“So,” I detect you are wondering, “Will this chapter’s dialogue be effusive or very effusive? I will read it and discover the answer!”

Well, reader, I can tell you that the answer is effusive, because it’s a Zecora/Apple Bloom chapter, and they don’t have a relationship in this. Apple Bloom was about to take her first step down the Sweet Apple Acres stairs when she got a sudden feeling of dread and pessimism.

“Mmmmkay,” Apple Bloom said, “Ah know Ah’m gonna fall down these stairs, so Ah gotta minimahse the damage as much as possible. So if Ah step lahke this....”

She slowly stepped on the centre of the top stair and didn’t fall.

“‘Kay, so then this....”

She took her second step and didn’t fall.

“An’ this... an’ this....”

It literally took a minute, but she made it all the way down the stairs without injury.

“Ah... Ah did it! w00taronis! Take that, fate! Tahme ta get mah breakfast without dahin’.”

She made her way to the kitchen and grabbed an apple from a random basket which, despite being animated, was orange. The apple was orange, not the basket.

“Wm,” Apple Bloom said because she was carrying an apple in her mouth. She went back to the bottom of the stairs and put the apple down on the floor.

“Ah get it now,” she said. “This is where Ah’m gonna fall. Y’know, Ah think Ah’ll just eat the apple raht here, then go back upstairs. ‘Cause Ah’ll be able ta cahncentrate without the apple in mah mouth an’ then Ah’ll win. Yeah.”

She sat down against a wall and started eating the apple. About halfway through, a mystery pony knocked the front door.

“Nope,” Apple Bloom said, “Not gonna answer it.”

Applejack went to the top of the stairs and saw Apple Bloom.

“Hey, you wanna get the door?” Applejack said.

“Fahne.” She put the apple down and opened the door. It was Diamond Tiara, who hit her with an asymmetrically-weighted bar made of a sophisticated iron-chrome-carbon alloy.

“Big Mac!” Applejack said as she ran down the stairs, not tripping and dying.

Diamond Tiara hit Applejack in the knee, causing her to back up a couple steps. Big Mac came down some of the steps but stopped near the bottom.

“You’re good at maths,” Applejack said, “Think of a plan.”

“Charge.”

Diamond put the bar in her mouth and ran for it, but two healthy ponies in their late teens were somehow faster than a foal who only ever walked to go to and from school. Big Mac fairly effortlessly, even with a hoof, grabbed her right hindleg, causing her to stop moving and her knee to be dislocated from the sudden stoppage. Applejack tore the bar from her mouth and knocked her out before she could even try to beg for mercy. Big Mac stopped holding her.

“What should we do ‘bout Apple Bloom?” Applejack said.

“She’s hurt in any way, so take her to Zecora.”

“You take ‘er to Zecora, Ah’ll take out one ah Dahmond’s teeth.”

“Why?”

“Jus’ ‘cause it’s a small permanent injury. Good li’l’ warnin’.”

“Zecora has things for new teeth.”

“Really? Dammit....”

Big Mac set off for Zecora.

“Hmm...” Applejack said. “If she can get ‘em back....”

She took all of Diamond’s teeth out with a few hits from the bar, also giving her a broken jaw purely by accident from her wild swinging. With her now bleeding heavily from the mouth plus the whole knee thing, Applejack decided to take her to Zecora since it would be really lame if not one of the CMC killed her.

The journeys began to be had, and the interesting part was Applejack catching up to Big Mac halfway there.

“AJ?” Big Mac said. “What are—oh, because of the leg—what happened to her face?”

“Yeah, Ah kinda... er... Ah figured if she could get her teeth back, then....”

Big Mac didn’t respond.

They made it there uneventfully. Not my fault.

“Knock the door,” Applejack said.

“You do it.”

“You knock it.”

Big Mac gazed at her with wide, serious eyes. If that doesn’t sound so bad, imagine him next to you doing that right now.

“Crap, okay, Ah’ll do it.”

She did the bog standard double-knock, but there was no answer.

“Mellow yellow?” Applejack said.

Silence.

“What should we do?” she said to Big Mac since apparently she can’t make decisions today.

“Wait.”

“That’s uncreative.”

“So is baking a cake without plutonium.”

“Hey, that was tasty.”

Ten minutes later...

“An’ the fence fell over!” Applejack said. Big Mac laughed for a few seconds.

“I picked the right time to restart buying Amnesia Juice™,” Fluttershy said. She took a bottle by the couch and drank about two hundred millilitres of it. The drink inside, not the bottle.

Zecora came into view and within seconds was within talking without raised voices distance.

“Another Apple Bloom/Diamond Tiara battle, I see?”

“Not really,” Applejack said, “Apple Bloom lost then we beat the shit outta ‘er.”

“Apple Bloom?”

“Dahmond Tiara.”

“Oh. Come in.”

They all went in.

“Now drop the fillies on the ground and leave. Did either of you bring any mon... eyve...?”

They dropped the fillies on the ground.

“Ah sure didn’t,” said Applejack. “Big Mac?”

“Eenope.”

“Well, one of you bring a few hundred bits and come back.”

Applejack looked at Big Mac.

“Do I have to do everything today?” he said. “Catch Diamond, carry Apple Bloom, be uncreative, now this....”

“It’ll make ya look good in front ah Fluttershah,” Applejack made up just then. “Y’know, prolly.”

“That was just a crush.”

“Well, now you can make it a mutual crush.”

“That doesn’t make any—”

“Somepony go,” Zecora said.

Big Mac rolled his eyes and left.

“I got this from S-tonia,” Zecora said about some random bottle. We wanted to show Big Mac at the housebarn, but he wasn’t saying stuff due to being Big Mac.

“You’ve been there?” Applejack said.

“It isn’t far. Haven’t you ever been outside of Equestria?”

“No.”

Zecora didn’t respond.

“Sorry, but Ah’ve jus’ never needed to.”

“I once went to another country without needing to from a family holiday.”

“So you’re all travelled, big deal, you don’t need to be a Rarity about it.”

“I’m not, I just—”

“Well, some of us have families to feed. Or somethin’. Ah don’t care.”

Eventually, after some nervous sweat-inducing surgery but mostly magic plants, Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara were fully healed but unconscious.

“They gonna wake up any tahme soon?”

“In a few minutes. If Big Mac doesn’t come back here, though, I’ll rip his—”

There was a knock, answered by Applejack.

“Hey, Big Mac.”

Big Mac was wearing a bag thing. “I have the money.”

“Excellent,” Zecora said.

They spent a few minutes just waiting.

“You ponies took me to Zecora?” Diamond Tiara said.

“The agreement’s that you don’t kill each other, raht?” Applejack said.

“Not until the other two teammates are dead.”

“So we di’nt wanna kill you.”

“But you’re not really going to escort me safely back to my house.”

“Yeah, we are.”

“I’m sceptical.”

“Well, it’s your only choice.”

They set off.

“I remain sceptical,” Diamond Tiara said ten metres later.

“You won’ need to be if you shut up,” Applejack said.

After many moons, and by after many moons, I mean we should fuck, they made it to the Rich courtyard with zero notable things happening.

“Now you’re about to hurt me.”

They made it to the front door.

“Ah hate the colour ah this door,” Applejack said.

Big Mac kicked the door so hard it made an audible noise. They heard hoofsteps coming towards the door, but who would it be? Scootaloo? An axe-murderer? Scootaloo, who had recently become an axe-murderer? Rainbow Dash? Triple Treat? Jeremy from science? Filthy Rich? Actually, it was none of those.

“Welcome,” Filthetta Rich said. “I see you’ve returned, Diamond.”

“The attack didn’t go as I planned.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Please, come in.”

Diamond came in.

“Good-bye,” Filthetta said.

“Bye,” all three of the Apples said in perfect harmony.

And the door was shut.

“Guess we go back now,” Apple Bloom said.

“It’s tahmes lahke this Ah wish Ah was a unicorn,” Applejack said. “Also when Ah’m tired an’ apple-buckin’.”

“Do you wish you were a unicorn?” Big Mac said.

“Well, no, it’s just... sometahmes magic seems so convenient an’ easy an’ stuff.”

They all went back together on Segways.

Next Chapter: Chapter 162: VAGUELY UNSETTLING ALLCAPS QUESTION? Estimated time remaining: 22 Minutes