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The following is a work of parody, and is protected as Fair Use under section 17 U.S. Code § 107 of US Copyright Law. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and all affiliated characters are property of Hasbro Inc.

I own nothing. All characters, settings and other belong to their respective owners. This is purely a fan-work with no intent towards profit, slander or harm towards the characters, settings or other, or their respective owners. If the respective owners feel that this fan-work in any way, shape or form threatens or besmirches their property, please let me know so that it be can be removed asap.

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CHAPTER 68

Rainbow picked up a shred of Wonderbolt uniform and frowned, half of her wondering what to do with the tatters of cloth, the other half wondering how much a true Wonderbolt’s fan would pay for a piece of cloth that had been intimate with Spitfire’s backside.

“Mother of bucking …” The former owner of said garment cursed from the shower, making Rainbow flinch, then yelp herself as her broken foreleg bumped into a compressed-cloud vanity and flared with pain. “Rainbow? Dammit, rookie, you got any ointment? Your pink friend left teeth-marks when she was ripping my suit off me.”

“I live near the Everfree Forest, I’ve got three first-aid kits, a dozen flare-guns and a stash of all-purpose anti-venom.” Rainbow quipped back, blinking tears out of her eyes as she rubbed at the cast in frustration. “I’ve still got some of Zecora’s salves … uh, are you allergic to onions or parsley, that's the active ingredients in the salves?”

“That’s the zebra shaman, right? And no, not allergic to either of those, but now that you mention it, I am hungry.” Spitfire popped her head around the shower curtain and gave Rainbow a stern look. “And that’s all you’re getting from the zebra, right? No other, ah, herbal remedies?”

“Well, I get muscle ointment, stuff to put through my coat to make it shiny, some other stuff to keep my feathers oiled while I’m flying in the rain …”

“No, rookie, I mean you’re not getting any drugs? No locoweed, no ‘special’ oats?”

“Buck no! I want to join the Wonderbolts and there’s no way that’d happen if I tested positive for anything stronger than birth-control medication! Flames of Tartarus, half of that stuff would probably make me fly slower, if anything!”

“Good. Hate to say it, rookie, but as good as our latest crop of flyers were, we’ll probably have to let more than half of them go if they don’t shape up before the next mustering.” The golden-yellow mare stepped out of Rainbow Dash’s shower, her fur, mane and tail slickly clinging to her athletic frame in a way that made Rainbow’s wings twitch with the urge to unfurl. “Lots of would-be rookies think that if they go for an au-naturale pick-me-up or booster, somehow the drug-squad can’t detect it. And needless to say, a Pony who can pull off a Rainboom at will? Well, rookie, let’s just say you had a lot of nerdy ponies demanding a jar of your piss because they were determined nopony could pull that off without a decade straight of the strongest booster drugs known to equines, and they were determined they were going to prove you were cheating, even if they had to resort to taste-testing.”

Rainbow made a ‘bleaugh’ face at that, to which Spitfire gave a low-pitched laugh. “Don’t let it get to you. Once you make it to the Wonderbolts, weekly urine tests and monthly blood-works are just part of your regular medical routine. Part and parcel of the job, sadly, but we have to prove we’re clean as a whistle or the merchandising and advertising just falls away like leaves in the autumn.”

“Still, kinda gross I had some random stallions going over my pee.” The rainbow-mained pegasus grunted, still disgusted out by the thought.

“You can be grossed out later, I’m ravenous right now. Please, tell me we have something else to eat that isn’t instant food or protein powder?”

“Uh, I wasn’t expecting company, so no, it’s all instant food. We could probably fly down to Ponyville, grab a meal at the Cakes’ bakery and do some proper shopping. If you’re up to it? I mean, getting Pinkie’d is an experience, after all.” Throwing a fluffy towel to Spitfire, Rainbow backed out of the laundry and left it, and the adjoining bathroom, to Spitfire and her wet mane and tail. Stupid sexy Spitfire, but there’s no way I’m going after that. I’m still half-dead below the waist, she’s not here for a hook-up and I am not giving up on Twilight while there’s still a chance I can steal her back from Luna!

“You want me to go back and get molested by that pink demon again?” Spitfire called back, incredulous, from the bathroom.

“No no, the Cakes are good Ponies, and Pinkie tones her shenanigans down when she’s working for them. And considering Pinkie was looking greener than Granny Smith after our little pity-party, I doubt she’ll be working the counter today.” The injured trainee babbled back, slightly horrified at the thought that Spitfire was under the impression that Pinkie was like this all the time.

“And aren’t they directly involved in the incident where you, Applejack, the big slice of yummy that is Applejack’s brother and three underage ponies were all drugged with aphrodisiacs?”

“By accident! And … I kinda wanna go check on them. Yeah, they bucked up, and yeah, I still wanna smack ‘em for what they did, but they’re good Ponies, and this has got to be eating them alive.” Rainbow sighed and looked at her cast. There’s no other way to say this. “And I kinda wanna see if they’ve got any of Rarity’s favourite eclairs. I need to go see her prissiness and make sure she’s doing okay.”

“…Fair enough. Let’s grab a meal, go visit the ex-Bearer and then get some real food stuffed into your pantry.” Spitfire said after a few seconds of silence. “And after we get me settled in here … we start working on the Princess to find my little filly, understand.”

“Ah, yeah, of course Captain, but Twilight’s kinda being hogged by Princess Luna right now. You might have a fight on your hooves.”

“Rookie, I am not going to go in hooves flailing to get what I want. All I am going to do is drop a big old folder of information I’ve gotten over the past decade or so when I lulled the Windstorms into thinking I was dutiful little girl who’d do whatever they said without question, and then I am going to sit back and let her High Brainy-ness tear through the pile until she narrows down the options to the point I can take over again.”

Rainbow stopped and bit her bottom lip in thought. It was true that, if you gave Twilight a puzzle with the right amount of emotional attachment to it, she’d pour all of nerd-powers into the task until it was solved or she hit a mental wall that required group-hug-therapy to knock down. Yet at the same point …

“But didn’t you say that your Aunt had tricked you into signing custody over to her?”

“Yeah, I did. Flurry Windstorm, one of the most evil vultures to ever foul the skies of Cloudsdale and the current head of the Windstorm family. She’s got her hooves in so many dirty pockets I’m surprised the clouds don’t get filthy when she walks on them, and that’s part of the reason I was asked by the Royal Agents to help them bring her down.” Spitfire stopped and gave Rainbow a grin that was all teeth and no mirth, and made Rainbow’s mane want to stand on end from the sheer malice that radiated from it. “That I might get revenge for what she, and the rest of my family, did to me when I was the Crusaders’ age, is just a second bite of the cherry as far as I’m concerned. If we can take down the Windstorms, we'll rip the flank off the Hurricane family, raw and bleeding, and that’ll expose all the dirty laundry that they spend so much bits and break so many wings to keep quiet.”

“Kinda glad Fluttershy got outta there when she did. Kind glad I spent most of my time at Flight-Camp, now that I think about it.” Rainbow muttered as the two pegasus prepared themselves for the glide down to Ponyville, Rainbow in particular taking special care that her house’s windows and doors were locked and warded against intrusion. It wouldn’t stop a determined pegasus from burrowing through the cloud-matter to get inside, but it would stop the casual burglar … or paparazzi snoop.

“You went to Celestia’s Throne-sponsored Flight-Camp, so you were pretty much safe. If you had gone to a Hurricane-sponsored Flight-Camp, with your natural talent and unique colouration, you’d pretty much have been a shoe-in to any one of the ‘private’ groups. You’d be a star athlete … and probably the favoured ‘doll’ of whatever Hurricane scumbag who saw you first.”

“ ‘Doll?’ ”

“It’s the nickname for the unlucky ones who draw the attention of a Hurricane. At best, you’re the best friend of whoever takes you under their wing, but it’s the world’s most lop-sided friendship.” Spitfire explained as the two slowly glided down to Ponyville, the yellow-coated sport-star’s eyes narrowing as several pegasus began to pop out of the clouds or the trees, to follow the two of them. “At worst? Some of the dolls end up spending their lives as just that, dolls, sitting around and being pretty, living adornaments for their patron. It’s awful, but unfortunately, the Royal Guard doesn’t have much traction in Cloudsdale due to the fact the Hurricanes have, by ancient tradition, hoof-picked the police-force for the city. The Ponies in the Cloudsdale Guard do their fair share of guard-duty, but when it comes to the Hurricanes, and those who have the favour of the Hurricanes? The Guards all turn blind, deaf and mute because if they don’t, odds are they’ll lose their jobs at best or their families become next victims at worst.”

“What happened to me was, as awful as it sounds, just another day in Cloudsdale. The Hurricanes have to be stopped, they’re just as bad as the Shadow Court in Canterlot, but since Celestia isn’t looming over their shoulders every second of the day, they’re more open with the shit they pull and can get away with a lot than the Shadow Court can, too.”

Rainbow took a while to digest that thought, thinking of her parents back in Cloudsdale, their little cloud cottage in the back-end of a cul-de-sac on the outskirts of the city. Rainbow hadn’t seen anything like what Spitfire was talking about as a filly, but certain things kept cropping up in her memories.

Bow Hothoof and Windy Whistles whispering to each other in soft voices as they threw away the sponsorship from the Hurricane Academy and started counting up how to raise the bits for a Crown-run Flight-School. The way her parents had always made sure she went to Flight-Camps sponsored by the Princess and made her come straight home to practice her flying in the wild clouds where Cloudsdale’s waste was stored before being transferred to a land-based site. How, despite the fact that both of them were well-paid and respected Cloud Technicians, they chose to live so far from the center of the city, in such a poor neighbourhood, and kept to a small circle of friends who likewise lived on the outskirts of town.

Holy buck. Rainbow thought to herself as she put the pieces together with the information Spitfire had given her. Her parents had exiled themselves to the farthest corners of Cloudsdale, where their training could land them a job, and socked away all their money for Rainbow’s use. She’d not thought anything about it other than frustration that she couldn’t get a new sport’s bag, or the way her mother had always made Rainbow dress in second-hand or non-branded sports-wear. Always making Rainbow look … fat, or slow, or like I came from a poor family. She was making sure I never stood out.She was making sure I wasn’t a target. Mom … Rainbow’s heart clenched as she thought about how many years it had been since she’d even spoked to her parents. She’d moved down to Ponyville to take up the position a friend of her father’s … Holy buck, dad, did you arrange this for me to protect me? ... had arranged with the Ponyville City Council, taken the stash of bits they’d sent her to set up a cloud-house and never looked back at her overly-clingy parents.

And now, with what Spitfire was talking about, it all made so much sense.

It was only when Spitfire jostled Rainbow that the blue pegasus realized they were just a few blocks from the Cake’s shop.

“Seriously, Rookie, what the buck, you’ve been all silent and grim since we left the house. You dreading dealing with your friend that much?” Spitfire’s orange eyes pierced Rainbow, leaving her unable to blink or look away.

“N-no, just what you were saying, I just … just kinda put it together with some stuff from when I was younger, and how my parents, who are the clingiest ponies you can imagine, all but pushed me to Ponyville, which is on the other side of the country, when I started looking for a job after dropping out of school.” Rainbow sighed and rubbed at her head with her unbroken leg as the two pegasus began their descent towards the Cake’s cake-shop. “I think after we get this sorted, I’ve gotta head back up to Cloudsdale and give them a big hug … and try to get them to move down to Ponyville with me.”

“Just make a visit first, Rookie, and then see if they’re willing to move out. Make too big of a fuss, especially with how famous you are, and you can bet your last bit the Hurricanes will take notice of them. If the Hurricanes think you’re vulernable through your parents, they’ll jump on the chance to get a clawhold on the famous Bearer of Loyalty. Faust knows the Royal Agents have had to run themselves ragged protecting your families from everything from con-artists and kooky cults to other nations’ agnets ever since you purified Princess Luna.” Spitfire cautioned as the two pegasus landed and trotted to the entrance of the shop, Spitfire holding the door open for Rainbow, who hobbled in on three limbs. “So this is the famous Sugarcube Corner, huh? Kinda glad we didn’t bring Soarin, we’d be here all day while he sticks his muzzle into every pie they’ve got.”

“Welcome to the Sugarcube Corner, how can we … oh! R-rainbow, and miss Spitfire, uh, h-how can I be of service.” Carrot Cake’s demeanor as he saw the two pegasus walk into his shop changed from bright, bubbly and welcoming to something akin to a pony looking at the headstallion’s chopping block, though thankfully the shop was deserted but for some Royal Guards and Night Guards all sitting huddled at a table with milk-shakes and the remains of what looked like the mother of all cake-binge sessions.

“Just … just checking that you guys are okay, Carrot. Hell of a thing to go through.” Rainbow said, equally nervously and shuffed up to the counter on three limbs. “Uh, would it be alright for us to order a meal, or are we … not welcome? I’d understand, things got real tense back at Twilight’s.”

“What? No! No, of course you’re welcome, all of you, even Rarity … especially Rarity. Poor Cupcake is falling to pieces over what happened, and blames herself that miss Rarity is now, well, no longer part of your exclusive club, shall we say?” Carrot Cake sighed and rubbed at the back of his head with a lanky hoof, giving a wary eye to the knot of Royal and Thestral Guards who were still locked together in some sort of belligerently friendly jock meeting at the furthest table from the serving area. “We’re still not entirely sure what we can do to make up for our part in all of this. I want to just stay out of everypony’s way and keep my head down until we can figure out a way to really make up for this, but Cupcake insists we have to step back into the fray and do something, but she can’t commit to what we’ll be doing beyond the measures that the Princesses levied on us.”

“Oh Faust … Uh, tell Cupcake that it’s not her fault, not really. Twilight thinks that Generosity has been working against Rarity for some time, so when this … stupidity … with Rarity’s pride, that damn cake and my, well, my dumb attack on Rarity to get her back for what happened to the Crusaders all happened at once… it just blew up in all our faces in the worst possible way.” Rainbow muttered, reaching out with a wing to pat the lanky Earth Pony’s shoulder across the counter.

Sighing so heavily that Rainbow was surprised the gangly Stallions’ torso didn’t collapse from a lack of internal pressure, Carrot Cake gave a short, swift nod, then his face smoothed back into it’s usual smiling countenance, but she could see the bags under his eyes, the redness in them from crying and a dozen other small signs of distress. “Well then, let’s get you and miss Spitfire something to eat then. What’ll it be, Rainbow?”

A short deliberation, and an even shorter protest from Carrot Cake that they didn’t have to pay before Rainbow and Spitfire both pointed out that not only was that not what was agreed to by the Princesses’ arbitration, but they weren’t going to allow Carrot Cake to blackmail himself on their behalf, and the two pegasus had seated themselves as far from the knot of Guards as the confines of the bakery would allow to chow down on a massive pile of pastries.

“Seriously, rookie, how much are you worth?” Spitfire grumbled, her tone most certainly not matching the nearly-orgasmic expression on her face as the Wonderbolt Captain nommed her way through a white-chocolate éclair with custard, clotted cream and boysenberry jam. Her fourth one.

“Hmmm … gimme a sec …” Rainbow mumbled around a mouthful of honey-glazed crepe filled with slices of banana, trying to recall the exact numbers before drawing a blank. “Uh, think ‘bout half a million bits, not including my job and the endorsements. Twi’ got me an’ the girls together with her parents’ accountant, got us all involved in some safe, long-term stuff. We’re not hurting for bits, not if we live modestly. I could skip work for a couple of months, easy, if I had to.”

Spitfire gave Rainbow a glare that made the younger mare’s blood run cold.

“Rookie, being worth half a million is a lot more than ‘living modestly’. I’m a Captain of the Wonderbolts, and my annual income is a quarter of a million. And a good deal of that income comes from sponsorships and ad-placements. And I have to pay a premium for where I live in Cloudsdale, even with my family connections, let alone the money I have to spend on personal gear, trainers and health-care to ensure I stay in tip-top shape as the Captain. The average income of a single mare in Equestria is around ten thousand bits, at best.” Spitfire’s eyes narrowed to the point where Rainbow wasn’t sure if her captain had closed her eyes or was just focusing that anger-powered laser glare to a pin-point. “And you are worth half a million or more?”

“Well … we do kinda get rewarded whenever we have to whip out the Elements and save the world?” Rainbow protested, the sweet breakfast suddenly tasting sour on her tongue. “Speaking of which, Applejack finally caved in and accepted she does deserve her share of the reward, so she’ll probably be worth about the same as soon as her letter to Princess Celestia goes through? I know Rarity used her share to pay off her mortgage for her boutique, and Fluttershy doesn’t dip into her share unless she absolutely has to, like when the recent Hydra-spawn outbreak drove a lot of animals out of their homes, so she’s probably worth a bit more with the way that Twilight got our finances sorted.”

“Faust only knows what Pinkie spends hers on, but Twilight was prepared to argue us all into the ground to make sure we didn’t take the money as a lump-sum, but instead put it into fund-management schemes so we’d all get a steady supply of bits for the rest of our lives instead.” The blue pegasus finished as Spitfire just sighed and took another bite of pastry.

“Yeah, I can see her Braininess using that big ol’ forehead of hers in that way. Still, you get a reward for saving the world? It’s not just medals?” The other pegasus asked, putting down her pastry to take a sip of her hot coffee, double creamed no less, and Rainbow jumped on the opportunity to change the subject before her would-be Captain murdered her with a bagel in a fit of jealousy.

“Y-yeah. Because we’re not trained, or a part of Equestria’s military, Princess Celestia pays us a bounty for risking ‘life and limb’ for Equestria, and since the Elements can’t be …” Rainbow stopped and verbally tripped over her thoughts. “… aren’t supposed to leave their Bearer without something terrible happening, she couldn’t just yoink them and hoof them over to the military to use to defend the country. And Twilight explained that if the Elements or the Bearers did come under the direct control of the military, it’d look like we were weaponizing ancient magical relics, which would get all up in the face of some stuffy old treaties we have with the Minotaurs and the Diamond Dogs about using magical thingamabobs above a certain classification or something.”

“You’re talking about the Treaty of the Broken Crowns, the literal benchmark used for every modern-day treaty to prevent the nations of the world from obliterating the face of the planet through escalating magical warfare.” Rubbing a hoof across her nose to dislodge a dollop of cream, Spitfire gave Rainbow a searching look.

“Yeah, that thing.”

Spitfire narrowed her eyes again and glared at Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash gave her best ‘I am totally innocent and have done nothing wrong’ smile.

“Faust damn it, rookie, looks like I know what we’re doing in the six months between now and you moving up into the actual Wonderbolts team.” The yellow-coated Pegasus sighed and snatched up one of Rainbow’s cakes, a strawberry and custard ‘snailshell’-like pastry, and nibbled on it while keeping her laser-like glare focused on Rainbow.

“Uhm … extensive training and bugging Twilight about your, ah, personal mission?”

“Mostly that, but you just gave me a big red flag. We’re going over every major military treaty and protocol until you can recite it all in your sleep before I’ll even consider making you an official Wonderbolt.”

“Auuuuuugh.” Rainbow whimpered, sagging back against the cushioned seat. “Studying. My mortal enemy.”

“Look, Rook … Rainbow, I get it, you’re a do’er, not a think’er. You probably already know this stuff, judging from your scores back at the academy, but you’re both a potential Wonderbolt and a Bearer of the Element of Loyalty. That’s already treading perilously bloody close to a giant screaming violation of the treaties, and I can’t afford to have you causing a world war because you’re too busy obeying the Rule of Kool to think about how many stuffy little bureaucrats you’re shitting all over in the process.”

Rainbow blinked at Spitfire, several times, in rapid succession.

“A world war?”

“Get your noggin’ wrapped around it real quick, Rainbow. You’re are a Bearer. You’re going to be a Wonderbolt. Behind all the fame, the glamour and the bits is the hardest job you’re ever going to do, with more paperwork, red-tape, rules and politics than you ever thought possible.” Spitfire pointed out. “You have no idea how many resources have been spent deflecting attention from you and the rest of the Bearers, how many attempted kidnappings and assassinations we’ve foiled … Rainbow?”

Rainbow’s jaw appeared to have come unhinged on one side, and her pupils shrunk to pinpricks.

Spitfire took a deep breath, centering herself and trying to push down the nagging sense of worry that the Princess’s demands that the Bearers be completely insulated from all potential threats had come back to bite her hard in in the plot, and was about to explain when a large hoof tapped her on the shoulder.

“Pardon me, Captain Spitfire.” The owner of a hoof, a big, beefy Stallion in Royal Guard armor who looked like he ate steroids and shat action movie heroes rumbled at her, the entire knot of Royal and Thestral Guards piled behind him, looking profoundly nervous, which in turn made Spitfire nervous. “Could we, ah, could we speak to miss Rainbow Dash?”

“I ain’t stopping you.” Spitfire said in the calmest tone she could muster, eyeing the beefcake and his buddies warily.

The beefy Stallion blinked, flicking his eyes from Spitfire to Rainbow Dash and back again, sweating bullets in the process, before a Thestral poked him in the flank and hissed something too low-pitched for Spitfire to catch.

“R-right. Uh, Rainbo … miss Rainbow Dash?” The stallion stuttered as Rainbow finally seemed to snap out of her funk and gave her full attention to the Guards just in time for the bombshell to drop.

“Yeah? What?” Rainbow grunted unhelpfully. Okay, so gotta work on her diplomatic skills as well as her knowledge of military law.

“Do you know if Princess Twilight is seeing anypony?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, this is … awkward. Twilight ‘thought’ out loud in the ‘clearing’ in her mind, fashioned around pleasant memories of the weekly pet-picnics she and her friends had been having up until Twilight’s unwanted transformation from Unicorn into Finger-Puppet-For-Eldritch-Monstrosities had turned her life upside down … and Luna and Magic were quickly ruining those memories even faster than Twilight’s guilt and paranoia could have hoped to accomplish with their shenanigans, as the torn-up grass and knocked-over trees could attest.

Unhoof me, you fleshy …

Nay! It has been millennia since we last met, and I will have answers, Magic! Luna ‘shouted’ uncomfortably loud as her astral form grappled with the complex geometric shape that Magic had provided as a ‘physical’ representation of itself, the two of them rolling around the clearing in a tangle as the Princess of the Night vented most mightily on the Element. Did you know that I would fall to corruption? Did you sit back and watch it happen, after all we had been through together? Were you ordered to do nothing to save me from that nightmare? A thousand years, trapped in my own mind with that howling obscenity clawing at my very identity relentlessly, and I still do not know if you could have spared me that travesty!

I am not allowed to answer any of those question, and you know that! Let go of me, your actions are entirely unbefitting of an Immortal! Magic ‘yowled’, as that was the only word Twilight’s understandably stressed mind could use to describe the sheer outrage and dismay that radiated off the Element as giant form of Luna’s astral body all but wrapped itself around the geometric and decidedly inorganic form of Magic, the Element constantly reshaping itself into ever increasingly point-covered shapes as Luna batted it back and forth with her giant hooves or set it spinning with a powerful flick of her flowing mane or tail. Pillar, Twilight, please call off your rutting partner!

Marefriend. Twilight shot back, feeling oddly vindicated to see the dirty little voyeur that had been living in her head for all these years get some vigorous comeuppance.

Lover! Luna shouted at the same time, flattening the grass around her in the process and causing Magic to assume a nearly wafer-like appearance before it began folding up and out into something more akin to an eight-sided box made of interlocking square frames.

I do not care what term fleshies use to describe your pointless coupling! You are both female, you cannot reproduce with one another no matter how hard you two rub against one another, the act is a pointless waste of time and resources! Magic spluttered, struggling in vain against Luna’s assault. Dreamer! Did you come to be an emotional support for the Pillar or did you come to assault me?

BOTH! Luna roared, smushing Magic against the ‘floor’ and back into it’s ‘wafer’ form with the force of her words. In the thousand years since I last saw you, Magic, your indifference towards organic life appears to have soured into outright contempt, and that is a development I cannot ignore when I also think of what Generosity has done to Lady Rarity! Putting aside my own quarrel with you, your actions towards Twilight are nothing short of disturbing!

I … have to agree with Luna here, Magic. You’ve been in my head for years now, watching everything I do, possibly knowing everything I’ve thought. That’s a grotesque violation of my privacy at the very least!

It has not been a picnic for me either, Bearer! All of those disgustingly biological actions you do, all day, every day, your revolting mating urges during the spring months, the way yo-DREAMER, IF YOU DO NOT STOP THAT I WILL TELL MY MOTHER![/b]

Oh, please do, I can’t wait to watch the fire-works when the Mother of Stones hears all about the failure of Generosity and how her ‘favoured’ child turned out to be a dirty, bigoted voyeur.

To be classed as a voyeur, I would have had to have enjoyed what I have seen!

Oh stick a sock in it, old bean, you’re a dirty voyeur and you know it.

Luna’s giant head, and Twilight’s normal-sized one, both swivelled to stare at the new voice, a stocky-looking pony of middling age, wearing a rather familiar-looking Stetson hat, a pink shirt and washed-out blue pair of overalls, with a coal-grey mane and tail, and a cutie mark that looked something like an acorn surrounded by several different types of seed.

I know that voice … Honesty? Luna’s voice shifted from the angry tone she had been using to interrogate Magic to one of wonder and pain, and her luminous ever-flowing mane reached out, halting and pausing at turns, to touch the newcomer, as if to test that he was actually there.

In the astral essence, dear one. My siblings and I heard Magic’s squawking …

I DID NOT SQUAWK! Now stop that and get her off me, the Dreamer is a lot heavier in the Astral Plane than she looks!

… And since my Bearer is currently in the middle of an adorable little scenario involving her friends, her brother and a pair of charming stallions, I decided to pop over and see what all the high-pitched squealing was about and leave the other Elements to stand watch over our Bearers. The Stallion reached out to nuzzle Luna’s mane, and laughed, a warm, deep noise that immediately made Twilight think of her own father for a few moments as Luna’s mane wrapped around him and dragged him up against Luna’s giant neck in some sort of strange hug.

Magic reformed into an abstract crystalline object whose meaning escaped Twilight, but apparently meant something extraordinarily offensive given how Luna paled and Honesty guffawed again.

Cute, little brother, but we both know you don’t have the stones to make good on that threat.

DID YOU JUST GENDER ME?

Okay, ignoring the Drama Queen-

YOU DID IT AGAIN! IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION THIS TIME!

-Drama Queen, Princess Twilight, first of all it is a great pleasure to finally speak to you. On behalf of my siblings, the ones who don’t have gravel for brains at least, I apologise for the subterfuge. We have our orders, and I believe that our little Dreamer here has informed you of the broadest gist of why this is so?

The Powers? I’m … both very interested to meet them and give them a piece of my mind, and very concerned I might cause the apocalypse if I do so. Twilight replied, still feeling very off-center from the sudden appearance of another Element of Harmony in her head. At least this one was more pleasant than Magic and less destructive than Generosity seemed to be. Wait! If you’re here, what about Applejack? Plese, tell me you didn’t abandon her …

I would never abandon my sweet lil’ Jackie, don’t you fret about that. Unlike some stones, I don’t ditch my duty when it gets tough, and besides, I’d sooner turn to dust that walk out on the family. And don’t worry about upsetting the Powers, they’re very understanding … well, more like they’re more accommodating than you’d expect. You’d have to threaten to blow up a good chunk of creation, at least a galaxy or two, to make them actually upset with you. Honesty tipped his hat at Twilight and grinned, a broad, friendly smile that immediately made Twilight now think of Big Mac’s rare smile that could reduce a room of Mares to weak-kneed wrecks. You’ve been picked to be an Immortal, m’dear, and the Powers don’t make that choice lightly. You’d have to become the Arch-Fiend herself to make them think less of you.

The fact that Honesty refered to Applejack’s family as ‘the family’, and the very ‘agricultural’ theme of his appearance, made Twilight’s head itch in the way that only happened when she knew she was missing some sort of clue that would bring her research together, and it was right in-front of her, but the chaos of the situation stole any hope of putting it together away from her hooves.

At least the nagging worry that complaining about being picked for an endless duty without being asked first might cause the end of all things had been assuaged.

Okay, there’s a lot I need to ask, but first of all … do you know if whatever Generosity has done to Rarity can be fixed?

Ah. Honesty said, his smile fading into a tight grimace. As near as we’ve been able to tell, Generosity has been suppressing the young miss’s positive traits and enhancing her negative ones, the exact opposite of what it’s supposed to have been doing. And given that the two had a very strong resonance with one another, we’re afraid if we try to fix the damage, we’d simply make matters worse. And since we don’t know if Generosity has left any … supernatural … surprises in her mind, we’re even more afraid that diving into Rarity’s mind might trigger something worse than that nasty little episode she had.

All the other Elements can come up with is helping miss Rarity recover the mortal way, with therapy and the support of her friends, at least until our mother shows up. Honesty gave a small smirk as he looked down at Magic’s ever-changing form. Of course, somestone has to actually make sure she gets the call, doesn’t she?

Luna and Twilight turned their gaze to Magic, who had assumed the form of a Mobius strip that spun faster and faster as the two Alicorns looks turned from merely expectant to angry.

She’s deep in meditation! I can’t just disrupt her for one mortal, especially a mortal who isn’t important to the Plan anymore!

Translation for my lazy, voyeuristic brother: I can’t be arsed getting over my distaste for the ‘fleshies’ to go and wake up our mother, who is well over-due and should have been roused over a decade ago. Honesty smirked as Magic flailed into several different abstract forms as Luna and Twilight’s glares turned positively molten in their intensities. Incidentally, the Hope-Bringer’s agenda to save you, Dreamer, involved having the Mother of Stones on standby to help contain you if the Elements proved incapable of purifying you, so that the Hope-Bringer could evacuate the Bearers and then return to fight you herself. Needless to say, we were all very relieved to find the Bearers were more than up to the task … and very disturbed to find that the Mother of Stones hadn’t been woken on schedule, but given the way that the Elements work, we couldn’t directly send a message without diverting a great deal of the Elements’ power from the very necessary task at hoof.

Do not try to pin that on me, you ugly piece of gravel! She ignored every message I sent and refused to wake up. Magic shot back, radiating annoyance at it’s sibling as Luna and Twilight backed off slightly to keep their attention split between the two Elements.

Oh, and how many messages did you send? How hard did you actually try to wake the Mother of Stones? Honesty asked, and Magic merely tucked itself into a small cube the size of a sugar-cube, presumably sulking. Yes, I’ll just bet you did the bare minimum to satisfy the Hope-Bringer’s request and not an iota of power more, and no follow-ups, just like always. You, of all of us, know how deeply the Mother of Stones sleeps, and that nothing short of the full scope of your power could even hope to wake her.

She was nurturing our new siblings. We were destined to elevate the Pillar, regardless of what happened to the other Bearers, and the Dreamer would have been purified if the Hope-Bearer slew her corporeal form and the Dreamer’s spirit was drawn down to Tartarus, where the Nightmare Spirit would have been unable to follow! Magic snapped, developing serrations on the edges of it’s cube-like form. The Hope-Bearer’s pointless sentimentality could have risked a whole generation of our kind, several centuries of brooding of the Mother of Stones gone to waste!

Our new siblings are not nearly so vulnerable that a few years without an Elder overseeing their crystallization would do them harm, and there’s thousands of our siblings who could easily look after them for a century or two if the Mother of Stones needed to step out to aid our friends. Honesty’s pony-face turned into a foul scowl as it glared down at Magic. Between your bigotry and Generosity’s betrayal, I am surprised the Powers themselves haven’t made their displeasure known. Do you want to be unmade?

I would like to know why you were willing to risk my being trapped in Tartarus for years while I worked my way up through the levels to the entrance to the mortal realm, Magic, after all the long millennia we shared together as friends and partners! Luna snarled, her mane coiling threateningly above Magic’s cube-form, her expression one of fury incarnate as the serated edges of Magic’s cube-form became noticeably more pronounced. You gambled the lives of the Bearers, and the possibility that Celestia would mis-step, against the possibility I would over-power her and condemn our entire world to countless years of unnatural darkness? Millions would have died, entire ecosystems would have collapsed and with control over both the Sun and the Moon, I would have been unstoppable, even to the Parliament of Immortals!

And so? Have you forgotten what the Tree has done to our people? The countless lives lost to their roots, our kin slowly broken down from mighty rocks to mere sand by their relentless hunger for soil! Magic raged, swelling in size, the serrated edges of it’s cube-form beginning to grow into actual spikes. YOU BUILT YOUR DAMN CAPITAL IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOREST. Did you even think what that felt like for us? To be surrounded by our natural predators, to have our beloved Bearers adorning a castle of stone, metal and glass of incomparable beauty with fucking greenery?You might be Immortals, but you don’t give a damn about the Earth Elementals, only your precious fleshies, only their needs, never ours! I was given unlimited access to the fundamental forces of Creation itself, and then I end up surrounded by the mortal enemy of my very species and forced by that same power to just sit there like a good boulder and watch as those monstrous plants devoured my kin left and right!

That is enough! You know the Immortals are forbidden from interfering with the conflict between the Elementals! Our war with the Children of the Tree, and their war with the Children of the Eternal Flame, is not an issue they are permitted to be involved in. Honesty snapped, blurring forwards and kicking Magic out of range of Luna with a sound not unlike two heavy stones smashing together … which, Twilight’s mind distractedly realized, was probably what happened as Magic went spinning across the ‘field’ to dig a distressingly massive gouge through the earth before coming to rest. Celestia and Luna needed to make the Castle of the Two Princesses appealing to their mortal followers, and that necessitated parks and greenery. And they took special care to ensure that the Children were kept as separate from each other as physically possible. No Child of Stone was ever used as a building material, left in a garden or park nor broken by hoof or tool, no Child of Wood was ever chopped up as firewood, used as building materials or needlessly displaced from their home, none of the Children were ever put in harms way under their care, either from our eternal Wars or the machinations of Mortal sorcerers.

Speaking of which, the rest of the Elements decided to contact our Mother shortly after Generosity pulled it’s evil little stunt, and she’s on her way, Magic. As in, right now. Honesty sneered as Magic grew tendrils of crystal and pulled itself, now in the form of a rough geode of amethyst, out of the trench it had gouged into the earth. So I’d advise you to stow the sass, get back in the game and prepare to have chips knocked off you for the shit that has gone down under your command, such as it is.

Impossible, the Mother takes decades to wake up.

Not when somestone decides to throw all their power into the message, like you were supposed to. I’m surprised you didn’t hear about the earthquakes in Down Unda when she heard about how Generosity has subverted it’s purpose, and how you have been playing dumb with your orders.

Luna’s mane snuck out as Honesty and Magic sniped at each other, gathering Twilight and gently dragging the dumb-struck Mare to Luna’s side, an errant strand pushing Twilight’s jaw up as the Alicorn of Magic watched the squabbling in shock.

Are the Elements supposed to act like this? Twilight ‘whispered’ to Luna as Honesty and Magic began trading ever more vicious barbs.

Nay. I begin to think that Magic, as well as Generosity, might be rebelling against their purpose. Luna ‘whispered’ back, lowering her massive head to be right next to Twilight’s entrapped body. I remember Magic being far more friendly and witty than this, and that is including our little spat earlier. As you may remember, back before my corruption, I often spent the nights of my youth alone in a castle devoid of petitioners, who preferred to wait upon my sister, or prowled the borders alone, but for the presence of Kindness, Honesty and Magic within my mind, defending our peoples against raiders and monsters of both mundane and magical varieties.

So Magic has turned hellishly bitter after being left in the Everfree Forest for a thousand years?

That does not sound … right. The physical vessels you found in the Everfree are not the Elements only corporeal vessels, simply the ones that my sister and I used as focuses. We had seen the Elements of Harmony take on other physical forms while leaving the vessels we took from the Tree of Harmony, but perhaps … Luna was cut off as Magic tottered over to Honesty on long, crystalline tendrils, poking repeatedly at the ‘pony’ with sharp tendrils as their shouting match grew louder and louder. At the very least, Twilight, if the Mother of Stones has been woken up, this will be resolved very shortly. She’s very slow to move, but when she does, it is all but impossible to get the Mother of Stones to stop.

Terrific. So how badly are my friends and I going to get mangled by all this?

In all honesty, pardon the pun, I doubt our Mother will do anything that could cause any of you any more distress than you’re currently dealing with. Honesty whispered, and both Ponies flinched, looking from the small, acorn-sized cluster of raw ametrine floating between their heads to the ‘pony’ that was currently engaged in some bizarre slap-fight with the betentacled form of Magic. Apologies for the deception, but I want a chance to talk with you two privately without Magic throwing a wrench into things. And yes, Princess Luna was correct that we were not bound to the Elements per-say, but we weren’t able to use the energies the Powers granted us without imbuing our spirits into those vessels.

I suspected, but … I did not wish to pry, and I remember Generosity being very upset about the nature of the Element it occupied, the fact that it was merely a coloured stone orb. Luna whispered back, shooting a nervous glance at the two figures fighting and slowly drifting away from her and Twilight, before leaning down to nuzzle the floating gemstone. And it is so very good to see you again, old friend. I missed you.

And I you, my dear little filly. Thankfully, once the Pillar, ah, sorry, Twilight Sparkle, ascends, our long duty will be over and I will be freed to go as I please. Would you object if I … remained in Ponyville? I have some family obligations to take care of. Humming softly, the gemstone rubbed left and right against Luna’s muzzle, a gesture of affection Twilight assumed, before it pulled away to remain hovering between the two Ponies.

I cannot see why not, and I know Celestia will be deliriously happy to hear you’re remaining close by. You’ll probably have to fend her off with a stick when she realizes you and the other Elementals are freed from the Elements and can be your own beings again.

We’ll have to make it a party. I can’t wait to see Celestia dancing like a klutz again, but sadly, we have business to attend to first. Twilight, I must apologise that this is all happening. Generosity will be punished severely, and I assure you Magic is going to get a healthy heaping of humility in … oh dear me, tomorrow. The gem-cluster froze and began wobbling in a most erratic fashion. Oh horseapples, uh, Luna, can you possibly arrange for all the dear little ponies who have been carrying us to get to Canterlot before tomorrow morning? The Mother of Stones is coming faster than I anticipated and she just informed me that she wants everything involved, Elements and Ponies alike, in the one place.

But Rarity is still injured. Twilight protested, flinching as loud banging noises erupted between the pony-body of Honesty and whatever geometric tentacle beast Magic was morphing into, their slap-fight turning vicious. And I am not sure the others can just up and abandon their duties.

Twilight, if the Mother of Stones is coming, we have to go. She’s very old and will be take offence if she’s roused like this and we don’t make the effort to help her. Besides, apart from Applejack’s farm and Fluttershy’s animals, both of whom other can deal with for at least one day, nopony is really dealing with anything truly requiring their attendance. My Thestrals and the Royal Guards can assist Big Mac with Sweet Apple Acres, and making sure the Crusaders tend to Fluttershy’s animals should solve two issues at once. Luna said, her face splitting into a devious smile at her own words. Tending to the bunnies should tired them out enough to stop them from mating like bunnies.

Eww ewww ewwwwww, I do not want to think about that, bleh. Twilight protested, but giggled herself. But what do we do about Magic and Generosity? They’re both in my head right now, and Magic is causing a number of concerns for me right now, with how it can read my mind and just disappear from my senses at a whim.

It can what? Hold that thought for just a moment. Honesty replied, floating over to touch itself to Twilight’s horn, and there was an ear-splitting shriek of dismay from Magic, and a sense of sudden aloneness that rushed through Twilight’s being, as a spark of rainbow magic surged between the gemcluster and Twilight’s horn. I had thought there was something odd about your connection to Magic. Looks like Generosity wasn’t the only one playing fast and loose with their Bearer.

Before their eyes, Magic came flailing towards them, sharp tentacles digging into the earth to propel the rapidly-changing geometric ‘core’ of the Element towards the Ponies, but with each passing second, the Element shrank drastically in size, before falling to the ground and rolling to a stop just short of Luna’s giant-sized hooves, a single, perfectly octrahedronal crystal of amethyst the size of a apricot that buzzed and vibrated like an angry hive of bees on the grass.

I can’t actually remove Magic or Generosity, I only have the backing of three other Elements, but since both Generosity has openly defied the Powers, and Magic is perilously close to doing so, their connection to the Powers has significantly weakened. My barrier should keep them sealed up and away from your mind for at least a few days, and that will be more than long enough for the Mother of Stones to safely remove them and sort this all out. Honesty sighed, hovering down and away until it floated just over Magic, which seemed to be trying to roll towards Twilight, but was unable to gain any traction with it’s perfectly smooth facets. Now, I would suggest we get a move on and rally the other Bearers. The sooner we can get this all sorted, the safe you all will be.

Hooooh boy, once more, into the breech. Twilight said dryly as the world around them began to twist and dissolve, Luna’s astral plane slowly bleeding away into the real world.

If it is any consolation, none of you did anything wrong, this is all Generosity and Magic’s fault. Honesty said, his voice slowly losing strength as the dreamworld faded away. Oh, and if you could please bring some lamingtons? The Mother of Stones adores them …

Blinking slowly and feeling oddly refreshed despite the strange sense of isolation flowing through her, Twilight lifted her head and found herself staring into Trixie’s own eyes, the blue unicorn wearing a maid’s outfit that the newest Alicorn was certain served mostly for fetish and had little useful function.

“Aaa-aaah, Mistress Twilight, are you alright? You and Princess Luna have been unconscious for a good five hours!”

“That long?” Twilight grunted, quickly casting a spell on herself to check for foreign magic … as much to see what it was that Honesty had done as to make sure that Trixie hadn’t pulled a fast one while both Princesses were unconscious.

“Time moves differently in the Astral Plane. A few hours can pass like a minute, or the reverse can happen. I suspect that Magic may have been abusing it’s connection to the fundamental forces to stretch out the time we spent in the Astral Plane for some gambit of it’s own. We may own Honesty a far larger debt than we realize.” Stretching and yawning, Luna unfolded her wing from Twilight’s back and stood up with several loud cracking noises, while Twilight breathed a sigh of relief as her detection spell came back clean. Not becoming a succuponi today, at least.

After a short discussion with Spike and the Crusaders about what was happening, which warranted much cheering from the Crusaders about becoming Cutiemark Crusader Petsitters, and a shorter talk with Trixie about personal space when Ponies were sleeping which involved much blushing from both parties involved, the two Princesses paused at the doorway, peering out the small glass window where the street seemed deserted of reporters for the moment.

“So … I fly to east side of town and inform Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy of what is happening, and you will go to the west side, and speak to Pinkie Pie and Rarity?” Luna said, eying the trash-cans and trees nervously. Canterlot paparazzi could almost boast Pinkie-levels of hiding in plain site, after all.

“And then I’ve got to head over to the school-house to inform Cherilee that the Crusaders won’t be coming back to school for a few more weeks, at least. I’ll need to arrange a lesson-plan to make sure they don’t slip behind on their grades, and I need to talk to Cherilee about … a couple of things.” Twilight sighed heavily and leaned against Luna for a few seconds. “I want to help Spike out, so I’m going to see if I can arrange to tutor Snips and Snails to bring their grades up, so all three of them can spend more time together, and I need to … apologise … for missing all those signals she was sending.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me around? You are not experienced in these matters, after all.” Luna asked softly, her voice rich with concern.

“I do, but I also have to learn to do this on my own, and Cherilee is also a very mature and thoughtful pony. I doubt she’ll do anything like what the Spa Twins pulled, and I can’t very well keep avoiding her if we’re going to do the right thing by the Crusaders, and Spike for that matter.” Nuzzling the side of Luna’s neck, Twilight took a deep, shuddering breath and put a hoof on the door-knob. “Okay, so, go and hope Rarity is willing to be civil to the rest of our friends on a five-hour train-ride to Canterlot and not turn into a raging drama-llama while in a city full of opportunistic vultures, deal with a Mare who tried to seduce me with an afterschool teacher-student play, arrange for all my friends to go meet some all-powerful Elemental mother and deal with two out of six Elements who have gone rogue and are currently trapped in my noggin. Just another day in Ponyville …”

Twilight opened the door and triggered her invisibility spell, dashing over the grass and leaping the fence as hordes of reporters came screaming out from behind trees, dumpster and alleyways with their cameras flashing and recorders rolling, while Luna blinked, smiled and took to the skies, drawing many of the reporters with her since Twilight had vanished from sight, and Spike merely shook his head, chuckled and shut the door before a reporter decided to risk their equipment and charge into the library.

“Admit it, Twi.” Spike muttered as the door latched shut. “You wouldn’t trade this for the world.”