Chapter 10 Alt Title: Trapped in a Bubble for the Second Time in My Life

After leaving Auric's world, I decided to do something very, very silly: I decided to visit Teridax's Universe, just to scope out any potential weaknesses. The first thing that entered my mind when I got in was:

'Huh...this isn't Mount Canterlot'

The second was:

'Oh holy shit, yes. I get to kill Tirek'

And I did. Not even a twenty foot tall, demonic centaur can survive being dissipated into the Void. After doing a little victory dance, I ported over to Canterlot to touch base with the Princesses. There was a lot of screaming involved. A few hours later, I searched the shadows all across this Equestria and promptly found Teridax's now not-so-secret hideout in a mountain.

I waltzed inside, didn't notice anyone, then felt a really sharp blow to my head and was knocked the fuck out. My last thoughts:

'Jesus Christ, how the hell?'

What I think was a few hours later, I found my shadowy ass waking up in a blindingly bright room with no other shadows save me, fully corporeal, with a giant, twenty or so feet tall, Makuta Teridax glaring at me with a...oh shit...Midak Skyblaster.

If you don't know what that is: imagine a rocket launcher themed device that launches balls of compressed light. Those hurt...a lot.

As soon as I began to wake up, I heard a voice that sounded like a rusty chainsaw skull-fucking an angry tractor on meth...what? Nah, it was just deep, menacing, and slightly robotic.

“Wake up, little shadow.”

My oh so eloquent reply:

“Ugggghhhh…. Ah jeez, the hell just happened? Fuck, feels like I got hit with a hammer...”

Give me a break, I was still delirious. Which I hadn't been since...some months ago when I nearly faded from magic overusage. Wow. Was it really that short a time?

Teridax spoke up again, his voice strangely attractive...like you hate hime, but you can't help but notice that his voice'd be really good at seducing people in any other situation...kinda like Batman's voice...but not Batman since he's a giant robot.

“How very accurate, mr. Now then, I’ll be asking you some questions. I expect the truth, and nothing but the truth. I’ll know if you’re lying.”

'Oh...he's going to play interrogator? Fine...I'll play along for now...after all, he's got that terrifying absorption thing he does...don't want to die yet.'

“Makuta Teridax...I did something stupid again didn’t I? Don’t answer that, I already know I wasn’t exactly being subtle about my...escapades...that’s a word, right?”

He started carving into my arm with a goddamn laser pointer then. That shit hurts when I'm corporeal. Then he answered.

“Yes, you uncultured moron. Now, first things first. Your name?”

'Hey, escapades is a word after all, good to know. Oh right, my answer'

“Ah...aaaagghhh...that hurts a bit...ow ow ow. Okay, ngh, first: I do know culture, I just don’t act like it. Ghaaaaa. Second: Thank you; I’m afraid I haven’t read a dictionary in a while, and not talking to many people in the Void has made some words slip my mind. Third: I’ve been to a Bionicle Universe, I recognized that mask, I know it’s pointless to lie. Fourth: My name is Umbra Shadow-Walker. I wish I could say it’s nice to meet you...but it really isn’t. Nice set up by the way, very well thought out.”

Yeah, not my best response, but laser pointers are painful when corporeal. He looked satisfied, so I began to relax... until his next question.

“Thank you. Now, next question: does Auric… love the trollop he’s married?”

'Hoo...what a question... jeez...let's go with impartial, but positive...

“I honestly don’t know, but...judging from what I tried to ignore when I left, I’d say so yes...you’re going to try to kill her, ain’tcha? Huh...standard villain tactic number 338: Go for the loved ones. Ah well, can’t beat the classics, right?”

'God, what the hell am I saying, oh my god, I sound like a pushover...time to spin this in my direction...you with me, author?

YES

Teridax gave no indication that he heard any of that...so I plotted...and I planned...and I made damn well sure my mind was giving off waves of truth.

He almost looked...saddened by what I told him, but continued nonetheless.

“I see. I can guess it was a good wedding. I’m sending them a wedding present soon. I’ll be the better man. Next question: do you have a repository of otherworldly artifacts on you?”

'Oh man, perfect! Time to confuse and abuse, bitch! God, I think I'm still delirious'

I began to put my plan into play, plan 34J, to be exact; Appease and Give and Give and Give from my tertiary store of easily traceable and breakable artifacts.

'Oh man, he has no idea what's in store for him'

“A-ha, picked up on that, didn’t ya? Well, yes I do. Now...for my sales pitch; I’ve been working on it, you see. Ahem. Welcome to Umbra’s Endless Armory, where the artifacts never stop flowing! Need to kill an army? There’s a sword for that! Need an endless source of dark magic? There’s a gem for that! Need to destroy a planet? There’s a mech for that! So buy, buy, buy, because the deals are great and the artifacts endless! StandardfeesandtaxesapplythereisnosuchthingasawarrantyhereallartifactsguaranteedtoworkoryourmoneybackI’mtalkingfastjusttoannoytheshitoutofyoubuymyartifacts. How’s that?”

Tense Shift; Present

I think he's confused, better keep going with the Appease route, keep him off balance.

“Anybody could buy these artifacts…? Please, open your Subspace Pocket. Any hint of you threatening me, and I’ll be forced to kill you.”

Wow, serious much? Good thing I ain't helpless, even like this. Asshole has no idea that I can just separate my mind and shift myself outside the Universe.

“Jeez...you really know how to kill a mood, don’t ya? Right...here we go. One bigger-on-the-inside, shadowy cart full of magical artifacts, big and small...just don’t touch the ones marked ‘dangerous’ in bold letters until I can gift wrap them first. Go on, it’s safe. I’m playing the businessman right now, and I ‘smell’ a lucrative deal...lucrative is the correct word in this context, right? Anyways, I take payment in...anything of equal value really, from monetary to magical to sentimental to emotional. A block of protosteel about three meters cubed would pay for...I dunno… three sonic screwdrivers and a Nynrah Ghostblaster? of course, that is before tax.”

What? I did a lot of honest business over the year that I was away from Home. I probably shouldn't tell Auric that my direct superior in the Interdimensional Shopkeepers' Guild is The Merchant. He'd kill me... or something...

He nodded...which he did a lot, I noticed. Not very vocal, is he? “Do you possess a copy of the Kanohi Vahi in here?”

A copy? Bitch please, in my 'Shop' I keep at least thirty goddamn copies of everything on the floor. More in my quaternary/storeroom. Che. All that stuff is linked to me so I can break it anyways. Thank god for Admin powers.

“Mask of Time, eh? Jeez, you want something that simple? There should be like, thirty or so of them in row forty four...or were the masks in row sixty three? I don’t know, forty four is time manipulation, sixty three is magical masks. Search both, search all the rows, just choose what you want and bring them out here so I can tally the price. I am, after all, stuck in a prison, so I can’t exactly help too well.”

He keeps goddamn nodding.

“Do you supply Blood Quills?”

Just... appease like you're Neville Chamberlain, Umbra....just...don't...say...something...stupid....

“The name of my shop is Umbra’s Endless Armory, of course I do. Row thirty six; magical torture devices...or row fifteen; body disfigurement...and row seventy seven; magical writing implements...and row one hundred and seven; Harry Potter stuff.”

There, something appeasing and somewhat snarky.

Oh god, a Panrahk. What the hell.

“Yes Father?”

And it's goddamn Scottish. That's fucking awesome.

“Keep the laser pointer trained on him. Any funny moves, any closing the Subspace Pocket while I’m in there, and you have full license to torture him to get me out. Understood?”

It nodded. “Understood, father.”

...Father?
it pointed the skyblaster at me and Teridax nodded again. “Just a precaution, you understand. I have no reason to suspect you of any ulterior motives… apart, that is, from you being an Administrator-level being that I have already seen destroy one of my paintings and get Auric married to some trollop who he doesn’t deserve.”

...Paranoid bastard. I can respect that.

“Yes, yes. I understand perfectly, good sir. And, sorry about the painting. I am, what you call, or shall I say, what I call, a personal appeaser. I do things to keep myself safe and others from wanting to murder me in cold blood...even if I am nigh immortal. Besides, closing the shop with someone in it is grounds for me to lose my interdimensional shopkeeper’s license.”

Okay, he's inside. I can sense him. I could kill him, but then I'd be in serious pain.

“Row thirty-four… he honestly has no idea how useful that power is when one has understanding on their side.”

“Sorry about the low level of light in there, shadowy being and all, can’t stand the light. I’ll just make it less dark, then. That good?”

You goddamn appeaser you, you're better than Neville goddamn Chamberlain.

“No need. I can see perfectly well. And I refuse to let a single shadow out of here. Caution, you understand.”

Yeah, yeah. Keep talking asshole. And...did he just put on a Time Artifact?

“No using Time Artifacts in the store! You might collapse the event horizon keeping the damn thing stable! And grab a bag! They’re free with every purchase made!”

Hehe...I crack myself up...

“You have no idea how useful this will be to me. But I will heed your warning.”

Did he just destroy one of my Bag o' Dementors?

“I assume that bag was filled with rats.”

“Was that my bag of Dementors!? Shit, that took forever to make! Now how am I gonna sell bags of Dementors to Voldemort!?...Oh wait, there’s more in the storeroom...I hope you intend to pay for the damages!”

He's tampering with my pocket, I can feel it...he's... stabilizing it against temporal instability?

“What damages?”

“...Well since you put it back where it was, I guess none. Also, did you add something to the shop? It feels...different.”

“If you use shadows to program things, it only makes sense that I can manipulate your little shop. The addition was meant to keep it stable enough so that I could do that feat. And if, by some chance you ever use that against me, I can simply revert the timestream back. That is the true power of the Vahi, as wielded by a being who understands.”

Tch, I know exactly how to use a Vahi, I UNDERSTAND better than you do, asshole; I'm a SysAdmin.

“Hmm...well, can’t fault that logic. Got everything you need? If so, either please proceed to the manual checkout stations to pay in magic, or outside to me if you intend to pay with things not of your own power. I find that only moral people use self checkout. Villains usually pay in gold or jewels or even this one asshole who paid me in pokemon cards...over fifty million of them… for a death ray worth three hundred US dollars. It was a weird deal...”

What's he doing now? Don't tell me...
“Sek, come in here. I want one last contingency plan before you leave.”

“Yes sir?”

Oh man...

“Disintegrate everything in here.”

GODDAMNIT

He walked up to me radiating smugness like an asshole... He's going down...later.

“I like to be thorough in making sure that no weapons can be easily used against me.”

“Well...on the one hand...MY INVENTORY!!!!!! On another...you are paying for that, right? Otherwise it counts as a robbery and I can get the interdimensional shopkeeper’s guild to come down on your ass. Ever heard of the one called The Merchant? He’s my boss. Third, I can totally understand your viewpoint, one paranoid bastard to another. You have my villainous respect, asshole.”

He's glaring...scary...not.

“And I say again, what destroyed stock? It’s all there, not one item unrestored. Now, I’m paying for this mask, how much for it?”

Oh look, my inventory's back...

“Well, one Kanohi Vahi, base price… about forty gold bits...or a block of protosteel in measurements of one meter cubed… tax adds up to three cubic centimeters of energized protodermis...or another cubic foot of protosteel. Your choice.”

Oh good, he actually looks like he's going to pay.
“Tavish, get the man his forty bits, plus a further 100 for the tax, I think.”

The rakshi saluted, and Teridax looked to me

“I like to pay in cash. How much gold is the tax, precisely?”

Okay, time to actually do business.

“Another three bits… and one silver bit, if you have one. If not, just three bits. Some Equestrias have different monetary systems, y’know?

Sweet, payment!

Oh look, asshole's talking again...

“One last thing. You program universes, correct? And can create and destroy them on a whim? As can the Administrator here?”

Tell a lie of omission...Tell a lie of omission...Tell a lie of omission...Tell a lie of omission...

“Well, all of the Void dwellers can destroy Universes by forcing two or more to mingle without a stable connection, but yes, I can create Universes...seems to be just me and a few other Ascended shadow users, though...wonder why. Tangent aside, I’mma assume you want me to keep this Universe from being able to be destroyed, yeah? Can do. It’s just...it won’t stop entropy from killing it eventually, so if you really wanna live forever, you’re gonna have to leave here one day.”

Shit...ah well, won't change anything. Let's just do what he asks.

“You know, I was expecting more resistance. I was going to hurt you a lot. And because of this mask, I think I’ll tell you a portion of my plan. Then, I’ll rewind time to the point where you didn’t hear it-”

“Problem...I exist outside time...good try, though. Just… don’t tell me anything, then.”

He sighs. “As to be expected. Do your work then, Umbra. But this much is safe to say:–”

Oh my god he's staring at me.

“Auric and I were destined to do this, I feel. We are meant to confront each other. He needs me, just as much as I need him. He may not realise it yet… but he does.”

Creepy bastard...

“One last request.”

Gods he's still talking?

“Yeah?”

OH MY GODS WHAT THE HELL IS THAT PAINTING!?

“Deliver this to Auric Fulcrum, please.”

“You in a tux riding pony-Auric in a wedding dress. Good style, lovely brush strokes...oil on canvas?”

Appease...Appease...Appease...Appease...Appease...Appease...

“Please don’t destroy this one. Or I’ll have to destroy you.”

“Yeah...Love the style...subject is a mite disturbing, but to me, humorous in the extreme...snrk...kehehehehe….oh gods my sides….pfft...oh man, Auric is gonna piss himself!”

Oh, he looks confused.

“Whatever. Are you done with your work? If so, then you can leave.”

“Yeah, yeah, give me a sec….let’s see...cross this protocol with that...shut down this one… add extra terms here...init this… block that...aaaaaannnnddd….done! Alright. Well, you’re Universe now appears as an inert Universe, read only to all save for the Admins, if you will. So, no one but me can interact with the coding. I locked everyone out. Everyone.”

“Can beings still go to and from my universe? That’s important.”

“Yeah, it’s like… the difference between using a computer, that is entering and leaving, and writing an OS. You can use the computer, you just can’t rewrite the OS.”

He hands me the weird painting, and nods, a- goddamn-gain

“Then have a very good day. I may sell you some artwork later… maybe even sell some disposable masks.”

Oh thank gods, the lights are finally off. Sweet blessed intangibility never felt so goddamn good

“Jeez, I’m an appeaser, not stupid; I only retaliate. You haven’t actually attacked me...other than knocking me out… and I made money. I ain’t gonna attack a potential repeat customer unless he attacks me first. Also: I’ll buy the art, just...not ones with the subjects as you and Auric...those won’t sell, I’m afraid.”

What is with all the goddamn nodding!?

“Give me some time, and I’ll make you some good paintings.”

He drops the Midak Skyblaster, and gestures me out.

“Your meeting with Auric awaits.”

Goddamn creepy bastard

“Right...Pleasure doing business, Teridax. Perhaps I’ll drop by again with some classical literature from other Universes, if you so desire...just...please don’t dust my inventory again, I don’t think my guild would take it too well if my pocket kept showing signs of temporal instability.”

More nods. Annoying bastard.

“Just don’t sell the dusted items to Auric… or any other enemy of mine.”

Oh look, a portal out of this goddamn Universe

“Goodbye.”

“Adieu.”

VWORPLE

"At least I made some money..."

End Chapter 10

Author's Notes:

GODDAMN Teridax is a creepy bastard.

Props to Ssendam the Masked for co-writing this chapter with me!