“Twist and Granny Smith!” Commentatory commentated. “Two enter the octagon, one leaves!”

“That fight’s gonna take a while,” Rainbow Dash said. “And Twilight?”

“What?”

“Why are we floating in this black void of nothingness?”

“Because I fucked up the teleportation.”

“Well, fix it.”

Twilight teleported the three to the treehouse.

“We’re supposed to be at the octagon,” Commentatory commentated.

“I don’t know where it is.”

Three hours of walking later!

Commentatory, Twilight, and Rainbow all entered the arena via the front door. It was a lot like CAEB Stadium Cloudsdale, as the Tripling-Off Arena had recently been renamed, except it had a roof and the arena was a bunch of cagefighting octagons. Other than that, and the refreshment menu, it was basically identical.

“Hello and—” the staff noticed who she was talking to. “Oh, you’re famous, go ahead. Luxury box 1 is reserved for you. Here’s the map.”

“Is that Rainbow Dash and Twilight?” a random passerby said.

“zomg!” another pony said around the middle of the previous line.

Rainbow and Twilight got mobbed for autographs by forty ponies. They got mobbed by 40 ponies. That’s as many as four tens. And that’s terrible.

“You’re smart,” Rainbow said, “Think of a plan!”

“Um...” Twilight started whispering the plan to Rainbow, getting halfway through before Rainbow got tackled under four of the ponies.

“Rainbow!” Twilight said. She started an expanding ball of magic. “Listen up,” she said in a moderately loud and moderately firm tone, “You know what this ball of magic is for? If you don’t let us go, I’m going to kill you all. All two scores of you will be reduced to very dramatic ashes. So do you want to let us get to our seats or not?”

“That’s not what you’re doing,” one pony said in a rolling eyes tone of voice.

“You’re way too moralness for that,” another said.

“You have five seconds,” Twilight said. None of them went anywhere.

“π...”

Nothing.

“...Two...”

Nothing.

“√2... one... two thirds... one third....”

Twilight finished the spell and the ponies all fell unconscious, but correlation doesn’t imply causation.

“Thanks, Tw—”

“Fly us to the box.” She breathed a couple quick breaths. “They’ll only be out for a few seconds.”

Rainbow put her legs around Twilight’s torso and flew them through the halls, almost hitting a bunch of walls but not actually doing anything notable, to luxury box 2.

“Holy crap,” some moderately rich pony said, “Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle?!”

“I don’t think—” Twilight said.

“I know.” She turned around and flew down some more halls to luxury box 1, then fell onto the floor from exhaustion.

“Hi,” Applejack said.

“Hello,” Octavia said.

“Hello,” Zecora acknowledged welcomingly.

“Wazzup bitches,” Pinkie Pie said.

“Twilight used all her energy, casting a spell, so I had to use, all my energy to, make a getaway.”

“For what?” Applejack said.

“Because... Twilight, can you... talk....”

Twilight had been panting ever since Rainbow picked her up. “No....”

They laid there catching their breath, earning weird looks from the others.

“Are you gonna be okay?” Applejack said.

Twilight nodded, and Rainbow’s attempt to talk made her pass out.

“The fight to the death will begin in ten minutes,” Commentatory commentated. “Hungry? You sure are! Get some popcorn or a thing of candy beans at the refreshment stand under the giant Santander banner.”

“Are there any ponies rootin’ for Twist?” Applejack said.

“Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, and Twist’s relatives,” Zecora said.

“Are they here?”

“No, at least I wouldn’t think so, but I imagine they’ll be watching the broadcast.”

“Right.”

“Why would they not be watching?”

“That wasn’t supposed to be sarcasm.”

“Oh.”

Silence.

“Hey, Zecora?” Pinkie said.

“Yes? Come over here, you’re on the other side of the box.”

Pinkie went to the corner which contained Zecora, which is now called the Zecorner.

“First, you’re not rhym—”

“I KNOW I’M NOT RHYMING, I DON’T FUCKING CARE, OKAY? I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIENDS, I DON’T HAVE AN IMAGE I HAVE TO KEEP WITH YOU.”

Silence.

“Is everything okay?” Pinkie said.

Zecora sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I won’t bug you about that anymore.”

“It’s the least you could do. Remember that time I saved your life?”

“Yeah.”

“And that time?”

“Yeah.”

“And that time?”

“I get the point. I know you’ve been getting annoyed with how we keep coming back to you all the time, but we really do appreciate all your life-saving.”

“Well, some of you did save the world. That’s a lot of lives you’re still up on.”

“Yeah, but not with you.”

Zecora didn’t have anything to say after that.

“So you know how I love you, right? In a romantic way?”

“No.”

“Weird, it was all over every site ever. Anyway, a week ago I said I had feelings for you.”

“I see... Pink... ie. I’m sorry, but—”

“No, that’s the thing, I got over it like Big Mac with Fluttershy.”

“Oh. So I don’t have to worry about anything?”

“Yep.”

“Okay.”

“Twilight?” Rainbow said.

“You’re awake.”

“Yeah. Can you still not stand up?”

“I can if you want, but you know, why bother.”

“I command you to stand up.”

She did. “I have something to tell you.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry I ranted to you so much about Fi2e last night.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, seriously.”

“Stop apologising.”

“Sorry.”

Nothing happened for a few minutes until the commentating speakers spurred interestingness.

“Five minutes until the fight begins. Since you’re thirsty, buy a refreshing bottle of Diacetylmorphine-Cola from the refreshment stand underneath the Santander banner.”

“Have any of you ever had Diacetylmorphine-Cola?” Rainbow said.

“No.” “Nope.” “Nopermajigs.” “No.”

“I had some homemade once,” Zecora said. “It’s really easy to make yourself.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe I should actually try some sometime so I know what you’re talking about.”

Silence.

“So...” Applejack said, “How do you like them apples?”

“They’re pretty good,” Twilight said.

“Your cum tastes like apples sometimes,” Rainbow said.

“I like apples,” Pinkie said. “But really, I like most food.”

“I like apples on Facebook,” Zecora said.

“I wonder what percentage of things you could suffix with ‘on Facebook’,” Rainbow said.

“We should try it on Facebook.”

“Sounds good on Facebook,” Applejack said.

“This sounds like a dumb idea,” Twilight said.

“It’s gonna work on Facebook,” Pinkie said.

“Except in bed is better on Facebook,” Rainbow said. “I know it’s only been a few lines, but I think this was a bad idea on Facebook.”

Silence.

“So...” Applejack said, “How about them apples?”

“We’re not going through this again,” Rainbow said.

But then no one knew what to talk about.

“Hey, Rainbow,” Applejack said.

“Yeah?”

“Can we talk all soppily about how much we love each other?”

“I don’t really see a reason for it.”

“Then what are we supposed to talk about?”

“I don’t wanna talk. I’m just gonna be antisocial until the fight starts.”

“You could at least be antisocial standin’ up.”

“Fine.”

“Four minutes until the fight starts. You need a souvenir, and you can get one just outside gate 3 at the Santander Souvenir Shop.”

“Twilight,” Rainbow said.

“What?”

“Can you hurt me?”

“Yes.”

“Will you?”

She slapped her in the cheek.

“Ow,” Zecora said.

Twilight slapped Rainbow in the cheek.

“I barely felt that.”

A spell that needed an expanding sphere of magic was the next step up, and Rainbow felt all of the pain of electrocution with none of the death. She fell down and wibbled around like a tasering victim.

“Will she be all right?” Octavia said, doing a word-by-word replacement of “fuck, is she okay”.

“She’ll be fine in a minute.”

“Only π minutes until the fight. Sick of π? Then go to the concession stand under the Santander banner for some pie. Available in apple, lemon, and cherry flavours.”

Pinkie giggled.

“What’s so funny?” everyone else except Rainbow said.

“Lemon.”

“Oh,” they said. Applejack smiled, clearly trying not to laugh. Twilight, Octavia, and Zecora seemed less entertained.

“C’mon,” Applejack said, “It’s funny.”

“This is the mature side of the luxury box,” Twilight said.

“Fahne. Then this is the fun sahde.”

“Does anypony have something to draw a line with?” Pinkie said.

“We don’t have an infinite amount of marker,” Twilight said.

“Twilight,” Zecora said, “Can you make a portal into another dimension for a moment?”

“Which one?”

“The first.”

“Yeah.” She magicked up a circle which looked into the first or fifth dimension depending on the side you were looking at and Zecora reached in and took out a roll of duct tape. She closed the portal and Zecora made a widthwise line across the middle of the box.

“Only З minutes until the fight. Due to the fact that you’re thirsty, you should buy a can of CAEB from the concession stand under the Santander banner.”

Rainbow got up. “AJ?”

“The tape’s—”

“No, I know. I was just wondering if you wanted to be sad with me that we can’t do anything sexual since we’re in a public indoor place.”

“You say that lahke we should be able to.”

“I think we should. It’s a political view so you can’t argue with me about it.”

“What I’m saying,” Twilight said, “Is that the other side is death.”

“No,” Zecora said, “The other side is getting high.”

“The other side is the immature side of this luxury box,” Octavia said.

“Those aren’t as big a difference as living and dead,” Twilight said.

Her opponents stood in stunned silence.

“You have a point,” Octavia said.

“I guess you’re right,” Zecora said.

“Two minutes until the fight begins. If you feel anything at all, the best course of action is to buy a can of CAEB. Randomly selected cans come with CAEB inside them!”

“I’ve had CAEB,” Rainbow said. “It’s really good and you should all try it.”

“You hate it,” Applejack said. “You’ve told me.”

“No, I love it. I drink it all the time.”

“Ah’ve never seen that happen.”

“You’ve never been to Felt, Oklahoma, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.”

“Illerbrun, Saskatchewan actually don’t exist.”

“That’s not the point, the point is that I love CAEB.”

“Uh-huh.”

— The transcribers should mark this quote with a quotation dash, Pinkie said.

“Look at them,” Twilight said. “They’re just having a contradiction and Pinkie Pie isn’t even doing anything. Surely we can do something maturer than that.”

“Be quiet and wait for the fight to start?” Octavia said.

“You know what? That’s barely insufficiently sane to fail.”

“One minute until the fight begins. If you have a thirsty foal, and if you have a foal, then I can guarantee that they’re thirsty, to go the concession stand under the Santander banner and get them a can of CAEB Jr.. It’s all the delicious taste of CAEB without the caffeine.”

“Should we sit down?” Rainbow said.

“Good idea,” Pinkie said.

The mature side continued to stick to Octavia’s plan.

“Let’s get ready to ruuuuumbllllle! In this corner, weighing in at 27 jardas, Twiiiiist!”

The crowd cheered wildly.

“And in this corner, weighing in at 72 adrajes, Graaaaanny Smiiiiith!”

The crowd cheered wildly.

“Let’s ruuuuumble!”

Granny Smith and Twist slowly walked to meet each other at the centre of the octagon. Granny Smith did a kick-uppercut on Twist.

“Ouch!” Twist said. “That is my chin!”

Twist countered by doing a move so impressive, so difficult, that she failed and just kicked Granny Smith’s leg a little. She countered by doing another kick-uppercut, KOing Twist.

“Do I win?” Granny Smith said.

The referee felt Twist for a moment. Not like that, Faust. “She’s not dead. Fight’s not over until one of you is dead.”

Granny Smith kick-uppercutted Twist a few more times. “Is she dead now?”

The referee felt Twist for a moment. Not like that, Faust. “She’s not dead.”

“This fight’s gonna take a while,” Rainbow said.

“I wish we had food,” Pinkie said.

“2+3=5,” Applejack added.

“I don’t know why,” Octavia said, “But I find watching two innocent ponies having to fight for their lives strangely unenjoyable.”

“Come on,” Zecora said, “Who doesn’t like watching a good fight to the death?”

“It happened in ancient Rome so it’s realistic,” Twilight said.

Fifteen minutes later!

“It’s been fifteen minutes,” the referee said. “There’ll be a rest period of three minutes, then round two will start.”

Twilight stepped one hoof across the tape.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Pinkie said.

“Get back over to your side,” Rainbow said.

“Leave,” Applejack said.

“We’re attacking you to gain territory,” Twilight said. This prompted Rainbow to hit her so hard and swiftly and stuff that she lost consciousness.

“We surrender!” Zecora said.

“Very well,” Rainbow said. “You and AJ will talk over the terms over which you’ll be enslaved.”

“It’s time for round two,” Commentatory commentated. “Literally!”

“Mmmmm...?” Twist said as she got up at exactly the same time the round started.

“It seems to be going a lot like round one,” Twilight said.

“I couldn’t tell,” Zecora said.

“Somepony had to mention it.”

“Why? What was going to happen if no one mentioned it?”

“Awkwardness.”

“Anything more measurable or objective?”

“No.”

“Um, Twahlaht?” Applejack said.

“Yeah?”

“Can we get back to the negotiations?”

“Oh, sure. So what were your opening terms again?”

“You’re Rainbow’s sex slave an’ Zecora and Octavia are mah normal slaves.”

“I don’t agree to these terms!” Pinkie said, walking over to the tape.

“But you’re on our side.”

“I want a slave too!”

“Fine, you can have Octavia.”

“Excuse me,” Octavia said, walking to the tape, “But is that supposed to imply that I’d be a worse slave than Zecora?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Look,” Twilight said, “I’m not going to let that happen to them.”

“Then we’ll hafta kill you,” Applejack said.

“What do you think?” Twilight said to Octavia. “Death or enslavement?”

“I would pick enslavement,” she said, disrespecting the memories of every slave who’s committed suicide.

“Then we’ll go with that.”

Clock wipe!

“But why can’t we have sex?” Twilight said even though Rainbow had told her the answer a million times.

“Because we’re in a public place,” Rainbow said for the 1,000,001st time.

“We’ve had sex in public before!”

“I know, but this is a public building. It’s different.”

“So if it’s outside and public, that’s okay, but if it’s inside and public, that doesn’t work?”

“Yeah.”

“But what’s the point of having a sex slave if you’re never going to have sex with them?”

Rainbow kissed Twilight, which was happy times for a couple seconds.

“Rainbow?” Applejack said.

Rainbow stopped kissing Twilight. “What? Oh, sorry, I forgot that you’re here.”

Appledashness ensued.

“I’s a sad,” Twilight said. No one responded. “Does somepony want to tell me it’s okay?”

“Well, it’s not okay,” Pinkie said, “Your girlfriend just stopped kissing you so she could snog with your love rival instead.”

“I guess I’ll just depressedly sit in this chair. At least watching the fight’ll be fun.”

“Time’s up! Round two is over!”

“Really?” Twilight said.

“Noooo,” Zecora said, “This is all just a dream.”

“Shut up....”

Silence.

“Are you sure you want me to shut up for three minutes?” Zecora said.

“Yes.”

And so everyone except Rainbow and Applejack was lonely for three minutes.

“It’s time for round three! For round three, the combatants will be given KA-BAR® combat knives. KA-BAR combat knives: they’re pointy.”

A staff went into the octagon, gave a knife each to Twist and Granny Smith, and went out of the very same octagon he had entered.

“Three...” the referee, who by the way was not Refereey, said, “Two... one... RUMBLE!”

“Yaaaa!” Twist said. She jumped at Granny Smith and stabbed the knife with a surprising level of accuracy through the centre of her throat. Granny Smith countered by falling over and dying.

“Do I win?” Twist said.

“When she stops twitching and making ‘et’ sounds in attempts to breathe, then you win.”

“Dammit,” Rainbow said. “Stupid evil wins ending.”

Applejack, meanwhile, was crying since she had just seen her grandmother die. Everyone wanted to go and comfort her, but was too afraid they’d just say something that’d make it worse. Even Pinkie, with all her Pinkieish optimism, was too worried she’d say something stupid. Even Rainbow, with all her being Applejack’s girlfriendness, was too worried she’d say something stupid. Thus everyone, including a few dozen ponies in the audience, watched Applejack weep for a minute. Literally one whole minute. Zecora tapped Pinkie’s leg.

“What?” Pinkie whispered.

“You’re supposed to be the character that tries to comfort her.”

“I know, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.”

“I don’t know... something about how you can’t change the past or your dead relative/friend wouldn’t want you to be sad tends to work well.”

“Well, if you have so many good ideas, then why don’t you do it?”

Zecora said nothing for a few seconds, seriously considering the possibility of saying “fine”. “No, you’re definitely better at it.”

“Fine.”

Pinkie walked to up to Applejack.

“Applejack?” and Pinkie Pie does a safe, reliable opening.

“Just leave me alone,” Applejack said.

“Okay.” Pinkie Pie walks away, and I have to say, I don’t think that went quite as well as she had planned. “See?”

“You never said you didn’t think you should do this because it’d be better to leave her alone, you said you couldn’t think of anything to say.”

“The medical staff have confirmed it!” Commentatory commentated. “Twist is the winner!”

The crowd cheered.

“Should we leave?” Twilight said.

“If we leave first, it’ll look like we have short attention spans,” Rainbow said. “We should leave once about half the others have left.”

Everyone in the stadium had this mentality, and an hour went by with only two per cent of the crowd leaving.

“It’s been an hour,” Twilight said. “Should we leave now?”

With an I guess, two yeses and two yeahs, the answer was clear.

“Can you teleport us?” Rainbow said.

“No.”

They all made it out without getting mobbed for autographs or, you know, having something interesting happen. There was a beautiful mane six-coloured sunset.

“I forgot we’re three hours away from Ponyville,” Twilight said.

“Can you teleport us now?” Pinkie said.

“No.”

Meanwhile at Programme Productions!

“How should we finish the chapter in three hours?” Chocolate Rain said to no one in particular.

“I have an answer,” said Soymilk Chocolate, “But I’m trying to think of a motorsport-based pun for it.”

One minute later...

“I know!” Soymilk Chocolate said. “Let’s Ceccon Scootaloo!”

Three hours later!

Scootaloo saw camerapony #1 and transcriber #2 in a golf cart and sighed. A camerapony and a transcriber driving to her in a golf cart was completely normal to her.

“Did you get that sigh?” transcriber #2 said.

“Yeah,” camerapony #1 said. “It’s hard having to drive with one leg and camera with the other. Why did I have to drive?”

“Because typing with one hoof, not hand, a fucking hoof and driving with the other would be even harder.”

“Maybe we should do a wacky job switch.”

“That’s okay.”

Even after that exchange, they were still dozens of metres away from Scootaloo. Camerapony #1 looked at transcriber #2’s laptop for a moment.

“Hey,” he said, “I’ve got it floored here.”

“I was insulting golf carts, not you. Like you said, you’ve got it floored here.”

Eventually, after many hardships, the two smart, beautiful staff members did reach Scootaloo.

“I’m not either of those,” camerapony #1 said.

“Don’t mention it.”

“Too late.”

“Hi,” Scootaloo said.

“Hi,” said the strong, quick, wise, slightly underweight transcriber #2.

“Yo,” camerapony #1 said in a futile attempt to convince anybody, anywhere, that he was cool.

“Why are you covering me?” Scootaloo looked a gift... wait for it... walrus in the mouth.

“Because we ♥ you,” transcriber #2 said.

“I still can’t figure out how they do that,” Scootaloo said.

“What, you mean the ♥ sound?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s simple. Just swallow your tongue, then vocalise an L as you unswallow it and it’s going through your throat.”

“That sounds impossible.”

“It’s easy.”

Silence.

“Your life is boring,” transcriber #2 said.

“Yeah, what’s your point?”

“We’re going to somepony else.”

“Cool.”

Once they left, Scootaloo smoked an entire pack of Lucky Seven™ brand cigarettes.

Next Chapter: Chapter 12E: An Octavia-Zecora Chapter Estimated time remaining: 5 Hours, 49 Minutes