“Iz teh FINAL COUNTDOWNZ!” Spike badly karaoked. There is some context to this: Pinkie Pie, Spike, and Apple Bloom were at Pinkie Pie’s flat-esque group of rooms having a party exclusive to anyone who had no strands of fanciness. There is some context to this: the party was for New Year’s Eve. It was actually the 30th, but they planned to sleep then restart the party at whenever they felt like it on the actual New Year’s Eve when they got tired.

“It’s not gonna be the real final countdown until almost thirty hours later,” Pinkie said.

“Yeah, but you know what they say,” Apple Bloom said.

“All toasters toast toast?”

“Well, they do say that, but that’s not really what Ah meant.”

“Who are they?”

“Cue PnF reference.”

“Good point.”

“When does the fahnal countdown actually start?”

“Uhhh....”

“Y’ don’ ‘no’?”

“I do not know.”

“Do either of you know any of the lyrics besides ‘it’s the final countdown’?” Spike said.

“Nuppers,” Pinkie said.

“There’re other lyrics?” Apple Bloom said.

Meanwhile, Appledash sex, with Rainbow thinking about how she didn’t even have sex without at least some D/S element anymore. People who only play modded Minecraft understand. What’s up, Twilight?

“I heard Sugarcube Corner is going to get a ‘savoury delivery’.”

“And where did you hear this from?”

“A commercial for the episode.”

“I see.”

“Hey, voice coming from the ceiling?”

“Yes?”

“Who are you?”

“I am Lauren Faust.”

“You sound more masculine than I’d expect.”

“Fine, I’m camerapony #1.”

“So that’s basically whah Ah think we shouldn’t ‘ave any social welfare,” Apple Bloom said.

“Uh...” Pinkie said, “Yeah... no....”

Silence.

“Syue...” Apple Bloom said, “Politics....”

“I’m gonna get more food stroke beverages,” Spike outformed. see what i did there lololololol

“You and your freakin’ arms,” Pinkie said.

“And thumbs.”

“Fuck you and fuck anything with arms or opposable thumbs.”

“That’s racist.”

“Get the fuckin’ nourishment.”

“I feel like doing something I don’t want to for my girlfriend,” Zecora said. “If only I had a girlfriend... and that girlfriend was Fluttershy... then she wouldn’t be the type to force me to do things... fuck. So whatever happens, that won’t happen.” She sighed. “Rainbow Dash, now Big Mac... but not me. I feel depressed and unloved. Wait a minute, if I feel depressed and unloved, I can write songs and poetry really well! But now I’m happy. That makes me sad. Wait a minute, if I’m sad—”

“I’m gonna teleport over there and knock some sense into ‘er,” Pinkie said.

“You’re an earth pony,” Spike said.

“That’s what you think, isn’t it?”

“‘Cause it’s true.”

“Oh yeah?”

Pinkie breathed in, tightly closed her eyes, and contracted her leg muscles.

“What are you doing?”

Pinkie undid all of those things. “I thought maybe if I concentrated hard enough, I could teleport.”

“Have you been watching too much Beta-Y Forayers?”

“You know, that reminds me of my 4st 4ay into 4tress 4mers when I had just 4med my original 4t. It was the fourth of April and right off the bat, I rather 4tuitously found a 4t of someone so n00bish that even I, with my paltry sixteen soldiers, could beat them. I was so awesome that they rage4feited halfway through the battle, and I 4ged all sorts of things from their re4ces. Then some pony who’d been playing 4 like four years just happened upon my two 4ts and pwned me.”

“That sucks,” Apple Bloom said.

“It was a 4filling four hours even if statistically it was a 4gettable per4mance. My second emπre is the one I still have today.”

“Maybe Ah should trah it out sometahme.”

“You should. You’ll either play it 4 four days or get addicted 4 life, you don’t know ‘til you try.”

“Y’mean four days after Ah trah?”

“Don’t be all smart. Hey, where’s Spike?”

“He left a fourth ah the way through your speech ta get the drinks ‘n’ stuff.”

“Oh. What’s taking him so longly?”

“Ah guess he’s gettin’ more ResinPow.”

“Oh yeah, you must be right. That’s way in the back of the fridge.”

“Carry the half...” Zecora said, “Power of 5i+2... subtract zero, take the fourth root... okay, so I need ten more Lunar Needles. But I don’t have time to go to Barillan Imports. But then how am I supposed to make Lunar Needle Stew without Lunar Needles? I could just substitute—no, no, I have to have some fucking standards. Some standards. I won’t attract Fluttershy by swearing.”

“Faw...” Fluttershy said whilst eating some Exclusive Disjunctionville brand popcorn. “Fe gares abou’ meh obinions. T’ wa—weh—” she took a bottle of Amnesia Juice she had by the couch and drank some of it to aid not choking, which thankfully worked, then she took a few seconds to breathe. “What was I talking about?”

“And he said ‘oh, the left hose’!” Spike said.

Pinkie Pie and Apple Bloom broke into hysterical laughter for several seconds.

“Okay, I’ve got one,” Pinkie asserted without evidence. “A swan in a duck pond swims over to a pigeon at the shore...”

There was a loud thump from downstairs.

“I’ll get it,” Pinkie said, “You have sex or something.”

She went out to the stairs.

“You’re, lahke, the exact oppahsite ah who Ah wanna ‘ave sex with,” Apple Bloom said.

“Right back at ya.”

Downstairs existed a package, Derpy Hooves, and a clipboard with a pen on top of the package. There were only so many things that could mean, and so Pinkie and signed there, there, and put her surname there. Derpy put the clipboard and pen into a bag and left.

“SpiiiIIIiiike!” Pinkie said.

Spike ran down the stairs so quickly that he tripped and broke seventeen bones, except what actually happened was him not tripping and he was fine.

“What?”

“There’s a box and I’m not a unicorn and you have arms.”

“Fine.”

They went upstairs with Spike carrying the box, as opposed to Opal or her evil twin Jade. They entered the entry/living room of Pinkie’s place.

“Needle,” Apple Bloom said.

“Hi,” Pinkie and Spike said.

“How are we gonna open this?” Pinkie said. “It’s all taped and I don’t have scissors because I have hooves. Actually, I have a knife in the kitchen that might—”

Spike cut it open with a claw.

“That’s cool too.”

He opened the box. Inside was another box, this second box more of a light, cardboard-esque brown as opposed to the hot pink of the outside box. It featured the same tape challenge, which Spike met with the same solution. Inside the box was a plastic container, exactly sixteen centimetres long and wide and four deep. The interesting part was the contents, what looked like some tightly-packed pulled meat, because that’s what it was. Also important were a jaggedly-cut piece of paper taped to the container and a plastic fork.

Spike took the tape off and unfolded the paper which, by the way, was folded in half.

“Dear Spike (Not Spike? Log in as a different user here), I along with some of my friends were working together to kill a particularly pesky pony who said Big Mac sucked. I’ll spare you the details, but we decided that the best method of execution was to slow cook her alive. Most of the body was donated to Zecora since she had informed us she needed a ‘mostly intact’ dead pony for something, but we decided to gift a little bit to you for your consumption. I know it’s cold, but pony meat is apparently okay cold according to some site I found. Also, our burnt cyan’s been terrible and I got the place, which is cool. I just hope I don’t get overly obsessed with the club and forget that Big Mac is what’s really important, it’s happened to a lot of ponies. Platonic love, Butterscotch,” he read.

“That’s kinda strange,” Apple Bloom said.

“Yeah...” Pinkie said.

Spike tried to open the lid, but rolled a 1 and scratched himself in the forehead.

“Um...” Pinkie said, “I’ll get some bandages.”

She ran to the bathroom, wet a towel, got a box of Band-Aid® brand adhesive bandages and the wet towel in her mouth, and ran back.

“Uh... this, uh,” she said as she cleaned up the blood, “Band-Aids... hooves....”

“I can do it,” Spike said, “I’m not four.”

He opened the box with the power of digits, unwrapped a Band-Aid® with the power of digits, and applied the bandage without incident.

“You good?” Pinkie said.

“Yeah.”

“I’ll put this stuff back—well, I won’t put the towel in the same place—but you open the box.”

“Yeah.”

He took off the lid without Pinkie Pie there to watch and took the fork.

“I don’t know...” he said, looking at the fork for a second before turning back to the food. “I’m not sure how I feel about eating pony... ponies are intelligent enough that eating them would feel kinda wrong. And I’ve only eaten meat three times in my whole life anyway.”

Pinkie came back just in time for the list.

“What three tahmes?” Apple Bloom said.

“What three times?” Pinkie said.

“Spahke’s eaten meat three tahmes ever.”

“The first was the chicken accident, but I’m not supposed to go into detail about that. Then there was this time I was on a minor adventure with Twilight to get a thing for Zecora. You know, that was the only time Zecora ever gave us anything in return for getting stuff for her... uh, besides repeatedly saving our lives, of course. Anyway, we got lost at night and I got hungry—”

“Ah know Ah’m interruptin’,” Apple Bloom said, “But this all seems lahke it’d make a good narrated flashback.”

“Fine.”

“I still need five and a quarter beigeberries,” Zecora said.

“Can’t you go on the quest yourself?” Twilight said.

“I’ll give you a life-size cardboard cutout of Rainbow Dash I’ve been meaning to get rid of.”

“Where should we go?”

“Go in the same direction you came from—forwards, not back—until you see a tie-dye bush. It’ll take about an hour there and back if you don’t get lost.”

“Will any spooky creatures of the night attack us?”

“Not if you don’t get lost.”

MAYBE AROUND FORTY-FIVISH MINUTES LATER!

“It’s been at least half an hour,” Twilight said. “Do you think we went the wrong way?”

“All we have to do is go straight, right?” Spike said.

“Have we been going straight, though?”

“I dunno... wait, I dunno? Shit, we are lost.”

“When do we think we deviated?”

“I don’t know.”

“Let’s try to retrace our steps and maybe we’ll find out.”

They tried that for a few minutes, it wasn’t exciting, until Twilight recognised a thing.

“I remember that,” Twilight said, pointing to a littered I Grew Up with Cards What the Fuck is This Life Tile Shit wrapper. “And then before that we went around that stream and... oh, okay, so let’s go back there and go straight.”

“RAWRZ!” the lion of a chimaera said, jumping in front of them from behind a bush and looking all threatening and scary.

“Baaa!” the goat part said.

Twilight responded by teleporting her and Spike away to the stream she mentioned. Besides the stream, it looked just like the rest of the forest.

“Sigh of relief,” Twilight said.

“Twilight?” Spike said.

“What?” She turned around to face Spike. “What’s wrong?”

“Look.”

He extended his left arm out and Twilight looked at his hand for a moment. The main thing to notice was the claws, which all had their distal halves missing.

“Your claws?” Twilight said.

“Yeah.”

“Sorry. I was doing it a bit hastily since....”

“I still hate you.”

“Fine. I hate you too.”

River flowing sound.

“I want you to like me,” Twilight said.

“We can like each other again.”

“Thank you.”

And so after that, they made it to the beigeberry bush just fine.

“And that’s six,” Twilight said.

“And now you can teleport us back,” Spike said whilst doing a handstand.

“We have to walk back.”

“We do? Fuck a bacterium.”

TWENTY MINUTES LATER!

“You know what, Twilight?”

“Why are you talking to yourself?”

“I don’t recognise this place at all.”

“Are you trying to tell me or....”

“What do you think, Spike? Are we lost again?”

Spike looked in a few random directions. “I don’t know, you know everything betterly then i do.”

“Baaa!” a process yellow-wooled sheep said.

“Huh?” Twilight and Spike both said, both looking behind them, then at each other.

“What’s your opinion on this sheep?” Twilight said.

“Opinion?” He paused for a second. “Um, I’m kinda hungry.”

“I’ll kill the sheep for you.”

“Baaa?”

Twilight killed the sheep by electrocution.

“I bet she didn’t expect that,” Spike said.

“What? Wait, oh. I hate you.”

“Okay,” Pinkie said, “So we get how it happened. Two questions: what was the third time and why were you talking in third person the entire time?”

“The third time was this time where I was trying to show how tough and willpowery I was....”

“Oh yeah?” said a stallion with an unkempt beard, who sounded a little hoarse as he gazed widely down at Spike. “If you’re so tough, then kill and eat that bunny.”

“I see,” Pinkie said. “So is this gonna be the fourth time or not?”

“Um...” Spike took the container. “Well, I have to try it before I decide I don’t like it, right?”

“You don’t have to eat it.”

“But then I’ll feel all ungrateful for a gift.”

“Then eat it.”

Spike scooped a bit of the pulled pony and took a bite.

“Holy crap,” Spike didn’t give any real information.

“Ya just ate pony an’ ya feel awful?” Apple Bloom said.

“That’s really good.”

“Oh.”

“You know, I think I should go down a slippery slope and take up killing stuff for fun.”

“Well, who’s a pony we don’ lahke? ‘Sahdes Rarity since the universe’ll explode if she dahs.”

“I like Rarity....”

“Ah think you should kill Twist or Silver Spoon.”

“Why not Diamond Tiara?”

“‘Cause we agreed ta not kill each other.”

“Why does that prevent me from—”

“‘Cause Ah’ll kill ya. But seriously, you should kill one of ‘em. Or both. Whichever.”

“We should ask them a series of trivia questions and kill the loser.”

“Sounds good to me. Who’s gonna ask the questions, and bah ‘who’, Ah mean ‘Pinkie Pah’.”

“I’d be happy,” Pinkie said.

“Then we’ll do it tomorrow. You’ll feel lahke it tomorrow, right, Spahke?”

“Why would I know?”

“Never mahnd. We’ll do it when we both feel lahke it.”

“Well, I’m gonna eat the rest of this. I don’t care if you ponies get freaked out.”

A longer silence happened, then there was just some Verenhimo!, so here’s Appledash dialogue.

“Rainbow?” Applejack, lying on the bed, said to an unconscious/dead-looking Rainbow Dash on the floor. “You okay? Did Ah throw ya too hard there?”

She continued being immobile.

“Er....” Applejack got off the bed and took a closer look at her. “Rainbow? Ah’m serious, lahke, completely outta character for a moment, are you okay.”

She still didn’t answer her, which was rude.

“Fuck. Uh... guess Ah can... fuck. Well, she’ll wake up, that’s what always happens. Should prolly put ‘er on the bed....”

Being a ungulate quadruped, lifting something of equal weight to her was trivial.

“Well, that was easy. Uh, should Ah put the blanket over ‘er? No, then Ah’ll get carried away an’ start puttin’ all sorts ah shit on... no, Ah won’t. Ah have self-control. Not like, uh... Twahlaht. Yeah, lahke her.”

THE NEXT DAY!

Pinkie woke up on the living room floor, got up, and noticed that Spike was also asleep on a different part of the same floor. After morning stuff, she was awake enough to notice something strange: it was raining pancakes. It wasn’t actually happening, she was just awake enough to notice it if it did. Curious as to where Apple Bloom was but forgetting to talk to herself about it, she opened the bedroom door and saw Apple Bloom sitting on the bed eating an apple.

“Hey, Pinkie,” Apple Bloom said.

“Hi. Where’d you get that apple?”

“Around.”

“Where did you get that apple?”

“Y’know, round.”

“Just a second.”

Pinkie went to her room she called a kitchen, though we both know that’s being pretty generous, grabbed the single most threatening-looking weapon in her possession, a KitchenAid® steak knife, held it with her teeth so she could walk, and went back, all in one sentence.

“Straw,” Apple Bloom said. “Whatcha got that ‘nife for?”

Pinkie walked up to the bed and took the knife with a hoof. “If you don’t tell me where you got that apple, I’m gonna stab you.”

“You’re way too nahce to go around stabbin’ fillies.”

“Remember the big prank of November 2011?”

“Fluttershah prolly don’t.”

“lol. But seriously, tell me.”

“Ah stole it from your, er... ‘kitchen’.”

“See? That wasn’t so hard.”

Pinkie left the room, put the knife back, made sure the transcriber hadn’t written any specifics about her kitchen, and wondered what to do now.

A few minutes later, something rare happened: Rainbow Dash woke up before Applejack.

“Something feels wrong...” Rainbow said immediately after she woke up. She rolled over. “Oh. Well, that’s weird.”

The morning went by with nothing of note happening, because do you care about New Year’s Eve until a few hours before the new year? Exactly. So Appledash, Twilight’s by herself, Pinkie/Spike/Apple Bloom... the only mane character left is Zecora. Speaking of Twilight’s by herself, what is she doing? I bet she’s clopping. Oh, she is clopping? Damn, okay. What about you, Zecora?

“What about you, Zecora?” camerapony #1 said.

“These philters are still for science. I swear on my left legs. Besides, if I wanted to be evil and do something to Fluttershy, I could’ve already. In fact, I could do something to pretty much... anyone....” She paused for a second. “They’re all at my mercy... the power....”

She grabbed a random bottle and stared at it with a rape face for a couple seconds, then shook her head and went back to normal and put the bottle back.

“Just a minute,” she said, “I need to kill something.”

She went outside and scanned along the ground for something. It was kind of like using a metal detector, except it only took three seconds and it was motivated by bloodlust instead of money. Anyway, she crushed a firefly on the ground.

“That should do.”

Big Mac knocked the famous Door of the Room of Applejack Apple, as its official name was. He didn’t get a response.

“I’m leaving,” he said, his creamy voice somehow able to break through the door.

Applejack came for the door. Of course, for all he knew, it could’ve been his evil twin Fleetwood Mac, who got in the room without him knowing. Until the door was opened, of course.

“What’re you leavin’ for?”

“Flutter—”

“You can’t go on another Fluttershah crush at the same tahme she’s goin’ on a you crush! You’ll get together!”

“So?”

“So it’ll either last two days an’ it’ll be the worst relationship ever or it’ll last two years ah foalin’ yourselves an’ it’ll be the worst relationship ever.”

“It’s possible it’ll just work.”

“It won’t work ‘cause ah what Ah just said. You’re just both feelin’ temporary short-lived stuff at the same tahme.”

“I’m going there and you can’t stop me.”

“Ah could totally stop you.”

“Then do it.”

“But Ah’ve got a Rainbow to fuck.”

“Then I’m leaving.”

“Good. Ah was only with ya for the sex anyway.”

“We were never—”

Applejack slammed the door.

“Okay....”

“Hope that didn’t annoy you too much,” Applejack said.

“Can I dominate for once?”

“No.”

“You sort of cheated on me with Big Mac and I was the one who made the confession.”

“Still no.”

“It’s been forever since—”

“Ah don’t care.”

“I don’t care.”

“We could just do equal stuffs. Been forever since we’ done that.”

“I guess....”

Rangewhile, Big Mac was walking uphill in 42cm-deep snow. He had a coat and a cap, but nothing to protect his legs. Besides the fur, of course. You know, that reminds me of a joke: what do FIFA, the phrase “finger-lickin’ good”, and invisible zeppelins all have in common? They’re in this joke. But after much hardship, and by hardship I mean occasionally having to be careful on ice, he made it to Fluttershy’s.

“Hello,” and it’s a very conservative opening from Fluttershy here.

“Hi. I was thinking about how at Faustmas we were wishing we could do something, and the same thing is happening here, and you’ve been doing a terrible job of hiding that you love me, so I came over here.”

“Well... I didn’t expect this....”

“Then I’ll leave.”

“No, I didn’t mean I don’t want you here, I’m just... surprised. In a good way, not a bad way. Did I make it sound like it was in a bad way?”

“Eeyup.”

“Well, come in.”

Big Mac left and Fluttershy forgot to close the door.

“You shouldn’t have gone out of your way to do this,” Fluttershy gets into the self-abasement quite early.

“I know this seems random, but we need to formally resolve whether or not we love each other.”

“We could just do this as friends.”

“Lonely friends looking for love who have everything in common.”

“But friends.”

“Did you just make a joke?”

“I guess I did... you know, it felt kind of odd....”

“Should we sit?”

“I didn’t plan to be standing all day—I’m trying to be funny again. Should I stop? Is it weird?”

“I could get used to it. Assuming you actually be funny.”

They went on the television-facing couch together.

“So to what will we be up for the next few hours?” Pinkie Pie said to her partymates over some Cyrillic letter-shaped pasta.

“Wiiing,” Spike said. “We’re juvenile, we like video games. Crap, I said a dumb stereotype.”

“But you ‘ave fingers,” Apple Bloom said. “That’s an unfair advantage.”

“Did you just say ‘unfair advantage’?” Pinkie said.

“Yeah, so?”

“So that’s weirder than superconductors.”

“Well, if it’s any consolation—”

“Consolation? You’re Apple Bloom!”

“But anyway, if it makes up for anythin’, Ah don’t get that superconductor thing ya just said.”

Pinkie rolled her eyes and looked over to Spike. “Do you get it?”

“I’m Spike.”

Pinkie sighed.

“Rainbow has better things to do than me,” Twilight said. “Even Spike has better things to do than me... even Fluttershy has better things to do than me... hey, I wonder how Scootaloo’s doing. And having her for a day would make me feel all moral! It’s a win... win-win? Or just a win? Well, Scootaloo wins too. So two wins.”

Twilight thought about walking, then decided that she didn’t want to deal with the snow that no one had bothered to shovel, vehicle, or magic somewhere else.

“Scootaloo?”

Scootaloo, in her box on top of the snow, overturned it and took her head out of her curled for warmth position. “Twilight?”

“Rainbow won’t be with me for New Year’s and Spike won’t be with me either, so I was wondering if you wanted to be with me.”

“I’ll be with anypony if they’ll give me shelter.”

“Sounds good.”

Twilight teleported herself, Scootaloo, and Scootaloo’s friend Caramel Corn who’s been alongside her in all her appearances but never mentioned, accidentally deexisting Caramel Corn in the process.

“What are you typing about?” transcriber #1 said. “There was never any ‘Caramel Corn’.”

“Uh...” transcriber #2 said, “I have a... you know... thing.”

“Next you’re going to tell me you’re the one who’s been putting all that shit in about pancakes.”

“Uhhh....”

“Oh, for... can’t you just narrate like a normal pony?”

“That thing with the pancake on Spike’s head happened, though.”

“I know, I’m asking you what all the random irrelevant references are about.”

“Well, somepony has to make the comedy fic funny. And fail, but still, at least I’m trying.”

“You think I don’t try to be funny? They didn’t hire me for no reason, you know.”

“They hired you because you were willing to work for less than anypony else.”

“And because I had that closed captioning experience.”

“Hey,” Twilight said, “We’re about to have some dialogue here.”

“They still wouldn’t’ve taken you without the wage thing.”

“They wouldn’t have taken me with no résumé.”

They were in the entry place, incidentally.

“I assume you want food or something?” Twilight said.

“Something warm and some water.”

“I’ll make some gNeric soup, sound good?”

“How is that different from generic soup?”

“It has noodles.”

“I see. But yeah, that’s good.”

“You’re not sick of it?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

“No, I have bad grammar.”

“Okay.”

“Whatcha lookin’ in there for?” Applejack said as Rainbow opened the wardrobe door.

“I’m gonna whip you and you’re gonna like it.”

“Don’ do it.”

“But—”

“Come back ‘ere.”

“Fine.” Rainbow went back on the bed. “Just won’t rape you.”

“You can force mah head into your genitals, how’s about that.”

“By force, do you mean force, like I can rape you?”

“Sure.”

“Okay.”

“I wonder what would happen if I drank this and looked at myself via a sufficiently reflective surface,” Zecora said. “But one thing I can know without testing is that nothing would happen to Rarity.”

There was no dialogue between Big Mac and Fluttershy, shippy or otherwise, although Fluttershy did have a kind of “I want to physically contact you but I’m too shy” look. Still, it wasn’t enough of a reason to not just skip to Party In4mal’s turn.

“Wait, In4mal?” Apple Bloom said. “Y’said this was Party Informal. F-O-R.”

“Well, what I definitely didn’t do was bribe one of the transcribers,” Pinkie said.

“Lemme guess, ya paid transcrahber #4 four bits?”

“I’m not tellin’ you who it was. Wait, tellin’? Are you infectin’ me?”

“Ah dunno, maybe. But if you ain’t gonna tell me who it was, Ah’ll just kill ‘em all.”

“How?”

“With a weapon.”

“You do know that transcriber #3 can kill you with magic, right?”

“Tell me who it was.”

“Never.”

“Then the hahest-numbered transcrahber here’s gonna dah. Ah’ll be back from your ‘kitchen’ in just a minute.”

Apple Bloom left for the kitchen-esque area.

“Typy?” transcriber #ω1 said, looking at transcriber #3 in sort of a wide-eyed pleading way.

“Yeah?” said transcriber #3, who kept looking at her laptop.

“You’re gonna defend me, right?”

“Yeah.”

Apple Bloom came back with a different but still good as weaponry steak knife in her mouth.

“Fn,” she threatened. “F—”

She dropped the knife, letting transcriber #3 magic it to herself.

“Y’know what?” Apple Bloom said with a rare adverb. “This ain’t workin’. Maybe Ah just won’ be an insane hostage-killin’-esque-tahpe pony.”

“Good 4 you,” Pinkie said.

“I can’t believe you ate the entire pot already,” Twilight said. “The soup in it, rather, not the actual pot. That would be crazy.”

“I might eat the pot. It’s got iron.”

“lol. So do you like the book room?”

“I guess this applies to the rest of your house too, but you overbooked.”

“We’ll manage.”

“Ah love how ya raped me an’ stuff,” Applejack said.

“I can’t believe you actually thought I was gonna let you go there.”

“Well, you knew Ah was gonna like it.”

“Yeah. Um, sorry if this is a stupid question, but how are you standing on the ceiling?”

After much (more boring) talking, eating, Verenhimo!, and exclusive to the Appledash times, sex, it was time for the big awesome minute before 2013 final paragraphs ever. Really, don’t worry about it.

“It’s fifty-nine—fifty-eight seconds before 2013!” Pinkie said. “Okay, there are a bunch of time zones where it’s already 2013, and even after this there’ll still be a bunch where it’s not, but for us, 2013!”

“Ah’m gettin’ excahted whether it means tahme zones or the arbitrariness of when a year starts or whatever,” Apple Bloom said.

“Did you just say ‘arbitrariness’?”

“So?”

“Ar... bi... trar... i... ness... that’s five syllables.”

“An’?”

“You’re Apple Bloom.”

“Y’meanin’ to say that Ah talk lahke some sorta idiot?”

“Yes.”

“No matter how admittedly funny mah accent is, Ah don’t talk lahke an idiot.”

“That’s not what your English grades say.”

“Whah would ya know that?”

“Word gets round. Mwahahaha!”

“So what should we do for our final appearance?” Twilight said.

“Shm,” Scootaloo said as she ate some “low-budget pizza”, an Equestrian food which comprises a slice of bread topped with tomato slices and cheese curds.

“We can’t kill Rarity, the universe will explode.”

“I don’t want Rarity to die anyway, that’d be bad for Sweetie Belle.”

“She’d find somepony and they’d be a better guardian anyway.”

“‘Cause that happened for me when my parents died.”

“Fine, you win this round.”

“Maybe I could get Twilight,” Zecora tried to be interesting as she waited for some magic pasta to cook. “Then we could easily take over Ponyville. But how would we take over Ponyville? If there are any ponies to kill because they’re disliked by society, the Big Mac fangirls take care of that, we don’t have the money to just buy everything in the city that’s privately owned, and... um... one of us could run for mayor, I guess, but that isn’t the point. We have to own or control everyone and everything in Ponyville. I’ll see what she thinks.”

“I can’t believe that awesome fight where we slayed that rabid wolf,” Rainbow said.

“An’ when we walked on our front hooves for lahke a minute.”

“We’re amazing that we did those things.”

“Yeah.”

“So it’s the last scene ever.”

“Yep.”

“Who’s gettin’ the last line?”

“Both of us. Ah mean, we trust an’ lahke each other an’ stuff. You’d do anythin’ for me an’ vahce versa, which raht now is givin’ the last lahne.”

“Yeah.”

Silence.

“Anythin’ you wanna contribute?” Applejack said.

“No, I agree with you.”

Silence.

“What should we say?” Applejack said.

“‘Last’?”

“It needs to be somethin’ creative at all.”

“You and Big Mac—”

“You an’ Twahlaht.”

“What?”

“Sorry.”

“We’re both the type to cheat like that.”

“We’re so perfect for each other.”

They hugged.

“What about final?” Rainbow said.

“Ultimate.”

“Postpenultimate.”

“Yeah. Okay, three, two, one...”

“Postpenultimate,” they both said.

CONGLATURATION !!!

YOU HAVE COMPLETED A GREAT FANFIC.

AND PROOVED THE LONELINESS OF ITS WRITER.

NOW GO OUTSIDE !