"I heard the flapping of wings and looked up to see a small golden carriage flying overhead, being pulled by two Pegasi in golden armour."

""Remember this day, little ponies, for it was your last; from this moment forth, the night will last forever!""

""Hey, don't you think it's weird that Ponyville just happens to be near the Everfree Forest, and your Princess just happened to choose Ponyville as the place to host this years celebration, and that discounting myself there just happens to be the perfect number of ponies for the Elements of Harmony, a reference guide to which that you desperately needed just happened to be in the library that your Princess assigned you to stay in?""

""Wow! Really?" I asked sarcastically. "There are trees in a forest?! The horror! What's next; clouds in the sky?! Hair in a mane?!""

"I pushed open its large wooden doors to reveal a large stone room. In its center there was a stone structure with five different stone spheres on stone pedestals."

""Magic," I said, cracking my neck. "Mother bucker.""

""We're magical unicorn wizards! We can be healthy from spells and stuff!""

"Even though Applejack's mistake with Rainbitch had broken my collarbone and a couple of legs, even though the crash caused hundreds of bits worth of property damage to the library and even though I had to sit in the waiting room of the hospital in agonizing pain for an hour before the doctors could fix me up because most of the town was being violently sick (courtesy of Applejack's cupcakes), I wasn't mad. I would handle the situation responsibly. Eventually she caved in and let me go, believing my blatant lies."

""Oh no!" I said in a mocking voice. "The scawy Gwiffon said a no-no word! She needs to sit in the naughty corner!""

"I may or may not have shrieked, attempted to run, tripped up and fallen down the stairs."

""You know, the point of knocking is to wait for permission to enter!""

""I'm Overcast Vesper; your daughter from the future of an alternate dimension conceived by yourself who was impregnated by future you." The room went silent."

""We should probably think of tactics first."

"Kill everything that moves." I facehoofed."

"...And there was semen everywhere!"

""Would you both shut up for me please?" Sang Vesper. "Before I brake all of your knees!"

"She will," I stated.

"She can," added Watcher.

"'Cause I'm bucked up like my mother!""

""I wanna see if I can clear this Cloud in ten seconds flat..."

"I-I need an adult!"

"I am an adult...""

""Thanks, Toasty."

"Who."

"You mean who was with me upstairs? Future Me. Again."

"Whew."

"I know, time travel is tiring. There's never any relaxing with it, you know what I mean?"

"Yes."

"What?"

"Who.""

""Don't stop! Believin'! Hold on to that feelin'!""

""If they're not making sense in order to make sense about not making sense but still making sense so they're not making sense about not making sense, doesn't that mean their plan of not making sense worked?""

""It is time to perform," he put on a seventh pair of sunglasses, "ince-" All of his sunglasses fell off. "Shit!""

"So what are you going to do?"

"Spread her legs and-"

"No-no-no! I meant about the government thing!"

"Oh, right."

"It was glad to see the place without an overwhelming amount of dick everywhere."

""Butt sex forever!""

""I like to be naked! Why can't I just be naked?!""

""...Which was the opposite of when I met alternate timeline me. He was awkward rather than boring. Also we banged.""

""'E 'i'n' seh'. 'U' 'e 'i' 'ell uhs thah' 'e woo' loove-loove-loove i' if we' 'ill i' 'or 'em," Applejack explained clearly and simply."

""I used protection, right?!""

""MAGIC," I screamed back, summoning a Kinetic Circle around a hoof, "MOTHER BUCKER!""

""What's wrong?" I asked.

"I'm not naked," she replied, "that's what's wrong.""

""Oh! I haven't introduced myself!" She shook my hoof. "It's nice to meet you too, I'm Violent Rapist!"

What.

What.

What.

"What.""

""Do war, Ah've gah yoo' coovooroo. Ee' yoo' 'isli'e ee' thar moo' hee' yoo' shoes agh 'rie' urt leek jury. Thar rar quee uh foo 'Riphoo 'rien'ly s'ores aroo 'ow, Ah'll shoo yoo whie la'er.""

""Hah lonononon wee ee' 'er'b' AGH, ay'ay?""

""It was Luna's fault!" I blurted out. "She was making me have those dreams! Whatever they told you was-! Well, probably true, but-!"

"What are you talking about?" She looked confused."

""So where is she anyway?" I asked.

"Sheee eeez teh Whoo-dar-boo TRAINS ahahahaha," replied Applejack.

"Oh, she got in?"

"EHK."

"Nice.""

""How're you feeling?"

"Tight." She raised an eyebrow. "That sounded less suggestive in my head.""

""Fo' HUH 'ir' coo' 'oo' moo' AGH nuh ar," she started, "chi 'i'i'i'i' eh alolo vur wuh. Boo foo ooh loo too noo, ard ugh 'e'e' hah sonty EET bay o' lek suhpuhuh el'oo' hal wee ar pro lemons, eve eh dey uh racoon ar ar'oo' foo 'fo'oo'. Thee ees moo uh teh stroogah banana uh cedric AGH huh 'st'reee' awawawawa tur shoe yuh muh thuh 'n' weh yuh uh huh tweeen seeeen.""

"Many balls were then tripped."

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I'm not giving you a bit. But what I do plan on giving you is a Unicorn with a very particular set of skills, skills he has acquired over an unknown and mysterious past. Skills that make him a nightmare for people/Ponies like you. If you buck off now, that'll be the end of it. He will not look for you, he will not pursue you. But if you don't, he will look for you, he will find you, and he probably won't kill you.

Also, buck you."

""I keep telling you, bananas were made illegal in this hospital after the Unspeakable Incident ten years ago!" Cried the cashier."

""Twilight's a god." There was an awkward silence.

"Twilight's a god?"

"Twilight's a god."

"Like, a god god?"

"Yeah, Twilight's a god."

"Wings, horn, crown...?"

"The whole shebang. Twilight's a god." There was another awkward silence.

"Twilight's a god?"

"Twilight's a god."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously; Twilight's a god."

"But... Like, a god?" Vesper nodded.

"Twilight's a god." There was a third awkward silence.

"Twilight's a god?"

"Yep, Twilight's a god."

"As in a princess-y god?" She nodded again.

"Twilight's a god. Her coronation's tomorrow."

"But a god?"

"Twilight's a god."

"God of what?"

"I dunno, probably friendship. It's what the Elements are all about. But yeah, Twilight's a god." There was a fourth awkward silence.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously; Twilight's a god."

"As in an Alicorn god?"

"Yep, Twilight's a god." There was a fifth awkward silence.

"A god?"

"Twilight's a god."

Three hours later...

"Twilight's a god?" I asked. Vesper nodded.

"Twilight's a god," she replied. There was a three hundred and tenth awkward silence.

"Well, if you insist.""

""I just master-baited my daughter.""

"...And that's pretty much everything," I finished. When I first started telling him the story while we were walking through the school, I'd grabbed Twilight and pulled her along with us. We'd gone to Nerdy's place and the three of us were now sitting on his sofa eating popcorn. It seemed to be about midnight now.

"Wow," he said simply. "That... Wow..."

"His puns were even worse when he said them originally," claimed Twilight. Well, maybe there is some truth to that...

"That was amazing..."

"I guess," I said. "Anyway, we should be getting to bed, you have school after all."

"Okay." We stood up and Nerdy adjusted the sofa until it became a bed. "This is the only other spare bed, so one of you'll have to sleep on the floor."

"Nah, it's fine," I sat on the bed and pulled Twilight onto it with me, "we can share." Twilight blushed deeply.

"W-What?!" She exclaimed.

"Alright," replied Nerdy, ignoring Twilight. "Well, g'night."

"See you tomorrow."

Author's Notes:

Story clip shows! Yaeaeaaeeaaeeaeaeaeaaeaeaaey!

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I both love and hate myself for including the 'Twilight's a god' scene.