Author's Notes:

The Usual Disclaimer:

The following is a work of parody, and is protected as Fair Use under section 17 U.S. Code § 107 of US Copyright Law. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and all affiliated characters are property of Hasbro Inc.

I own nothing. All characters, settings and other belong to their respective owners. This is purely a fan-work with no intent towards profit, slander or harm towards the characters, settings or other, or their respective owners. If the respective owners feel that this fan-work in any way, shape or form threatens or besmirches their property, please let me know so that it be can be removed asap.

Please support the show.

And we get to torture Dappled Light again. Ho ho ho!

CHAPTER 21

“MOVE, LADIES! DOUBLE TIME, HUSTLE HUSTLE HUSTLE!” Glimmer sighed and put a hoof to her head, willing the headache to go away as she watched her C.O. run the Guards under his command ragged to prepare for the ‘invasion’.

Not that the scrying of the Outpost had revealed more than thirty or forty Changelings at most, and the badly wounded Queen that had to be carried with exaggerated care into the Outpost at the border by her Drones, in short it was exactly as what the lone Guard had described: That the once five-thousand-strong Hive of the Changeling Queen had been reduced to a tiny cluster of refugees herding cats, and a deathly sick Queen who couldn’t even walk on her own.

Not that Brass Stars, arrogant hot-head that he was, seemed to care. This was his opportunity to ‘settle the score’ between himself and the Changelings. That he had been shipped out to the only border Equestria possessed that did not have another nation on the other side to avoid a repeat-performance of the diplomatic incidents he’d caused at the Labyrinthia/Equestria border, and that he’d been rejected six times from the Wonderbolts training program for being too aggressive towards the other trainees, never factored into her hot-blooded C.O.’s thoughts.

No, just like always, it was somepony or something else at fault, and he was unfairly blamed. The Unicorn, her pale, almost ethereally so, pink coat incongruous against the uniform of the Royal Guard, wondered if it were possible that Princess Celestia and the Three Generals were somehow punishing her for some unknown transgression by putting the hot-blooded Brass Stars in charge of her and the other Guards at Garrison 42.

“Sir, if I might say, again, this does not seem to be an invasion. We should wait for the Mages from Canterlot to arrive, and then we can begin scanning every Pony at the Outpost for signs of Changeling mind-control …”

“We’ve got no time for those glory-hogging pansies! I won’t let that Bug get away this time!” The Pegasus Major yelled, his wings trembling with excitement. Probably the first chance you’ve got to yell at the troops without getting odd looks since you got here! “I’ll capture that bloody Changeling, present her to the Princesses and finally get a decent posting!”

“So sorry to hear holding the border secure isn’t as fulfilling as you had hoped, Sir, but perhaps you should read the message from Command?” The Unicorn officer did her best to turn her face-hoof into a salute as she levitated the print-out to the larger, dull-orange Pegasus, who scowled at her, but with all of the Guards that were in the parade-grounds staring at them, Brass Stars had no choice but to take the orders and read them, his eager expression souring quickly into a frown, and then a trembling mask of rage. “Our orders are to …”

“I can read, Glimmer.” Brass Stars grated, slamming the orders down onto the nearest crate, and then mashing his hoof down on the offending paper for good measure. “When I find the Pony that went over my head and alerted Command about the location of the Changeling Queens, heads will roll, Glimmer. That’s my prey, that’s my chance to climb up the ranks, not some jammy little snot who ignores the chain of command!”

“Be that as it may, Sir, Command has insisted on playing this as diplomatically as we can, especially given how antsy our neighbours have gotten after the Princess decided to call down the wrath of the Sun on the Gryphons.” Glimmer replied, poker-faced against the Major’s anger, praying internally for the poor sap who had the balls to sidestep the Major’s authority. “If we can prove we can handle a potential threat like Chrysalis without military force, we might be able to keep our other borders from becoming hot-spots like the border we share with Gryphonia.”

“Oh whoop de friggin’ do! Congratulations, Private Glimmer, once again you’ve managed to find a bit’s worth of silver lining on the cloud of shit that keeps me from flying high.” Brass Stars snarled, turning to the troops who had slowed down their efforts to put on their armor and ready their weapons to watch the Major and his adjutant verbally spar again.

“Actually, sir, I’m a Captain. Perhaps now would be the time to give the troops their new orders, from General Rhinestone?”

“You’ll be a Private if I have any say …” Brass Stars muttered, then cleared his throat and addressed the Guards-Ponies loudly and clearly. “Alright ladies, listen up! It appears somebody in the garrison can’t stop flappin’ their gums, and has let spill to the Generals about the Bug-Bitch’s arrival in my territory. So now, instead of protecting Equestria by slapping her with some bug-spray and throwing her in a cage, we’re to ‘hold position’ until the Mages can arrive and ensure that Chrysalis can’t manipulate our minds, while the Bugs dig in and fortify just a few hours away. So let’s hope that our friends at the Outpost aren’t being turned into puppets like that limp-wrist, Shining Armor.”

“General Rhinestone assures me that the Magi will arrive sometime tonight on an express train commandeered from Canterlot itself, but I want us ready to go the instant they arrive! Think of this as a chance to triple-check your gear and get some sleep before we move out to take the Bug into custody!” Pacing back and forth on the raised platform that constituted the barrack’s ‘observation’ post of the parade grounds, the Major’s eyes swept over the Guards, and a sneer spread across his face. “I don’t care what the Generals say, Chrysalis is a clear and present threat to the Ponies we are sworn to protect! The instant even one Changeling makes a move that could be argued as threatening, your orders are to take them down. I will not have one single hair on a Pony harmed again because some bigwig in Canterlot wants another olive-leaf in their laurel! Am I clear, ladies?”

“Sir yes sir!” Came the conditioned response, but it was lacklustre and hesitant, and Brass Stars knew it, his sneer turning into a frown, his eyes glaring at his subordinates with utter contempt.

“Very well! Let us hope you show more vigor when we face the enemy! DISMISSED!” Brass Stars shouted, saluted and stalked away, not bothering to wait for the answering salute from his troops, leaving Glimmer to oversee the rest in a spiteful move.

Faust give me strength. Why did Major Stonehoof have to retire? The Unicorn thought as she sent the three units that were stationed in the garrison to their assigned duty-rosters, planning to keep the youngest, and thus least-experienced, Guards behind to patrol the Garrison and the two more experienced units of Guards to be prepared for the Mages from Canterlot, as no-doubt Brass Stars would make good on his ‘promise’ to move out as soon as they arrived.

Which, given the time-table of the train’s arrival, assuming nothing happened to the tracks, would be sometime after midnight. So he’d be pushing his troops to fight enemies with the ability to alter their shape and colouration in the darkest part of the night with only a crescent moon and mage-lights to identify them. Standard Brass Stars genius at work…

“Sir, about the Major … whose orders do we follow? The General, or the Major’s?” One of the Corporals asked, silencing the room by addressing the elephant that lurked there directly.

“We obey the chain of command, and that means you follow the General’s orders.” Glimmer stated loudly, giving the Corporal a firm look. “Brass Stars cannot give you orders that conflict with those of a superior officer, especially not in this situation, where those orders conflict with the orders he himself is supposed to be following.”

“Honestly sir, we’re more worried about being put through hell after this is all over. Nobody wants to have the Major breathing down their necks because we disobeyed his orders to fulfil the General’s commands.” The Corporal pointed out, starting to sweat nervously as Glimmer eyed him coldly. “Sir, some of us have families who depend on the wages we earn as Royal Guards. We can’t afford to lose our positions.”

“You cannot be drummed out of the Royal Guard for obeying the orders of a higher-ranking Officer over that of a lower-ranking one. Calm down.” Glimmer said loudly and clearly, noting how the Ponies around her relaxed slightly, but still looked tense. Worried. If Stonehoof were still here, these Ponies wouldn’t be worried about this, they’d be calm and ready to obey their orders without complaint. I don’t care who Brass Stars’s cousin is, he’s too great a risk to the Garrison’s morale and effectiveness to let things continue as they have. “If you wish to make an official complaint, please write a letter and give it to me. I have to send our monthly report to Canterlot, and I already send the mail of most of the Garrison with it, so additional letters will not be noticed, and Major Brass Stars will never know whom amongst you made the complaints.”

“Sir!” The Guards saluted smartly, drifting away in small groups to fulfil their duties, leaving a very fatigued Glimmer to trudge back to her small office, shaking her head at the situation.

Stonehoof had retired due to old age and injuries that had prevented the Unicorn from performing to his full abilities and had nominated his best soldier, herself, to be promoted and take command of the Garrison, but the promotion hadn’t gone to Glimmer, but to a certain Pegasus whose ego kept him bouncing around the country to get him away from the messes he made and whose famous family-member’s connections kept him from being bounced out of the Guard. Still, Glimmer thought wryly, at least within the Royal Guard, Brass Stars has to obey orders, and if he goes AWOL we can just throw him into a military prison for a few years. If he was a civilian, there’d be a whole mess of claims and counter-claims in the courts and plea-bargains. In the Guard, at least, Brass Stars is easily contained, but I just wish the rest of the Guards and I didn’t have to suffer like this.

An hour later, Glimmer stared at the pile of ‘letters’ and ‘correspondence’ and facehoofed.

She’d expected perhaps five or six official complaints, not for pretty much every single soldier in the Garrison to deliver her a bundle of mail, most of which appeared to be blank pieces of paper folded up and put into envelopes with scurrilous addresses, with a handful of actual ‘letters’ which held the official complaints.

Assuming the mass is X, times Y for distance… Glimmer sighed and began running the mental calculations on how to send all the mail at once to General Rhinestone, looking at the bottle of Dragonfire in her hooves. Oh manure, I’ll need to use half the bottle if I send everything, and trying to explain that to Brass Hooves or the Accounting Division will be next to impossible. I’ll just send the complaints to the General, claim they were letters to the Guards’ families and sent under the Compassion Act, and dispose of the rest of this junk later.

“Dammit …” Glimmer swore as she put the bottle down in the drawer and began the process of sorting the ‘false’ mail from the formal complaints.

She could only hope that the lone Guard at the Outpost was not having too much trouble.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Seriously. Get out.”

“My Queen wishes to know where you are at all times.”

“Can I … just … give me five minutes, okay?”

“You are our only defence against Ponies who may wish to cause harm to our Hive. You must be guarded from harm.”

“We’re in the damn toilet! What are you expecting, ninjas to come out of the bowl?”

“My Queen has ordered me to stay by your side until otherwise commanded. Thus, I shall do so.”

“CAN I PEE IN SOLITUDE, PLEASE?”

“We are not stopping you.”

“I can’t go if you’re watching me!”

“You were able to go when we first me.”

“That … that wasn’t … I was … look! Two totally different things, okay! Just … step out of the cubicle for five minutes. Listen in, I don’t care, but I can’t go if you’re literally standing right next to me!”

“But your organ is …”

“STOP LOOKING AT IT!” Dapplied shouted, mortified as he hoof-handled the inquisitive, obtuse Changeling out of the cubicle, blushing furiously as he planted both front-hooves on it's … her chitin-covered hind-quarters and getting an unfortunate glimpse at the ‘equipment’ before pushing ‘Scout’ completely out of the room before slamming the door and flicking the lock shut.

“Damn it …” The Stallion whimpered, shuffling back to the bowl and trying to think of baseball and rootbeer, trying to will the painful pressure in his bladder to come out to no avail.

He was hard. No, scratch that, he was freaking adamantite-hard. His was the rod that could pierce the heavens. He was wielding the Lance of Longinus.

It was the return of the ‘WHY’ Boner, with a vengeance.

And it had only happened when the Changeling, who seemed to be taken with the name ‘Scout’, had squeezed into cubicle behind Dappled and in the confusion and the struggle for two Pony-sized creatures to share the one small space, somehow Dappled had ended up with Scout crouched beneath him awkwardly, the Changeling’s small, translucent wings scraping the Stallion’s sides, it’s tail off to the side and that adorable little pouting ass poking his …

*THROB*

“Not. Helping.” Dappled scolded himself for remembering how good the Changeling smelled, like vodka and lemons, and how when he’d pushed her out, he’d seen that same pouting little asshole, and the faintest hint of lime-green lips between her ...

*THROB THROB*

“OH FAUST DAMMIT!” Dappled cursed loudly, banging his head against the cubicle and pointedly ignoring the worried demands from Scout to be allowed back into the cubicle to defend him.

The last thing I need! Getting a boner from a Changeling’s ass! He … She … IT! IT’S AN IT! They change shape, they probably don’t have a set gender anyways! Just like that ‘Mare’ from Baltimare I ran into a few years back, looks like a Mare, but it’s a Stallion under the dress!

“Guard Dappled, are you injured? The Queen will have my head if you have been attacked!”

“No, no, I’m just fine, give me a minute …” Dappled replied, flinching as he heard the lock rattle behind him … and then sighed as he felt himself starting to go flaccid. “Finally! Oh, that’s the ticket …”

A minute and a flush later, Dappled was cleaning his hooves under the tap with an annoyingly clingy Scout asking what he’d fought in the cubicle when his commanding officer walked in.

“Ah … Dappled. Is this a bad time?” The aging Earth Pony asked, his cream coat sprinkled with grey and his once-brown mane and tail faded and streaked with white, said nervously, eying the Changeling that seemed glued to Dappled’s side.

“No sir, just a weird one. Glad to see you have … recovered, sir. I apologise for taking command while you were out of it, but …” Dappled saluted, nearly elbowing Scout in the muzzle, and began to apologise to his C.O., only to be cut off with a wave of the older Stallion’s hoof.

“All things considered, you did exactly what I would have done. When Chrysalis surrendered, any offensive action we took would have been consider heavy-hoofed by our neighbours and probably would have been used for propaganda by the extremist-elements amongst the Gryphons to raise support for another border-skirmish.” Peach Seed sighed, giving the clingy, over-protective Changeling and blushing Stallion an odd look. “Are you sure this isn’t a bad time, Dappled?”

“I do not believe that ‘Scout’ here understands the concept of personal space, that’s all, sir.” Dappled replied, thanking Faust that his ‘Little Warlord’ was playing nice for once. “And Queen Chrysalis has apparently ordered her to protect me … uhm, speaking of which, have you spoken to her, sir?”

“Uhm … yes. And she has asked for some help with her children. So … I need you to play diplomat for me for a while.”

“Dare I ask why, sir?”

“I need to go home, collect my wife and bring her here. The foals are …”

“Wait, sir, Foals? Not grubs?” Dappled asked, blinking rapidly. Foals? They’re not maggots?

“Yes, it surprised me too. Three adorable little foals … and their mother is at a loss over how to care for them, considering Queen Chrysalis claims she only lays eggs.” Peach explained, rubbing at the back of his head in puzzlement. “Sadly, I’ve never been good with foals, not even my own, so I’m off to fetch an expert on the subject. Which leaves you in charge of the Outpost, again.”

“Ah. And what of our three paper-pushers?”

“Currently introducing the Changelings to the wonders of coffee and doughnuts, much to Equestria’s regret.”

“Bwuuuuuh?”

“My sentiments exactly. Apparently caffeine makes Changelings high, and they’ve eaten half our supply of doughnuts and are currently trying to see what eating raw coffee grounds do to themselves.” Peach sighed and shook his head in amazement. “I just passed two of those massive Changelings pulling Chrysalis's carriage scooting along the hallway on their chests, pushing themselves along on their hind-legs.”

“Still doesn’t top the last Christmas party for weird-o-manure though. Very well sir, I’ll accept temporary command until you and your C.O. return.” Dappled replied with a grin, saluting and nearly knocking Scout in the head again with his elbow.

“Hooo boy. Thank you, Private Dappled. Good luck, and here’s hoping nothing else goes sideways until our escort from Canterlot shows up. I can only imagine what the Princesses will make of all this.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sunset Shimmer was peeved.

No, scratch that, she was pissed.

She was finally with her soul-mate, the only other Pony who had ever reached out to her, and this … this old hag was standing in her way, this ‘Nightmoon Lunar’, and Twilight was cowering behind the bigger Princess’s flank.

And now Celestia, that pacifistic limp-hoof, was screaming at her to come out and surrender? What in Tartarus was going on? Why were there three Princesses in a backwater town like this?

“Damn it!” Sunset hissed, trying to lunge forwards to grab Twilight and teleport to safety, but her muzzle hit the opaque shield-barrier, and she shrieked with pain as her skin hissed from the contact. “What the hell kind of spell is this?”

“A divine barrier, Succuponi! One such as yourself cannot cross it, not without destroying yourself.” The big midnight-blue Alicorn hissed, looking at a space over Sunset’s head with a triumphant grin on her face. “Soon, Celestia shall be here, and Twilight will be saved from …”

“From what, you overgrown Mule? Her true destiny? Freedom from Celestia’s wishy-washy leadership? Saved from having to follow some tired old nag’s rules and spend her life serving unworthy Ponies who’ll do nothing but demand everything and give back nothing?” Sunset snapped back, rubbing a metallic, cloven hoof at her burnt muzzle and grinning as she felt the skin smooth over and regrow its soft golden fur, and laughed as she saw the look of smug assurance fell off the black Alicorn’s face. “I am the future, you whorse. And that is my destined lover you’re hoarding, so hoof her over, and I won’t melt your wings off!”

“Destined what? Sunset, what are you talking abou-“ Twilight shouted before the room shook and more trickles of dust spilled down from the roof.

“TWILIGHT? LUNA! GET OUT OF THERE, NOW!” Celestia roared, and everypony felt their coats stand on end as the stairwell on the other side of the room became flooded with painfully bright sunlight.

“Twilight, go get your friends, use your favourite trick. I will grab Trixie, we need to get out of here.” Luna yelled, her mane elongating and turning more ethereal, creeping around the room to curl around a confused-looking Trixie, whose ear-muffs apparently were blocking out all noise.

“B-but the barrier will f-fall if we stop concentrating on it!” Twilight whimpered, flinching as Sunset pressed against the barrier, the furious Succuponi shrieking as the energies burned her flesh, stripping hair and hide away as if they had been splashed with acid.

“Twilight, the last time I saw Celestia this angry, we were sealing Sombra into a Glacier, and she vaporized several square miles of tundra in the process. Teleport to your friends and get them out of the library now!” Luna snapped, wincing as she felt the panicked struggling and screams of the blue Unicorn as her ethereal mane dragged the show-mare into its depths. “I cannot leave until you do, and Celestia will have to cast the binding spell soon, even if we are still in here …”

“Teleport! TELEPORT! Nraghrgh! Why won’t it work!” Sunset snarled, her horn flickering with magic, her body glowing not only with her own magic, but pulsing sparkles of golden sunlight, but she remained stuck where she was. “What is that whorse doing to me?”

“O-oh-kay.” Twilight nodded, giving Luna’s rear one last pat, which drove Sunset into an even greater frenzy to penetrate the barrier, abandoning her futile attempts to teleport, Twilight’s horn flaring with power as she concentrated … and vanished in a flash of purple magic, teleporting away to the upper levels of the library, her shield-spell fading away without her concentrating on it.

“NO! GIVE MY TWILIGHT BACK!” Sunset screamed furiously, leaping for Luna even with her forelimbs and face covered with burns and gaping holes in her hide, only for Luna to fade into a Pony-sized mass of night-sky and flow around the Succuponi and up the stairwell.

“GIVE ME BACK MY TWILIGHT, YOU WHORSES!”