Ponies. Ponies everywhere. And one dragon. Malesco had no idea what to do. At least he was living in a friendly nightmare. This was certainly an odd place. There were lots of things for human hands and even things made for humans, but there were no humans. And none of the ponies seemed to know what a pony was. There were minotaurs though, and they had hands. And fingers.

His first night had been spent in the basement of the library tree. It was now the second day, and Malesco was trying to work up the courage to go upstairs. He was supposed to meet somebody named Princess Celestia today and there was supposed to be some sort of party.

Pinkie Pie was throwing the party. She had been the last pony to leave home for the night. She had stayed until it was nearly midnight, asking a million questions, being something of a nuisance, and doing everything she could to make Malesco feel better. The pink pony had balloons on her backside, which Malesco found odd. Most ponies had marks on their backsides. Some kind of brand.

They were sapient creatures, most of whom were naked, and some of them wore clothing. Which was very puzzling. They understood the concepts of nudity and modesty, at least some of them did anyway. Everything about their society seemed puzzling.

Malesco had never been bothered by seeing animals naked, he had never really noticed, but these ponies were different. They talked. Had thoughts. Had feelings. And they were naked. All around him was the exposed genitalia of sapient creatures.

Everything felt dirty.

---

Pony tubs and pony showers were entirely too small. This was a problem. All around him there were ponies that stood at waist height, nose to crotch, and he was worried about getting a little ripe down there. Malesco wasn’t the tallest person back on his world, and he understood all to well walking around at nose to armpit level. The last thing he needed was a pony sniffing him and telling him he stunk.

He had fled the library, knowing there were bodies of water around here. All he had to do was find a private little stretch of stream or a lake or something. As he strolled through town, ponies watched him curiously. Some waved. He waved back. Others ran and hid. He tried to smile and make as though everything was okay.

His stomach rumbled as he walked. He had slipped out of the library without Twilight Sparkle or her dragon noticing him. He hadn’t eaten anything for a while.

He crossed the bridge, the one he had crossed when entering town, and then followed the stream into the nearby woods. It seemed peaceful enough. There were bees, butterflies, and birds flying everywhere. Everything was serene and calm.

This place was almost a little too perfect.

Finally, he found what appeared to be an ideal spot. The water was deep enough, not too cold, and seemed private enough for a quick dip. He didn’t have any soap, so a clean water scrubbing would have to do.

He took off his clothing, folded it, set it on a rock, and then splashed into the water, which was navel deep. He gasped from the initial feeling of the cool water, but after adjusting, it wasn’t so bad. He squatted down in the water to give himself a good dunk, soaking his hair and his face.

He scrubbed at himself with his hands, trying to at least get a little clean. He was about to meet some princess after all. He felt a little self conscious. His hair hadn’t been trimmed for a while and his sideburns were bushy. He couldn’t grow a proper beard, nothing grew on his chin, but his sideburns were impressive.

“Hi!”

The voice was painfully familiar.

Pinkie Pie stood on on the shore, wearing human clothing, which didn’t fit her very well. She was beaming, a wide smile on her face, her eyes bright with mischief and maybe a little mayhem.

“Your clothes look funny on me,” Pinkie Pie chirped.

“I, uh, need those back if you don’t mind,” Malesco whined.

“You’ll have to catch me,” Pinkie Pie teased.

“No… no no no! Look, I am not comfortable being naked!” Malesco pleaded.

“Well, no time like the present to work on that!” Pinkie Pie quipped. She turned tail and took off running.

“PINKIE PIE!” Malesco screamed, climbing up out of the water. He sputtered with anger and took off running after the laughing mare.

---

It was hard to run with your hands covering your junk Malesco realised as he hit the edge of town, chasing after the pilfering pink pony that had purloined his pants. Ponies stared at him and began to laugh.

Well, at least they aren’t running away scared he said to himself.

Pinkie Pie was much faster than he thought she would be. She boinged away, not really running, more of a stiff legged bounce. She lept over a fence with relative ease and kept going, giggle-snorting with wild abandon.

Malesco had to throw his arms wide to keep his balance as he hurdled the fence, leaving himself terribly exposed. Once he landed, he clutched himself again. A group of the winged ponies sitting on clouds overhead were bellowing with laughter.

“You could have at least left me a sock!” Malesco shouted.

“What fun would there be in that?” Pinkie replied, and then turning around a blowing a raspberry at Malesco.

“When I get my hands on you!” Malesco bellowed.

Pinkie Pie shot under a wagon and then over a pile of hay. Malesco had to go around the wagon and the pile of hay, both hands still firmly covering his dangly bits. The pink pony had gone too far.

“Oh look, the mostly hairless simian creature is chasing Pinkie Pie,” a winged pony shouted.

“Good luck catching her!” Another shouted, snorting derisively. “Nopony in their right mind wants that.”

Ahead of him was a large group of ponies and a large pavilion had been set up. There were streamers and balloons and…

Malesco began to curse as he realised he had followed Pinkie Pie right to his own party, completely and utterly naked. He gritted his teeth and resolved to make the pink pony pay.

He came to a lurching halt, a large white pony with a horn and wings staring at him. She was tall enough to look him in the eye easily.

“Hello Malesco Vino. Twilight Sparkle has told me so much about you,” Princess Celestia said, a faint smile upon her lips.

“Uh, hi. How are you doing? That pony stole my clothes,” Malesco tried to explain.

“Did she now. Do you want to punish her?” Princess Celestia asked, suddenly very serious.

“Well, maybe a little,” Malesco admitted.

“How interesting. Do you want to hurt my little pony?” Princess Celestia questioned.

Oh no Malesco realised. “No, nothing like that, just a few words with her will be just fine,” he whispered, still clutching his junk and now looking miserable. His stomach rumbled.

“Or perhaps you want to eat her for her crimes,” Princess Celestia accused. “Tell me, do you want to have a delicious meal of meat, fresh off of the hoof?”

“Um, -urp- nope, no thank you,” Malesco said, feeling queasy. His stomach lurched and rumbled again.

“You sound hungry. Maybe you just want to carve off a leg and leave her alive. Would that be a bit more to your liking?”

“Ulph, mmmph, nulf hulf,” Malesco gagged. Without warning, he spewed violently all over Princess Celestia. Thankfully his stomach was mostly empty and contained nothing more than bile. He fell to his hands and knees, kneeling before the big white pony.

“I am a vegetarian,” Malesco gasped, and then dry heaved a few times.

Princess Celestia stood unmoving, seemingly unconcerned about being covered in vomit. “I had to make sure Malesco. I am old enough to remember humans here before, and their cruelty. Pinkie Pie stole your clothing because I asked her to goad you into becoming angry somehow. I had to see how you would react,” the large white pony explained.

“I am against harming animals or animal testing… I don’t wear leather, I try not to use any animal byproducts. And no, I am not trying to call you all animals, I am just trying to explain how I am, how I was back home,” Malesco explained, still heaving violently. He felt himself being covered in a blanket. He looked up at Princess Celestia. She was smiling kindly down at him, now somehow clean.

“You are welcome to stay here until such a time we can figure out how to send you home. Should you not want to go home, you are still welcome to stay here. Do not betray my trust. Please. I want to believe that one of your kind can be good,” Princess Celestia proclaimed.

“And now, we can party!” Pinkie Pie chirped. “After we get you cleaned up and dressed again. Want my help?”

“Ugh,” Malesco grunted in reply.