Some people say that whenever a man is at his happiest, he must be the most on guard. For God will be a total douche bag and just shatter his life’s work upon the achievement of what he believed was its completion. I just thought as a former human, I was the only one who had attracted the attention of that jackass.

And as just plain wrong as it was when it happened to someone else, I kind of felt just the tiniest bit glad that I really wasn’t the one and only universe’s punching bag. I mean, I had been species-changed, girlified, hit on, and princessed. So the fact that something bad was finally happening to someone else who didn’t really deserve it kind of made me a little bit happy.

That is until my morality reminded me it was Tia a whole two seconds later, and then I just felt bad for her.

I mean, I knew from personal experience of her bitching about crap that being the head Princess of Equestria was no walk in the park. The woman constantly went on about how much things had changed since the golden age, and that in her day things were a lot less whiney on both the side of the nobles and Celestia herself. Then she’s apologize for going on about her problems before I did my best to make her feel better. Which usually involved putting my human hands on parts of her body that felt good when I touched them in certain ways that had nothing to do with sex.

But since I wasn’t male, naked, possessing fingers, or sitting next to an equally unclothed woman with female mounds too large to be natural, my options for cheering Tia up were somewhat limited. And as we exited the throne room where I had just been crowned to head to a ballroom where the upper crust of pony society were gathering to see how deep they could plant their lips up my ass, it seemed as if any chances I had of talking to my horse of a girlfriend were being put on hold.

This was mainly because some idiot unicorn with a blue coat I didn’t know was already making his way towards me. “Ah Princess Omnifarious, I am Lord Sassafras of Neighagra Falls,” the unimportant douchebag said as he introduced himself. “I’m sure you’ve heard of me.”

“Not really,” I deadpanned. Which I hadn’t of course, even before coming to Equestria. Which meant he probably wasn’t half as important as some of the ponies the fandom had picked up on, like say…Derpy.

I also made a mental note to go find Derpy and talk her up about a new job I needed her to do that involved next to no work and much more money. Being a single mom with two kids was tough no matter what species you were, and...oh hell, I was just doing it because I was a big Derpy fan.

The Smell of the guy’s offense brought me back down to Pony Earth in time to hear him start making their odd noises that some ponies would have interpreted as horse words. “Ahem yes well bla, bla bla bla, blabla, bla...bla bla bla.”

I did my best to tune out the idiot as he went on about radishes, or…something. By the time he was halfway through with his pitch for me to invest, or buy something, I was already excusing myself to move onto more important things.

And by that I meant more annoying ponies…

“Oh it is such an honor to meet the newest princess of Equestria,” the pony I recognized as Jet Set said in an even heavier Rarity-accent than Rarity herself used. “I trust to see you in Canterlot soon, unlike that other princess that lives in...oh what was it again?”

I did my best to hide my boredom behind some half-lidded eyes. Not to mention punch him out for snubbing my best friend in the pony world that I wasn’t going to end up banging on principal. “Charmed.”

Then there were the ponies that actually got an emotional reaction from me…

“Captain Spitfire of the Wonderbolts, your Highness,” the bitch that nearly made my little Dashie’s morality tear herself in two said as she gave a bow that wasn’t nearly low enough to a princess that could order her transferred to the front lines whenever Equestria had its next war.

Of course with my changelings around, replacing Spitfire so nobody would know she had been beaten to death by an enraged boy-turned-girlfriend would have been easy. But hiding the body in a kingdom that was about seventy-percent translucent walls and zero dark alleys… Yeah, she got lucky.

But it wasn’t all a pain in the ass. I did meet a few ponies that I was happy to see…

“You want my…autograph?” the gray mare in front of me asked before she turned off the sink that was running.

For some reason, Octavia looked pretty bewildered by my completely normal request that might have had me on my knees with a napkin and a quill floating in my magic as I prostrated myself on the bathroom floor where Tavi had just finished washing her hooves long after I followed her in to corner the mare to get my prize rather than just walk up to the group while it was on stage.

If anything, it would have been almost as bad as me just interrupting her when she was in Ponyville. I mean, long-distance relationships meant that every moment spent together was precious, and I didn’t want to be the jerk that ran over to a couple’s table and ruined their special night just for a signature.

But even with all the ass kissers, cello savants, and ponies that kind of needed murdering, I didn’t let my mind drift from what was important. In other words, figuring out just what the fuck was going on between Celestia and Luna. Not to mention the Sunset catastrophe that was really making me anxious. And I’m talking Twilight level anxious.

I mean, I was glad Sunset wasn’t going to go looking for a magical thingamajig to get revenge on Celestia with for giving her a failing grade on the princess exam but…the lack of revenge plotting had me worried too. There was no ‘I’ll show her’ coming from Sunset’s mouth about how she could prove she was worthy of a crown, it was just comment after comment about how she wouldn’t trade anything for Celestia being in her life.

It also sounded a little…too enthusiastic, like she was trying to convince herself of it more than us. The human in Equestria might have been adjusting to actually being a human in Equestria, but it didn’t mean she had stopped beating herself up over what had happened back in Earthquesteia.

And then there was the whole Celestia/Luna situation. Which I was still pretty confused about. From what I gathered, Luna was kind of pissed that her role in Equestria didn’t really amount to much. But…I was actually confused how Celestia hadn’t seen that.

Which left me at a bit of a loss as to what to do. Talking to friends about…friendly stuff was one thing, getting involved in demi-goddess sisterly squabbles was life threatening. But on the other hand, Tia didn’t exactly seem to be the calm and collected ruler that she usually was in these situations and actually looked at a loss on what to do in regards to Luna’s animosity.

And I could tell. Every time the white alicorn would look across the room at her little sister, the dark one would look in a different direction, and Tia would deflate little more. I was sure there was more to the snubbing I just couldn’t get, but what with me being half a room away, I couldn’t detect any of the subtle nuances that came from the pony body language that I knew next to nothing about.

Well, other than what a few tail signs meant. Twilight had no problem teaching me those.

When I finally decided to just walk over to Celestia and see what was going on, I felt my hoof land on something uneven before a loud…squawk brought my attention to something closer to my left, and down, and purple, and...scaly.

“Oh! Sorry about that Spike,” I apologized to the lizard with a little bow of my head and apologetic grin. I actually meant it too.

He gave me a little bit of a glare, but then turned his frowned down as he reached over to rub his tail a bit. “It’s okay. Happens sometimes whenever I’m in large crowds.”

Although I could detect a bit of sadness in his voice, I looked back up to where Tia was standing, and then turned my neck to get a visual read on Luna. And then…I looked back down to Spike after his little depressed tone replayed in my head.

So I could try and talk to creatures over one-thousand years old in an attempt to help them, or see what I could do with the depression of a teenage lizard…unless he was twelve. I needed to ask Twilight about those kinds of things if I was going to try and put myself in Spike’s life.

Since he was...a depressed young lizard that was kind of the responsibility of my girlfriend.

Which also kind of meant that…he might have been just the tiniest bit mine as well. God damn it.

So, managing not to look like I was getting ready to brace myself for whatever angst teenage crap Spike was about to lay one me as I…well...braced myself, I looked down at the dragon and gave him a sympathetic smile. “I haven’t seen you lately Spike,” I said while searching for just the right words to say since I couldn’t just ask him outright how he was doing.

Sure the little kid had zero chance in Hell with Rarity, and I probably would have pushed for the unicorn’s arrest had she actually done anything with the twerp, but it didn’t mean his horny little mind that thought the world revolved around him (if humans of his age were any indication) didn’t see things that way. “How’re you holding up? With the Rarity thing, I mean.” Not exactly subtle, but the whole holding up thing implied I knew it was still kind of hard for him.

The little sigh he gave in response had me wondering if I should have just gone on to Celestia. “I’m okay,” he replied before adding, “I guess.”

I raised an eyebrow. “I’m pretty sure you would know for certain if you were okay or not Spike,” I replied before lowering myself down just a little. “What’s wrong?”

Spike sighed and hung his head. “I don’t know,” he said with even less enthusiasm as he did before. “It’s…part of me wants to be mad at Shining Armor because he’s with Rarity, but he didn’t know about me and Rarity. And Rarity was the one that ran off to him without even…”

“Well, you were in Canterlot,” I reminded the dragon before switching tactics from light placation to reminding him of reality, albeit gently as I could. “And Rarity didn’t have to do anything in regards to you. Yeah you help her out a lot, but every pony knows you do it just to stare at her and fantasize. I mean, have you ever even really talked to her about anything?”

The little dragon raised a hand and waved it around as if he was shooing away an angry bee. “Okay okay I get it!” Spike exclaimed before crossing his arms. “Yeesh, you and Twilight…the two of you are like copies of each other or something.”

I didn’t know whether to take that as good news or bad. On the one hand, it meant Twilight might have been stepping up to the parenting role she was kind of put into by default. On the other, if Spike still held resent towards me and started lumping the two of us into the same boat…I knew Twilight would get plenty emotional about it.

“Well I guess that just makes us all the more right,” I replied with a little smile before forcing myself to take on a sympathetic look. “And besides Spike, you’ll see one day that this really is for the best.” Then I held up a hoof to forestall any ‘when’ comments so I didn’t have to snark a replied about how he’s still be young when Rarity got all wrinkly and her crotchboobs started to sag…that is unless I actually got to work on solving that back burning worry of all the girls growing old without me and had Zecora whip up some sort of immortality brew. But that was a worry for another year.

At the moment, I had a sad lizard to deal with.

“He’s right you know,” a familiar voice added, which caused us both to look over to find Twilight standing there in her full royal dress. For some reason I found it a little odd that she still had on her original coronation dress, but…Rarity had been pretty busy with her latest masterpiece in-between the time she spent with her royal lovers. “It’ll pass in time Spike, and your friendship with Rarity will be all the stronger for it. And it’ll be a real friendship, not…some kind of infatuation.”

I stepped back and let the princess do what she did best. You know, lecture others about stupid stuff.

As for me, I…

“Ah Princess Omnifarious,” some stallion with a monocle and other expensive clothes that shouted ’I’M RICH BITCH’ said as he walked up to me Canterlot style with his nose slightly in the air. “I’m Fancy Schmancy.”

I did my best to seem like I was listening to him go on about…something. I thought I picked up the names Celesia and Blueblood a few times, but I didn’t really give much of a damn what he was saying. I looked around the crowd for someone I would rather talk to. When I found her, I turned my attention to the noble, or businessman or…whatever the hell he was. “Excuse me, I have a more important pony to talk to than you and don’t want to wait until you’re done yaking,” I told him before walking past the idiot while he was in mid-sentence and moved through the crowd before I came upon the pony I wanted to have a few words with standing next to one of the three punch bowls on the buffet table.

Out of all the ponies gathered, she looked the most out of place. Although made from expensive materials, her light blue dress was definitely the plainest thing on the dance floor. So much so that some ponies were actually looking at her out of the corner of their eyes with little frowns that told me to do something bad to them.

Or tell some of my underlings to do it at least.

Underlings that I was fixing to add to in a non-egg laying way.

“Hello Derpy,” I said as I greeted the most huggable pony in existence. Not that I could grab onto her at that moment though. There was decorum that needed to be followed. Plus, I really didn’t want to give her the wrong idea. I was already sleeping with three girls, really didn’t need anymore.

Derpy was really more of the mare you went ‘awww’ at and admired...even if she did have an awsome ass with the perfect mix of jiggle and destructive capabilities.

She turned and gave me a smile. “Oh, hello Princess. What’s up?”

I managed to keep from scowling since it was Derpy, and just went on with the conversation. “You know Derpy since I’m an official princess and all,” I went on while still keeping everything nice. “I need somepony to be my official herald and delivery…pony.” Sure it was a completely unneeded job for me thanks to my thousands of minions that I made up on the fly about two seconds after I got in the room, but…well the damn pony wouldn’t let me replace her with a changeling so she could stay at home with her kids all day. Not to mention maybe go on a date with Time Turner before that damn stallion actually tried something with one of the flower ponies. So I’d just have to offer her much more lucrative employment with much shorter hours. Hours that would be spent looking at pocket watches with me.

“Oh,” the mare replied before smiling a little. “Well I know plenty of ponies down at the post office that-”

Not having a second of that shit, I cut her off as soon as I could. “I want to hire you. I mean, you’re a delivery pony and a mail mare, right? That makes you perfect for the job.”

Derpy blinked. “Um…well, I’m sure there’s plenty of ponies that would make better-”

“Sorry,” I interrupted with a raised hoof before she could finish. “Royal order, or decree, or…whatever. Long story short, I’m drafting you. Can’t say no. I’ll see you at your house the day after we get back to Ponyville.”

Although it looked like the pegasus was going to interrupt me yet again, she stopped with an open mouth and brightened up a little. “Oh, hello Princess Twilight! Nice to see you again. What’re you doing here?”

I looked back to the alicorn and picked up a bit of annoyance in her Scent while she shot Derpy a smile. “Oh, just chasing down this pony. He slipped away when I was talking to Spike.”

“He who?” Derpy asked as she cocked her head in confusion.

As for me, I looked over to Twilight with a raised eyebrow. That wasn’t the first time she had referred to me as a male either. “Uh…Twilight?”

The pretty purple pony princess let out a little groan. “Look, it’s been an hour, we’ve put up with these ponies long enough. I told the other princesses. Everypony but Princess Celestia has already left, and I need to get you out of that dress for our private party.”

I looked back to Derpy for a minute and was tempted to just go ahead and invite the pegasus to join us. But after a few seconds of thinking, I decided against it. Just up and dragging someone to a private party unannounced was kind of a dick move.

“Okay,” I agreed before I noticed Twilight focusing the magic in her horn and decided to show a few manners before I left. “Bye Derpy, say hi to your foals for me.”

Unfortunately, Twilight’s offer to take off my clothes for a private party involved no desire whatsoever for her to get in my pants…or under my tail, as ponies put it. We got to our bedroom, got naked, and actually left a little cleanlier than when we went in. It was the most innocent time alone I had ever spent with Twilight in a bedroom since we got together.

When we got to just the friends and family gathering, I noticed there were a few more faces than I was expecting. Pinkie and the rest of the girls were there of course, and Sunset, who skipped out on the crowded affair thanks to…well, being in Ponyville was one thing, but surrounded by ponies who didn’t know her might have been a little much for the human.

Trixie was there too despite her new friend status, and I found myself a little glad for it. Yeah, I was still a little leery of how much she was buddying up to Sunset, but I wasn’t going to try and get between the girls and her. Living with ponies had shown them all to be some pretty sociable creatures, and the way Trixie had apparently been traveling by herself made me pity her. It also didn’t help her personality all that much.

Although it sounded a little too ‘Discord reformation’ in my head, maybe having some friends around would be good for the unicorn.

And then there were the forty some odd ponies I didn’t even begin to recognize. They weren’t like...Pie Family unrecognizable because I had only seen them a few times in pictures. I literally had no fucking clue as to just who all the new ponies at my party were.

Vinyl was in the back of the room with some sound equipment she was still setting up. But the question of why what was supposed to be a small get together that accidentally exploded into something resembling an actual small party that had a DJ was put on hold when I saw a labeled box next to the speakers that had yet to be unpacked. What with the Music of Harmony and all, I kind of wonder just how the fuck something like karaoke was supposed to work here in Equestria. Not to mention the pop stars, and…pretty much any singing group whatsoever.

That was something I really needed to ask Twilight about.

Then there were the ponies I hadn’t been expecting. Nightlight and Velvet were a bit of a surprise considering it was my head that got the crown that I left in the room I was sharing with a few other ponies. Number One was there as well, although it simply stood off to the side with Sunset’s slaves waiting for orders like a good little changeling. As to the several ponies I had no idea as to the identity to and leaned over to Twilight for some clarification.

“Oh they’re friends of Shiny’s,” the little goddess told me. “Friends from the academy and before. They probably heard about the coronation and…well, any excuse to see an old friend is a good enough reason to go, right?”

I still felt a little put off by the fact that his guests to my private party might have actually outnumbered mine. Just because I thought being a princess was stupid didn’t mean I was going to let the position be walked on. “So this is Shining Armor’s private princess ball now?” I mumbled with a raised eyebrow.

In response, Twilight rolled her eyes. “Oh come on Fairy, you didn’t even want to celebrate this. Besides, Shining Armor doesn’t have balls.”

And thus Twilight Sparkle was able to cheer me up enough to not cause a scene. To top it off, those minor differences between human and horse languages meant she also completely missed the joke, so I was really tempted to milk that little saying for all it was worth. In truth, the only thing that stopped me from doing it was the fact that I didn’t want to alienate the only other pony with balls in my social circle.

Which was kind of depressing when I thought about it for more than a few seconds. I had been on the pony planet for about three months, and the only bros I had were a ranch hand and Shining Armor. And to be honest, me and Mac weren’t all that close.

Then, as I looked around at the tippy-top of the upper crust in the room, I noticed someone was missing. The unnaturally white alicorn with the big fat butt had become a no-show.

“Hey Twilight, where’s Tia?”

“Oh she’s…huh…” the alicorn mumbled as we looked around the room. “I would have thought she would have been here by now. Even after the teleport, we took a long time putting up our clothes.”

A little bit of annoyance crept into my mood as Twilight’s tone turned to a bit of a grumble. “Yeah well just throwing dresses on the bed leaves to all sorts of wrinkles. Ponyquins are the best way to store anything as bulky as my dress, and I’ll be burned alive before I do that to something Rarity made for me, even if it is a dress.”

Twilight gave me a wry smirk. “You know, I think I should be glad Rarity went after Shining Armor. Four ponies in one bed is enough for me, thank you.”

The image of Rarity joining our herd tried to make it way into my head, and I quickly stamped it out before fantasy-Rarity could do more than give me a little smile. Then I turned to glare at Twilight. “Hey, just because I’ve ended up in bed with my last three best friends doesn’t mean it’s some kind of weird constant that’s destined to happen until there’s some sort of weird…super…multi-pony bedroom thing going on,” I snapped at Twilight.

Sure Rarity was beyond hot and totally doable, but the fact that Shining was Twilight’s fucking brother meant that once the double unicorn and single alicorn trio were together, everything would be perfectly fine.

Well…unless…

Okay, I had to ask. “But just to make one thing clear…Shining Armor isn’t really your adopted brother who you watched sleep at night before he signed with a record label, right?” Because if he was, there was going to be trouble.

Twilight gave me a look that told me she was obviously doubting my sanity while her Scent came off as pure confusion. “Um…no,” she replied before giving me a little frown. “And where in the hay did you get a creepy idea like that?”

I cringed for a moment at my stupid comment. Ever since the whole herding slip, I had promised myself to discuss the fandom with any of the ponies. Sure most of it was probably harmless, but what if the little sister liked the idea of a Lunar Republic, or Rainbow got something like Scootadoption into her noggin?

I shivered at the thought of some of the more…cupcake-ish stuff that popped into my head and instead focused on the important things. “Not important,” I told her before looking back to the crowd of ponies that still lacked a Celestia.

Twilight gave me a bit of a sour face, but didn’t push the matter any further. Instead, she looked back to the crowd and let out a long breath through her nose. “Well, lets go mingle a bit before Princess Celestia shows up and things can officially begin.”

And mingle we did, after finding Dash at one of the cider kegs with a stein in her hoof that made me start to worry about her when it came to pony-alcohol, Twi and I dragged her away from the booze and into the crowd to talk to some of Shining’s friends.

Good God were they a bunch of nerds. There was even one with a polka dot bowtie that even the Doctor couldn’t make look cool and a pair of glasses named Poindexter of all things. I got my hot little dork away from that as fast as possible.

The only highlight of the half an hour that everyone spent waiting around for Celestia to show up was that I did manage to ask Twilight about the singing thing.

“Well we can’t just use the Music of Harmony on command Fae,” Twilight explained with a shrug. Which kind of had me wondering just how I had managed to pull a musical number out of my ass on more than one occasion when the chips were down and singing was actually needed to kick somebody’s rear.

“The music comes from the heart, not the head,” Twilight went on. Not that her more in-depth explanation helped me at all.

Then she smiled and looked over to our communal girlfriend floating in the air above us with a little smile. “And it’s a good thing too. Otherwise I’d have to put up with a constant rock album.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes at the comment, then dropped down on the other side of Twilight and smiled. “Better than some constant classical background junk.”

A second later, Twilight’s eyes became half-lidded in her usual ‘I’m disappointed with you’ kind of way and she looked over to Rainbow Dash. “You have no idea what type of music I like, do you?”

“Pfft please Twilight,” Rainbow replied before she got up into the air again like whenever she was about to really get into an argument. The only thing that kept me grounded was I could Smell the two of them weren’t very heated. “You’re already badmouthed the best kind of music there is, so your taste must be pretty high on the lame charts.”

Then Twilight got miffed, and I realized my error while the urge to just duck and cover before the sparks started flying grew. One thing I had learned about Twilight after all the time knowing her personally was that she hated to lose an argument, no matter the subject. And sometimes, she went pretty far for whatever victory she could get. In the other corner was Rainbow Dash, who hated losing of any type.

So I kind of just got ready to salvage whatever broken pieces of what was going to be left of our relationship when the pegasus was snagged by a purple glow and yanked down to the ground so she was eye level with Twilight, and the goddess leaned in close to whisper in Rainbow’s ear. I didn’t pick up what she said despite my horse hearing, but judging by how Rainbow was blushing when Twilight stepped away, I’m guessing the alicorn had found the perfect way to win their little argument.

And then came the end to the sexily touching little moment. It came with the odd combo sound of silver and sneakers striking crystal from behind us. Which announced the arrival of Sunset and Moonbutt before I turned to look at them.

Sunset, I could handle.

Luna being with her, that kind of made me a teensy bit nervous.

What made things even worse were the emotions I was Smelling from her. After what happened in the bedroom in the early morning, I had been expecting Luna to be angry and a little hurt. But what I was getting off her was sadness and worry. It painted a very different picture than the one I had seen with Luna snubbing Celestia’s looks all during the public party.

Now, they looked more like she was looking away from her sister in shame.

“Princess Omnifarious, Princess Twilight, Dame Rainbow Dash,” the Lunar Princess greeted each of us in turn a little too formally for my liking, or maybe it was just her saying what was now an official title. Either way, I was a bit on edge even in the presence of best pony princess. “Did Celestia inform any of you that she would be tardy to our enjoyable swaray?”

I shook my head no while Dash kind of just got all confused at the terminology Luna had decided to enact with her final word. Twilight simply answered. “I’m afraid not Luna. Do you think she would have gotten held up by the nobles?”

The larger goddess shook her head. “My sister is always one for perfect punctuality,” she said. “Never is she late, nor early. Celestia always arrives precisely when she means to.”

That one had me starting at Luna for a few seconds as I tried to figure out if it was just one of those reference things that Equestria was kind of built on, or if Celestia was actively quoting stuff from the things I had shown her in our dream house and passing it around. Considering the things I had shown that pony, the second option was much more terrifying than the freakiness of the first.

“Fairy are you okay?” Twilight asked, drawing me out of my horrified wonderings. “You look worried.”

With everyone looking at me, it took a second for me to come up with something a lot less stupid-sounding than me panicking over Celestia spouting movie quotes. “Well…um…are you all sure something hasn’t happened to her?” I asked uncertainly. “I mean…this is the Crystal Empire.”

Twilight frowned at me while she gave off ode de confusion. “What does that have to do with anything?”

So I gave a meager defense. “Uh Twilight? Have you seen our bad stuff scorecard for whenever we come here? Something bad always happens! The last two times I was here, we had to save every pony from certain doom!”

“Plus that whole thing with Sombra, and the Games inspector thing,” Rainbow added before she put a hoof to her chin. “Yah know, thinking about it like that…we should really stop coming to this place so much.”

Twilight groaned. “Just because some kind of evil monster has appeared every time we’ve been here to cause trouble-”

My confusion joined with my curiosity to make me cut Twilight off. “There was an evil monster during the Games inspection?”

Rainbow let out a snort that only a horse could accomplish. “Dude, have you met Ms Harshwhinny?”

“The point is,” Twilight went on, a little more annoyed than when she started. “It doesn’t mean something bad is going to happen now. Princess Celestia is perfectly fine! And if anything was powerful enough to cause her trouble, I’m pretty sure we would have heard it!”

After the four of us waited a few seconds for Twilight to calm down, Luna spoke up. “Well, not necessarily. The plunder vines that Discord created were able to restrain us before the guard could be alerted.”

Luna’s little reminder of the event that I had missed made me wince and kind of a little nervous. “Okay, just because there has been one little incident…” I trailed off as I remembered how Celestia had gone missing in the first episode. “…or two, doesn’t mean something bad has happened just because all of us together big huge event with every important pony in Equestria gathered in one place-and you know what? We really need to stop wasting these precious seconds we have to prevent the pony apocalypse before something bad happens to her.”

It took a whole five seconds for me to find Tia.

Well, at least after I had taken a minute to lock my legs in place and find something to lean up against. While horses could sleep standing up, I wasn’t about to see if it was a trait shared by the talking variety of equines.

From what I got from her for the few seconds I risked connecting with the princess, she was in our room. When I first got a glimpse, I had just thought she was running late and calmed down when I noticed her looking at my dress on its stand. Then she kept looking at it, and kept looking, and…just stared at the damn thing for all the time I was linked to her head. As for her emotions, what I got from the goddess had sent me running through the hallway with the others close behind.

But of course by the time I had gotten to the bedroom door, I had gone from panicked rush to a hesitant crawl. After all, if Celestia wanted to be alone, was it really right for me to come rushing in?

But...did she even want to be alone? Her actions could have been a cry for help for a heart to heart in a private place.

I stood there for a few moments while trying to make a decision.

And then Luna walked past me before she banged open the door and stuck her head in. “Sister are you present?”

On the right side of the room, Celestia jerked her head around and looked around with wide eyes for a moment while most of the girls shuffled past me. By the time I finally got prodded by the pegasus and went in, the sun goddess was speaking.

“What are you all doing here?”

Twilight chuckled nervously and played with the carpet using her hoof. “Oh, well um…when you didn’t show up for the party, we…might have thought you were kidnapped by an eldritch abomination that wanted to destroy all of Equestria,” she said before blushing. “I’ll admit, we might have gotten a little panicked.”

After Twilight finished her explanation, Celestia stared at us all for a few seconds before a tiny smile appeared. “Come now my little ponies, it’s only been,” she said before looking over to the clock on the wall across from her and frowning. “Oh…I must have been lost in thought for longer than I believed.”

“Thinking about what?” Sunset asked.

Celestia locked eyes with her daughter for a moment, and then lowered her head. “How to fix everything,” she said before glancing back up at the lot of us. “How I’ve ruined everything with two of you…how to keep from ruining everything with three of you.”

“Say what?” Rainbow mumbled from behind me before I heard her wings flap and her voice got higher position-wise. “What the hay are you talking about?”

While Celestia looked up to Rainbow for a second, Luna walked forward quickly and broke away from our group. “Sister that is not true! You…my outburst earlier…I was in the wrong to-”

“To what?” Celestia cut in with a frown as she stood up and looked down at the smaller alicorn. “To tell me how much I’ve hurt you? To show me that even after a thousand years, I am still doing the same thing that alienated you from me in the first place? That I’m not only making the same stupid mistakes with you, but now I’ve done so with my daughter as well?”

Sunset let out a tiny groan and stepped back when Celestia looked up at her, and Twilight moved in front of the girl. “Princess, you’re the most wonderful pony in Equestria! You would never-”

“I had sex with Rainbow Dash in the middle of a blizzard just the other day Twilight!” Celestia snapped at the alicorn a second before Twilight‘s wings opened wide.

The announcement got a flinch from Sunset. “Really didn’t need to hear that,” she mumbled very softly.

The purple alicorn reached down with a hoof to get her wings under control. “Um, yes well…I’m actually glad that happened,” she mumbled while her own Scent of lust increased. “Without that little push, we’d probably still be holding onto that one month agreement and-”

“And nothing!” the bigger alicorn shouted. “Stop excusing my actions! I could have stopped myself. I could have sent Rainbow away, I could have teleported anywhere in Equestria. Instead, I got wet from another mare touching my horn and decided to sate my Hunger! I let it happen and I enjoyed every bucking second of it!”

Sunset sunk onto the floor, and Rainbow flew over her. “Hey come on, that was more of an accident,” the pegasus said. “And if somepony had said, don’t rub an alicorn’s horn when it’s glowing because it makes them-”

“WOULD YOU ALL PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS?” Sunset shouted before she got to her feet and we all stumbled away from the human’s loud shouting. Left in her own little space, Sunset turned to Celestia and pointed at the goddess. “And you! You’re older than…fuck, anything else in Equestria! Stop pouting about everything and grow up! You made mistake, fine! You want to examine things to see what you did wrong? Fine! But actually move to fix things, don’t…just…do what I did when I first got here.”

As Sunset ran out of steam, Celestia urged Luna out of the way and stepped forward. “Sunset-”

The human shook her head and hugged herself. “And stop…stop beating yourself up over me,” she went on. “The princess thing…okay yeah, I’m really disappointed. Hurt and…a lot of things, but everything that happened is my fault, not yours.”

Celestia shook her head. “No, I should have done something more…”

“And even if I’m stuck here like this,” Sunset continued when Celestia’s words simply trailed off. “It’s better than being on the other side of that stupid mirror. And if I’m not meant to be a princess, then…at least I still have you…my mom with me.”

“Your daughter is right sister,” Luna added from behind Tia. “And do not trouble yourself over my own failings. If you do not believe me capable of ruling Equestria, then…I will trust your judgment and regulate myself to simply watching over the night and assisting the EUP with their duties.”

From my place in the room, I could Smell Luna wasn’t all that pleased with the idea as her kind voice would suggest, but I kept my mouth shut and simply wondered if Sunset was lying through her teeth the same way the dark blue alicorn was.

On the other side of the conversation, Celestia shook her head. “No Luna, that’s not…it is not a lack of faith in you that keeps me from allowing more problems to drift to your court,” she said before turning her attention to the human. “And Sunset, I am sorry for what I did to you, for…breaking you as I have.”

That little bit made me step forward. “Uh, yeah…about that Tia,” I spoke up while raising a hoof halfway to my face to help get a little extra attention. “I know you’ve got your future sense, or whatever it is. But, are you sure it even works on Sunset anymore?”

Celestia looked away from Sunset and over to me. “What do you mean Omnifarious?”

The question had everyone in the room looking at me a second later, and after glancing around at them all for a minute, I cleared my nervous throat. “Well it’s just that…Discord kind of knocked you for a loop despite this future sight thing, and then there was Chrysalis, and I’m guessing you didn’t see something like the Crystal Empire being taken over…twice, since you know…with the changelings and all,” I said nervously while it looked like Celestia was fixing to deconstruct my argument. “Or maybe the reason you can’t see her destiny is because she doesn’t have one, as a human, I mean. It’s not like you ever saw this Sunset in all those possibilities before you showed her the mirror, right?”

I would like to say that it was my little talk that got Celestia to cheer up a little and come to the party with the rest of us, but…Twilight and Rainbow had their two cents as well. Although the thing that got her fat ass moving was probably the fact that Luna and Sunset weren’t shouting at Tia anymore.

Still, everything wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Celestia tried to get into the spirit during our ‘little’ private party that had what felt like one hundred guests, but my emotional sensor could see past her fake smile. And judging by how many things Pinkie tried to get her involved in, I’m guessing the party pony wasn’t fooled either.

But all things considered, it ended as well as could be expected. Rainbow Dash got so drunk she couldn’t walk. Applejack managed to walk away from their little contest. Twilight practically massaged Celestia’s ass when we had a conga line. I won the pin the tail on the pony tournament thanks to the unfair advantage of having changelings in the crowd relaying me the poster’s position with pheromone communication. Rarity and Shining spent most of the night being dragged around by Cadence as she introduced the unicorn to all of her husband’s old friends as their future third on top of Shining’s parents. Pinkie managed to be in three places at once with all the partying she did. Luna managed to keep most of the ponies at a respectful distance, which was a mixed bag as far as I could tell. Sunset stayed close to Luna for most of the night, which was where Fluttershy also ended up half the time when she wanted some space, although Luna liked having her around. Trixie stayed close to Sunset despite the presence of the dark princess that made her nervous. And Spike kind of just wandered around the ballroom and had a dance or two with the CMC, who didn’t manage to shatter the Crystal Empire.

When the whole thing came to an end, everyone said their goodnights and goodbyes, Celestia hauled Rainbow Dash out from under the table where a changeling spell was keeping her from being noticed by the rest of the ponies present, and threw the pegasus onto her back before we popped back to the room.

Although it would have been nice to say the night ended there…half an hour of fondling Celestia’s rump had given Twilight a hunger that I had been forced to endure for the better part of the night. So after I put a sound dampening spell on Dash to keep her snores from shaking the room, I was subjected to a pony porn show that involved Celestia making a meal of Twilight while I wrapped my pony-arms around an unconscious pegasus. The whole time I had to wonder what I should have been more angry about, the fact that Celestia’s explanation of pony looks made me see her and Twilight going at it as hot, or how I couldn’t clop to it thanks to the fact hooves really couldn’t be used for that while I waited for my turn.

Then, after it came my turn to give and receive some love of both the physical and nutritious kind, we took what was fast becoming our usual position with Celestia on the bottom, the girls wrapped in her wings, and me on her stomach. It still made me a little uneasy that me and TwiDash had gone from a three-way hug to just an everybody cuddle of Celestia, but…I didn’t want to complain about it. The last thing I wanted was Tia thinking I was still afraid of her taking the girls away from me.

What we had was just a little change in the physical dynamic of our relationship. Just because I would never get to snuggle with Rainbow and Twilight again didn’t mean that the world was coming to an end. Or our relationship…which was kind of the same thing in my book. I could deal with not being able to smell Twilight’s shampoo as I passed out anymore, or opening my eyes to have Rainbow’s beautiful hair greet me as the first thing I got to see in the morning.

“Princess-”

“Twilight, what have I said about using my title? Especially now that we are not only equals, but lovers?” the Celestia asked in a somewhat bored before Twilight could finish.

The purple alicorn blushed. “I’ve called you Princess for most of my life…Celestia. It’s going to take me a little while to get used to, well…just Celestia.”

“Or Celly,” the larger alicorn before she moved to whisper into Twilight’s ear. “Although I think I’ve become rather fond of Tia.”

I watched Twilight shiver as the bigger goddess began to nibble on the smaller alicorn’s ear, and get a little laugh from her. “Okay, okay, Celly, you’re Celly!” she said before pulling away just a bit. “Even if it isn’t proper.”

Celestia’s face turned sour, and she looked away from Twilight. “Ugh, proper. I’ve had enough proper to last me ten millennia,” she grumbled before her entire body jerk just a bit and she looked back to her fellow pony princess. “I’m sorry Twilight. It’s just, today has been…stressful.”

“I understand,” Twilight replied as she nodded her head.

“We were there for most of it,” I reminded her.

Rainbow silently snorted her condolences between breaths.

“That blasted ceremony today and the party,” Celestia went on before she shook her head and sighed. “I’m usually much better at dealing with all of this but…Sunset, and now Luna. I can’t stop thinking about how I hurt them no matter how hard I try. Why can’t I stop thinking about it?”

I shuffled around on top of Celestia. “Come on Tia,” I said while trying to sound a little supportive. “It’s not like you can’t turn Sunset back to a unicorn eventually, and Luna…just give her more things to do. Problem solved.”

A groan came from Twilight, and I looked over to see she was giving me a half-lidded glare. “You can’t be serious.”

“What?” I asked. As far as I could see… “Sounds like a pretty simple solution to me.” At least simple when it came to figuring out what to do. But in the case of Sunset, how to turn her back into a unicorn, and then eventually into an alicorn…that would take some doing.

Twilight raised her head to look in Rainbow’s direction for a few seconds while Dash continued to snore behind magic that kept her mute, and then she looked back to me. “I can’t believe you of all ponies aren’t seeing this,” Twilight told me.

“Not seeing what?” I asked, more confused than ever.

“Fine,” Twilight replied not a second before she looked over to Tia. “Princess, why did you bring Sunset back to Equestria?”

Celestia flinched just a little bit, and the legs holding onto me gripped tighter. “I was selfish. The second I saw her again, I wanted her to come home and be with me.”

“Not because you could offer her a better life where she belonged?” Twilight went on. “Not because you could give her the love that nopony else could? When Sunset got back to Equestria and we worked together on your project and the mirror, I listened to how her life was like after I left. What she and the…counterparts to my friends had…it wasn’t friendship. They kept her around, gave her a place to sleep, and maybe even had a few parties, but from what she says, it was more out of obligation and pity than any desire to be with her. I don’t believe for a single second you didn’t see the pain Sunset was in, and wanted to rescue her from it. Yes, you wanted her here with you, but because things should have been better for her in Equestria, not because you wanted to make things easier for yourself.

“And knowing that,” she went on while I Smelled the sadness start to build up. “I can’t even imagine you doing something to hurt Princess Luna intentionally. You just want what’s best for your sister, and your daughter, and you’re doing whatever you can to give it to them. And that’s why it hurts so much, why you can’t stop thinking about it.”

When it seemed Twilight was finished, Celestia frowned at her. “Twilight?”

The smaller alicorn sighed. “And I know about all of this because…I did it too,” she said before looking past me. “Almost a year ago, I did something terrible to a mare that I love, thinking all the time I was helping her. And it wasn’t the fear of asking for an apology that filled my mind the most. It was how by doing something I thought as good, I actually hurt her.”

Celestia shifted in the bed as Twilight finished, and I glanced over to our other communal lover. “Oh, you’re talking about-”

Apparently, all of the movement was enough to get something through to the blue pegasus and she raised up a second later before speaking.

“…”

Well, her mouth moved at least. I had to focus on the annoyance I felt at the spell for basically taking away my Dashie’s voice before I was able to focus my magic to undo the enchantment I had put on her before she could actually be heard. “Wha? Hey girls, what’s going on? Gah!…head, pain!”

When her words were followed by a slight moan and Dash pushed a hoof to her head, Celestia bent down to touch it with her horn. “Don’t think I’m going to be doing this every time you get into a drinking contest with an earth pony.”

After the glow had died down, Celestia kissed Rainbow on the cheek, and I reached out with a wing to touch her shoulder while Twilight spoke. “It’s nothing Rainbow, just talking about how much I love you.”

Rainbow looked around at the three of us with a lost expression. “Oh…uh…that’s cool,” she mumbled. “Um…are we going to have sex now?”

Of course, we didn’t.

Not right then and there at least.

It took me a whole five minutes to get in the mood. Then I ate my fill in more ways than one once Celestia had gotten Rainbow all warmed up and ready for me.

And when the whole thing was over, Rainbow kind of just laid up against Celestia’s bigger body instead of trying to burrow into the thing with a snuggle like she and Twilight usually did. With that and the Smell coming off of her once the orgasmic bliss cleared up, I had to wonder what was going through her head.

But being the fastest pegasus in Equestria, she looked up to the goddess currently serving as her body pillow and ran her mouth before I could build up the courage to ask about anything. “Okay, what’s wrong?”

Celestia blinked, and looked down at the pony cradled in her wing. “Pardon?”

“Tia, I may have only done it with you a few times, but…you were way more enthusiastic the first few times we did it,” Rainbow told her before getting a little nervous. “Did I do something wrong?”

The question had Twilight’s apprehension on the rise a second before Celestia shook her head. “No my little Rainbow. The truth is, I am the one who is at fault,” she replied before giving into the full explanation about what troubled her with the little sister and daughter thing.

It took a good ten minutes, and as Tia was wrapping the whole thing up, Rainbow get out a confused grunt before speaking. “Okay so…just give her more princess stuff to do. Problem solved.”

And that ladies and gentlemen, is my pony.

“If it were something as simple as that, then I would have already done it Rainbow Dash,” Celestia said in a tone that was a tiny bit snappier than normal as she shuffled around in the bed a little bit. Then a second after she finished, the alicorn wilted a little bit. “I’m sorry, I’m just…a bit more stressed than usual.”

For her part, Rainbow didn’t seem to mind, or notice Celestia’s attitude like I could. She just blinked. “Okay but…why?” she asked, confusion written on her face. “She’s a big princess too, right? Shouldn’t Luna being doing half the stuff in Equestria if Twilight and Fae don’t?”

Twilight groaned at the question. “You know how I feel about telling my friends what to do Rainbow,” the alicorn said before the pegasus shot her a look that obviously questioned Twilight’s grip on reality and forced her to quickly respond. “I meant in a royal capacity!”

“It’s because things have changed so much since Luna has ruled Equestria alongside me and…I don’t want to destroy her expectations,” Celestia replied in hesitation.

This time around, it was Twilight who asked the obvious question. “What do you mean?”

Having a pretty good idea where this was going, I flew off of Celestia and let her sit up in the bed while we all got out of our snuggled position and into one better fit for a four-way conversation. Twilight reluctantly let go of the bigger goddess and rolled onto the floor, Rainbow took to the air, and I ended up at the foot of the bed after landing. Then the alicorn began the exposition.

“Before Luna was banished, things were very different in Equestria. The royalty and nobility were a few simple families, mostly based out of Unicornia. While still more…prideful than most ponies, they did what was best for all ponies as a whole more often than not. What’s more, they actually did something to help with running Equestria. These days, while the younger noble houses that still run towns and villages are worth something, after a settlement fails and the noble family returns to Canterlot, they become self-obsessed within three generations. While Luna…she had no idea that is how the nobility is these days. To expose her to the headache of the Canterlot Court now, it… I just can’t do that to her!”

Twilight cleared her throat. “Um Princess,” she spoke before Tia gave her a tiny frown at the title-slip. “Can’t you just…tell her that?”

I picked up a bit of annoyance from the bigger alicorn, but none of it showed on her face. “I’ve tried that several times Twilight, but Luna won’t listen to me.”

“Uh Celestia,” Rainbow Dash spoke up reluctantly. “Okay, I know I’m always the one that’s slow on the uptake here, but…so what if the snobs in Canterlot are a pain? It’s not like one little thing is going to make everything else so bad. I mean, you like being a princess, even with so many jerks hanging around you all the time.”

Rainbow’s words actually managed to make Celestia drop her mask, and her Scent became one of anger, embarrassment, and a little shame as she tilted her head a little bit away from the pegasus while pointing her eyes all the way away. “That’s…not really the case.”

“Say what?” I asked, too shocked to really comprehend what she had just said. Because it kind of sounded like Tia…

Before I could bring myself to finish that little thought, Celestia sighed and shook her head. “When Luna and I first became princesses, we were overseers, mediators, and guardians. We protected our little ponies and settled disputes. Now, I have to spend my days listening to overgrown foals whine and nod my head. Instead of fighting dragons, I sign paperwork. Instead of helping ponies that truly need it, I placate children. Instead of spending time with my daughter, I have to deal with the…mules who consider her to be some kind of new pet!” the goddess rambled off in a tired tone before she got Dash in her sights. “The truth is my little Rainbow, I don’t like being a princess. In fact, this past year…I’ve grown to hate it.”

And that was the end of that little conversation. I could tell when Dash’s wings forgot to keep flapping and she hit the ground on her hooves and Twilight just went “Bwa?” with a slack jaw.

I…blinked. “Come again?” Unable to say more.

Celestia looked up at me with a frown, and I could Smell her anger growing. “You of all ponies I thought would understand Omnifarious,” she told me with a frown. “Every night since we have been sharing our sleep, I have told you how many headaches I get from these foolish foals a day!”

After raising my pony-arms and waving my hooves in a placating gesture, before Tia could go nuclear on me, I tried to back peddle. “Okay, okay I know,” I told her. “And I’m not saying I don’t get that you’re stressed but…well…just hearing you say you, ya know, hate it is pretty…surprising.”

I didn’t think Celestia was capable of hating anypony. Monsters and all those things that were bump in the night besides Luna. But not ponies. And yeah, if she hated her job, she hated the reason she hated it.

“And so you see why I can’t expose Luna to this,” Celestia told me fiercely before her glared turned sad. “No matter how much she wants me to.”

Silence once again enveloped the room, and I found myself unsure of what to say. Sure I had the whole ‘but have you told her this?’ question running through my mind about two seconds in, but this was Celestia. There was no way she hadn’t explained things to her sister, who struck me as the super stubborn type.

A minute ticked by.

And then another that every pony in the room with wings and a horn spent avoiding each others direct gaze.

And then-“OH COME ON!”

The three of us looked over as the pegasus once again got into the air with a frown on her face. For some reason, I had to wonder if Rainbow would have been one of those people that goes all over the room when they’re angry if she had been born a human and her wings just compensated for that.

“You. The two of you are right here and you’ve got nothing in your eggheads to fix this?” our pretty little pegasus companied. “Isn’t that your thing?”

I had to wonder just when I joined the Club Egghead in Rainbow’s mind. I read a lot, but I wasn’t a nerd like Twilight. And then there was her other misconception. “Um Rainbow, I really don’t think this falls under the whole friendship problem category. What with all the sex and junk.”

And then, I saw Twilight move to get out attention and correct me. “Actually, I’m finding my new relationship with the three of you to be exactly like friendship. The only differences is the amount of time spent together and the uses for my mouth have gone beyond simply talking.”

For some reason I found myself a little disturbed by that, but shook it off as soon as I could. Ponies were different than humans. It made sense they had a different rating system for relationships. Even if there was a difference between friends with benefits and lovers were I came from didn’t mean Equestria ran on the same rules.

Right?

“AGH! Enough of that!” Rainbow cut in before she put a hoof to her head and rubbed it while I watched on with envy. I still had trouble just touching myself as a pony.

Which sounded just plain dirty and wrong.

“You know what? I’ll do it myself,” Rainbow mumbled, breaking me out of some rather disturbing images that involved me touching myself as a pony that looked dirty and wrong. Then I blinked and looked up to her as she pointed to Celestia. “Look, you’re you! You’ve got your own thing do, and I’ve got my own thing, and-wait.”

Rainbow touched back down and frowned. “Sorry, I’ve been working on this speech since Scoots started to figure out she’s a grounded pegasus, and her parents said they wanted me to break the news to her. Cowards.”

Scoots is a what? I said without talking because…well, the name kind of said it all. There of course had been some theories floating around, but actually having heard it from Rainbow Dash’s mouth…just…I had no words.

But no one else in the room seemed to mind the announcement that Scootaloo was crippled and it was kind of the wrong time to start demanding explanations as to why there wasn’t some spell or magical surgery to fix things when it came to Rainbow’s sort of little sister.

“Okay, let me start over,” Rainbow said while Tia and Twi were just staring at her in confusion. “You’re you! She’s…her. You’ve got stuff you’re good at and she’s got stuff she’s good at, but just because you‘re…uh…not good at…something? Uh…wait, I lost it again.”

Twilight’s feather’s latterly became ruffled and she spread her wings. “Rainbow! How can you say something like that! Princess Celestia is-” Before Twilight could really get into defending her goddess/idol/wet dream, her personification of pony perfection let out a chuckle and stopped her cold.

“It’s alright Twilight,” Celestia assured her. She turned to Rainbow Dash and smiled at the nervous pegasus that had just called Celestia anything less than perfect. “And, I think I understand what you’re saying Rainbow Dash.” Which put her decryption skills far above mine, because I was still completely lost. “Thank you for trying to ease my worries.”

The pegasus reached up to rub her shoulder with a hoof, and I looked on at the adorable sight of a Rainbow Dash being a bit uneasy while her face turned just a little red. “Uh, no problem Prin-Tia.”

At that, Celestia slid back down onto her back and opened her wings and legs for the three of us to climb in. “It’s late my loves, and I need some rest after our earlier activities. Come, things always look better in the light of a new day.”

Despite my apprehension about not talking this whole thing to it conclusion, I was outvoted when Rainbow and Twilight snuggled up against Tia in their feathered blankets. So, I climbed into my goddess’s belly and carefully tucked my head under her chin to avoid impaling anything.

“And Omnifarious? Prepare some entertainment that will last the night, something with a compelling story and interesting characters. Oh, and alien. Make sure it’s nothing like Equestria. I want to lose myself in another world for a few hours,” Tia ordered.

I searched my brain for a few seconds for something we could marathon all night that fit the bill and at least had some familiar things so I wouldn’t need to explain everything to the horse that possessed barely any twentieth century level of technology. Showing her Star Trek had been a bad idea.

Of course, the answer came to me almost immediately. My mouth twisted into a little grin, and I looked down at Celestia. “In that case Tia, bundle up, because…” I cleared my throat and tried to make my voice sound as close to my memories as I could while speaking horse.

“Winter is coming.”

I actually stood a little bit higher, proud I was able to pull off.

But then…

“No it’s not,” Twilight raised her head and looked over at me with a bit of a thoughtful frown. “Well, okay it is, but we’re much closer to Fall, and still in Summer. Which reminds me, I need you to meet with the Ponyville zoning board, the Summer Wrap-up planning committee, the Ponyville-”

I groaned and looked over to the alicorn with a tired expression that I actually felt. “Not the time Twilight,” I said to the pony who really knew had to ruin one liners.

Author's Notes:

Next up: The End

...of all this emotional stuff...

...as Tia magically solves everypony's problems!

Just...without any magic...and I suppose plenty of ponies will still have problems...

Oh, and Spike gets stuck on the same one car train as Rarity! So...yeah. That'll happen too.