Author's Notes:

The Usual Disclaimer:

The following is a work of parody, and is protected as Fair Use under section 17 U.S. Code § 107 of US Copyright Law. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and all affiliated characters are property of Hasbro Inc.

I own nothing. All characters, settings and other belong to their respective owners. This is purely a fan-work with no intent towards profit, slander or harm towards the characters, settings or other, or their respective owners. If the respective owners feel that this fan-work in any way, shape or form threatens or besmirches their property, please let me know so that it be can be removed asap.

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First of all, I'd like to apologise to all the subscribers and readers for the obscene amount of time it's taken to push this out. There's been several re-writes of this chapter because of the age of the characters involved.

So, first off, while the Cutiemark Crusaders are technically younger Ponies, under Equestrian Law they are not in 'trouble' for any sexual escapades they may indulge in with each other.

Anyone else, and Chris Hoovesen is gonna get involved.

Secondly, it's not my intention to paint any one character in this series as a monster for the sake of being a monster. Bad choices are made for the right reason, and good choices are made with bad consequences, but it is not my intent to demonize any character for the sake of creating drama or friction within the story.

CHAPTER 42

Rainbow Dash wasn’t the sort of Mare to be shy about her passions.

The Wonderbolts. Fresh Apple family apple-cider. Daring Do books. Being awesome. Practicing and perfecting her aerial stunts. Sex in general.

So when she found herself with a mouthful of her own hoof, desperately try to not cry out as Big Mac slowly pulled out of her again, it felt a little bizarre to her. She’d been living on her own for so long that the thought of being quiet for the sake of others was almost a foreign concept until a few minutes into their first round, Big Mac had begged her to keep it down for the sake of Granny Smith, whose bedroom was right below the bathroom.

And where in bucking Tartarus is Applejack? Rainbow thought dimly, eyes bulging and a half-muffled groan escaping past her hoof as the burly Stallion ontop of her slowly, agonizingly slowly, sheathed himself inside her again, his own moan partially muffled by the mouthful of her mane he tugged on with every thrust, sending a thrill down the Pegasus’s spine in addition to the wonderful feeling of fullness and the electric tingle in her loins. Is she getting off on watching her brother plow me like a damn field?

Not that Big Mac was bad at ‘plowing’, as Rainbow’s weak knees and tingling body could attest. Not only was he prodigiously endowed, the Stallion knew how to work everything he had, and most of what Rainbow had if she was being truly honest with herself, for maximum effect. They could have been doing this for minutes, or hours, she’d lost track of time and had given up on counting her own orgasms at this point! She’d expected a frenzied rutting, but here was Big Mac, treating her like she was a virgin, and Faust as her witness, Rainbow Dash was loving every second, and inch, of it!

Aphrodisiacs in the cake be damned, if she’d known Big Mac could be like this in the sack, she’d have jumped his bones years ago, regardless of if Fluttershy had a crush on him or not!

The only thing that could have made this better would have been Applejack below her, the farm-pony licking and nuzzling away at Rainbow’s nethers while the Pegasus muffled her cries in the crotch of the orange farm-pony. Yet somehow, despite the show, her friend remained painfully absent.

What the buck? Applejack, where are you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that, Zecora. I hope they didn’t offend you?” Fluttershy said quietly, flipping a new set of hot rocks onto the thick towels on the Zebra’s back, the currently homeless Shaman groaning appreciatively as the heat loosened up the bruises and tight muscles the disasterous day had delivered to her.

“As happy as I am to share the ways of my people, I fear the next time the Crusaders ask, I’ll ask them in turn to go jump over a steeple! Their rhyming was atrocious, their potions a peril, their fascination with pictures on their butts most un’corte'il!” The Shaman muttered softly, stretching out and savouring the pleasure of somepony else tending to her for a change.

“Errr … ‘unicateril’? I’m sorry, is that even a word?” The Pegasi offered after an awkward moment of silence.

“A word it is, but its meaning is vile, my apologies, Fluttershy, for speaking so crude.” Zecora explained, giving the ever-shy Pony a small smile. “This one often slips into her mother’s tongue when she wishes to be rude!”

“Oh, I don’t mind, really … I’m not as delicate as people assume, I just … don’t like confrontations.” Fluttershy giggled, using the tips of her flight-feathers to tickle down the Zebra’s flanks, making the battered shaman squirm and beg for mercy. “You know what I do for a living, after all … and thank you for not telling anyone, while we’re on the subject.”

“As I told Rarity, not from Equestria is this Mare, the silly hang ups your ponies have I do not share.”

“Well, I’m just glad the girls didn’t get into the, uh, root-cellar. I really don’t want to explain why I’m storing all those things under my roo-“

BANG BANG BANG BANG!

Fluttershy squeaked in alarm at the sudden pounding on her front door, and following her usual reaction, tried to drop down and hide.

Except she was massaging a very sore and tired Zebra, who had hot rocks and warm towels on her back, neither of which were prepared to a Pegasi dropping down ontop of them, nor was Fluttershy prepared for the hot rocks to press into her fur and burn her.

“Aiiieeeee!”

“Gah, my ribs! Fluttershy, what gives?”

“FLUTTERSHY? IS ZECORAAAAAH! IS ZECORA THERE? AH NEED HER HELP!” A familiar voice, Applejack’s, roared from the other side of the door, followed by more heavy pounding that the startled Pegasi was convinced was going to shake her cottage down around her ears.

Squeaking in alarm at both the light burns and the sudden shock, Fluttershy froze up, rolling off Zecora and coming to rest on her back on the floor, limbs clutched to her torso and eyes tightly clenched shut. Zecora groaned, awkward getting to her hooves and letting the hot rocks and towels slip off her back and onto the couch, and limped towards the door, opening it just in time to nearly get pounded in the head by one of Applejack’s hooves.

“Applejack, dearest friend, why are you at your wit’s end?” The Zebra said loudly, glaring at the orange-coated Farm-pony, who was prancing from side to side, tail lashing in the air, eyes all but rolling in their sockets. “And why are you lathered like you’ve just run a race? Is Granny Smith okay, have the Crusaders played with mace?”

“N-n-need yuh help, Zecora! Aphrooooohidisac, hidden in the cake, ah’m burnin’ up, need a cure.” The Farm-pony shuddered and stuttered, and the Zebra took a step back as she finally caught the scent of another Mare very much in need. “Puh-please, ah’m losin’ mah mind, ca-ca-can’t go back, mah brother’s also got it in him, can’t let him plow me, plleeeeeease he-help!”

“My house is in ruins, my potions all out of power, I fear the best I can offer is a very cold shower.” The Zebra explained, taking another step backwards as Applejack’s jittering became far more pronounced.

“Dea-deal!” The Farm-pony shouted, shoving past Zecora and rushing towards the small bathroom at the back of the cottage, leaping over the still-paralyzed Fluttershy in the process.

“A strange story this will be, and the particulars I will find out.” Zecora muttered, limping back to Fluttershy to try to shake the shy Pegasi out of her ‘frozen’ state, wincing as her hoof landed with a loud splorch in a wet patch on the living-room rug that hadn’t been there a minute ago. “And new floor-coverings we need, because I don’t think that will wash out.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Canterlot always was beautiful at night.” Dappled Light and Twilight Glimmer both did a double-take at the wistful tone the Changeling Queen used as the train trundled down the lines, heading towards the center of the rail-system that connected most of Equestria via the steam-locomotive. “Especially in the winter, when the air is cool and clear, and you could see the stars clearly …”

“Errmmm … but wasn’t Princess Mi Amore Cadenza’s wedding in the summer?” Twilight Glimmer asked after several moments of sharing startled looks with Dappled, who was holding an ice-pack to each ear after a long day of them being ravaged by three teething foals and a strangely vengeful Scout, who had fallen asleep a short while ago and was now leaning and drooling against the window “Do you mean you and your Hive were in Canterlot for months?”.

“Under normal circumstances I would not answer that question, but given that I must throw myself and my Hive at your hooves for mercy, I suppose personal pride and the secrets of my kind must come second to all other considerations.” The Queen sighed heavily, tugging the thick woollen blanket tighter around her body and the three foals between her legs, nestled against her milk-heavy breasts in blissfully quiet slumber. “The so-called ‘invasion’ was an improvisation, put into play with only a few days of planning when I realized that Celestia would be distracted by playing the doting matriarch at the wedding, and thus vulnerable enough that I could risk attacking her openly, rather than keeping up the pretense of being ‘Princess Cadence’ and working my way through her defences over several more months.”

“My Hive and I had spent the better part of six decades hiding amongst the Ponies of Equestria before that day, and I am ashamed to admit that it took us a good three years to re-infiltrate Canterlot without letting your Royal Guards or the various Noble Families become aware of our actions, but being able to feed on the ambient love the citizens felt towards their Princess, as well as the countless multitudes in which my Drones and Soldiers could hide amongst, was the only reason so many of my children could gather together without risk of starvation.”

Twilight Glimmer performed a slow blink, mind whirling as she tried to fathom how the Royal Guards of Canterlot, the so-called Elite of the Elite, could have possibly missed such a large gathering of individuals just randomly appearing despite the exhaustive cenus records at their command, let alone the living space necessary to hold five thousand individuals in a cramped city like Canterlot!

“I was actually aiming to subdue Celestia, you see, knock her unconscious, put her in a cocoon, tap into all that raw power and learn how she moved the sun and moon and become the strongest force on the continent, strong enough to make even the Elder Queens balk at attempting to march across the Badlands to besiege us. Taking the delectable Shining Armor as my own consort and imprisoning the other two Princesses was just happy circumstances, at least for my Hive and I. We had come to Canterlot when my kind first made our escape across the Badlands, hoping to strike an alliance of some sort, but all I found was an Immortal with absolute power and the capacity to hold the entire world to ransom hamstringing herself to appear ‘fair’ and ‘just’ to a pack of spoiled fools who allegiance fell no further than pointless material wealth or spiteful feuding.” The Changeling Queen explained, her large green eyes drifting back to the illuminated spires of Canterlot with a wistful expression on her face.

“Back when my kind first managed to sneak across your border, which I will admit was criminally easy back then, I must admit, it took us perhaps six or seven years to understand the absurdities of your society, even with the benefits of placing Ponies into cocoons to read their minds. All the while, I was trying to figure out if I should reveal myself and my Hive to your beloved Princess and try to make an alliance given that most of those we cocooned believed she was literally the incarnation of compassion, tolerance and second chances, or if I should risk personal combat against a God and attempt to replace her myself, or perhaps even if it would be safest if I risked uproot the few children who survived our trek across the Badlands and try to flee across the ocean.” Chrysalis continued, a sour expression appearing on her face. “In the end, I decided to keep my Hive small and mobile to avoid any future exposures and moved around Equestria for a few decades after a group of Ponies belonging to some sort of secret cult uncovered our original Hive in Canterlot and threatened to expose us to the Ponies of the city as horrible Pony-devouring monstrosities if we didn’t help them overthrow Princess Celestia.”

“Five thousand Changelings is what you consider small and mobile?” Dappled squeaked, eyes going wide in surprise.

“Wait, you’re saying somepony discovered your Hive and tried to blackmail you into helping them unseat Princess Celestia from the Solar Throne?” Twilight Glimmer spluttered, at once enraged at the revelation and horrified that somewhere, somehow, somepony has discovered the Changelings and not told anyone for the past sixty years. And worst of all, these were citizens of Celestia’s own seat of power who were plotting against the Pony who could move the sun around at will.

“No, Dappled, I consider five thousand Changelings a tiny amount. My Hive once boasted fifty thousand members, back before the … our mother found fault with us and ordered the complete extermination of my kind. And yes, Glimmer, hence yet another reason for my desperately low opinion of your species. The very concept of striving against your Queen, I’m sorry, your term is ‘Princess’ isn’t it, is so alien, so offensive to my kind that it took all my willpower to stop my Drones and Soldiers from tearing the foolish Ponies apart on the spot. A potential rival and threat to our existence Princess Celestia might have been, but the very concept of a Hive’s members turning on each other for personal gain is as close to blasphemy as my kind gets.” The Changeling Queen’s expression turned harsh and bitter as her eyes narrowed and glared at Canterlot, perched on the mountainside like a sleeping Dragon. “Had I known she would throttle her power to avoid killing all those wastes of oxygen in the room when we duelled at the Princess of the Endless Buffet’s wedding, I would have taken her place decades ago and put the heads of those Ponies on pikes atop the walls of Canterlot to remind Ponies that unlike your weak-willed, squeamish Sun-Goddess, I do not tolerate traitors and selfish fools.”

“Well that’s charming.” Dappled grunted, shooting the withered Changeling Queen a dirty look. “Leaving aside the whole ‘severed heads on the battlements’ part, you are claiming you’d fry your own Changelings, your own family, if it secured you victory?”

“All Changelings, from the meekest Drone up to a Queen such as myself, are connected through the Hive Mind. Had I a need to expend such power, they would known to run, or failing that, be prepared to sacrifice themselves for the good of the Hive. We are not like you Ponies, you selfish, individualstic creatures who are constantly working against each other for personal gain and satisfaction, for meaningless concepts such as ‘money’ and ‘social status’. For my kind, every action is taken for the good of the Hive, for the preservation of the family because what affects one of us affects us all.” The battered Queen retorted, giving the Border-Guard a dirty look of her own. “The loss of a Changeling is a terrible blow to the Hive, but their memories live on within the Hive-Mind, and new Changelings will be born with access to those memories, being shaped and nurtured by them. Especially strong-willed Changelings are capable of sustaining their consciousness, their sense of self, within the Hive-Mind and may eventually possess a new form if a Queen can produce and mature a hatchling in time.”

“And the fact that there’s only one Queen per Hive means your own existence is too important to be lost, so the rest of the Changelings put their lives on the line to protect yours. How … lucky for you.” Glimmer muttered darkly, shooting a look of pity towards the sleeping, drooling Scout.

“Luck has nothing to do with it, Captain Glimmer. Under normal circumstances, Changelings of all castes naturally avoid outright combat as we were never designed to be frontline combatants like our Elder kin, but experience has taught the Hive to try to keep multiple stockpiles of royal jelly nearby the Hive’s lairs to induce the change from Drone to Queen should the current Queen fall in battle or to misadventure, if that’s what you’re implying. I am no less willing to lay down my life for the Hive than any other Changeling, but I would prefer to be there to raise and nurture the new Queen and see her grown and prepared to form her own Hive, rather than leave her to flounder alone in enemy territory and thus risk the absolute destruction of what little remains of our species.” Chrysalis shot back before coughing into her hoof and shifting awkwardly in her seat. “With any luck, the stash of Royal Jelly I produced before the whole wedding debacle may still be in Canterlot, and I can use them to induce the change in my two little princesses here …”

Glimmer’s mind skipped a gear, missing the conversation for several seconds as she replayed the Queen’s comment in her mind.

We were never designed to be frontline combatants … we were never designed to be … does she mean there was a breeding program? Are these ‘Elder Queens’ that Chrysalis is so terrified of that she’d throw herself at Equestria’s mercy of a different breed, like the difference between a Draft Horse and a Courser, or is it something more pronounced?

The officer’s mind whirled with the implications, and her stomach twisted at the thought of a nation or group of powerful mages out somewhere beyond Equestria who possessed both the magic and the drive to create an entirely new species as complex as the Changelings as well as hostile intentions towards her people. She thanked Celestia that the Magi of the Fourth Circle that had come to ‘escort’ the Changelings would likely have listening- and recording-spells running through-out the carriage as part of their basic security measures, given the way that previous interactions between Ponies and Changelings had gone, but still the Border Guard resolved to memorize as much of the conversation as she could in-case of a mishap.

At least the Queen is giving us information freely, even if she is a raging bitch. Glimmer sighed mentally, tuning back into the conversation and noting that Dappled was looking flustered, and Queen Chrysalis had an extremely predatory smirk on her face. I appear to have missed something vital here … “Guard Dappled, anything you’d like to tell me?”

“I … uhm well, that is to say, it’s something I’d rather not share.”

“Oh, are you saying that my little Scout is the only one you wish to ‘share’ with?”

“I SAID NOTHING OF … nothing of the sort!” Dappled’s voice dropped from hysterical to nearly a whisper as one of the foals under Chrysalis’s blankets squirmed and gave a small cry. “It was an accident, a accident, I wouldn’t … I didn’t mean to, that is to say I’m not adverse to such things but it was an accident and I’m sorry aaaaand you’re going to milk this for all it’s worth, aren’t you, your majesty?”

“I could get Scout to milk it for you?” Chrysalis said, chortling like a mad ferret as Guard Dappled groaned and placed his hooves over his face, blushing brilliant crimson.

“Riiiiiiight. Well, whatever, somepony will pry it out of you during debriefing, Dappled, but for now I recommend we make ourselves comfortable as we can. It’s going to be a long night and I don’t think any of us are going to be allowed to sleep until Captain Rosebush is satisfied.” The pink Unicorn muttered darkly, giving the sheepish-looking empath at her side a withering look. “Speaking of which, Queen Chrysalis, if you would kindly take my advice and not get on the Captain’s bad side, she is … was … a big fan of Captain Shining Armor and was understandably miffed when …”

“When Princess Cadence snatched him up for boring sex?” Chrysalis interjected, chuckling as Twilight Glimmer choked and spluttered and Dappled’s eyes almost popped out of his skull. “What, I’m being serious here, when I first assumed her form we had only had the Princess of the Endless Buffet in a cocoon for a few hours, only long enough to pry open a few surface memories. I had assumed the supposed physical incarnation of love would have been an absolute freak between the sheets. Imagine my surprise when I proceeded to screw Shining’s brains out and learned that the kinkiest thing Cadence ever did for Shining outside of the missionary position was a wingjob, and a sad, pitiful attempt at that judging from his reaction when I gave him a Las Pegasus ‘Pole-Rider’.”

“Oh, oh sweet Faust I need to leave the room …” Dappled muttered, starting to sweat heavily as he tried to get up, only for a bump in the rails to flop the comatose Scout away from her drooling perch at the window and face-first into his lap.

“Y-you … what, no, I didn’t mean that at all, listen you …” The pink Unicorn stammered, pointing a hoof at the Changeling Queen and doing her best to ignore Dappled’s strained whispers of ‘This cannot be happening!’ from next to her. “I mean, Rosebush came up through the ranks thanks to Shining Armor’s training and influence, she looks up to him and respects him greatly, and she might hold a personal grudge for what you and your Changelings did at his wedding …”

“Considering how much stamina that Stallon can boast, I’m not surprised his little pocket-private was miffed he was getting a ball and chain. Believe me, I definitely amended a few points of our plan after I realized just what kind of armaments the Royal Captain was equiped with.”

“…WHAT? No, no, I mean she greatly respects and admires her former Captain, she wasn’t his lover!”

“Oh, so she’s a Filly Fooler, that’s fine …”

“NO! I mean she respected Shining Armor, as one soldier to another, and you kidnapped his fiancée, placed him under mind-control and invaded the city he was sworn to protect!” Almost glowing pink from frustration and embarrassment, slapping a hoof down onto the seat next to her for emphasis and scowling as the Changeling Queen stuck a hoof to her mouth to muffle her chortling. “You knew damn well what I meant, didn’t you?”

“Naturally.” The Queen smirked, and Glimmer opened her mouth to fire off a retort when Dappled yelped, shooting out of his seat and pushing Scout away in the same motion, before scooting for the doorway on three legs, the fourth held to his crotch. “Oh dear …”

“My Queen?” Scout mumbled from an awkward position on the floor, her tail and hind-legs jutting up into the air. “Why am I upside down?”

“Oh, you fell into Dappled’s lap and were nuzzling his sheath.” The Queen replied bluntly, to which Scout simply replied with a soft ‘Oh.’, and Glimmer put both hooves to her face, confident that her blush would have been a beacon visible from nearing Canterlot. “Why don’t you go see if he’s okay, my child? I think you may have nipped him in your … oh, so you were dreaming about …”

“Yes.” Scout replied in monotone, turning her head to look at Glimmer, as did Chrysalis, although the Changeling Queen’s muzzle had returned to the triumphant smirk she had worn shortly before.

“Well, go then, Scout. I’m sure our dear Captain Glimmer will be more than happy to keep me company. Perhaps she’d even like to hold one of my offspring?” Chrysalis offered, shifting a hoof under her blanket and removing one of the black female twins, who gave a sleepy yawn and hugged the limb.

Mind befuddled by the new information, as well as the image of Scout nipping Dappled on the sheath, Glimmer mechanically accepted the small black Changeling and thus was unable to protest as Scout left, the frazzled Guard having to deal with a sleepy foal that fussed and whined softly at leaving her mother but soon latched onto Glimmer’s limb, snuggling into the Unicorn’s fur and drifting off into sleep, one hind-leg twitching as the day-glow pink Unicorn levitated a blanket out from under her seat and wrapped herself and the slumbering Changeling … foal in the thick woollen blanket.

It’s so soft. Glimmer thought in wonder, trailing a hoof over the small Changeling’s belly, which made the tiny filly whicker softly in her sleep. So like a normal foal, but the Changelings have carpaces. Is that something they develop as they grow older? But I distinctly remember Peach Seed reporting that Queen Chrysalis claimed she only laid eggs, and they hatched into miniature Changelings … yet these are Foals. If not for their horn and manes, I’d swear they were normal Ponies.

Glimmer shot a sneaky look towards the Changeling Queen, who had turned her head to look out the window towards the gleaming capital of Equestria, that same wistful smile that éseemed so out-of-place on the face of one of the Ponies worst enemies.

So if they’re not normal Changelings, and they are Chrysalis’s offspring … then what are they?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You two ‘bout done over there?” Applebloom sighed, blushing heavily as the delighted squeaks and squelching noises from the other side of the club-house began to reach a level of volume that the young Farm-pony was sure could be heard from Ponyville. “Sweetie Belle’s the only one that can cast spells, an’ this here scroll could have our Cutie Ma-”

“Cummin’! I’m cummin’!”

“Sweetie! Oh Faust, Sweetie, don’t stop!”

“Ah guess not …” The young Farm-pony groaned, forcing herself to pull a hoof away from between her hind legs as Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo ground against each other eagerly, clinging to one another as they rode out their pleasure to the last drop.

Speakin’ of drops, gonna be heck on Equuis to get the stains outta these floor-boards. Applebloom thought glumly as she took a look at the puddle the two Ponies had left on the floor, and the dark stains her own making had left beneath her as the young Farm-pony tried to keep herself ‘occupied’ as Sweetie and Scoots had enthusiastically entertained each other.

First it had been her and Scootaloo, then Sweetie and Scootaloo, then herself and Sweetie, and now Scootaloo and Sweetie were at it again. It wasn’t like Applebloom didn’t like her friends, but she wasn’t sure if she liked-liked them, or if it was just the itchy, craving feeling that was plaguing them all that was making them les-brians or whatever fancy-schmancy word the grown-ups used to talk about Mares who diddled other Mares.

Wait, is Applejack gonna be ma … nah, Ah caught her with Rainbow Dash in the barn that one time. But will Rarity be okay with this? An’ Scoot’s parents? Uhm … buck. The young farm-pony sighed and turned back to the unrolled scroll on the wooden table in-front of her, eyes narrowing as she tried to make sense of it.

It wasn’t as if she couldn’t read the words, or understand their meanings, but some of the spells described in the scroll seemed plain weird or just stupid. Why would anypony want their hair to form spikes? Who could have possibly thought that waving a magical wand around could make a pony into a ‘magical moon filly’? And was this ‘Spear Maiden’ spell that Twilight’s translation kept on going off on tangents about ‘urges’ a combat spell or not

“I don’t think I can walk … Scoots, drag me over to the scroll, please?”

“I wanna call you a lightweight, but yeah, ow, more than a bit sore myself.”

Rolling her eyes at the antics of her friends, Applebloom tottered over to help the white Unicorn up, blushing heavily as she separated the two panting young Mares with a loud squelch and helped Scootaloo drag the apparently-boneless Unicorn over to the scroll in question.

“Ah’ve been lookin’ over this thing, an’ most of the spells don’t seem that useful, but this one …” Applebloom began, tapping a hoof on the segment, possibly the longest one on the scroll, that held the details of the ‘Spear Maiden’ spell. “This one might be the one we need.”

“What do we need spears for? We tried to join the Royal Guard, and Twilight says we’re on their ‘watch list’ now …”

“Wait, so they’re counting down the days till we’re legally old enough to join?” Scootaloo asked, eyes lighting up.

“Ah think Sweetie Belle means the other kind o’ watch list, Scoots.” Applebloom tried to bring her friend down to earth, metaphorically speaking, before turning back to the doubting Unicorn. “An’ nah, Ah think this spell will help us be warriors. Sure is complicated, an’ let’s be honest here girls, we get into a lotta scrapes. Might be nice to have some magical fightin’ hoo-hah to fall back on next time we get jumped by a Cragodile or Cockatrice in the Everfree Forest.”

“I don’t know...” Sweetie Belle muttered, eying the spell with narrowed eyes. “Some of these formulas seem a little odd to me. I think this one would make us grow something? It seems to be some sort of transformation spell, but this is way above anything I’ve ever seen, or what Twilight has taught me.”

“Even your sis?” Scootaloo asked nervously, small wings fluttering as the orange Pegasus apparently found it difficult to meet the eyes of her fellow Crusaders.

“Rarity developed the gem-detection spell, but that has more to do with her Cutie Mark than any real skill with magic. It’s part of the reason why Twilight is tutoring us all, or was before she became a Princess. Twilight’s the only real magic expert in town, and Cherilee is an Earth Pony, so she doesn’t know really anything about Unicorn magic …” The small white Unicorn muttered, shooting Applebloom an apologetic look.

“Ain’t no problem, Sweetie. Cherilee’s a good teacher an’ a great mare, but some things only one o’ your own Tribe can teach, ah guess.”

Applebloom found herself dealing with Scootaloo as Sweetie Belle tried to make sense of the spell-scroll, the farm-pony trying to keep the pegasus’s hooves to herself as Scootaloo apparently suffered another bout of itchy-craving sensations and tried to drag both of her friends away from the scroll for more ‘fun’.

“Can’t yah hold it in for like, five minutes?” Applebloom snorted as she struggled with the smaller Pegasus, enjoying the feel of Scoot’s body pressing against her as much as the wrestling itself. Something within her really liked being on-top, something to do with the itchy-craving feeling.

“Nooooooooo.” The orange Pegasus whined, wiggling on her belly underneath Applebloom, her small, stunted wings flapping madly and slapping against the farm-pony’s barrel. “I need something in my cooter, ‘Bloom! Rubbin’ and lickin’ only does so much! I’m itching like mad!”

“Well the only thing that’d fit in you would be Sweetie’s horn, and she’s busy right now!” Applebloom snorted, looking around the room for something suitable and shuddering as she came up with precious few options. Apart from the hand-broom and a table-leg that had gotten snapped off a few weeks ago and never thrown out, there really wasn’t much else the Crusaders could use …

“And my horn is not a dildo, thank you!” The Unicorn sniffed in an insulted fashion at the very thought of it. “Besides, I think I can cast this spell. I will need utter silence … that means you stay quiet, Scootaloo! Silence, and the Spell-Scroll, and I need us all to hold still.”

“You sure?” Scootaloo asked at the same time as Applebloom said “Tha’s amazin’, Sweetie!”

“Well, yes, it’s going to be difficult, but the spell is supposed to be mostly self-sustaining once I get it started. I just need to draw out enough magic to power the first part of the spell, make sure I follow the instructions and we should all become spear-maidens.” The unicorn explained, squiting at the scroll, and then her friends. “But you’ll both need to remain still for about … two minutes, maybe three tops. This spell is really, really complex, I can’t afford to mess it up!”

Applebloom craned her neck and head to glare down at Scootaloo, whose wings buzzed nervously and gave an apologetic grin to the other two.

“It was just the one time!” She protested as her two friends looked at each other knowingly, then gave her another dirty look. “Let it go already, it was weeks ago!”

“You tackled Steven when we were trying to be Cutiemark Crusader Dragon Researchers, and startled him so badly his tail flattened our tent and all our supplies! We’re just lucky he’s friendly and was happy to help us get back to town! You need to learn to sit still without having Applebloom or I to sit on you!” Sweetie Belle muttered, her horn glowing softly as the young Unicorn began pulling mana out of the air and the ground to augment her own reserves, face screwed up into a mask of concentration. “So practice while I try to gather enough magic to cast the spell!”

“And how long will that take?” The orange Pegasus asked, earning a positively filthy look from the Unicorn.

“Ten minutes or so …”

“Great! Hey, Applebloom! Let me turn over, I’ve got a good idea what we can get done in ten minutes!”

“You’re damn incorrigible.” The farm-pony muttered, but complied, the eager Pegasus under her providing a welcome balm to the itchy, craving sensations and a momentary distraction to Applebloom’s concerns for tomorrow morning…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Well, that was an entirely inappropriate use of a speaker system.” Twilight muttered darkly as she and Luna shared some hot chocolate in the kitchen, the thunderous chorus of snoring from the upper levels of the library a welcome reprieve to what they had seen in the astral realm, and the dreams of Ponyville’s inhabitants.

The deranged, sexually deviated, flat-out weird inhabitants. Twilight found herself wondering if it would be inappropriate to move back to Canterlot for a few months to try and wait out whatever surge of strangeness was gripping her adoptive home.

Walking out of the bedroom to find Trixie had ‘sprouted’ in the slumbering hooves of the Royal Guards who had ‘glomped’ her and was frotting away with one of the sleeping Stallions would be an image that would take weeks of therapy to erase from her mind, of that Twilight was certain.

“That pony really does love her, eh, wubs I believe they are called?” Chortling, Luna levitated a pair of marshmallows into her hot drink and nudged Twilight with a wing. “Believe me, Twilight, what you have seen tonight was nothing compared to some of what I have witnessed when returning to my duties after a thousand years on the moon. My first dream-walking after my purification, with my sister by my side to make sure I would not be possessed by a Nightmare again, we drifted into the dream of a certain Royal Guard Captain …”

“Oh dear sweet Faust no …”

“Don’t be a party-pooper! Shining Armor looked absolutely adorable in that wedding dress!” The blue alicorn chortled, a far-away look in her eyes. “I admit to being very intimidated by your brother when we first met after I had been purified, but seeing him being carried through a hideously pink doorway into an equally frilly room by an incredibly burly Princess Cadence helped ease my fears about him.”

Twilight’s response was a loud groan, before face-planting onto the kitchen table and mumbling under her breath.

“Incidentally, that was also the first time I had ever heard about another Princess apart from my sister. I was shocked, of course, and asked Celestia where such a burly Mare had come from and how she had proven worthy to become an Ascendant, and it took my sister almost a minute to stop laughing at the scene before us to explain to me that Cadence was not a clydesdale or draft-horse as the dream-scape before us had suggested.” Completely ignoring her lover’s protestations, Luna grinned cheekily at her lover as she continued her story. “When several weeks had passed and both Celestia and I had finally managed to convince poor Shining Armor that I really wasn’t going to plunge the world into eternal night again, or eat his girlfriend whole, I was introduced to Cadence at last … and it only took hoof-cuffing Shining Armor to the flag-pole in the middle of the castle’s parade-grounds with a set of adamantite cuffs and a magic-negating shackle on his horn to separate him from her side.”

“My ‘niece’ was extraordinarily shy around me for a few minutes until Celestia was able to explain to her the … cultural differences I was suffering from, at which point I rapidly ended up the one who was left on the back-hoof as Cadence and Celestia tag-teamed me and then dragged me down to Canterlot for a shopping spree that lasted two whole days.” The Lunar Princess finished, wickering softly at the memory. The manic glee in Celestia’s eyes as she dragged Luna around the town, the exuberance in Cadence’s words as the shy Thestral was dragged from shop to shop, the hideous expenditure of bits …

“Moving on from disturbing revelations about my brother’s subconscious sexuality and Cadence’s love of … shopping.” The purple alicorn said, and both Princesses shuddered at the dreaded word. “The Royal Guards are supposed to be waking up sometime soon, we’ve got enough butternut pumpkin soup, bread and fruit-juice to hopefully feed them … and then what? We wait for the Royal Agents to just show up? I don’t suppose Princess Celestia told you who they were?”

“No, I assumed you knew who they were!” Luna queried, shooting Twilight a worried look. “They have never identified themselves to you? Not once?”

“No. I’ve lived in Ponyville for three years, Luna. Three. Years. I’m more than a little concerned about it now that I have hard evidence that there are Royal Agents officially stationed here.” Wings rustling with irritation, Twilight levitated her cup of hot chocolate to her lips and took a long drink, hoping the warm drink would soothe her already frazzled nerves. “So either we’ve got the worst slackers in the history of Equestria on our hooves, or even worse, it raises the possibility Princess Celestia ordered them to stay out of situations that could have easily resulted in my friends being injured or worse, simply to see if I could ‘ascend’.”

“Twilight, I find it very, very difficult to imagine Celestia would allow you to come to any real harm. Test you to your limits, yes, but my sister would sooner cut off her own wings than allow you to come to lasting harm, physically or emotionally.” The Lunar Princess protested, a look of confused alarm on her face. “Surely, this must be a mistake, or an error in communication with the Royal Agents. When they arrive, we’ll make sure to get to the bottom of this, both of us.”

“I just don’t know anymore. Luna, after everything that’s happened, learning that Earth Ponies and Pegasi have something called ‘innate magic’ that Princess Celestia has allowed to disappear from public knowledge, that there are Royal Agents in this town and they have never once come to my aid, or that of my friends, and then I learn that my mentor, the Pony who drilled into me relentlessly that truth and integrity are the greatest strengths a Pony can possess has been personally obscuring momentous events in history has shaken me more than I thought possible.”

“I want to trust Princess Celestia, because I know she’s a good pony, she’s shown it, proven it, so many, many times now. For Faust’s sake, she’s like a second mother to me! She taught me everything I know, she’s helped me become everything I am!” Twilight explained, feeling the hot, shameful sting of tears in her eyes as the words came tumbling out, unstoppable and unending. “I want to believe there’s a point to everything, that it all means something and that she wasn’t really throwing my friends and I to the wolves, but after everything I’ve learned today I just can’t do it, not right now. Even if it all has been for a worthy cause, I just can’t understand why all of this has been necessary. Surely there had to be some other way, some method that didn’t involve such underhooved tactics and outright lying to an entire nation.”

“You feel betrayed that your shining idol is not some pristine, perfect mare like you always thought, and that you might be a pawn, rather than a friend?” Luna’s words cut deeper than Twilight thought they would, but still the purple mare nodded, not trusting her voice not to crack with fear and despair.

There was an awkward moment of silence before Luna got to her hooves and walked away, leaving Twilight feeling small and fragile in the chill night that even the living wooden walls of the library couldn’t quite keep away.

Oh well done, Twilight, you complete fool! Whine to Luna that you’re scared that her sister isn’t bloody perfect, after everything that has happened between them! Luna’s infection by the Nightmare Spirit, being banished, coming back to Equis and getting slandered day-in and day-out by almost everypony in Equestria! Twilight whimpered and put her muzzle back down on the table, putting her hooves over her muzzle and wrapping her wings around her head and shoulders as her tears cut hot trails down the fur on her cheeks. You’ve always trusted Princess Celestia, she’s always worked for the greater good, the Princess has never ever ever tried to put herself first!

Yet the sting of her mentor’s dismissal of her concerns at Cadence’s wedding when Twilight alone had noticed that ‘Princess of Love’ was acting extremely out of character remained firmly etched in Twilight’s mind, a fatal crack in the youngest Alicorn’s image of her perfect princess that expanded as her mind refused to listen to her heart and explored that crack further, expanding it with all the mistakes and strange ‘coincidences’ that Twilight had noticed over the past few years till Celestia’s image was made up more of cracks than perfection.

Allowing Discord’s statue to just stand there in the Canterlot Gardens where anypony could just wander past and accidentally release him. Her censoring of our history left us all entirely unprepared for Sombra’s return and in turn left the defence of an entire nation of Ponies who could barely remember their own names, let alone how to properly function as a society, in the hooves of my brother and sister-in-law, who were completely isolated from Equestria. And that is just the tip of the iceberg …

Twilight’s distressing train of thought was broken when the loud ‘thump’ of her tea-kettle on the kitchen table made her flinch and peer out of her cocoon of wings and limbs to see a bemused-looking Luna levitating the jar of drinking chocolate and a bulk-packet of marshmallows down next to it.

“If it is any consolation, dear Twilight, I share your concerns. It can be hard to accept that Celestia can love a Pony as deeply as she does and yet still involve them in her plans in such fashion, yet perhaps you need to take a step back and consider this;” The Lunar Princess gave Twilight a small smile and used her own wing to slowly pry open Twilight’s ‘cocoon’ as she made them both more hot chocolate. “You were placed into danger to force your Ascension, yet that would mean that Celestia’s eyes were upon you always. Always. And I seem to recall my sister talking my ear off during my convalescence in Canterlot with how the Parliament of Nobles would be incensed with her when a certain little purple filly would get a scrape or a ‘boo-boo’, and Celestia would fly out of the hall so fast she’s knock Ponies over to be by her side.”

Twilight ducked her head and chuckled, sniffling as she remembered several incidents during her childhood. “I remember one time I was trying to practice Clover the Clever’s tripartate algorhytm and the marbles I was using as placeholders for the magical foci shot off everywhere. I smashed three vases to pieces, punched a hole in the door and whacked myself upside the head, so I was bleeding everywhere when Princess Celestia found me half-conscious and being fussed over by the maids.”

“Ah yes, the “Oh Dear Faust she’s killed herself! Again!” incident.” Luna gave a soft, throaty laugh, adopting an overly horrified expression and a poor impression of Celestia’s voice. “My sister complained you were more worried about getting blood all over her wings when she was carrying you to the Royal Physician than the fact you had nearly cracked you little skull with a solid-agate marble! Or the time she was telling me about how you’d just perfected your teleportation spell and were so eager to tell your parents you teleported away without letting Celestia know where you were going, and ended up stuck on the roof for five hours because your parents were hosting a party and their house was packed with guests…”

“And I’d set the spell to ensure I would have at least three foot of clearance to avoid any accidents, so it ended up putting me in the closest area where that restriction applied, which meant on the damn roof, and I had to cling to the chimney for dear life until one of the Royal Guards, a Pegasi, came to the house to ask my parents if they knew where I was and found me covered in soot and bawling my eyes out.”

“Apparently his report ended with “Can I adopt her?”, to which Celestia told me she had informed him to get in line.” Luna finished, gently prising the last of Twilight’s limbs off her tear-lined face and sat herself down at Twilight’s side, wrapping a wing around her lover and holding her tighly as Twilight laughed weakly at the memories.

“I’m being an ass, aren’t I?” Twilight whispered after several moments of silence, staring into her cup of fresh hot chocolate as if it contained the secrets of the universe.

“Yes, but not necessarily an unjustified one, Twilight. It is natural to feel alarmed when one begins to grasp the scope of Celestia’s manipulations, but please do not make my mistake.” The Lunar Princess whispered into Twilight’s ear, twining a leg around one of Twilight’s own forelimbs as the two Alicorns leaned into each other. “Don’t sit back and blindly rely upon your memories for comfort out of fear of hurting someone close to you while your doubts and fears eat away at you. Talk to Celestia, and don’t be afraid to force a confrontation if you must. She may try to save the world from behind the scenes, but my sister is still a pony, Twilight, and she would be horrified to hear you are losing faith in her, because I know she has enormous faith in you, not your potential, or your mind or your magic, but you, Twilight Sparkle, her beloved student and friend.”

Sighing softly, Twilight nuzzled in under Luna’s head, savouring the unexpected comfort of being held, rather than the one doing the holding, and forced herself through the breathing exercises to calm herself down before speaking.

“Well… it might be cheesy, and she might be busy, but I think this qualifies for a ‘Friendship Report’.” Twilight muttered, and poked Luna in the ribs when the dark-blue Alicorn burst into giggles. “We’ll have to write it here, as Spike is likely to set me on fire if I wake him up at this time of night for anything less than a disaster needing the Elements of Harmony to fix.”

Whatever Luna was about to say next was lost in a loud yawn that came down the stairs, followed by another, and another again.

The Royal Guards were beginning to wake up at last.