“You know, Spike,” Twilight said, “I’ve been thinking....”

“That is something you do a lot.”

“Yeah, and—wait.” Twilight turned around. “Apple Bloom?”

“Uh... hi.”

“GTFO.”

Apple Bloom disappeared in a puff of overused reference. After a few seconds of nothing, the puff smoke set off a smoke detector.

“FIRE!!!” Spike said as he ran into the room. Also, he had his arms up, since that’s how scared people run.

“Spike,” Twilight said, “There’s no fire.”

Spike opened the strangely screenless and strangely circular window and jumped out, which would be fine, except it was on the first floor. He fell to the ground and probably broke a bone or something. Twilight teleported to Spike.

“Are you okay?” she chose over the many ruder options.

“My arm hurts...” Spike said whilst clutching his left arm. “It’s a good thing the rest of my body landed in this soft, smooth bush, but this arm really hurts....”

“I’ll get you to Zecora.”

“Can’t you just heal me with magic?”

“I could try, but if I mess up the spell, you’ll explode.”

“I trust you....”

“That’s adorable, but I should really take you to somep... er... zebra who knows what she’s doing.”

Twilight teleported herself and Spike directly inside Zecora’s vaja, as it will now be known.

“A jarda of p—” Zecora was cut off by seeing Twilight and Spike spontaneously appear in front of her. “Zomgnesswhat why did you have to do that?”

“Spike’s hurt,” Twilight said.

“Next time, teleport outside of the building and walk in.”

“Fine. Now fix Spike.”

“What’s wrong with him?”

“He hurt his arm.”

“And?”

“It might be broken.”

“Is it?”

“We don’t know.”

One clock wipe later!

“He’s fine,” Zecora said. “Now leave, I have vaguely magical plants to collect.”

“Why do we have to leave for that?” Twilight said.

“Leave.”

LATER THAT DAY!

“It’s hard getting stuff out of your teeth with hooves,” Twilight said, referencing a deleted scene in which she ate some popcorn.

“Well, it’s hard... um... I dunno, having hands is pretty cool.”

Knock-kno—

“ZOMG RAINBOW!” Twilight said. She ran to the door so excitedly that she didn’t slow down quickly enough and ran into it. Even though it wouldn’t happen in real life, she lost consciousness from the hit because it was funny. Spike walked to the door and opened it.

“Hi, Applejack,” Spike said.

“Er... Twahlight okay?”

“She just ran into the door and now she’s unconscious.”

“So... no?”

“She’ll be fine.”

“Okay... just wanted to give ‘er this.” Applejack took a green-yellow apple from a bag she had and hooved it to Spike.

“You don’t secretly love her, do you?”

“No, it’s part of an in-joke. She’ll understand. Now Ah have to leave for Rai—crap, Ah think Ah left ‘er tied to the bed. Yeah, Ah definitely left ‘er there.” Applejack took off for Sweet Apple Acres. “She’s gonna be so mad at me....”

Spike looked at the apple, threw it a few centimetres into the air and caught it a couple times for no particular reason, and closed the door.

A FEW MINUTES LATER!

Twilight woke up.

“Twilight?” Spike said. “You okay?”

Twilight got up and opened the door to find a huge, obvious lump of nobody.

“It was Applejack,” Spike spoke. Twilight turned around to face him. “She wanted you to have this.” He held out the apple and she took it.

“Greenish-yellow...” she muttered. “Dammit.” She took a bite of the apple. “It’s so hard to be mad at her when she gave me a free apple.”

“What’s this whole green-yellow apple thing about anyway?”

“It’d take forever to explain....”

“You could have a narrated flashback.”

“It’s not important.”

“Fine, don’t tell me. I’ll just have to live not knowing.”

“Good.”

“Fine.”

“Good.”

The line of “fine”s and “good”s went on for about an hour, lasting until the door got knocked again. Twilight answered it.

“zomg,” Twilight said, “Rainbow!”

“Yeah. You won’t believe what AJ did.”

“She left to do some errand but you were bondaged to her bed and she didn’t untie you so you had to wait until she came back, then you got mad and came over here?” Spike said.

“Um...” Rainbow said, “That’s....”

“The errand involved coming here,” Spike said.

“Oh,” Rainbow said, “That’s not creepy. But what is creepy is what Twilight’s about to say.”

“I want to magic off one of Scootaloo’s wings and eat it,” Twilight said.

“What?” Spike said.

“I said I want to—”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, but... what?”

“I know, ponies are herbivores, but—”

“No, the part about magicking off one of Scootaloo’s wings.”

“Oh. Well, I would never actually do it, it’s just... if I could feel like I was doing it....”

Silence.

“Why are you judging me?”

“If you wanted to take some random pony’s wing and eat it,” Rainbow said, “Then I would kind of understand. But Scootaloo? You know her.”

“Well, I would never actually do it because morals, but if there was some way of simulating it....”

Silence.

“So...” Twilight said, “Do you want to have sex, Rainbow?”

“No, I wanted to spend some quality time with a friend. Seriously, I wanted to have sex, but....”

“Are you ever going to get over this or are you breaking up with me?”

“I guess it’s not a big deal.”

“Okay.”

Silence.

“You sure you don’t want to do friend stuff for at least a few minutes?” Twilight said.

“I’m sure.”

Big Mac’s door was knocked. In both ways. He opened it. In one way.

“Big Mac,” Applejack said, “We need to have sex.”

“By we, you mean you, and by need, you mean want.”

“Eeyup,” Applejack said in a terrible impression of Big Mac.

Silence.

“Ah’m sorry,” Applejack said, looking downward for a moment.

“I can’t have sex right now.”

“Why not?”

“I’m playing Minecraft.”

“Come on, you’re seriously gonna choose a video game over sex?”

“Eeyup.”

“...It’s so hard to argue with that.”

Big Mac shut the door.

“Rainbow, Big Mac...” Applejack said, “That’s all two ah my sexual partners. Y’know, when Ah put it that way, two sexual partners doesn’t sound like very many. Ah know, don’ explain the joke, sorry. An’ what’s made me use all this correct grammar recently anyways? Focus, AJ. Back on topic. Ah have two options: resist urges, clop, or find another pony. But what other ponies are there for me? Apple Bloom? Oh fuck, did Ah seriously just say that? It was the first thing that came into my head and Ah just said it. Okay, so Ah have one option: resist urges or clop. But Ah don’t wanna resist urges. Ah guess that’s kinda the point, though.”

Apple Bloom exited her room.

“Hi, AJ.”

“Hey... there... sugarcube.”

“You trahin’ ta have character?”

“Yeah.”

“Anyway, whatcha doin’ just standin’ ‘ere in the hal’way?”

“Ah don’t know whether to resist mah horny adolescent urges or just clop.”

“Did you ask Big Mac?”

“He said no.”

“So? Ask ‘m again.”

“What?”

“You can’t just give up after the first try, AJ. You gotta have a li’l’ determination.”

“You know what, Applecube? You’re raht. Ah’ll trah again.”

“Good for you.” Apple Bloom sprinted down to the lavatory.

Applejack knocked on the door of Big Mac’s room once again. He opened it once again.

“What is it?”

“Can we have sex?”

“You just asked me a minute ago.”

“Ah’m not gonna give up that easily, Big Mac. Ah’ve got resolve. Determination. Resolve.”

Big Mac closed the door.

“Come on! This is absolutely necessary for mah survahval!”

Applejack sat against the wall trying to decide for a couple minutes, then Apple Bloom came back up. Not meaning Applejack made her decision.

“Ah tried again,” Applejack said. “It didn’t work.”

“That’s weird. Oh well, guess you’ll just have to resist urges.”

“:(”

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