Okay, I know I’m beating a dead horse here, but…

I can’t stand kids.

The little ones I mean.

I don’t outright hate them, I just can’t stand them.

Although such an opinion usually led to me hating particular children. Like Diamond Tiara for instance. Yeah, she was a cute pink little pony with a princess tiara that you just wanted to pick up and hug on sight, but good God was she annoying! Annoying leads to aggravating, and aggravating leads to hatred.

Unless of course some child does something stupid. Then I skip straight to the hatred like I did with Spike, because he…well, okay, I guess he didn’t really try to kill Sunset but…he kicked the rock that started the avalanche. It was close enough for me. But he was just a kid, and if he wasn’t going to try sicking a mob on me again, I could get past what happened. Not forgive or forget mind you. Humans are vindictive creatures that barely ever forgot a slight to us, and I’m pretty sure my memory had only improved since becoming a changeling.

So, forgive and forget?

No.

Move past it if the perpetrator is young and stupid, and is willing to fall into line?

That, I could do.

So rather than go home and see what had been bothering Rainbow Dash the night before, I left that job to Twilight and went with Spike to get his ‘I’m sorry’ gift that just happened to coincide with Twilight’s upcoming birthday in a few weeks. Although the object Spike planned on getting, with money apparently provided from the sale of gems that Tia sent his way for food by the way, was a little confusing to me. “You want to get Twilight a telescope?”

It seemed a little mundane for a pony goddess. Plus, there was the fact that she already had about three of the damn things. Although, two of them were monstrous contraptions that looked like they belonged in a small observatory Twilight had to leave at the library since they were the property of the town. I tried to tell her as a princess she could have just had them sent over to the castle, but Twilight preferred to leave them where they were.

She also left me wondering just how the hell a podunk town like Ponyville ended up with so much scientific equipment. Her lab I could understand, that was just a crazy unicorn with access to a large budget and no social life to help suck away the funds. But two telescopes big enough you’d need a big rig to haul around were pushing it.

“Mind if I ask why?” I, well…asked.

Spike leaned over to my side and forward, which kind of threw off my balance since he had just decided to ride on my back and made me readjust. “Oh come on! You’ve seen how old and beat up Twilight’s telescope is getting!” he said in a kind of fussy tone that kind of made me wonder if I needed to make preparations for Spike’s sudden but inevitable betrayal when he decided to act stupid and try to separate me and Twilight. “Getting a new one for her birthday would be the perfect gift!”

I had to assume Spike was talking about Twilight’s third telescope that she actually brought with her to the castle. The telescope I didn’t know that much about other than the fact that it was more along the size of what a normal person would use. Oh, and it was blue.

Other than that, I had nothing. Astronomy was one of the things I stuck clear of to stay sane. My brain could only deal with one thing that didn’t make sense, and because I couldn’t run away from Pinkie Pie without making her cry, she was it. Specifics about the how of weather, the stars, questions relating to Tia and Luna’s parents as well as Discord’s origins, and why ponies crafted things that were obviously made for a species with fingers were ignored for the most part.

“So why’re we going to the princess to recommend a store instead of…um…Twilight’s parents?” I finally asked. Twilight had said they were also into astronomy after all. Going to them made sense. At least more than bothering a pony goddess about some mundane thing. Tia might have been my friend, but there was no way in hell I was going to bug Celestia at her proverbial office.

Spike rolled his eyes. “Those two couldn’t keep a secret if their life depended on it. If I tell them, Twilight will know by next week.”

And so, instead of going to the logical couple that probably had nothing better to do than give advice to their adopted son on what to buy his sister, we headed towards the pony goddess that probably had a line of petitioners a mile long that needed to be addressed. Sure most of them were just coming to complain, but Tia did let the common mare bring her troubles to the attention of the court. I doubted everyone that waited hours to see her just wanted to bitch about stuff, five or six ponies probably had some real concerns that needed to be taken care of.

I had certainly sat over about…well…one or two real problems in the weeks and weeks of work as Ponyville’s local federal government authority. Canterlot probably got a few cases like that a day.

But of course, Equestria just laughed at my ideas when I got up to the castle, through the guards and down the halls depicting recent Equestrian history that…made me stop and stare at one of the windows. Depicted upon it was a dark blue cloud hanging over a rather simplistic representation of the Crystal Empire with what looked like hands grasping out towards the nation while several different colors of glass depicted a multicolored light imitating form a central figure that was flying at the center with something that made me frown when I flew up to examine it closer. “I didn’t play the guitar, I played the drums.”

“Eh, artistic license,” the dragon replied before looking over to his own window, which was a much bigger example of ‘artistic license' than mine ever was. I’m pretty sure he only held that damn heart for about two seconds, and he sure as hell didn’t hand it off to anyone like the window practically showed him doing.

I grumbled while heading back to the ground. “And where the hay was Shining Armor in that picture?” I asked. “He played main…” Well, I could understand the ponies not wanting to show off the other hero of the hour not playing a keytar, but he should have at least been in the damn picture! “Instrument,” I finished before landing and heading through the hallway and into the throne room.

The place of was as immaculate as ever with its high columns, even more colorful windows, and the long stretch of red carpet that led to the goddess’s throne that Celestia was currently parking her perfect pony posterior on. Having lived in the Castle of the Pony Sisters before rechristening it Everfree Castle, I had to look up at the single throne that Tia was currently occupying and wonder if Luna was a little resentful of not getting a seat of her own. She had one back then after all.

The other thing I noticed was a distinct lack of ponies.

Oh, there were guards and a unicorn servant that stood next to Celestia with a notepad in her magical grip. But other than them, there was only a single other unicorn in attendance. It was a single douche of a unicorn with larger than average size and blonde hair that made me want to just puke. Apparently, Celestia hadn’t been kidding about telling all her petitioners to come back another day when I was spying from inside her skull. But that didn’t apply to alicorns come to see Tia on royal business.

Hell, considering how our last few meetings went inside the palace, I wouldn’t have been surprised if Celestia gave her goons standing orders to just let me and the girls through no matter what was going on.

“Prince Blueblood, it has come to my attention that you have found some of my recent actions in bad taste,” Celestia said in a loud tone to the stallion in the center of the room as he approached. “Particularly in regards to the additions to the royal line, and my personal one.”

The unicorn pointed his nose up in the air like a snob, or maybe he was just looking up at the goddess on her throne, and spoke. “I don’t know what you’re talking about Auntie.”

“The previous night, I’ve heard tell that you referred to my daughter, my emotionally burdened and fragile daughter, as a piece of trash unicorn, as well as a freakish pet!” the goddess went on in a growl. And it could have been my imagination, but the air around Celestia might have shimmered just a little bit like when there was a major source of heat disrupting it.

“And did they also mention how that monster attempted to do me harm and sabotaged my attempt to hold up a noble tradition that the royal family of Canterlot has taken part in since Equestria was made?” Blueblood actually managed to demand, surprising the hell out of me.

I would have thought the girlyman would have been cowering in front of Tia. Instead, he stood with his head held high. He was apparently a lot more stupid than I gave him credit for.

On the other side of the conversation, Tia continued with the firm and loud with no nonsense tone. “We both know the real reason you joined that particular class instead of your usual tactical theory courses was because of how the teacher looked rather than any honor it would bring to your forefathers. As for Sunset’s actions, the entire point of that exercise was to pit the lot of you against one another. Considering your insults to the girl, I can hardly blame her for picking you off first.”

Blueblood stood firm, although whether it was out of bravery, stupidity or some kind of suicidal need to be an ass, I didn’t know. “And what of it?” he demanded with a humph. “She is the only one of her kind, transformed by magic into an unnatural form and only has what she has because you gave it to her! By every definition, she is a freak, and little more than your pet! And if memory serves, a monster that once assaulted you before fleeing in disgrace!”

As Celestia’s eyes narrowed, I became sure that the air around her was indeed hotter than it was in the rest of the room. “Yes, everything she has is because of my actions, including her current predicament,” Celestia agreed in a neutral tone. “Just as everything you have, everything your sire had, and everything his sire had was due to the actions of those that came before you.”

Apparently taking offense to that, Blueblood stomped his hoof onto the ground. “Exactly, I have what I have because of who I am! I was born as the Prince of Canterlot!”

“Birth?” Celestia asked evenly, or maybe she was just repeating what the idiot said. “You think do you think the fact that you were born entitles you to anything? A dog, a flea, a worm all these things are born! So apparently they too are entitled to be called Prince, and given everything you have!

“Meanwhile, Princess Twilight Sparkle has defended this land on several separate occasions and come to understand a truth about ponies that goes beyond the tribes, just as Princess Cadence has! Since the day she came back, Sunset Shimmer has worked at designing new enchanted items that will make the lives of ponies better and bring us closer together. Even without being a pony, she has once again started down the same path as the two of them! The path that I set her upon years ago!” the goddess said in a voice approaching a shout that was full of anger and pride as she half-looked up away from the unicorn. “Both Twilight and Sunset earned their a place under my tutelage and proved themselves worthy of my teaching with every lesson. Cadence was born with nothing, and earned her crown without a single lesson from me.”

But then she gave Blueblood her full attention again, and that pride was swallowed by her anger. “And then there is you,” she went on with a frown. “The direct descendant of Princess Platinum and overseer of the Canterlot district of Equestria. And like your father before you, and his before him, you sit on your plot, squander your fortunes, neglect your duties, and shirk any responsibility that doesn’t revolve around planning parties or counting your money! The only reason you are even called prince is from a clerical error that was made ten generations ago that your several times great-grandfather and I decided to keep around as a laugh! I should have you renamed Duke like every other member of the regional nobility. Your actions do nothing but dirty the name of Prince, and I am far too fond of my new nephew to see his title be shared with somepony like you.”

With that threat, Blueblood’s steadiness shattered. “W-What?” he stuttered. “Y-You can not do such a thing! That would…that would put me on equal level w-with that farmer and business mare you put in charge of hick towns like Appleloosa and Dodge City!”

Celestia scoffed. “I assure you nephew, Silver Saddle and Cherry Jubilee are both far above you in worth as managers of their territories, and company,” she told the unicorn before descending from her throne, making Blueblood back away from the goddess. “And if you want to keep your meaningless title, then you will make apologies to my daughter.”

The demand got a cringe from Blueblood. “Very well,” he grumbled. “I will have one of my servants draw up a letter for the monk-”

“I AM NOT FINISHED YET!” Celestia roared as she struck a hoof to the ground. “You will give this apology to my daughter in pony, in front of the Sun Court for all to see, and you will also present a basic plan in which you can improve the lives of Equestria’s citizenry by the day after tomorrow when I return from the new princess’s coronation. If you do not do this, then I shall declare you unfit for your position and have you stripped of land and title!”

Blueblood sputtered. “You-but, that…you can not do such a thing! I protest! I resist! I-”

The horn on top of Celestia’s head lit up, and the goddess glared at the unicorn. “Allow me to assist you in your duty by sending you to the archives so you can better research a way to complete your task,” Tia told him. “Don’t come back until you are summoned!”

There was a bright flash, and I found myself alone in the throne room with Celestia. And her secretary, as well as the guards, on top of the dragon on my back. But for a few brief seconds I felt like I was alone with Celestia because…well…seeing her be all take charge, putting some moron in his place and kind of being...you know, a Princess with a capital P…

It was hot.

It was the Tia I thought I knew.

It was the Celestia I admired.

And…unfortunately, it was also the goddess that was pretty untouchable by some mere mortal man like me.

Then she looked up at me and smiled. But her emotions were much more mixed. There was that lusty friendship that came from the goddess and other ponies when they were close to someone they liked in a way that ended with two ponies in bed. But there was also something else. A slight whiff of anger that I caught below the surface of the first emotion, like an aftertaste. “Omnifarious, Spike, what are the two of you doing here?”

“Well you see Princess,” Spike began before repeating the same story he told me about Twilight needing a new telescope that wasn’t meant for an observatory, and how he had eaten light for a couple of nights to get the bits for it. Which probably led to him realizing he could eat a little lighter when it came to the gems and buy a ton of comic books.

When Spike was done, Tia looked at the gray unicorn mare that had remained up by her throne. “Raven, have a messenger sent to Starry Eyed’s workshop and tell him I’ve requested his presence at the castle.”

“At once your majesty,” the mare replied in a nasally voice that sounded way too much like the generic secretary from some old 80s movie. Then her existence became even more of a bad pun when I watched her walk by and noticed the writing desk cutie mark.

After the mare had left, Spike jumped down off my back and grunted uncomfortably a little bit to get Celestia’s attention. Then he nervously played with his claws. “Uh…a-about what you were talking about, you know...Sunset?” the dragon mumbled before gulping. “I should um…I should probably apologize too.”

Celestia looked down at the little dragon and raised an eyebrow while the rest of her face stayed firm. “Probably?”

“Definitely! Definitely apologize, I mean. If she’ll even speak to me, that is,” Spike said in a tone not much higher than before.

Tia’s rather stern expression went soft, and she knelt just a little bit. “Well then, let’s find out.”

A few seconds of trotting down the halls with Spike not riding on my back for once, probably because he wanted to keep a nice slow pace and keep the option of running away open, and I was having a hard time keeping down two very big questions. The first was of course, Sunset’s designs for magical versions of human technology. I might have seen and heard Tia and Sunny talk about her video phone, but from the way Tia had just spoken, Sunset had to have more than just one little gizmo.

But I couldn’t ask her about that because…

Okay well I could, but seeing as how we were about to go see Sunset, I doubted her designs were going to be under wraps for much longer.

So instead, I asked about something else that had been on my mind for a much longer time. “So Tia, with how you go on about all these nobles all the time, I didn’t want to bring it up but,” I paused for breath and dramatic effect. “But what’s up with this lesser and higher nobility stuff?”

I could have asked Twilight about it, but…the Princess of Verbose Explanations usually had me wanting to take a nap midway through her lectures that always came with chalkboards, reading assignments, and a pop quiz. A few months of living in Equestria, and the magic that made even the boring stuff interesting had kind of disappeared.

“Regional and lesser,” Celestia corrected. “And what’re you talking about? You said Twilight explained the ins and outs of Equestrian society.”

“No, she told me about pony dating stuff societal norms,” I clarified. “Like…tail manners, what flowers to eat and what not, why all of Ponyville has to share a single source of hot water that Spike routinely uses up with baths that last six hours long and require a constant influx of hot water-”

“Hey! Scales are hard to clean and I need the water boiling hot just to feel it!”

While I rolled my eyes at that one, Tia did her usual giggle. “Well it’s not that big a secret. Everypony knows, Twilight probably just forgot to mention it because the knowledge is so common,” the alicorn replied before taking a little breath. “Basically, when a new town is founded, the pony responsible for its organization and funding is given the title of Duke and tasked with keeping the whole thing running smoothly. It’s more of a holdover from the old days more than anything else, as the titles are usually dropped and a democratic system replaces the old one when the Duke passes on. Although there are some ponies that hold onto it for a generation or two.

“For instance, Applejack’s great-grandfather was the Duke of Ponyville, but her grandmother didn’t want to inherit the title, so they held an election after her father passed on. Meanwhile, Dodge City continued their traditional form of management and Cherry Jubilee is the current Duchess,” she concluded.

I nodded in understanding, thankful for just two examples. Twilight would have had one for every region of Equestria. “And the lesser houses?” I prompted with a raised eyebrow.

Celestia’s face darkened just a tad, and I Smelled her mood turn a little sour. “During the earlier years of Equestria’s existence, when breeding towns would…end, the nobles in charge of the region would return to Canterlot with their titles intact. Luna and I decided to humor them as they really meant nothing beyond sounding fancy. It was little more than a joke,” she said before becoming even more disgruntled. “But fancy titles did help to inflate egos, and doing business with Duke Sassafras of House Smoky Mountain sounded a lot better than doing business with Sassafras from down the street. So fortunes persisted, and with wealth came influence without the responsibility to improve the local community.”

Now Equestrian geography, I knew. So the name of the house drew my attention. “Wait, the houses are named after landmarks?”

That got a confused glance from Celestia. “What else would they be named after?”

“Um…the ponies who founded them, or…something?” I replied in a lame fashion as we made a turn down another hall. “Like um…if Twilight did make a town, she wouldn’t get something like House Sparkle?”

There was also the question of what happened when one town was settled right where an old one had been, or there were two towns in view of the same landmark. Was there a Smoky Mountain House B? House 2.0? House Smoky Mountain Redux? Or did unicorns just kind of stay clear of places where other unicorns planted their flags?

Celestia giggled at the question. “Ponies aren’t humans Omnifarious. We don’t inherit names. Those come from-” The door in front of us opened thanks to the glow from Tia’s horn, and the goddess cut herself off when we all caught sight of Trixie and Sunset lounging around the foyer of a larger than usual apartment. There was a balcony to my left and another door that I knew led to Sunset’s bedroom from my ride along with Tia. Despite the plain furnishing of a pair of couches, a magical fireplace that removed the need for a chimney, and just a single rug in the center that covered most of the floor, it provided more than enough room for Tia’s massive frame alongside everything else.

Trixie was with her, which was a little surprising to me. I would have thought she would have hightailed it out of Canterlot after meeting Tia for fear of accidentally slighting the goddess’s daughter, or Celestia herself. Instead, she was fidgeting in her seat Lyra style as she leaned over Sunset’s shoulder while the human girl jotted stuff down in her idea book.

“Trixie! You let her in here?” Spike said just a few decibels beneath a yell as he pointed a claw at aforementioned unicorn. “What’s she doing here? She’s just as bad as Sunset!”

The human visibly winced, and Trixie glared at the dragon after getting a look at Sunset’s reaction. “What is that thing doing here? Trixie thought Princess Twilight Sparkle returned to Ponyville.”

Celestia’s came in dry and reserved as she responded. “Be civil my little pony. Spike wanted to offer an apology to Sunset for his actions in the Crystal Empire. Now, Spike?”

As all the eyes in the room focused on him, the dragon looked around nervously before he turned his attention over to Sunset and bowed his head. “I’m sorry about what happened in the Crystal Empire.”

I wanted to smack myself for not going changeling before he spoke. My empathic nose didn’t work on non-ponies while I was magicked up to look like an alicorn, and after the Trixie comment, I was starting to doubt the little dragon’s motives for saying what he did.

When I found him crying about Twilight, I had only focused on that. The damn crying child image had filled my head, and I had managed to work Spike back into Ponyville. I hadn’t thought of what would happen when he got back and was living in the same house as the girl he almost killed. I had forgotten about the child currently under my care, and focused on the one attached to my girlfriend. If I had been Sunset’s real parent, I would have kicked myself in the balls. But as it was, I just felt like a pathetic idiot.

“I accept your apology ,” Sunset replied in an even tone with a tiny frown on her face that told me she was probably just going to the motions.

Tia nodded her head and a smile that didn’t match her emotional Scent appeared on the goddess’s face. “Well now that we’ve gotten that out of the way. Spike,” she said looking over at the dragon. “How about you go back to the throne room and wait for Raven to return with your telescope maker?”

“Oh um…okay,” the dragon agreed with a hesitant look that went back and forth between Trixie and Sunset.

As soon as Spike was gone, I looked back over to Tia. “Is he going to be trouble?” Kid or not, if Spike’s actions put Sunset in the hospital again, there would be no getting past it for me. I didn’t quite know what I’d do at that moment, but I knew he wouldn’t be liking it much.

Celestia gave frowned at the door Spike had left from. “It is a possibility, but…perhaps not,” she said before looking back to me with a smile. “Now, as to why I brought you here, you simply must see some of the things that Sunset has designed!”

From her spot on the couch, Sunset let out a groan. “M-Mom!”

And so for the better part of an hour, I was subjected to something Tia had probably never done before out of fear of making Sunset into an egomaniac: listening to a proud mother brag as she showed off her daughter’s accomplishments. Celestia was almost giddy as she went on and on about how ingenious some of the combinations to make the items were, or how Sunset had learned to use the effects of magic in new and interesting ways because of her human education.

Sunset looked a confused mess of sad, prideful, and embarrassed throughout the whole thing as Celestia went from device to device. I wasn’t sure, but it seemed a safe bet that Celestia didn’t hand out many compliments during their final years together.

As for what was in the book…

Sunset had designed half a dozen little things that Tia took an almost Twilight-level of time explaining. Aside from the mirror that she was already making plans for in the way of communicating with Cadence, there was a showerhead that could flash heat the water pumped through it using a combination of enchanted crystals that would allow for hot running water in Everfree Castle, the beginnings of what had to be a radio transmission system, what I surmised to be an electric railway that was energized by thunderclouds, and half a dozen other things that were X’d out and several more that were little more than the most basic of ideas.

Celestia took a ‘I actually know magic’ approach to the whole thing as she reeked of pride in her daughter’s ingenuity while she looked over each design and explained it to me after Sunset gave me the basic gist. Although halfway through most of the explanations, Tia would usually start talking with Sunset again. “Have you really solved the double harmonious imbalance that Clover the Clever said was the reason for-Sunset, how did you manage to even think of this?”

The human looked away for a second, and I could have sworn she actually looked embarrassed. “Humans have some academic disciplines that I skimmed through in my spare time. Quantum mechanics, analytical chemistry, theoretical physics…they were a hell of a lot more interesting than what the teachers at school were going on about,” she said before looking back towards me and Tia with a shrug. “The stuff I picked up gave me some ideas.”

I tilted my head as my brain started to hurt. “But…you were a high school student. How in the hay did you even-”

“It wasn’t that hard to get outdated textbooks,” she deadpanned, cutting off my question to just how the hell she even knew those subjects existed. I mean…okay, Sunset taking interest in something like a wormhole I could understand, but actually being able to comprehend it was a whole different matter considering the ‘human’ kind of science in Equestria was pretty messed up. Archaic in some places, and somewhat caught up in others, while still other areas of scientific advancement were just a middle finger to the laws of thermodynamics with the way magic worked in conjunction with everything.

Twilight might have had her lab, but it was more alchemy than chemistry; more magic than science. The ponies had a bit in the way of wet chemistry, but when you could put magic into the mix, the science that made sense kind of just went out the window. Not that I knew just how much of the old science I knew still held true. I was in a different universe that operated on different laws after all.

Still with her nose in Sunset’s book, Celestia shook her head in wonder. “I always knew you were technically brilliant Sunset. It was always your greatest strength that you understood the workings of magic, but this is beyond all of my-”

The door banged open, and Celestia cut herself off as all of us looked over to see Spike standing in the doorway with a worried expression on his face and an oddly dressed tan unicorn stallion wearing robes and a poofy hat that showed off various constellations standing behind him. “Princess Celestia, I need somepony to help me!”

“Is something wrong Spike?” Celestia asked before her head lifted a little. “Starry Eyed, if the dragon is a little short on bits, you can bill me for the difference.”

The stallion cleared his throat. “Oh, it’s not a matter of payment Princess,” he assured the goddess. “But it’s just when Sir Spike brought his request to me and explained how the telescope would be made for Princess Twilight, I had to inform him that the crystals needed to craft lenses for a telescope befitting royalty were…out of stock.”

“So put it on backorder and ship it to Ponyville when you get more in to make one,” I deadpanned, solving the Great Equestrian Telescope Crises in record time with my genius. At the rate I was going, I would be able to open Twilight’s crystal puzzle box and get back to find out what was wrong with Dashie before lunch, then get this whole Celestia romance thing solved before dinner.

Of course the little lizard had to ruin my plans to bring eternal harmony to all of Equestria by opening his big fat mouth. “But there is a place where we can get some! Starry Eyed told me the best crystal for lenses are on the top of Crystal Mountain, and its not that far a flight from here!”

Which probably meant that it was where all the other crystals in Equestria came from before the Empire reappeared. Hell, the shiny things underneath Canterlot seemed pretty crystally too. A twenty minute walk would solve everything.

I frowned and looked at the unicorn craftsman. “What’s wrong with just having some shipped in from the Crystal Empire?”

Starry Eyed looked at me as if I just told him I enjoyed the taste of dog crap. “Imported crystal lenses?” he demanded in a disgusted tone. “Don’t insult me with such suggestions! I only craft lenses from domestic crystals grown right here in Equestria!”

The fact that I thought the Crystal Empire still counted as Equestria aside, there was still one other issue that came to mind that wouldn’t involve a lot of running around and digging for stupid rocks we could probably get tomorrow anyway. “Well Twilight’s birthday isn’t for some time, you can get some more crystals before then, right?”

“Sorry but no,” Starry Eyed the jackass unicorn said with a shake of his head as he continued to interrupt Celesta and Sunset’s family bonding time. “With Fall coming, the passes leading up the mountain will be covered by snow. The magic around Crystal Mountain makes its own weather. It snows for three seasons out of the year, and resists interference by pegasi. I’m afraid the next few days will be the only time anypony can retrieve the items.”

I groaned in annoyance.

“So we just gotta go up there today,” Spike cried in desperation while he looked around at us.

A turn of my head brought the three females in the room to my attention, and I realized that none of them would be able to get me out of this thing besides Celestia, who needed a day with her daughter full of a real bonding experience about as much as Sunset needed to be shown her magical skills could still be put to use vicariously. Which meant they wouldn’t be doing it, and I doubted Trixie was going to do anything for the dragon or Twilight, reformed or not.

So with a resigned sigh, I looked back to Spike and drooped my head. “Fine let’s go.” Stupid little kids and their damn jobs that sound easy in the beginning but just keep getting more tasks tacked on as soon as you thought you were finished. I mean, first all we had to do was get Twilight a birthday present. Then we had to ask Celestia here to get it. Then she had to send for Starry Eyed. Then he had to send us to some…exotic…location…

Oh God, I thought to myself as I was hit with an odd realization that was so strong I actually felt something…which just turned out to be Spike jumping on my back.

The realization?

I was stuck in a fucking quest chain.

And let the half assed fetch quest adventure continue, I told myself.

I had learned something interesting during my time in Equestria. Something that I was being reminded of as I had cut through the sky with a little kid screaming in my ear and digging his claws into my skin while I had to fight the instinctual changeling urge to turn back into my badass armored self and fry him in the process.

Adventuring SUCKED.

Not to burst anyone’s bubble, but yeah, going on adventures sucked.

Okay, there were good moments during an adventure. But those good moments weren’t thanks to the adventure. Those moments all came from the company the adventurers kept. Good company meant that others were there to share your joys, and the saying of misery loves company is quite true. Even the suckiest of times was better with friends. Especially when they didn't wear clothes.

But I wasn’t with my friends for the latest adventure I had set out on, I was with my purple pony princess lover’s pseudo-brother/servant-slave-pet-thing.

The whole of the adventure would have one good, enjoyable moment for me. It was when we reached the badly named Crystal Mountain, as only the top seemed to have anything crystal about it, and I had to walk up the thing thanks to all the bad weather around the peak. I turned to Spike to ask, “So Spike, something I’ve been wondering, I know you can speak Equestrian, you know, growing up with Twilight and all, but how did all those other dragons you met during the migration know it?” I mean seriously, Spike’s pony-speak was understandable, and I could buy things like Gilda and Iron Will knowing it too, but dragons didn’t seem the type to care if they could talk to something like ponies.

“Uh,” he said as we walked up the mountain path and gave me a look that just shouted ‘I THINK YOU’RE A FUCKING MORON, STUPID’ before he really spoke. “You do know Equestrian is the common language of everything around here, right?”

I frowned back at him, if just a little. “No, I’m an alien from an alternate universe, and changelings have their own language.”

And that was the end of our meaningful conversations. Spike went on about other things though. He talked about Equestrian comics, his rather small group of friends in Canterlot, the chores that Twilight’s parents had him do at his house. It was like listening to a preteen trying to brag about himself and sound impressive, which I suppose Spike was in a way. Growing up as Twilight’s lapdog hadn’t helped his maturity level.

I just listened, nodded, and told him humans did have comic books where I came from. Either he didn’t care about the disinterested tone, or didn’t pick up on it despite the fact Twilight tended to do the same thing when she was reading. Then there was the possibility he had just gotten so used to it, he didn’t know what it meant, or had never been able to figure it out.

That kind of made me pity him a little bit, actually. I had to wonder how many conversations the dragon had with Twilight that the alicorn just gave some autopilot responses to without actually paying attention.

We were almost to the summit of the mountain that had apparently been traveled so much there were trails that looked like they went all the way to the top when my imitation-pegasus hearing picked up on something.

Now, I’m not claiming to have some kind of super pony hearing, but horses can hear a lot more than a human could. The difference was something I had adjusted to by the time I took Flash’s place, so I wasn’t jumping at every little thing when I got to Ponyville, but…well, it’s nearly impossible to sneak up on me a pony unless you're on a carpet, in the air, or have magical shoes muffling your approach. I just noticed stuff better than most ponies, when I bothered to at least.

So when I heard scuttling coming from behind me underneath Spike telling me about something I really wasn’t paying attention to, I spun around with a glare to stare at what were probably the most out of place…things in all of Equestria.

Since I had been away from Pinkie long enough for the rational part of my mind to recover some amount of dominance over my brain instead of how it usually just cowered in some deep corner of my subconscious rather than face the pink party pony, I had to wonder what were three out of place statues just appeared on the path behind me were doing there. Statues that didn’t even look all that good either. It was as if they had been made, and then left out in some very harsh rain over several years to become as rough as the rocks found on the ground.

As for what form the out of place and badly worn statues took. They were…lobsters. Three of them to be precise. Giant lobsters that probably could have met Celestia eye to eye, so they towered over me by more than two feet. But that wasn’t the end of it of course. The three lobsters, one of a black coloration while another was kind of tan, and the third being an orange-hue, didn’t have the same kind of complexion of the type of things I was used to seeing crawling around in a fish tank, waiting to be selected as someone’s overpriced main course. No, as I said earlier, the creatures in front of me looked to be made of stone.

So…yeah…

They were…rock…lobsters.

Rock. Lobsters.

The sheer absurdity of the things and the fact that Spike was still on my back kept me from simply collapsing into a fit of laughter. So I just kind of stood there, holding my disbelief in my mouth. Which was why it was open.

“Hold it right there ya mooks!” the black lobster ordered. Which was weird. Really weird because…it didn’t really surprise me all that much. Apparently, I had lived in Equestria for so long that a creature whose entire species was apparently little more than a pun. It was just their initial appearance that threw me off.

Rock lobsters were weird.

Talking rock lobsters were just...meh.

While I continued to stand there, Spike shook on my back. “W-Who’re you?” the dragon’s voice stuttered out and…okay, I decided to give him a pass on being afraid of something about five times his size.

“What do we got here Iggy?” the tan one asked.

To which the black lobster replied, “Looks like a pair of dopes poking around where they shouldn’t be.”

And I just couldn’t stop myself at that. I mean, talking rock lobsters were a…manageable thing. A rock lobster villain named Iggy was just… “No,” I told them while holding up a hoof. “Just…no. I am not in the mood for this, just…go home, right now, and try something stupid with some other pony. Because I really don’t have time for you idiots.” I had an upset Dashie at home, a Sunset that didn’t see her own self-worth, some extremely tangled relationship issue with Celestia that threatened to blow up in my face, and here I was carrying a dragon on my back so he could get his big sister a birthday present that could easily be obtained through other means.

I did not need to add kooky animal/creature problems to the list. Even if I would just check them off five minutes later.

The lead monster, Iggy, clambered his way over to me to glare down at my little alicorn self and…I found myself glad I had to deal with towering giants like Sunset and Celestia on a daily and nightly basis. Next to an emotionally fragile teenager and a goddess, evil monsters that didn’t make my horn tingle in the slightest were nothing impressive. “You say something, little pony?”

As the dragon nervously shifted around on my back, I let out a sigh and spread my wings to show that I was supposed to be an alicorn. “Okay listen up,” I told them evenly. I didn’t put any anger into it. Maybe it was because I had Spike on my back and didn’t want to frighten him anymore than I already had, or maybe I did want these idiots to pick a fight with me so I had an excuse when someone found their corpses come Spring. Either way, I didn’t put much threat into my tone. “I have a distressed girl back at home that needs my love and attention, so get out of my way, or I will hurt you. Permanently.”

But of course, the stupid creature in front of me also had rocks for brains. “Oh yeah, well take this!” Iggy said before he swung his rather big and probably heavy claw around to try and smack me upside the head.

I never really found out if it really was heavy or not though. Thanks to the amount of anger, annoyance, and all those other bad thoughts that were telling me to hurt the three creatures in front of me very badly, I didn’t need the extra few seconds to dredge up enough dark emotions to use my magic. I simply wrapped the three lobsters in a very restrictive telekinetic field that may have caused their shells to crack from the pressure I was exerting because I didn’t need to worry about not hurting the douche bags, and threw them out my way.

Which also happened to be off the mountain, and by a good long ways at that. In fact, their fall wouldn’t be stopping until they hit an altitude approaching sea level.

“Um…did you just…throw them to their deaths?” Spike asked me in concern.

I hid most of my wince, mostly because that was in fact not what I had just did. “No,” I assured the dragon. “Didn’t you see my magic was still around them? The fall will hardly be fatal.” The amount of magic crushing down on them would turn the three lobsters to dust long before they hit the ground. “They could have landed on a pony or something after all, had to keep some poor pony passing by from being squashed, right?”

Spike apparently didn’t like that last part for some reason, and gulped. “Oh.”

We resumed our journey, and about five minutes later, I looked back to the dragon as he still seemed pretty uncomfortable in my presence. “So what’s wrong?” I asked in a sort of annoyed tone. After the lobsters, I was in no mood to play super nice with anything. “I thought you always wanted to go on adventures and stuff.” Which we kind of weren't. Sure, a guy who hadn't been in Equestria for a few months would call meeting magical monsters on a mountain with a crystal peak an adventure. But for someone who'd been in Equestria as long as me, it was a glorified milk run. I wasn't about to tell the kid that though. For him, it was an adventure.

“Well…sort of,” Spike replied hesitantly. “I mean…it is kind of a drag when Twilight leaves be behind, but then when I do go on adventures with her, I’m just the humdrum sidekick that she and the other girls leave behind or stick in a corner.”

At that moment I was reminded of something very important: I was alone, with the stupid dragon. I was the adult. The authority figure. The wise sage that was supposed to dispense wisdom life-altering advice.

Oh God how I wished Celestia had come with me. And not just so I could check out her ass for hours on end. Goddess or not, Tia had cursed me with liking pony booty, so I would watch her rump shake with every step whenever I got the chance. It was a fine balance of vengeance on Tia, and respect for Celestia. Look, but don't touch.

“Well Spike you’re…what? Thirteen?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he agreed.

I sighed and shook my head as I remembered just all the dangerous shit Spike had done on the show, not to mention all the things I heard about from the others that didn’t make it to television; the real violent stuff. “Okay Spike, let me tell you a secret that all that all adventurers learn the day they become the a-word.”

The dragon perked up, and I prepared to crush his spirit with an even tone. “There’s no such thing as an adventure.”

For a second I was afraid the dragon was going to fall off me, but he recovered quickly enough, and then shouted into my ear. “WHAT?”

I winced, and then looked back to glare the kid into silence while the ringing died down. “At least not in the way you think. Whenever someone thinks of an adventure, they think its this big, exciting experience,” I went on. “But that’s the outsiders perspective. That what foals think when Rainbow Dash tells them about all the stuff she’s done. But when you’re on the adventure, you’re scared out of your mind, want nothing more than to go home, and you’re constantly worrying about if you’ll ever see your family again. It’s a terrifyingly miserable experience that just plain bucks, and the only reason any pony bothers to do it is because they have to, or they’re delusional.” Which I had to admit, Dash kind of was.

“Oh,” Spike replied in a solemn tone. “Well…those lobsters were kind of scary.”

The kid was thankfully silent for a few more minutes as we went on. But of course, it didn’t last. “So why does Twilight do it?”

That one was at least easy to answer. “So other ponies don’t have to,” I told him before adding, “and to protect Equestria. Although if you want a more specific answer, I’d have to say she does it for her friends, family, and you. She does it to keep you safe.” Which kind of conflicted with the time he nearly fell to his death in the Crystal Empire, but… “I mean, when you were sent to the Crystal Empire, Twilight didn’t know she was going to be in danger, she was there to do research and cast a spell, and she followed you when you went on the dragon migration, and left you at home nearly every other time there was something dangerous to do. You may think Twilight's leaving you out of the action Spike, but the fact is, she’s trying to be the responsible adult and keep you safe because you're still just a...youngling. I can guarantee you she wasn’t running around fighting monsters when she was your age.I mean, can you imagine how worried she'd be if you have to go fight monsters all the time?”

Spike winced. “So uh…we probably shouldn’t mention the lobsters and stick to telling her how nice the scenery was when she asks us about what happens?”

“Good idea,” I agreed before a glint appeared in the corner of my eye, and I found that we had reached the snow covered summit of Crystal Mountain, the one place in the entire mountain where the name actually fit. Everything else had been your basic rocky, little bit of grass, boring dirt. But the top of the mountain had crystals. And snow. Crystals growing out of the snow.

Magical crystals that were making my horn hum just a little bit and my wings twitch. It was a very familiar feeling, as I had felt it before in the Crystal Empire. The top of the mountain was awash in weather magic, Crystal Spire weather magic. It wasn’t as strong as the stuff that worked in conjunction with the Crystal Heart, but…it was definitely the same kind of stuff that kept the CE in Spring all year round.

Which made me stop and wonder just what the hell was powering the damn thing.

Apparently Spike took my stopping in confusion as his cue to get off of me, and he ran forward while giggling, melting snow with his fire and examining the crystals before moving on out of my sight.

I just stood there, actually a little glad that the dragon had melted some of the snow so I could take a close look at the crystals. Not that I really understood half of what I was looking at. Which made me want to start ordering changelings to go to magical theory classes at Tia’s school and just sit in the corner, memorizing the lectures for later perusal and learning.

What I was able to guess was that the crystals on top of the mountain weren’t natural. I suppose the Crystal Empire could have gotten their idea for weather management from Crystal Mountain, but it just didn’t seem to fit with everything else I knew. The CE was the place to go for magic crystals. They mined so much of the stuff there they built a society around it. A gigantic deposit like the one in front of me when there was jack shit of the stuff in the surrounding area just screamed WRONG at me.

Then logic dictated if the crystal peak wasn’t natural, then it had a purpose. At least more so than the natural nature stuff that was micromanaged by ponies. And the non-crystal ponies had been chipping away at the God damned thing for years.

With that little realization the little sense I had developed since coming to Equestria that told me that it was time to get the fuck out of Dodge. If Twilight wanted some new telescope lenses, then she could have some of the stuff shipped in from the Crystal Empire and arrest Starry Eyed for treason if he refused to make her a telescope using imported crystals that were apparently the same fucking kind we were harvesting from God knows what. I wasn’t about to start dicking with a artificial magical construct that had magic running through it.

I took in a breath to call out to Spike…

“Hey Fae, I got a big enough crystal to make both lenses for a telescope!” the dragon said as he ran up to me with a hunk of transparent rock as big as his head with some bite marks where he had obviously chewed it off of a larger deposit. “It was part of this really big rainbow-colored crystal right in the center of the-whoa!”

…and stopped when I felt the ground begin to shake.

The weather spire magic around me sputtered for a few seconds before dying completely, and I groaned while the gravity of the situation pulled me down into a slump. Fucking Equestria, let’s screw the bug over bullshit. It was bad enough that it tried to drown my Dashie when she poked a dam, but if I had to deal with an exploding mountain because Spike chipped off a sliver of crystal, I was going to find out if Fausticorn really was out there somewhere, and kick her ass. Someone had to be responsible for all this destiny shit and crappy contrivances, and I blamed her!

“What’s going on?” Spike cried out in terror.

To answer the kid’s question, some of the crystal in front of us cracked, and a geyser of lava shot into the air.

“So, its an active volcano,” I grumbled.

With that, I snatched up Spike in my magic, planted him on my back, and teleported the hell out of there before the toxic gasses and heat could kill me. A second later I reappeared in the sky several yards above the mountain’s top, and about half a mile closer to Canterlot.

As the tiny cracks in the crystal that were shooting out geysers of molten rock became a full-on eruption that sounded akin to a giant beast roaring in triumph, I picked up a wave of black magic coming from the epicenter of the explosion. Then, I watched as the lava flowing down the mountain just lurched upwards. The half-mile-long streams of melted rock formed crude arms and hands that reached towards the top of the volcano as more and more of the eruption just piled up on itself to make an upper torso of a monster that seemed to be just a giant mass of burning goo with its crudely droopy face in the upper part of its chest.

At that point, my basic knowledge of Equestrian geography kicked in, and I looked back at Canterlot that was just visible on the horizon, then to the Crystal Mountain to the North. And if I kept flying North, there was no doubt in my mind that I’d hit the Crystal Empire capital city, dead center. If I had to guess, the top of the Crystal Mountain was a fucking demon cage that I bet the princesses used to lock the lava monster up before he got to their capital city back when Sombra was still around.

"FINALLY!"

The giant lava demon that had just formed reached up into the sky with his arms.

"AFTER ONE THOUSAND YEARS, I’M FREE!"

Figures, I thought to myself.

"IT’S TIME TO CONQUER EQUESTRIA!"

Even with the demon’s voice reverberating in my ears even after he stopped talking, I could still hear Spike speak to me. “So uh…this is another one of those things we probably shouldn’t tell Twilight about, right?”