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The following is a work of parody, and is protected as Fair Use under section 17 U.S. Code § 107 of US Copyright Law. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and all affiliated characters are property of Hasbro Inc.

I own nothing. All characters, settings and other belong to their respective owners. This is purely a fan-work with no intent towards profit, slander or harm towards the characters, settings or other, or their respective owners. If the respective owners feel that this fan-work in any way, shape or form threatens or besmirches their property, please let me know so that it be can be removed asap.

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In which things go sideways in a very big way.

CHAPTER 11

Fluttershy's cottage, day 2, late afternoon.

“Well, that the baby manticore dealt with, your animals fed, your gutters cleaned … anything else, miss Fluttershy?” Big Mac asked, sweating profusely in the afternoon sun.

Following Zecora and Fluttershy home had been a torture in and of itself, for not only had he been unable to get a word in edge-wise between the two Mares, but the hour-long trip of watching their plots bounce and jiggle the entire way had strained even the infamously stoic farm-Pony’s resolve.

So to apologise, even if they weren’t aware of his staring or dirty thoughts, Big Mac had offered to take care of Fluttershy’s out-doors chores while she and Zecora made the arrangements for two Mares to share the house.

“Ah, no, I think that’s it, Big Mac. Thank you for, uhm, doing all this.” Fluttershy mumbled, hiding behind her hair again and making Big Mac’s heart pound for a different reason. “Wo-would you like some lemonade?”

“Much obliged, miss Fluttershy, but I should really get goin’. Ah need to get that wagon back from the Everfree Forest first thing in the morning, an’ I’m a bit ripe.” Big Mac replied, wishing he had the courage to just stallion-up and go inside.

Of course, a certain grinning Zebra that was watching from a nearby window could also be blamed for the lack of confidence the burly farm-Pony felt. She’d pretty much ogled him the entire time he’d been outside, and knowing full well that Zecora had him by the balls, in a variety of different meanings of the term, crippled Big Mac’s courage.

“Oh … well, at least have a glass of lemonade before you go!” Fluttershy protested, ducking inside and coming out with a tall, frosty glass of lemonade and a towel.

Realising this was as far as he’d get today, Big Mac smiled, nodded, drank the lemonade, revelling in how cool it was and the fact he was having Fluttershy’s home-made cooking, after a fashion, and towelled the sweat off his face.

“Much obliged, miss Fluttershy. Please, take care, and if you need, uhm, anything, you just let me know, alright?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fluttershy felt her hind legs rub together, savouring the itchy heat as she watched Big Mac trot off to his family’s farm, his dark red coat glistening with sweat and rippling over his thick, rugged muscles.

Always so kind. Always so gently spoken. And yet she had seen him knock a tree over with a single kick, and pull a wagon filled with apples that would have been a struggle for two stallions with almost no effort.

She had always wondered if that gentleness would hold up in the bedroom, a haunting dream fuelled by her inability to forget that one time the pair of them had gotten drunk and ducked behind the Apple family’s barn …

And then I kneed him in the groin … Fluttershy whimpered as she remembered how Big Mac’s eyes had bulged and his deep, wonderful voice had come out as a choked whimper as he fell to the ground in a crumpled heap.

Walking inside, Fluttershy sighed, wondering when she’d ever work up the courage to invite Big Mac inside for ‘lemonade’ again. Today had been almost perfect … perhaps tomorrow?

But for now … her wing flexed, bringing the towel she’d given Big Mac to wipe his sweat off to her face, where she stood on her hind legs, leaned against the front door and pushed the sweaty towel to her muzzle with both front-hooves, inhaling deeply of the musky, spicy scent Big Mac had left in the cloth.

“Goodness Fluttershy, your need must be great, your wings are so hard I swear they almost vibrate!”

“EEEP!” Fluttershy squeaked, hiding the sweat-stained towel behind her as Zecora winked at her from the couch, which the Zebra Shaman claimed as her bed for her ‘sleep over’ at Fluttershy’s cottage. “Ze-ze-ze-zecora, no, I was just, uhm, checking to see if it needed to be washed, is all!”

“If that is true, then I rule Equestria! Why don’t you just jump him, by the beard of Celestia?” Zecora shot back, grinning broadly. “Don’t wash that towel, it would be a crime, scented with his sweat, it must smell divine.”

“ZECORA!” Fluttershy squeaked, her eyes going wide as dinner-plates.

“And if you want not the towel, give it to me, for I remember Big Mac’s ‘pride’, and I am filled with ne~!”

“ZECORA!” Fluttershy squeaked louder, her hooves going to her mouth in shock, almost shoving the towel into her orifice as her eyes grew wider still.

“Surely you don’t object, since you won’t chase Big Mac, if I try my luck, and see if he’ll wear me like a hat!”

And with that, Fluttershy’s eyes rolled into the back of her head, the butter-coloured Pegasus fainting dead away even as her wings remained hard as steel.

“Well, that was strange, she’s taken my teasing before, I wonder what’s different, that could knock her to the floor?” Zecora asked out loud as she got up and picked up the Pegasus, dragging her to the couch, when she heard a squeak by the stairs that led to the Pegasus’s bedroom.

Wondering what animal it was that was coming down to inspect her this time, she looked up to see three familiar little fillies, covered in dust-bunnies and scratches and holding an irate-looking rabbit, staring at her with furious blushes across their faces.

“When in Tartarus did you three come from? We’ve been tidying up the house and saw no-one!” Zecora shouted, going pale as she imagined being grilled by Rarity, Applejack and Scootaloo’s Guardian, whoever that was, about the language the three precocious fillies would be going home with.

“Uh, we were trying to be Cutie Mark Crusader Rabbit Catchers … we’ve been chasing Angel around in the rabbit-warrens out back.” Applebloom replied softly.

“Literally through the warrens.” Scootaloo muttered, shaking her wings and dislodging several clods of dirt onto the carpet.

“Uhm …. Zecora? What’d you mean by Fluttershy jumping Big Mac? You mean like playing Leap-Frog?” Sweetie Belle offered, smiling far, far too broadly for the Zebra’s tastes.

Zecora looked down to the comatose Fluttershy, to the trio of blushing, grinning Fillies no doubt eager to rush home and ask their parents just what Zecora had meant, and then Zecora stared out the window, gazing upon Ponyville … and its insane inhabitants.

“Caught me you have, your silence I crave, tell me what you want, I am forced to be your slave.” The Zebra Shaman sighed as the three Fillies began bouncing up and down eagerly.

“HOORAY! Cutie Mark Crusader Zebra Shamans.”

“Oh bucking why, not fair at all, my house is wrecked, now I must bear this gall?” Zecora moaned out loud as the Cutie Mark Crusaders rushed upstairs, shouting about getting some makeup to give themselves stripes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Celestia found the Day Court to be, for the first time in years, entertaining.

Having Discord in her corner, so to say, was at turns endearing, heart-warming and terrifying. He’d just pop into the Court, have a natter with her whenever he felt like it, then pat her on the shoulder, give her a hoof bump or, in the last case, a hug and then pop out again.

And of course the Court went into an absolute uproar over the Chaos Aspect laying paws or claws on their beloved Princess, until Celestia had told them all to let it go, Discord was not only reformed but trying to be a good friend.

“Do I look upset?” Celestia asked loudly as an effeminate Noble shouted about the ‘audacity’ of Discord touching Celestia. “Or, to phrase it better, did I look upset when Discord was trying to be a friend and gave me a hug?”

“Uh … a little?” The Noble replied as the Court looked on and whispered.

“I am perfectly capable of deciding when I am or am not upset, Limp Wilting. I do not require you, or anypony else for that matter, to get offended on my behalf, thank you very much.” Celestia continued, throwing a bit more of the Canterlot Voice into her speech than truly required for the situation as she gave a sweeping ‘look’ to the assembled Court. “Now, as amusing as it is having my little Ponies trying to tell me how I should feel, did we not have several issues before the Court to attend to first?”

Unfortunately, the topic quickly turned to the Gryphonia issue, with a small portion of the Court, including most of the Nobles whose wealth depended upon the complex import/export agreements with the combative Gryphons, to appease their parliament, while the bulk of the Court seemed torn between just letting the situation pass after Celestia’s display of power had apparently cowed the Gryphonia Parliment, if not their clergy, and delivering a punitive measure against the unstable coalition of States that made up Gryphonia as punishment for threatening Equestria.

“An embargo on the food we supply them would certainly teach those overgrown chickens a lesson in manners!”

“Don’t be an idiot. The members of their Parliament pushing for a war with Equestria wouldn’t starve, and all we’d do is be punishing their civilians, which would give them a reason to hate us.”

“They already hate us!”

“If we keep up the food trade, but put an embargo on their exports, the rugs and the rest?”

“That would drive my family bankrupt!”

“They export more than rugs, you dolt!”

“What else can they export? Have you seen Gryphonia? It’s desert, as far as the eye can see, with a handful of rivers cutting through it and the odd oasis here and there? What else do they export, dirt, heat and misery?”

“Cinnamon, opium for our pain-killers, they are also the largest supplier of diamonds in the known world!”

“Oh horrors, we’ll not have cinnamon in our chai lattes, we’ll have to make do with without addictive medication and … other than jewellery, what do we use diamonds for anyways?”

“Disgraceful, the military still needs Celestia to bail them out of trouble. What will we do if she can’t pick up the slack next time?”

“Agreed, my good Duke! And with Cadence being a pacifist, Luna one push away from becoming that horrid Nightmare creature again, and Twilight Sparkle proving to be a disappointment of a Princess …”

“…Conscription? Have you considered that our sons would also be conscripted if we pushed that through the Court? You might like the idea of your sons on the front lines, but mine haven’t produced heirs for the family yet!”

“I’m sure we could pressure one of the Generals to make a ‘Champagne’ unit. You know, keep them out of the actual fighting …”

“You don’t pay much attention to that side of the Court, do you? We’ve got Thestrals, Pegasi, Earth Ponies and even a Minotaur as Generals. The days of dignified Unicorns leading our army is dead and gone, thanks to these ‘reforms’ Celestia is allowing the Commoners to foist upon us with their petitions!”

Faust give me strength. Celestia groaned internally, ancient spell-work in the Throne-room allowing her to listen to, and record, scores of conversations heard within the grand Court-hall all at once. Half of my Court is more interested in making money off of a potential war, and the other half is either in the pockets of Gryphonia or want us to go to war out of pride.

Not for the first time, the Solar Princess mentally patted herself on the back for removing the archaic laws that allowed only the Nobility to hold the highest ranks within the military. She’d gotten it past the Court by letting them think it was to stop elevating ‘commoners’ who distinguished themselves in times of war to the peerage, but when she made it a point to Knight every Commander and General, thus making them honorary members of the peerage, and their Knighthoods, combined with their military rank, the new 'law' gave gave her Common-born Generals just enough pull to be able order around most of the Nobility. Sadly it had also enraged the Nobility of that generation and it had taken years of placating and outright threats to get them to stop petitioning her to reverse the removal of the law.

Finally, after three hours of meandering debates that often ended in shouting matches between opposing Nobles, Celestia called for an hour-long recess to allow everypony to eat and calm themselves, and retreated to her private chambers for a meal.

In truth, she merely wished to study the bush Discord had brought to her, and to plot.

If only Gryphonia wasn’t at risk of falling apart again. So many problems lay between her and the first thing in centuries that Celestia the Pony wanted, rather than what Celestia the Princess needed to do, and the frustration boiled within her, eroding Celestia’s tolerance.

She would have taken a holiday for herself once Luna and Twilight came back from their ‘training exercise’, Faust knew it had been centuries since her last real holiday, but Equestria lacked the military might and the funds to handle having the ‘United’ States of Gryphonia falling onto each other in an orgy of tribal warfare.

Luna still lacked a firm enough grasp of the modern world to fully utilize the Army to its full potential, and Twilight was born in an era of peace, and would balk at violence until there was no other choice, which would prove horribly costly in lives if the Gryphons were given a chance to dig in and prepare themselves for a long, drawn-out war.

The last time Gryphonia had descended into barbarism, the Border had been flooded with refugees trying to get away from the wholesale slaughter of entire Tribes, and naturally enough the Ponies of the time had welcomed the fleeing, starving Gryphons into their communities, and all seemed well on the Equestrian side of the Border, until two particularly large groups of refugees were brought into Manehattan and were settled on the same city-block. Two groups of rival refugees.

The bloodbath had lasted for the better part of two weeks with the Gryphon tribes tearing each other apart in the streets, hunting down and killing each other’s hatchlings, butchering Ponies who tried to protect the refugees from each other, including dozens of Guards who had attempted to breech the city-block to evacuate civilians and scores more Ponies who had simply found themselves caught between combatants.

At the time, long-distance communication had been rare, expensive and required teams of unicorns and specially prepared crystals that had been magically linked to send a single message. And even then, the number of Scrying Orbs had been limited, and the need for ponies to write down the actual messages and disseminate them had been a critically flawed step in the system. By the time the Royal Guard had heard that the situation had gone from mere fisticuffs to an actual running battle in the streets, the two groups of refugees had reduced each other’s number to a dozen each out of two hundred members.

And the survivors had acted surprised when the Royal Guard captured them and charged them with acts of murder. The tribal nature of the Gryphons taught them that murder only applied to Gryphons of their own Tribes, not those of other Tribes, or other Races.

Anything that was not of the Tribe was either a Slave, if it was another Gryphon, or meat, if it was not. And that over-weening arrogance so ingrained into the Gryphon race, almost instinctive arrogance, meant that they had refused to accept that the slaughter had been wrong, thus they had been kept in prison until their dying days.

There was a reason that few Gryphons lived in Equestria, and many Ponies, often called the ‘second best friends’ when the Races spoke of the penchant of Pony-kind to offer help and friendship at the first meeting, held Gryphons at arm’s length. Celestia made it a point to ensure that the Feather War of Manehattan was taught to Ponies as soon as they entered their schooling years, as a way to reinforce that violence was wrong, to hammer home that discrimination caused nothing but grief.

And yet once upon a time, the three Pony Tribes were no better. It took several hundreds years to get the hold-outs and supremacists to accept that all three Tribes were equal, but it happened in the end. Celestia sighed as she powered through a buffet-tray of cheese-and-tomato sandwiches and a giant tankard of cider, the privacy of her rooms allowing her to just eat and not worry about delicacy and her public image. Damn you, Asha’Ramahn. If not for your insanity and hatred, the Gryphons might have some stability in their lives. Instead, over a thousand years later your bigotry and contempt for all others poisons your children still and causes suffering where there need not be any at all!

Celestia’s attention turned back to the bush, trying to push the thoughts of war away as she stared hard at the plant, smiling to herself.

How often had she, as a Foal, hidden inside those bushes, trusting in the foul smelling sap in the leaves and branches to protect herself as she hid from the Herd Masters and their troops, and keeping herself alive on the berries when she could not steal food from the ramshackle villages?

They were sad memories, but happy ones too. The few members of the Herds who had not driven her away, who had not believed the Herd-Masters’ claims of her ‘deformities’, that having both wings and horns did not mean she was a bringer of bad-luck and calamity, had offered her shelter when they could risk it and advanced warning of the War-Bands approach when they could not, but more often than not, Celestia would have curled up in the safety of a cluster of these bushes, safe and warm under their thick foliage on a bed of soft leaf-litter.

If any of the Herds, no, the Gypsies had survived, Celestia felt she had to find them and bring them back across the Badlands, to settle them amongst the other Ponies and let them share the bounty and safety that she and so many others had sacrificed so much to create.

Luna had been born of the Thestrals, and was thus the Goddess of the Bat-Ponies. Cadence had been born a Pegasus, and while she had manifested a horn, and then undergone the transformation into an Alicorn after her third birthday, thus she was considered the Goddess of the Pegasi.

Twilight, although she didn’t know it, was the paragon of everything good about the Unicorns, and when she matured fully, would be the Goddess of the Unicorns.

Which only leaves an Earth Pony to fill the role of Goddess of the Earth Ponies. Celestia mused, swallowing a sandwich whole, barely tasting it. I became the leader of the Three Pony Tribes simply because my own kind were all dead, or so I thought. What will this mean for Equestria, to have all five breeds of Pony together? Does Cadence have dominion over the Breezies, or do they have a Princess of their own? I know the Sea-Ponies exiled their own Princess to the Blackwater Trench for her excesses and cruelty, but the Unspoken One was the only Immortal who knew the full truth of the Princess Prophecies.

What happens to me when all the Princesses of the Three Pony Tribes are manifest? The Solar Princess found herself imagining a Court containing five Princesses. Would it be able to hold up under the strain, or would there even be any strain, if the five of them could work together like Twilight, Luna and herself did.

Would she be allowed to spend time with the surviving Gypsy Ponies with four other Princesses to share the burden of leadership? Time to reacquaint herself with her people, to help smooth their entry into Equestrian society? Or would she be doomed to the role of Elder Princess, forever held at bay on a pedestal by the Ponies around her.

First things first. Celestia reminded herself as a Guard knocked on the door, reminding her that Court would return shortly, and her ‘duties’ would have to be resumed. Solve the issues with Gryphonia, get Luna and Twilight back home, and then I can to try organise an expedition across the Badlands to find the … no, to find my people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“D’you mind if Rainbow crashes here, Spike?” Applejack asked, dragging the limp, blank-eyed Pegasus in through the front door, Rarity following in her wake with a shopping bag full of ice-cream and gems. “She’s … uh … had a bit of a shock.”

“Uh, sure, but why not take her home to your farm?” The baby Dragon asked after a few seconds, carefully putting his Power Ponies comic down to help the farm-Pony put the Pegasus onto one of the library’s reading couches. “Is Twilight okay?”

“Ah, Twilight’s just dandy. Threw us fer a loop with … uh … something she’s learned ‘bout herself, is all. Dashie here took it kinda hard.”

“That’s putting it mildly.” Rarity said dryly, dropping the bag onto the floor and collapsing dramatically onto another of the reading couches, earning a snort of amusement from Applejack. “Oh don’t be like that! I’m not used to such rigors, my talents lie in more refined arts!”

“Ah wasn’t aware walkin’ was ‘unrefined’.” Applejack gave the white-coated Unicorn a dirty look before turning her attentions to the limp form of Rainbow Dash, whom Spike was covering up with a lap-blanket. “Uh, jus’ beware Spike, she’s kinda had a hard day. If she starts sayin’ things, jus’ bear with it … don’t repeat it to anypony.”

“Uh … huh. Right, whatever. Can’t be any weirder than the time Twilight talking about a 100-step plan to fix everything in Equestria in her sleep after binging on banana sundaes.”

There was a moment of silence as Rarity and Applejack tried to wrap their heads around that sentence and decided that they’d rather not think too hard about what deviant dreams their bookish friend had.

“Okay, so, uhm … I actually need your help too.” Spike added, tapping his claws together nervously. “I … uhm … got a letter from Velvet, Twilight’s mom. Apparently Trixie and somepony called Sunset used an older copy of Twilight’s translated Neighponese Spells, the ones that were supposed to be destroyed because the spells were flawed?”

“Ah remember those dang things. Took me a week fer mah eyes to go right, turned mah peepers as big as watermelons.” Applejack shuddered, remember that horrible, horrible time. “But ah wonder how one of them scrolls survived? Twilight went all fire an’ brimstone on them, first time ah’ve ever seen Twi burnin’ a book.”.

“At least all you needed was some eye-drops every few hours.” Rarity sniffed, running a hoof through her mane nervously. "My poor mane and tail turned a horrid shade of yellow, and stuck out everywhere in spikes! It was just terrible!”

“Yeah, the problem is that Velvet sent them here … and neither one of them has more than a hoof-ful of bits to their names. They’re going to be crashing in the library until Twilight can fix the spell … but Velvet forgot to mention that Twilight is off on a camping-trip with Luna.” The baby Dragon explained, trying to draw the pair of Ponies back on topic. “Twilight said that Trixie’s a lot better than she was when she got possessed by the Alicorn Amulet, but it’s still Trixie, and a lot of Ponies are gonna be upset with her still. So when the train pulls into Ponyville tomorrow morning, it’s gonna be … fun.”

“Fiiiiiine. Ah getcha, Spike, you need us an’ our friends to ask the other Ponies of Ponyville to give Trixie the Loud an’ Obnoxious a chance, right?”

“Sunset … Sunset … I swore I’ve heard Twilight mention that name somewhere …” Rarity muttered, tapping a hoof against her chin in thought. “For the life of me, I know I’ve heard that name. Perhaps it’s merely the late hour …”

“Rarity, sugar-cube, it’s only sunset …” Applejack pointed out.

“Well, yes, but I had a late night the night before, I had to push several pieces through before going on our little trip into the Everfree, Appljack dear.” The Unicorn explained. “And of course, Sweetie-Belle-proofing my shop so she couldn’t try to … help … again.”

“Okay, ah’ll give you that last one. Look, Spike, I’ve plumb got a load of work to catch up tomorrow, but you jus’ send Rainbow Dash over when she wakes up, let me an’ the others know when Trixie an’ this ‘Sunset’ show up, an’ we’ll do our best to get the towns-ponies to give ‘em a chance.”

“Hey, that’s all anypony can ask for. We’ll get them settled in the library, maybe all they need is Twilight’s updated spell-scrolls to fix themselves, you know, the ones she wrote after figuring out she’d mis-translated several lines?”

Distracted, the two Ponies and baby Dragon missed the signs of Rainbow Dash waking up, probably as much from the loud voices right ontop of her as anything else, before a pair of blue hooves shot out, grabbed Spike by the cheeks mid-sentence and dragged his face down to hers.

“TWILIGHT IS A LESBIAN!” Rainbow Dash shouted, wild-eyed and frantic, before fainting away with a limb draped over her face in a fashion that made Rarity proud, if annoyed that the Pegasus was muscling in on her act.

It was an awkward silence as Spike gingerly re-covered Rainbow Dash with the blanket and all three quietly backed away out of hoof-range in case Rainbow Dash decided on a repeat performance.

“Twilight’s a les-brian?” Spike asked, looking confused and wondering why the other two Ponies suddenly started spluttering. “Is that like a Thespian? Is Twilight gonna put on a show?”

“Oh lawdy, I ain’t touchin’ that one with a ten foot pole.” Applejack muttered, pulling her Stetson hat down over her face to hide her blush.

“Ah … well Spike, do you know Lyra and Bon-Bon?” Rarity offered, trying her best to not burst into hysterical giggles as her mind rebelled against common sense, conjuring up an image of Twilight and Luna in a theatre, performing a song and dance routine about how they became lesbians together to the thunderous applause of the Canterlot Elite.

“Oh, you mean Twilight’s kissing other Mares now? Well, that’s okay. At least she’s finally kissing something, other than Celestia’s ass.” Spike replied without pause, causing the two Mares to shoot each other nervous looks.

She might not be kissing Celestia’s ‘ass’, but you have no idea what she’s getting up to with Luna’s!

“Ah, no, well, Spike y’see, when two Ponies love each other, sometimes they … uhm … do things to each other. Things a … well let’s leave it at that, you’re a mite too young to be told these things …” Applejack stammered, refusing to meet the baby Dragon’s gaze.

“Okay, now you’re sounding just like Twilight when I asked why Mrs Cake likes carrying Mr Cake around on her back so much that she had to keep saying “Yes!” real enthusiastically over and over again.”

Ashen-faced and feeling a roiling ball of coldness in the pit of her stomach, Applejack turned to Rarity, hoping her friend would have something, some technique or knowledge of how to deflect the conversation to less dangerous, and horrifying, directions when she saw the white Unicorn making a mad dash for the front door.

“Well it’s been nice seeing you and everything Spike but Ireallyhavetobegoinghomenowbye!” Rarity half-yelled, half-laughed as she disappeared out the doorway so fast she was just a blur of purple and white.

“Rarity, you bitch!” Applejack shouted at the retreating flash of colour as a determined young Dragon grabbed her by the tail and demanded to know what was so wrong about piggy-back rides as the Farm-Mare took off after her ‘friend’, leaving the comatose Rainbow Dash alone in the library.