"...You're easily stronger than almost all of them combined anyway, you would be perfect."

"No. Kicking plot and getting paid would be great and all, but I'd have to be ethical and follow the protocol and all that crap. I'd never get around to studying, so I would end up getting weaker."

"You'd definitely be better than the pony doing it now. He's pretty annoying."

"Celestia, I don't want to be the Captain." I'd been at the castle for about a month now, mostly studying. Celestia had come to me asking if I wanted to be the new Captain of The Royal guard, a position I really didn't want. "The pony doing it now is probably doing a fine job."

"First of all; call me 'Princess', my sister's pretty edgy about that and she'll probably try to get you killed for not doing it. Secondly; Shining Armour's a terrible Captain. I get put to sleep by my sister as she tries to cause eternal darkness and what does Shining Asshat do? He sits around and does nothing while you single-hoofedly kick her into submission."

"I only kicked her once! And we're not even near Luna, I'm not calling you 'Princess'! It's a waste of valuable time." Celestia sighed and waited a few moments before speaking.

"So when are you going back to Ponyville? You've got to be missing your friends by now, right?" I snorted.

"Seriously? I mean sure, Spike and Pinkie I miss a little but the rest of my 'friends' are huge dicks. You have Twilight, who must always be right! Applejack, who is so obsessed with sustaining her pride that it makes me wanna puke. Rarity, who's so obsessed with her dream of being a rich noble that she puts on a shitty accent all the time, and finally Fluttershy who I know basically nothing about because she never talks. Add a bucket of racism and you have the ponies that keep extending my hospital bill."

"You forgot Rainbow Dash."

"That bitch can go buck herself."

"Okay, so they're a bit racist-"

"Don't try to sugar-coat it."

"Okay, a lot racist, but why don't you do something about that?"

"I tried that. I awoke a second personality, tried to go on a murder spree and ended up in a six week coma."

"Cloud, give them another chance. They're young and stupid so- Oh buck, I just realized something. Do you even know your age?" I thought to myself for a minute. That's a good question... I sighed.

"I have no idea."

"Well, your frie-"

"Not my friends."

"The girls are around nineteen, so you might be around their age. Oh! I think Dr Remover was doing a cell test to try and see how old you were while you were unconscious! I'll check to see if he got the results." She teleported away in a burst of golden light. After about ten seconds she returned floating some paper. "Okay then... Uh... Subjects tests results... Blah blah blah... Ah! Here it is!" She started reading the paper more intensely for a few seconds. "It says here you're about twenty-five."

"Huh. Well, the more you know. I expected about twenty-seven."

"I thought about twenty-two. Anyway, as I was saying; you should give the girls another chance. Everypony makes mistakes, what you learn from them is the important thing."

"Which comic did you steal that from?"

"Batmare, but the point still stands." She had a point. Besides, Canterlot was so much more boring than Ponyville. How would I even break the news that I was back? Would it just be; 'Oh hey guys, I'm back from my stay in Canterlot. Don't worry, I'm not a psycho anymore!' It doesn't matter. As long as I don't do the thing I'm starting to think about- Too late! I'm doing that idea now! Oh, Realta, why must I be forsaken so? Come on, I know I wanna do this! *Sigh* Fine. D-Did I just mental sigh?! How?! Just shut up and get this over with.

"Fine, I'll go back to Ponyville."

Everypony except Rarity was running towards a lot of holes in the ground. Spike was on Twilight's back holding a paper bag. I was above them on a Support Circle preparing for my big entrance. Twilight walked up to one of the holes and stared down it as Spike climbed off of her. I dropped the Circle and smashed down behind all of them, making them jump. Wait, what was the next part of the plan again? I seriously didn't plan this far ahead? For bucks sake... Think of something, quick! I'm just standing here staring off into space after dropping out of the sky! I don't know, I'm you!

"Uh, Cloud?" Asked Twilight. "What are you doing here? Did you just drop from the sky? Where did you come from?" Quick, say something!

"Potato sauce!" I yelled triumphantly, getting confused looks from the others. Really? That's the best I have? Spike stepped forward, acting panicky.

"Cloud!" He exclaimed quickly, "You've gotta help! These things called 'diamond dogs' fillynapped Rarity!" Suddenly, the holes filled up with mud.

"Quick!" Shouted Twilight, "We've gotta get down one before they're all filled up!" I watched as all of them except Spike try and fail to get down one of them before they were all filled up.

"Heavens to Betsy," Said Applejack. "Now Ah'm used to pickin' myself up and dustin' myself off, but Rarity won't even touch mud."

"Oh, Rarity..."

"We gotta save her!"

"No shit," I added. "So are we gonna go save her are we just gonna stand here longer?"

"We've gotta dig!"

"What? That's just stupid!" They ignored me and started to dig. What I assumed were diamond dogs popped out of the holes and started tripping them up, grabbing them and a bunch of other stuff as well. Great description, me. I grabbed all three of the dogs with telekinesis and electrocuted them into unconsciousness. I threw their limp bodies aside and completely cleared out one of the holes by grabbing the dirt and throwing it aside. "Are you all done with the stupid plans now? Good. Let's go." I jumped down the hole.

I slid down the dirt walls until I landed in a dark cavern. I cast an illumination spell and lit the place up. Aren't I supposed to describe more stuff when monologuing? There was dirt and rocks. There, happy? The others followed me down.

"All these tunnels..." Examined Twilight, "how are we ever gonna find Rarity?"

"That's the easy part. I'll just cast a heat tracking spell and see where there's a lot of heat all at one place." I cast a heat tracking spell to see where there was a lot of heat all at one place. I quickly found a place with moving heat signatures and headed towards where they were. Magic ex machina.

"Oh please, diamond dogs," Begged Rarity. "Please let me go."

"No!" Shouted the small one.

"You're our precious little pony!" Exclaimed the big one.

"Forever!" Cackled the middle one.

"Hello, diamond dogs!" I called to them cheerily from behind. I'd gotten ahead of the others. "I'm here for your 'precious little pony'. Give her back now and never take anypony again."

"You will all be our slaves!" Yelled the big one.

"Interesting proposition. Here's my counter offer." I sent a magic bolt flying towards a boulder, reducing it to rubble. "Release her or that will be you in five seconds."

"You don't have the spine to-!" Started the middle one.

"Five."

"Don't interrupt m-!"

"Four."

"You cannot scare us-!"

"Three."

"You wouldn't-!"

"Two."

"Shut up!"

"One."

"You ponies are all about friendship! You would never attack another creature!" I grinned.

"Zero. Rarity, please close your eyes and cover your ears."

We were walking back up the tunnel to meet with the others so I could teleport us all back up. It only took a few minutes for them to catch up.

"Rarity!" Exclaimed Twilight, "Cloud! You're both okay! Wait... What's that stuff you're covered in? Is... Is that... Blood?"

"Don't worry, we're fine," I explained, "we should get back to the surface now anyway. That was a lot messier than I thought it'd be."

"W-What?" I teleported all of us back to the surface.

"Well, I need to go and shower. See you later. Hey Spike, want a lift back to the library?"

"Sure," He replied. I teleported us back to the library. "Twilight'll probably want to send a letter to Princess Celestia about this. So what were you doing during the two months you were gone?"

"Hang on, I need to take a shower first. Blood is easier to clean off if it's still wet." Spike gave me a weirded out look as I flew to the shower with a Support Circle.

Author's Notes:

Imagine what the friendship report would be if Twilight used Cloud's solution.

"Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that when a diamond dog explodes, it makes a mess.

Your faithful psychopath,
Twilight Sparkle."