“Welperdoozerwhatsitaronihoovingstickflaketons,” Pinkie said, “The one regularly-occurring party of the year that I don’t plan: the Up Wood Day party at Sweet Apple Acres.” She picked up a card on the Sugarcube Corner counter. “Our Earthen viewers are probably wondering what the darn Up Wood Day is. Welps, the main traditions of Up Wood Day are overeating, much like Ha’llo’we’en and Faustmas, and smashing pieces of wood of the up tree with loved ones. It celebrates some religious thing I don’t remember, but hardly anypony cares about it anymore anyway. Pinkie Pie makes—wait a minute....”

Transcriber #2 giggled.

“That’s not funny,” Pinkie said, looking towards transcriber #2. “Well, actually, it is kinda funny, but it’s insulting. Anyway, I better get ready. Wait, ‘get ready’? What would I do? Guess I’m ready, so time to head over there.”

Averagewhile, Applejack was doing cooking-related stuff whilst Big Mac watched an ashleighball game. Then came the part where Apple Bloom walked into the scene, then came the part where dialogue ensued.

“Hey, mum,” Apple Bloom said.

“Hi, sweetie pie,” Applejack said with a smile on her face.

“Worst ship ever.”

Apple Bloom headed into the room with Big Mac in it. I still don’t know where a television would go in their house and I wish you would stop asking me.

“Wazzup in da house, daddy-O?”

“It’s tied nil–nil.”

“Cool. Ah’m gonna go back upstairs, leavin’ it a mystery as ta why Ah ever came down ‘ere.”

“Cool.”

“I’m not a member of the mane six anymore,” Rarity said, “So am I still invited?”

It was more silent than Rarity expected. She circumspectated the room.

“Sweetie Belle?” she said. “Where are you?”

Transcriber #1 knows where she is, but she’s not going to say (i.e., type) in case Rarity looks over at the laptop.

“She’s probably in her room.”

And so Rarity went in the direction of Sweetie Belle’s room, commonly known as “sweb”. When she finally made it, which believe me wasn’t the easiest thing in the world, she found a closed door. She briefly considered opening the door, but ultimately decided to knock on it. Sweetie Belle answered.

“I’m trying to make a crappy drawing that’ll be universally loved by my peers because they make drawings that are crappy in the same way so they think mine is good,” Sweetie Belle said, “So what is it?”

“Do you know if we’re still invited to Applejack’s Up Wood Day party?”

“Have you considered asking her?”

No response.

“So try that.”

“I will, thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

Rarity left for a communicative device, whether it be a phone or Facebook or whatever.

“What?” Twilight said. “It’s our turn? But Spike’s not here. Where is he, anyway? Crap, I don’t know where he is!”

Twilight searched for Spike and found him under the mattress.

“Spike?” Twilight said somewhat softly, applying pressure to him somewhat gently. “Are you awake?”

No answer.

“Spike,” Twilight said with a somewhat raised voice, pushing him almost but not quite enough for him to roll slightly. “Wake up.”

No answer.

“WAKE UP!” Twilight said, before picking Spike up and throwing him against a wall.

“Mweh...?” Spike said. “Why am I against a wall...? Why does my head hurt...?”

“Because I threw you against it so you would wake up.”

“Why do I need to wake uuup....”

“Because we have to get to the Up Wood Day party.”

“Mmmmmm....”

“Do you need me to throw you at another wall?”

“No....”

“Then get up.”

Meanwhile, Rainbow was flying and thinking about stuff. Fluttershy was... um... walking... okay, so they’re not doing anything interesting.

“You’re technically invited to the Up Wood Day party stroke celebration,” Lyra said over a cup of water that, like all tap water in Equestria, had secretly been spiked with lead by the state. Or was that publicly, and fluoride? I forget sometimes.

“I know I’m supposed to be part of the mane six, but I never really talk or do anything with them. I’d feel strange showing up there.”

“They’ll be expecting you to be there, you know.”

“I know.”

“Then what’s the problem? You don’t have to ‘feel strange showing up there’. They want you to be there.”

“Perhaps you have a point.”

“Exactly. So get over there before they start wondering where you are.”

“You mean I should just leave this second?”

“Yes.”

Octavia got up and started to walk for the door.

“Bye,” Lyra said.

Octavia kept walking and eventually left the building.

In completely random order, Rarity, Spike, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Octavia, and Sweetie Belle arrived at a Sweet Apple Acres entry point at exactly the same time. They were also carrying exactly the same amount of thyme, none.

“Last one to the door is a rotten pancreas,” Rainbow said. Twilight teleported inside, Rainbow flew to the door, Pinkie and Spike ran really fast, and the other four didn’t care.

Applejack looked in the direction of the door and saw Twilight and Rainbow.

“Straw,” Applejack said.

With two his, the response was clear.

“Come over here, Rainbow.”

“Why?”

“‘Cause we need to snog.”

“You look like you’re doing stuff.”

“Nah, Ah’m just kinda here.”

“‘Kay.”

Rainbow went to Applejack and snogging and blah blah blah love. Then Pinkie Pie and Spike entered the building.

“Yo wazzuparonist—”

Twilight put a hoof over Pinkie’s mouth, then didn’t.

“I’m doing fine,” Twilight said.

“Well, I’m doing finer.”

“I’m glad to hear you’re happy.”

“Fuck you.”

“What did I ever do?”

“You said... um... well, you said positive words, but in a very sarcastic smug-type tone. You could just hear the Rarityish satisfaction with yourself when you said ‘I’m glad to hear you’re happy’.”

“Well, I’m going to go and beg Rainbow for anything remotely sexual, only to get rejected because Applejack is near her.”

“Good.”

Twilight went over to Rainbow and Applejack, who looked like they were having fun with their kissing lying on the floor times.

“Rainbow?” Twilight said.

Rainbow shattered the kiss to ribbons, looked up at Twilight, said “no”, then resumed her business.

The scene was ready to get boring, but the 4mal 4 had just arrived 4 seconds ago, meaning it had to continue. Or you could say it did end and the portion with them was another scene. Either way, they all noticed Rainbow and Applejack.

“They could’ve at least waited 4 us be4 starting that,” Rarity said.

No response.

“What? Am I wrong?”

“We’re too quiet to respond,” Octavia said.

“Ah. Well, I expected a proper greeting and I’m going to get one.” She went to them. “Applejack? Rainbow Dash?”

They snapped out of their snogging and looked up at Rarity.

“What?” Applejack said.

“I expected a proper greeting and I’m going to get one.”

“Hey.”

“That’s it?”

Applejack noticed Fluttershy, Octavia, and Sweetie Belle.

“Hey, ponies.”

No response.

“Well, Ah’m gonna snog with Rainbow for a couple more minutes then maybe check on cookin’y stuff or somethin’. Ah dunno. lol.”

“What do we do now?” Sweetie Belle said to no one in particular, fully expecting an answer.

“There’s no food to overeat,” Fluttershy said.

“I’m going to say hi to Apple Bloom,” Sweetie Belle said. “Maybe hello if I’m feeling ambitious.”

So she was off. Instead of nothing happening, Fluttershy and Octavia looked at each other. They didn’t say anything, just looked into each other’s eyes. Rarity was going to go back to them, but thought she would be interrupting something. That makes it sound like she had some mystical fuzzy inexplicable feeling about it, but you know. She saw they were looking at each other and thought a conversation was going to happen.

“I don’t want to say anything for sure yet,” Fluttershy said, “But I think I love you.”

“Excuse me?” Octavia said, confused both about the love and that Fluttershy said something reasonably unprovoked.

“I think if we spent some time together, we would realise that we love each other.”

“What? Look, I’m already in a closed relationship with Lyra.”

“No, I mean in a platonic way. Why, did that sound like I meant it romantically?”

“Yes.”

Fluttershy thought over what she said. “You’re right, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. But yes, we could, perhaps, become good friends. I’m not trying to say things like ‘perhaps’ to imply that we probably wouldn’t like each other, just to agree with you that it has a small but still existent chance of not working.”

“I know.”

Rarity went to them since the interrupting no longer seemed to apply.

“Octavia?” she said.

“Yes?”

“Can we talk so I can feel like I have friends?”

“I’m sorry, I know you’re a good pony, but I’m already committed to Fluttershy.”

“Okay....”

And so Rarity exploded. Or maybe she didn’t. Yeah, she didn’t.

“Is there anything we both have an interest in?” to Fluttershy said Octavia.

“Not that I know of....”

“Does that mean you’ll talk with me instead and make me feel wanted and loved?” Rarity said.

“Sure,” Octavia said.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, why would you ask me that?”

“You said ‘sure’. That’s not nearly formal enough. Are you really Octavia?”

“If I say yes, you won’t believe me, and if I say no, you’ll just be confused.”

“That sounds like your problem, not mine.”

“Fluttershy, do you like documentaries with agendae?”

“I like documentaries with morals. Why?”

“Because taste in television or films is the best way to tell if somepony can a friend of another pony. Why, do you not know that?”

“Of course I do.”

“Does this mean you’ll talk with me instead and make me feel wanted and loved?” Rarity said.

“Sure,” Octavia said.

“Okay, so Applejack is doing cooking stuff for a minute,” Twilight said, “So now can we do something? At least for a minute?”

“Will you not nearly kill me?”

“I swear I won’t hurt you. You can kill me or something if I do.”

“Death sounds like a harsh punishment for injury.”

“You know what I mean.”

“And you want me to do stuff to you.”

“Not right now. So do you want to snog or not?”

“I’ve been more feeling more like AJ.”

“Please?”

“No.”

“Beautiful please?”

“No.”

“I love you....”

“No.”

“I know I’m not all perfect like you think AJ is even though I’m obviously a better pony than her, I mean—”

“Twilight.”

“Sorry... I know Appledash is the right thing, it’s just that I’m her love rival, so....”

“It’s okay.”

“Please?”

“Be more dramatic about it.”

“I don’t feel like begging, though.”

“Fine. Then you’re not getting anything.”

“Fine!”

They turned away from each other.

“This is where you beg and stuff,” Rainbow said.

“No.”

“Fine. Then you’re not getting anything.”

“Fine!”

Okay, so we have Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle, Appledash, and Rarity and Octavia, for which leaves Fluttershy, Twilight, Spike, and Pinkie Pie unaccounted. So Twilight went to Fluttershy.

“Gehennao,” Fluttershy said.

“So... antisocial stuffs?”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“Why?”

“Why would you walk up to me like that if you were antisocial?”

“I’m so bad with social stuff that I don’t understand why that doesn’t make sense.”

“Um... that doesn’t... don’t you have Spike to talk with?”

“I guess you’re right.”

Twilight made the journey to Spike. This left Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie the fantastic rhyming duo, not to be confused with the time Scootaloo and Zecora wrote a song together, to talk about something. What would it be? Religion? Shipping? Politics? Something less emotionally charged? There’s only one way to find out!

“Howdy, Fluttershy,” Pinkie said in a severely overdone impression of Applejack.

“Hello.”

“You what we need to talk about? Shipping and religion.”

“Are you sure—”

“Yes, I’m sure of whatever you were about to say. We’re the two friendliest ponies evar, how could we possibly get in an argument? I mean, try to imagine that. Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy arguing. Doesn’t make sense, does it?”

“What can we even—”

“You like documentaries that document things everypony already knows, right?”

“I like documentaries with morals.”

“Oh.”

The awkwardness was measurable by awkrometers fifteen hundred kilometres away.

“We’re actually pretty much opposites,” Pinkie said, and even though everyone knows the pairs of oppositely-personalitied mane six ponies are Rainbow/Fluttershy, Applejack/Rarity, and Twilight/Pinkie, she does kind of have a point. There was no response. “Am I boring you?”

“No.”

“Be honest.”

“Slightly....”

“Why do you feel like you have to lie to me?”

“It’s the polite thing to do. You always say that your friend looks nice or a present is good even when it’s not true.”

“Yeah. I guess you have a point.”

Another silence.

“This isn’t working out,” Pinkie said.

Breathe. You’ve been reading this way too quickly. Just breathe in... haaaaa... breathe out... haaaaa. There. Doesn’t that feel nice?

“Foodstuffs!” Applejack said.

“Foodstuffs?!” Pinkie Pie, Rainbow, Twilight, and Spike said.

“Foodstuffs?” Fluttershy, Rarity, Octavia, and Big Mac said.

“Big Mac,” Applejack said, “Can you get Apple Bloom an’ Sweetie Belle?”

“Eeyup.”

And so Big Mac went off to do that. Laid out on the table were most of the traditional Up Wood Day foodstuffs, which will now be listed (what was on the table, not the set of traditional Up Wood foodstuffs): cranberry sauce, cranberry “sauce”, cranberry πe, cranberry bread, rolls, cranberry jam, trail mix (dried cranberries, dried blueberries, peanuts), and cranberry juice.

“So yeah,” Applejack said, “Foodstuffs.”

“It looks crantastic,” Pinkie said.

Silence.

“Twilight?” Pinkie said.

“What?”

“If you have an urge to kill or something, you can go ahead on me.”

“You can live.”

“Thanks.”

And so everypony, including Big Mac, Apple Bloom, and Sweetie Belle, sat down for the first part of traditional Up Wood Day festivities, the second and last part of which is the stuff with the wood. You have to do it in order. Like, you don’t unwrap your birthday presents before you eat the cake, right? Well, maybe you do, but normal people don’t. Replace “do” with “did” depending upon your age. Anyway, everyone got their initial food, then some dialogue happened.

“Nom,” Apple Bloom said.

“Om nom,” Sweetie Belle said.

“Om Shanti Nom.”

“I’m one thirty-seventh Vietnomese.”

“Ah got nominated for an obscure but prestigious science award.”

“Do you know about a NOM for Cooking Nomma?”

“There’s one at pahracytahmes.nom.”

Silence.

“You give up?” Apple Bloom said with a smug, slightly pouted face.

“My effort was pretty nominal anyway.”

“Ah’m still gonna nominate.”

“What if I like to nom on nominy?”

“Ah’m still the more nomulent pony.”

“Don’t give me any of that nomsense.”

“You’re the one with the intelligence of a nombat.”

“Well, you... um....”

“Give up now?”

“Yeah. You win.”

“This’s suddenly turned inta a pretty nombre day for ya.”

“Shut up, you already won.”

Apple Bloom took a sporkful of cranberry sauce... and ate it! However, all that happened after that was boring dialogue, or sometimes storytelling monologue. Occasionally, everyone at the table would laugh (except Big Mac, because I can’t imagine what him laughing would sound like without being traumatised for a week), implying something funny was said, but all of the things they laughed at were either in-jokes I don’t understand, cliché self-deprecation, or terrible puns.

Eventually, everyone had all their food, someone made a cliché comment about how they ate too much on Up Wood Day again, someone else made a cliché response about how that’s the point of the holiday, moderate dispersion ensued, and it was time for the second part of the traditions to begin. Rainbow walked up to Applejack. Actually, there was barely any change in her z-position. Why is height y in Minecraft? That doesn’t make any sense! Normally it’s z, and even x would sort of make sense, but having y as height is like writing a date and putting the year in the middle. Or the day, I guess. The point is, what culture would be dumb enough to write dates with the day in the middle?

“AJ?” Rainbow said to Applejack, who was standing around doing nothing. There was no response, so she waved her hoof in front of Applejack’s face. “You okay?” There was no response, so Rainbow slapped her in the cheek.

“Huh?” Applejack said. “Oh, hi, Rainbow. How long’ve you been there?”

“Just a few seconds. I came up to you and you were just kinda... vacant.”

“Sorry. Um, did you wanna tell me somethin’?”

“Yeah. Um, look—” Rainbow stopped herself for a second. “Actually, I’m not sure if I wanna tell you this yet.”

“What? You can tell me anythin’, we’re us.”

“Well, it’s just, it’s going to seem really sudden... I don’t even know if I’m ready for it yet, but I know it’s the right thing to do.”

“What? This’s ahbviously somethin’ Ah need to know, so tell me.”

“Well... I think we should break up.”

“What... but... whah...? What did Ah do?” Applejack tried to hold back tears, succeeding.

“You’ve been a really awesome pony to me, so—”

“You don’t need to soften the blow, just tell me whah you’re doin’ this.”

“Because we love each other and it’s, y’know, the standard thing for ponies who love each other to do today.”

“What?” She sniffled. “Ah was really shocked an’ sad, but now Ah’m confused.”

“Do I need to draw you some fanart? We should get some planks of wood—”

“Ohhhh. Okay. Yeah, Ah see. Ah thought you meant break up lahke end our relationship....”

“No. Why would I ever leave you?”

“Well, it could happen....”

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “No, it couldn’t. Anyway, you wanna do that stuff?”

“Ah course Ah do, Ah’ll go an’ get the wood.”

“I’ll change a word of my fanfic and call it a productive day.”

“Cool.”

Which left the question of what everyone else was going to do. We have Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle, Octavia and Rarity, Twilight and Spike, and Fluttershy and Pinkie. Relations between the last two are deteriorating, though. No, we can’t have more than two in a group, are you crazy? We’ll put Fluttershy with Big Mac.

“Fluttershy,” Fluttershy said to herself, “This standing around thing isn’t working. You’re not talking with anypony or even overeating. You need to get a designated friend.” She looked through a conveniently existent straight line, much like the one from Verdanturf to Mauville Beach—um, transcriber #2?

“What?”

“I don’t get it.”

“It’s a Pokémon reference.”

“Okay, but it’s kinda... in your face, you know?”

“Maybe if we lampshade it really well. And then lampshade the lampshading! And then lampshade that lampshading. And then—”

“No amount of self-reference will let me forgive you.”

“So if I mentioned that no matter how much—”

“No.”

She saw Big Mac idly watching television. She decided that, you know, they shared some personality traits, and she went over to him. Big Mac did a brief wave, which just made her more nervous than if he had talked.

“Hi,” Fluttershy said quietly even for her.

“Is there a reason you came over here?”

“We need to talk.”

“About?”

“No, just in general.”

“Why?”

“Because I got lonely.”

“You’re Fluttershy. Do you secretly love me?”

“No. I openly love Rainbow Dash.”

“But she’s never going to be with you.”

“I know, but that doesn’t change the fact that I love her.”

“Why do we need to talk?”

“Because standing around doing nothing didn’t work for me and I don’t want to overeat.”

“That’s your problem.”

“Come on, you’re not like that. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. What happened to Pinkie Pie?”

“We couldn’t really find a reason to talk.”

She didn’t respond.

“Are you sure you don’t secretly love me?” Big Mac said.

“Yes.”

“I believe you, but you’re acting like....”

“I know.” She slowly backed away.

“Ah got the wood,” Applejack said. She was wearing a couple bags full of up boards.

“Cool.”

“Whah do you care, Apple Bloom?”

“Ah don’t, really.”

“Where’s Rainbow?”

“She’s outsahde.”

“What?”

“She’s—”

“Yeah, Ah know what you said.”

Applejack opened the door and looked outside to find Rainbow sitting against the front wall.

“Did Ah walk right bah you?”

“Yes.”

She went fully outside and closed the door. “Sorry.”

“I still love you.”

“♥.”

“Now I don’t love you.”

“Fine, let’s break up.”

“That’s exactly what we don’t be doing, because we’re not together anymore.”

“Ah’ll just break up with Big Mac, then.”

“Fine!”

Applejack didn’t go anywhere.

“Take me back,” Applejack said.

“I’m sorry I ever left you.”

They walked in a random direction for a bit.

“What do you think of here?” Rainbow said. “Nice secluded clearing.”

“How did we get into this forest?”

“I don’t know.” She looked around. “Do you remember where we came from?”

“Ah think it was that way....”

“Are we lost?”

“Yeah, we’re lost.”

They had sex.

“Male stuff,” Spike said, presumably to Big Mac. The transcriber looked up from her laptop. Yeah, it was Big Mac.

“Ashleighball stuff,” Big Mac said.

“Pretending I know anything about the subject.”

“Antisocial stuff?” Fluttershy said to Twilight.

“Antisocial stuff.”

“How do I make Rainbow love me more?”

“Ask Applejack.”

“Fancy stuff,” Rarity said.

“We’ve already gone over that,” Octavia said.

“Okay,” Pinkie said, “How am I the lonely one? Rarity and Fluttershy and Big Mac and Octavia are all here and Pinkie Pie is the lonely one? That’s just not right.” She made her way over to Spike and, by the transitive property of equality, Big Mac.

“Spike,” Pinkie said, interrupting something Big Mac was saying.

“What?” spoke Spike, turning his head to Pinkie.

“We need to talk about immature stuffs or something. I can’t be the lonely one, I’m Pinkie Pie.”

“I’m already busy pretending to know about sports stuff.”

“But how can I be the lonely one when Rarity, Fluttershy, Big Mac, and Octavia are all at the same party?! It doesn’t make sense!”

“Well, you know what else doesn’t make sense? Dark energy. But it still exists.”

“Fine. I’ll just hijack a different pony. Well, you’re a dragon, but you know.”

“Like?”

“Like I could... um... I don’t know, everypony seems happy. But I’ll find a way. You’ll see.”

Pinkie slowly backed away towards the table, then ate something to make it seem like there was a non-awkward purpose to her movement.

“Ah was really imaginin’ somewhere more hill cresty,” Applejack said, “Since, y’know, that’d be romantic ‘n’ stuff.”

“Yeah, I see what you mean.”

“That’s offensive.”

“You’re politically correct.”

“Maybe we ain’t so perfect for each other.”

“Fine. I’ll fly a... fly away... I could fly up to tell where we are! Why didn’t I think of that?”

“Well, do it!”

“Is that Rainbow Dash?” Sweetie Belle said, looking out a window which never needed to be mentioned before.

“No,” Apple Bloom said as she wrote an unpunctuated rant about an update to some game that made it more balanced.

“Come over here, I swear.”

Rainbow went back down just before Apple Bloom turned around. She went over to the window.

“Are you gonna tell me she just left?” Apple Bloom said.

“Yep. But it’s all on camera, so you’ll see.”

“Ah would say about how Ah’m all sceptical or whatever, but Ah’m actually kinda not.”

Sweetie Belle wrapped a leg around Apple Bloom’s neck and pulled her closer, and by “closer” I mean “to physical contact”. Then someone mentioned atoms and how you can’t actually touch things or something like that, but you know what I mean. Well, I shouldn’t complain, I’m one of those people who hates it when people call Mount Everest anything more than the mountain with the highest peak above sea level. Anyway, Sweetie Belle gave her a “hug”.

“I love you,” Sweetie Belle said.

“What?”

“In a platonic way.”

“Then Ah love ya too.”

“Really?!”

“Yeah... you know Ah meant in a platonic way too, raht?”

“Uh, yeah, obviously. Don’t be so condescending, Faust.”

“Ah’m goin’ back to rantin’.”

“Okay.”

“So where are we?” Applejack said.

“If we go straight that way,” Rainbow pointed in a direction, “We can get back to the barn, and if we go that way,” she pointed in a direction, “There’s a good hill.”

“Let’s go the hill way.”

“Cool.”

“So you two are on the market?” Pinkie said.

“Big Mac kicked me out once he realised everything I was saying was just jokes insulting myself for how little I knew,” Spike said.

“All I did was talk about my fashion achievements a little,” Rarity said. “I don’t see what’s wrong with being proud of yourself.”

“I’ll take Spike.”

“What?!” Rarity said, stamping her hoof once. “Wait, what about us, Spike? We should just be together.”

“Be together?”

“Not like that, like talk with each other. After all, you like me for my personality, don’t you? Not just because I’m attractive?”

“Yeeeaaah... you see, I don’t like you as much as you think....”

“What? But I thought you honestly liked me!”

“I don’t think you’re a terrible pony, I just don’t think you’re completely perfect like you think.”

“Wait. Do you, overall, love me or not?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

“So, Spike?” Pinkie said.

“Relaxed fun informal stuffs?” Spike said.

“Excited fun informal stuffs.”

“Now what?” Rarity said to herself. “My only options are Octavia, who just picked me under loneliness, and Big Mac, and I don’t even like him. He’s so... well... actually, he doesn’t have a lot of the same traits as Applejack and Apple Bloom. I could go on for hours about why I hate Applejack. Not Apple Bloom since she’s sufficiently young that I would feel bad for hating her, but Big Mac... I should at least talk to him to see for sure whether I should hate him or not.”

And so Rarity walked over to him.

“Hello, Big Macintosh,” Rarity wait, intosh?

“‘Macintosh’?” exactly, Big Mac.

“Sorry. Anyway, I was wondering if I could talk to you about something.”

“What?”

“Not anything specific, just... something.”

“Do you secretly love me?”

“Well, that’s what I’m trying to find out. You see, you don’t have a few of the things I hate your siblings for, so I was wondering to myself how good of a pony I should think of you as.”

“I still hate you.”

“Fine. I hate you too.”

“I don’t care about your opinions.”

“I don’t care about your opinions.”

And that’s how she walked away from the only pony who would ever support her. Okay, he wouldn’t support her.

“This is a nahce place,” Applejack said. “Ah like the view with the slightly rollin’ hills for sunset-watchin’. The drop’s a bit steeper an’ haher than Ah imagined, though. Ah mean, it ain’t a cliff, but fallin’ down it would still hurt.”

“Why, did you wanna roll down it or something?”

“Yeah....”

“That’s for ponies who’re still realising they’re in love. I mean, when you see two ponies romantically rolling down a hill, do you think ‘wow, they’ve prolly been in a relationship for a while now’? No.”

“Ah guess.”

“Look, you’re not going to get the nice, gradual hill of your dreams without going way over your budget.”

“This’ll do. You’re raht anyway, we’re way past stuff like that.”

“Do you really mean that or is that just what you’re tellin’ yourself?”

“Well... Ah wanna roll down a hill with you.”

Rainbow sighed and Applejack took her bags off.

“Let’s just do this,” Applejack said.

“Hey, not if you’re gonna be like that. We’re only doing this once a year, so I want you to have fun.”

“Whah do you care about all this soppy love stuff anyway? An’ don’t rant again.”

“I care about you being happy. Come on, sit down.”

Rainbow sat down with her lower legs over the edge of the feature, Applejack doing the same.

“You okay?” Rainbow said.

“Ah’m fahne, all raht?”

“Look, it’s not the nice somewhat gradual hill you wanted, but you’re still doing stuff with me, right? You like that.”

“Ah guess.” Applejack hugged Rainbow, which was a lot less awkward than normal with them sitting. “Can’t we just go over to the hills there in the background?”

“Why is the location so important to you in the first place?”

“Slaht hills are romantic. Am Ah the only one that thinks that?”

“I just don’t really care where we do this.”

“Well, it makes a difference to me, so come on.”

“Um...” said Octavia. Big Mac looked at her. “We’re both alone and Rarity and myself and Rarity and you didn’t work out, so this was the logical thing to do, but... it’s not that I don’t like you....”

“You don’t have to like me.”

“I know, but... take Applejack. I know she dislikes me, but I don’t have a problem with her. I respect the way she lives. So we could like each other.”

“Lyra’s associated with you enough to be invited.”

“She is?”

“Eeyup.”

“I wish I knew, then—”

Lyra appeared out of thin air directly in front of Octavia.

“Lyra?” Octavia said.

“I was watching ERN’s live coverage of Up Wood Day ‘012 and I saw you were lonely. Come on, let’s find a furniture to snog on.”

“I didn’t know there was live coverage.”

“You’re coming with me.”

Rainbow Dash and Applejack were sitting at the summit of a moderately rolling hill. It was immediately surrounded by other rolling hills much like it. Off to their left and part of their forward was the forest from whence they came, whilst off to their forward, backward, and right were mountains. The mountains were devoid of snow but absolutely covered in trees, which sounds normal, but in the second dimension it’s usually the opposite.

“Feel better now?” Rainbow said.

“Yeah,” said Applejack before hugging her. “Ah’m sorry. Ah know it’s about the fun an’ romance ah breakin’ up an’ not picture-perfect hills, but Ah still wanted everythin’ to be perfect, ‘cause lahke you said, it only ‘appens once a year, so....”

“It’s okay.” Rainbow hugged her. “I mean, to be honest, I thought you were being ridiculous and I still do, but it’s okay.”

“Whah’s it okay, then?”

“‘Cause I love and respect you and stuff. You just wanted to make the most out of your time with your wi’l’ Wainbow.”

Applejack pushed her away. “Ah already told ya not to say that.”

“Whatever.” Rainbow took a plank of up and held it out to Applejack. “Here, take out your anger on the entire point we came out here.”

“Ah’m not really mad, just slahtly irritated.”

Rainbow punched Applejack in the cheek.

“Hey!” Applejack said, briefly rubbing her cheek. “The hell was that for?!”

“Tryin’ to make you mad.”

“Well, it didn’t work, but the fact that you would want me mad makes me mad.” She took the board and smashed it against the ground, breaking it in two. Applejack looked at the wood for a couple seconds in pure emotion. None of the transcribers were sure whether it was anger or satisfaction or what, but she definitely felt very strongly. She turned to Rainbow.

“Is that just what you planned?” Applejack said.

“No, but it worked, so whatever.”

“That’s not what Ah wanted you to say.”

“Well, I’m sorry I’m not completely predictable and easy to manipulate. What did you want me to say?”

“What did Ah absolutely most want ya to say?”

“Yeah.”

“We should fuck right here, right now,” Applejack said in an uncanny impression of her.

“Well, if you wanna have sex, you can just say so, you don’t need to be all builduppy about it. The ground might be a bit unsanitary, though.”

Applejack threw off her hat, grabbed and started kissing Rainbow, and Rainbow pushed her a bit or bit her tongue or did something to make her stop.

“What?” Applejack said. Then it got windy.

“This ground thing is a serious problem.”

“You’re fuckin’ with me. We’ve spontaneously stopped in random places before and had sex. Not as much as you an’ Twahlaht from what Ah understand, but it’s still happened.”

“I think we should be more careful.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. I was talking with Rarity—”

“Okay, you’re makin’ this up. Just fuck me.”

“Why are you suddenly so Twilighty?”

“Fahne.” Applejack took a plank from the bags. “C’mon, you haven’t broken a piece yet.”

Rainbow took it, looked at it for a moment, and put it down.  “I don’t know, I’m just not in the mood.”

“Well, if you don’t wanna have sex or break up, then Ah have no ahdea whah we’re even here.”

“Just a second. This is gonna seem weird, but just don’t talk for a few seconds.”

Several seconds later...

“Okay,” Rainbow said, “I feel normal again.”

“What was that about?”

“I don’t know, I just got into this weird mode where I didn’t feel like anything. Not feeling like sleeping or anything like that, just didn’t feel like... anything.”

“But you’re better now?”

“Yeah.”

“So you’re ready to break up?”

“So we can have sex now.”

“Okay.”

And so they started laid-down holding each other kissing, but thirty seconds in there was a critical leaning error and they broke apart and rolled down the hill. They got up and went to each other.

“You okay?” Applejack said.

“I’m fine, you?”

“Yeah. Wanna trah again down ‘ere?”

“Sure.”

“There has to be somepony to make me feel cared about,” Rarity told herself. “Let’s see, Pinkie Pie and Spike, we all know how that went, Octavia and Lyra look pretty, well... comfortable with each other, Big Mac didn’t work out, but Twilight or Fluttershy....”

And so Rarity went over to Twilight and Fluttershy, who were snogging on a surprisingly bottom-heavy chair. No, not really. The thing about the bottom-heavy chairs is true, though.

“Um...” Rarity said like she was Fluttershy, interrupting what must’ve been a very interesting conversation. Okay, so Fluttershy was eating some cranberry bread and Twilight was leaning back with her eyes closed having a sex fantasy, but I can dream. Twilight opened her eyes when she heard Rarity.

“Look,” Twilight said, “We’re having a good time together. Can’t you just let a couple of friends hang out without having to—”

“Fine,” Rarity said. “Like I need you anyway.” She walked off to somewhere else.

“You know, Fluttershy,” Twilight said, “We’re supposed to be good friends, but this is the first time we’ve seen each other in a while now.”

“You and Rarity? I—”

“No, us. Look, Fluttershy, I know I never get to spend much time with you, but I want you to know that I still love you.”

“I never thought you didn’t.”

“Thank you.”

“Um... I’m sorry if this is none of my business, but just to avoid silence, what were you doing when you were just on the chair with your eyes closed for a couple minutes? Were you tired?”

“I was thinking. About something very... very...”

“If you’d rather not talk—”

“No, no, I don’t want you to think it’s anything creepy.”

“If you want to keep it to yourself, that’s fine.”

“I guess, it’s just that I don’t want you to think it’s something insane or....”

“No, I wouldn’t think that.”

“Okay....”

Twilight took a bite of cranberry “sauce” in a vain attempt to make the silence less awkward.

They’re still having sex? Dammit, there’s nothing else to show!

“You know,” Sweetie Belle said, “I could help with—crap, we’re on.”

“What?”

“Um, I was just talking to Apple Bloom about... fanfiction... that we... were writing.”

“Exactly,” Apple Bloom said. “Creepy fanfiction. Definitely not somethin’ you’d wanna hear about!”

“Nope. Because that’s what we were talking about: creepy fanfiction.”

“Eeeeexactly.”

“I’d be willing to experiment,” Pinkie said. “Never tried it with a dragon, of course, but—”

“Um, Pinkie?”

“What? Oh, um, crap. It’s not what it looks like. You know on that show when the kid heard part of a conversation her parents were having out of context and she thought they hated her? It’s like that.”

“You don’t need to see our identification.”

“Move along.”

Octavia and Lyra were still snogging and in no position to do anything, whilst Big Mac was watching television and eating bread.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash lying next to each other. IN SPACE! No, not really. But you know what should be in space? Pancakes. Okay, I just looked up the ISS menu, and apparently there are pancakes in space. I mean, how awesome is that? Pancakes in space!

“Rainbow?” Applejack said.

“Yeah?”

“Maybe this is a bad tahme to ask, but Ah think we should break up.”

Rainbow didn’t respond.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“Break up? Why would you think now is a good time to tell me that? Why do you even want to break up with me anyway?”

“Well, duh, we’re in love an’ stuff.”

“What?”

“We’ve only done, lahke, one today.”

“I don’t under... oh, you mean like break some up.”

“Yeah. What did you think Ah meant?”

“Like you were leaving me.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

Rainbow kissed Applejack briefly to make the next line feel relevant. “Don’t leave me.”

“Ah would never do that.”

“What if I killed somepony?”

“Well, it depends on who.”

“You know what, let’s just break up already.”

“But Ah thought—”

“With the height difference we’re working with?” Pinkie said. “You’re not seriously—um, again, it’s not what it sounds like.”

“We’d explain it to you, but it’s a secret,” Spike said.

“Exactly. So go away.”

“Are you sure you can hold ‘er down?” Apple Bloom said.

“Unless you—um, Apple Bloom?”

“What?” She looked towards the camera. “Oh. We’re not plannin’ anythin’ illegal.”

“Why would two innocent foals plan something so illegal?”

“We’re nahce.”

“Not rape,” Fluttershy said. “But if she would just force me into a kiss, I would really like that.”

“I see,” Twilight said.

“More than anything in the world, I just wish she would... how should I put this....”

“Make you her bitch?”

“Well, yes, but a milder version of that.”

“In terms of swearing or the actual message?”

“Both.”

“Okay,” Rainbow said. “We’ve been through a lot today, and by a lot I mean bad timing and sex—the sex wasn’t bad, just the timing—but we’re finally ready to break up.”

“Wh—”

“Wood. Break some up wood.”

“Got it. Yeah, Ah agree.”

“Okay.” Rainbow took a slab and threw it Frisbee®-style. It hit a tree and shattered into hundreds of pieces.

Applejack grabbed a piece. “Ahkay. It’s all in the... wrist...?”

“Yeah, that doesn’t apply to us.”

“Fuck it.” She threw it flying disc-style. It bounced off the ground and uppercut her opponent, causing it 62 (+5) damage.

“Yeah, but then the whole ‘no lubricant’—” Spike noticed they were on, “Oh, for fuck’s sakes.”

“So then there’s nothing stopping you from putting the knife in her heart or throat or wherever and we’re done,” Sweetie Belle said.

“That’s a great plan for the video game,” Apple Bloom said.

“Oh, yes. The video game. Which we are making plans for.”

“Yes. That video game.”

“Maybe mix it up a bit,” Rainbow said. She threw it with the large side in front of her, but it didn’t even reach halfway down the hill before it hit the ground, staying completely intact. “Fuck.”

“There’s a reason you throw it like you do,” Applejack said. She took a piece and threw it like a normal pony, for it to curve horribly and land more right than it did forwards.

“Nice distance, at least...” Rainbow said.

“C’mon, you don’t have to be so positive.”

“You are fucking terrible at this. The sloppiness in the way you throw is only exceeded by that in the way you eat or—”

“You know what Ah mean.”

“That doesn’t mean I have to do it.”

“Just throw a fuckin’ block. It’s your turn.”

“Hey, this is what delayed us for so long before. I want you to be happy.”

“Actually, what really delayed us was all the sex we had.”

“Yeah, well, what can you do about that.”

“Have any self-control at all. Ah mean, we just dropped everythin’—which, to be fair, was only some up an’ mah hat—wait, Ah should get that.” Applejack turned around. “Er, Rainbow?”

Rainbow turned around. “It’s gone.”

“Yep.”

Silence.

“Do you remember which way the wind was goin’ when you put your hat—” Rainbow said.

“Ah think that way, but it’s prolly forever away now.”

“‘Forever away’?”

“Well, you say stuff’s lahke ‘fifteen minutes away’, so y’know....”

“Fair enough. Um, I’m gonna at least go over there for a couple minutes, not too long, and see what I can do.”

“Okay.”

Rainbow flew up and away.

“Okay,” Rainbow said, “Super serious searchy ti—” she saw the hat behind a hill that was the only reason they didn’t just see it immediately. “Oh, it’s right there.”

She went down, got the hat, and came back.

“It wasn’t too far.”

“Yeah, Ah saw ya the whole tahme.”

“Cool. So whose turn was it?”

“...Uh....”

“Look at the transcript?”

“Yeah.”

“I swear, if you do that I will go absolutely crazy,” Pinkie said.

“How fast so I should I do it, though?”

“Spike.”

“There aren’t any stupid questions when we’re working with something like this.”

“As fast as you can possibly do it.”

“Okay.”

“And that’s my argument against those conversation starter cards,” Twilight said.

“You should say it all over again.”

“Why? Oh, cameras. Okay, well, basically, cutting all the minor details and swearing out, how hateful disconnectedness does your family or whatever have to be that you actually need a deck of conversation-starters to start a conversation?”

“What about the other point you made?”

“Is that major enough? Okay. And how would you introduce the cards? Would you just walk up to your family whilst they were eating their nuclear family Up Wood dinner and say ‘hey, I bought a bunch of cards with conversation-starters on them’? It would be the most awkward thing ever. Or maybe you could stay up in the middle of the night, put them somewhere prominent, and then the next day deny you had anything to do with them, just like everypony else will.”

Fluttershy succeeded in suppressing her laughter, but still smiled.

“Okay, we’re on again,” Rainbow said, holding a piece of up. What do you mean “how big are the up boards”? It’s not important. “So, it’s my turn, and....”

She threw it and it hit the same tree as before, smashing in a more large-pieced, splintery fashion than the earlier one.

“You lahke that tree,” Applejack said.

“You don’t have enough data points.”

Applejack took a piece and threw it and it hit the ground and broke a little. It wasn’t a good one.

“Good aim,” Rainbow said.

“What did Ah say about positivity?”

“I’m just trying to be nice.”

“Ah don’t like you ‘cause you’re unconditionally nice. Just be Rainbow Dash.”

“You’re biased.”

“Havin’ extreme feelin’s ain’t the same as bias.”

“Fine.” Rainbow took a block and threw it. It hit the same tree.

“You got anythin’ to say, Rainbow?”

“Data points.”

The cameras “caught” Fluttershy taking a sip of water, because apparently people like to see that sort of thing.

“So,” Twilight said, “This is the part where I say something I know you won’t understand because saying obscure stuff is cool.”

“Okay....”

“I like how technetium and promethium are all backwards cap rebellious, you know?”

“No.”

“Exactly.”

“Should we get some food?” Sweetie Belle said.

“Are we hungry?”

“Yes.”

“How do you know if Ah’m hungry?”

“I’m psychic.”

“You can’t read mahnds.”

“I’m a unicorn and I’m psychic.”

“‘Kay... what number am Ah thinkin’ of?”

“14.16.”

“What.”

“I got it?”

“Yeah, that’s what Ah was thinkin’ of.”

“I can’t actually do that kind of thing, I just picked a random number.”

“Well, it was the same one Ah did....”

“You’re trolling me.”

“Ah swear Ah’m not.”

“You are.”

“Ah swear on mah mother’s grave. ...It’s depressin’ Ah can do that already.”

“I know how it feels. And Scootaloo... you know, did it ever occur to you that all six of our parents are dead?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh.”

“Why are your throws so boring?” Rainbow said.

“Ah dunno. Anyway, it’s your turn.”

Rainbow took a piece of up and threw it on the ground. Not really, she Frisbee®d it. It went wide of the tree and hit a different one.

“So there.”

“Good for you.”

“Rarity?” said Fluttershy, now at Rarity.

“Hm?” Rarity looked up from a bowl of cranberry sauce. “Oh, you actually want to talk to me about something?”

“Twilight got mad at me when I misused ‘begs the question’. I tried to tell her I knew what it meant and it was a mistake, but she didn’t seem to care.” She took a seat. “Has anything changed with you?”

“Not really. I’m still just barely making enough money to survive on not fast food. What did I do to deserve this, Fluttershy?”

She shrugged.

“Okay,” Applejack said, “This has to be interestin’.” She threw a plank up vertically. It wasn’t perfectly vertical, though; it was clearly going to land a few metres behind them, and so they turned around. Well, Applejack turned around. Rainbow was lazy and just looked behind her. But either way, they watched it shatter like the things in Sumotori Dreams.

“Good effort,” Rainbow said.

“Shut up.”

“I don’t know how I’d do that unless I had a door made of up or something.”

“Just grab a board.”

Rainbow took a board and threw it on the ground a couple metres in front of her as hard as she could. It wasn’t as dramatic as she had hoped.

“Good effort,” Applejack said.

“Shut up.”

“Ah don’t know how Ah’d—”

“Just grab a board.”

Applejack threw a board a couple metres up in the air and karate chopped it on the way down, causing herself a minor cut on her knee when a shard of wood scraped it. She put a hoof on it, as you do.

“Owwv,” she said with 2½ Ws.

“You okay?”

“No. Um, fuck, it’s bleedin’,” she said as if Rainbow couldn’t tell.

“I’ll go back to the house, will you be okay for a few minutes?”

“No.”

“Too bad, there’s no other choice.”

And so Rainbow flew off.

“Can you believe they rejected that, Fluttershy?” Rarity said.

“I don’t know anything about fashion, so yes.”

Rainbow burst through the unlocked door, went into the lavatory, wet a towel and took a couple bandages, went outfrom the lavatory, and burst through the doorway.

“I wonder what that could be about,” Rarity said.

“Who could’ve gotten hurt?”

“Her or Applejack, one would think.”

“I hope they’re okay.”

“Are there ponies you wouldn’t hope were okay?”

“That just felt like the right thing to say.”

“You rhymed.”

“So?”

“So it’s mildly embarrassing.”

Fluttershy shrugged.

“Hey, Rainbow,” said Big Mac’s youngest sibling’s sister.

She cleaned up the blood, bandaged the wound, and rode a Ferris wheel.

“You feel okay?” Rainbow said, thinking she could do anything with the information. Or maybe she just wanted to know if her girlfriend felt okay.

“It stings a little, but Ah’ll live.”

“You wanna keep breakin’ up?”

“Sure. Ah won’t do anythin’ stupid again.”

“‘Kay.”

“And insert one of the long rods into hole B,” Pinkie said, “If you get the metaphor.”

“Um....”

“What? Oh. How long has that been happening?”

“Since you said ‘and insert’.”

“Seriously? For fuck’s sakes, why did it have to start at that exact point?”

“What should we do about the other two?” Sweetie Belle said.

“Well, we’d only expect one of ‘em to be there, an’ luckily it’s the one who needs to dah if we’re killin’ ‘er—” Apple Bloom noticed she was on air, “—In the video game. Which we will be playin’.”

“What real life ponies would we be talking about, anyway? They don’t match up to anypony, and besides, we’re nice foals.”

“Exactly. Ah mean, whah would Sweetie Belle be a part ah somethin’ lahke that? Come on.”

Rainbow threw a slab, and it crashed into a tree, uneventfully.

“My hopes weren’t met there,” Rainbow said. “I wanted more excitement, something vaguely fun.”

“It’s just how maths works. Can’t all be above average, you know what Ah mean?”

“I’m not a moron, I know how averages work. It’s your turn, you know.”

Applejack got up and tossed it as far as she could, but not exactly as straight.

“Ah’m supposed to be good at physical stuffs,” she said.

“It’s not about being good, it’s about getting lost in a conversation that suddenly turns romantic and having sex.”

“Rainbow, you know more than anypony that bein’ good at somethin’ is always important. It don’t matter if it don’t matter, it’s embarrassin’ to be bad at stuff.”

“Well, it’s okay. I still love you.”

“With all your ♥?”

“Don’t do that.”

“Ah guess you just don’t ♥ it like Ah do.”

“Stop it.”

“Fahne.”

But then there was nothing to say.

“It’s your turn, you know,” Applejack said.

“Oh.”

Applejack gave up. Rainbow’s throw went right of the trees that she normally hit, but was otherwise normal.

“My hopes weren’t met there,” Rainbow said. “I wanted more excitement, something vaguely fun.”

“It’s just how maths works. Can’t all be above average, you know what Ah mean?”

“That would be a great idea if it was physically possible,” Pinkie said.

“We could try....”

“It would just be an embarrassing trip to the hospital.”

“This is the last one,” Rainbow said. “Better make it count, I guess. Or, you know, something.”

She threw it like normal and it landed in the leafy canopy part of a tree without breaking.

“Uh...” Rainbow said.

“We can’t leaf until it breaks.”

“Did you say ‘leaf’?”

“Yeah.”

“That was terrible. It’s not only a bad pun, I’ve heard it before.”

“Sorry.”

They walked over to the tree where it had lodged itself. And by “it”, I mean physics, and by “itself”, I mean the wood.

“We can’t mess with it,” Rainbow said.

“Ah know how it works, Rainbow.”

“What can we do, though?”

“Wait for wind, Ah guess....”

The plank slipped by a small but encouraging amount.

“Did you see that?” Rainbow said.

“Uh-huh, Ah saw it.”

The plank slipped by a moderate amount which, when combined with the small amount, was very encouraging.

“Come on,” Rainbow said, “It’s so close.”

“You can do it, plank board thing.”

It made a well-timed fall out of the tree and shattered on the ground.

“Yaaay!” they said. “We should go now.”

“It’s just that once we do this, we can’t change it back,” Sweetie Belle said.

“Ah know. We planned it all out, it’ll be fahne.”

Rainbow and Applejack were Rainbow and Appleback.

“Valhallao,” Rarity said. “How was it?”

“We went to some undeveloped land and threw up all over the place,” Rainbow said.

“Oh. Are you all right now?”

“Yeah, did I make us sound hurt?”

“Rainbow?” Applejack said.

“What?”

“‘Threw up’.”

“Oh. Yeah. Anyway, let’s see some ponies we care about.”

And so they went to the next room, Fluttershy knowing what Rainbow meant but still feeling somewhat uncared about.

“Oh, you’re back,” Twilight said. “Did you have fun?”

“It was as fun as throwing up together can be,” Rainbow said.

“Huh?”

“You know, up. Throwing it.”

“Oh.”

Pinkie appeared.

“Ohai!” she said. “I was just coming to get a food and this happened!”

“Yo,” Rainbow said.

“How’d the whole breaking up thing go?”

“We never broke up.”

“Then what were you doing the whole time?”

Blah blah corrections. Everyone else went pretty much the same way. Eating happened, talking ensued, and eventually everyone who wasn’t part of the Apple family or a certain pegasus had left the building. That pegasus, of course, being Fluttershy. Okay, you know who it was.

“So, AJ,” Rainbow said seconds after the last pony had left.

“You thinkin’ about the same primal urge Ah am?”

“Yep.”

“Then let’s eat some cranberry stuffs.”

“What? I meant sex.”

“Oh.”

Not only was it awkward, they didn’t know what to do about it.

“Well, I’ll be upstairs,” Rainbow said.

“You do that.”

And so Rainbow went upstairs, Applejack ate some cranberry product (product with cranberries, not “cheese product” product), and then Applejack went upstairs. A candle also mysteriously melted halfway as they had sex despite never being used. Next Chapter: Chapter 147: Trapped! Estimated time remaining: 2 Hours, 59 Minutes