A small stage and three ponies behind a desk could only mean one thing: three ponies were sitting together and looking at a stage. Rainbow Dash came in and stepped up.

“So why should we keep you on the show?” said the judge sitting in the middle, a black unicorn stallion named Blinding Radiance.

“Everypony else’s interestingness relies on talking to me. Also, I’m Rainbow Dash.”

“You have twenty-five more seconds.”

“I rest my case.”

“Wow,” said the one on the left from Rainbow’s point of view, a white pegasus mare with a yellow mane named Infinite Abyss. “You didn’t even need thirty seconds to convince me. Really, I don’t even know why you’re here. Like you said, you’re Rainbow Dash. It’s a yes from me.”

“I would’ve appreciated any effort whatsoever,” Radiance said. “I’ll have to say no.”

The last judge was a dark red earth stallion, Cherries Jubilee. Having just turned eighteen a month ago, he was between the size of a fully grown mare and stallion, and his presence on the panel at such a young age was controversial. “You do make a good point about being Rainbow Dash. We’d lose a lot of our viewers without you, me for instance, so I’m saying yes.”

She jumped off the stage and went to the desk, and Cherries hoofed her a yellow piece of paper with a big four-digit number on it and some other things too small to make out. Paper in mouth, Rainbow went out the way she came in, and the other five recent world-saviours, Spike, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders all cheered.

Next to come onto the stage was Applejack.

“Why should we keep you on the show?”

“Because what would this show be without Appledash? The last show had a strict policy of no sex or vahlence, and we all know what happened to it. Even if Rainbow Dash somehow stops bein’ fun to watch for everypony, which bah the way, she’s Rainbow Dash so that ain’t happenin’, Ah still have Big Mac to provahde us with all the sex we need to survahve. Ah may not always be the funniest, but when it comes to the essentials a show needs to succeed in Equestria, Ah have what you need.”

“Wow,” Abyss said. “That was impressive. You really are a critical part of the show, so I’m going to say yes.”

“We’re supposed to be a glorified vlog, not glorified porn,” Radiance said. “If sex is all you can bring to the table, you aren’t interesting enough. It’s a no.”

“I don’t think you’re terrible, and we really do need Appledash,” Cherries said. “You’re definitely worth the money. It’s a yes.”

“Ah was actually scared there for a moment.” She got her paper and left.

Next up was Twilight.

“Why should you keep me on the show. Well, do I say things that don’t make everypony bored? Yes. I work great with Rainbow Dash and Spike, but I can go on a schizophrenic rant myself if I have to. Do I have sex, yes. Unlike Applejack, I also fit in interesting conversations so that we can show the sex on screen. And do I kill ponies, well, you three will be aware of what I did just yesterday. You’d lose all of that without me.”

“Wow,” Abyss said. “You know, you’re the only one we can really rely on to kill ponies. So because of that, I’m giving you a yes.”

“Sometimes it seems like if you were locked alone in a cell, you’d clop just for the sake of the show,” Radiance said, “And your obvious urge to clop whenever you see a television camera.”

“Is it that obvious?”

“Yes. But you give us everything we need, so I’m saying yes.”

“If we lost you, our insanity level would probably go from Heaven straight down to Hell,” Cherries said. “Actually, it’d be more like Faust’s office to the pony outside the pearly gates approving ponies. But still, that’s an unacceptable loss. So I say yes.”

“Wait... a unanimous decision?” She went over and took her paper. “Nopony’s gonna believe me. This is amazing. Thank you all... for this very high honour of... OH MY FUCKING FUCK I CAN’T EVEN BELIEVE ME!” She ran out of the room. “You’ll never believe it!”

Rarity came next.

“Despite my relative lack of chances, I feel my conversations have been interesting. We can’t have the same three ponies in every episode, and I’m the perfect contrast, maybe not so much to Twilight, but certainly to Applejack and Rainbow Dash. And if I hadn’t grounded Sweetie Belle, what would that episode have been? Nothing. We had a plot, and by Wall, I was responsible for it. I still deserve my place in the show, even if I’m not a sex-crazed voice-hearing murderer.”

“Wow,” Abyss said. “I do think ponies have been too harsh on you, and yeah, you have delivered when you’ve had a chance. So I’ll say yes.”

“So you don’t have sex, you don’t cause any injuries physical or otherwise, and you’re the antagonist in everything noteworthy you do,” Radiance said. “It’s a no.”

“You just haven’t shown there’s anything we can rely on,” Cherries said. “Twilight and Rainbow Dash are very proactive in giving us material, and you can’t just stand around and hope something will come up. So I’m saying no.”

“But... you can’t just kick me off the show! I saved the world!”

“There are new, younger ponies who deserve a chance,” Cherries said. “We can’t keep everypony on forever.”

Rarity sighed, looked at the floor for a moment, and walked out.

Next, Fluttershy.

“I know I don’t have sex and I’ve done the opposite of violence to animals, but ponies seem to enjoy talking to me. And both of the soup episodes seemed to go pretty well. That’s all I’ve really done, I think, so... I hope that’s enough, but if it isn’t, I understand....”

“You know, I do really like you,” Abyss said. “Your episodes have been good, so I’ll have to give you a yes.”

“You won’t do anything for us,” Radiance said. “Pinkie Pie did everything interesting in your episode together, and you had to be forced into doing something last time. You really aren’t worth paying with the nothing you usually return.”

“It really isn’t enough,” Cherries said. “And half the time you’re on, it seems like you don’t even want multiple cameras recording everything you do. If you can’t even enjoy it, then for your own good... no.”

She headed for the door.

Pinkie Pie.

“Well, I think I’ve been pretty good. Everypony seems to enjoy me, and I know I don’t really do anything, but ponies are like ‘hey, she’s funny’. I think the ponies you’d lose if I was gone would be way more than whoever you’d gain by replacing me with somepony who didn’t save the world, so I think I should stay.”

“I do think you’re worth keeping around,” Abyss said. “You give us something when you’re on, so it’s a yes from me.”

“Talking to yourself is going to get old fast,” Radiance said. “You can’t rely on ponies inviting you to things or crazy customers or something dramatic happening at a party. The point is there isn’t much you can do yourself, so it’s a no.”

“You have been pretty good, but it’s been a bit out of your hooves. It’s just too rare for you to get out there and make an episode like Rainbow Dash does or like Twilight got in today’s news for, and you don’t have the sex or violence to make up for it. I’ll have to say no.”

“But... I’m Pinkie Pie. I’m fun. You can’t do this, I barely have money as it is.”

“We don’t think it’s worth it to be constantly tracking you anymore,” Cherries said.

“But this show’s been my life. I love doing it. I’ve made friends with all the cameraponies and—”

“Please don’t waste our time.”

After taking a second to comprehend the tragedy, she went for the door.

The first one to have an opportunity to be promoted would be Spike.

“If you make me an official main character, the number of conversations I have with Twilight that you can air every month without seeming weird will go way up. Do you want to miss out on all of those juicy conversations? No. A yes for Spike is a yes for interestingness.”

“For the good of the show, we can’t miss out on that. I’m saying yes.”

“You rely on one other pony so heavily that making you a main character makes absolutely no sense. Nopony’s going to watch just for you, so I’m saying no.”

“You’re never going to do anything. Like Radiance said, your interestingness is completely dependent on a single other pony, so it’s a no.”

Apple Bloom was called next.

“Ah have two friends Ah can ‘ave in’eresting tahmes with all day. Ah have an antagonist in mah lahfe to have lahfe experiences with. Talkin’ to friends at school, bein’ annoyed bah an evil bitch at school, it’s worked for so many shows before an’ it’ll work for us. Ah can ramp it up too. Go on short adventures with mah friends? Yep. Get in a fight with Dahmond Tiara? Yep. Rape ‘er in the bathroom? Plannin’ to do it anyway. Whatever you need, Ah got it.”

“Wow. If that’s not impressive, I don’t know what is, other than the goal Rolling Fields got last night. But that is impressive, so it doesn’t even matter. Yes.”

“It sounds like you’ll have a few gimmicks which you’ll run out of fairly quickly. I don’t think talking to your friends will work for us considering foals and adults don’t really have the same current things to relate to, so it’s a no.”

“I can’t really see your conversations being as good as Rainbow Dash’s. And there won’t be enough variety in your sex and violence to hold interest for that long, so I can’t see episode after episode focussing on you. It’s a no.”

She left the room to some slow string music.

Next was Sweetie Belle, carrying a purse. Instead of going up on stage, she went up to the desk, just far enough that she didn’t disappear behind it, and set the purse down.

“Inside, you will find three bags of gems I stole from Rarity. The contents of each bag are identical and worth 226 bits. If I receive at least two yes votes, anypony who voted yes can keep one of the bags. Anything left will be returned, meaning you could have taken something from Rarity but chose not to.”

“Wow, that’s so meta! Well, it’s a yes from me.”

“I don’t appreciate your attempt at bribery. No.”

“Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about. Valuables, and I’m taking them from Rarity? It’s a yes.”

Last up was Scootaloo.

“Well, I can talk to my friends. And my survival can be pretty interesting sometimes. I mean, you don’t have to air me sitting around, just the highlights. I can talk about what weather is like, how I get food... it could be really interesting.”

“Wow. That is not something I think anypony will want to miss once they hear about it. Yes.”

“So you’ll be doing nothing, and occasionally, you’ll come across a sandwich by complete chance and vlog about it. No, thanks.”

“That sounds more like a documentary miniseries than what we’re going for. It could be good for a while, but eventually, you will run out of things to talk about. I don’t think the conversations will be enough on their own, so it’s a no.”

With the new crew established, it was time for them to go on an adventure. Spike was reading a recount of an acid trip someone was presenting as a fanfic when Twilight came up to him.

“I’m going on an adventure,” Twilight said. “I’ll be back somewhere between tonight and a week from now.”

“Okay.”

Shortly afterward, Big Mac was reading a blog post someone was presenting as a news article when Applejack came up to him.

“Ah’m goin’ on an adventure. Ah’ll be back tonaht or in a week, Ah don’t really know.”

“Okay.”

Rarity was reading a recount of an acid trip someone was presenting as a news article when Sweetie Belle came up to her.

“I’m going on an adventure. I’ll be back sometime between tonight and a week from now.”

“Did you say a week?”

“It’s for the show.”

“It isn’t too dangerous, is it?”

“They haven’t told me much about it.”

“Well... I kind of don’t want you to go....”

“Well, I’m not losing my place already. I don’t care what you think anyway, I just wanted you to know so you won’t think that I might be dead.”

“But I’ll still think that.”

“I have to go.”

The four warriors had just stepped outside Ponyville clad in their initial gear, nothing because they didn’t have any money. Applejack had a red scarf on.

“Look at you with your fucking two articles of clothing,” Twilight said. “Seems more like your polar opposite.”

“Well, it’s fuckin’ cold. Anyway, where’re we goin’?”

Twilight took the map out of the communal backpack. “We haven’t discovered anything, so it’s blank.”

“Other sahde.”

She turned it over. “Oh. Northwest.”

In just a few minutes, they ran into their first enemy: a rabbit with solid red eyes. Applejack kicked him in the face, then Rainbow Dash did, and then, with no visible injuries, he disintegrated. They carried on for another two hours, kicking rabbits and motile gelatin desserts along the way, and made it to the entrance to a forest, which instantly changed from plains to jungle density in a straight line with no transition whatsoever.

“Okay, everypony ready?” Twilight said. “Should we heal Applejack?”

“There’s gonna be a spring right inside if we do,” Rainbow said.

“Good point. You think you can survive, AJ?”

“Yep.”

They entered the forest and quickly found some more rabbits they felt like they had to kill, except these ones were orange instead of white.

“More of these fucking things?!” Rainbow said. “How many more of these fuckers do we need to fucking do the same repetitive fucking motion for before we can have some actual fucking fun on a fucking adventure?!”

“Rainbow Dash?” Applejack said. “You okay?”

“I’m just sick of fucking rabbits.”

“Then... don’t rape animals?”

They trudged through a few more groups of rabbits for Applejack to stomp and some motile balls of vines for Twilight to burn, then Twilight had a question.

“I have a question, Rainbow.”

“I’m fine.”

“No, I’m horny.”

She sighed. “Well, maybe it’ll make me feel better. We’ll fuck behind that really uniform hedge.”

They went around the hedge which repeated its exact pattern of branches every four metres.

“Wait, what?” Sweetie Belle said. “Did I just hear what I thought?”

“Ah’m Rainbow’s main girlfriend and Twahlaht’s her other one,” Applejack said. “Er... you okay?”

“Appledash and Twidash are true?”

“Yep.”

“That’s, like... I mean... it’s really... I’ll need some time to adjust.”

“Ah understand. You need some privacy?”

“Just don’t look at me.”

“Sorry about giving away the whole love thing,” Twilight said.

“You gave it away? I was who said we should fuck behind this hedge.”

“Yeah, but I said ‘Rainbow’. First time in the conversation. And I said I was horny right in your face, so even that was pretty much my fault.”

“Well, it was gonna happen sometime. AJ’s probably mad at us, though.”

“You shouldn’t be scared of her. She’s your girlfriend, you should always feel comfortable around her. Of course, if you don’t, then you can always make me your primary.”

“Just lie down already.”

“I just...” Sweetie Belle said, “I can’t believe... can you look at me? I need help.”

She turned back around. “Just so you know, if you tell this to anypony, Twahlaht’s gonna kill you.”

“Yeah, I figured, but... it’s so... so you have sex?”

“Every tahme we see each other, pretty much.”

“I’m... I’m just shocked. It’s just like... you, like... it’s happening right there. Oh fuck, I thought about it. I pictured it. Fuck.”

“So... you aren’t happy with the relationships?”

“Well... I mean, I know I shouldn’t care... are they even doing anything? We could hear them through a hedge, right?”

“With a hedge lahke that, you never know.”

Sweetie Belle said some more filler words for ten more minutes, then Twilight and Rainbow came back.

“You ready?” Applejack said.

“Yep,” Twilight said.

After a few more battles, including Twilight occasionally using a lightning spell against an aquatic thing but still not feeling satisfied about what she had accomplished, they came to a river two metres wide and knee-deep.

“How are we going to cross this?” Twilight said.

“You’re the magic one,” Rainbow said, “So you’re the smart one, so you figure it out.”

“Wait a minute, I can teleport us!”

They continued for what seemed like hours, because it was. Eventually, something significant had to happen, because otherwise there wouldn’t have been a dense forest to go through.

“Look!” Applejack said. “In that tree hollow! The Provocone!”

“Are you sure about that?” Twilight said. “Seems like a trap.”

“Well, if it’s a trap, we have to follow it.”

“Good point.”

Twilight levitated the cone and put it in the pack. They thought maybe they would somehow offset something carefully weighted, or maybe a boss monster would appear to defend the pieces, but nothing obvious happened. And so they took a cottage out of their bag, unfolded it, and had a nice sleep before travelling to the Shrine of the Provocone.

At the Shrine, they expected something to go horribly wrong as Twilight placed the Provocone back on its pedestal, but nothing did.

“So...” Applejack said, “Is that it?”

“I guess,” Twilight said.

The credits rolled, but in-universe, they were still on edge for the rest of the day. Next Chapter: Chapter 44: Paying the Bills Estimated time remaining: 15 Hours, 19 Minutes