I woke up in the usual place. I'm just glad that Celestia pays the hospital bill, otherwise I'd have to start winning the Colosseum on a regular basis... I reached down to scratch my- Wait a minute! I opened my eyes and looked down. I was back in my own body! Well, that's one problem solved. Now then, what the buck was going on?

I climbed out of bed and wondered into the hall.

"Gimme a buckin' sandwich!" Yelled the distant voice of Vesper. It sounds like she's back in her own body as well. I walked towards the sound of her voice and found myself in a cafeteria. Vesper had her front hooves up on the counter with an incredibly pissed expression while holding a mare above her head with magic. The mare had a knife pressed against her throat. "I want a banana, cheese and jalapeno sandwich right the buck now!"

"I keep telling you, bananas were made illegal in this hospital after the Unspeakable Incident ten years ago!" Cried the cashier.

"Fine! Buck the banana! Gimme carrot instead!"

"I can't! They were part of the Unspeakable Incident!"

"What about celery?!"

"That's illegal too!"

"Broccoli?!"

"It's illegal!"

"What the buck happened ten years ago?!"

"I can't speak about it! That's why it's called the Unspeakable Incident!"

"Yep, this seems normal," I observed out loud. Everypony except Vesper looked over to me. The mare that Vesper was holding hostage looked... Familiar... Wait, isn't that-? Oh no...

"Somepony help me!" Screamed Violent Rapist. I groaned and facehoofed. Of course it's her...

"Vesper, let her go." Vesper didn't even turn to face me.

"No! I wanna sandwich!"

"You 'want to' sandwich?" She finally turned to me.

"What?"

"'Wanna' is slang for 'want to', not 'want a'."

"So?"

"So stop shitting on the language." She rolled her eyes.

"It's just slang anyway, who cares?"

"I care! You sound stupid when you say it wrong!"

"Maybe I wanna sound stu-! Oh, I see what you mean. Okay, fair enough."

"Good. Are you done now?"

"No, I still want my sandwich."

"You're in a hospital cafeteria, even if you got a sandwich do you really think it'll be any good?" Vesper thought to herself for a second.

"That's a pretty good point but I'm really craving a sandwich."

"There's a Metro only a couple of miles from here."

"Oh." There was an awkward silence. "Welp, I'm gonna go get a sandwich. See ya later." She dropped Violent Rapist and flew out of the window on a Support Circle. Vi- No. Rap- Buck! Why does she have that name?! Violent walked over to me looking a little shaky.

"T-Thank you," she thanked.

"Don't worry about it," I replied. Her eyes widened.

"Wait a minute! Haven't we met before?"

"Uh..."

"Yes! I'm sure of it now! We met a few months ago at the restaurant I work at! You had a pet phoenix!" I sighed.

"Yep, that's me."

"Yes!" She says 'yes' a lot. She recovered from being a hostage really quickly... "Your name was... Um... Cloud... Conundrum?"

"Calculation." We shook hooves. "Hello again, Violent." She giggled. "You've recovered from being a hostage really quickly."

"I'm just excited to see you again!"

"Uh... Why?" She looked down and shuffled her hooves awkwardly.

"Normally... Ponies tend to avoid me after they find out my name and just dislike me in general..." Wow. Now I feel like a dick. Again.

"Why don't you just change your name?" She looked back up to me with a troubled expression.

"Do you know how much that costs?"

"Nope."

"It's ten thousand bits." How much?!

"What?!" She looked back down to her hooves.

"I know..."

"Well... You could just lie about it?" She sighed and looked up to me again.

"No, then it'd be a secret I'd have to keep. If it's the name I'm stuck with, I might as well embrace it."

"Okay. Congratulations, I guess?"

"Thanks." There was an awkward silence. At some point, the other Ponies in the cafeteria had gone back to what they were doing. "So... Are you doing anything later?"

"Today? Probably. It's been a pretty busy day."

"Heh, busier than being held hostage?"

"Well..." I took a deep breath. "I had a flashback to my mysterious past, I had an argument with the goddess of the moon, I lost my genitals by swapping bodies with a female friend, I pressured somepony into starting a forest fire, I had another flashback, I was about to start an argument with the goddess of the sun, I saw powerful ancient artifacts be restored, I was caught in an explosion caused by said artifacts, I stopped my daughter from the future of half of an alternate universe from killing you for a sandwich and it's..." I looked at a clock hanging on the wall. "Barely lunchtime." Violent was gaping.

"W-What?!"

"And they're not even the weirdest things that have happened to me this year."

"What could be weirder than all that?!"

"I once heard some dubstep and didn't get explosive diarrhea."

"Why would you get diarrhea from dubstep?"

"Because shit begets shit."

"Oh." There was another awkward silence. "So, uh... How about next Saturday?"

"Yeah, okay." Violent grinned.

"Great! Stop by the restaurant around five, I get off around then." Heh heh heh... Oh, shut up.

"Okay. Well, I've got stuff to do so... See you then."

"Okay! Bye!" I walked out of the cafeteria and back to my room to leave a note for Rib, then flew out of the window to find Celestia and ask her what the buck just happened.

Author's Notes:

Violent Rapist returns!

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"Your name was... Um... Cloud... Conundrum?"

Now I'm making in-jokes with myself. Great job, me.
Cloud's second name was originally going to be 'Conundrum'.

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Metro is horse-people Subway.