It was a typical mid-September morning, and everyone was asking themselves the big question of the day: whose property would Rainbow Dash invade tonight? The answer, of course, was Applejack’s. But that comes up later, because right now, it’s time for...

...MANE CHARACTER FOR AN INDEFINITE PERIOD OF TIME!

Let’s give a brief description of the jobs of meet today’s contestants.

A potion, stew, and general strangely effective folk remedy maker from a section of forest which may or may not be incorporated inside any municipality, Zecora.

A pastry chef from Ponyville, Ponyprovince, Pinkie Pie.

And our returning champion, a standard fangirl from Ponyville, Ponyprovince, Butterscotch, whose π-day total combined aggregated winnings total is something I didn’t bother to look up.

And now here is the host of MCFIPT, the only one who could ever hope to pronounce all the words in the questions, Twilight Sparkle!

“Hello and welcome to Mane Character For an Indefinite Period of Time, the game where if you actually know the answer, you’re probably cheating. Here’s how the game works: there are six questions worth 1,000 points, which are also bits, and one worth 1,500 points which are also bits. Most points at the end wins.”

“All right,” Twilight said, “First question. Penistone Grammar School was founded in what year?”

Butterscotch’s podium turned tye-dye-patterned rainbow.

“Butterscotch?”

“1492!”

“Wrong. Anypony else?”

The answer was no.

“The correct answer is 1392. Are we ready for the next question?”

Crickets could be heard chirping.

“ARE WE READAY?!”

“YEAH!” said the contestants and audience.

“Good. This second question must be answered in Jeopardy form: he was the first person ever to score OVER NINE THOUSAND points in the decathlon.”

Butterscotch’s podium turned a Rainbowish cyan.

“Yes, Butterscotch.”

“1492!”

“I’m sorry, that’s incorrect.”

Pinkie Pie rang in.

“Pinkie?”

“Who is 1492.”

“No.”

Time expired.

“The correct answer is either Yang Chuan-kwang or Roman Šebrle. Both are acceptable. After two questions, the score is 0 to 0 to 0.”

Awkward silence.

“Next question.” Twilight magicked a card up because she felt lazy. “This body of water, often described as the second smallest of Earth’s oceans, doesn’t actually exist.”

Zecora’s podium turned grey.

“Zecora.”

“What is?”

“It’s not necessary.”

“The Southern Ocean.”

“Correct! One thousand points for Zecora, and that’s our first commercial break!”

The audience clapped.

“And we’re back!” Twilight said, despite not knowing what the first part of the and was. “Question #4: what was I gone for during the break?”

“Yes, Butterscotch!”

“Clopping!”

“Nope, sorry. Pinkie, you rang in half a second later?”

“Sex?”

“No. Rainbow’s been in the audience the whole time. Zecora, do you have any ideas?”

“You needed the lavatory?”

“Correct! That’s two thousand for Zecora!”

The audience cheered.

“Question five! If Zecora gets this one, Butterscotch doesn’t win!”

The audience cheered wildly.

“Girolamo Savonarola was executed in what year?”

14.92 seconds later, no one had answered.

“1498.” Twilight got the next card. “Okay, if nopony gets this one, not Butterscotch wins. Question six: who do you love?”

Butterscotch rang in.

“Butterscotch!”

“Big Mac!”

“That’s correct! A thousand points for Butterscotch!”

The audience made “boo” and “fuck” noises.

“Here’s the final question. If Zecora or Butterscotch gets this, then they win. If Pinkie gets it, then Zecora wins. Are you ready?”

“Yeah!” screamed the contestants and audience.

“Well, too bad, because it’s time for a commercial break!”

“And we’re back,” Twilight said after some fast-forwarded-through commercials. “It’s Zecora on 2,000 and Butterscotch on 1,000 as we go into the final question. For 1,500 points, here is the question, which must be answered Jeopardy-style: this settlement in Sermersooq was formerly known as Fiskenæsset.”

Five seconds later...

“Come on,” Twilight said, probably sarcastically but who knows, “Nopony knows this?”

Five seconds later...

“The answer is Qeqertarsuatsiaat. But more importantly, the last question is over, and the winner is Zecora!”

The audience cheered wildly.

“Come on down to the central stage-type area, Zecora!”

Zecora obeyed Twilight’s order. Wait, is that for the other thing? No, that’s right.

“Are you ready for the bonus question?”

“Yes.”

“‘Yes’? You’re on a game show, you need to be more enthusiastic.”

“Yes!”

“Good. Now, for an extra 18,000 bits, here is the question. Ranking all the mountains on Earth—”

“I’m sorry, but I have a question.”

“Yes?”

“Why are there so many questions about the history of another planet?”

“Well, duh, it would be too easy if all the questions were about here. Anyway, what place is K2 in for prominence?”

“Prominence?”

“You know. Topographic prominence.”

“I’ve never heard of that.”

“Then you lose. The answer is 22nd.”

“Okay....”

“See you next time on...”

“MANE CHARACTER FOR AN INDEFINITE PERIOD OF TIME!”

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