I started off the day by murdering Twilight Sparkle.

It was a quick, cold and ruthless action, done so fast she didn’t even see it coming. I drained her of love so completely that she couldn’t go on living even for another second. Then I threw the empty husk that had held her away, and felt a level of power I hadn’t held in ages flow through me. It was a great deal less than I really expected but…draining that alicorn dry still gave me more juice I had held in some time.

In all honesty, I kind of had to wonder why I didn’t do it sooner. I had just let her sit around, not doing anything with her for so long that I just kind of forgot she was there.

Okay, I kind of knew why. For some weird, sick reason…I hadn’t wanted to hurt her. But…she was food, good food that tasted better than most, but still food all the same. So I drank her so dry she just died from the loss of magic like a good little prey animal.

Then I went onto the next alicorn…and the next, and then the final one. They all died the same way, one after the other. By the time I was done, I felt like some kind of god that could swat the sun from the sky and…considering the tiny bit of Tia’s essence that was inside of me, that might actually have been possible.

“I can’t believe you drained all four of them, why did you have eat all four?” the mare beside the human at the entrance to my fridge asked.

Sunset was rather silent on the matter. Hell, she wasn’t even looking in my general direction. She just stood back near the door to the storage room wither her arms crossed. I think murdering four alicorns either creeped her out, or made her jealous that she wasn’t the one doing it.

I threw the cocoon that had held the last Twilight Sparkle mirror clone and turned to the original before letting out a long breath. Mirror clones didn’t have the same amount of power as a real alicorn, but they still stood head and shoulders above your average pony. After four of them, I felt like I could level half Equestria and take Celestia’s lunch money.

Or completely decimate a city in the middle of nowhere and tear a stupid goat that fucked with Celestia limb from limb. That whole incident still pissed me off more than anything since…well, maybe since I got to Equestria.

Okay, there was that one time when I thought Rainbow Dash had died, but we found her alive and well before I had time to get major pissed off angry, so it didn’t really count.

“Because I wanted actually feel full for once in a long time and…we still have a full day of work ahead of us so I couldn’t snack off my PPPPFFF,” I told Twilight before looking over to the human. “Hey Sunset, you okay?”

Sunset jumped as if I had shocked her and looked at me. “What?”

Before I could get into it with the human, the alicorn jumped in. “I’m pretty sure the three Fs are fillyfriend forever, but…what’re the four Ps?” Twilight half-answered Sunset and half-asked me.

“Purple pretty plugh,” I sighed as I flubbed the tongue twister by going too fast, then shamed myself by having to slow down and do it over again to get things right. “Purple pretty pony princess.” It didn’t sound nearly as cool as it should have as slow as I had to say it. Plus I kind of grumbled it. “Or wait…I suppose Pretty purple pony princess sounds better.”

Twilight blushed at the whole thing, and Sunset groaned before facepalming. “Oh Celestia,” she mumbled before looking at me with a frown. “And what is up with the full alicorn transformation…and the blank flank, and why the hell are you dragging me to town anyway?”

I evaporated the former food containers with my magic, and headed out while motioning for Sunset and Twilight to follow. “Because we need to order things for your room,” I began while thinking of that empty stone box that Sunset had to sleep in last night with revulsion. A trio of old pony mattresses on the floor had given her something to lay on, but other than that, it was bare.

My pause gave Twilight an opening to cut in with her checklist that she had made while we were still in the bathroom cleaning up. “We also need to have Rarity measure you for some human clothes, set up delivery of a rain cloud shower system since the castle doesn’t have running water, visit Bedrooms Bathrooms and Bookshelves to get your um…well I suppose you could use a princess-sized bed but…real bathroom fixtures may be a problem.” While we had the same kind of sinks… Pony toilets were not made for humans, and were just another reason I was glad I didn’t have to go through that process anymore. “We might be able to get some kind of custom work done.”

“I don’t see why you need me to help you with that. I‘d rather just stay here for now,” Sunset grumbled before she slowed a bit and I looked back in concern.

“You okay?”

I knew the answer to my own question, but sometimes asking troubled kids let them knew you cared. Sunset gulped and nodded before looking away. “Y-Yes.”

My heart really did go out to the girl. It wasn’t just the fact she was practically crippled. It was also the failed expectation of coming home and finding out she was trapped as a human. The phrase 'getting your hopes up' didn’t even seem to do it justice. It was like a kid in a wheelchair getting told he was going to walk again, only to go into an operation that put his life in danger and came out with no improvements in his condition.

Then there was the fact she was now an outsider in her own homeland. I’m sure Earthquestria was bad enough, but at least there she could blend in on the surface. Now that she was in pony land and still had five fingers… It was no wonder I was seeing the signs of a real long-term depression kicking in.

I Smelled a spike of jealousy from Twilight, and looked back over to her in confusion for a second. “Something wrong Twi?”

The alicorn just sighed and shook her head. “No, I’m fine,” Twilight said in a low tone. Even without my empathy, I could have told she was lying. “Um, what about holding court? You’ve been gone so long, cases have probably built up.”

That little reminder got a groan and roll of my eyes. As Twilight’s regent, it was my job to handle a lot of the more boring activities of a princess because…well, she just didn’t want to. Sure, telling other ponies what to do kind of disturbed her and all, but seeing as how the biggest legal problem Ponyville had under normal circumstances was littering and Filthy Rich bitching about something, I didn’t really see why she was so against taking up her royal duties.

Hell, she had apparently ran Equestria for a few days while Tia had been failing miserably to get me out of my funk, so a small town didn’t seem that big a deal.

Except for the fact that she knew everyone in Ponyville and had that whole personal connection thing going on. Doing Tia’s job just had her bossing a bunch of strangers around, so…I guess I could kind of see why Twilight didn’t want to put herself above the other ponies she lived with. Her ‘I AM NOT A GOD’ syndrome ran deep. The only time she put on her full mantle of power and authority was when someone messed with her friends, and idiots like that were usually crushed under her hoof so fast that ponies could blink and miss the local librarian wielding enough magic to level a city block or two.

“Um,” Sunset spoke up, making me look back up to her. “When are the two of you going to get to work on turning me back into a unicorn?”

I felt another bit of irritation from Twilight, and glanced over to her for a second while she answered. “I’ll be examining you today at one while Fae’s in Canterlot looking for the designs for that mirror she used to get you,” the alicorn said in a normal voice. “We’ll also be sending a letter to Princess Cadence so she can bring the other mirror down here and we can study its magic directly.”

With Twilight done, I quickly added my two cents. “In the meantime, we’ll be trying to find you some work.”

“W-Work?” Sunset stuttered, speaking without the whole gloomy tone for the first time since she came to Equestria. “What do you mean work? How can I even-”

“Ponyville’s schoolhouse only has one teacher, and she’s kind of overworked,” I told her before she could mount a proper argument. “I also know the mayor needs help with her organization. She could take you on as a secretary. Um…if you know how to bake, or at least follow instructions, Pinkie could probably use some help at Sugarcube Corner and…well, she is kind of a familiar face.” I ended with that one because I hoped she’d take it. Although Cheerilee would probably be just as good for Sunset in the long run as someone to talk to, she wasn’t as cheery as Pinkie; and I needed a quick fix since we were going to solve Sunny’s problem soon enough.

As for why I wanted to get Sunset out and about, like I said earlier, the signs of depression were pretty damn evident. Letting her wallow in the Fortress of Solitude was the worst thing she could do. At the very least, having her do something would keep her mind occupied, and Pinkie would actively be trying to cheer her up.

So after leaving my personal fridge, which was pretty much an old repurposed servant’s quarters, the three of us headed out of the castle and into the Everfree. Being with the human meant the five minute flight quickly became a half an hour walk where Twi and I had to make sure a manticore didn’t manage to sneak up on us. Just because my changelings owned the Ponyville side of the forest didn’t mean that I something didn’t wander in from time to time.

“Ugh, why in the hell did Celestia and Luna build their castle out in the middle of nowhere like this anyway?” she grumbled.

While I was kind of wondering that myself, Twilight actually had an answer. “Well, after the pony tribes made Princess Celestia and Luna their leaders, the Sisters toured the nation and everypony wanted them to live at the specific tribe’s capital city but they opted to build their own palace in the Everfree instead because it was away from everypony else.”

I stopped, frowned, and turned to look at my girlfriend. “Wait a second, are you saying the Everfree was here before the castle?”

“Yes?” Twilight replied, somewhat confused.

“Tia and Loony chose to build their castle in the middle of the most dangerous place in Equestria?”

Twilight frowned at me and her irritation spiked. “I don’t think Princess Luna would like that name Fairy.”

Oh if one of her first official decisions was to build something in the middle of the Everfree, best princess pony was Loony Lulu the Lunatic as far as I was concerned. Don’t get me wrong, I still loved her to death but…that was like…American President level of stupidity. You couldn’t get worse than that.

Okay, I might have been a little too hard on the girls. I mean…the Tree had kind of mellowed me out. Maybe it was the same way with the forest. Maybe only after the Sister’s had picked the fruit of harmony from their tree did the Everfree turn into Hell on pony planet.

“Huh, so…the Everfree wasn’t always like this?” Sunset Shimmer asked while looking around at the trees, the sky and everything else.

Twilight shook her head. “No, it’s always had chaotic weather, and manticores, and I read one passage in their old journal that said Luna ran into a tribe of zebras that used to live here as well,” she replied before looking up to the sky with a thoughtful face. “Hmmm, I wonder of Zecora is a descendant of theirs, or if there’s been zebras coming to the Everfree for over a thousand years to practice herbalism?”

And thus, my hopes that Tia would have at least proved halfway intelligent in her youth quickly died. I mean, just what kind of leader decides to live out in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by monsters in a creepy castle that’s full of evil mystical artifacts where no one can get to her to address their problems, where the nearest town is over half an hour away or more on foot?

So, with Sunset’s curiosity sated, and me apparently getting on Twilight’s nerves by pointing out her fellow goddesses were…well…morons in their youth, the rest of the trip to town was a quiet affair.

You know you’ve been a guy in Ponyville too long when seeing Carousel Boutique doesn’t make you want to gag. Screw Twilight’s sexual advances eroding my manhood with her offers to do it as a chick. While I had girl parts and their detrimental effect on my self image, sex was sex no matter how I got it. But having to come into Rarity’s place of business for a few weeks as an apology for my alicorn amulet rampage to double as a measuring dummy for her more squeamish clients to show Rares I really wasn’t out to eat her soul or anything…that’s what killed my masculinity.

As for what I thought of it after weeks and weeks of exposure?

Well, the heliotrope and lilac walls matched perfectly with the plum drapes that managed to let in just enough light to make sure the seashell (the color) floor didn’t clash with the wisteria staircase in the back. Only the most garish of ponies used those awful colors of purple, pink, or Celestia forbid…white!

So…yeah…in my defense, I think changelings are very susceptible to social osmosis…or…something. Plus, all that other stuff about harmonic magic and junk I was living on top of.

We came into the boutique about five minutes after it opened and Rarity called out her usual greeting before coming out to see it was me and Twilight with the strange alien creature dressed in tacky clothes. The unicorn froze and stared for a minute, then she looked over to me and the alicorn. “Darling, is that a…human?”

It kind of threw me for a loop that the unicorn had actually recognized Sunset’s species, but I guess it would make sense that Rarity would have been interested in a dimension where the inhabitants wore clothes all the time. She asked me about it a few times, but I kind of said fashion wasn’t my thing and gave her the bare minimum. I might have mentioned how humans looked, or was it Twilight?

I couldn't really recall.

Sunset looked to be about equally shocked. Of course some banter between me, Twi and Dash had already tipped Sunset off that all the girls she knew back on Earthquestria had pony counterparts, but it was probably one thing to hear about them, and another to see them in person.

Hell, I kind of froze up when I saw human Rainbow the first time too.

“Rarity, Sunset Shimmer,” Twilight said as she handed out introductions with a wave of her hoof. “Sunset Shimmer, Rarity.”

The unicorn gave Sunset a weighing look for a moment, and the girl tensed under the scrutiny. “Darling, wasn’t Sunset Shimmer the unicorn that…”

I nodded. “Yes it’s that Sunset Shimmer. Me and Celestia ran into her when we kind of ended up going through to another dimension,” I explained. “The way back didn’t undo the transformation magic so she’s going to be staying with me until we can figure out how to fix her.”

“Ah I see,” Rarity replied before she looked back at Sunset and nodded. “A pleasure. Now, is there something I could do for you all? If you’re here to invite me to breakfast, I’m afraid I’ve already eaten.”

Twilight shook her head. “No Rarity. We’re here for Sunset. Um…humans always wear clothes all the time, Remember? She needs a few outfits to get her through the week,” the alicorn explained before I smelled her irritation spike once again. “Princess Celestia told me to charge everything to a royal account so expense isn’t a problem just…um…don’t go too overboard. These are supposed to be everyday things.”

The mention of food got a growl from Sunset’s stomach, and she looked over to Twilight with a frown. “Hey, why didn’t we go get breakfast first?”

I beat Twilight to the punch when it came time to answer. “Because your teenage body needs more than cupcakes. We’ll get some real food into you as soon as the market opens.” If Celestia wanted me looking after the girl, I was going to do it right.

“Well now that we've got that settled, could you take off your clothes?” Rarity asked the girl. “They don’t look that much different from what I’m used to making. Although I’m afraid to say that this is going to take some time to make sure I get everything right.”

“How much time?” I asked while giving the unicorn a dubious look. Sure Rarity could do rush jobs and still manage to make some pretty great dresses, but she was working with a new species as far as ponies were concerned.

Rarity walked around Sunset, eyeing her whole body with a discerning gaze. “After I’m done measuring here…I think…two days of work will allow me to make a proper outfit,” she said before checking out Sunset’s ass.

Okay, I think she was looking at the jeans the girl had on, and it was probably just a coincidence the unicorn was eye level with Sunset’s butt. At least I hoped that was it was…or Rarity was doing the pony equivalent of checking out Sunset’s tits.

It could have just been the local hottie checking out the newcomer, but that was pretty doubtful. Rarity’s figure made her one of the most desirable ponies in town since she kept herself at a constant sexy level of fitness and had a dark purple mane that screamed seductress. If it wasn’t for her social climber desires and the fact male ponies understood the word no, that mare would have had stallions lined up all along the block just waiting for a chance to be with her.

Plus you know...human VS pony wasn’t even a competition in the looks department, what with them being different species and all.

“It may take longer if you want some denim,” she added after a moment. “I’d have to special order the material all the way from Manehattan.”

“Um…a normal skirt dress is fine,” the human said before she looked back at the unicorn with a nervous expression. “Although…I am going to need some underwear.”

And so my spider senses began to tingle…

“What’s an under…garment?” Rarity asked, hesitantly combing the unlike words to form a new one in pony. Of course since I spoke English, Sunset’s magical belt didn’t translate things when it came to me. Although…it did make me wonder why I heard Jackass speak in Equestrian instead of English before we jacked his universal translator. Maybe it has to do with a person’s expectations.

Twilight let out a groan and facehooved. “Oh right…those things,” she grumbled before looking over to Rarity. “Trust me, she’s better off without them.”

“Oh no! Not when she’s living under my roof she ain’t!” I said before stepping forward.

As the alicorn turned to face me with a frown, I didn’t need to use my sense of Smell to know she was perturbed. The expression said plenty. “Are you kidding me? The first time I had to go to the bathroom in that school, I put the ones that go around the waist back on and they…it was like they crawled up inside me or something! And don’t get me started on the…whatever those things were that went on my barrel! Teat bags or something!”

“Considering those A-cups you were sporting, I didn’t see why you even needed a bra,” Sunset added before the conversation actually managed to go downhill from there and…trust me, the less said about it the better.

In fact, by the time everything was said and done, I was considering accessing Chrysalis stored knowledge in the hive to see if there was a way for me to wipe my knowledge of Rarity’s education in human underwear, the differences between pony/human bathrooms, and the ponies who used them. There were just some things bronies weren’t meant to know.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only disappointment we had that day. Hell, if there really was someone turning this thing into some weird episode of MLP, the montage would have began right after the left Rarity’s and headed to Sugarcube Corner…

“Sorry girls,” Pinkie announced from behind the counter as she handed the human and the alicorn their breakfast that I relented on letting Sunset get if she would just stop lecturing about the importance of panties to Rarity and Twilight.

Subject matter aside, which was bad enough…the fact she sounded just like Twilight whenever she was explaining things…Super Creepy.

“I’d love to help Sunny, but the Cakes don’t really need anypony else to work for them right now and…” she glanced over to the human for a moment, then looked back to me. “And I may like Sunny tons but…you know how ponies are around new non-ponies… Sorry Sunny.”

Surprisingly enough, I actually thought I saw the girl’s eyes widen for a fraction of a second and she gave the party pony a small smile. “Um…thanks…Pinkie Pie,” she replied as her melancholy returned and she crossed her arms in front of her stomach again.

For my part, I let out a groan as Twilight floated their breakfast over to a nearby table. “Right, I forgot how every pony in this town is about strangers,” I grumbled before taking a seat on the floor hard enough to feel it in my bones.

As they ate their breakfast and I just sat there wondering if Pinkie really was good a baker as the fandom seemed to think she was…I noticed Sunset looking at me out of the corner of her eye. “Something wrong?”

After she gulped down a circular mound of future diabetes, the girl gave me an odd look. “Okay, I’ve been wondering this for awhile and…now I’ve got to know,” she began. “What’s with the accent?”

Twilight let out a dejected moan. “Oh Celestia,” she mumbled before looking over to the girl. “Sunset, please just drop it. I tried asking her about it once and-”

“What accent?” I asked in confusion. I didn’t have an accent. One of the whole changeling infiltration things was being able to mimic our prey perfectly.

Instead of Sunset continuation the conversation, Twilight shot me a look, and I felt her irritation grow. “Fae, say…everypony needs somepony so much sometimes they’ll take anypony they can.”

I shrugged and repeated her word for word. “Every pony needs some pony so much sometimes they’ll take any pony they can.”

“What’s weird is she didn’t start this until after that whole Flash Sentry thing,” the alicorn princess went on. “But when it comes to making her correct anything… It’s like beating your head against the wall.”

Sunset’s frown deepened. “There’s a Flash Sentry here too?” she asked cautiously.

“Not anymore,” Twilight grumbled as her irritation shot up several notches and I gulped on the inside. From the looks of things…my pretty pony princess didn’t like being reminded of the long hiatus of being fucked by a stallion and I made a mental note to feed on her as much as possible come time for bed so she wouldn’t be feeling the lack of my male anatomy.

The human gave the two of us a cautious look. “What happened?”

I growled as memories of Brad came to the forefront of my mind and mixed with the fact that my best times with Twilight had been as…him. “He got in my way.”

Sunset gulped.

Twilight rolled her eyes.

And they quickly finished breakfast before we moved onto the next disappointment…

“Sorry, but I don’t have any princess-sized beds in stock,” the clerk across the counter told us.

And the next…

“We don’t carry desks that tall Princess,” the stallion told me specifically (as in not Twilight) before I let out a sigh to release my annoyance at the mistaken title and thanked him for his time before leaving. And of course, I caught him checking out my ass on the way out of the store.

“Eyes up here, not on the rear!”

I mean seriously, for a society where women were supposed to rule everything, the men could be such pigs…

But after failing to gain proper clothes, employment, bedding, or even basic furnishings for the displaced girl…which was putting me in more and more of a bad mood every second, we did manage to find one little ray of sunshine…

“Sure. I could use an assistant to help me with things around here.”

I stared at the wingless mulberry pony in front of me for a second…blinked, and then grabbed onto Cheerilee so I could hug her with all the strength I had. Even got the usual “Gak!” that accompanied bone-crushing embraces before she spoke.

“Hehe, okay um…thank you for the hug?”

A second later, I dislodged myself from Cheerilee and let out an embarrassed cough. I had to admit, I had probably become one of the earth pony’s bigger fans once I had meet her in pony. She was always cheerful, patient, and…well, she knew how to have a good time in the right atmosphere.

Oh, and her plot was a nice mix of padding and shape, while her tail was perfectly poofy in every possible way. The whole thing definitely gave her a look that would have had any older colts needing to go to the bathroom for non-waste related needs whenever she turned her back.

Not that I was sexually attracted to the ponies or anything of course. I was just making a…scientific observation. I did it all the time since I hung out around Twilight.

Okay…so…

With something for Sunset to do in Ponyville until Twi and I fixed her humanity problem found, things started looking up for us. Sunset still seemed pretty dour, but I think she was starting to show signs of life when she was promised a chance to show off her intelligence by helping Ms. Cheerilee pretty much run the local school.

It really came down to being just one of those pony things. Humans might be able to sit on their asses all day in front of a glowing screen, but ponies had to do something. Since Sunset didn’t have a tramp stamp on her thighs (which I leaned after Rarity screamed in horror and went on about her lack of a cutie mark, I didn’t check her out when she was naked in the dress shop) I thought it had to be something ingrained in their society that just two to three years hanging out with a bunch of lazy kids couldn’t chip away.

The shopping went fine enough once the stands opened and I managed to procure enough food to keep the girl fed and a magical preservation box that was the rural pony equivalent of a fridge. It didn’t keep things cold, but did slow down the spoiling of food at pretty much the same rate without the need for electricity.

However, I was still in a pretty crappy mood. I mean hell, the poor girl had her hopes of finally getting her spell casting back completely trashed. And yeah I knew I was giving Sunny a little insta-forgiveness but you know what? I almost destroyed Equestria too, and came a LOT closer than she did while not under the effects of evil bitch transformation magic.

Plus, she was a teenager at the time. A teenager that was probably close to thirty years old, but a teenager none the less. Teenagers are stupid.

And moody.

And the girls could get super emotional in a bad way when things were going against them, so no matter what I did to Sunset, it wouldn’t be half as bad as what she was already doing to herself.

So by the time we got home without a bed fit for humans, no dresser that wouldn’t give a human back problems later on in life because of all the bending over, no clothes whatsoever, no bathroom, and no…okay, we forgot to put drapes on the list of things to get Sunset, but she needed some! Look, the point was we didn’t have anything a teenage girl should have had, even in the way of basic ‘need these to live’ necessities, much less something that would actually make her a little comfortable!

And to top that off, Twilight was upset about something. Not the sad upset, the semi-angry-but-more-kind-of-annoyed upset that women get sometimes for no reason whatsoever. Oh they say they have a reason, but since it can be something as simple as a guy leading with his left foot while going upstairs, I tend to discount them. And considering what was going on…it was a pretty good bet that Twilight was annoyed at me for some reason that my mostly male mind (like 99.9999999999999%) couldn’t comprehend.

But as I had an adult pony and a teenage human to contend with…I kind of focused on the teenage human’s problem. She didn’t have anything to call her own and what she had slept on were two millennia old pony mattresses that hadn’t turned to dust over the centuries that my castle had stood abandoned.

Yeah...ponies built stuff to last.

And Twilight might have used to magic to clean them up a bit.

“So…now what?” Sunset asked as we got back onto my castles grounds. “I can’t keep having you guys cleanse my clothes every morning for the next three days.”

My nod of agreement was cut short by a shiver as I pictured having to do that with her underwear every morning. I cleared my throat. “Uh, considering Rarity does almost nothing but custom work…it’s probably going to be considerably longer than that.” On top of which, she wouldn’t take a ‘special’ gratuity in order to bump my orders up the list.

And having another seamstress do the work might actually hurt her feelings.

God did I hate friendship sometimes.

Sunset let out a low moan, and I actually smelled some sympathy coming from Twilight…which cemented the fact that she was pissed at me in my mind. Not to mention identified the problem for me. The alicorn thought I would be a bad caretaker for Sunset and…

Oh dear God please don’t tell me this is some kind of ‘let’s have a baby test’ from her, I mentally prayed. Hell, I was pretty sure Sunset was still older than Twilight. Not to mention alicorns were supposed to be sterile or something.

Although adoption killed that ray of hope so…

Crap, this is some kind of baby test, I thought to myself before quickly switching mental gears.

It was a little early to be planning for kids when we were still dating, but Twilight was…

A) TWILIGHT!

B) Female.

So I wouldn’t have been surprised if she already had the restaurant booked for where the proposal was supposed to take place, her wedding dress picked, the date of the wedding set, our two-point-five children already named, and our retirement all set. It was kind of creepy but…also a little sweet that she could actually see a future for us at the same time.

“Well if the usual methods won’t work,” I began. “We’ll just have to cheat and use magic. Twilight, can’t you just conjure some new things for Sunset to wear?”

The question didn’t seem to go over very well with the alicorn. She rolled her eyes and groaned. “Magic isn’t cheating Fae. And did you forget the laws of conjuration? Matter created by magic only exists as long as there is a source of power to anchor it to the world. Anything I make will just disappear in an hour or two.”

I frowned as one of my previous experiences told me otherwise. “But there’s a book in the vault that allows for infinite…conjuration,” I mumbled at the end. Engrained humanness made me raise a hoof, but I couldn’t snap any fingers, so I quickly put it back down in a stomp of triumph. “That’s it! I’ll just use-”

“WHAT?” Twilight shouted. “Are you crazy? I’ve seen that tome! That’s dark magic!”

Next to her, I caught sight of Sunset looking over at me, a little nervous at the mention of the DM words.

The irrational fear made me roll my eyes before I looked over to her. “Twilight sweetheart, I hate to burst your bubble, but I run on dark magic!” I exclaimed. “I suck pony love, use mind control, and focus negative emotions like my desire to cause pain and death as the basis for my spells. Hay, even my telekinesis is more of a demand than that gentle nudge you do.”

Twilight frowned at me. “Do you even remember the last time you messed with dark magic?”

I rolled my eyes. “I saved Equestria, kept our friends from getting in over their heads, told Tia what for and finally kissed Rainbow Dash. Not really seeing any bad there.”

A second later the emotional scent I was getting from Twilight became a sweet fear, mixed with irritation and some kind of deeper anger, telling me I probably shouldn’t have laid it out for her like that. She physically gulped her emotions down, and took in a breath.

But that also let me beat her to the bunch. “It’ll be fine Twi,” I assured her before she could start with the lecture I knew was coming. I summoned up my magic and the world disappeared in a flash of green light…

…to become a big room filled with all odds and ends of mystical goodies.

Of course being the intelligent creature that I was, there were no gold or jewels in my sub-basement vault for all things dark and magical. I wasn’t stupid enough to put all my eggs in one basket so when the inevitable two-bit thief showed up looking for my money and precious gems that I was just giving away to Spike and Rarity anyway, he wouldn’t accidentally pick up the magical goddess-slaying sword Sizematar and be able to take over the world.

No, I just kept the dangerous stuff down in my special vault like some ring Daring Do fought Alizotal for (Dash wanted a souvenir), Tia and Luna’s old diary (which I had held off on reading), the pieces of the Alicorn Amulet (for obvious reasons), Sombra’s Big Book of Demonic Summoning Rituals, Starswirl’s book (with his cutie mark screw job spell), about half a dozen different thingamajigs promising mind control powers, a dozen more weapons of untold power, a tiara that made ponies fall in love with the wearer, the Wendigo Crown, and the Tome of Infinite Conjuration and Transmutation.

I took the last item on the list and opened the stone tablet of a book to its single page and began reading its activation phrase. “From in the head to out in the world, every thought to action, hold close this book and through its spell you’ll start a chain reaction. Projecting forth whatever beauty you see only when true words are spoken, will you finally be set free.”

I felt my horn tingle as the mystical energies of the book filled me, and felt the tingle in the back of my mind that said ‘I’M FUCKING WITH YOUR PERSONALITY BITCH!’ before I kicked it in the balls and told it to Shut The Fuck Up and that I was a God damned changeling. WE were the things that made others into our little puppets, not the other way around!

Of course there was a teleporting magical pop that came from outside the room right after I finished, and a second later the doors opened up to admit Twilight and Sunset. Although all the Elements and Princess had the run of the place on my orders, I was the only one that had the magical defense skeleton key.

“Fairy no! Please tell me you didn’t-”

“Twilight I’m fine,” I assured her before looking the girl over a bit wondered why my little princess never got to wear any of the regalia befitting her station. Tia and Loony got awesome clothes, but not her. Well, except for that whole coronation thing, I told myself. So she did have them, but decided to go nude.

Not that I was complaining. Twilight was just too cute for words. She didn’t have the ass of an earth pony, but her wings were so nice and big that I wanted to feel them wrapped around me all night, and that long horn had me wondering why we hadn’t tried a little experimentation in bed.

Sunset steppe forward. “Listen, uh...Princess Omnifarious-”

“Not a princess,” I reminded her evenly before letting out a sigh.

“I’ve done the whole dark magic thing,” she kept going she said after a flinch at my voice. “You saw it…sort of. I know it feels good, and makes you feel invincible…but remember what I did? I went from not even being able to harm a pet to trying to kill somebody! Just…let it go.”

Twilight let out a groan. “Spike’s not my pet.”

“Not helping Twilight!” the human snapped at her.

I groaned and rolled my eyes at their lack of faith in my abilities to hold off a little megalomania. “Sunset I’m fine. If I were evil, I would have blown you to dust for snapping at Twi, and probably turned her into my love slave already.”

Twilight’s head swiveled over to look at me in a snap. “Bwa?”

“The only reason you girls don’t even like this stupid book is because it looks all necro-mon-e-con-ish,” I told her before focusing my newfound magic to transmute the mystical object into a more fitting shape while reaching under its surface to fiddle with the activation phases programming.

When I was done, Sunset raised an eyebrow at my choice. “Really?”

I rolled my eyes. Living in a world that would never get any reference jokes was hell sometimes. So yes, even Equestria had a few downsides…apart from the life threatening dangers and seasonal apocalyptic threats I mean.

“Look, I know your kind doesn’t appreciate good humor-”

“Humor nothing, that movie sucked,” Sunset interrupted with a frown.

I froze.

My brain came to a complete stop.

My mouth dropped open.

And I looked up to the salvation of my funny bone. “You…understand this reference?” I asked while pointing towards my power battery.

Sunset frowned at me. Behind her, Twilight’s worry and irritation slowly increased. “Uh…yeah,” the girl replied.

It took all my willpower not to hug that little girl right then and there. But I did come to a well thought out decision that was totally based in the world of rationality. FUCK CELESTIA! SUNNY’S STAYING WITH ME!

Seriously, I loved all things pony and all, but there was just so much I could take day in and day out. And even if I did start talking to Twilight about the human world stuff…which I kind of could now since I wouldn’t need to keep track of a million billion lies…pop culture was one thing I knew ponies would never understand unless I could actually fucking show it to them.

I barely held off the urge to talk about all things Star Wars, human pop culture and everything else for the moment though. I had important work to do and...well, considering everyone back on Earthquestria shared a name with the girls in ponyland, it was more than possible everything they had was a badly hidden pony parody that would ruin everything. So I just held onto that little hope as fuel for giving Sunset everything she needed to get by.

“Look,” I told them before charging a teleportation spell and drawing my power batter close. “I’m fine and I’ll prove it to you, okay?”

“That’s not-” Twilight managed to get out before the world was gone.

Two seconds later, I was standing in Sunset’s room with a slightly nauseous Twilight standing in front of a somewhat more terrified Sunset. If I hadn’t of known any better, I would have sworn the alicorn was protecting the girl or something.

On the other hand, it may have been the fact that changeling teleports are a bit…rough. I kind of got used to the whole feeling that makes your stomach want to do cartwheels, but I had plenty of experience.

And no real stomach.

“Okay, first your bed,” I said before creating something pretty high class that you’d expect from a palace like I had. It was one of those beds that had its own canopy and curtains that matched Sunny’s cutie mark.

“Wardrobe.” And one flash of magic later, and I was getting ready to stock one of those armoire things. Then, after a second later I made a mannequin of Sunset’s dimensions to run T-shirt ideas by her. “Now are you a pants or skirt girl? Oh and for Celestia’s sake, lose the boots.”

Another zap and she had on some nice pink sneakers that had the same color scheme as the boots. “Now I’m thinking something with pega-sister on it.”

“FAE!”

I sighed and looked over to Twilight with a bored expression. “What?”

Her shoulders slumped a bit and she gave me a pained expression. “Listen to me. Just…hoof over the…green lantern.”

Twilight’s magic made contact with mine, and I tugged it back towards me. “No way.”

“Why won’t you do what I say?” she asked. It was a pretty harsh ask. Almost a demand.

“Why won’t you trust me?” I countered in an annoyed grumble.

Twilight glared at me while Sunset backed away and I rolled my eyes. I couldn’t believe that the human teenager was thinking I was going to hurt her, or have some big fight with my girlfriend.

Although when the alicorn let out a sigh, I took that as a good sign. It meant that I was winning the argument at least. “I do trust you-”

“Good! Then let me just finish up here then,” I told her before pulling a copout and giving Sunset your basic cartoon character’s wardrobe: ten sets of everything. It also included footwear, shocks, and the stuff that went under aforementioned ten sets of everything.

“But you’re not giving me much reason to!” Twilight went on while I gave Sunset a nice reading couch and a dresser complete with a mirror and some drawers. Then I looked over to the little space that was her bathroom to make a workable human toilet and sink with pipes in the walls leading up to a water tower on top of the palace, complete with water.

Once I got done with putting in the bathroom hand towels, Twilight stomped her hoof on the floor. “Okay, there! You’re done. I trusted you to finish, and you're finished. See? Now let go of the magic, and everything will be fine.”

For a moment, I just stood there. “Welllll…” I’ll admit, Twilight had a point, and a good one at that. I had given Sunset everything she needed, or…that we said we were going to get her. But...that list was pretty limited. I mean…what kind of teenage human didn’t have their own entertainment center?

“One more thing,” I assured Twilight before charging my magic and willing a home theater system complete with video game consoles and some fifty odd disks to appear.

When all I got was a table that I pictured in my head, a big mirror, and a record player with a large stack of albums…I frowned in confusion. “That…wasn’t what I expected.”

Behind me, Twilight half-groaned half-growled. “Fairy.”

“Did you just try and give me a television?” Sunset asked in surprise.

“And video games but…I guess the spell is limited to what I can think up to create while inside Equestria,” I mumbled while rubbing my chin. “Or maybe…”

I heard Twilight’s hooves coming up behind me, and moved my power battery away from her before looking at the alicorn. “Fine, it didn’t work. Now please, give me the magical tome. It’s dangerous for you to keep doing this.”

A roll of my eyes told Twilight all she should need to know. “Oh come on Twilight, it’s a spell that’s supposed to bring stuff out of my imagination and it didn’t work. Don’t you want to know why?”

My vital strike to her mental Achilles tendon actually gave the alicorn pause. “Well…no! It’s dangerous for you to keep-!”

“I run on black magic, Twilight!” I replied as I got on my hind legs and waved my forelegs around the air before I dropped back on the ground. “I don’t go crazy killer monster when I mess with the stuff.”

“Fae if you keep this up-”

“Just…give me a second,” I said.

“WOULD YOU JUST STOP AND LISTEN TO ME?” she shouted.

I sighed, rolled my eyes…and teleported outside the palace, then turned around and blinked my way back in so they couldn’t see where I landed.

Materialization occurred within one of my palace’s bare third story rooms. It was unused, undecorated, and chosen completely at random. There was absolutely nothing about it to draw Twilight’s attention. Which meant I had about ten minutes to mess around until she found me using a combination of her genius and just Equestria dumb luck.

“Okay let’ see,” I mumbled to myself as I began to work out my problem. “Tried to make something that didn’t exist in Equestria got me it’s basic equivalent here in dimensions. Or was it just that I didn’t know how the items in question work, and the spell just filled it in with something I knew the basic rules of?”

I thought about how to approach the problem for a second, then decided to try some experimentation. “Let’s try making something that is easy enough to make on my own, but I’ve never seen in Equestria.”

A few seconds later, I had a foosball table. And a pool table. And a ping pong table.

“Okay,” I drawled. “Let’s try…something I know exists in Equestria, but have no idea how to make and only a basic idea on how it works.”

With some magic from my horn, I popped an arcade game that Button Mash spent way too much time on for his own good standing in…well, I think it’s pretty safe to say it was a game room at this point in time. A bit of examination even revealed the thing was even powered by the mana suction crystal batteries that ponies used when cords weren’t an option.

“Combination of the two,” I said before another arcade gaming machine that I knew couldn’t possibly exist in Equestria…and never really existed on Earth either, appeared just as I pictured it. Judging by how the title screen looked, it even worked.

But before I could mess with anything else, the door banged open and Twilight leaped into the room with a frown. “Okay Fairy! I’ve been more…than…patient,” she said while looking around the room before her face fell on the arcade games. “Why is my picture on that video game and…isn’t it supposed to say friendship is magic? Not...fighting? Why does it say fighting?”

I looked out the window. “Yeah about that,” I said before charging another teleport while Twilight leapt at me a second too late. There was no way in hell I was going to stick around Sister Palace if Twilight was going to chew me out about just making crap appear out of thin air. All I’d need to do was wait for her to calm down, admit everything was fine...and then I’d stop.

When the world came back into focus, I stumbled around the outskirts of Ponyville while I regained my balance. Twilight could search the palace until she wore herself out, and I could maybe do a few favors for my favorite Ponyville populace.

Well...except for Rarity, she would probably make me create about a million of the same dress because something just wasn’t quite right...and Fluttershy wouldn’t ask for anything. Applejack was so stubborn she wouldn’t even want the magical help, while Pinkie wasn’t much of an option either. Even I knew conjured food was a bad idea on so many levels, with taste only being the least of its problems.

Once I was done thinking and steady on all four legs, I looked up into the sky and saw a pony with a rainbow mane buzzing around kicking clouds. After creating a pair of saddlebags to hold my magical macguffin, I and flew up to meet her on a cloud she had yet to kick.

As soon as my Rainbow Dash noticed my approach, she stopped her cloudbusting and landed to bow. “”How can this one serve you my queen?” the changeling that was currently lucky enough to be wearing the face of a pony I would never punch asked.

“Where’s Rainbow Dash?” I asked changeling #20.

“The waifu is at the training grounds my queen,” #20 replied in changeling.

Sometimes, having a hive mind really sucked. Personal info could be kept compartmentalized pretty easily, but stuff like how to fly, talk, and all that jazz was common knowledge that just got shared without thinking or asking. With me being the queen, I was…well I was their freaking Celestia! So, many of my little changeling were picking up some of my habits and mannerisms.

With the location of my waifu given to me, I flew the short distance to the track that Rainbow and the other pegasi had used when getting ready for Tornado Day. Only, Dash had pulled down some clouds and beat them into the shape of obstacles for the various races that pegasi could compete in. All the various obstacles…thrown together in a single track…when they were only meant to be one kind of obstacle per race.

So…she crashed.

A lot.

In fact, I think the most she managed to get through in her homemade course while going her usual speed that defied all logic was about halfway. But since clouds were what she crashed into…Rainbow could just shake it off and keep going. Don’t ask me how that worked though...Twilight had told me it was something about condensation, pegasus willpower, and at that point I think she just started saying bla bla bla...or Rainbow gave me the more easier explanation of ‘it’s magic you idiot’.

I waited for her to run into a cloud on the part of the course that was set up like a slalom for people who didn’t have to worry about gravity and several other laws of physics, and grabbed her with my horn’s TK when she got clipped by a cloud pole on her rear leg from zagging back in too soon. “Hey Dash.”

The pegasus hovering in my green glow looked around for a second before letting out a sigh. “Okay, Fae, what’re you doing?”

In all honesty, I was checking out her ass.

Rainbow was…fit. Exceptionally fit. I knew she had almost no body fat whatsoever apart from the normal places that ponies had padding, but I had never been able to really look at her with the kind of discerning eye that was fit to judge pony looks through their eyes.

Like Twilight, Rainbow didn’t have much in the way of back. But where Twi’s lack of booty was from a healthy diet and no exercise whatsoever, Rainbow’s came from a diet that was probably a little too healthy, and way too much exercise. The end result was an extremely tone body that had almost a gymnast vibe going on and some pretty muscular wings.

“Fae, if you’re not going to prank me or something, can you let me go now?” she asked.

I blinked and suddenly realized I had been checking Rainbow out, and dropped her like she was a hot coal. “Sorry! Sorry, I was just…thinking,” I told her kind of pathetically. “Um…so…training.”

“Yep!” Rainbow chirped after she hit the ground and flexed her wings a bit. Then she turned around to face me. “Oh, thanks for offering up stand-ins for Blossomforth and the others. The tryouts aren’t that far off, and a lot of ponies still haven’t figured out what they want to compete in.”

The compliment made me smile. “Hey no problem Dash,” I said before actively taking a whiff to get some gauge on how she was feeling about everything.

A second later, I was gagging as my solid nose was picking up the rather powerful stench of pegasus BO. “Gah! Dash that is just…wow! How long have you been out here?” I demanded.

My non-physical nose got a huge wave of embarrassment, and I saw her cheeks turn bright red before she looked away. “Since, um…before dawn,” she said while I let out a sigh. “Hey it’s still Summer, and Summer means hot! Not my fault they’re holding the games in the Crystal Empire with its stupid forever Spring….not hot summer weather. Like, months from now when everypony else is having to deal with Fall stuff.”

I had to give her my best calm Dashie down smile that was just a little curving on the end of my lips. “Okay Dash,” I told her while an idea came to me. “I’ll even take care of it for you.”

She managed to get out a “Huh?” before I conjured a high pressure rain cloud and squeezed it with my magic to soak the girl clean with enough rain that I couldn‘t even see most of her as it fell. When ten seconds were up, the conjured cloud disappeared, and…to be honest, I wasn’t paying all that much attention to the dropping pegasus’s face because…

Look…there’s a reason guys like looking at girls in showers, and it’s only partly because we can see them naked. There’s just something about a wet girl that…well…gets guys hard.

With ponies…it’s worse. Soooooooo much worse.

That tiny bit of puff in a pony’s coat that keeps ponies from noticing every little curve, every inch of muscle, every…thing?

IT’S NOT THERE ANYMORE!

And I. Saw. Everything.

“Gee Fairy, thanks,” Rainbow grumbled before she shook her mane out of her eyes.

I gulped nervously as I looked at the perfectly fit pegasus, and it had nothing to do with a creature several times weaker than me at the moment being pissed. Rainbow may of not had much in the way of flank, and some overly developed wing muscles, but the rest of her body was the equivalent to one of those home workout stars. “Sorry,” I said before picturing Dash in a bathing robe and making it appear on her.

A second later, she was looking down at herself in surprise, and stumbled backwards. “What the-Hey!” the irate pegasus grumbled before she looked up at me with a frown. “Wait a second. I thought you said you couldn’t make anything with your magic.”

The fact that she apparently wasn’t mad at me for the bathrobe that left no room for her wings calmed me down a bit. “Oh that,” I said with a dismissive wave of my hoof. “Yeah, I used a magical thingy from my palace to give me conjuration magic that will actually stick around. Sunset needed clothes and we couldn’t really wait on Rarity, so I just made them.”

Rainbow went rigid, and I smelled that her confused irritation changed to startled fear. “Uh…isn’t all the stuff in your palace…dark magic stuff?”

I rolled my eyes. “Yes mom.”

“Okay, I’m outta here!” She managed to get about two steps before her robe bulged, she stumbled, and I had put a cage around the pegasus to keep Rainbow from running away.

My anger hit a new high for the day, and I stomped my hoof in the ground as Rainbow turned around with worry in her eyes. “Oh for crying out loud! Do you honestly think I’m going to hurt you?” I demanded. “The only thing I did when I had the amulet on was kiss you! It practically turned Trixie into a psychopath!”

For some reason, Rainbow actually winced at my declaration, and I felt her nervous start to border on…fear. But she turned to look at me and gulped. “Then why am I in a cage?”

I’ll admit, she had me there. So after thinking up something to say, I banished the bars around Dash and got rid of her robe. But before she could up and fly off, I parked my plot on the ground and let out a dramatic sigh worthy of Rarity. “Fine! Abandon me in my hour of need and let me fall to the dark magics that are consuming my soul rather than-”

“Okay! Okay!” Dash grumbled before she trotted over to glare at me. “So…what do you want?”

I couldn’t help giving her an almost predatory smile. “I think the real question is…what do you want Dashie?”

She gave me a studying look for a moment, then the question seemed to get through her thick skull when I put her in a Wonderbolts uniform. A real one, not the crappy academy things they stuck her with, but a skintight flightsuit that hugged every inch of her body and had me examining her flank to um...make sure I remembered her cutie mark.

One hundred and fifty vinyl MLP figurines, ten Wonderbolt posters, two hang gliders, four Wonderbolt uniforms, a trampoline, a rainbow gala dress, six human action figures, an attempted light saber that didn’t work, an attempted alien ray gun that also didn’t work, two pairs of failed shipping goggles, a collection of vinyl albums piled higher than a pony that contained every human song I knew, a life sized picture of Dash doing her Sonic Rainboom, the complete Wonderbolts workout home gym, an authentic-looking Equestria Games obstacle course, dozens of mane 6 plushies, every bit of Hasbro My Little Pony piece of merchandise I could remember as well as several T-shirts featuring the mane 6 along with Celestia, a pair of metallic hands Lyra declared ‘groovy’ after she wandered into sight and I had to bribe her to go away, and one big stone statue of Rainbow Dash standing on her hind legs and pointing up at the sky with her wings stretched out like she was flying later, Twilight had kind of caught us…along with Celestia.

Tia found us first…or at least got to Ponyville from Canterlot before Twilight made it out of the Everfree while dragging Sunset through the air with her. She just landed in all her regal glory and looked at me with a frown before Dash’s face touched the dirt in respect and I just took in the sight that was Princess Celestia.

Dear God she is beautiful, I thought to myself as I looked at the personification of pony perfection. Like with her dream-human counterpart form, every inch of Celestia’s body was an impossible mix of power, size, and curves. The extra large alicorn wings she possessed made even Rainbow’s seem weak and lacking in luster, with the dozens of extra feathers that were kept impossibly pristine. And her round, shapely ass that had cheeks as big as…

I blinked as Celestia looked over to me with a frown and I just realized an extremely creepy fact: I thought Tia was hot.

Okay…beyond hot. Celestia was that untouchable divine beauty that men would sell their souls for just to get a look at.

But the extremely creepy fact remained, I thought Celestia was freaking hot!

Hell, I had been checking out Dash since I looked her up, and I got turned on by her athletic looks too!

Not to mention Cheerilee was definitely a mare I wouldn’t mind taking care of personally the next time she came to my little red light establishment for some teachers get fucked free R&R.

No! Bad libido, CUT THAT OUT, I told myself as Twilight came flying in with Sunset in her magical grip and…I assessed her to be even more adorable than ever before with her long horn, thick wings and slightly padded plot that I just wanted to latch onto with my hooves and squeeze.

“Would somepony mind telling me just what the hay is going on here?” Sunbutt asked as she stood atop Rainbow Dash’s granite head alongside Twilight and Sunset while the non-rock Rainbow Dash was looking around a little nervously as she prostrated herself in a bow. As for me, I was laying on my side, gasping for breath.

Honestly, creating a hundred and twenty foot statue that had ‘COOLEST PEGASUS EVER’ written into its base took a lot more out of me that I thought it would. “Well Sunset didn’t have anything to wear, and I decided to solve the problem with magic, then Twilight was all black magic is bad!” I said in Twilight’s voice.

“No I wasn’t!” Twilight told Celestia before she glared at me. “I was afraid you’d use too much magic like Princess Celestia said you did back in Taber-Tammy-”

“Tambelon,” Sunset told her.

“Where you almost died!” the alicorn went on. “AND YOU DID! I told you it was dangerous, but did you listen? Nooooooooooo!”

I groaned. “That is a completely…different…oh buck,” I mumbled when I realized this was one little argument that I knew I wasn’t going to win. Plus…I guess it was a little stupid to mess around with dark magic the day after I had come home from a near death experience and worry Twilight even more.

“Sorry,” I apologized as best I could before moving onto the admittance part of the process. “Maybe I’m not as immune to the whole mind influence of black magic as I thought I was either.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “I can’t believe…I know it doesn’t make you completely crazy but…ugh!” she exclaimed before lifting up one of the figurines and waving it in front of me. “And another thing, this looks nothing like me! The head is too big, the eyes are too far apart, the horn is too short, and my tail does not stick up that high! It looks like I’m constantly saying RUT ME!”

“You don’t like it?” I asked as a nervous and tired laugh escaped my lips as I felt the magic of infinite creation and transmutation slip away from me and rolled my eyes. “So um…does this mean you forgive me for the whole using dark magic thing?”

“She’s the one that had a problem with the dark magic part!” Twilight exclaimed in irritation as she pointed over to the redhead that was looking at her own pony action figure while it was still in its package. “I trusted you not to hurt anypony but yourself!”

Celestia chuckled. “Alright Twilight, I think your coltfriend has learned his lesson,” the alicorn told her before Twilight let out a long sigh and shook her head dejectedly. “Now, lets get to work on undoing this mess.”

Rainbow looked up from her half-bow half-nervous cower that she had been in since Princess Celestia showed up in a flash of light. “So uh…I can’t keep any of this stuff?”

After a moment of quiet deliberation, the alicorn looked down to her subject. “Well I suppose the dolls-”

“Limited edition vinyl collectables and action figures,” I corrected her.

Sunset snickered, and Twilight glowered at me while Celestia rolled her eyes. “Along with the clothing and things you made for Sunset are fine…but the obstacle course and statue have to go. And...why are there no likeness of me among the...figurines?”

Silence hung in the air as I tried to think up a viable defense that wouldn’t hurt Tia’s feelings. “Um...I was uh...concentrating on ponies I knew the most?”

“Oh? Tell me three things about this stallion then,” Celestia countered as she held up a Doctor Whooves figure.

Twilight let out a groan. “That’s just Time Turner. Fae goes to look at his pocket watches every few weeks for some reason. Don’t ask me why, she says it’s a human thing.”

The goddess shrugged, then turned to face her former students. “I also have a research assignment for the two of you.”

Twilight’s scent became a confusing mix of fear, excitement, and more annoyance as she stepped forward. She looked at Sunset for a second, then back to the princess. “Prin-Celestia,” she stumbled. “I’m ready to do whatever I can to help but…what about the chest? And…Sunset’s…problem? Isn’t there somepony else who can do research for you?”

“Considering your last research project saved the Crystal Empire,” Tia said with a small smile. “I can think of nopony better suited to this task with the future of Equestria at stake. Omnifarious will handle dealing with Sunset’s species problem.”

“Hold on a second,” Rainbow Dash spoke up. “The future of Equestria…rests on Twilight doing nerd stuff? You sure you don’t need like…the royal guard or anything to solve a real problem?”

“Hey!” Twilight exclaimed before she turned to glare at Rainbow Dash.

Celestia chuckled at the outburst. “I assure you Rainbow Dash, this is a very real and serious problem. And they are not solving it, they are researching information that I need to create a solution,” she said before looking over to Twilight. “With your help of course Twilight.”

“Now,” the goddess added as she turned to face me. “Spike will be bringing Starswirl’s designs for the first dimensional mirror to see if that will help you. He’ll also have books for the Equestrian records office for you Twilight. Omnifarious, I know our meeting was scheduled for much later in the day, but as long as I am here, we might as well sleep together to see if the same thing that happened last time repeats itself.”

Every. Single. Pony. And. Person. Stared at Celestia.

DID YOU HAVE TO PUT IT LIKE THAT? I mentally shouted at the sexy sun goddess while I noticed Twilight experiencing a short circuit.

“Gujiwa…you…bwa…it…idgja…princess…huh?” the goddess of friendship went on as her whole body twitched with every word.

“I BLAME YOU FOR THIS TIA!” I shouted at the impossibly hot woman that sat on my imaginary couch, butt naked and completely unashamed of the fact.

For her part, the woman simply crossed her arms under her breasts and her legs before she sighed. “I really don’t see the problem.”

It took me a moment to get my urge to strangle the woman under control. “You…you gave me stupid…pony…sexiness knowledge!” I sputtered. “Do you have any fucking idea how…wrong that is?”

Celestia sighed. “No. And wouldn’t the ability to judge the attractiveness of your beloved be a good thing?” she asked.

“NOT WHEN IT’S TWILIGHT!” I shouted before freezing, then let out a groan at the stupidity of my own statement. “Twilight’s…look…Fluttershy is cute and hot, Rarity has this seductress thing going on, Applejack’s full and fit, Pinkie’s cute and probably fun to play with in the not for kids kind of way, Rainbow’s all athletic sexy and Twilight…Twilight’s…NORMAL! The plain kind of normal! Okay well she’s got nice wings and a perfectly proportioned plot with that adorable hair style but…FUCK! You see? I didn’t have this problem before you and your damn ‘This is what makes ponies beautiful’ crap!”

As I paused for breath…then wondered just why the hell I was breathing in the first place before the need stopped, Celestia let out a moan. “I still fail to see how this is my fault.”

“Look,” I began while trying to structure my thoughts. “You remember how I just gave you human word knowledge and how to walk on two legs? Well, you did the same when you told me what’s hot and what’s not for ponies! But when you told me, you gave me all this…empirical knowledge.”

Celestia raised an index finger. “The idea of beauty isn’t empirical, it’s subjective.”

I frowned at the woman as that little nugget of information was doled out, and quickly made things worse. “Oh great, so it’s not even my own definition of beauty, it’s yours!” I groaned before just collapsing down on the couch next to her. “No wonder I don’t think Twilight’s hot, she’s practically your daughter.”

“I assure you, I think of her in no such way,” Celestia told me before she got extremely sad for a moment. My curiosity got a wakeup call, but it was no means any match for the turmoil I felt about the fact I now found ponies sexy.

One of the too tall woman’s impossibly perfect arms reached out, and I found myself pulled into a hug. “And I am sorry if this has caused you any distress. I was unaware the sharing of information like that would cause…this.”

I wanted to say something really bad and stay angry at her but…it was kind of hard to do that when my face was buried in her tits. After pushing down a desire I’d rather not mention and another mental image of doing it missionary, I managed to pull away from the goddess of hard-on causation, and just laid down on the couch without even trying to hide my reaction from being so close to Tia. If she wanted to get all grabby, she could deal with the consequences.

“I really need to teach you the whole do’s and don’ts of human contact if you’re going to keep showing up here looking like that,” I told her. “And…are you sure you can’t change shape?”

“We saw how I tried and failed,” she told me with a frown. “Considering what you’ve just said about your newfound apparition of the pony body…it would seem that some of the rules are different for me than they should be.”

I groaned and covered my face with my hands. “Just great.”

A few minutes passed as we sat silently. “How long until they wake you up from this again?”

“Well you said two hours,” the goddess replied. “Although why you wanted ten minutes in this place by yourself…”

I sat up and glared at Celestia for a second. I’m pretty sure she didn’t mean that as some kind of sexual innuendo insult but still…

However, to show her there was no hard feelings, I grabbed the remote for the television on the wall. “Because I had to make this place before you got here. To be honest, considering our connection and all, I don’t want to know what would happen if you went to sleep before I did now,” I said with way too much...caring for Sunbutt in my voice. “We got lucky the first time.”

“Well there’s always the chance that I’ll just have a normal night’s sleep, but...if you are so concerned...I am in bed by eleven every night. Make sure you’re asleep before then,” she told me before frowning at the television and the remote in my hand. “I thought those things didn’t work.”

“I had ten minutes,” I replied before turning the thing on. It wasn’t a real television of course, so I could have just put an easy button on the damn remote and everything worked just fine. “And remind me to make some clothes for you next time if you’re not going to show up on four legs.”

Celestia let out a huff. “I hate wearing clothes,” she said before crossing her arms, as if that would settle the matter.

Then the movie started.

“The world has changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was, is lost, for none now live, who remember it.”