Author's Notes:

Hello all, Giant_Neckbeard attempting my very first MLP:FIM Fanfiction, centered around two of my favourite characters, Twilight Sparkle and Princess Luna.

The story is going to be touching on some, well, touchy subjects, pun not intended, such as straight ponies falling in love with their own gender, bastard children, religious intolerance, Molestia and nations going to war.

I'm looking for proof-readers, editors and generally anyone who has five minutes to rub together, quickly go over my stuff and say "That's stupid, that's retarded, this needs to be changed!" and ensure I don't derp this up again.

Some of you might know me from the Fluffybooru Boards, where I tried to bring Love and Tolerance and failed miserably, so I'm back to the saner parts of the Internet for my own mental health. If I am/have violated any part of the Site Rules, I don't think I have but I have likely missed something, please let me know asap so it can be changed and brought into line with those rules. Not too good at BBC coding, but I am using The Writer's Group BBC Guide to try an keep up.

Anyways, thank you for stepping in to look over my work, and thank you for any comments you may leave. Be ruthless with your critique, so that I can continue to get better at this and hopefully be more entertaining that I was before.

The Usual Disclaimer:

The following is a work of parody, and is protected as Fair Use under section 17 U.S. Code § 107 of US Copyright Law. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and all affiliated characters are property of Hasbro Inc.

I own nothing. All characters, settings and other belong to their respective owners. This is purely a fan-work with no intent towards profit, slander or harm towards the characters, settings or other, or their respective owners. If the respective owners feel that this fan-work in any way, shape or form threatens or besmirches their property, please let me know so that it be can be removed asap.

Please support the show.

CHAPTER 1

Three weeks ....

Celestia's Beard, it seemed like such a long time to Twilight Sparkle. Three weeks of only being able to talk to her friends through short letters that she managed to send to Spike through a variation of the same spell that Celestia used for the Friendship Reports.

Necessity had forced Twilight to learn the 'Flame-Scroll' spell because the very first letter she had sent to Rarity had been stolen from the mail-box by one of Canterlot's Mail-mares and sold for a small fortune to the magazines in Canterlot. Unfortunately, she’d gone through six vials of Dragon-Fire sending and receiving mail from her friends, and the scarcity of the stuff had stopped her from sending more letters, especially with her current predicament meaning she was unable to leave the castle to quietly buy more.

"Princess of Friendship unsure of her abilities!" was one of the least embarrassing headlines that came out of that nightmare. It still confused and angered Twilight that a dozen different magazines come up with a dozen different stories all from a single letter? She knew the media was scandal-hungry to sell their newpapers and magazines, but she had always expected the articles to have some sort of journalistic method to them. What had happened to her was just out-and-out lying couched in journalistic ‘rights’ that the Royal Lawyers said would cost a fortune to fight for the truth, and would only result in a ‘slap on the wrist’ fine for the lying bas … incompetent journalists.

Not that everything was going well for her now anyways ... Princess Celestia had barely had time to talk to Twilight, since the Gryphon Tribes had immediately demanded to know what the presence of a Fourth Alicorn meant for the already unstable treaty between Equestria and their own country, the United States of Gryphonia, openly beginning ‘military exercises’ on the borders between the two Nations before Celestia had flexed her ‘Princess’ muscles and called down a Solar Flare on a mountain next to their capital when the Gryphon Army got a touch too close to the border itself.

And then the Princess had had to go to the Everfree Forest personally to handle the rather surly brood of a Hydra that Twilight had met over a year ago, an especially hungry and surly brood that had been attacking Ponies along the many rivers and streams that lead out of the Everfree Forest, leaving Twilight alone but for Princess Luna and an army of smiling, faceless servant-ponies.

Luna ... Twilight sighed despondently and started running complex magical formulae through her mind, trying to think of anything but that morning.

The 'Clack' incident. The moment when Luna had ordered Twilight to stay in her quarters and study up on the cultural quirks of the Nobility. It was almost like being under house arrest, she wasn't allowed to go anywhere near the throne room or Luna's quarters, and she was forbidden to speak about the 'incident' to anyone!

Twilight remember the moment when everything had gone horribly wrong all too well. It was the fifteenth day after Princess Celestia and the White-Stripes Regiment of the Royal Guard had left to drive back the swarm of Baby Hydras slithering out of the Everfree Forest, and just before the sun was due to rise, Luna and Twilight, already tired after an overlong shift involving most of the day before and all of the night covering for the missing Princess, the two had settled down in Luna's room so the Princess of the Night could explain the basics of Dream-Walking, when the inevitable started to happen.

Without the constant yammering of the Nobility, or the constantly glaring presence of the Guard-Ponies, seated on a thick, warm rug with a fire blazing nearby and no sleep for almost a full day, both of them started to nod off with their horns still charged with magic.

She'd been half-asleep at the time, thinking "No, must ... stay awake! Luna ... will be disa ... disappointed if I ... fall asleep ..." as her head started to tilt forwards, and then she felt something clack against the very tip of her horn.

Then everything went out of control.

Twilight could feel every hair on her body, from the long strands of her tail to the short, soft hairs on her face stand on end as a strange magic shot through her body from her horn and back again.

And the source of the 'strange' magic had been Luna herself, the contact of the tips of their horns and the magic contained within the Lunar Princess's horn surging into Twilight. And from the look on Luna's face, she was also being 'charged' with Twilight's own newly augmented magic.

There were two facts about the 'Clack' incident, as Twilight had come to call the moment when the warm, often 'adorkable' friendship between herself and Luna had shattered like so much fine porcelain, two facts that made no sense to the new Alicorn.

The first was that not only did the sudden influx of 'other' Magic not cause pain, as the sudden invasion of a foreign energy-wave should have been, rather it seemed to revitalize her like not even the quintuple-strength espresso shots she and Luna had been chugging all day long had been able to do.

The second was that Twilight could also feel the strange surge travelling through Luna's body as well. It was ... like seeing a mirror image, but she was 'seeing' it with every fibre of her, and Luna's, body.

It had only gone on for a few seconds at most, both Mares sitting there, muscles locked, mouths open in silent 'O's of surprise, before Luna jerked her head back, blinking furiously before giving a startled meep that would have made Fluttershy proud and scooted away, holding a hoof to her mouth in shock.

Looking back, Twilight realised now that leaping up after Luna, firing off a barrage of questions without pausing for breath and not giving Luna any personal space after an event that made the Lunar Princess shy away was probably one of her most bone-headed mistakes to date.

And of course, then she just had to mention what had happened to their horns ... Twilight could still see Luna's pupils shrinking to pin-pricks as the older Alicorn looked up at their horns and gasped.

Twilight's horn had a small speck of Luna's midnight black-blue colouration on the very tip, and in turn, Luna had a tiny spot of purple on hers.

Then Luna had absolutely no compunctions about laying her hooves on Twilight, shoving the newest Princess into Luna’s own private bathroom and insisting that Twilight not leave until she had covered up the 'spark-mark' with a generous coating of makeup, then had unceremoniously pushed Twilight out of her chambers and insisted that 'Mrs Sparkle' be escorted to her quarters immediately, and that Court for the next day was cancelled.

It had been five days now, and while Luna had supposedly re-joined the Court, Twilight was still confined to quarters until Princess Celestia came back.

Was it something I said? Is there some sort of Royal protocol I broke? Did Luna think I was attacking her? Twilight groaned as she paced a circle of her room for the thirteen hundredth time.

Yes, she was keeping count. She had also banged her head against the wall sixty-eight times trying to rattle her brain into coming up with a working plan to patch up their friendship, attempted to send a letter of apology to Luna no less than eighty-seven times before the Guards told her in no uncertain terms that Luna was shunting the letters into a pocket dimension as soon as they appeared, and by now Twilight has gone through a dozen crates of chalk and two chalk-boards trying to make a chart of possible causes for the mutual surges of magical energy through each other's horns.

So all she could do was wait till Celestia returned, which should be early tomorrow morning, and try to not have another of her panic attacks, which meant Twilight had to distract herself as much as possible. Until then, all Twilight could do was keep going through these old scrolls from the History Wing of the library, and see if any of these ancient treaties on the Royal Equestrain Protocols would give her an insight into what she'd done to offend Luna so badly!

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Luna struggled to maintain a calm, regal expression as she deliberated on the matter at hoof before her. Two of the lesser Noble Families of Canterlot had been feuding constantly for the past seven years about ownership of a small property on the outskirts of Canterlot's market district, and now the matter was to be dealt with by the Royal Court, after being passed through every other level of mediation available!

Their conflict at least offered a distraction from the ... confusion that Luna had had to endure stoically over the past few days.

Sparking! With Twilight Sparkle, of all Ponies! Her very first friend in this new, bohemian era, her Sister's beloved personal student to boot, and they had done something so ... so embarrassing! Luna was both looking forward to and dreading in equal measures Tia's return to Canterlot.

Hopefully Celestia, or 'Tia' to Luna, would be able to resolve the issue delicately. Right now, Luna could scarcely bear to be in the same room as Twilight, her embarrassment was so great. And Twilight was so innocent, she had no idea what had occurred between them that night! How could Luna tell Twilight what had happened without ruining their friendship?

So all Luna felt she could do was put on a brave face and hold down the fort until her elder, and hopefully wiser, Sister returned. Unfortunately, that meant dealing with aggravating duties such as the court-case before her.

The Golden Hooves and the Amber Swirls had been through every other level of Equestria’s legal systems, fighting their battles in bitterly contested court-battles, levelling accusations, claim and counter-claim at each other every step of the way, most of which were spurious at best and down-right slanderous at worst, with whispers of sabotage, scandal and vandalism that had sapped the once-great wealth of both families.

Mediation was a waste of time, as soon as the core members of both families were in the same room without a sizeable number of the Canterlot Guards nearby, it descended into a gigantic slanging match, or as displayed during the last incident, costing several thousand bits of repairs to the nearby businesses when the two families had bumped into each other in the street, and the collateral damage from their magical duels had shattered windows, terrified the customers and staff, and had even set the interiors of several shops on fire.

"... and so, your Majesty, it is without a doubt my family who should be compensated for our time and ..."

"Slanderous, conniving, common-born upstart! My family owned that shop for generations, while yours worked in ..."

"Order in the Court!" The Senschenal shouted, and was promptly ignored by the two families, who abandoned any pretence of 'nobility' and jumped to their hooves, hurling insults and cups of coffee or water at each other.

Note to self: Ponies are only to be given disposable plastic cups in court. Luna thought to herself, desperately resisting the urge to burst into laughter as two particularly infuriated Unicorns threw their cups at each other at the exact same time and gave each other matching black eyes.

" ... wouldn't know what hard work was if it came up and bucked you in the ..."

"ORDER!" The Senschenal screamed now, turning a shade of purple that would have made a turnip proud.

"...your thugs attacked my cousin, you black-hearted ..."

" ... and your mother needs to grow eyes in the back of her head, so she can ..."

Finally Luna decided she, and the Court itself, had heard enough, and more importantly, that she was worried that the long-suffering Senschenal was about to have a rage-induced coronary on the spot, and so slammed her hoof down on the pedestal, then again with far more force, when the two families ignored her, red-faced and spitting, pointing hooves and glowing horns accusingly at each other.

"Oh for the love of ... STILL THINE TONGUES!" Luna roared in frustration, slipping back into the 'Royal Canterlot Voice', nearly deafening the poor Guards in front of her and immediately silencing the two bickering families and the muttering crowd. "Enough, enough, ENOUGH! I think the entire Court has heard enough of your antics to realise that between the lot of you, not one single Pony amongst either the Golden Hooves or the Amber Swirls possesses the maturity or grace to settle this matter peacefully!"

"But your majesty, we have ..."

"They have no right to our ..."

"SILENCE! I have spent the better part of last night going over this case and have consulted with the Royal Archivists on the matter as well. Since neither party can prove one way or the other who the original owners deeded the shop to, as well as your display today, in addition to the dozens of violent altercations between your families and employees in public, it has been made abundantly clear that if one side received ownership of the property in dispute, the other side would stop at nothing to ruin them." Luna snapped, pounding the pedestal again until order was restored as the Amber Swirls and Golden Hooves all leapt up to proclaim their rights and innocence. "In which case, as a member of the Royal Family and in accordance with Article 26, Paragraph 35 of the Disputed Property by-laws, 'in the case where neither party is capable of providing undeniable proof of ownership, the property shall default to the crown'."

In the deathly silence of the Court, Luna rose from her throne and fixed her best 'Nightmare Moon' glare on the two feuding Noble families, all of whom were staring back at her, doing their best impressions of stunned goldfish. "Thus, the property shall default to the Crown. My sister and I shall find suitable tenants to occupy the building, and they will not be harassed, am I clear? In addition, I am fining both the Golden Hooves and the Amber Swirl families a sum of ten thousand bits each for tarnishing the dignity of the Nobility with this feuding, the total sum of which shall be distributed to the Ponies whom have been caught up in your fighting as compensation for damages and lost business. Furthermore, I am placing restraining orders on the family-members and staff of both families, preventing either side from going within 100 feet of the property, the ponies who will inhabit it or the properties and owners of the businesses you have damaged with your feuding."

You could have heard a pin drop in the silence as the Golden Hooves and Amber Swirls stared at her, mouths working silently in rage or horror ... then the rest of the Court started to murmur, and Luna felt her heart sink as she wondered if perhaps she had let her heart lead, rather than her head.

Then the assorted Nobles and Common-Ponies of Canterlot started clapping and cheering for Luna as the white faces of the two Noble Families turned pink with embarrassment or purple with rage.

"The Princess will hear of this outrage!" An older Unicorn from the Golden Hooves family shouted angrily as the Royal Guard moved in and ushered the two Noble families out through separate doors.

"A Princess has, Almond of the Golden Hooves." Luna replied back, loudly and tartly, which set the Court to more laughter. A cheap shot, and possibly one beneath her station, but damn did it feel good to finally get one over on these scheming, back-stabbing Nobles that Tia had let infest Equestria...

"Recorder, I want a full copy of this session ready for my sister when she returns." Luna whispered to the Pony in charge of keeping written records of each court-case, who was franticly pounding away at her typewriter and barely nodded before reaching for a fresh batch of paper to obey the command. "The last thing my sister needs is to have the Nobles trying to rile her up ... I'm certain she's had quite enough excitement for a while dealing with the Hydra Spawn."

"Your Highness, we have three more cases to deal with before Court ends for the day." One of the Day Guard murmured softly, his eyes not leaving the crowd. "Do you wish us to suspend Court for ten minutes, so you may have a moment to yourself, or do you wish to continue?"

Luna paused and looked out at the crowd of Ponies, all whispering and talking and looking at her ...

Yes, ten minutes alone sounded perfectly divine right now.

"Please apologise to the Ponies, but I will need a few minutes to clear my mind and be impartial for the next cases." Luna replies in an equally soft voice, having to wait and endure the lengthy shuffle as Court was dismissed for ten minutes, and every Pony tried to leave at once, resulting in a bottle-neck at every entrance.

"Dawn Ray, do we still have any of Pony Joe's triple-glazed masterpieces left?" Luna whispered as the day's 'commander' of Royal Guard escorted her from the chamber. "I have a sudden craving for something sweet after all the sour grapes we have just endured."

When the corner of the Guard's mouth quirked upwards in a smirk for a split second, Luna blamed it on a waking dream due her lack of sleep over the past two weeks.

"Yes, your Highness. Eight boxes worth, in fact." Dawn Ray murmured as they passed through a door hidden at the back of the throne room behind a thick, dark-red velvet drape, with a dozen Guard ponies sitting around, holding cups of coffee and rummaging through the boxes. "Or ... we had some doughnuts."

"Yuh-your Highness!" "At attention!" Several of the Guards actually tried to stand at attention, still holding their cups of coffee in their hooves and with donuts hanging out their mouths, almost burning themselves in the process, and one poor Stallion seemed to be choking on his meal!

"Please, no, there is no need." Luna tried to say with as much control as she could, but she couldn't help but chuckle as one Guard leaned over and slapped his choking comrade so hard on the back that the remaining donut in his mouth shot forwards and stuck to the breastplate of another Guard.

Yet despite all this, as soon as the Guards had assumed their positions, they were stone-faced except for the very faintest pink colouration to their faces and dustings of powdered sugar and sprinkles on their mouths.

"Ahem ... yes. As We, ah, my apologies, I was saying, there is no need for formality, gentlemen." Luna started again, desperately trying to keep a straight face and not laugh at the poor ponies. "I merely came here for some of Pony Joe's famous donuts, and then I shall depart."

"Yes, your majesty!" The Guards barked as one, marching in lockstep away from the boxes, and it was all Luna could do not to roll her eyes and face-hoof.

I understand their training requires them to be stoic and unwavering, but would it truly be such a burden to simply say “yes.” like a normal Pony every now and again? Luna thought to herself as she walked over to the boxes, frowning as she saw that almost every one of the boxes was empty but for crumbs.

Each one of Pony Joe's deluxe boxes contained 2 dozen of his finest donuts ... and yet somehow twelve Stallions had finished off over a hundred and fifty donuts.

I wonder if Tia would let me insist on diets for all of them. And an additional lap around Canterlot for a week. Those were MY donuts! Luna thought, half jealous, half envious as she lifted the lids of each box, glaring at the empty spaces therein. If she ate that many donuts in one setting, Alicorn metabolism or no, she'd go as round as a beach-ball in the space of a day, yet the Guards didn't look bloated at all. Damn them ...

On the final, and seventh box, she found a solitary donut waiting at the bottom of the box, and felt a momentary surge of panic as she took a closer look at it.

The Sun-be-damned donut had the exact colouration as the source of her vexation, Twilight Sparkle! The first layer of glazing had the same lavender-purple colouration, while the second layer of glazing had a much darker shade of purple reminiscent of Twilight’s mane, with pink sprinkles running across the surface of the donut in an amazingly accurate attempt to replicate the new Alicorn Princess's hair-style on one side of the donut, and her cutie-mark on the other.

Is there truly no way to escape this ... this entanglement? Luna thought to herself crossly, even as her magic gripped the delicious pastry.

Levitating the donut out of the box, Luna flipped the lid over ... and sighed.

Mane Six Donut Special! The box proclaimed loudly, featuring six donuts, all bearing the colouration of the six 'Elements' of Harmony in athletic poses. Taste the Elements of Harmonious Flavour!

Oh ... whatever. Luna was hungry, and quite frankly, she needed the sugar to be able to function during the next few cases at the level her subjects deserved. Sleep was a precious commodity at the best of times, and with Tia absent and her work-load now effectively doubled, Luna was relying upon magical sleep spells to ensure she slept deeply and untroubled by the dreams of her subjects, a grievous blow to her morale as things stood to begin with, and copious amounts of caffeine and sugar to get through the day left her feeling jittery all day long.

"Hmm ... grape flavoured? No ... maybe boysenberry?" Luna wondered aloud as she ate with dainty bites, trying without much success to keep the mental image of her 'eating' Twilight out of her mind, and blessing Mother Earth that her dark fur mostly masked any blushing she might be suffering from.

Luna may have been on the moon for the past one thousand years, but that didn't mean she was ignorant of what Ponies got up to behind closed doors. She had been the Goddess of Night, and that included all things Ponies did during the night, even if some of those things were emotionally confusing to Luna.

Dreams especially were her forte, hence Luna being put forth as Twilight Sparkle's mentor for Dream-Walking, but still to wander through the dreamscape these days tested her resolve in many ways. Ponies were very ... their expressions of love were much less confined than she thought they would have been, especially when compared to the attitudes of her era.

The taste of grape on her tongue, and the colouration of the pasty in her hooves, brought Luna to blushing as she recalled several Dreams she had been caught up in, struggling against the lusts and dream-scapes of several Mares who had, of all things, desired her as a bed-mate. Her cheeks flushed harder as her rebellious mind conjured an image of Twilight Sparkle, her slender form prone and vulnerable beneath Luna's own ...

No! NO! I am no filly-fooler! I am ... not that way ... it’s not right for a Princess to behave so, right? Luna thought, beating the images down and imagining the coming cases, which thankfully drowned out any arousal she might have felt, but the thoughts of how Equestrain society had changed so drastically in the thousand years of her banishment settled over her like a mental shroud.

Tia's maids, for example, had very beautiful maid outfits, but the cut of the dress left very ... little to the imagination, especially when one walked behind said Maids. And Celestia flatly refused to discuss why the maids required such outfits to be in her service!

And why do ponies need to wear clothing in the first place? Luna thought wryly as she finished off the last of the donut, realising with a start that the Guards were all staring at her.

"Yes? Is there something on my face?" Luna asks nervously, suddenly aware of the silence.

"You've ... ah ... got a little bit of 'Twilight' on your lips still, your Highness." One of the Guards stuttered, and Luna brought a hoof up to her

... Twilight on your lips ... The words echoed through Luna's mind, making her blink rapidly and quickly wipe at her face with a foreleg.

"Ah, my thanks, Guard." Luna smiled nervously at the guards, mind working franticly. "It would not do to go before our subjects with grape jam on my face!"

"Just so, your Highness." Dawn Ray remarked with a deadpan look. "I must remain behind to have a short … talk … with the men, please, return to your duties, Your Highness, I will be along shortly."

Fed with a sizeable amount sweet pastry, and now not a little bit self-conscious as the gazes of the Guards that now seemed fixed on her face, Luna nodded and moved as fast as she could while still maintaining her regal bearing back to the Court.

Come home soon, sister dear! I am not meant for this sort of thing! Luna prayed as she returned to her throne, the Court already refilling with Ponies that she was now convinced knew of her internal conflicts, and perhaps a smudge of grape jam on her lips.

Twilight on your lips ...

"Oh be silent, thy vexatious voice ..." Luna muttered as the Senschenal began reading out the names of the Ponies whose case she would be overseeing next.

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"Did you see the way she lapped up the jam?"

"Jam? Try the way she was nibbling like that on the end of the donut. Thank the Sun for these codpieces!"

"Uh ... how old is she again?"

"Well, Cadence got married ... I guess the Princesses can ... well, you know!"

"RIGHT!" Dawn Ray snapped, glaring at his men, who suddenly remembered a veteran and senior officer was amongst them, snapping back to their parade stances, but this time with large beads of sweat that ran down their necks and faces. "I hear one more word about any of the Princesses in that tone of conversation come out of your mouths, I will personally buck you in the head so hard your grandfathers' cutie marks will fall off."

"So the Princess really likes jam filled donuts. So her way of eating them is ... reminiscent of a certain act." Dawn Ray growled, fixing each Guard with an angry look as he marched down the line. "Need I remind you of your oaths, to protect and serve, to honour and defend, unto death and beyond? Such attitudes are hardly conductive to Princess Luna's honour, nor does it serve her to have members of the Royal Guards look upon her like that!"

"Princess Luna has been absent from Equestria for a thousand years, and has been involved in countless meetings with private tutors for most of the past two years to bring her up to speed on the cultural reformations Equestria has undergone in her absence. She has barely left the castle in that time but for ceremonial duties, and has had almost no contact with her subjects but the staff and Guards of Canterlot Castle itself, and certainly no contact with the sorts of Mares you are all envisioning!" The greying Guard snapped as he turned and went back down the line again, glaring hard at the Guards. "If you cannot keep your minds from taking up residence under your tails, turn in your armour right here and now and leave Canterlot with all due haste. Otherwise, the Guard Corps expects you to act like grown Stallions, not Colts who just learned about the Birds and the Bees! We will not be having this discussion again ..."

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