“The Octavia?” Octavia said. “As far as I know, I’m the only Octavia here, but putting an article before my name is treating me like some kind of animal.”

“We are animals,” Lyra said. “Taxonomy and all.”

“You know what I mean.”

The exact same conversation happened at Sweet Apple Acres, but with Applejack, and Big Mac or Apple Bloom. Doesn’t really matter who.

“How are we going to end up meeting?” Octavia said. “I don’t plan to be going anywhere.”

“She could be coming to you.”

“Why would she do that?”

“Because a staff told her to.”

“They said they weren’t doing that anymore. I know that later they said they were resuming it, but it seemed to be for just that one time.”

“Well, if you’re not going anywhere, then obviously she’s coming here.”

“What if the staff made a plan and it’s failing?”

“I guess that’s possible. I mean suppose. I suppose, not guess. Don’t break up with me.”

“I’m not going to break up with you because you said ‘guess’ instead of ‘suppose’.”

“Sure, not this once, but it’ll all pile up. A ‘guess’ here, a ‘hi’ there, a maybe instead of perhaps off the port bow, and before you know it I’ll just be a fleshy mass of slightly informal language.”

“It’s okay, Lyra. That’s not even how you normally talk.”

“But what if it is? What if I’m regressing back to my personality from then, the earlier years? I can’t be like that again!”

“You’ve always been a little vague about what exactly was wrong with you besides just being less fancy, and you’ve never actually given many examples of that.”

“Don’t leave me.” Lyra started hugging her. “I love you.”

“I’m not going to break up with you because you said ‘guess’ instead of ‘suppose’.”

“Sure, not this once, but it’ll all pile up.”

“Soooo...” Applejack said, “Ah guess she’s comin’ to us?”

“Ah guess,” Apple Bloom said.

“Why’d she come, though?”

“‘Cause a staff’d tell ‘er ta.”

“They don’t do that anymore. Well, they did once, but that was a one-tahme thing.”

“Well, you ain’t goin’ anywhere, so she must be comin’ ‘ere.”

“Ah guess. Hey, B—where’s Big Mac?”

“Ah... don’t know....”

“Did you see ‘m leave?”

“No.”

“Ah didn’t hear anythin’....”

“Me neither....”

There was a loud firm thing hitting the ground sound behind the door. Applejack opened the door and saw a package on the ground, as well as Derpy Hooves flying away, as well as the various things you’d usually see such as grass and trees. Applejack took the package in her... took the package and placed it on the thing.

“It’s for Big Mac. Prolly another sacrifahce. Ah’m gonna see if he’s in ‘is room.”

“Kayperwhatsits.”

Applejack went up the treacherous stairs of doom and knocked on the appropriate door. Big Mac answered it.

“What?” Big Mac said as if Applejack had interrupted something extremely unimportant, which was indeed the case.

“You got a sacrifice.”

Applejack and Big Mac went down the stairs.

“Do you have the package knife?” Big Mac said.

“No. Hey, Apple Bloom, get the package knife.”

“You’re the caregivers, you should do stuff.”

“Get the package knife or Ah’ll get it an’ stab you.”

“You wouldn’t stab me.”

“We’ll see.”

And so Applejack went off to get this package knife. She came back and it was time for the moment of truth.

“Hey, AJ,” Apple Bloom said. “You gonna stab me?”

“No.” Applejack cut open the box with only the power of her mind. Wait, no, that’s what Twilight does. Applejack used the knife. Inside the box were a cylindrical cast iron urn and a rolled-up piece of paper which was kept rolled up via a ribbon.

Big Mac took the note, took off the ribbon with his teeth, and read the note aloud.

“Dear Big Mac-sama,

Contained in the urn in this package are the ashes of a pony who said she hated Applejack. She spelt it with a capital A so it wasn’t the beverage, and if it was, then she made a grammatical error, and so she deserves to die anyway. I hope you can forgive me for wondering how balanced your diet is since everything you eat is apple x. I didn’t mean to imply you don’t know what you’re doing, and I’m deeply sorry.

♥, Epistulor.”

“Bitch deserved to dah,” Applejack said.

“True dat.”

“Eeyup.”

“So we gonna throw it out like usual?” Apple Bloom said.

“But it’s cast ahron,” Applejack said. “Ah feel like assaultin’ Rarity with it.”

“You can’t just randomly assault her,” Apple Bloom said. “Y’hafta carry it around an’ wait for ‘er ta do somethin’ all Rarityish.”

“Carry it around? With what? She’s gonna notice.”

“Hmm... Ah dunno, maybe you should just randomly assault her. But we’ve got iron ones before, why this one in particular?”

“‘Cause plot. Anyway, when’d be a good tahme? Ah guess now would work, right?”

“Ah don’t see why not. What do you think, Big Mac?”

“Now sounds fine.”

And so Applejack put on a pair of bags and ventured off to the Carousel Boutique with the lid of the urn. Whilst that happens, here’s the Octavia and Lyra Variety Hour.

“‘Variety hour’?” Lyra said. “We’re not good at variety show stuff. Things. Don’t leave me.”

The audience which had been brought in during the Apple segment laughed, unaware that the show hadn’t started yet.

“It’s okay, Lyra. I already said that I’m not going to end our relationship over something like that.”

“But like I said, it’ll all start to pile up. You love me because I act sophisticated and proper and so on.”

“That’s not the only reason. I’ve seen plenty of ponies who act richer than you do.”

“Then what makes me different?”

“Most of them are blandly rich or blandly formal or blandly influential, which is fine, but you have a deeper personality. You’re nice and things like that, obviously, but there’s something else I can’t define that probably has something to do with the mystery of love or whatever it is that they say. One thing is I feel comfortable around you. Even with my other friends, not that I’m trying to say I have that many, because I don’t, but I feel like I need to act proper and formal around them, and you don’t give off that impression. Not that I do relax that much around you since this is how I like to act, but I feel like if I do something dumb around one of them then they won’t like me as much, whilst you’re a bit more understanding about that sort of thing.”

“And you like like me.”

“Yes... being myself, I never thought I’d ever be attracted to anypony, but obviously I was wrong.”

Lyra started a kiss and it went on for several seconds then stopped. I’d like to talk about how exciting it was, but it wasn’t.

“I love you,” Lyra said generically.

“I love you too,” generically said Octavia.

Applejack burst through the unlocked Carousel Boutique door with great panache. However, Rarity was out shopping. Applejack started an epic adventure through the house and found Sweetie Belle in the kitchen eating a bowl of generic Cheerios. Correction: she was eating the cereal.

“Greetings, Applejack Apple. Wait, why would you be here?”

“Ah came ta assault Rarity.”

“Why would you hurt Rarity? I know why you would hurt Rarity, but why this particular point in time?”

“‘Cause Ah just got a cool new weapon to do it with. Do you know where she is?”

“She’s not here, so don’t get excited.”

“Can Ah get Xcahted?”

“If you want, but it won’t help.”

“Whah should Ah trust you?”

“You shouldn’t.”

“Don’t go all lahar’s paradox on me, you want Rarity to live. Well, she’s gonna live, but be unharmed is what Ah mean.”

“Look, my point is that she’s not here.”

“So she is here.”

Two hours of searching later...

“Where is she?!” Applejack said to Sweetie Belle, who was still eating the same bowl of cereal. Correction: she was eating the cereal. Right after Applejack said this, Rarity came through the door. She ran up to her, and before Rarity could say “Applejack?”, she got an urn lid to the head.

“Now Ah’ll take ‘er to the secret rape chamber....”

“What?” Sweetie Belle said.

“Ah dunno. Who’d wanna have sex with Rarity anyway? Ah know, she’s pretty an’ stuff, but she’d be terrible at sex. Also, dignity.”

“You don’t know that. And I meant ‘rape chamber’. I mean, isn’t it usually sex dungeon?”

“Ah don’t like euphemisms.”

Applejack left the building with Rarity on her back and Sweetie Belle called law enforcement.

“Ponyville Police.”

“Applejack just knocked out Rarity at the Carousel Boutique.”

“Some policeponies will be dispatched.”

“Cool.”

Several minutes later, Applejack was walking to Sweet Apple Acres when she noticed a couple policeponies, [name removed] and Nepojmenovaný, running towards her.

“Wonder what they’re runnin’ ta,” Applejack said, though she found out a second later when [name removed] pushed and subsequently held her down for Nepojmenovaný to hoofcuff. Rarity fell off, but she was fine. The urn lid also fell out of its bag.

“What’s goin’ on?” Applejack said. “Well, Ah know what’s goin’ on, Ah mean whah’s goin’ on.”

“You’re under arrest for assault,” Nepojmenovaný said as he finished hoofcuffing her.

“Ah demand a lawyer.”

“We gotta help ‘er!” Apple Bloom said.

“I’ll get Zecora,” Big Mac said.

Big Mac left without even saying goodbye, then Apple Bloom smoked an entire pack of Lucky Seven™ brand cigarettes.

“We can’t do that,” Nepojmenovaný said, referring to the lawyer issue.

“Ah demand a trahal.”

“We can do that.”

The door of the vaja of Zecora was knocked.

“Who killed herself this time?” Zecora said, rolling her eyes. She opened the door. “Big Mac?”

“Applejack got arrested and she needs a lawyer.”

“What did she get arrested for and why should I help her find one?”

“Assault, and you’re the lawyer.”

“So not only am I a doctor, I’m also a lawyer now.”

“Eeyup.”

“I seriously need to start charging for these things.”

“[REDACTED],” asked [name removed] as (s)he dragged Applejack along the ground.

“Fine,” Nepojmenovaný said.

Bronies, which of these ponies is Rarity’s sister?

Apple Bloom — Octavia — Butterscotch

Have you ever been watching a show when it suddenly or unsuddenly gets interrupted by a string of advertisements? The guys on the inside call this a “commercial break”, and believe it or not, there’s a way to completely avoid them with shows you don’t watch live. Our patent pending technology known as a “DVR” will actually recor

Okay, bronies, if you chose Octavia, you were right!

Knocking ensued at Sweet Apple Acres. However, it was just Apple Bloom rapping on some wood because she said something fate tempty. Then the front door was knocked. Guess who it was. If you guessed Rainbow, then congratulations: you win a free iPad. If you guessed Rainbow Dash, then congratulations: you’re not efficient. If you guessed Dash, then congratulations: do you also say Twi? If so, get fancier. But yeah, it was her.

“AJ got arrested,” Apple Bloom said.

“What?! For what?”

“Assaultin’ Rarity.”

“Apple Bloom, why are you talkin’ to yourself?”

“All right, cut!” a pony who I’ve never seen before in my life said. “That was terr—”

“Who the fuck are you?” Rainbow said.

“I’m Dr. Hector, and you need to say that again, but—”

“Um, we’re doing a reality show. Doing second takes would go against the whole ‘reality’ thing.”

“Really? Then where am I? When am I?”

“Ponyville, Equestria in November of 2012.”

“By Wall, I’ve gone too far back!” He ran into the forest.

“Um, anyway,” Rainbow said, “AJ got arrested?”

“Uh-huh. Zecora’s gonna lawyer for ‘er.”

“Can I help?”

“Prolly not.”

“Then I’ll just go over to Twilight.”

“Cool.”

Gathered at the court had a jury, Judgaroni, Zecora, Big Mac, and a newly awake Rarity.

“Any crowd?” Judgaroni said. “No? Okay, we’ll begin in five minutes.”

Within those five minutes, a crowd of Twilight, Rainbow, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom had gathered. I get Twilight and Rainbow because teleportation, but Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom weren’t within five minutes of the court.

“Court is now in session. Rarity, would you like to make an opening statement?”

“I would. Mares, stallions, intersex ponies, and those who do not wish to disclose their gender of the jury, Applejack hit me with a piece of cast iron. How can that not get any kind of punishment? I rest my case.”

“Zecora,” Judgaroni said, “Would you like to make an opening statement?”

“I would.” Zecora stepped out from behind her desk to beside it. “It is true that my client, Applejack Apple, KOed Rarity with a cast iron urn lid. However, I ask you, Judge Judgaroni, ponies of the jury, to consider this fact: Rarity is a jerk. Haven’t you ever thought ‘I wish that jerk could get an urn lid to the head’? Of course you have, and Applejack simply happened to have the proper opportunity to make this a reality and took it, something she should hardly be punished for. I rest my case.”

“I’d like to call a surprise witness to the stand!” Rarity said surprisingly. Everyone in the courtroom barring Rarity gasped. “Specifically, Sweetie Belle!”

Sweetie Belle went up to the witness stand and Rarity went in front of it.

“Is it true,” Rarity said, “That the defendant assaulted me using the lid of an urn of iron which was cast?”

“Yes.”

“See?” Rarity said. “Let me answer my own question: yes. Somepony who was probably there said it was true, and therefore it is true. I rest my case.”

Sweetie Belle returned to the crowd.

“Any closing statements?” Judgaroni said.

“Yes, your honour,” Zecora said. “Yes, there is a witness testimony. Yes, it was on camera. But Rarity, quite simply, deserved it. And if assault is becoming a serious crime in this jurisdiction, then what does that say about us? How will the Rarities of the world be properly punished? I’ll answer my own question: they won’t. Raritiness will go unpunished. I rest my case.”

“Do you wish to make a closing statement, Rarity?”

“No.”

“Very well. The jury will enter the private jury discussion room and discuss.”

“I’m not getting enough screen time,” Octavia said.

“I’m getting too much screen time,” Lyra said.

“Do you have a verdict?” Judgaroni said.

“We do, your honour,” juror #7 said. “We declare the defendant... guilty.”

Everyone excepting the judge and jury gasped and then talked.

“Order in the court!” Judgaroni said, banging the gavel three times. “The defendant will be sentenced to five years in prison as well as four hours of community service.”

“This is ridiculous,” Zecora said. “Ponies in Ponyville have been knocked out by each other hundreds of times before with no punishment whatsoever. I demand to know what makes this one so different, especially when it’s Rarity.”

“The decision has already been decided,” Judgaroni said.

Rainbow looked at Twilight—really looked at her, like staring into her eyes—with an extremely sad face, as if she was crying. Not that she was, but she had a facial expression you would typically associate with it.

“Don’t worry, Rainbow,” Twilight said with an orange voice. “I’m not going to let—”

A car with the radio turned up really loud drove by, drowning out whatever she was saying, but presumably it was about Applejack and prison.

“We’ll appeal it up to the next court,” Zecora, who was suddenly there, said. “That’s how it works, right, Twilight?”

“I don’t know. I thought you would know.”

“I’m not actually a trained lawyer, you know. Besides, you’re supposed to know everything.”

“Anyway, we’ll find a way,” Twilight said to Rainbow.

“It’ll be okay,” Zecora said.

“I know what’s going on,” Rainbow said. “Don’t talk to me like I’m a foal.”

“Well, then don’t stare into my eyes like a foal who doesn’t know what’s going on.”

“I agree with the verdict,” Rarity said to Sweetie Belle, her chosen talking partner.

“I don’t.”

“What? Why? How?”

“The verdict, because I don’t see what makes this KOing different from any of the others that’ve gone unpunished, and I don’t know, neuroscience.”

“Fine. I’m disowning you.”

“Okay.”

“Please don’t leave our family. You’re the only one who supports me.”

“Okay, first, I think you mean your family since you’re the only one in it anymore, and you already disowned me so I don’t have to come back.”

“Please? No other ponies even like me.”

“Spike, Octavia, fashion ponies....”

“Spike only likes me because I’m attractive and not for my personality, fashion ponies only like me because of my skills and not my personality, and Octavia... Octavia... fine.”

“Now if you don’t mind, I’m changing my name to Sweetie Belle Apple. Or Sweetie Apple. Is Belle part of my first name?”

“Strictly speaking, your first name is Sweetie.”

“Well, the point is, my last name’ll be Apple by the end of the day.”

“Please?”

“No.”

“But I’m a good guardian, aren’t I?”

“Not as good as Big Mac.”

“Please?”

“Wahz,” Apple Bloom cried.

“Don’t cry,” Big Mac said. “We’ll get her out.”

Apple Bloom nodded, but continued to weep dramatically.

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