Zero Punctuation - Equestria
Chapter 2: Yahtzee Reviews - The Mane Six
Previous Chapter Next ChapterReminder: Yahtzee's character is being brutally cynical.
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"But... I... what?" Yahtzee said, flabbergasted at the mere thought of how he got here. "I don't even know... WHAT?"
"Are you okay?" the yellow pegasus asked, taking a step back, contradicting her concerned question
"What the hell am I doing here?" he exclaimed. "Where am I, what is this, wha-"
"Please just calm down," the purple unicorn said, looking over the strange thing in front of her. "Whatever you are."
"Calm? How in bloody hell do you think I can stay calm?" he yelled as a retort. "I am in the middle of a brightly colored town, surrounded by half a dozen talking horses. I can tell you one thing for sure, this sure as hell isn't my idea of heaven."
"What is that thing anyways?" the cyan pegasus who lazily flapped it's wings above Yahtzee asked. "Why is it standing on two legs? And what is with it's hair?"
Yahtzee looked down at his white body, then up at his white hat.
"I'm a human, you stupid tart," he grunted, rubbing the rim of his hat. "And this is not my hair, this is a hat."
"Maybe we should hit him and teach him some manners," the quite visibly angry pegasus growled.
"Calm down," the purple unicorn said bluntly. "What is your name?"
"My name is Ben. Ben Croshaw," he said quietly as he tried to remember their names. "But my friends call me Yahtzee."
"How is it going Yahtzee?" the bouncing pink pony asked.
Yahtzee paid no heed to the pink pony.
"What's the matter? Are you shy?" she asked, hopping closer to him.
"No, I just remember specifically saying my friends call me Yahtzee," Yahtzee snapped. "And I do not regard you as such, nor am I seeking any extras."
The pink pony took a few sad steps back.
"You're not very nice..." she said, hiding behind the purple unicorn.
"Brilliant deduction, mademoiselle. Care to give me any other valuable information?" he asked sarcastically. "Ooh, ooh, how about if I don't breath, I would die? That's a good one right there."
"There is no need to be so mean, she is just trying to be friendly," the purple unicorn said defensively. She then shook her head and decided it would be best to greet him formally. "My name is T-"
"-wilight Sparke," he tutted lightly. "Yes, I am quite aware of that. Quite a silly name at that. Honestly, it's like they just looked at the worst series possible and said "Hey, yeah, we could sure go for some of that!"."
Twilight looked at the others nervously, then back at Yahtzee.
"How do you know my name?" she asked.
"I was hoping you could tell me the same damn thing!" Yahtzee yelled.
"I'm sorry, but I really don't know what is going on."
"And here I thought you were always reading," he said as he rubbed his chin pensively. "So much for being studious. You're already breaking character."
"What?" she asked confused. "How do you know I-"
"That's not important," he said, waving off the question. "So you're the element of Magic, correct?"
"How do you know that?"
"Please, save your questions for the end of the lecture," he chuckled, putting his hands behind his back like a professor in the midst of talking about a serious subject.
"Wha-" Twilight started.
"I'm sorry miss, but I am quite afraid I do not like repeating myself," he said, holding up his right hand, signalling her to be quiet. "As I was saying, besides your terribly unorthodox name, your constant breaking of ones character, and your weak demeanor I-, you know what? That is pretty much all I need to say about you."
Twilight eyed him with great contempt, mind running rampant on what she could do to him if she had the will to. She then collected her thoughts and shook her head.
"What's wrong? Is the "smart" one at a loss for words, or is she simply not as intelligent as she portrays herself?" Yahtzee chuckled.
"You do not have to be so crude," the white unicorn said. She then brought her hoof forward to greet the stranger. "Well my name is-"
"Rarity, yes I know," he said, pushing her hoof back down. "If it is the same to you I would rather not make direct contact with you. I have no idea where you've all been."
"How dare you?" Rarity snapped. "I take very good care of myself!"
"So then why does your mane look like that?"he asked. He then brought his fingers to his ear, pretending as if it was a cellphone. "I'm terribly sorry, miss, but the seventies called. They want their mop back."
Rarity started trembling with fury, eyes shooting darts at Yahtzee who stood there smugly. She then straightened up and looked impassively at Yahtzee.
"You're not worth my time," she huffed.
"I thought you were the symbol of Generosity, so I say you should do a bit more giving," he muttered distastefully.
"Well aren't you a cynic?" she sneered.
"No, I am English," Yahtzee muttered before pausing for a brief moment just to chuckle a few seconds later. "Though I suppose one is synonymous with the other, so actually yes. Yes I am."
"Why do you have to treat us with such disrespect?" she asked furiously. "We came over here to make sure you were alright, and you decide the first thing you should do is point out our flaws?"
"What can I say?" he shrugged non-apologetically. "It's kind of my, what shall we call it? A hobby of mine."
"I for one do not care for it," she said, lifting her nose up.
"Well unfortunately, I'm doing this for the both of us," Yahtzee said, now looking at Applejack. "And then there is you."
"What d'ya mean by that?" Applejack asked brazenly.
"Well for one, what kind of a name is "Applejack"?" he asked, sporting a curious eye. "But I have to admit, you have a Strong southern accent, you are hard working and honest. All commendable aspects."
"Thank ya' kindly."
"And it is ruined by the fact that you have an idiotic name," he added as he shook his head in disapproval. "If it wasn't for the name then I would say you would be the most believable of the personas here."
"What d'ya mean 'stupid name'?" the farming pony asked angrily.
"Well it's simple. Your name is that of a breakfast cereal," he said impishly. He then gasped and raised his hands to his face. "Hey! Here's an idea! I think I'll call you "Keloggs"."
"I don't think Ah care much for that n-"
"I'm sorry, what was that, Keloggs?" Yahtzee asked quietly, putting his hand to the side of his head. "Did you say something?"
"Ah said that Ah don't think ah-" she started, beginning to walk towards Yahtzee.
"I'm sorry dear, I can't here you over the product placement!" Yahtzee yelled, making Applejack take a couple steps back.
"Why, Ah have half a mind t-"
"I was just going to say that," he said, now facing outwards towards the other ponies. "You all heard it straight from the horses mouth."
Applejack started towards Yahtzee, but found herself being stopped by Twilights magic. Applejack glared at Twilight but she just shook her head. Applejack looked back at Yahtzee, took a deep breath and nodded.
"She even has a short fuse," he said. "How delightfully stereotypical! What's next, are you going to take out your boomstick and go hunting for deer?"
"Hey, you can't treat her like that!" the cyan pegasus exclaimed, flying well above Yahtzee.
"Well if it isn't the walking gay pride parade with wings, Rainbow Dash."
"What did you just call me?" Rainbow Dash yelled.
"Right, you're so far up you can't hear me. Well how about this..." Yahtzee said before putting his palms to the front of his face to amplify his voice. "You might want to come down love, you might catch a cold all the way up there."
"Who do you think you are?" she yelled, zooming straight down to Yahtzee.
"I think I am a magnificent man with extraordinary tastes," he said simply, adjusting the hat on his head. "Wouldn't you say so Keloggs?"
Applejack glared at him and spit on the ground in disgust.
"See? She agrees with me."
Applejack then kicked some dirt at Yahtzee an he stepped out of its way.
"Careful, don't want to ruin my delightful outfit, do we?" he tutted, turning back to Rainbow Dash with a smile. "And another thing, let's take a look at your wings."
"What's wrong with my wings?" Rainbow Dash asked, squinting at him.
"For one it makes you look straight up Peter Molyneux stupid," he said. "You look like you belong in a circus, for Christs sake."
Rainbow Dash snarled and started to charge at Yahtzee.
"Hang on, I'm not done yet," he said, raising his hand in the air.
"If you want to stay alive, you are..." Rainbow Dash looked at Twilight who shook her head, telling her not to do anything bad.
"Trust me, this is how I live," he grunted, now putting his attention on the pink pony.
"It's okay, I think I'll skip my turn," Pinkie said quietly, sinking back.
"I think not, icing top. Aren't you supposed to be the so called element of "Laughter"? Well then you should find this to be a hoot."
"Really?" Pinkie inquired hopefully, smiling shakily.
"Of course. I mean for one, you are comprised of one color. You just scream hilariously bland. Pink body, pink hair, the only thing different about you is that you have blue eyes. At least the butch has the courage to tie-dye her hair, even if it does scream her sexuality to the world."
"I don't think I'm bland..." Pinkie said quietly as Rainbow Dash's right eye began to twitch with anger.
"Let me guess, you enjoy throwing parties, yeah?"
"I love throwing parties," Pinkie nodded quickly, going back to her happy self.
"I assume that you serve punch and cupcakes?" he asked pleasantly, to which Pinkie replied to with a nod "How blatantly childish. How old are you, five? How about instead of wasting your time on the small stuff, throw an actual party, you silly tosser."
"I don't think I like you very much..." she said, taking a step back, looking at the ground. "And I usually like everypony."
"Well as you can see, unless you are stupider than I first thought, I am not a pony."
"Why are you saying these mean things? I don't even know you."
"Well the world is a harsh place, and I... I am it's herald."
"And to think I wanted to be your friend."
"Here's an idea. Grow up. The world is full of people like me so you better get your dose of reality now before it gets worse than this."
Fluttershy was now sitting next to the imp, checking on it to make sure it's okay.
"And you," he said with a laugh.
Fluttershy crouched behind the imp, trying to break out of his gaze.
"You are supposed to represent kindness?" Yahtzee scoffed. "That is probably the most useless of all. How do you expect to get anywhere in life going out of your way and helping others?"
"Please... stop," Fluttershy begged quietly.
"Oho ho, I think not," he said. "Let' take a gander at you. You have a tattoo of butterflies on your ass. What kind of sentient being with half a brain would do that?"
"Stop yelling at me..." Fluttershy said, only slightly louder than before.
"And what exactly are you doing? Cowering behind a brainless creature?" he asked, motioning towards the imp. "I don't even know where to start with that. How is using something as a shield kind?"
Fluttershy looked up at Yahtzee, tears streaming out of her eyes. She then got up and started to run away, sobbing quietly. Yahtzee stared at her go, feeling bad for reducing her to tears.
"That's it, I've had enough of him. It's bad enough you made fun of me, but you don't make Fluttershy cry!" Rainbow Dash yelled furiously, shooting down straight towards Yahtzee.
"Oh bugger." Yahtzee yelled, jumping to the side and narrowly avoiding the cyan assailant.
Yahtzee looked at the imp and picked him up and held him like a shield as he ran away from his new enemy.
"Let him run," Twilight said calmly. "We are the element of harmony. We should act like it."
"But he made Fluttershy cry," Rainbow Dash growled, looking around. "Even if Princess Celestia did that, I would still yell at her."
"He clearly isn't from around here. Maybe he just doesn't know how the way things work."
"Even so, how can he expect to get away with what he said?" Rarity asked.
"Please girls. Let's just give my plan a shot." Twilight sighed. "Who knows, he may actually be a nice guy, mean comments aside. He's in a new world, I'm sure this is very shocking to him."
"Fine. But I don't have to like it," Rainbow Dash grunted, crossing her forelegs in disapproval. "Let's go grab Fluttershy too. If he doesn't do it on his own, I'll make him apologize."
Yahtzee ran in to the town, carrying the imp over him like an umbrella. He veered in between gawking ponies, trying to find a safe place to hide. He looked at a spot in between two buildings that had a large cardboard box in it so he ran up to it and crawled inside.
"Well, aren't I off to a brilliant start?" he asked himself as he shifted uncomfortably.
The imp then stood up and fell back over and started snoring lightly.
"Stupid little wanker," Yahtzee muttered sourly, then sighed deeply. "This is all your fault to begin with..."
The girls went in to town to try and find Yahtzee. It wasn't hard to pin point his location as there were many ponies and stallions talking about this odd occurrence, and it took them just a couple of minutes to see a cardboard box that was moving back and forth. Rainbow Dash zoomed up to it and hit the top of it.
"You in there smart-mouth?" Rainbow Dash asked angrily.
"No. No I'm not. Go away."
"I am going to count to three, and if you aren't out here by then, you are going to be in a world of hurt." she said as a warning.
"I am quite fine in here, I assure you."
"One," she started.
"Bloody hell."
"Two," she said loudly, bringing her hoof back, getting ready to hit the box.
Yahtzee looked over at the imp and grabbed him.
"Three. Alright, you asked for it."
Before Rainbow Dash went to grab him, the box shot open and the imp stumbled out with Yahtzee's hat on it's head.
"Here I am," Yahtzee said in a failed attempt to throw his voice. "I deserve whatever punishment you see fit."
"For the love of Celestia, get out here now!" Rainbow Dash yelled impatiently.
"Are you going to hurt me?" Yahtzee asked, snatching the hat from the ground and placing his hat back on his head.
"I can't make any promises."
"Then I'm good in here. I have no plans on being beaten harder than a teenager who just found out what his lefty is good for."
The box then turned purple and got flipped on it's side, causing Yahtzee to spill out.
"Hello there," he said. "It's, uh, nice to see you here on this fine day."
"We need to have a chat," Twilight said as she and the others surrounded him.
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