Author's Notes:

The Usual Disclaimer:

The following is a work of parody, and is protected as Fair Use under section 17 U.S. Code § 107 of US Copyright Law. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and all affiliated characters are property of Hasbro Inc.

I own nothing. All characters, settings and other belong to their respective owners. This is purely a fan-work with no intent towards profit, slander or harm towards the characters, settings or other, or their respective owners. If the respective owners feel that this fan-work in any way, shape or form threatens or besmirches their property, please let me know so that it be can be removed asap.

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Ungh. I have no apologies, only that RL is kicking my behind something fierce and mustering the energy to do anything after work, then house-work, is completed is something of a herculean task.

God bless autocorrect.

I'm going back to bed.

CHAPTER 74

Discord had to admit that since this ‘entanglement’ with Celestia had begun, he hadn’t really been bored. Oh, not that he didn’t have moments of calm and peace, but for the first time in … ever, it didn’t feel annoying to not be rampaging around and spreading Chaos across the world. Their relationship was chaotic enough to satisfy his need to cause Chaos, but there was just something that was so nice about being around Celestia.

Now was not one of the nice things he’d come to enjoy, but still, something within Discord compelled him to remain at Celestia’s side as the white Alicorn dragged a brush harshly through her coat, grumbling under her breath. He’d popped in from prowling the Castle grounds looking for ponies to prank to find Celestia grumping away in her private quarters, and when he finally managed to get her to talk to him, she’d explained in short, clipped sentences that she was tired, she had a long day tomorrow, could he go away, bloody stallions, in that order.

In short, Discord didn’t quite understand, and so he’d asked for an explanation. A glare and a deep, shuddering sigh later, Celestia asked Discord to sit next to her and began to explain, in excruciating detail, just how bad her day had gotten.

Learning the most powerful Empath in living memory happened to be a lonely, embittered pervert who liked something Celestia called ‘Sis-cest’. That Twilight Sparkle was, according to the Royal Agents assigned to watch over Ponyville, on ‘the warpath’ about Celestia’s subtle behind-the-scenes prodding to get the young Unicorn to ascend into an Alicorn. About how two of the Elements had apparently gone rogue, and the Mother of Stones was about to literally crash the party to get to the bottom of it all. And each revelation cracked Celestia’s grumpy façade to reveal a mare deeply hurt by the implication that Twilight no longer trusted her.

“A-and there’s no way I’ll get a ch-chance to sit down with Twilight and talk it out with all of this happening!” Celestia sniffled, now leaning heavily against Discord as the Chimera-like being stroked her mane in what he hoped was a comforting fashion, while the tuft of fur that capped the end of his tail plucked another tissue from the rapidly-emptying box and offered it to the Solar Princess, who took it and blew her nose. Noisily. Messily. If boogers hadn’t been involved, Discord would have been charmed. “Spuh-Spike says he’s nuh-never seen Twilight so angry!”

“Easy, easy, I’m sure if you can get Twilight to talk with you in private, you’ll make her see it was all alright.” Discord murmured, sighing as Celestia sniffled again and nodded half-heartedly. “Yes, she’s going to yell and be angry, but you’re like a second mother to her, I doubt she can be mad forever, not if you take the inniative and remind your little purple-nurple that you’ve been waiting in the wings every step of the way, to swoop in and save the day if her ‘trials’ ever threatened her or her friends, ever since you sent her off to Ponyville in the first place.”

“Bu-but the Mother of Stones will be here!” Celestia all but wailed and leaned so heavily into Discord he grunted as an Alicorn-sized shoulder buried itself into his rib-cage. “And the rogue Elements of Harmony have to be dealt with! By the time everything gets settled, I’ll have had to speak to her as a fellow Princess, and not as her teacher, and th-then …”

“Ap-ap-ap-ap-ap! None of that! Now, I’m no expert on this ‘friendship’ stuff, but I would make sure you’re there to greet Twilight at the station, rather than waiting for her to come to you. Greet her, teleport her and her friends directly to the castle and I think you should be able to convince the Mother of Stones that you need a chance to spend a few minutes with a newly Ascended Immortal, yes?”

Sniffling, Celestia nodded slowly, staring up at Discord’s face with watery eyes.

“And yes, Twilight is upset, but if she sees you’re upset too, maybe she’ll be more willing to listen to you when you’re trying to explain she was never in any real danger?”

Celestia nodded again, this time more confidently.

“So, here’s my pitch: I grab the Mother of Stones when she arrives, let her know you’re trying to help your newly-Ascended friend deal with some baggage, get the Elements of Harmony to her, you get a few minutes of relative sanity with Twilight to try and convince her everything is not exploding in her face, then we solve the issue of those irritating little stones before something else goes wrong, and not in a fun way.”

“That … that would actually be great, Discord. The council that oversees my Royal Agents told me that Twilight had ordered them to arrange a number of chariots sent to an old train supply-station to pick up her group, and to leave a hole in our aerial defence network to allow the Bearers to sneak into Canterlot while on those chariots.” The Solar Princess rubbed at her chin with a gilded hoof, leaning back into Discord again, but this time feeling more like a large mare and less like a boulder of despair and misery, as Discord’s ribs gratefully informed him. “I can wait for the Elements to reach the rendezvous point, teleport them directly to Castle and bypass the flight entirely and spend some t-time with Twilight and Luna before the Mother of Stones arrives.”

Discord nodded and wrapped his eagle-claw around Celestia’s shoulder and gave it a light squeeze, something he’d seen done by Ponies he’d snooped on before when somebody close to them felt down, and was rewarded with a relieved sigh from the Alicorn of the Sun.

“If it will be of any help, I can distract the rest of them for as long as I can? It has been a while since I saw Fluttershy, and I’m sure I can have something to say to the Elements …”

A soft, throaty chuckle emerged from Celestia’s now-smiling muzzle before it leaned up to nuzzle into the underside of his neck.

“No food-fights with the Elements in-front of the children, but yes, I’m sure now that the Elements have broken … huh, broken a great many things, their oaths of silence amongst them, that they’ll finally be willing to talk about what the hell happened during Luna’s exile, and why they seem to have a fetish for turning things into stone.”

“I have a few things to ask them myself, but that’ll probably have to wait till all the serious stuff is out of the way.” Discord replied, leaning into Celestia’s touch and savouring the still-new feeling of closeness to another being. “Why the Powers have invested so much of their influence in this world, why the Gods keep trying to lay claim to Equis when it is clear that the Powers have staked their claim and thus the Gods are undertaking a blatant violation of the pact, how come I haven’t heard a peep out of any of my ‘parents’ in … a few hundred millennia, that sort of thing.”

“Just because the Elements have a direct connection to the Powers doesn’t mean they can speak directly to the Powers.”

“True, but I used to be a part of the Powers. If I can just make a connection, I should be able to get their attention, even if only for a few moments.”

“What … what would happen to you if you did make the connection, Discord?” A gilded hoof snuck around and pulled Discord even closer to Celestia. “You wouldn’t disappear, would you? Reabsorbed back into the Powers?”

The serpentine chimera blinked, looked down at Celestia and blinked again. “Reabsorbed? Uh … I’m not just some blob of Chaos that got stuck in this layer of reality, I chose to come here, and in doing so my nature changed significantly to be able to remain on this layer. Even if I did try to rejoin them, it would be nearly impossible, I’m simply too different, too … mortal-ish, especially these days.”

“That puts me at ease. I had a sudden thought that if you contacted the Powers, I would lose you …” The Solar Princess mumbled, nuzzling the underside of Discord’s jaw as her hooves pulled Discord against her and held the Aspect of Chaos close.

“I’m going nowhere, I promise you that, Cellie.” The serpentine chimera promised, finding himself oddly serious about that promise. Whatever this ‘relationship’ stuff was doing to him, it certainly wasn’t boring and it certainly had more than it’s share of chaotic messes to keep him entertained. And the snuggling with Celestia, a being he’d long pegged as boringly orderly and had found her to be quite spontaneous, was a most welcome, if unlooked for, bonus as well.

“And that, my Dissy, is all I need to hear.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So …”

“… So.”

Applejack and Fluttershy held each other’s eyes for a few seconds before both blushed and looked away, shifting awkwardly in place as the rattling of the train along the tracks filled the empty silence. Due to the way the carriage had been laid out, there hadn’t been enough room for everypony to cram into the main room, especially with Rarity needing two fully-grown thestral Stallions to carry her about, and the remainder of said Stallions refusing to leave the side of their Princess, who in turn refused to leave the side of Twilight.

Which had ended up with Applejack and Fluttershy drawing the short-straw and being asked to ‘keep watch’ for reporters. Not that anypony could keep up with a train at full-steam for long, which left the two Mares stuck watching the scenery whizzing by and trying to make small-talk without bringing up how they’d rutted each other silly.

And they’d been on watch for nearly an hour …

“This ain’t workin’ … ‘Shy, Faust knows ah’m sorry ah forced m’self on you an’ Zecora. Was plum gone half outta my mind on them afro-de-zee-acks, an’ ah’m not too sure on what ah was doin’ ‘sides tryin’ to get ‘way from mah brother before we, erm, lived up to some stereotypes.” Swallowing the ball of nervousness back down into her belly, Applejack pulled her hat off her head, crushed it to her chest and gave her full attention to Fluttershy. “Ah’ll unnerstan’ if’n you don’t want anythin’ to do with me, but please, it’s plain as day that you ‘n’ Mac are sweet on each other like bees are to honey. Don’t be pushin’ him away jus’ cause he’s mah brother. Ah’ll stay well outta your way, ah promise.”

Half-hiding behind her pink mane, the butter-coloured Pegasus squeaked, then poked her head out from behind the barrier of hair to speak.

“N-no, that’s not what I … oh. No, I di-didn’t mind, Applejack. I … uhm, promise you won’t be mad?”

“Sugarcube, ah could never stay mad at you for long … and after that mornin’? Can’t rightly say ah’ve the right to stay mad at anythin’ you say.”

Gnawing on her bottom lip for several seconds, Fluttershy finally took a deep, shuddering breath and spoke, for her at least, in a loud, clear voice. Which translated into slightly above a whisper for most ponies.

“You … have you ever wondered how I make the bits to feed the animals who come to my cottage? Pay for their medication and the bandages? Pay for my own food, water, electricity and the taxes on my land and cottage?”

Applejack looked at Fluttershy. Not in shock, or surprise, or disbelief. Just looked.

This was a mare who braved the company of monstrous creatures that made even Royal Guards tremble, and with a kind hoof and a gentle song rather than brandishing weapons and battlecries. She could sing like an angel, had the body of a super-model and the grace of a dancer. And yet apart from a few disastrous attempts at ‘normal’ jobs, including that one incident with some fancy froo-froo model-scout that had had Rarity and Fluttershy at loggerheads before the end, Applejack had never heard of what Fluttershy did for a living.

“Honestly? Never crossed mah mind. Ain’t gonna pry, so long as yah not involved in somethin’ shady, or somethin’ that could get yah hurt.” Applejack finally managed to say as her mind raced with what options were available in Ponyville … and came up with precious few that would suit a mare with Fluttershy’s personality ‘quirks’.

“I … uhm … supply all of Ponyville’s … uhm … adult novelty goods through a store I own.”

Applejack blinked. Slowly.

“Beg pardon, but did’ja jus’ tell me that yah are the Pony who runs the Glorious Hole store, the Faust-be-damned back-alley store behind Sofa and Quills that sells …”

“Adult novelty goods.”

“Ah was gonna say dildos, inflatable friends an’ dirty magazines, but yeah, let’s go with that.” The orange-coated farm-mare sighed and pulled her much-abused Stetson hat down over her face. “Well, considerin’ how much traffic the place gets, ah’m not surprised y’all can afford to feed so many o’ them critters, but really? Mah always told me it was the quiet ones that yah had to watch.”

Fluttershy was silent for a few seconds before speaking, unwilling to look Applejack in the eye. “Are you … disappointed in me?”

“The wha? Not on yah life, jus’ … kinda shocked. Never thought Fluttershy’d be involved in somethin’ like that. Flames o’ Tartarus, ah’ve even gone in there a few times to, uh, pick up some sock stuffers for when ah hit a mean dry spell.” Chuckling awkwardly, Applejack fanned herself with her hat while she inwardly cringed at realizing that Fluttershy probably remembered, being the kind, courteous and considerate mare that she was, every toy, tool and trinket that Applejack had ever bought from the Glorious Hole. If it was anypony but Fluttershy, Applejack would probably be guilty of murder right now just to assuage herself that nopony knew what really got her apples juiced. “But, y’all are home most of the time, so how …”

“Some of my animal friends run the store when I’m not there so I can look after the sick and orphaned animals. I’ve got Clarice and Tobias the parrots ‘talking’ to each other to make ponies believe there’s a pair of ponies always on site, Ferdinand the Ferret handles the cash register since he’s very good with his paws and can easily shift the bits into the register and push any change under the security screen without exposing his true nature to the customers, and Harry the Bear moves the stock around and makes sure that shoplifters get the fright of their lives. I go in during the afternoons most days to make sure everything is working as intended and to give my staff some time to eat and nap until closing time, and every evening I escort the animals back home to my cottage, and I have signs up …”

“… Yeah, I remember 'em, Sugarcube, ‘no words, just cash’. Just hand the goods over or fill out a form for what you’re after, and the pony on the other side of the wall will put in the order for you.” Sighing, Applejack flopped a fore-leg over Fluttershy’s shoulders, stopping the elegant Pegasus’s babbling and pulled her in for a hug, the delicate mare freezing for a moment before leaning into Applejack’s side. “Damn, but sounds like y’all got a sweet deal going on. Ain’t nopony gonna risk tryin’ to see who’se on the other side o’ that wall if’n they’ll get exposed too, y’all don’t have to pay no wages to animals, an’ ah’d like to see the sucker dumb ‘nough to try an’ rob from a store that’s got a bear for on-site security.”

“I don’t make that much of a profit during most of the year, not really, but in the lead up to spring, and estrus? I make enough to live on for most of the year if I’m frugal with it. And with Twilight investing the bits we get for saving the world every so often? I’ve got a nice little bit of money saved away, and I’m considering having a bigger house built to accommodate all the animals so I can … can have some privacy.”

“Heh, ah can imagine havin’ all those house-guests can … put a … cramp …” Applejack’s voice failed her as she remembered how Fluttershy’s cottage was covered, floor to wall to ceiling, with bird-houses, rat-nests and pet beds.

All of whom had inhabitants. Long-term inhabitants.

All of whom probably watched her rut both Zecora and Fluttershy into the ground, literally, before dragging them up the stairs to Fluttershy’s room to do a victory lap of sexual conquest on her quite-willing-but-exhausted ‘victims’.

“Uh … jus’ how many o’ yer critters saw us …”

“Uhm … all of them? The hamsters said there should have been more hair-pulling and peeing, but otherwise they admire your form?” Still leaning into Applejack, Fluttershy tittered and snuck a wing around Applejack’s flanks as the farm-mare began to wilt. “And, uhm, please don’t tell Big Mac? I kind of want to broach the subject … carefully. I don’t want him to think I’m desperate.”

It took a few moments for Applejack’s brain to kick back into gear, stuck as it was imagining a line of rodents hold up score-cards as Applejack pounded their mistress’s soft, inviting backside into submission, but unfortunately it skipped a few steps and went straight to blunt, rather than polite.

“Ahm thinkin’ he ain’t gonna forget his sister screwed both Zecora an’ yah durin’ a night o’ mad passion.”

“Oh, I’m fine with Big Mac thinking I’m lewd. More than fine, actually. But I don’t want him thinking I’m just some mare that will lift my tail for the nearest stallion, you know? I have needs, but I also have standards.”

Applejack’s mind threatened to unbalance again as she imagined trying to live under the same roof as Big Mac and Fluttershy, who had revealed herself to be quite the adventurous mare in the aftermath of the damn aphrodisiac incident, and very nearly went blank as the stoic farm-mare imagined trying to explain to Applebloom what all the noises, smells and unmentionable devices that would become part and parcel of the house should the two ponies get married … and that brought back memories that right now her sister and the rest of the Crusaders were probably sheath-deep in each other and dancing with becoming teenage mothers, without Cutie Marks even!

“Ah’m … ah got nothin’. So long as Applebloom don’t get tangled up in this, ah’m fine with it.” The farm-mare sighed as Fluttershy giggled again, her wing sliding up to rest around Applejack’s shoulders. “Bad ‘nuff that this stupid perm-afro-dyke stuff is happenin’, an’ the Crusaders are slippin’ each other some sorta magic pickle. Faust knows ah’m sweatin’ bullets over ‘Bloom an’ her friends bein’ dumb, horny young idjits … but ah don’t think mah heart could take it if’n the girls ended up single mothers at their age.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry too much. I looked over the recipe and ingredients for Trixie’s morning tea, and it’s a very effective brew based on what I know about herb-lore. And while the aphrodisiacs might make them go into a false estrus, the odds of them successfully conceiving at their age, and out of season, is relatively low.” Fluttershy whispered as the train rounded a bend, and the Pegasus was tipped slightly against Applejack’s shoulder. “Although I don’t know enough about Weeaboo’s Curse to say if that might tip the odds against the girls or not. It seems more like a fetish-y thing than a mass-reproduction mechanism.”

“Uh, Twi’ was sayin’ that the Unicorn who made it was so weird that the rest o’ his people locked ‘im up on an island an’ made him stay there fer centuries. Or maybe it was bein’ locked up on that island that made him weird an’ made him make that spell in the first place. To be honest, ah wasn’t payin’ that much attention ‘bout who made the spell as ah was tryin’ to figure out how to reverse it.”

“Oh … that’s kind of sad either way. But no, I’m talking about having estrogen and testosterone in the same body, specifically concentrated in such large quantities and in such close proximity to each other. That would take … some significant alterations to the body to allow two opposing sets of reproductive organs to be working together, at the same time, and not make the host either sterile or unable to, ah, perform with either set.” Fluttershy coughed and pushed herself away from Applejack with a wing, lifting one hoof to her chin and rubbing at it in thought.

“That’s a lotta big words ah never learned, Sugarcube. An’ quite frankly, ah don’t give a hoot ‘bout what it all means, so long as the girls can go back to normal, an’ the cure won’t do ‘em any harm.”

“Well, I’ve never heard of the Neighponese having any long-term health issues different from the rest of the equine family …”

Applejack turned and gave Fluttershy a dirty look, to which the other mare squeaked and pulled her fce back behind her mane.

“Am ah really the only one o’ our lil’ circle o’ friends who didn’t know nuthin’ ‘bout a whole culture o’ Ponies havin’ a third gender?”

“I don’t think Rainbow knew before this happened. And … I don’t want to think about what Pinkie knows about that sort of thing.” Fluttershy managed to squeak back in her defence, shuddering slightly as she mentioned ‘Pinkie’. “I tried to explain what it was I sold one day when she snuck into the store, and why I had to keep what I do a secret. I don’t think she fully understood, but there was a … look in her eyes that scared me.”

“Look as in she was angry, or look as in …”

“As in she was very interested in what I had for sale. A few hours later, a pink pony with a trenchcoat and a set of Groucho Marx glasses came in and bought one of everything. Everything. Even the display stands.”

Applejack blanched and shuddered herself. There were just some things one did not want to know the answers to.

“So, uh … how come y’all had, uh, them things at home? Ah mean, them things that ah used on Zecora an’ yah.” Desperately changing the conversation away from whatever deviancy Pinkie had gotten herself involved in, Applejack did her best to ignore the fact that a very warm, very soft mare whom she had very fresh memories of have some extreme physical intimiacy with was leaning up against her, and Applejack still had the aphrodisiac racing through her system. “W-what’s up with that?”

“Well … a mare has needs, you know that.”

“Fluttershy, half the things I saw stickin’ outta Zecora had two ends.”

“Yes, well, Zecora and I … had a conversation about our lack of partners in the winter after that trouble with the townsponies avoiding her and the Poison Joke incident, and we decided to, uhm, help each other through estrus since we didn’t have a stallion around, and it sort of became a regular thing …”

“… Does that mean Big Mac’s gonna be endin’ up with two wives? Ah ain’t ‘gainst it, both y’all are sweet mares an’ hard workers, but ah … boy’s got work to do on the farm, an’ from what lil’ ah can remember o’ that night, both o’ yah are kinda demandin’ in the bedroom. Big Mac not able to buck our trees ‘cause y’both knackered him e’ry night is kinda gonna send Sweet Apple Acres broke!”

“Married …” The butter-coloured Pegasus squeed, dancing daintily in-place, which was an experience for Applejack since Fluttershy hadn’t removed her wing from around Applejack’s shoulders, and the farm-mare got to experience the feeling of Fluttershy’s soft coat rubbing up and against her own. “Oh, oh we’ll have to date for at least a year first, but marrrrrriiiiiied to Big Mac!”

Phew, at last we’re headin’ back into saner topics o’ conversation. Thank you, sweet, merciful Faust, for this reprieve from the weirdness.

“But we’re going to need to, uhm, make sure Big Mac’s okay with my job. I mean, he’s a regular customer, so I know what he likes, but …”

Sweet Apple Cider, no, please …

“… but did you know Big Mac buys a lot of lube? Pear-flavoured lube?”

Faust, I take it all back, you’re a sadist!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twilight wished, for the hundredth time, that she’d listened to Luna and ordered the Royal Guards to stand watch outside the cabin. She’d felt terrible that the Thestrals and the lone Earth Pony, Stoic Bulwark, would have to stand for the entire trip and instead insisted that they be allowed to come inside in shifts to rest their legs.

Except now Twilight found herself squished into Bulwark’s side, which was delightfully solid and warm, although Twilight herself wasn’t entirely sure if her appreciation for the furry mountain of muscle she was resting against was her own natural inclination or the side-effects of her Sympathy with Luna and their shared estrus messing with her head. The glares from the Thestral Guards towards Bulwark certainly didn’t bode well for the inter-tribal relations within the Royal Guard either.

The reason for said squishing was Luna, who was doing her best to push her rump into Twilight’s, and thus pushing Twilight firmly against the loyal Bulwark, who was in turn doing his best to not make eye-contact with anypony and to restrain the goofy grin on his face with minimal success.

Luna’s reason for said booty-pushing Twilight into some firm muscles happened to be trying to keep Twilight as far as the confines of the cabin would allow for a raging argument between Moonbeam, Rainbow Dash and herself over who the best villain in the Daring Do fandom, and while at the conversation had started out as polite if overly enthusiastic, the whole thing had gone downhill rapidly when Moonbeam had mentioned she preferred the radio-drama version of Ahuizotal’s voice to the novel’s depiction, and then Rainbow and Luna had both spoken up, saying that they believed that a different character sounded more attractive in the radio-drama.

Rainbow had said Dr Caballeron, while Luna had said Gregory Hawkins. At the same time.

An ankward moment later, and all three mares were yelling angryily at each other “Are you crazy!” while flailing at one another with their fore-hooves, and Twilight had found herself in her current predicament.

“So, uhm, Twilight, about the plan …” Rarity called from the other side of the cabin, dodging as best she could in her cast as pillows began to be fly around the cabin as the flailing, squabbling fans of Daring Do reached a new high of irritation with each other. “We will be finding some flying chariots at the depo station, correct? Do we know if they will make it there in time?”

“They’d better, or there’s going to be a whole new slew of hard questions for Princess Celestia. Luna and I both put our royal seals on the order, so if they don’t show up, somepony’s going to have a hell of a time explaining why they didn’t follow up an order by two Princesses of Equestria marked as ‘vitally urgent’.” Twilight explained, grunting as Luna shoved back and smushed Twilight into Bulwark’s shoulder. “Luna, please, the cabin isn’t that big and I’m squashing poor Bulwark here!”

“Oh, I’m fine, you majesty.” The poor, loyal Guard replied, goofily smiling down at her. “Are you sure you’re okay though?”

“A little squished but I’m okay, although I think I smudged your breastplate with some of my makeup.”

Rarity raised an eyebrow, looked pointedly at Luna, who was laughing at the top of her lungs and currently being battered with cushions by Moonbeam and Rainbow, whom being down a foreleg had settled for grabbing a corner of a cushion in her mouth and using it as a bludgeon that way, and then back at Twilight, and then to Bulwark, her eyebrow arching so high Twilight thought it was about to disappear into her mane.

“Uh-huh, I see. Well, far be it from me to speak out of turn, but what if we are left hanging, darling? I can’t exactly see us being able to do anything if we become stranded at this depo, we’ve little means of communication other than sending a thestral as a messenger or trying to flag down a passing train.” The fashionista sighed and fidgeted in her cast, shooting a meaningful look at Moonbeam, who remained oblivious to her ward’s concerns as she started pushing back against Rainbow’s head with her own, the two reduced to inarticulate grunting as Luna struggled to pull a pair of cushions off her horn with her hooves. “We’ll be awfully exposed out there …”

“I asked Spike for a few vials of his fire before we left. We might not be able to receive information, with Spike being left at home to watch over the Crusaders, but at the very least we can send notes to Princess Celestia should we be left hanging.” Twilight explained, shifting awkwardly as tried to find a more comfortable position and failed to do more than grind herself up against Bulwark’s side and Luna’s rear end, neither of which did wonders for keeping her mind in a rational state. “Oh bother, I might just go for a walk and clear my head … Luna! Rainbow Dash! You stop doing that to Moonbeam right now!”

“I thought pillowfights only happened during sleep-overs?” Pinkie said loudly from the far side of the cabin, letting a distressed Kindness hide behind the baker’s pink, fluffy tail, while Honesty and Loyalty floated above their ponified counterpart, hovering protectively while looping back and forth in the air between the fan-fight and Kindness.

“I think we’ve gone well beyond pillow fighting …” Twilight grunted as Luna managed to pry the pillows off her horn, levitated them into the air and then proceeded to bludgeon Moonbeam and Rainbow into the cushioned seats. “Girls, seriously, quit it, this carriage barely has room for six ponies to sit comfortably, and we’ve got eight ponies in here, Rarity’s stuck in her cast an-pwfwaaaagh!”

A stray cushion caught Twilight in the face, and for several moment the squabbling fans continued their rant before a sensation of static electricity crawling over their coats caused every equine in the carriage to stop what they were doing and turn to face Twilight, whose horn-tip, poking out through the cushion, was glowing a deep purple-red while the cushion was beginning to smoulder where it touched her horn.

“RIGHT. No more of that.” The voice, while muffled under the cushion, came out with a steely tone that made Luna, Moonbeam and Rainbow go pale under their coats. “We’re going to sit, we’re going to be quiet, we’re not going to do anything that will make me teleport three of our number into the middle of Canterlot without their coats, yes?”

“But sitting quietly is boring!” Pinkie whined, ignoring the sudden, frantic looks being shot her way and the desperate ‘shush’ gestures.

“So long as I am not being bludgeoned with pillows, having Luna smush me into poor Stoic here with her backside or having to deal with ponies having a raucous argument inside a very small space that I share with them, I don’t really care what you do for the …” Twilight stopped, looked at the clock on the wall and squinted. “ … for the next thirty-four minutes and eighteen seconds till we arrive at the depo.”

“… How do you know we’ll arrive in exactly thirty-four minutes and eighteen seconds?” Luna managed to pipe up after a few second of awkward silence filled the carriage.

“I was panicking about being late for this meeting with the Mother of Stones, so I went down to train station and asked for the average times of travel along the lines going to and from Ponyville from the stationmaster. He was very happy to comply since he takes great pride in his job and wanted to prove he kept accurate records, and I was able to calculate the average travel-time we’d be looking at for our trip, including wind-resistance and the performance of the standard steam locomotive on a regulation-approved rail-network.”

“And you calculated down to the second.” Luna asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I may have been recalculating our destination time since we got onto the train and needed something to distract myself from my nerves with. We’re actually ahead of my original estimate by a good twelve minutes and forty-nine seconds.”

“Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnerd.” Rainbow muttered under her breath.

“Without your coat means no mane, tail or feathers either, Rainbow.” Twilight grated, one eye-lid beginning to twitch erratically.

“NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!” Rainbow said, louder, smirking as Twilight turned to give her an annoyed look, before her smug expression melted into one of alarm as Twilight’s horn began to glow with a spiky aura.

"You know what? I have a better solution than teleporting your coat off." The purple princess said evilly as Rainbow was surrounded in a shifting cloak of purple and red energy. "And best of all, it'll teach you a lesson about mocking nerds with access to vast personal wellsprings of magical energy."