questioned Spike, who simply shrugged.

. . .

The train horn blared loudly in the distance, signaling its eminent departure.

"We're going to write you and give you so many details, it will be like you're in Ponyville yourself!" Pinkie promised. "Right girls?"

"Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye," the others recited simultaneously.

Spike leaned over and whispered in Nikolai's ear. "Lame code if you ask me."

"Agreed."

"And you will be with us right after the celebration, we already have a plan to upgrade your loft with more royal decor."

"ALL ABOARD FOR PONYVILLE!" The conductor announced.

The friends all pulled each other in for a tight hug, a sight that made even Nikolai go "D'aww!" Eventually, the friends had to let go, despite none of them wanting to. Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie soon found themselves on the train, waving goodbye to the princess, Spike, and Nikolai. Twilight sighed.

"I can't help it, guys. They've only been gone a minute and it already feels like I'm missing something."

Suddenly, a mail-pegasus flew by, dropping a letter into Spike's hands and quickly explained. "Message for the princess!"

Spike opened up the letter and read it for Twilight. "Dear Twilight, you aren't missing anything. Love, Pinkie Pie."

All three couldn't help but crack a smile at Pinkie's impossibly speedy letter delivery.

Author's Notes:

I know it was rather late, but I blame writer's block. Sorry for leaving you guys hanging.

Everfree's Invasion: Part I

Nikolai sat in the room that he had been assigned. Unlike Spike, who had the same room as the princess, Nikolai had a room all to himself. The drunk would normally have found this great, especially since the servants in the castle provided free alcohol, but the Russian felt something in the pit of his stomach. He couldn't quite figure out what the problem was though, and that's exactly what bothered him.

Outside, he watched as Princess Luna raised the moon. It was truly a remarkable sight, to see such power magically performed by a colorful pony. He had been here almost a week, and he concluded that he had learned next to nothing about the pony world. So, why did he feel so strongly that a terrible event was about to happen? More importantly, why did he know Berry, a pony he had known only for a week, like a close friend?

"I hate thinking, it reminds me that I'm sober," Nikolai mumbled out loud. He turned around to see his personal servant waking by, balancing another bottle of vodka on a silver tray. The servant appeared visibly annoyed.

"Another bottle of vodka, Mr. Belinski," he muttered detachedly.

"Thanks, Jerry!" Nikolai expressed his gratitude by uncapping the bottle and chugging it. 'Jerry' watched in disgust as some of the vodka did not go into his mouth, and instead trickle down his clothing.

"For the last time, my name isn't Jerry, it's Swift Server."

"Whatever you say, Jerry."

Swift Server sighed, and began to trot off. "If you need anything else, you know where to find me," he growled. This certainly had not helped his view of the human species.

Nikolai decided to call it a night early. The clock only read 8:28 PM, but it had been a long day, and the Russian wanted his grim feelings to pass. Without any word, he flopped onto his bed, and made himself comfortable.

There was only one problem: his mind wouldn't stop thinking about a certain alcoholic earth pony.

"C'mon, brain. It's time for sleep. You know this."

But Nikolai's brain was stubborn, and began to worry if Berry would be safe from whatever disaster was about to strike.

"Berry will be fine, brain. Why do you care so much, anyway? She's just Nikolai's new drinking buddy."

Nikolai's brain was so deep in thought, that he did not notice the loud shriek that came just directly outside his door. Not long after, his brain finally gave him a rest, and allowed him to get some sleep. "This was future Nikolai's problem," present Nikolai told himself. "Let him deal with it."

. . .

"Mmm. . . Vodka. You're so delicious. Don't support Trotsky, vodka, bad things will happen."

The drunk might have continued to ramble in his sleep, had Twilight not suddenly teleport into his room. She went over and began to shake him back into consciousness.

"Huh?" Nikolai groggily asked. "What, is break time over?"

"Nikolai! Something terrible has happened to the princesses! They've gone missing!" She explained urgently.

Nikolai's eyes shot open. "The princesses?" He smiled. "Yes, with this void of power, Nikolai may seize the government with a communist regime. It's quite perfect!"

Twilight stared blankly at him. "Really? The princesses vanish and all you can think about is your rise to power?"

Nikolai shrugged. "Well, someone has to fill the void."

"I'm a princess, too. Remember?"

"Then why didn't they get you, too?"

Twilight looked around nervously. "That's just it. I don't get it. I don't know where to get started."

Nikolai turned to the princess, and swallowed his communist pride. "Is there anything I can do to help, princess?"

"Who are you, and what have you done with Nikolai?" Twilight cocked her head.

"Seriously?" Nikolai groaned. "And here I am offering help."

Twilight was slightly taken aback by the Russian's sudden willingness to help. "Uh, sure. Spike and I are heading back to Ponyville. I'm going to round up my friends and hopefully use the elements to find out what's going on. You can come along and help defend the town. Now, we really have to go."

Twilight took off, and Nikolai ran after her. "Wait, Twilight! Defend the town from what?!"

Reuniting with Spike, the trio ran out of the castle as fast as they could. Twilight was leading them to the train station from a rather secluded pathway, so they didn't meet any ponies looking for an explanation. Nikolai just now noticed the sky for the first time that morning; it was a combination of night and day! This never happened back on Earth. And, as he judged by Twilight's panic, this was not a common occurrence in Equestria.

"Where are we going?!" Spike asked.

"The Everfree Forest is 'invading', according to the guards. We need to get back to Ponyville and gather the Elements of Harmony. They should help us find out what's going on. In the meantime, Nikolai will help defend the town as best as he can."

"So, how will we get there anyway?" Nikolai asked.

"I was hoping to take the train."

"Uh, Twilight?" Spike spoke up. "There is a better way, you know?"

"How?"

"You could fly us there."

All three stopped on a small bridge.

"I don't know, Nikolai failed his New Years Resolution of getting fit. Maybe I should continue on foot."

Twilight nodded. "Just be sure to reach Ponyville as soon as you can. We're counting on you."

Nikolai saluted, and began to sprint for the train station.

Twilight nervously spread her wings. "Climb aboard, Spike. Things are about to get bumpy."

. . .

One crash landing in Ponyville later, Twilight recovered from their 'landing' in the library to discover her friends going through her books, desperately searching for a solution.

"Uh, we promise we wouldn't normally go through your books without your permission," Fluttershy quickly assured.

Spike, who had hit the window outside, now opened the front door and began kissing the floor. "Oh, ground, sweet, sweet, ground."

"OK, OK," Twilight frowned. "I get it. I need to work on my flying a little more," she then changed the subject back to the current situation. "It's OK. I'm just glad to see you're all fine."

Pinkie, for once, appeared serious. "I don't know if you noticed, but the Everfree Forest seems to be a teeny-bit. . . Out of control!" Her tail immediately twitched, and she ducked. Rarity, who was right next to her, was struck by a massive dark vine that had found its way inside the building.

"Guess you were missing somethin' in Ponyville after all," Applejack agreed as she shut a window, severing the vine from its source.

Rarity regained her bearings and stood up again. "But perhaps you know the source of all this calamity. Has the princess sent you to dispatch of it post-haste?"

Twilight struggled for an answer. "Well, no. You see, the princesses, they're kinda. . ."

"Missing!" Spike spat out. The news instantly sent the ponies into a fright.

"I'm not sure who's responsible, but I have a hunch we're going to need the Elements of Harmony to stop them," Twilight explained as she opened a glass case that contained the elements.

"Alright!" Rainbow Dash smiled as the her amulet clicked around her neck.

"Boo-yah!" Pinkie triumphantly hoof-bumped Twilight.

"It's good to have you back, Twi," Applejack smiled, but soon replaced it with an irritated scowl. "Now we just gotta find out who in tarnation we need to point these things at."

Twilight stroked her chin with a hoof. "I might have an idea."

. . .

Nikolai busted through the train station's window, as the building had been closed to the public once panic had set in. The staff ponies eyed him with expressions of fear. He marched pass them, and turned his head to one of them.

"Sorry about the window, comrade, but Ponyville needs me. I have orders from Princess Sparkle herself."

The pony nodded, and flashed a nervous smile. Nikolai turned away from her and continued on his way to the train itself. He used his brute strength to open the door. A frightened unicorn pony stood next to a furnace, while the train's controls were unoccupied.

"I wish you no harm, little pony. Please cooperate."

The unicorn nodded and began to magically toss coal into the train's furnace, while Nikolai fired up the vehicle.

"It's about time I got out of Canterlot," Nikolai mumbled mostly to himself "This city is filled with the filthy stench of royalty. What's your name, pony?"

The nervous unicorn quickly whispered "Coal Cremator."

Nikolai turned toward him and got a good look at the stallion. His coat and mane were entirely jet black, with dark blue eyes. His cutie mark, barely visible, was only a simple lump of coal.

"Come again?" He questioned.

"Coal Cremator," the young unicorn uttered quietly.

"Speak up, please. Nikolai just wants a nice conversation."

"Coal Cremator!" He shouted in a surprisingly wimpish voice. Nikolai couldn't help but chuckle.

"Oh. So, what do you do for a living?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"Don't be so rude, Coal. It would be a shame if Nikolai had to throw you off the train," the drunk Russian threatened. "Now, what do-"

"The train can't function without me," Coal Cremator cut off and countered. "I put the coal in the furnace. I thought you knew!"

"Oh," Nikolai thought of another conversation-starter as the train left the last outer section of Canterlot. He decided to talk about the sky's current condition. "You know, I don't see what all this nonsense is about. In my world, sometimes you can see the moon in the early mornings. Well, then again, we don't exactly have magical ponies that do it for us."

The more Nikolai chatted with Coal Crumbler, the more the unicorn began to think he was insane. He frowned, and levitated another few lumps of coal into the furnace. "Are you OK?"

Nikolai smiled from behind the train's controls. "I've never felt better. Well, maybe some vodka would be good," he chuckled as the train raced down the mountain like a bullet from a gun. "Maybe Cherry has some leftovers she could give me some once this invasion is over."

Coal perked up at 'Invasion'. "What invasion?" He questioned.

"Princess Sparkle," Nikolai choked on the name, disgusted by how girly it sounded. "Ordered Nikolai to help Ponyville drive back the Everfree Forest. I don't see how a forest can invade, but everything seems to work differently here. On the bright side, no zombies! On the dark side, absolute monarchy is the rule here. But, when I drink, all is right with the world!" He let out a loud, hardy laugh.

"You're not drunk now, are you!?" Coal shouted fearfully.

"Of course not, Nikolai," -he burped mid-sentence- "knows the dangers of drinking and hijacking girly trains," he spoke of this as if it was something he dealt with every day.

"I have no idea how I should reply to that," Coal groaned as the train came to a complete stop at Ponyville Station.

"You won't have to," Nikolai shrugged. "This is my stop," he opened the door and glanced back at the young unicorn. "You want to come with?"

Coal's head ached slightly, both from Nikolai's loud voice and the fumes from the furnace. "Sure, I need some time to cool off."

As Nikolai stepped out of the train, his question was immediately answered. Dark, spiked vines had swallowed the majority of the town. Looking up, equally ominous black clouds floated over freely. Nikolai hadn't been in Equestria for long, but even he had learned the free-moving clouds were unnatural in civilized places. This was how a forest invaded.

"Oh, it's simply a weed problem," Nikolai flashed a confident smirk as he drew his combat knife. "It's a good thing I didn't tell Princess Sparkle the full truth," he spoke as he began cutting a nearby vine. "If only I had brought sixth wife's gardening tools," he joked.

Coal was less convinced. "I don't know. These don't look like any weeds I've ever seen."

At that point the vine Nikolai was slicing suddenly sprang to life and slapped him away.

"AAH!" Nikolai screamed as he plucked his knife out of the plant. "It-it's alive! We're all screwed!" He took off running into the town.

"Wow, what a brave warrior," Coal quipped at the sight of Nikolai's cowardice.

. . .

The element-bearers trotted their way into the center of town. Ponyville had become a ghost town since early morning, with pockets of resistance scattered in buildings and on rooftops. Twilight sighed at the emptiness of the normally-bustling town. The coming of these weeds was almost apocalyptic, especially since the missing princesses put Canterlot in a state of anarchy. Yet, this almost seemed to be a test, one of how well Twilight could function as a leader. Celestia was known for purposely weakening herself to test Twilight in the past.

The sound of a train horn caught the attention of the ponies, and Twilight was relieved to see it stop at the station.

"That must be Nikolai. He made good time, given the situation."

"I'm actually surprised he listened to you, Twilight. You are a monarch, after all."

"I was too, but I guess even he knows when to swallow his ideals to help others. Anyway, the sooner we cast this spell, the sooner we can fix this mess."

The others nodded in approval, and began casting their elements. Each one floated up into the air, and a rainbow connected them until it reached Twilight's crown. Then, the rainbow left them, forming a barrier around a certain draconequus in the middle of a shower.

"Winter Wrap-up, Winter Wrap-oh!" He slyly smiled as he covered himself with a towel, not that there was anything to hide. "Now now, Twilight. Princess Celestia promised me you would give me a heads-up before you summoned me with that little spell she gave you. In case you haven't noticed, I was in the middle of a particularly invigorating shower," he rubbed his body with the towel for emphasis.

"Enough!" Twilight barked. "Release Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, and stop the Everfree Forest from invading!"

"My, my, whatever are you talking about?" Discord questioned, his smile unfaltering.

"Don't you play dumb with us, Discord," Applejack commanded. "We know you're the one behind all of this!"

Discord teleported onto a rooftop. "Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love what you've done with the place. But I couldn't do it," he nudged Fluttershy. "I'm reformed, don't you remember?"

"Yeah, right!" Rainbow Dash accused. "This has your stinkin' hoof prints all over it!"

"I'll have you know that I only have one footprint," Discord poofed away again. "Such accusations, and here I thought we were friends," he put on the most pitiful face he could.

"Cut the act, buster!" Pinkie shouted. "We're-

"AAH! They're alive! We're all screwed!" They heard, followed by Nikolai running past them, screaming in terror. Twilight could only face-hoof.

"Who was that?" Discord questioned.

"Don't worry about it," Twilight rubbed her forehead.

"We're onto you!" Pinkie continued.

Discord put a finger over her mouth. "Ladies, please! I'm innocent! Would I lie to you?"

"Yes!" All except Fluttershy assured.

"Uh, maybe?" Fluttershy finally uttered.

"Well then, it seems we've reached an impasse. I'm telling the truth, but you think I'm lying! What do friends do in a situation like this?" He asked Twilight.

"I say we blast 'em back to stone!" Rainbow voted.

"Works for me!" Applejack agreed.

As the others began to charge up their elements, Fluttershy tried to stop them with a surprisingly quiet "Wait! What if he really is telling the truth?"

"Finally," Discord huffed with mock frustration. "Somepony can give me the benefit of the doubt, you five could learn a lot from my dear friend Shutterfly over here," he criticized them as he held Rainbow Dash, much to her disapproval.

"Uh, it's Fluttershy."

Discord quickly tossed Rainbow Dash away and replaced her with Fluttershy. "Oh, right, Fluttershy."

"If you're not the one responsible, then help us find out who is," Twilight commanded.

"Well, normally I would. But after all this name-calling, and all this hoof-pointing, I just don't know if I want to."

"Why don't you ask your zebra friend?" Discord pointed to a lone zebra pulling a cart nearby. "She knows everything."

"Zecora!" The group happily ran over to help her.

"From my home, I've had to flee. The forest has grown too wild, even for me!"

"Do you have any idea how this is happenin'?" Applejack asked.

"I'm afraid it's a mystery to me, as well. But, I may have something if combined with a spell," she reached into her cart and pulled out a beaker filled with a purple liquid. "I dare not use it myself, the results would be tragic. It only responds to alicorn magic. Princess Twilight, you may turn the potion from purple to white. After a sip, you may see why the sky is both day and night."

Twilight cast one of the most powerful spells she knew at the beaker, and the purple liquid did turn into a pure white color. She lifted it up to her face, but hesitated to drink. Zecora nodded for her to go on, and she did. The drink itself tasted absolutely foul, but she managed to hold it down. After she was finished, nothing happened.

"Doesn't seem to be doin-"

Her eyes immediately turned a pure white, a sign that she had entered a trance.

"Ah' think it must have done somethin'," Applejack joked.

Author's Notes:

Hey, an update! I still do those!?

Yes, it has been awhile. I. . . Had a bad case of writer's block, along with other things. *cough* lazy. *cough*. Thanks for all the feedback, and I'll hopefully won't take too long on the next one.

Meanwhile, at Kino

Author's Notes:

This chapter is just the sub-plot. So, of you're not interested in that, you can just skip over this chapter.

More rounds had passed in the abandoned theater, but not much else had changed for the three super-soldiers. Richtofen had run off once again, leaving Takeo and Dempsey to watch over the last remaining zombie.

"What's taking Richtofen so long?" Dempsey frowned to Takeo as the two were followed by a single Nova crawler. All had been quiet in the theater for several minutes now, and the German had been missing for all that time.

"Your guess is as good as mine, American."

"He just went and left, too. There was no explanation. That nasty pervert's probably playing with a zombie corpse."

Takeo sliced his sword through the air, as if trying to make a point. "There's no telling what that German is doing. I think I would be much more competent as a leader than he."

"Maybe you should lead, then. I could back you up."

Takeo shook his head. "I'm too paranoid about the consequences. Richtofen would probably want to kill me. . . Very slowly," he shuddered slightly. "Besides, I would hate Nikolai too much to accomplish anything."

"Yeah. Maybe I should lead."

Takeo allowed himself a small, sly smile. "Silly American. You're too stupid to know how to rescue that dishonorable Russian."

"Still, I would be able to do better than the Doc, right?"

"I'm not exactly-"

"Tak!"

The prideful Japanese man laughed.

"So, what exactly did you two mean?"

Dempsey and Takeo jumped when they heard Richtofen's voice. Sure enough, the doctor stood nearby, holding a small sack. The nearby Nova crawler was now circling Richtofen, but not attacking him.

"Um. Well, you see. . ."

"Dempshey. . ."

"Honor!" Takeo interjected. "I sure do love it!"

"Takeo, we have no time for your Lawful Neutral-ish outbursts! I have a plan!"

Dempsey rolled his eyes. "I can't wait to hear it."

Richtofen smiled. "Glad to hear it, Dempshey."

The American groaned, not sure whether Richtofen had caught the sarcasm.

"Now," Edward smiled, picking up the nonviolent crawler. "This zombie is needed for my next plan."

"Why is he suddenly harmless?"

"This was my pet. His name is Craig."

"You have a pet zombie?"

"I've always had. He used to be a scientist, until he tried to defect to the Russians. Hitler wanted to make an example out of him."

Dempsey gagged. "So, you. . . Turned him into one of those things."

"It was one of Maxis's failed experiments. Blame him. I just took him as a pet. I tattooed his forehead with the Illuminati eye, and his arm with a swastika."

Dempsey and Takeo glanced for the first time at the crawler. Sure enough, the tattoos were in their appropriate places.

"Enough of this," Takeo spoke up. "How will this demon help us bring back the dishonorable?"

Richtofen reached into the sack he was holding and pulled out the meteorites that he had found scattered around the theater. "Do you see the teleporter here?" Richtofen patted the stage's strange machine. The crawler in his arms was strangely docile.

"Well, yeah. We're not blind."

"Perhaps we need pure 115 to get to Nikolai. Luckily, Nova crawlers like Craig here emit a gaseous form of the element. Dr. Steiner wanted to make Craig's kind a biological weapon against the Allied Powers. But Maxis and I wanted to use him for scientific purposes. If Nikolai is not detectable on Earth, that means he's in an alternate universe. Maxis and I know little of alternate universes, but Hitler's tracking device could find anyone from anywhere. They must exist."

"Wow," Dempsey was taken aback. "That was actually logical. Who are you and what have you done with Edward Richtofen?"

"I hate you, Dempshey."

"There he is."

"I will go link the teleporter," Takeo offered. He ran away before either could respond.

Richtofen carefully set the rocks on the teleporter floor, and allowed Craig to sit patiently next to them.

"This will be perfect, ja? We'll get Nikolai back, and I came resume my reign of terr-. . . Terrifically awesomeness!"

Dempsey shrugged. "It will just be good to finally have someone in this group who recognizes my badassery again."

Takeo rushed back onto the stage. "It is ready."

Richtofen pumped his arms in the air. "Perfect! Everybody, file in."

"We're coming, Nikolai."

"Coming to purge your dishonor."

The button was pressed, and the four figures in the teleporter vanished in a bright light.

. . .

Of course, their attempt at reuniting with the drunk Russian had failed. When the three humans opened their eyes, they saw themselves descending on a lunar lander. Craig was nowhere to be seen. As the lander descended, the color was drained from the area, creating a black and white view of the starting room. Once again, the group had only managed to go to the next map.

Richtofen's face contorted into one of extreme disappointment. "Verdammt."

"Are you O-"

"VERDAMMT! VERDAMMT! VERDAMMT!" Richtofen roared, causing Dempsey and Takeo to jump back in fear. A normal Richtofen is bad. A wrathful Richtofen is terrifying.

Samantha, who had been quiet for all this time, finally reminded them of her ghostly presence with her demonic laugh.

"You were mean to daddy, Eddie. This is your punishment!"

Dempsey walked over to a nearby phone, picked it up, and began to dial a number.

"Oh, excellent idea, Dempsey!" Takeo complimented. "You're calling your government for reinforcements!"

"Huh? Oh, no. I'm calling the Ghostbusters. There's something strange in this neighborhood, alright."

Takeo looked like he had missed the ice cream truck. "One of the world's greatest mysteries is how America became a superpower."

"Um, need some beans for the chowder here!" They heard President Kennedy exclaim on the phone.

"Richard Nixon is not part of your balanced breakfast," Another familiar voice picked up on the phone, followed by a shotgun blast and the death cry of a zombie.

Dempsey hung up the phone. "This plot-line keeps getting wackier all the time."

Takeo glanced between him and Richtofen, who was lying in a fetal position, and only nodded.

Everfree's Invasion: Part II

Ponyville had fallen to the vines. Not a single building was free of the choking grip if the strange black plants. Sure, many brave ponies stayed outside and tried whatever they could to eradicate the infestation, but it was currently proving useless. The vines had not budged from their places, and many of these ponies came back injured from the vines' hostility. Some, particularly those who were stubborn and persistent, did not come back at all.

All this chaos and destruction was made clear as Berry Punch stared out of one of the bar's windows. Cherry had converted her popular establishment into a safehouse for those who needed it. Various ponies sat at the tables and stools, grumbling to themselves and close friends about the town's current condition. Cherry was doing her best to keep the morale in the room raised with free drinks, but things still looked bleak. Berry herself had a mug of cider, and sipped at it every few seconds. The streets were almost completely deserted, but some ponies were seen still fighting the vines or going about their business as best as they could. Calling it depressing would be an understatement.

Berry groaned at the sight. Ponyville must be cursed, because everything that seems to go wrong in Equestria happens in Ponyville. She thought back to Nightmare Moon's return. The town had been in a state of anarchy back then, and had it not ended as soon as it did, there was no telling what would have happened.

As she continued staring out the window, she never noticed the pony that trotted next to her.

"You OK, Berry?"

Berry jumped slighty, and turned to see Cherry, who looked swamped with the workload she was taking right now. However, the bartender managed a small smile. That was Cherry's way: She always tried to be optimistic.

But Berry was not. "No, we need to do something about this," she gestured outside. "Why are we sitting in here, drowning put sorrows with drinks?"

"Because I made them half-price today?"

"Cherry!"

"Alright, alright," she sat next to Berry. "What can we do, though? We're not just dealing with any normal vines. It's almost like they're sentient."

Berry thought about it. After a few moments, she stood and hopped onto her table. Clearing her throat loudly, she began to speak.

"Hey! Are there any unicorns in here?"

A few hooves raised themselves.

"OK. Keep your hoof up if you practice magic."

All but two dropped.

"Do you two have any spells that might get rid of these vines?"

"I could try," one of them, a female with an lime-colored coat and teal mane offered. "I'm nowhere near Princess Twilight's knowledge, though."

Berry wasn't happy to hear this. The princess was rumored to be in Ponyville right now, and if she hadn't fixed the problem yet, then these vines might be immune to spells. "Go ahead, but if they start reaching for you, get back in here. Understood?"

The pony nodded and trotted out.

"Do you think she'll do it?" Cherry wondered.

Berry sighed and shook her head. "I doubt it. Normal magic doesn't seem to work on them. We need something else, something more powerful."

Cherry pondered. "The Elements?"

Berry shrugged. "Let's leave that to the professionals. What can we, as common, ordinary ponies, do?"

"I don't know about ponies, but what about humans?" Cherry smirked and nodded her head outside.

"What are you implying?" Berry titled her head in the same direction. It instantly explained itself. Nikolai was sprinting down the street as if he was being chased by hell itself. Behind him, Coal Cremator was doing his best to keep up. Berry chuckled and grinned.

"He's crazy."

It didn't take a fortune teller to predict where he was going: straight to the bar. The pounding of his fists on the door were so intense that Cherry thought it would give way any second. She galloped over to the door and opened it. Nikolai, however, was not expecting such a swift response, and fell face-first onto the wooden floor.

"Ow!" He shouted wimpishly.

Berry rolled her eyes. "You should be more careful, Nik."

He picked himself up, a worried expression still present. "Did you see all of those plants!?"

"Oh, you mean the vines that are covering the entire town? No, not at all."

"Smartass," Nikolai grumbled, but was nevertheless happy to be in her presence. "They're alive!"

"You're a little late to the party, I'm afraid," Cherry tried to calm down the drunk. "On the optimistic side, business has been great so far!"

"What's going on in Canterlot?" Berry asked as she pulled up a chair for him. "Please tell me they're solving this."

"Princess Sparkle said she was going to find a way to fix this, but I-"

"What about Celestia and Luna?"

"They're dead."

"Dead!? Impossible!" Cherry looked like she was about to faint.

"Oh, crap. Did I say dead? I meant missing."

Cherry breathed a sigh of relief, but then locked up again. "Missing!?"

"So dramatic," Nikolai mumbled under his breath. "Yes, missing. The guards said they just disappeared. Nikolai has been helping in anyway he can."

"So, what are we looking at, exactly?"

"Living black vines!" Nikolai screamed at the top of his lungs. "I've seen enough hentai to know where that leads."

"You're being overly dramatic again, Nik."

The pony that had stepped out before came hobbling back in. Bruises and gashes covered her body, and she was struggling to even limp to a seat.

"Bad idea," she muttered quietly. "Very, very bad idea."

"See!? Domestic abuse!"

Cherry stood and went back behind the counter. "I better get her a drink!" She explained.

"Princess Sparkle is our last hope," Nikolai finished.

Berry gulped. Twilight didn't exactly have leadership skills or experience like the sisters did. If they were gone, Twilight's odds wouldn't be much better.

. . .

"Luna," Twilight muttered from her trance. The sudden word startled the other element bearers from their talks. That was all she said, nothing else. The alicorn did not seem to acknowledge the other ponies around her at all. Pinkie had even bonked her in the head with a hoof, I no avail.

"What was in that potion, Zecora?" Rainbow accused.

"The ingredients are ordinary, but with alicorn magic, become extraordinary."

"That wasn't really a rhyme, ya' know. You just said ordinary twice," Applejack reminded.

"Forgive me, Applejack, rhyming is hard. I was taught by my cousin, he is a bard."

"I do hope she returns from her dreadful trance," Rarity muttered.

"I'm sure she'll be fine," Fluttershy uttered with a small smile. "These weeds are getting to be a teensy-weensy bit in the way, though."

"Understatement of the century," Discord mused.

"Quiet, you," Rainbow ordered. Discord shrugged, and a zipper magically appeared to shut his mouth.

Suddenly, Twilight began to cry, garnering the attention of the rest. Nobody whispered anything, hoping that she would expel some useful information. However, she soon quit crying and returned to standing still and emotionless, almost statue-like.

"Whatever experience she's going through now, I have a hunch that it's bad."

The alicorn began mumbling again, but this time it was coming out unintelligibly. The others glanced over to Discord.

"Is this some kind of ancient language?" Dash questioned as she flew up into Discord's face.

Discord, being the difficult draconequus he was, simply pointed at his zipper-mouth and glared.

"Alright, speak."

The zipper poofed away, leaving him free to talk. "That's better," he smiled. "And yes, it's a very ancient language. It's so old, that very few still know it. Those who do tend to be madponies."

"What is it called?"

"Gibberish."

Rainbow Dash looked like she was about to sideswipe him, but she was interrupted by Applejack's voice.

"Y'all! She's waking up."

Rainbow turned back to see Twilight eyelid's flutter open, this time with her purple irises in full view. It took a few seconds for her to reestablish her bearings, but when she managed, she saw the others give her odd looks.

"Why are you all looking at me like that?" She asked nervously.

"It's just," Applejack started, but froze to find the right words. "You were mumblin' to yourself."

"Ooh! Don't forget the uncontrollable sobbing!"

"We were really worried about you."

Discord, however, did not seem to care. "I for one found it delightful. Sort of a one-pony theater piece, if you will," he brandished a poster showing Twilight unconsciously crying. "You should really consider taking it on the road."

Rainbow Dash assumed a kung-fu stance. "Did you find out whose rump we need to kick and where we can find them?"

Twilight looked down, unsure of what to make from the flashback she had seen. "I saw something from a long time ago, but it didn't explain what's happening now."

"Perhaps farther back are the answers you seek," Zecora nodded at the flask, which still had a significant amount of liquid left. "Another sip of the potion will give you a peek."

And so, Twilight reluctantly drank from the bottle again, and was sent to yet another period even farther in the past.

. . .

"Are you sure that this will work?" Nikolai narrowed his eyes at Berry as he was handed a keg of vodka. "It seems like a risky plan."

"Relax, Nikolai. I doubt that these things will enjoy alcohol like us ponies do. Even if it doesn't work, what's wrong with a few scrapes and bumps?"

Nikolai practically looked offended. "Scrapes and bumps!? I don't care about bodily harm! I don't want all this vodka to go to waste!" He smiled and hugged the barrel.

Cherry nodded. "He has a point. That's the last one in my supply. I'll have to make a run all the way to Stalliongrad just to get more."

"And risk Equestria's fate for a barrel?" Berry sounded almost patriotic. "You can always get more later."

"You only say that because you prefer cider," Cherry frowned. She then paused, thinking of any other possible solutions. "We have no other choice, though, do we?"

"I promise, Cherry, if things go wrong, we'll travel with you to Stalliongrad. I'll pull the cart, and this big lug will protect you from bandits."

"And drink my supply?"

"You got it," Berry smirked.

Cherry opened her mouth to counter, but she remembered that Berry was the type that wouldn't usually take no for an answer. The bartender backed down. "Fine, do whatever you think is needed."

"Thank you, you won't be disappointed."

"Why is it that a couple of drunks are the only ones trying to fix this?" Cherry mumbled. She didn't wait for Nikolai's response, and headed back into the bar.

"There's also Princess- oh I see, close the door and don't listen, that's cool."

Berry and Nikolai lugged the keg over to a nearby vine. The Russian also reached into his back pocket and pulled out a lighter.

"It's a good thing your world invented portable fire," Berry commented as the two coated the vine with vodka.

"Stand back," Nikolai ordered, and Berry obliged. He lit a small stick and transferred the flame to its target. The vine began to flail around uselessly, and Berry flashed a confident smile to Nikolai.

"I told Cherry this was going to work!"

Unfortunately, the angry vine smashed the keg into bits, wasting the amount still left in the keg. The damage had been done, at least. Not even an Everfree Vine is safe from fire. Despite this small Ray of hope, Nikolai suddenly lost it and began to flat-out bawl. Berry didn't even have to ask what's wrong. Instead, she simply put her hoof around Nikolai and gently patted him.

"It's OK, Nikolai. The vodka died bravely."

"How w-w-will we l-live without w-w-w-WADDDKKKKKAAAAA!?"

"You do realize we're now going to have to accompany her to Stalliongrad, right?" Berry frowned.

Nikolai immediately perked up. "OK, at least we have that."

Berry was galloping back to the bar. "In the meantime," she shouted over her shoulder. "Let's tell Cherry the results and gather more alcohol."

. . .

"Alright, let's get cracking."

Berry led the way to the nearest vines, and Nikolai torched them. This time, they had the sense to set the kegs away from the vines, so as not to lose anymore than it had.

when the streets had been completely cleared, Nikolai put the kegs down. He eyed the vine-covered buildings, and then reluctantly looked at his lighter.

"Nikolai feels trapped in a moral scenario. Burn the houses, or no?"

Berry stroked her chin with her hoof. "It may very well be the only choice we have if we want to free Ponyville."

"What about innocents? I'm pretty sure Celestia and Luna wouldn't like it if we sacrificed their lives."

"Celestia and Luna are missing, Nik."

"What if they return? Berry, this may be a time where we have to play the waiting game. Besides, I'm thirsty."

Berry rolled her eyes. "Alright, we'll wait."

. . .

"Look at your faces!" Past Discord guffawed at Luna and Celestia's serious expressions. "So full of yourselves!"

Twilight had been taken back in time to the end of Discord's reign. She was now witnessing the fall of the tyrant herself. The area around her was as messed up as it had been when Discord returned not too long ago. Fish were flying, the ground was checkered. It was all so very chaotic, just the way he liked it.

Luna and Celestia crossed beams, and a rainbow flew out from them straight for Discord. He never even saw it coming, and soon found himself trapped in stone for the next 1000 years.

The vision didn't stop there, however. Twilight found herself in a chamber, occupied only by a large crystal tree. She followed the two princesses as they approached it.

Luna let out a small gasp. "The Tree of Harmony."

Twilight was just confused. "The TREE of Harmony!?" Then, she looked over the tree carefully. The carving in the middle couldn't be what she thought it was, could it? No, it was.

"My cutie mark," she marveled.

Celestia gently flew next to it, and nodded to her sister.

"Are you sure about this?" Luna questioned.

Celestia did not hesitate in assuring her. "We have discovered the means to defeat Discord, and save the citizens of Equestria. Even without the elements, the tree will possess an incredible magic," she began magically plucking the crystals from their resting points. "As long as it has that magic, it will continue to contain and control all that remains here."

It all made sense to Twilight now; the vines had grown because the tree had lost its power. She had to find some way to restore it.

When she returned to the present, Spike immediately dashed to her side.

"So, what happened?"

"I still don't know why Princess Celestia and Princess Luna are missing, but I think I know why the forest is acting the way it is: something's happened to the Tree of Harmony."

The others exchanged looks. "The Tree of Harmony?"

"It's where the elements were originally found. It controls the plants that are taking over Equestria. And by the looks of it, I think it's over there."

The others eyes followed Twilight's hoof, which was pointed at the Everfree Forest. For once, Rarity wasn't the only one in the group to let out a dramatic gasp. For one, the Everfree Forest looked worse than normal with all those vines shooting out.

Rainbow Dash gulped, then quickly put on a brave face to reassure her friends. "I guess we should go."

Twilight stopped Rainbow from flying forward with her magic. "Not so fast, Rainbow. We need Nikolai."

"Nikolai!?" Rainbow protested. "What for?"

"Analyze it closely, Rainbow," Rarity spoke up. "He has fought on the battlefield many times before. He's most likely experienced in all forms of combat."

"If he isn't drunk off his flank."

"Hopefully he isn't," Twilight responded. "Though, with things looking as bleak as they do right now, he probably is. I'll got fetch him anyway."

Twilight spread her wings and took off for the place where Nikolai had probably run to. Once she arrived at the bar, she opened the door to reveal a room that was surprisingly sober for a place filled with drinks. Nikolai and Berry sat at a table, not even noticing that someone came in. In fact, the only person who noticed was Cherry.

"Princess Twilight," she gasped, grabbing the attention of the others. "Y-you've come to my bar. I am honored."

Many ponies stared in awe upon noticing the princess. Twilight heard a mare whisper "What's a classy princess like her doing in a place like this?" She ignored the rude question and trotted over to Nikolai and Berry.

"Hello, Princess," Nikolai greeted warmly. "Have you had any luck?"

"A little. We found out that this is the work of something called the Tree of Harmony. It's in the Everfree Forest. We need you to tag along for protection.

Nikolai sipped a bottle of whiskey. "A forest? Really? Bah. What's in there to kill you in a forest?"

"Manticores, cockatrices, sharp cliffs. Need I say more?"

Nikolai chucked. "Heh, cockatrices."

Twilight facehoofed. "You're missing the point. We need your help. You'd be doing Equestria a favor."

Nikolai only grunted. "I've done all I can, princess."

"Would you do it for vodka?"

The drunk Russian sprang up and smiled. "Da, OK. I would like to see Fluttershy and Pinkie again."

Twilight smiled. "Excellent! Now come with me, quickly."

"Nik, are you just gonna leave?" Berry frowned.

"I must," Nikolai made a heroic pose. "For vodka- I mean, Equestria. . . Actually, screw it. For vodka."

"And leave me here?" Berry out on a pitiful look.

Nikolai huffed. "Fine, I'll share."

Berry grinned. "OK, have fun!"

. . .

"Hello, ponies!" Nikolai shouted at the group. He then noticed Discord relaxing on a vine. "And you two, weird mutant creature."

Discord suddenly teleported next to Nikolai. "Why, hello. You know, you look like a weird mutant creature yourself," he flicked Nikolai's nose, much to his annoyance. "Oh, wait. Where are my manners? My name is Discord, spirit of chaos. And you are?"

"Uh, Nikolai?"

"Oh, great to meet you, Nikolai! It's nice to have another male join us on this expedition."

"Hey!" Spike shouted.

"You don't count, you're just a baby."

Nikolai turned to Twilight and whispered quietly. "I haven't seen many little girl shows, but I'm pretty sure this guy is behind it all."

Discord picked Nikolai up and held him bridal style. "Oh ye of little faith. I never was a villain. I just gave the world the chaos it deserved. After all, order is boring."

"I wouldn't say that," Rainbow glared. "You created a new world order and turned us against each other."

Discord retained his smile, but tossed Nikolai away. He was caught by Twilight's magic, and set down. "Now, Rainbow. That's a bit of an overstatement."

"Horseapples!" Applejack exclaimed.

"Girls!" Twilight exclaimed. The group paused the argument that was about to erupt and gave Twilight their attention.

"I know Discord may not exactly be the most trustworthy guy out there, but I don't think he's responsible for this. Whatever's going on must have something to do with the Tree of Harmony. Let's save this for later, OK?"

Rainbow hesitated, prompting a smug grin from Discord. "Fine."

"Now, let's get moving. We have a country to save."

. . .

The forest itself immediately became dark once the group entered. Everybody remained close to each other, with Twilight leading the pack. The ponies all appeared nervous, for each had past experiences with the dangers of this forest. Nikolai brought up he rear, and he didn't appear too interested in what was going on.

"Seems like only yesterday we went in here to find the Elements of Harmony," Rarity commented.

"Seems like only yesterday that I was foolish enough to go after them alone," Twilight depressingly remarked. She quickly replaced it with a determined smile. "I don't know what we're going to face in here, but I know that it will be for the best if we face it together."

"Ura," Nikolai uttered quietly.

Things were quiet, but there was a feeling that something bad was about to happen. Everybody in the group kept their guard up, in case something showed up to make them lunch. Eventually, they came across a lake filled with a hot green liquid. Nikolai perked up upon seeing this.

"Holy shit. Is that what I think it is?"

"Yes indeedie!" Pinkie nodded. "Acid!"

Twilight noticed a few rocks scattered that floated in the lake. "We can cross over with these."

However, as she stepped on them, they began to rock violently. Twilight was thrown back, and a large crocodile-like creature emerged. The ponies let out various shrieks, and Nikolai's eyes widened.

"A cragodile!" Rarity exclaimed. "Run for your lives!"

The group scattered in various directions, in the confusion, Nikolai found himself with Fluttershy and Applejack. The crocodile wasn't after them, thankfully. However, it was taking interest in Twilight. The alicorn had backed into a tree, and it was approaching quickly.

"We have ta do somethin'!" Applejack shouted. She reached for a loose vine. "Ah hope this works like a lasso!" She twirled it and launched it at the predator's tail.

Nikolai and Fluttershy grabbed onto the vine and fought the tugs as best as they could. Rarity and Pinkie Pie had appeared out of nowhere to help, as well. The group just barely managed to hold it down. This bought Twilight and Rainbow Dash enough time to tie up the rest of its limbs.

"Wow, Nikolai underestimated the power of nature," the Russian commented once the croc had been stopped.

Applejack looked concerned. "Maybe you should go back, Twilight. Let us handle this."

Twilight appeared offended by this. "What? Why!?"

"For starters, ya' almost got eaten by a cragadilly!"

Nikolai chuckled at Applejack's pronunciation, only to receive a firm but gentle nudge from nearby Fluttershy.

"We all did," Twilight shot back.

"Well, yeah. But we're not princesses."

"What does that have to do with anything!?" Both Nikolai and Twilight exclaimed simultaneously. They gave each other nervous glances.

Applejack continued her argument. "It's just. . . With Princess Celestia and Princess Luna already missing, ah' don't think Equestria can afford to lose another princess. Ah' don't mean nothin' bad, Twi. Ah'm just thinkin' about the greater good here."

"Applejack has a valid point, Twilight. Equestria needs a princess."

Twilight looked at the faces of her pony friends. Each one expressed agreement with Applejack.

"If everypony feels that way, maybe I should go back. For Equestria."

As she dejectedly began to run back, Nikolai stopped. He had to speak up about this.

"So, that's it, then?"

The ponies turned to face him. "Fraid' so."

"You know, for once, Nikolai was starting to believe that not all monarchs were elitists. Princess Twilight seemed ready to give her life for her subjects. I guess I was wrong," Nikolai spat.

"Listen here, Nikolai-"

"Shut up, Rainbow Hair!" He roared, startling Rainbow Dash into silence. He began to speak again. "Just not too long ago, you said you wanted to save a country, correct, Princess?" The last word reminded Twilight of Nikolai's hatred for monarchy.

"Yes, but-"

"But you don't want to make sacrifices, right?" Nikolai was furious.

"Nikolai," Fluttershy pleaded. "We can push on without her. It's not a big deal."

Nikolai eyed her, and saw the tears forming in her eyes. She was scared of him when he acted like this. It was just as effective at getting him to back down as her stare was. He gave Twilight one last stare that was a mix of anger and disappointment.

"I should have known better. You're tainted."

Twilight, already near tears at being sent away by her friends, galloped away, quietly sobbing to herself.

"Let's move," he urged, trudging ahead of the ponies.

Nothing was said for a long time. The ponies had realized that Nikolai made a decent point: they wouldn't have done this to Twilight before. The communist's words stung at Applejack's conscious. If she had kept her mouth shut, Twilight would have stayed. Maybe it would have been for the best, even. After all, Twilight knew what the Tree of Harmony looked like, and she had forgotten to mention it to the others.

Finally, she spoke up. "Anypony else regrettin' what we did back there?"

Fluttershy replied meekly. "A little."
The others remained quiet, not revealing their actual thoughts to Applejack. She, too, went quiet.

For some time, the group continued their search for the tree. However, as the minutes dragged on, the group was getting closer to giving up.

As they approached the ancient castle that had once been occupied by Celestia and Luna, Rainbow Dash expressed her doubts.

"Anypony else starting to think this is a lost cause? We're almost at Celestia and Luna's old castle. Maybe whatever Twilight saw when she took that crazy potion wasn't real. Maybe there is no Tree of Harmony."

Applejack caught sight of something in the ravine under the old wooden bridge.

"Maybe-" Rainbow continued, but was cut off.

"Maybe it's right down there," Applejack pointed.

Rainbow gasped. "No, it can't be."

But it sure seemed like it. They couldn't actually see the tree yet, just an unnaturally powerful glow.

"If only Nikolai had brought a sniper rifle. I like to practice my 360 noscoping. Dempsey says I might be cut out for FaZe."

The others glanced at him with confused expressions.

"I'll 1v1 all you n00bs."

Rarity turned back to the ravine. "How are we going to get down there, anyway?"

Pinkie's grunts of pain and constant thuds allowed the group to find the way.

"Take the stairs, silly!" She cheered, unfazed by the painful experience she just had.

. . .

Turning the corner, the group found that the Tree of Harmony was there. It was nothing short of majestic, despite the fact that it had become entangled with the dark vines, which seemed to be choking the very life out of it.

"I think it's dying!" Fluttershy exclaimed.

"Hooray for Captain Obvious!" Nikolai exclaimed. It was obvious that he was being sarcastic, but he also put it out more happily so as to not hurt the sensitive pony's feelings.

"Let's save it already!" Applejack leaped into action. She yanked at the vine, but was soon knocked back.

"Nice try, I'll handle this," Rainbow assured. She flew hoof-first into the tree. She got the same results as Applejack.

"Valiant efforts on both your parts, but the tree remains in jeopardy."

"And ah' suppose you have a better plan?"

Rarity remained silent.

"That's what ah' thought."

"I know who would know what to do," Fluttershy whispered. "But we sent her home."

Applejack lowered her head in shame. "Perhaps we shouldn't have."

"We?" Rainbow questioned. "It was your idea, Applejack!"

"We all agreed that it was the best thing, Rainbow Dash. We we're try in' to protect her!"

Before another full-blown argument manage to erupt, the sound of Spike falling down the stairs snapped them back to the current situation. Applejack and the others rushed to the bruised baby dragon.

"Twilight! Trouble! Help!" He screamed right before passing out.

Nikolai drew his knife. "I never thought I'd say this, but let's got save a princess."

Rainbow and Fluttershy took off into air as the others galloped their way up. Nikolai, however, wasn't a pony. He was also fat and lazy. So, he was quickly left behind

"Hey, wait for Nikolai!" He huffed as he climbed the stairs.

. . .

Some time later, the drunk finally came upon the others. Unfortunately for him, the plant creatures that had attacked Twilight had already been defeated, and he had missed out on the action.

"Oh, you got to be kidding! Nikolai ran all the way here!" He breathed as he collapsed onto the ground from exhaustion.

. . .

"Nikolai, we did it!"

"No, mama! Nikolai is allergic to peanuts!" He screamed as he sat up.

Twilight stood next to the man that had awoken from his nightmare and grinned, ignoring his babbling. "We defeated the vines and saves Equestria!"

"Wait," Nikolai stopped her, and he began to think. "I missed the climatic part?"

"Fraid' so."

Nikolai mumbled something unintelligible under his breath, then stood. "So, did you use the 'Power if Friendship'?" He mocked.

Twilight hesitated. "Actually, yes. We did use our friendship."

"Nikolai figured," he muttered as he got up in his feet. "What now? Find the princesses?"

"Already taken care of. Equestria is normal again."

"Oh. Well, I feel useless

"You are."

"Not helping, Rainbow Hair. Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to go get a drink to celebrate."

With that, he walked away, whistling.

. . .

"And that's how Nikolai single-handedly saved Equestria!" He finished explaining to Berry.

She chuckled, sipping a glass of wine. "Yeah, right. I knew you were lying the moment you said the tree made you into an alicorn princess."

"You better watch out, Berry," Nikolai teased. "I'll throw you into the Gulag!"

"It's good to see you two having a good time."

The turned to see Cherry trotting over to them, a sheet of paper neatly tucked under her wing. She did not look too happy.

"What's wrong?" Berry cocked her head. Then, the realization dawned on her. "Oh shit, the wasted vodka."

Cherry nodded. "I lost 78 bits-worth. Since I know you and your 'financial habits', I'll take you up on your offer to accompany me on a trip to Stalliongrad. I'm leaving tomorrow."

"I think I'll pass. You don't need me, you got Nikolai."

"Berry," for once, the normally sweet and hospitable bartender held a hint of aggression in her voice. "I'm not in the mood."

"Fine."

"I thought you said you wanted to go to Stalliongrad, anyway."

"Yeah, on vacation."

"Well, think of this as vacation, a vacation that you're forced to take."

Nikolai chugged a bottle of cider and belched. "It's not quite the same as vodka."

"Hey, Miss Bartender!" a stallion shouted. "Could we get some service, please?"

Cherry turned and gave the table a small, polite smile. "I'm sorry. I'll be there in a minute," she turned back to the two. "Do you mind if I come at 8," it was more of a sentence than an actual question.

"No," Nikolai smiled, missing the point.

"Good. See you then."

Author's Notes:

I hated writing this chapter. Not because of the length, but because I followed the plot of the episode. Let's just say that while future chapters will be taking place concurrently on season 4, Nikolai won't have much major involvement with an episode's plot. I think I'd like Berry and him to do their own stuff.

Hit the Trail

Celestia had not yet raised the sun when the knock came at Berry's door. The alcoholic pony rolled over and groaned, angered at being awoken so early. She was not in the mood for loud noises right now, as she had drunk a little too much the night before. She tried to ignore the sound, but another set of knocks came, this time louder and more rapidly.

"Berry!" came Cherry's voice. "I know you're in there!"

"I'm not!" The earth pony shouted, her irritability present in her voice.

"I'm coming in!" Cherry replied, followed by the sound of the door creaking open. "Wow, I can't believe you don't lock your house."

"I can't believe you're trying to wake me up before dawn."

"We got to hit the road early. If we leave soon, we can make it to the rest stop by nightfall."

"I need sleep."

"Yeah, and I need vodka."

The sound of rapid thumping came from above, followed by a crash and the sound of something large falling down the stairs. Cherry smiled as Nikolai crash-landed at the bottom of the stairs.

"Did somebody say vodka?" He grinned, ignoring any pain he might have felt on the way down.

"You could take a lesson from Nikolai, Berry. He seems happy to go."

"But we have to walk," Berry moaned. "Can't we take a train?"

Cherry shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Berry, it's a supply run."

"Supply my flank," Berry groaned.

"With vodka?" Nikolai questioned.

"No," both mares said simultaneously.

"Seriously, Berry, we gotta go. There's a cart out here with your name on it."

Berry's head shot up. "What!? You mean I have to pull!?"

"It was your idea to waste my product, so yeah."

"I was trying to help Ponyville!"

"Well there was another way!"

"Ladies!" Nikolai shouted. "I just want to visit Stalliongrad. Can we go?"

Berry wanted to argue, but she knew it wouldn't be much use, since she was now outnumbered. She grumbled unintelligibly and stood.

"See? Was that so hard?" Cherry asked nicely.

Berry only responded by yawning. She barely managed to put one hoof in front of the other until she reached Nikolai.

"You better not bail on us like yesterday."

Nikolai was surprisingly chipper today. "Don't worry, Berry, you're my best friend in this entire world. What happened with the princess was strictly business."

"And yet you're a communist," Cherry muttered and rolled her eyes.

Nikolai dropped his happy attitude. "Can we leave politics out of this for right now? I was hoping we could."

Cherry nodded. "Yeah, you're right. We need to get moving."

. . .

Even in the early hours of the day, the streets of Ponyville were occupied by some ponies, although most were simply night owls who were heading home to sleep through the morning or couriers who were passing through the sleepy town, on their way to one of Equestria's bigger cities. Right outside the front door of Berry's house was a two-pony wagon, empty except for a set of saddlebags with Cherry's cutie mark as their emblem.

"You ready to pull?" Cherry smirked to Berry.

The town drunk replied with an annoyed whinny.

"Sometimes you outclass Rarity as the town's drama queen," Cherry chuckled as she strapped Berry to the wagon. Berry then did the same to Cherry.

"You know, Dempsey had a saying that would be quite ironic right now: 'let's make like horse hit and hit the trail'! Get it? Because, you're horses, and-"

"That's not funny," Cherry scolded.

Berry, for the first time that day, was hooting with laughter nearby. "Ignore her, Nikolai, that was actually good."

Nikolai himself was stunned. "What? Someone actually appreciates my jokes? That's a first."

The wagon's wheels moved slowly as the group of three began their journey to the city of Stalliongrad.

"I always love these trips," Cherry explained. "You get to see the beauty of nature, and you don't have to worry about rude customers."

Berry sighed, her mood now less irritable. "Yeah, you picked the favorite industry for rude ponies."

Cherry laughed. "Ponies drink. They have long before Discord began to reign. Why should they stop now? There's a lot of money in it. Mama made balloons for a living, Nikolai. She hated it, but it had been the family business for years."

"Hence the family name 'Pop'," Berry added

"But I found out my special talent was mixing drinks. It was all downhill from there. It's too bad Mama died before she could meet Pinkie. That mare could single-handedly keep the party supply industry alive with the way she throws parties."

"And I got stuck with the ability to squish berries," Berry stated, surprisingly not sounding too bitter. "Destiny can be a bitch. But hey, what can you expect when your parents name you Berry Punch?"

Nikolai nodded. "Nikolai finds it weird how ponies are supposed to find their special talent, yet it always seems to be similar to their name."

"You're not the first. And to us, Nikolai sounds like a weird name, too."

"Fourth wife's name was Olga. It fit well, because she smelt disgusting. Everytime I walked into the same room as her, I said 'Oh, gah!'. She never noticed."

All three exchanged laughter. "You know, Nikolai? You may be rude, smelly, and annoying, but you're not a bad guy. Equestria could have had worse."

Nikolai instantly thought of what Richtofen would have done. It made him cringe in horror. Dempsey and Takeo would have probably gotten along with the ponies, but Richtofen was violent and unpredictable. It would be for the best if the crazy German never set foot in Equestria. He never mentioned it to the two ponies, because it hadn't turned out that way. Nikolai knew that the others might be trying to rescue him, and worried that Equestria may not be able to handle four super-soldiers.

Despite Nikolai's minor worry, they continued to have pleasant small talk as the day dragged on. Stalliongrad sat on the northern border with the Crystal Empire, while Ponyville was in the more central region of Equestria. The trip would be a long one, and what better way to pass the time than with conversation?

. . .

Twilight Sparkle stepped off the train just as the sun rose over the Crystal Empire. It had been a long ride, but the alicorn didn't care. The Summer Sun Celebration had gone well, and now she had taken her monthly trip to see how life was at the Crystal Empire. More importantly, she wanted to see her brother and sister-in-law. However, she realized that she was missing a baby dragon, as well as a guest who had wanted to tag along.

"Sorry, Twilight, I really am," came Fluttershy's soft voice as she joined her friend. Spike was wrapped around her wing, snoring heavily. "But I wanted to make sure I didn't wake Spike."

Twilight gave her friend a smile. "It's OK, Fluttershy. I'm not in a rush today. Do you want to do something? We can drop Spike off at the castle."

"That would be nice."

They traveled through the town, waving hello to the grateful crystal ponies they passed by, until the reached the palace. As the duo entered, Spike still sound asleep, they overheard Cadence and Shining Armor debating about something.

"We can't stand idly by while a city of innocent ponies may be in danger," pleaded Cadence.

"It's not in out jurisdiction, Cadence. We don't even have the legal right to decide."

"I'm sure Celestia and Luna would understand. We haven't had any contact with the city for days. We should be worried!"

"What's happened to Stalliongrad?" Asked Twilight.

"Twily!" Shining Armor smiled, forgetting the current argument with his wife. He galloped over to her and the two shared a hug. "It's so good to see you again, little sis."

Cadence joined them in the group hug, and greeted Fluttershy with the same friendly gesture.

After the ponies greeted, Cadence's face turned grim again. "You wouldn't know anything about Stalliongrad, have you?"

Twilight shook her head. "I'm afraid not. Has something happened?"

"We don't know for sure," Shining answered. "The usual traffic from the city has randomly stopped, but we haven't received any messages of distress. Cadence wants to send a scouting party, maybe check it out herself even, but I don't think we should worry about it just yet."

Despite his decision, Twilight noticed a hint of worry in the prince's voice. "Maybe I could check it out?"

Cadence and Shining Armor shared a glance, staring into each other's eyes as if communicating by telepathy. Both shook their heads.

"Let's wait and sent a detachment of the guard to the city. If we get word of bad news, or even worse, no word at all, we can investigate as a team."

Shining Armor nodded. "I'm on it," he smirked at Twilight one last time before parting.

Twilight tried to shake the nervous feeling that had begun to grip her. There wasn't anything she could do about it right now. "Why don't we go out on the town?"

Cadence was eager to take her mind off their current problem. "Sure, that would be lovely, Twilight."

With that, the three headed outside.

. . .

"Gentlecolts," Shining Armor began to the three guards he gathered for the mission. "I have an important assignment for you. We've lost contact with Stalliongrad over the past few days. With no word from the Princesses of Equestria, my wife has decided to let us take a course of action. You're goal is to scout the city and report back with any information you discover. If the city is under attack, do not attack. This isn't a combat mission. Got it, Flash Sentry?" He glared at the unicorn guard. He was the only one of the Crystal Guards that was not a crystal pony himself.

"Oh, that's just racist," he muttered quietly.

Unfortunately for him, Shining Armor heard it. "You do realize I'm not a crystal pony either, right?"

"You're just like Uncle Ruckus!"

"Uncle whosit?" Shining Armor questioned, he then quickly shook it off. "Just get out there."

"Yes sir!" The other two guards barked in unison. Flash rolled his eyes and saluted before marching forth, followed by the others.

. . .

After a long day of travel, the sun had begun to lower in the sky. The Equestrian roadway had been unusually quiet. Not that Cherry or her companions noticed, for today had gone by fast in their eyes by conversations of the past, personal lives, and vodka, of course. Cherry made a mental note that they should be reaching the hotel she stayed at any minute now.

As if on cue, Berry and Nikolai nodded almost simultaneously. "Are we there yet? It's almost sunset."

"Soon, Berry, soon."

"Today was rather fun, especially when Nikolai disturbed that beehive. They chased him all the way down the road until he was a little speck on the horizon."

Nikolai rubbed the various stings that covered his face. Had it been anyone else, he would have probably hit them for laughing at his misfortune. However, he surprisingly laughed along with them. "What bees?" He pretended to act brave and fearless. "Nikolai just wanted to work on his cardio. Can't go fat and lazy just because you're in Ponyland, right?"

"So why the screaming?" Berry raised an eyebrow.

"I, uh, wanted to be on Russia's Got Talent?" He then burst into laughter. "OK, you got me. Not even the manly chest hairs can save Nikolai from bee stings."

Cherry noticed the terrain around her. "Alright guys, just a little bit further. We should see it any minute now."

Berry's mood had changed drastically from the morning. Hell, to Cherry, it seemed that she had changed her attitude every time she was around Nikolai. The two had phenomenal chemistry, that was for sure. The way they interacted made it seem like they had known each other for years.

"Hey Nikolai, do the voice again."

Nikolai cleared his throat, then uttered in the highest-pitched voice he could muster, "My name is Doctor Richtofen, and I love spleens, pissing off Dempshey, and screaming in German!" He didn't quite sound like the crazy doctor, but it wasn't a bad imitation. Berry couldn't help but stifle a chuckle.

"He sounds high-pitched for a male."

"He's like a little boy, with guns, and the intelligence of a brain surgeon."

The three then all stopped talking to marvel at the beauty of the sunset. Judging by how low it was now, Princess Luna must have been getting reading to raise the moon any second now.

"Wow," Nikolai marveled. "I never saw such a beautiful view before. Granted, I spent most of my life either fighting or working, but still. Nikolai guesses his goals have changed since he came here."

"You don't have anything to fight anymore. You can finally drop your sword and relax.

Nikolai felt conflicted. "You're right, Cherry. Most people in the Red Army just wanted to enact revenge on Germany and go home to live simple lives. Not me, though. I can't remember much from the war itself, but I quite enjoyed killing zombies. In a way, it relieved stress. Sure, Ponyland is a pacifist's dream, but I'm not a pacifist."

Berry suddenly perked up and stared forward. Following her eyes, Cherry and Nikolai saw a simple two-story wooden building in the distance. It had been the first sign of life for miles, and judging by Cherry's nod of approval, it was the hotel they needed to stop at. When they arrived, Nikolai helped Cherry and Berry unhitch themselves, leaving the car behind the hotel on Cherry's orders.

Cherry had graciously paid for two rooms: one for herself, the other for Nikolai and Berry to share. Entering their room, the pony and human couldn't help but fall onto the bed. It had been a long day of near-constant travel, but it was over now.

. . .

At about the same time, Flash Sentry and the two guards accompanying him stood on a hill, overlooking the large city. Equestrian architecture was known for its variance from town-to-town, and Stalliongrad was no different. One of the more "modern" cities, it appeared very much like World War II-era Stalingrad, only without the massive amounts of damage from German bombers. This was a town full of hardy, happy ponies. That was mainly owed to the bars. Stalliongrad was considered by many to be the drinking capital of Equestria, and some kind of tavern was on nearly every street. From their view on the hill, the guards could not see anything wrong in the city. No buildings were smoking, nor did they hear any signals of danger. However, they were not close enough to know for sure if all was well.

"We should probably enter the city, just to be sure," Unnamed Guard Number One advised.

"Good idea," Flash acknowledged. "Unnamed Guard Number Two, you stay here. If anything happens to us, double back to the Crystal Empire immediately."

Unnamed Guard Number Two Saluted. "Yes sir!"

"You two have strange names, by the way,"

"We know, sir!" Both acknowledged.

Flash and Guard One moved down the hill towards the city swiftly and quietly, just in case they had a reason to.

"Do you think we'll find anything down there?" The guard asked.

"You know Cadence," Flash shook his head. "She worries about ponies. I admire it and hate it at the same time, especially when I have to deal with Shining Armor."

"He's been rather hard on you lately."

"I think he knows of the crush I have on Twilight. You know how big brothers are."

"I know that feeling all too well, sir."

Silence followed as the two reached the outskirts of the city. That's when they realized that the streets were completely abandoned. Stalliongrad was a big city, it never had abandoned streets, even at the outskirts. Nevertheless, the duo pushed on, hoping to discover a sign of life further in.

They didn't hear the moans coming from a nearby building, but they heard the screams as a pony charged at them. Flash bucked it back with his hind legs, causing it to stumble momentarily before recovering. That's when Flash and the guard realized that said pony had glowing yellow eyes and decayed skin. It was a living corpse, and it wasn't happy to see them.

Before he could defend himself in time, Unnamed Guard Number One found himself the victim of the pony's bite. The guard screamed and yelped as the pony pinned him to the ground and began to tear out large chunks of flesh. Flash couldn't take it and vomited. By the time he recovered enough to shove it off, it was too late to save the guard, who was bleeding out.

"What is this!?" He shouted as more began to show.

"Zombies," muttered the guard, just before he suddenly died and reanimated in the course of ten seconds. The zombie ponies had now cut off any hope of escape for Flash. He closed his eyes and awaited his impending doom.

It didn't end well.

Author's Notes:

Yes, the zombies of the COD-verse have invaded Stalliongrad. Yes, I killed off Flash Sentry. *crosses fingers and hopes to become popular because of this*

In all seriousness, you may be wondering how the zombies came in. Rest assured that there is a reason. However, half the fun is finding out, so no spoilers!

Thanks for 50 likes, by the way! And don't be afraid to give constructive criticism. I'm not one of "those" authors.

All Is Not Well

Berry reluctantly opened her eyes as the light from the window gently illuminated the room. She yawned and stretched her body until she was satisfied. Sliding off the bed, she glanced around the room. Nikolai was nowhere to be seen, but the sheets were ruffled around the portion of the bed he had slept on. It didn't take long for her to guess that he was at the bar downstairs. Deciding to join him, she happily trotted out of the room and down the stairway.

"And then I said, 'Finally, I was getting tired of Takeo's rambling.' And then Dempsey said-"

Berry yawned, cutting off Nikolai as he turned around. Next to him was Cherry, who was quietly enjoying her drink. The bartender seemed interested in hearing Nikolai's tale, and he flashed a polite smile at the newcomer.

"Oh, hey, Berry!" Nikolai nodded politely. "Why don't you take a seat? We'll need plenty of vodka for the long road ahead, no?"

The earth pony chuckled as she took her seat.

"The first drink's on the house, anyway," The bartender insisted. "Mr. Belinski's stories are interesting enough to let me cover it. I don't know what the human world looks like, but it sounds like a place of adventure."

Nikolai gulped down a shot of vodka. "Not bad," he assured. Pulling out his bit pouch, he gave the bartender ten coins. "Another, please?"

"Drinks are only two bits."

Nikolai was unfazed. "I know."

Getting the message, the unicorn bartender levitated the bottle to the shot glass and poured. "Just ask if you need more," he smiled. "Anything for you, miss?" He asked Berry.

Berry nodded, thinking about what she would get. "Give me a mug of cider, please."

"Ah, a Ponyville favorite!" He smirked. "I should have known."

As the bartender turned away to grab a bottle, Cherry quickly turned and made eye contact with Berry. She said nothing, but her eyes did the talking. 'We got a problem.' By the time the bartender turned back, Cherry had returned to her drink.

Berry's thoughts immediately shifted to what the problem could be. If it was a problem in no-nonsense Cherry's eyes, then it was a true problem. Whatever it was, she didn't want to discuss it in front of the bartender. The drunk decided to not worry about it and began drinking her cider. Nikolai took another shot of his vodka and unleashed a mighty burp. The bartender did not look amused, but he didn't comment on the Russian's rude behavior. No other customers were currently in the bar, and the atmosphere was one of blissful silence, save for the occasional clinking of a glass or the pleasant small talk that erupted. The bartender was a talkative pony, and he seemed to know Cherry well, given that they were both in the same business.

"So, Mr. Belinski, please continue your fascinating story."

"Oh, yeah. Let's see, where was Nikolai? Oh yeah, we were at Shi No Numa. Anyway, Dempsey says, 'Shut up Nikolai and get your gear on.' So I did. Then, they came. The zombies. . . They just rose from the swamp. It was my first encounter with them, and they were just as horrific as Richtofen described them. It wasn't like killing a living human. They were disgusting, and they wanted my vodka! They learned quickly that Nikolai doesn't share his vodka."

"Are you sure they didn't want your brains?" Cherry questioned and cocked an eyebrow.

Nikolai thought about it. "Well, maybe that could be why they went after the others. . . Except Takeo doesn't have a brain!" He erupted with sharp, vicious laughter. "I hate you Takeo," he added.

"So, how did you kill them?" The bartender added, still very interested.

"With guns, lots and lots of guns."

"Guns?" Everybody questioned. "What are those?"

Nikolai looked around, a skeptical expression on his face. "I should have known Ponyland didn't use guns. They're like ranged swords, in a way. You do have swords, here, right?"

"Yeah. So, they shoot swords, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. I can't exactly think of a better analogy. They shoot little metal thingys," Nikolai then clutched his stomach. "One hit me in the war. They hurt."

"Ouch. Humans invented those?"

"Yeah, they did the job better. What did you expect?" He took another shot, then fished into his bit pouch. "You know what, just give me the whole bottle. I need my fix."

Taking the bits, the bartender levitated the bottle to Nikolai. He instantly began chugging, much to the bartender's amazement.

"Do humans drink that much!?" He gasped.

Nikolai did not answer until the bottle was empty. "No. Well, they should, but they don't. Nikolai works better when drunk."

Cherry finished her drink and slid it back over the counter. "I need to stay sober for the trip."

Berry, sensing that the time to leave was drawing near, quickly gulped down her cider. "Thank you," she smiled.

"No problem," he smiled kindly. "Let me know if you three find anything unusual about Stalliongrad."

The words did not affect Cherry or Nikolai, but they instantly grabbed Berry's attention. She was a smart mare when she wasn't always drunk, and she began making a mental connection between this statement and Cherry's problem. Was there something wrong with the city? It would explain why they didn't see much traffic on the road. It worried her, especially since there were vines choking Ponyville just yesterday.

Cherry began trotting up the stairs. "I'm going to go pack my bags. I should be about ten minutes."

"What do you mean by that?" Berry asked the bartender.

When the topic was brought up, the bartender's face turned slightly tense. "I haven't had any contact with travelers from Stalliongrad in the past days. It's not usual. Look around," he gestured at the mostly empty bar. "Normally I have my hands full almost every day. This is a main stop on the route to Ponyville, and you know how Stalliongrad ponies are, they can't turn down a good drink."

Berry knew of this and nodded, concern beginning to form.

Nikolai hiccuped drunkenly. "Ah, that feels good. Anyway, Nikolai is sure there is a logical explanation. Perhaps they are still getting rid of those vines."

The bartender nodded. "Most likely."

"I don't," Berry frowned. "And I don't think Cherry does, either. Did Stalliongrad even get the vines?"

The bartender shrugged. "They got as far as this bar, I know that."

Nikolai waved his hand dismissively. "Please, Berry. I can see one disaster happening in Ponyland, but two? Let it go."

Berry rolled her eyes. "Well, let's see, in a little over a year, we had the return of Nightmare Moon, Discord freeing himself from stone, an invasion of Canterlot, and the return of King Sombra."

Nikolai's eyes widened. "Oh. Well, shit. Ponyland sure is a target for trouble. No wonder bars do so well here."

"It didn't use to be this bad," the bartender commented. "But a lot of stuff happened exactly 1000 years ago. You'd have to learn more about Equestrian history, Mr. Belinski."

"It sounds like a generic fairy tale plot element from my world. Mother used to read Little Nikolai stories in between beatings from Father."

"Dark!" Berry shouted with concern.

"They made me into the Nikolai that I am today."

"A drunk with a bad sense of humor?"

"With chest hairs," Nikolai added smugly.

"Is that something to be proud of in your world?" The bartender questioned innocently. "Because we have hair all over our bodies."

Nikolai opened his mouth to boast about the importance of chest hairs to the average human male, but couldn't think of a good comeback.

Berry nodded. "I forgot about that. Guess we got you there, Nik," she playfully jabbed his shoulder.

"But, my chest hairs. Richtofen has no chest hairs. . ."

"Well, if your stories are true, Richtofen is effeminate. Your argument is invalid."

Nikolai crossed his arms and pouted just as Cherry was trotting down the stairs, her saddlebags with her. She flashed a polite smile at the bartender.

"Thank you, Chatterbox."

"Chatterbox?" Berry questioned before noticing his cutie mark was indeed a speech bubble. "Oh, that explains your personality," she laughed.

Chatterbox threw his hooves in the air and smirked. "What can I say? I like to talk. Ya' got me."

Nikolai stumbled off of his barstool half-drunkenly, followed by the still-sober Berry, who stretched quickly.

"Another day on the road," Berry grunted. It wasn't a complaint so much as it was a spoken thought.

"Back in my day, we had to march all the way across Eastern Europe to stop Hitler," Nikolai smirked proudly. "What's a little walk to Stalliongrad? Perhaps we will run into another bar, and Nikolai can get drunk even more!" He exclaimed optimistically.

"Ah, Nik, not even out of a bar and he's already talking about his next visit," Berry said as she playfully nudged Nikolai's waist. "You're messed up, you know that?"

"Hello, Kettle, I'm Pot," Nikolai replied. "Or was it the other way around? Fuck, I forgot."

"You come back now, Miss Pop!" Chatterbox exclaimed just as they exited the building.

As soon as they were out of earshot of the bartender, Berry asked Cherry the question that had entered her thoughts. "Do you think something bad had happened in Stalliongrad, Cherry?"

Cherry's face grew dark again. "I don't know, but it definitely isn't normal for it to be this desolate."

"It worries me that we might have just walked out of one disaster and straight into another. Stalliongrad borders the Crystal Empire, do you think it could have something to do with Sombra's dark magic?"

Cherry fluttered her wings absentmindedly, thinking. "I don't think so, but I wouldn't know. Let's try to forget about it until we get there, OK? At least until we find someone else on the road."

"Deal," Berry nodded, though her thoughts remained with her, even when she tried to start another conversation.

"So, Nikolai, what do you think your other friends are doing right now?"

Nikolai snorted. "Oh, please. My 'friends'? Dempsey is the only one of those three I could call a friend. He's a good guy, he's probably trying to find me right now. Takeo's probably meditating, and Richtofen is probably. . . Doing unspeakable things to a corpse," Nikolai shivered. "That man has no boundaries."

. . .

"C'mon guys," Dempsey spoke to Takeo and Richtofen. "We have to find Nikolai. We're not making any progress, are we?"

Takeo, who was meditating before, opened one eye, briefly glanced at Dempsey, and then went back to his meditation. Richtofen was so engrossed with the zombie corpse he was currently dissecting that he didn't even acknowledge Dempsey's presence. It was only round four in the Cosmodrome, but no doors had been opened, and the area remained confined and colorless.

"So fascinating," Richtofen muttered. "Oh, you're being so good to the doctor," he complimented the corpse. He poked and prodded it like the curious child he was

"Guys!" Dempsey roared loudly, causing Takeo to snap out of his meditative state completely and Richtofen to jump away from his specimen. Both turned to Dempsey with annoyed glances.

Dempsey smirked. "Good. Now that I have your attention, why don't we actually do something about Nikolai?"

Richtofen grumbled, and then started rubbing his temples, as if trying to remember something he had long forgotten. He finally came up with a hopeless voice. "What can we do? Every teleportation experiment has failed so far, and this place doesn't even have one to try with."

Dempsey frowned. "If I remember correctly, didn't Treyarch put Gersch Devices in this map?"

Takeo whistled nervously. He had a few Gersch Devices that he had received in Der Reise, but he knew that it wasn't natural for said Devices to spawn in the map. He had wondered before if Nikolai's disappearance had affected their world in ways they didn't even expect. It had been on the Japanese man's mind ever since he had used one to find Nikolai. Back then, it hadn't bothered him enough to actually take his mortal enemy back with him, but now he was beginning to have second thoughts.

"What are you whistling, Tak?" Dempsey glanced at him.

Takeo hesitated before finally shaking his head. "Not an actual song, just. . . Improvising."

Dempsey, being as oblivious to subtlety as he was, continued. "Well, maybe we can find a Wonder Waffle-"

"Nein, nein, Wunderwaffe. Stupid American."

"Whatever. Anyway, we know a DG-2 caused a teleporter malfunction. There must be a way to repeat it, somehow."

Richtofen marched to Dempsey. "You fool. We've tried that already. It won't work."

The American bit his upper lip as the two entered a mental standoff. Takeo eyed both of them, wondering which one would break before the other. Finally, Dempsey turned away and walked up to the second floor, opened the door that led to the outside, and traveled to the outer gate of the cosmodrome. Though it was still black and white, he could still see the sunset off in the colorless horizon. His eyes became bitter and hard, but not on their usual violent way. Now they were filled with remorse and anger.

Takeo and Richtofen reluctantly joined him. The two Axis soldiers turned to each other, as if they were asking the other to say something to Dempsey.

They didn't have to, as the American spoke again. "There has to be a way," he growled. "We're not leaving him to die in whatever hellhole he ended up in."

Richtofen, in a rare moment of pity for his bitter enemy, put a gentle hand on his shoulder. It tensed slightly, but other than that Dempsey did not respond. "Dempshey, he's gone, and we are wasting time chasing him. We have to move on, maybe replace him with someone else-"

Dempsey instantly spun around to face Richtofen. All that came out of his mouth was a firm "No."

Richtofen frowned. "I'm sorry," He muttered before turning around and walking away.

Takeo was too deep in thought to continue the conversation with Dempsey. He knew something was not right. Why would it fail now? It just didn't make sense. Takeo knew the only person with the power to control the outcomes was Samantha, but what had Nikolai done to her? Takeo took about five seconds to connect the dots. It hadn't been what Nikolai had done, but what Richtofen had done. He remembered the story that Richtofen had told them when he took the three to Shi No Numa; how he had fled from Samantha when her dog had become demonic.

But Takeo knew there were two sides to every story, and Richtofen was not a man to be trusted. He walked a few feet forward until he was right beside Dempsey. Their facial expressions were the opposite, thanks to Takeo's emotional discipline, but their thoughts were similar.

"I have been thinking, American."

"About what, how dishonorable Nikolai is?" It came out harshly, but Takeo did not flinch.

"No. About Richtofen."

"Why couldn't he disappear instead?"

Takeo grew irritated. "I would appreciate it if you would let me continue without interruption."

Dempsey turned to him and reluctantly nodded.

"Do you ever think that Richtofen isn't telling us the whole truth?"

"Duh."

"About Samantha, I mean."

Dempsey let the sentence register in his brain. "I don't really think about her that much. She's the enemy, what's more to think about?"

Takeo shook his head at Dempsey's simple outlook. "But what if she's the real victim, and Richtofen's the enemy?"

Dempsey bellowed a harsh, forced laugh. "Funny, Tak," he began when he calmed down. "The little demon girl who tries to kill us is the good guy."

Takeo rolled his eyes. "Richtofen's a psychopath. Do you really think he just fled from Fluffy? Maybe he unleashed her onto Samantha, and her spirit has returned to haunt him."

"Then why is she targeting us, too?"

"Because we are helping him. We know little of the truth."

Dempsey sighed. "What does this have to do with Nikolai's disappearance?"

"Samantha took Nikolai. Why? I don't know. Maybe because it was a chance to rid Richtofen of an ally. Maybe we can reason with her."

Dempsey thought about it. "I don't buy it."

Takeo was still convinced. "

"And betray the doc? As much as I hate to say it, we need his knowledge on Group 935."

Takeo stared ahead. "Dempsey, please listen to me-"

The American cut him off. "No. We're going to look for Nikolai, find him, and kick Samantha's ass for doing this to him. But first, let's get the color back on," he then turned to the right and opened the door next to the MP5K.

Takeo stared at the last rays of the sun, knew that it was a lost cause for know, and followed Dempsey into the facility. It would take more time, but he knew that he would get Dempsey to bend to his will. In the meantime, he would try to contact Samantha for a one-on-one talk.

. . .

The snows of northern Equestria were thin and light during the summer, but they were still there. However, for Nikolai, it reminded him of home. The warm-blooded Russian felt at peace whenever he saw the first flakes fall softly onto the trail. For Cherry, it was a sign that Stalliongrad was only hours away. Unfortunately, the sun was hanging low in the sky, and the pegasus knew that they would have to set up camp soon.

Berry was trudging along with the pace of a zombie, so the cart wasn't moving very fast. She was not used to long distance travel, having never left the Ponyville area on foot. Sure, she had visited Canterlot before, but that had been by train. It was much harder, not to mention longer, to make trips like this on hoof. Cherry was the opposite. Ever since she made her first supply run six years ago, the young bartender had grown very accustomed to these bimonthly trips. Customers were always right, and they certainly didn't like it when their favorite drinks ran dry. They were expensive trips that often left her with little money, but she knew that she would earn all of her capital back. Ponyville had a lot of drinkers, and she was happy that her special talent was also making her rich. The trip would be worth the trouble.

The party of three trudged along until they came to the top of a large hill. Over the horizon, they could see the sun setting over a large metropolis in the snow. Cherry remembered this hill. It was exactly an hour and thirty-two minutes to get to the southernmost hotel in Stalliongrad. They took a few more steps while Cherry mulled over whether they should press on to Stalliongrad or not.

She finally made the decision. "We'll camp out on this hill for tonight and go in the morning. Does that sound good?"

Nikolai, not quite as worn out as Berry, did not seem so happy with this idea. "C'mon, Cherry. It won't be much-"

THUD!

Berry had dropped to the ground, too tired to even wait a few more seconds. She was out cold.

"OK, never mind," Nikolai started. "Let her rest."

Cherry smiled smugly at Berry's snoring. "She talks the talk, but she can't walk the walk. Literally. Toss her in the back of the wagon, that's the tent."

"Talk about budgeting," Nikolai mumbled as he struggled to lift Berry into his arms. "Wow, for a small horse, Berry is fucking heavy. Nikolai's arms are tired."

Despite his complaining, Nikolai carried Berry over to the wagon and set her in gently. He then rolled it into the snow off of the trail just in case there happened to be any ponies traveling late at night. He then hopped into the wagon, stretching himself so that he would be as comfortable as he could in the cramped space. He found a spot right next to the sleeping Berry and laid his head down, and tried to get as much sleep as he could.

He did not know how long he was out before he heard the horrifying, ear-piercing scream that came from beside him, and once he saw what it was he didn't care. Through the dim light, he could see Berry struggling with a silhouette in the wagon, and it whatever it was wanted her dead. Nikolai instinctively punched whatever it was in the muzzle and pushed Berry out of the wagon. The figure growled and shot for Nikolai, but his boot managed to weakly knock it away. He crawled outside to see Berry and Cherry freaking out as the figure slowly climbed out after them. In the moonlight, Nikolai could make out what it was, and it made his heart sink greatly.

A zombie pony.

The drunk swung at it again, knocking it back, but he knew it would only be a temporary solution. He circled the wagon, spotting a single chalk outline now mysteriously aligned onto the wagon. It wasn't the time to think though, and he bought it. He fumbled the weapon into his arms and loaded it. It was an Olympia, a double-barreled beast that would ensure anything attacking you would drop dead. He sprinted back to the others to see the zombie now on top of Cherry, and she struggled to shake it off.

Nikolai pulled the trigger and watched the undead corpse go limp. He shot it again just to make sure it was dead.

"What the buck was that!?" Berry asked in a shaky voice.

Nikolai turned to the horizon and noticed that not a single light came from Stalliongrad. He grimly loaded two more shells into his weapon.

"Hell on Ponyland," he growled.

Author's Notes:

I know what you're thinking: "What took you so long to write a chapter that was only 4,000-ish words?"

Well, I have the answer, and it doubles as bad news: The update, Ladies and Gentlemen, has crippled my ability to post chapters. You see, I don't have a computer at my house, just mobile devices. If you don't know, the new mobile version of the site is pretty fucked up right now. I can still log in on it, but I can't post new chapters due to a "log-in error". I don't know if anybody else is experiencing this, but I have.

Luckily, I found myself using a Mac today, so I copied this new chapter from Fanfiction.net and moved it here when I had the chance.

If anybody does have a solution to this problem, please let me know in the comments. If not, I'm sorry, but updates may become even less frequent than they already are. . .

Hey, the chapter name actually fits my situation right now! So we have that. . .

New Faces, New Problems

Stalliongrad was a strong city; one of the most powerful of Equestria. This primarily earth pony city was known for having some of the mightiest laborers to ever walk Equestria, and it wasn't afraid to show it. A military garrison sat at the north of the city, only miles from the border of the Crystal Empire, directly under the princesses' orders. The city imported more alcohol than all the other Equestrian settlements combined, and exported it's strongest males to serve. The city was cold, and not just in the literal way.

Nikolai continued to stare over the horizon, his mind trying to conjure a solution to a very important question; how did zombies get into Equestria? This was a different world, one free of former human contact. It couldn't have been himself, because he had spent more than a week in Ponyville without any ill effect.

His eyes centered on a small horde shambling its way out of the city, and he sighed. He looked back at Berry and Cherry, who were both observing the corpse. Cherry had recovered from her shock to be responsive, but she the absolute horror that she had just witnessed was still being absorbed. Her breathing was rapid and panicked, and here eyes darted to the left and right, expecting more to come. Berry joined Nikolai, staying close to him. The anger in his eyes made her feel safe. He had fought these abominations before. He would know what to do.

A few minutes passed without any conversation, as nobody could or wanted to speak. Finally, Nikolai's voice broke the silence. "We need to get moving. There will be more."

Cherry trotted over. "I didn't know. . . I'm sor-"

"It was not your fault. You did not know. Besides, maybe it was a good thing you brought us here."

"Why? How is this good!?" Cherry exclaimed. "Those things took over Stalliongrad!"

"But the zombies are tough. Who knows how long it would take for them to spread? And there's only one living being in all of Equestria that knows how to kill them: me."

"So you're saying that we have to go in there?" Berry gulped.

Nikolai smiled. "Yes. For vodka. . . Oh yeah, and for Equestria, too, I guess."

Despite the horror and danger they would face, Berry and Cherry followed Nikolai as he began his march to the city. The normally goofy drunk had turned deadly serious, because he knew that zombies in Equestria meant something sinister. He was already a bridge between his world and Equestria, but somehow the zombies had crossed another bridge into this world.

Nikolai executed the horde that wandered out of the city without hesitation. The ponies looked away, hoping to somehow protect their innocence to such violence. It was no use, as they still shivered from the crashes of the shotgun. It sounded so foreign to them, as well as frightening.

"They are still weak," Nikolai announced after ending the last zombie. "Good. This gun is too."

"That's weak!?" Berry couldn't help herself.

Nikolai turned to her. "Compared to the MP40, yeah. But if we found one, we'll find more."

They entered the city to see zombie ponies all over the street. Nikolai instantly stopped and raised the Olympia. He silently counted them since they had not yet noticed him. By the time he reached fifty and had not yet finished, he simply lowered the gun. The darkness in the street meant that he couldn't see too far, and he knew there were many more

"We need to get off the street," he whispered. Scanning the sides of the street for a safe building, he saw a single light shining in the night sky. It was to the left, out of the way of the zombies, and looked like it could contain survivors. Nikolai crept to the left, going slow to avoid alerting the horde, and motioned silently for the other two to follow. With each step, they came closer to the wandering zombies.

"I sure hope this works," Nikolai muttered.

The Russian noted that they were not extremely alert like they had been in Der Riese and Shi No Numa. In fact, they simply stumbled in the darkness like they were lost. Nikolai knew that those zombies had been controlled by Samantha, but that had been in a different world. Samantha's influence must not include Equestria's world. The only guide these zombies had was their hunger.

Luckily, they managed to evade detection, and Nikolai opened the door gently and carefully.

"What the buck is that?" He heard a female voice with a thick Russian accent. Nikolai jumped and flung open the door in a panic. She sounded like his first wife.

"Shit! Look out!" Was all Nikolai heard before something struck the back of his head. He fell to the floor, unconscious.

"No!" screamed Berry as she ran in after. "He was on our side!"

The building was occupied by two identical female earth ponies and a navy-colored male unicorn, who held a shovel with his magic. The females' eyes bore into the unicorn's skull, then at Berry. They seemed cold and calculating.

Before anybody had a chance to explain themself, Cherry came rushing in.

"Berry! They heard you! They're coming!"

"Shit!" One of the twins exclaimed. She then turned to her counterpart. "Is the escape plan ready?"

The other one expressed no emotion. "It better damn well be. What do we do with Miss Loudmouth and her winged friend?"

"They should come with us," the unicorn, who had a Muneich accent, gave his opinion. "We've needed help for some time now. They will have to do."

"We're not leaving without Nikolai!" Berry insisted as the zombies' hooves began to reach through the windows.

"Are you serious?" The first twin questioned, ignoring Berry's statement. "We don't need anymore outsiders!"

The unicorn's face scrunched up at the term 'outsider'. "I'm sure they'll be useful. What choice do we have?"

"Leave them to die!" The emotional twin urged. "And the big ape too!"

Cherry had her weight forced on the door, but it was beginning to give way. The pegasus could feel their cold, rotten hooves on her body, and she shivered with each passing moment. She looked over at Nikolai's unconscious body and the shotgun that lay next to it, still loaded and ready to fire. She was half-tempted to simply dive for it, but her hooves looked too big to reach the trigger, so she continued to hold back the hordes of undead.

"Sister! Enough!" The less-emotional twin ordered. "I don't like it either, but Bertrot has a point. What could possibly go wrong with them following us?"

"Nevermind," Bertrot waved a hoof dismissively. "You just said the magic words."

"Can we just go already!?" Cherry pleaded. The door behind her appeared as though it would shatter into splinters at any moment.

The twins nodded and sprinted behind the counter as Bertrot backed up to Berry and Cherry. The sisters reached under the counter and heaved a large sack of makeshift explosives onto the counter.

Bertrot levitated a Molotov that was lying nearby and lit it with a small spark of his magic. He waited for the twins to join them before tossing it at the explosives.

The door gave way just as the fire hit the sack, which blasted the wall behind it open. There was another store behind the bar, one that had a staircase.

"Go!" The emotional twin ordered as they all fled the approaching horde.

But somebody forgot to pick up Nikolai. . .

. . .

The five survivors panted as they opened the door to the roof of the building, which was littered with food and other supplies. Bertrot slammed the metal door behind him and barricaded it with a large wooden crate.

"Buck," he panted. "Why did we decide to blow up the bar? There was a door to the other shop, right?"

The emotionless twin gave a small smile. "Rule of cool, my friend. Rule of cool."

Berry groaned. "That was a close one, right Nik? Nik?"

There was no answer.

Cherry glanced at the party on the roof, and it dawned on her that they didn't account for Nikolai.

"Oh shit," Berry gasped. "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!" She broke down and began to sob. "W-we left him to die!"

Cherry felt the guilt overtake her. If she hadn't brought them along, Nikolai would still be alive.

Then, a familiar gunshot from below. Another followed.

"Wait. . ."

Two more gunshots.

"Nikolai! He must have woken up in time!"

Bertrot sighed with relief. Maybe he hadn't screwed everything up today.

. . .

The first thing Nikolai saw when he opened his eyes was a face-full of pony zombie. His first reaction was to punch it right in the muzzle. As it stumbled back, he glanced around for his shotgun, acting on pure adrenaline. Once he found his weapon, lying to his left, he snatched it and aimed at the horde that now had its full focus on him.

"I hope this thing is loaded!" Nikolai shouted to himself right before he pulled the trigger. The roar of the Olympia brought relief to Nikolai's face and buckshot to the pony's. He turned to another and blew its head into bits.

Two still remained interested in Nikolai as he backed away into the wall. He desperately fumbled for shells in his ammo bag as they closed in, but he ended up dropping the back. One latched its hooves onto his arm and he tried to shake it off, but it held an iron grip despite its lack of fingers.

"Chyort!" Nikolai instinctively cursed in Russian. "Get off!"

It would have bitten into his arm if not for a well-timed sniper shot that went in one ear and out the other. Nikolai was too relieved to question the source of the shot, and he had enough time to reach for his knife and jam it into the skull of the other zombie.

Nikolai knew the gunshots would give his position away to more of the undead, but he also knew that a pony, no, a human had just saved him from death. In the end, curiosity got the best of him, and he stepped out of the smoldering bar and into the street. It was still pitch black, and there were only a few pairs of yellow eyes left in the street. Almost instantly, sniper shots cracked and the bodies dropped one-by-one. Soon, the street was clear and safe. Nikolai didn't have to fire a single shot.

"Hello, comrade," Nikolai heard a distinctly male Russian voice. "I can't believe we actually found another human."

Nikolai turned to face the man, but couldn't make out his features in the darkness.

"Oh, that's right. It's too dark. Hold on."

Nikolai heard footsteps, followed by a door opening. When the footsteps came back, there was a lamp in the hand of the man. His body was heavyweight and weary from combat, just like Nikolai's. He remained silent as the man grew closer. He still couldn't make out the man's face, but the clothes were that of a Red Army soldier.

"Wait. . . Chernov!? Chernov! I thought you died in Berlin!"

Nikolai finally spoke. "Chernov?" He then shook his head. "Who are you?"

The man raised the lantern to his face, revealing cold, vengeful eyes. He had a thick beard that covered his chin and a mighty mustache on his upper lip. Despite his cold appearance, he had a warm smile on his face. His frown lines made it obvious that it was a rare experience for him.

"Reznov. Remember me?"

Plans Form, Teams Assemble

There was a beat of silence as neither man knew what to say to the other. Viktor Reznov was not a name that Nikolai was familiar with, and neither was the bearded face of a man who claimed to know a "Chernov". But there were bigger questions to ask this fellow human being than who he was. Nikolai scanned the face and body of the fellow Russian once more, but there was nothing familiar about him.

"Forgive Nikolai," he began. "But I do not know you."

Reznov put a comforting hand on Nikolai's shoulder as his facial expression drooped into a depressed frown. He reached into the inside of his breast pocket, still eyeing Nikolai, and whipped out a small, tattered crimson book. There was no title and it appeared to be a private journal.

Reznov's expression was still solemn. "Do you remember this, Chernov?"

Nikolai shook his head. "I did not keep a war diary."

Reznov grunted and put the journal into Nikolai's hands. "What did the Nazis do to you, comrade?"

Nikolai wanted to tell him the truth, but this man would probably have a hard time believing that a schizophrenic German doctor wiped his memory with magic rocks and then fought zombies with him, so he did not respond.

Reznov slid the journal into Nikolai's hands. "Keep it, Chernov. Read it later. Maybe your memories will come back to you."

Nikolai hesitated, but eventually tucked the small book into his pocket without saying a word.

Reznov lowered the lamp a little, allowing the darkness of the night to claim his hat. "There are more of us, Chernov. I was not the one that who fired that rifle shot."

"You weren't? Then who?"

"If you do not remember me, his name will not be any more significant. Come, I will lead you to the others."

"I actually need to get back to Berry and Cherry now, actually. They need Nikolai's help."

"Berry and Cherry? They sound like twin bar whores, Chernov," he smiled slyly. "I didn't know you had it in for you."

"They're not prostitues, they're ponies."

Reznov chuckled. "The same kind of ponies that are undead?"

However, Reznov did not wait for an answer as he began to walk down the road, his feet making a small pip-pap with every set of steps he took. Nikolai loaded his Olympia and followed him. He was still taking in the fact that there was another human being in his presence for the first time in over a week.

"I can't believe the Germans had a whole secret base dedicated to bringing dead horses back to life. They were a sick nation."

"This isn't a German base. It's a city."

"That can't be, Chernov. The architecture is Russian, but it's not on any map. They snuck into Soviet Russia and built this right under Stalin's nose. It makes me wonder how much money Hitler invested in this project."

"I'm telling you, Reznov, it's a city."

"A fake city."

"You're one of those, aren't you? Loopy, much?"

Reznov was silent for a second. "Whatever it is, we have to kill these things that live in it."

"That's something I can agree with. Hey, do you like vodka?"

Reznov smiled. "Who doesn't?"

Nikolai sighed longingly. "I hope to find some soon. I'm dangerously close to becoming sober."

"Maybe that's why you can't remember," Reznov muttered under his breath.

As they passed a building, they heard another gunshot right above them, followed by a third.

"Ah, he moved positions again," Reznov noted. "Sneaky bastard."

"Who?"

"It's not like the name would be familiar to you, Chernov, but that's our old pal Dimitri."

Nikolai thought about it. "I don't remember a Dimitri, either."

Reznov's tone was now significantly bitter. "I said you would not. Did I lie?"

"Woah, woah. No reason to get angry."

Only the sound of a door slowly creaking followed as neither man knew what to say to the other. Instead, they simply walked out of the empty street and into the building.

The house they were in was surprisingly clean and orderly despite the apocalypse that was happening just outside of its walls. Primitive electric lights illuminated the foyer, which had many expensive paintings hung on the walls dealing with what Nikolai presumed to be Equestrian history. The walls were decorated with an ugly pattern of beige and white vertical stripes, and the floor was made of fresh oak wood, probably imported from somewhere warmer in the kingdom. There was a staircase that led to a second floor, no doubt where this 'Dimitri' was located.

"Dimitri, are you here?" Reznov called out.

A youthful, masculine voice replied with with a simple "Da." He sounded completely unfazed by Reznov's sudden speaking despite the fact that they had entered quietly.

"What about the other guy?" Asked Reznov.

"You mean me?" Asked a figure who suddenly stepped in from another room. He looked all too familiar to Nikolai.

"Dempsey."

"No," the Dempsey look-alike shook his head. He held a standard-issue M1 Garand in his arms and a cigarette barely hung in his mouth. "Name's Polonsky."

Nikolai chuckled. "Very funny, Dempsey. Nikolai isn't stupid."

Polonsky raised an eyebrow. "I don't know a Dempsey."

Nikolai noted his voice, which lacked the gruff manliness of Tank, instead sounding more like someone who was barely an adult. However, this Polonsky had every feature of Dempsey, even the same hairstyle. Nikolai himself raised an eyebrow.

"Nikolai must be drunk again. There's just no other way."

Dimitri Petrenko walked down the stairs, clutching a scoped Mosin-Nagant bolt-action rifle. He didn't look much older than Polonsky, and he had the all-too-familiar war-weary expression that many Red Army soldiers had adopted in the final weeks of the war. There was a bloody chest bandage tightly wrapped around his shirtless body and a few holes were in his hat.

The face changed quickly once Dimitri recognized the face.

"Chernov? You're alive!?"

Reznov butted in again. "He's not Chernov, Dimitri, he's 'Nikolai'."

"What?"

"And he thinks I'm a guy called 'Dempsey," Polonsky added.

"Nikolai's just as confused as you three. Where did you come from?"

Polonsky sat down and set his Marine helmet on his head loosely. He didn't appear happy. "I don't know. We were taking Shuri Castle in Okinawa. Damn Japs killed Roebuck, and our unit was pinned down. All I remember is an explosion. The next thing I know, I'm here in this fucking place."

"No zombies?"

Polonsky cocked his head. "Zombies? Reznov, did this guy suffer a blow to the head or something?"

"Actually, I have, but that's beside the point. I've been fighting zombies with a German, an American that looks just like you, and an annoying Japanese guy."

Reznov's anger increased when he heard the word "German". "Have you been working with the Nazis, Chernov?"

"Just that one. Why?"

Reznov grabbed him by the shirt collar and violently shook the other Russian. "Damn it, Chernov! Collaborating with any Nazi is a betrayal!" He let go of Nikolai and pulled out a Tokarev pistol that had been previously hidden in his uniform. He pointed it at Nikolai and scowled. "I should kill you where you stand."

"Calm down, old man!" Polonsky stopped Reznov. "We got fucking pony zombies in a city that we don't even know shit about, and you want to kill a potential ally? Nazis aren't our problem right now!"

"He's right, Reznov," Dimitri agreed. "There are more important matters to worry about."

Reznov hesitated. "He's working with a Nazi, Dimitri, the same people who stabbed us in the back! The people who killed my father for playing music! He's corrupted!"

Nikolai stood his ground. "Are you questioning my loyalty to the motherland? I was born a proud Russian, and I will die a proud Russian!"

"A proud Russian would kill any Nazi on sight," Reznov spat.

"Nikolai had no choice!" Nikolai shouted.

"Shut up!" Polonsky broke up the argument. "You're going to alert a whole damn swarm of them."

In the following silence, there was a pound at the door, followed by another, then another.

"Never mind, too late!" The sole American of the group stated as he raised his rifle at the door.

. . .

"So, I don't think we've had time to properly introduce ourselves," the emotionless twin broke the silence.

"Oh yeah," Berry nodded. "My name is Berry Punch."

"I'm Cherry Pop. I run a bar back in Ponyville."

"A bar, you say?" The mare chuckled. She had a beige coat with an almost equally beige mane that drooped down to her lower neck. On her forehead it was neatly parted, not even a single hair was out of place. Her eyes were a cool aqua that expressed no fear, which surprised the Ponyville duo. Her cutie mark was simply a simple face that neither smiled nor frowned. "If we survive this ordeal, I would love a drink. My name is Scare Smiler. I apologize about my sister, she gets way too carried away."

The emotional twin could be heard criticizing Bertrot, who was barely containing his disdain for her. However, Berry and Cherry could not understand her because she spoke in the native Stalliongrad tongue.

"Sister!" Scarce barked. "Not now."

The twin snootily trotted to the other three mares. Unlike her sister, this twin's mane looked like it had never been styled at all; it stood straight up in some places while it haphazardly lied flatly in others. Her eyes had the same blue as her sister, but they somehow only reflected chaos and uncertainty, as well as a little haughtyness. Her cutie mark was much more elegant than Scarce's, as her's appeared to be a crimson curtain with a wooden floor.

"You may call me Curtain Call. I'm the more expressive one of the family."

"Yeah, I could see how expressive you were in trying to convince the others to abandon us," Berry spat. "Bitch."

Curtain Call's eyes flared as she got up close and personal with Berry. "You're dead weight, madam! You, her-" she pointed at Cherry, who rolled her eyes in annoyance "-and that hairless ape have no idea what's going on. If it were my way, you would be zombie lunch!" She jammed her hoof into Berry's chest, but the town drunk did not back down.

"His name is Nikolai," Berry managed through gritted teeth. "And he could kick a zombie's ass all the way to Saddle Arabia. If he were here, he'd probably do the same to your whiny ass."

"Nothing more than a brute, huh?" Curtain smirked at Berry. She then turned to Cherry. "Sounds like you're in some great company."

"Sister! Remember what I said about tact?"

Curtain turned to Scarce. "Take your tact and shove it! I want to speak what's on my mind."

Scarce remained as calm as ever. "You've spoken enough for the both of us."

Curtain snorted, but said nothing as she turned around and slowly made her way to the other side of the building. Scarce followed her

Bertrot took their place. "What's her problem? They've been nothing but trouble since I met them."

Cherry shrugged. "I think they might be a little crazy."

"Understatement of the year," Berry agreed. "They're like an emotional yin-yang."

There was an awkward pause. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure you've already heard my name. I'm Bertrot. I was here on business, but then this mess came along and bucked everything up."

"Your accent sounds Germane," Berry pointed out.

"Ja, I'm from the capital, Muneich. I am a courier for the government."

"We're both from Ponyville."

"I overheard. What about that ape?"

Berry suddenly became defensive. "He's not an ape. He's a human."

"Human? I'm sorry, but I don't follow."

Cherry took over. "He's from another world. Apparently he's used to this stuff," she shuddered at the thought. "I hope this is just a one-time thing for me."

Bertrot shook his head. His mane was teal and short, and his eyes were a bright amber. His cutie mark was an iron horseshoe. He was slightly underweight for a stallion of his size, and he appeared to have very little muscle mass.

"What are we going to do about your friend, Ms. . . What's your name?"

Berry's face tensed. "It's Berry Punch. We're going to find him. He's Stalliongrad's last hope. Without him, the city will fall."

Cherry disagreed. "No, we find Nikolai and any survivors left and get out of here!"

Berry growled at her close friend. "We are going to make them pay, Cherry. Nikolai knows what to do."

"What if he gets bitten? You'll never forgive yourself, Berry."

"Don't underestimate him. He can hold his own."

"I'm not, but he can't take on a city of undead by himself."

Berry was momentarily quiet. "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. First things first, we get our comrade back."

Bertrot spoke up. "I'll be happy to help fix this mess. It's my fault that he's not with us."

Berry smiled slightly. "We'll need all the help we can get to get through this alive. What about the twins?"

"They have no plan and they need us just as much as we need them. I'm pretty sure they will joi-"

CRACK!

The ponies jumped as they heard the crisp, clean sound of sniper fire.

"Cherry?" Berry spoke after the sound died out.

"Y-yeah?" The pegasus managed, still shaking from the unusual noise.

"I don't think that was Nikolai's gun. It sounded less. . . brutal."

"Yeah. T-that didn't sound right, no sir."

. . .

"MAIN POWER ONLINE! AUXILIARY POWER DEACTIVATED! ROCKET APPROACHING TEST POSITION!"

The loudspeaker echoed across the facility as color and power returned to the cosmodrome. Dempsey and Takeo stood in the glass-roofed power room as they watched a Soviet space shuttle make its way to the launchpad via a large machine. It was astounding to the zombie slayers, who had traveled from 1945 and therefore missed the drama of the Space Race, to see such a mighty vessel that was capable of taking a man into the depths of space.

"Wow," Dempsey muttered just loudly enough for Takeo to hear. "Technology sure did advance in those 20-or-so years that we traveled past."

Takeo was obviously disappointed. "How could such a dishonorable nation acquire this knowledge before Japan?"

"Communism, Takeo. The people are slaves to whatever the USSR wants. All you need is one genius, a lot of workers, and some big guys with guns to scare the workers into doing their job."

"Wow, American, that was actually an intelligent observation. I have more respect for you now."

"M'urica," Dempsey saluted the sky. "Hell yeah."

Takeo frowned. "Forget what I just said. Let's focus on the rocket. What purpose does it serve?"

"INITIATING BULAR NAVIGATION SYSTEM! AWAITING SECURITY PROTOCOL 13255!"

"Security protocol 13255?" Dempsey scratched his chin. "I wonder what that means."

"I just wonder why a Russian facility's intercom is in English," Takeo noted.

"Too bad we left Richtofen to take care of the crawlers. Maybe that crazy bastard knows a thing or two about rocket science."

Takeo nodded. "I'll go fetch the dishonorable doctor.

. . .

"Aw, look at you! You're crawling to your mas- oh, you died."

Richtofen picked up the dead zombie torso and flung its body against the wall. "Verdammt! I need LIVE specimens. You there!" He pointed to one of the crawlers that was still alive and hungry. "I could use you. You're so. . . Warm, und fuzzy! You're perfect!"

"Doctor, can it wait?" Takeo's voice came calmly from behind. Richtofen, startled out of his inner thoughts, kicked the crawler into the air and watched it as it was impaled in the head by a sharp piece of debris. "Ha, I still got my aim!" He laughed. Then, he turned to Takeo, his smile vanishing as he suddenly became serious. "What do you need, Mr. Kamikaze?"

Takeo reached for his samurai sword.

"Just kidding! Take a joke!"

"Dempsey and I need you at the power station. We want you to take a look at the rocket's control panel."

"Rocket?" Richtofen questioned as he looked up into the sky. He now saw the rocket that stood erect in the air-

Richtofen snickered. "You said erect."

Damn it, Richtofen! I actually thought we would make it through the whole story without anymore character-author dialogue. So much for that.

"Sorry," Richtofen apologized. "Anyway, Takeo, I was so engrossed in my research that I didn't even notice. I will join Dempshey and see what I can do."

"Thank you. Oh, and one more thing doctor."

"What?"

In the span of a second, Takeo drew his samurai sword, grabbed Richtofen by his neck, and held him against the wall.

"I know you're not telling us everything."

Richtofen put on a hurt face and changed the tone of his voice. "Takeo, y-you don't trust me?"

Takeo's face remained emotionless. He was a difficult one to read. "Crocodile tears will not save you forever."

Richtofen continued his charade. "Crocodile tears? Takeo, I'm offended!"

The Japanese man remained unconvinced. "I'm not going to kill you, not yet anyway."

"Smart move, my friend. Without me, you and that stupid American would know nothing."

Takeo pressed the sword to Richtofen's throat. "Just remember that I am watching you really closely, doctor. One false move is all it will take for me to end your wicked life. Got it?"

Richtofen tried to nod, but couldn't.

"I'll take that as a yes," Takeo said as he let go of Richtofen and sheathed his sword. "Now, let's go see what Dempsey wants, shall we?"

Richtofen gulped. "Uh, ja, ja. Let's go."

. . .

"Let's see here, maybe I should just press the big shiny red button. It might just be crazy enough to work," Richtofen mumbled as he glanced over the console.

Dempsey spoke up. "Don't you know anything? The big red button is never meant to be touched."

"Oh, so you mean it's. . . Off limits?" Richtofen mumbled seductively. "That's how I like it."

Dempsey sighed as he impatiently shoved the mad doctor away and stepped up to the control panel himself. "I don't think he is going to be much help, Tak."

The samurai only nodded, though Dempsey was too focused on the controls to notice.

"Why did it have to be Nikolai?" Dempsey asked out loud as he tried to make sense of the schematics. However, while the intercom voice spoke English, everything else was written in Russian Cyrillic. "It's no good, nobody here speaks Russian anyway."

"Perhaps-"

They sky suddenly turned into a bright orange as alarms blared loudly.

"WARNING! RE-ENTRY DETECTED! ALL SECURITY PERSONNEL ON HIGH ALERT!"

Multiple large impacts around the cosmodrome caused the ground to shake violently, and the trio reached for their weapons.

"When did the crawler die!?" Richtofen shouted. "I wanted to play with him a little longer."

Not long after that, a piece a poop broke through the glass rooftop and landed on Takeo's hat.

"Ew!"

Author's Notes:

Still not dead!

I'll tell you right now; the next chapter will be long, and I mean loooooooooooonnnnggggg!

And where did all these other humans come from anyway? And will Nikolai shoot zombie idea Flash Sentry?

Yes. Yes he will. In the face. Multiple Times.

The Battle of Stalliongrad: Part I

As the door began to crumble in front of them, Nikolai and his new human friends waited with nervous anticipation. They clung tightly to their guns and prepared for the worst. Nikolai and his Olympia were up front, followed by Reznov's PPSH and Polonsky's M1 Garand. Dimitri stood on the balcony, prepared to snipe anything that got through.

"What's the escape plan?" Dimitri questioned.

Reznov turned to him and shrugged. "We'll think of something. We made it this far, right?"

"You mean we don't have an escape plan ready?" Nikolai facepalmed. "We're screwed."

"We've pretty much been making up our plans as we went along, Chernov," Reznov replied.

"Will you stop calling me that?"

The door gave way, and Polonsky began to pour fire into the doorway. Nikolai stepped closer to the door and blasted the undead with both shots before stepping back to reload. Reznov covered Nikolai and Polonsky when they had to reload while Dimitri popped heads from above.

"You sons of bitches hungry!?" Polonsky screamed as he reached for a grenade. He grabbed it and pulled the pin. "Eat this!" He shouted as he tossed the explosive into the doorway. He then turned to the other three. "We need to get out of this house while we have the chance!"

Reznov walked backwards up the stairs, covering Polonsky and Nikolai as they quickly scrambled past him. Reznov cut down the rest of the horde, with the grenade taking care of those he missed, before joining the other three on the roof. There were already more pouring in through the doorway, and some were now making their way through first floor windows. Dimitri used his sharp vision to quickly locate a fire escape located just down the hall.

"Reznov, this way!" The young sniper announced as he pointed at said escape.

Reznov briefly glanced over at the hallway. "Excellent discovery, Dimitri!"

Polonsky's M1 Garand clicked. "Good thing you found it when you did. I'm dry!"

Nikolai was already making his way to the window. "We better get going! Hopefully we can find a box for Demp- Polonsky!"

"A box?" Reznov asked Dimitri, who just shrugged.

The four climbed onto the small metal structure and quickly climbed the stairs until they reached the roof.

Polonsky was the last to reach the roof. "We better hurry, they're following us!"

"Chyort," Reznov muttered. "These bastards are more persistent than the Germans."

Nikolai squinted and scanned the night sky for a blue beacon of light. He silently hoped that the perk machines and the box had made it into Equestria along with the zombies. After all, an Olympia drawing had made its way through, so why not other creations of 115?

"Nikolai, what are you doing?" Polonsky questioned. "We can stargaze later. For now, we fight."

Nikolai snapped back to the current threat and fired some buckshot into the first ponies that reached the top. Reznov took care of the rest. As another horde of horses began their way up the already weighted down fire escape, it collapsed under the weight and fell.

The four soldiers were temporarily safe, and Nikolai resumed scanning the night sky. His eyes widened as he spot the familiar light hovering about a quarter mile away. He followed it down to see it was located on the rooftop of another building nearby. He let out a small smile as the rest of the group sat down to rest for a few minutes.

"At least now we can relax," Polonsky wiped the sweat off of his brow. "I haven't had that opportunity since I got here."

"You're not the only one, American," Dimitri attempted to make small talk. "We're worn out as well."

"How did you two get here, anyway?" Polonsky questioned. "I imagine patrolling Berlin was not exactly action-packed."

Reznov raised an eyebrow, confused. "We were not patrolling Berlin yet. The Germans still controlled the Reichstag when we got sent here."

Now it was Polonsky's turn to be confused. "Huh? But we had received word that the Nazis surrendered on May 2nd. Was our intel wrong?"

"May 2nd?" Dimitri joined in. "It was April 30th last time I checked."

"It was May 28th when I came here. Germany and Italy have fallen, but the Japs haven't given up yet."

"You were from the Pacific Front?"

"Yeah. I served under a man named Roebuck. He died literally minutes before. . . Whatever happened. He was a good man, but he didn't see the trap until it was too late."

Dimitri showed slight pity. "I'm sorry. We had heard that the Japanese were rather brutal."

"Ever since Pearl Harbor, they've been doing whatever they can to defeat us. They're not above suicide bombings," Polonsky spit out his cigarette. "I just hope Miller and the others are giving them hell."

Nikolai sat down with them. "I'm from further into the future. America will defeat Japan, but they will do it in a morally questionable way.

Polonsky nodded. "I figured we would win, but were we desperate?"

Nikolai thought about it. "In a way. At least that's what Richtofen told me."

"And you trust the German?" Reznov sneered.

"This again?" Nikolai frowned. "I took no pleasure in it, Reznov, I assure you."

Reznov only looked away.

"What's the plan anyway?" Nikolai asked Dimitri. "I have a few friends to get back to."

Dimitri glanced at Polonsky. "Do we even have a plan?" He asked the American. Polonsky just shrugged.

"Survive. We can solve this mystery later," Reznov answered. "Nikolai, there are ponies here that are friendly, right?"

"Yes, an entire country. It's just this city that's the problem."

"Well, perhaps it is best if we find your friends."

Nikolai stood again, clutching his shotgun. "I'd prefer we find them sooner. They don't have much combat experience."

The other three slowly rose to their feet. "Where are we headed?"

Nikolai wasted no time in pointing out the blue light in the sky. "There. We get armed first, or we won't stand a chance."

. . .

Berry and the others listened intently to the distant gunfire that crashed like thunder across the city. Somewhere, there was a battle being fought, and they were unsure who was winning it. For Berry, it meant that Nikolai was alive, if fighting for his life. The alcoholic feared greatly for the safety of her human friend, so it only made her even more shaky when the gunfire came to an abrupt halt and did not start back up. She hoped that they would find Nikolai alive and well.

After a moment of silence, Cherry spoke up. "That wasn't just Nikolai."

Bertrot did not follow. "What do you mean?"

"There was definitely more than one gun shooting. I can't tell how many, but there's at least another. Didn't you hear the one that fired rapidly? I don't think Nikolai's gun could do that."

Berry nodded, trying to hide her worry. "Yeah. If Nikolai found friends, then that's good news."

"Maybe he found enemies," Curtain Call injected more tension into the situation.

"I doubt there would be a fight in a time like this," Bertrot stated confidently.

Berry hoped this was true, but Curtain Call's words worried her. The last thing they needed was a new enemy.

"Yeah," Cherry agreed with Bertrot. "If they were enemies, why did they stop shooting at the exact same time?"

"We need to find them. Standing around is not helping us get closer to our goal," Bertrot reminded them.

"Agreed. Let's get off this building," Scarce spoke up.

Bertrot used his magic to create a small orb of pure light to illuminate the area. "It will help if we can see where we are going."

Scarce trotted over to a window of an adjacent, taller building. "We can cut through here. I suggest we travel by rooftop if we want a fighting chance."

Berry turned to Cherry. "Cherry, I don't suppose you could fly around and look for Nikolai, can you?"

Cherry thought about it for a second and shook her head. "It's too dark. I would probably end up smacking into a building. Sorry, Berry."

Berry's hopeful expression dropped. "Oh, good point," She switched her gaze back to Scarce. "Ready when you are."

"We're ready," she replied.

"Hey!" Curtain Call interjected. "Don't I get a say."

"No," Berry calmly stated. "You're a bitch."

Bertrot prepared to buck the window. "Let's not waste anymore time."

The window shattered under the force of the courier's legs, revealing a small, cozy apartment that was dimly lit by the floating orb. The room was void of zombies, and was surprisingly tidy considering how sudden this apocalypse had begun. The small herd carefully crept their way through the dark, abandoned room and opened the door to the hallway. The hallway was decorated with various piles of rubbish, and a few corpses with their skulls bashed in lied helplessly on the floor. The worse thing about it was that the blood was still fresh. Cherry spewed vomit on the floor, while Berry could barely keep her lunch down.

"Disgusting!" Curtain screamed as Cherry groaned.

"Sister!" Scarce growled. "Watch it!"

"Quiet, both of you," Cherry ordered as she wiped her mouth with her hoof. "Sorry about that, though. It's. . . It's just not right."

Berry tried to give a sympathetic smile, but she couldn't find the mental strength. "It's fine. None of this is right."

Bertrot was already making his way upstairs, carrying the light with him. The others followed, partly because they were driven to the light like moths and partly because of the smell.

They made their way up the stairs, one floor at a time, their eyes wide open in case they ran into any undead. Luckily, the hallways were clear of any living dead, but there were many bodies left behind. Berry wondered if this apartment had been the sight of a fierce battle, or if it had simply been cleared out by another group in the city. The head injuries were obviously done with melee attacks, specifically with bucking, so Nikolai and any friends he may have found didn't do this, only a pony could have bashed a skull in like that. However, Berry wondered what kind of pony would be either brave, suicidal, or foolhardy enough to make such a dangerous attack.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Bertrot. "A door," he whispered, nodding at the rectangular piece of wood in front of him. It sat at the top of the flight of stairs, providing the only way through

"No shit, Sherlock?" Scarce quipped.

"Shut up," the Germane pony responded as he rolled his eyes.

"Couldn't resist, sorry."

Bertrot grabbed the knob and turned it, creaking the door open. Thanks to the light, he could see that they were on another rooftop. However, this one had a lone zombie pony trotting around idly. Surprised, Bertrot quickly but quietly shut the door.

"What's the intel, Captain?" Curtain asked in a suddenly playful tune.

"A zombie. I could see its soulless yellow eyes."

"Just one?" Berry inquired.

"Ja, from what I could tell anyway. I don't think it saw us."

Berry nodded. "Let's take it down, hopefully we'll get it by surprise."

Bertrot opened up the door. "Who's up to the job?"

"I'll do it!" Curtain Call exclaimed rather loudly, causing the whole group to jump. The dramatic pony's words alerted the zombie, who began to trot to the group. In a surprising display of power and bravery, Curtain leapt into the air, dived right into the undead equine, and proceeded to savagely beat it with her hooves. The rest of the group could only stare in shock.

By the time Curtain had finished her smackdown on the zombie, you couldn't even recognize what it had been before. Curtain's hooves were covered with blood and other fluids, but she didn't even seem to notice as she trotted over her allies. Everypony was speechless.

Curtain smiled. "That felt right."

"That was pretty metal," Bertrot finally spoke.

Even Scarce seemed shocked. "I can't believe you just did that, sister. You're normally all bark."

Curtain's smile turned into scowl. "Are you implying that I am a dog?"

Scarce facehoofed. "Seriously?"

"I thought it would be best to fight bravely and go out with a bang. Maybe they will sing stories of me as a hero!"

"You killed one zombie. One zombie," Berry spoke up "Don't get too excited."

"Shut-"

BOOM!

The ponies jumped when they heard the crisp sniper fire and saw a single bullet sail by Curtain and into an unseen zombie that was about to sink its teeth into her flank.

"Shit!" Curtain exclaimed.

They turned to the source of the gunshot and found Nikolai and three other humans on the rooftop that was directly across the street. Next to them stood a wooden box that was the source of a strange blue beacon in the sky. One man, skinnier than the rest, held a gun with what appeared to be a telescope attached to it. He was the one who just saved Curtain's life.

"Nikolai!" Berry gasped as she made her way to the edge of the building. "You're alive!"

Nikolai gave a warm, friendly smile. "Berry! Cherry! Good to see you're not dead yet! Have you seen any vodka around? Nikolai is kinda thirsty."

Berry couldn't help but chuckle at her friend's main concern. Nikolai was still Nikolai, and that meant that things would hopefully be OK. Still, her heart pounded, partly because of the surprise from the shot, but partly because he was still there. So close, but yet so far.

"Watch your fire, asshole!" Curtain Call screamed at her savior.

"Don't be an ungrateful bitch!" The man called back.

It would have descended into an all-out scream-fest if Scarce hadn't put away

One of the men in Nikolai's group began to talk to him, but Berry was too far away to pick up eavesdrop on their conversation. The drunk responded with a simple "No," that came out harshly. The man began to argue with Nikolai until the two were separated by the man holding the scoped weapon, who berated them both for arguing in a time like this. Both men calmed down, but neither seemed really happy about it.

Nikolai turned back to Berry. "Is there any way across?"

Berry shook her head. "Not that I know of."

The man who Nikolai had been arguing with spoke up. "Maybe we can hitch a ride on the back of the winged one," he pointed a finger at Cherry.

The pegasus bit her lip. "No way would I be able to carry any of you on your back."

Nikolai sighed and glanced around. "We'll fight our way to you, then. Right, guys?"

"Yeah," one of the men, who's voice lacked the same accent of the others, agreed. "Now, can I hit the box now?"

"Da."

Berry watched in amazement as the man kicked open the wooden box, which bathed the four men in a golden light as it cycled through different weapons like a slot machine, finally slowing to what appeared to be a small, strange pistol. The man took it, but his words showed that he was not pleased.

"Are you fucking kidding me!? It's a fucking toy!"

Nikolai's voice had a hint of amusement. "That's no toy, my American friend."

The American snorted. "Looks like a toy to me. I bet it shoots darts."

"Darts, no. Rings of death, yes."

"Why don't you try it, Polonsky?" The man with the scope spoke up, pointing the the horde of zomponies wandering around the street below. Most were standing from below, roaring at the currently safe survivors. So, Polonsky took his gun and fired a single shot. A lime green light plummeted straight into an unlucky pony that soon found itself horribly dismembered.

"Holy shit!" Polonsky shouted once he saw the results. "Maybe I was wrong about this gun."

"It's the Ray Gun. Everybody wants the Ray Gun. I just wonder if this map-, er, city has PhD."

"PhD? Yeah, a medic would be nice."

"Never mind," Nikolai corrected himself. "You'll learn later. Anyone else want to hit it?"

Reznov nodded. "Well, I guess it won't hurt. I'd like a Ray Gun, too."

The thick man kicked open the box and watched it cycle through various weapons until it stopped on a rifle. He took it and examined it.

"What's this? It doesn't look like any rifle I've ever fired."

"It's called a Commando. It's pretty good, not as good as a Ray Gun, though."

Reznov chuckled to himself as he admired the weapon. "Well, Chernov, it appears you know your guns. I like it," he said as he slung it over his back.

"I'll go next," Nikolai announced as he stepped over to the box and kicked it. He whistled along to the tune until it stopped on a stuffed monkey with dynamite strapped to its back.

Nikolai did not sound impressed. "I would have liked a gun better, you fucking box."

"I guess that leaves me, then," Dimitri nodded as he hit the box. Berry watched as it came to a stop on a strange-looking rifle with a notably small scope.

"Alright! A scoped weapon. What's this one called, Nikolai?"

"An AUG. It's not meant to be used like a sniper, though."

Dimitri looked slightly disappointed. "Oh, so much for that then. Is it good, at least?"

"Yeah, pretty solid. I got the worst deal," Nikolai nodded at the three monkey bombs strapped to his waist.

"How did you get three?" Asked Polonsky. "I thought the box only had one."

Nikolai did not miss a beat. "Logic is something you don't worry about here, friend. Plus, I have a magic ass."

"A magic ass?"

"A magic ass."

Polonsky struggled to find a response as he stared into Nikolai's dead serious face. "Well, OK then."

Nikolai turned back to the group of ponies, who were still there. "We're going now. Good luck, Berry!"

Berry gave a wave. "Be careful, Nik! We'll find another roof to hold out on."

Nikolai nodded and turned back to his group. "Everybody ready?"

"Yeah."

"Yes."

"Da."

Nikolai pointed at the nearby fire escape. "That's the only way down."

The three Russians wordlessly made their way down, but Polonsky hesitated. "I don't know, remember the last one?"

"Then jump down, American," Reznov mocked. "See if that's a better route."

The marine rolled his eyes and joined the others. "Asshole."

"Whatever," Reznov replied.

"He's kinda right, Reznov," Nikolai injected his opinion into the conversation. "You are an asshole."

"And you're a traitor, Chernov!" Reznov yelled loudly, a hint of hurt in his voice.

Dimitri muffled his comrade. "Reznov, shhh! All of you shut up. I know that exchange on the roof was loud, but we were in a safe spot then.

The four men entered a room through a broken window and gunned down two reanimated corpses.

"Well, our gunfire probably isn't helping either," Polonsky noted after the bodies fell.

"I'm not used to them being like this," Nikolai replied. "Before now, they were controlled by a little girl. Now, they seem to be acting on their own will."

Reznov smirked. "A little girl. How humorous."

"You wouldn't believe the shit I've seen, Reznov."

Reznov hesitated. "I can't argue with that."

The four moved through the building swiftly, blasting at anything that moved, until they reached the ground floor. Looking out of a window, they could see that the streets were still occupied by vast hordes of horses. The four of them raised their guns, but Nikolai lowered his, an idea forming in his head.

"Wait," he said to the other three as he reached for one of the monkeys on his belt. "I think one of these will do the trick."

A smile appeared on Dimitri's face. "Oh, I can't wait to see this."

Nikolai slowly cranked the handle.

"You're not Sam!" The toy monkey emitted in a high-pitched voice. Nikolai couldn't help but crack a smile at the cute machine of death that he held in his hands, but it didn't stop him from throwing it out of the window. It majestically flew through the air as it screamed "Woaaaahhhhh!" It landed with a thud in the center of the street and began to play its tune, which for some reason was very interesting to the undead as the gathered around to listen to the toy.

"That was fu-"

BOOM!

The explosion sent corpses flying in all directions, clearing a small section of the streets so they could cross. Nikolai gave himself a second to admire his work.

"Go!" Nikolai shouted as they made a break for the building on the other side. He reached for the doorknob and gave it a twist, only to discover that it was locked.

"Shit! Not now!" The not-so-drunk Russian exclaimed as he banged on the door. "Open up, please!" He cried desperately as he began to bang on the door.

The nearby zomponies had heard the explosion and were making their way to the source. There wasn't much time before they would be overwhelmed. Nikolai continued his efforts to bust down the door as the horde grew closer.

"Shit! Reznov, I need your help!"

"On it!" He acknowledged as he made his way to Nikolai. The two threw their weight at the door, but it still would not budge. Polonsky and Dimitri began to give cover fire with their box weapons, though it did little to slow the advancing zombies.

The two Russians tried again, and threw themselves at the door. Though the door did not bust down, they saw that they were making progress, slowly but surely.

The horses were only ten feet away now.

Reznov charged and smashed at the door again. It looked like it was just about to give way at any second.

Five feet and closing.

Reznov tried one last time, stepping back and using all of his might, he busted the door down and dashed inside, expecting the other three to follow right behind him.

Nikolai turned around to see both Polonsky and Dimitri pinned down by zombies, their jaws inches away from their faces. They both struggled just to keep from being bitten.

It was then that Nikolai saw two buttons appear in his field of vision.

X- Save Polonsky
B- Save Dimitri

"Are you fucking kidding me!?" screamed Nikolai. "When did this become a Telltale game?"

In a split second, Nikolai made his decision and fired his gun.

It was Polonsky.

As the American scrambled into the building, Nikolai turned his attention to Dimitri.

But, as Nikolai already knew too well, you can't have it both ways. The drunk could only watch helplessly as the pony sank it's teeth into Dimitri's neck. The young sniper could only scream as panic set in, causing his AUG to spray bullets into the nearby wall.

"Help!" Dimitri cried, his arm reaching out to Nikolai. "P-pleeeeaaaa-"

Nikolai did help, with a shotgun blast to Dimitri's head. He then quickly headed into the building, with the large undead pony army following him inside.

Author's Notes:

I know. I know. It's been some time. Normally, you could chalk up the delay as me being lazy, but I actually have a valid excuse. Actually, I have three.

You see, back in mid-February, my mother broke her ankle and I've been the only one around to take care of her, because my father is a workaholic. To make things worse, I'm also involved in the school play and that's taken a chunk of my time. And the cherry on the cake? I have to take my ACT on the 18th and I'm absolutely scared shitless.

But enough about my personal life. I hope you enjoy. Also, it's 10:30 and I'm kinda tired.